Neve

city’s your playground | b&r

It was true that Brendon tended to hold things with him, maintain grudges deep down while acting relatively normal and civil on the surface. That was what he had done with Ryan- though that morning when Ryan made it clear exactly what he thought of him was in the past, now, and Brendon had seemingly moved on, the break of trust that usually took so long to build up hadn’t fully healed and there was a scar under the surface where Brendon wasn’t quite willing to allow himself to open up to someone again. That said, he hadn’t really opened up at all- he’d admitted on the night that yeah, he was lonely, and yeah, he wanted Ryan to come over. But he hadn’t said much else- all trust and closeness Brendon felt was internal, and he tried not to betray it for fear of being vulnerable. So, the next morning he was on the defensive, spitting out venemous words and informing Ryan that it had all been meaningless, physical, out of boredom and want less than actual mutual affection. It was, in Ryan’s words, a caricature of intimacy. Brendon had played stuff like this off his entire life- almost upsettingly, it had been just as easy to let Ryan down hard as it had for everybody else who grew too attached for their own good.

Using that, Brendon told himself it had really just been another one-time thing, but then once they’d closed the open, more obvious wounds, it became a two-time thing, then a three-time thing, and suddenly it was a regular occurrence, whenever they had time, whenever Ryan came over in the evening and Brendon decided his working hours were over for the day. He had broken a consistent rule, so he bent the rules for himself, something he was used to doing- and suddenly, the ‘casual affair’ was fine, no strings were attached as far as Brendon was concerned, they were just compatible in that way and it kind of made sense. What was stopping them? Sure, Ryan tended to get distracted when he should be doing work sometimes, but Brendon didn’t really care. If it became that bad, he’d probably just hire a second assistant- and maybe not sleep with that one. Either way, for a while, they were seemingly fine, but uneasy under the surface- Ryan still genuinely liked him, and Brendon had handily shut that knowledge somewhere in his mind so he couldn’t find it. There were unspoken words between them and Brendon still felt the silvery line of invisible scars where Ryan had kind of stabbed him in the back, acting as if he was non-judgemental of Brendon’s behaviour, then ripping into him about it and telling him he was dillusioned and cold.

So, it hadn’t just gone away- they were just good at avoiding uncomfortable conversations by spending much of their time in Brendon’s bedroom, and elsewhere. It was causing disruption and uneasiness, especially now that Brendon knew Gabe and Ryan were conspiring against him again, somehow, and Ryan apparently didn’t want to betray exactly what had been discussed. At first, anyway. After Brendon spending a few minutes trying to convince him, he reluctantly betrayed the conversation topic- They said I broke your trust- and Brendon wasn’t sure whether to be exasperated or grateful that Gabe had interfered yet again with his life. The apology seemed a little poorly timed, as if he’d only thought to do it once Gabe likely gave him an earful and a more than slightly threatening forewarning. ”Oh,” Brendon had mused, reflecting, still backed off and studying his assistant critically. And I would never want to do that. I never meant to.

Brendon knew that. But this was a lot to take in for someone who very rarely even had such emotional discussions about trust and intention. Brendon only knew about impulses and actions. It was a touchy subject for him, and though he was now sure he was grateful that Ryan at least had the guts to address it, he wasn’t having fun interrupting what had been the leadup to their favourite frequent pastime. So, he said nothing, just blinked peacefully and then leaned in again to finish what he had started, attaching his mouth gently to his neck. His hands were searching and confident, curling around his side and into his hair, then working idly on his buttons, taking advantage of the fact they had all the time in the world. Even better, Ryan was actually staying quiet for once, and Brendon felt eyes on him even as he simply closed his eyes and landed sure kisses against his collarbone , leading in towards his sternum. His hands had moved, one hanging in the opening of his shirt, the other tracing down his neck to his opposite collar, mapping out his skin.

And. Brendon stilled, moving back and holding in a sigh, eyes opening reluctantly. There Ryan went again, apparently incapable of staying at all quiet for more than five seconds. And Brendon thought he was the one who couldn’t stay still or shut up. And- we agreed, you deserve so much more than I think you realise. You’re worth so, so much, Bren. Okay- that was sweet- even if he felt dangerously close to saying something smart, like... ”Multi-millionaire, actually,” He mentioned, grinning, staying engaged but also continuing down the buttons of Ryan’s shirt almost subconsciously. ”No, I- Thank you. It means a lot, considering I fuckin’- usually I get compared to my siblings, or my dad, and it sucks. I can never be just Brendon. I’m Brendon Boyd Blake. My family defines who I am, and that name is all people ever care about. It doesn’t usually bother me, just-“ Brendon paused, looking up finally once he’d reached the last of Ryan’s buttons, meeting his eyes and trying not be drawn up immediately into a kiss. ”I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t want to be a failure. And what you said- that I lacked compassion, and that I was reckless and unsafe- I felt like a mixture of both.”

