I am my most harshest and biggest critic with everything I do, more so I realize it I'm the worst when it comes to my writing. As much as I love meeting new people and writing stories mainly situated in 1x1 situations it has occurred to me for a while now - While I have decided to buy my KU back - I've been devouring stories like no mans business.. AND I just guess seeing as I am struggling with PTSD and other mental issues that I just need this as my other outlet of being free from all the worries and daily struggles.. well at least for a while then it all comes back to haunt me in some way.
And before anyone gets the wrong idea.. I AM NOT IDOLIZING anything in my stories / one shot stories that bullying, self harm and other mental issues are a laughing/joking matter BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT. I've been on the receiving end of bullying pretty much my whole life and still till this day it's the mentality side of it that makes it a lot hard to cope with sometimes especially if you don't consider any sort of help - i.e me - I self medicate myself and find ways to cope until I know one day I'll break.
I am self aware that anyone can read these but AGAIN please don't say I didn't warn you the first time.
The first post may be a bit bland and you may think "theres no real sign of abuse here or it seems so placid.." then you best not read anything else that follows because it'll get darker. ALSO yes I write in first person and I may write in third person too but seeing as it's me only writing... and I find it a whole lot easier this way too so - I DO NOT CARE IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT ! - I didn't force you in so you know where the back/home button is :)
( I have not named this story yet but this will most likely be a work in progress story.. all these characters are made up in my head so there will be no picture references (not for a long time yet..) this is simply me writing whatever flows through my mind at the time and when I feel interest perk up for me to be able to continue then I'll just write a follow up :) )
- x -
"Sarah! Sarah! Wake up! .. come on wake up luv' you're going to be late for school otherwise...SAR." the woman choked up at the end with a very unhealthy cough; sounding like she had already smoked a pack of cigarettes this morning alone.
"Sar.." her voice was horsed from all the shouting, the last few months it became more frequent. It wasn't all my fault per say but I wasn't helping it either. I kept my eyes shut but we both knew that I was awake. Had I even been to sleep yet? I felt her hand rest on my shoulder then...
"Alright alright. I'm up!" my voice snapped as my eyes flung open as they darted towards her direction. I tried everything in my will to hold back the harsh sharpness in my words. Clearly it didn't work. It slipped in there though because I noticed how my mother winced back, scared. Her already 'too tired for this bullshit' eyes stare off behind me before they land back on me while she backs away, back towards my bedroom door. I've been having that effect recently and I just don't know how else to control it. After a few silent curse words to myself; I sit up slowly while I only wore a white tank top to bed, my black curls fell past my slouched shoulders, feeling already exhausted and today hadn't even fully begun.
The rest of my naked form was covered still by my blanket and I dreaded having to move in the next few minutes to finally get dressed.
"Sorry Ma, I'm up and I'll just have to walk a lot quicker today.. it's no biggie" I lied and hated it so much, how my mother couldn't realize when I was chocking up on my own words. It was such a huge deal because at times I found it a struggle to even walk to the shop. Just around the corner.. it's our shop just around the corner, the ones that just sit empty for most part of the day but by nighttime you can bet anything; it's ram packed with people buying cheap alcohol and cigarettes. "I..I'm sorry I got angry.. you know I'm not a morning person" which wasn't a lie yet it felt like one now. Why do I feel like a terrible person? I tried a soft attempt at a smile but it certainly didn't portray how I was feeling on the inside. Was I even a person? Everyday I became more aware of patterns, this regular cycle of the same events happening day in and day out. The feeling of being trapped in a body, no scratch that.. soul that I rarely even recognize as my own anymore.
"Sticks and Stones, They may break your bones, But words will never hurt you"
A silent moment fell as quick as my mothers word spoke out and I could sense she believed in them when she attempted to push a smile through. Just barely but it was there and I looked away just so I could roll my eyes. Being naive was one thing but If only she'd known that those words were a load of trash.. sticks and stones did break my bones and words were most certainly the worst part of it all.
"Please try and stay all day today" her voice was first to break the silence but it came out all hoarse again as my eyes peered in her direction, she wasn't waiting for any response as she seemed to slip back behind my door. That was the most unlikely thing to happen today, just like any other day I got up and headed straight for my shower.
"Sar.." her voice was horsed from all the shouting, the last few months it became more frequent. It wasn't all my fault per say but I wasn't helping it either. I kept my eyes shut but we both knew that I was awake. Had I even been to sleep yet? I felt her hand rest on my shoulder then...
"Alright alright. I'm up!" my voice snapped as my eyes flung open as they darted towards her direction. I tried everything in my will to hold back the harsh sharpness in my words. Clearly it didn't work. It slipped in there though because I noticed how my mother winced back, scared. Her already 'too tired for this bullshit' eyes stare off behind me before they land back on me while she backs away, back towards my bedroom door. I've been having that effect recently and I just don't know how else to control it. After a few silent curse words to myself; I sit up slowly while I only wore a white tank top to bed, my black curls fell past my slouched shoulders, feeling already exhausted and today hadn't even fully begun.
The rest of my naked form was covered still by my blanket and I dreaded having to move in the next few minutes to finally get dressed.
"Sorry Ma, I'm up and I'll just have to walk a lot quicker today.. it's no biggie" I lied and hated it so much, how my mother couldn't realize when I was chocking up on my own words. It was such a huge deal because at times I found it a struggle to even walk to the shop. Just around the corner.. it's our shop just around the corner, the ones that just sit empty for most part of the day but by nighttime you can bet anything; it's ram packed with people buying cheap alcohol and cigarettes. "I..I'm sorry I got angry.. you know I'm not a morning person" which wasn't a lie yet it felt like one now. Why do I feel like a terrible person? I tried a soft attempt at a smile but it certainly didn't portray how I was feeling on the inside. Was I even a person? Everyday I became more aware of patterns, this regular cycle of the same events happening day in and day out. The feeling of being trapped in a body, no scratch that.. soul that I rarely even recognize as my own anymore.
"Sticks and Stones, They may break your bones, But words will never hurt you"
A silent moment fell as quick as my mothers word spoke out and I could sense she believed in them when she attempted to push a smile through. Just barely but it was there and I looked away just so I could roll my eyes. Being naive was one thing but If only she'd known that those words were a load of trash.. sticks and stones did break my bones and words were most certainly the worst part of it all.
"Please try and stay all day today" her voice was first to break the silence but it came out all hoarse again as my eyes peered in her direction, she wasn't waiting for any response as she seemed to slip back behind my door. That was the most unlikely thing to happen today, just like any other day I got up and headed straight for my shower.