He went quiet for a minute. That was probably the most he’d talked about himself without making a joke, ever. Almost impressed with himself, and feeling like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, he exhaled just in time for Ryan to draw him back into another kiss, readily accepting it and also moving his hands to Ryan’s shoulders to slide the shirt off his arms.

brilliant and bored || b&r

Brendon had a boyfriend. It was the last thing that most people expected- not just because he had never been one for officially labelled ‘relationships’, but because said boyfriend wasn’t Ryan Ready, the assistant everybody knew he was close to, perhaps beyond just professionalism. All of his inner circle (none of them but Gabe were to be trusted- literally the next day Brendon had mentioned it, the news had ‘somehow’ leaked that Brendon was dating Shane Valdes) was rather taken aback by the news, which was broken to them in first person. This is Shane, Brendon had said, introducing the man that stood close by him with an arm wrapped almost possessively around his waist, He’s my boyfriend. Everybody liked Shane, or else they were very good at pretending they did so to stay in Brendon’s good books and therefore in the warm glow of the spotlight. Everybody except Gabe- who immediately began being passive aggressive, so talented at being fake-nice that even Shane, someone Brendon would describe as a cynic at best, thought that they were being genuine. It was amusing to watch- but Brendon still kind of glared Gabe down, more out of feeling like it was his duty. Gabe had been the one going off on tangents about how Brendon needed somebody. If Gabe didn’t like Brendon’s choice, then they could fuck off.

Ryan was one of the last to learn, because Brendon wasn’t entirely sure how to break it to him. There was a grey area as to when he and Shane officially became a thing, because weeks into ‘dating’ him, Brendon and Ryan hadn’t exactly ended their extended fling. So, when Brendon first introduced Shane, Ryan was wary, but initially thought he was just another usual, unfavourable hookup; when Brendon saw him again, then again, Ryan started to grow uneasy. Brendon then started referring to Shane as his boyfriend, and their affair grinded to a halt because Brendon was a lot of things, but he wasn’t unfaithful, not in an exclusive, official relationship. And that was that. He was surprised (and even a little annoyed) that he’d evoked seemingly no reaction in Ryan, when it was kind of obvious Ryan had liked him for, like, forever. Oh well- he accepted that maybe Ryan didn’t care as much as he thought he did, and it was better this way anyway. No drama.

Shane was... Interesting, to say the least. He was insatiable and impatient, even more so than Brendon was, but once he had gotten what he wanted, he tended to be dismissive and give him the cold shoulder. Yet, he was simultaneously borderline possessive- and only tended to be sweet when he wanted something, or he was broke for a while when his parents cut off his credit card. Brendon was used to this kind of behaviour in small doses from meaningless people, so he just kind of shrugged his shoulders and went along with it- Brendon might not have been naive, per say, but he was oblivious to how much Shane was dating his bank account rather than him as an actual person. He tried not to think about- and that worked. Sometimes the less Brendon knew, the better. Or so was his philosophy. Gabe didn’t agree- in fact, Gabe was the only one with the guts to actually say something about it all (or the only one who really cared). Brendon shut them down. He’d had enough with people criticising his every decision.

Gabe was right, though, Shane did take a lot and give little in return- but when he was sweet, when he was affectionate, it was everything Brendon had been missing. It was easy to ignore the criticism or the harshness of the relentless slander of the media when he was in the arms of somebody he thought genuinely cared about him. At those moments, he could quite easily sweep all of Shane’s vices under the rug- everyone had them, didn’t they? Nobody was perfect. Gabe, he thought, was just a control freak, and liked to interfere, and actually didn’t care much about Brendon himself- always the libra. Or not. Maybe Brendon was the cynic. Either way, Gabe had never been full of support for many of Brendon’s decisions, for better or for worse; it was the fact that Ryan was unphased that truly baffled him. Well- that was, he never brought it up with Brendon. When Shane was around, however, the two of them locked horns, and Brendon always tried not to be amused- Shane constantly accused Ryan of having the hots for Brendon and getting in the way, while Ryan was mean-spirited in return, constantly apparently jumping to Brendon’s defence or just making snide, bitter comments. If Brendon wasn’t dating one and employing the other, he wouldn’t really care- but for both of their sakes, he tried not to leave them alone together for too long.

It had been a couple of months now, and Shane spent a large proportion of his and Brendon’s time round at Brendon’s apartment. Brendon was only used to seeing Ryan that often (even Gabe made themselves scarce sometimes), so it was strange at first, but now he was used to Shane being around, drinking all of his liquor, taking ridiculously long showers, and coaxing an easy Brendon into spending a lot of their time in his bedroom. It didn’t help his case that Shane was, admittedly, attractive enough to turn heads- Brendon’s head, in this case, extensively. That morning, they’d woken up together- Shane had invited himself over to stay the night and Brendon wasn’t about to argue. They’d spent most of the morning in bed, as usual, and then Shane decided they’d depart for another one of his forty-minute showers, so Brendon got half-dressed and went to make himself a drink at around half twelve. One o’clock, and Shane was still in the shower, Brendon on his second drink and just kind of lounging about waiting for him to come out of the bathroom so he could kick him out and enjoy his own company for once.

He was just sipping at his drink when the front door burst open, and in through the door came a familiar face, complete with hair that was now curly to the point that it was when he and Ryan had just met. Brendon smiled fondly. He noted that Ryan was also just wearing a slightly ratty hoodie, and admired how he just really didn’t give a shit anymore. Brendon could only dream of being so low maintenance. Hey, sleeping beauty. Brendon put his drink down on the coffee table and frowned. ”You know, I didn’t even say ‘come in’. And you didn’t knock,” He commented, running a hand through his tousled hair and exhaling, ”If you don’t start, you might see something you don’t wanna.” There. Ryan couldn’t say Brendon didn’t warn him. Ignore your schedule, if you remember it. I can pretty much handle everything for you remotely. Brendon nodded, half-listening, only pretending to give a shit. He knew Ryan, his constant saviour, would take care of it.

How are you? What've you been up to? Haven't heard from you today. Brendon shrugged idly, then looked coyly back towards his bedroom door, biting his lip and then looking back at Ryan, hoping he got the picture. ”Shane is in the shower,” He reported, sitting up a little after stretching. Hopefully not for much longer- it was coming to the end of the usual amount of time it took for Shane to get out of the shower. Brendon had no idea what he did in there- he certainly didn’t sing. Music was unfortunately a talent or interest that he and Brendon shared. As if on cue, he heard the shower stop, and moments later the bedroom door opened and Shane came out with just a towel wrapped around his waist, still more or less dripping wet. Brendon let his eyes follow him, looking less than impressed. Shane zeroed in on him immediately, and moved to the back of the couch, wrapping his arms around his neck and pressing a kiss against the side of his mouth, then his neck. Why’d you get dressed? Didn’t realise you’d had enough. Brendon just rose his eyebrows, having the decency to look somewhat apologetic towards Ryan. Shane seemed to notice said assistant for the first time. Who let that in?

Brendon blinked. ”He let himself in. Assistant, remember?” He chided, finally turning around to kiss Shane, mostly just so he’d leave him alone for a second, for Ryan’s sake. Well, can he go? He’s ruining my plans. Brendon laughed, more at him than with him, and shook his head, dropping his arms down to his sides and shrugging Shane’s hand from his shoulder. “No. He has stuff to do.” Shane didn’t look very impressed with that response and drew back to look at Brendon, then Ryan, with suspicion, then back to Brendon. Put a shirt on, then. He’s ogling you. Seriously? Brendon looked more than affronted, and just crossed his arms over his chest. ”No. You get dressed. You’re the one in a towel.” Poor Ryan. Brendon shot him a glance.

to my legs and to my tongue | m&h

To say Mitch was socially awkward would be an understatement. They weren’t the kind of person to make friends easily, and the close ones they did have they could count on their fingers- in fact, they usually weren’t even drawn to new people, but this guitarist, Holden from Pencey Prep, the band that had been most helpful to them, was fascinating, and cute. The tattoos Mitch could see on his neck and covering his arms, his piercings (the lip ring in particular), his features alone- Mitch easily had their head turned by a very energetic personality contained by a short stature and covered in various tattoos, each one fascinating. It wasn’t that they were easy by any means; Holden just had an appearance befitting to their aesthetic, a jawline Mitch was jealous of, and the kind of features that captivated them so much they wished they had brought a drawing pad with them just so they could sketch him, so they wouldn’t forget- Though something told them that Holden wouldn’t give them the chance to forget.

The two of them quite easily became comfortable (or as comfortable as Mitch could be with a relative stranger), and Mitch even allowed him to buy them a drink that they were definitely going to not touch at all. It wasn’t that they couldn’t, or didn’t want to drink it, it was just that Mitch was genuinely thirsty for the only thing that provided them sustenance, and consuming anything else would make that worse. They sort of just tapped their fingers against the can, listening to Holden talk, and fuck, Holden could talk. Mitch was amused, but they didn’t really say anything,just pushed some hair back out of their red-shadowed eyes and grinned, wicked sharp canines glinting again. Mitch was a very good listener- or could be, when they felt like it. Oh, I know. Who spells it with a single ‘L’? I’ll remember. Not doubting it for a second, Mitch shrugged in response to the question because, although nobody had actually spelled their full name like that in the last, they wouldn’t put it past some people.

Mitch enjoyed talking to Holden about random shit, but the artist in them desperately wanted to know about the vast array of tattoos painted on his skin, like he was a canvas, running out of room. Mitch was instantly romanticising it to all heaven and hell and they wanted to know when and why Holden got each and every one. Holden seemed just as enthusiastic, as he should be- so he’d probably be willing. Okay, uh, when I joined Pencey, and I was in front of the biggest crowd I’d ever been, I realised I didn’t wanna get a real job. So cliché- Mitch loved it, noticing with a small, barely hidden smile that the scorpion’s number of legs wasn’t even right. That somehow made it better. ”Punk,” They commented, eyes still roaming wherever Holden’s skin was bare. Like, I don't wanna sit in a fuckin' cubicle in a tie and slacks or whatever, ever. 'Cause this is what I'll always want to do. So I'm gonna make it impossible to get hired, naturally. Mitch nodded- because they understood. Not like they could get a real job anyway without scaring the shit out of people.

But I'm broke, so I go to my guy and tell him 'I've got thirty-four bucks, give me whatever as high up as you can,' and I come out with this. Not bad for thirty-four bucks, Mitch thought, still critiquing the scorpion, stinger brandished like it was fending off any chance at a ‘real job’ as Holden had so eloquently put it. Mitch was pretty sure they had found their new muse- Holden, the wild guitarist of a punk rock band, with boundless energy, a surplus of tattoos everywhere skin was exposed and everywhere it wasn’t, various piercings and features Mitch had now mentally taken a picture of so they could sketch him out later. It wasn’t often they were so intruiged with random strangers they met at bars. Didn’t get one on my face ‘cause I’m too dreamy. Not bothering to dodge around the clear mutual attraction here (that Holden had addressed in the first five minutes of them actually talking for the first time), they nodded in agreement, trying not to smile as Holden spread his arms out just slightly as if to present himself. ”I’m glad. Tattoos are cool, but you’re too pretty to cover any of your face with them,” They commented, before leaning in, interested, as Holden started to present some of his others.

Again, Mitch was fascinated by the sheer space that Holden’s ink took up of his body, and found that they had to remind themself that reaching out and tracing the first one their fingers rested on was not considered wholly appropriate for near-strangers in public. That said, something told them that Holden was the kind of guy who really wouldn’t give a shit- there was a natural self-confidence around him that Mitch admired, however vaguely obnoxious it was. The artist in them noticed the kind of style Holden liked and was already formulating new designs to maximise the use of whatever empty expanses of skin were left. ”Show me the rest sometime,” They said in a tone as innocent as possible, looking up to meet Holden’s eyes when he dropped his shirt back down. I could have guessed, actually. Not many people show up here with such a, uh, tangible aesthetic for their group. Mitch wasn’t sure whether that was a compliment or not, and decided they didn’t particularly care either way. ”You’ve cut me a lot of slack, there. Truth is, my aesthetic is sort of predetermined...” Baring their teeth again, they displayed their fangs long enough for Holden to look properly. ”They’re real. I’m a vampire.”

Quite an odd thing to drop into casual conversation, true, but Mitch had to mention it somewhere just in case Holden had a phobia or something. Instead of dwelling on that, they requested a closer look at Holden’s calloused, inked hands, and the guitarist immediately complied. Deciding that these ones were their favourite, they tentatively traced over the letters they could discern from the crowded ink. Yeah! These are the ones that make people think I'm gonna steal from their store. Mitch laughed. ”You’re saying you’ve never done something questionable that would warrant such suspicions? You must be pretty recognisable.” My birthday's Halloween, that's why I've got that. And, uh, it looks like 'rwob okom...' but it's 'bookworm,' when you read it right. Mitch nodded, letting go of Holden’s hand and letting him lace his fingers and display how his tattoos worked.

You’re pretty chill. Usually people don’t care much. Finding themself staring at that damn lip ring again, Mitch just shrugged, though still managed to look intruiged by all of Holden’s ink. They found themselves wanting to learn it, map it out, he able to trace it from memory. Mitch wondered if that conversational path was too forward, even for a guy like this, who looked like he’d be phased by nothing. ”Tattoos, piercings, all that shit? Hot as fuck.”

city’s your playground | b&r

Brendon didn’t like it when anybody held stuff from him or kept him in the dark- but when it was Ryan, somebody who he had already lost some trust in after building up so much, it was even worse. Gabe regularly went behind his back, but Brendon could tolerate that; Gabe usually knew best and did everything for his sake, whereas Ryan... maybe he also cared, but all Brendon could think about was the judgemental edge to his tone, the high-and-mighty stance he’d taken that morning after as if he was high above and far away from what had happened between them. Brendon didn’t usually care what people thought about him- if he did he’d barely go outside and show his face- but this was Ryan, a man who both worked for him and was moving up in the ranks of trusted people when he made that slip-up and Brendon’s faith came crumbling down. Not fully, obviously; they were still like this, still doing this, it had almost returned to normal save for even further increased wariness and unwillingness to open up fully. It had been a hard day anyway- the last thing he needed were more people joined against him, and the last two he expected to be conspiring about him were Gabe and Ryan (who had only met formally once).

Brendon was perturbed, sure, but not upset enough to kick Ryan out because he wanted him right now, liked him being close, felt comfort in the warmth he radiated from the skin under his shirt as he moved much closer and cradled Ryan’s jaw in his hands. There were a few quiet moments then, Brendon avoided Ryan’s gaze for fear of becoming completely enamoured and Ryan forcing himself not to let his eyes drift down to his lips. Therefore, Brendon blinked down at Ryan’s mouth, and Ryan sought out his eyes. It was a brief show of their different priorities- Brendon’s instinct for self-preservation, avoiding furthering that intimacy (which was immensely difficult, owing to the strong magnetism between them), and Ryan’s yearning for something more, something more serious, emotional. Brendon exhaled, blinked, attempted to convince himself that this was no different from last time, nothing had changed. Far from thinking about Gabe now, he decided he could push aside his exclusion from the conversation in favour of losing himself a little, leading the conversation away from anything tense and instead resorting to teasing.

See if I can wear you out, probably. Brendon laughed, both intruiged by the prospect and amused by the delivery. He hoped Ryan was serious. ”I’d be impressed,” Came his response, and he finally met his eyes for just a second, feeling himself melt a little inside. Stupid feelings. Brendon didn’t want them. Never been done before. Nodding in mock-sombre confirmation, he grinned then, leaning in closer as he spoke. ”You’ve come the closest.” Leaving that to sink in, he barely gave Ryan time to breathe before he leaned in despite all his common sense and met him in a rare kiss. Usually, Brendon tried to avoid it altogether, and if not, it was usually intended as a swift escalatory action. This could be seen as different- it was gentle, at least softer than usual, and Ryan responded almost instantly, equally as careful and tender. Brendon felt a kind of serenity settle over him that he wasn’t used to- if he wasn’t careful, he’d get lost, forget that it wasn’t supposed to go this way, and expose himself in less literal ways.

Brendon. There it was, his name from Ryan’s lips again. His heart fluttered unnaturally and he was sick with himself. He pulled back, slightly irritated- could whatever Ryan had to say not wait? I- I’m sorry, that I was so ... preachy, before. It’s not my place, it never was. I don’t know why I... I’m sorry, Bren. That was a lot to process- Brendon’s brief moments of peace were tarnished by the resurfacing if suppressed memories. Why couldn’t Ryan just let bygones be bygones? It seemed he was willing to before... Gabe. Brendon silently swore. What had that fucker stirred up this time? But... Bren. He liked that. It stopped him from snapping at Ryan for having awful timing. ”It’s okay,” Brendon offered, starting to lean in again because this was now being drawn out. The kiss he received was chaste and disappointing; Brendon was ready to tell him to just shut up about it, but Ryan was evidently on some kind of tangent of guilt. I never wanted to be an asshole, or make you feel like I was judging you, or anything.

Brendon paused, mulling it over. That was probably the first genuine, thought-about apology he’d received about the ‘incident’- and though it was long overdue, and the timing was awful, Brendon appreciated the sentiment. Until he realised this was likely all Gabe’s doing. Drawing back suddenly, dropping his hands down to rest on Ryan’s legs instead, he narrowed his eyes. ”What the fuck did Gabe say to you, Ryan?? Thank you for the apology, I know you didn’t fuckin’ mean to be an asshole, but I’m not an idiot.” There was an initial surge of annoyance, but it quickly faded, because he really just wanted to kiss him again, hard. Brendon went quiet, hesitating, wondering whether or not to wait for a response or just moved on. His natural impatience got the better of him in the end. It’s just important to me that you know that, I guess. Bad timing, I know.

Brendon bit his lip, nodding in acknowledgment. As Ryan drew him closer, Brendon slotted their legs together so they were tangled up and barely any space was between them- and Brendon said nothing, just rested one hand down at Ryan’s waist and the other curled loosely into his hair. ”I forgive you,” He began, then moved in and pressed his mouth against the side of Ryan’s neck, ”But you talk too much.” Finding his pulse and then moving down, Brendon moved the hand curled around Ryan’s waist up to single-handedly undo the first few buttons of his shirt, before pressing a kiss against his now-exposed collarbone, with clearly no intent of stopping and talking this over some more.

city’s your playground | b&r

It wasn’t like Brendon to be very sentimental, but he really had missed Ryan’s presence. It had been a free evening for them both, but Brendon could think of no professional excuse to invite him round- and it felt too cheap to just straight up get to the point. They never did. They avoided talking about it indirectly or through text- they always found excuses and it went on from there. This time, there wasn’t, and more than just company, Brendon wanted his specific company. In the past, it was whoever was easier to get a hold of, and though that was usually Ryan, he had no qualms with settling for someone else. Now, though, if it wasn’t Ryan, it was nobody at all. As much as it scared him, he couldn’t pretend he was completely detached, because he wasn’t. Still, he tried to keep those traces of actually caring deep inside, and more often than not, he was successful- many people had called him selfish, detached and callous in the past- but early in that morning, he’d caved. He sent a text on impulse then regretted it, turning off his phone, unwilling to face any reply.

It was embarrassing- either Ryan would think he was overstepping whatever shreds of professional boundaries they had left, and that would be mortifying, or Ryan would take it as some sort of confession and that scared him even more. So Brendon did what he did best and avoided it as best he could, unaware that it was the highlight of Ryan’s morning and it took him about fifteen minutes to formulate, write and send two one-line texts in response. By the time he got home at about 1pm, he’d been constantly on his phone, but still refused to open the text. If Ryan cared enough, he’d bring it up later, the next time Ryan was over at Brendon’s. On the way back, Brendon was hoping that would be tonight- so he was feeling very lucky when he found Ryan already there, like a miracle, an angel accompanied with a very questionable character- Gabriel. Funny. Gabe was usually the self-described ‘angel’, and to be fair to them, they were Brendon’s practical guardian. Brendon always told them to stop interfering so much, but without them, god knows what kind of state he’d be in.

Despite his constant appreciation for Gabe, he wasn’t really in the mood to deal with them right now, so he firmly kicked them out, other things on his mind besides keeping Gabe off his and Ryan’s back. Once they had left (not before dropping a few teasing quips), Brendon was still a little stressed, because of Ryan’s resignedness said anything, it was that Gabriel Carrasco really couldn’t keep their mouth shut and nose out of anything. Brendon was intent on figuring out exactly what words had been exchanged (to be fair, the conversation was probably one-way), and if Ryan wouldn’t talk, he would find out from Gabe himself. Or he’d just make him. Brendon was his boss, after all- he just didn’t feel like using a power play. There was enough of a fabricated social and financial imbalance between them to begin with. Then find out from them. Ryan’s voice sounded soft, apprehensive. Brendon, in turn, lowered his own voice to a gentle tone, though it was still persistent- he wasn’t about to give up.

”I’d rather hear it from you,” Brendon pressed, walking back from tidying away Gabe’s discarded glass. ”C’mon, Ryan. Don’t keep shit from me.” He tried to sound serious, and he was, but he could tell that whatever Gabe had said had shaken Ryan up a little- so there was concern, frustration and sympathy. ”Seriously, whatever they said- probably not true. I dunno. I’ll find out.” Though still intensely curious, Brendon dropped it, instead going off on a brief tangent about his stupid parents and the stupid lunch that he quickly bailed from in favour of sitting in a Starbucks for a half hour then heading back home, ignoring missed calls from his mother and father. His inheritance was looking pretty far away right now, admittedly, but Brendon couldn’t bring himself to care of caring meant he had to put up with his parents’ criticism for several hours and just nod along, pretend he was listening and taking the ‘advice’. He’d rather be cut off.

Frustrated quickly by even mentioning them, Brendon welcomed the distraction that Ryan’s presence brought, quickly abandoning all thoughts of familial troubles in favour of sidling up behind his long-suffering PA and wrapping his arms loosely around his neck. Wholly inappropriate- wholly normal by now. There was a promise in the way he played with the buttons of Ryan’s shirt, and he stifled a smirk when he literally heard Ryan stop breathing for a good three seconds before there was a slightly shaky exhale. Then, just as he was about to speak, Ryan turned around to face him, Brendon’s arms still thrown over his shoulders, their faces now close. Brendon avoided his gaze because he knew he’d melt. Brendon. He liked the way his name sounded coming from Ryan’s mouth, and bit his lip very briefly. ”What can I do for you, darlin’?” There he was thinking this would be exciting, but no. Um... it's cool, I'll, uh. I'll deal with everything you didn't get to, okay? You're okay, right? Brendon raised his eyebrows- whatever. He knew Ryan would sort it out- he was good at his job. Brendon trusted him to do that, at least. Anything else?

And... I'm very on board with that change of schedule. Haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon. Brendon found that ridiculously endearing- yesterday afternoon was less than 24 hours ago and Ryan behaved as if it had been weeks. Like the two of them would go that long. Brendon’s gaze moved down to follow Ryan’s hands as they smoothed over his collar and then rested against his chest. ”I thought you might be,” He said gently, glancing down quickly at Ryan’s mouth. Are you saying you’re all done today? I get you to myself? Brendon nodded, then made moves to climb over the back of his couch and sit very close to Ryan, facing him, planting a knee between Ryan’s legs and leaning forwards, hands curled up around his jaw. ”Yeah, I’m done. All to yourself. What’re you gonna do with all the time?” Brendon laughed, argued with himself for a moment about whether this was breaking his own personal rules, then discarded his internal debate aside and leaned in to catch him in a kiss.

city’s your playground | b&r

Prior to coming back home, Brendon had experienced a relatively busy day that he didn’t really have the energy to engage in in the first place. He had woken up around eight, early for him, and lay in bed, trying not to notice the absence of heat beside him that he’d gotten so used to recently. Without ryan, his bedroom was empty and sort of cold, and Brendon had sat up against the headboard, thinking of a professional excuse to text him. He already knew about the suits, but that dropoff was scheduled mid-afternoon and Brendon would probably be busy if he remembered from the half-hearted glance he payed to his calendar. Brendon bit his lip then reached over to his dressing table and picked up his phone, sending Ryan a quick text- So, what’s on my agenda today? I can’t remember. Ryan responded almost immediately and while he was typing Brendon hauled himself out of bed, stretching lithely and then trudging over, half-asleep, to stand in front of his floor-length mirror. He rubbed his right hand over his sleeve of tattoos and then ran into through his hair, trying to push it back now it had sprung out of place.

Ryan’s reply was something along the lines of informing him of a lot of boring things that Brendon had to do and then something even worse- lunch, with his parents. What was worse was that he didn’t know which-if any- siblings would be there, and that would take his excitement levels from zero into the minuses. Though he was kinda pissed, he just texted Ryan ‘thank you’ followed by a risky ‘I missed you last night, good morning’. Brendon had a talent of effortlessly fading in and out of being professional. He turned off his phone, then, so he didn’t have to see the reply, and turned to head into his bathroom to go and have a shower, before getting dressed (planning a more casual outfit around his new oversized denim jacket). Hair now tamed, dressed, ready, Brendon took his phone and turned it on but didn’t look at the notifications in his messages from Ryan, just shoved it in his pocket and left his house, trying to mentally prepare himself for even a couple of hours with his family.

Twenty minutes into being there, his father had already criticised him about his ‘lack of motivation’, disguising plain, disdainful insult as ‘advice’, and his mother had ‘just mentioned’ the fact he still didn’t have a girlfriend. Brendon was somewhat surprised, his parents were Mormon, sure, but he really didn’t expect them to be so rigid about who they wanted Brendon to be with. They had accepted rather reluctantly that he was bisexual, which was a step, but it was more tolerating than embracing with open arms. He now knew his mother was trying to like, forget what he’d said and ignore the fact he liked men. Brendon was frustrated and had had enough of the two of them interfering with his life- he was close to snapping at that fancy restaurant but consoled himself, made a curt excuse, pushed his chair back and left the lunch despite the protests of his parents and the obvious angry sighs from his father had made him want to turn around and punch him. But Brendon had just exhaled and left, trying not to make a scene, which was unusual for someone who usually attracted all the wrong attention.

From that, he had gone to a Starbucks, ignoring his schedule, and sat inside for once, managing to look pissed off enough that nobody tried to approach him, they just whispered and took pictures and his barista looked extremely flustered. Brendon tried to be as charming and friendly as possible so the barista didn’t, like, get stressed out and drop coffee everywhere. After thirty minutes of just trying to relax, he rose and made a decision- his day was hereby over, he was too stressed to do anything else, he wanted to go home, and he had nervous energy and frustration he needed to dispel. His head immediately went to Ryan- he looked at his phone, and still didn’t have the guts to check what Ryan had actually said. He just walked out of the Starbucks and called an Uber, not really feeling like walking back to the restaurant and retrieving his chauffeur. So, he was dropped off home, and took the elevator to the top floor.

He knew it was about time that Ryan would be dropping off his new suits, and he had planned his arrival accordingly- the person he didn’t expect to be in his house was Gabe, who he was pretty sure had a key to his apartment that Brendon didn’t know about. He didn’t really mind their presence, but Gabe knew about him and Ryan, and Gabe being alone with him and Ryan being so resigned and quiet was setting off a million warning signs. If Gabe had said anything stupid or misleading, he’d throttle them. Or pay someone else to do it. He was too small. In any case, Brendon wanted to be alone with Ryan anyway, so firmly kicked his friend out, promising subtextually that they’d have a conversation about this ‘coincidence’ later. Gabe had surprisingly left pretty quickly, without dragging it out, and Brendon exhaled a laugh when the door shut, constantly amused by his friend’s behaviour.

Even though he was now home, he was no less nervously energetic, but he managed to keep it under control, somehow enough that he could be gentle, placing his hands on Ryan’s shoulders and inquiring exactly what had happened when Gabe showed up unannounced. Maybe. I liked them. Who didn’t? Brendon smiled, eyes crinkling, because he liked Gabe too, a lot. They always had Brendon’s back. ”Me too.” Um, I think they just wanted to see what all this ‘new PA’ business was about. Gabe’s really cool. Brendon clicked his tongue, because there was no way that was true, Brendon had told Gabe everything they needed to know, Gabe never did anything out of curiosity and there was always a motive. ”C’mon, Ry. I’ll find out from Gabe anyway.” He dropped his hands back down to his sides and walked around the sofa, picking up Gabe’s discarded martini glass and walking back over into the kitchen to place it on the side. He then returned, still looking suspicious.

Anyway, uh, I got your suits, they’re on the back of the door. Brendon nodded faintly in acknowledgement, looking towards the door, but nothing more. Usually, Brendon would have dropped everything to try them on, but he was wholly preoccupied. So, why’re you back early? I thought you had things to do? Brendon grinned then, welcoming of the topic change for a moment. ”Bailed on lunch with my parents, ditched the rest of my plans for today. Besides, I added something new to do to the calendar,” He said casually, wandering back around and leaning down to wrap his arms loosely around his neck, turning his head and leaning close to speak into his ear. ”Ryan Ready.” He grinned, proud of his own elaborate innuendo, and moved one hand to play with the buttons of his shirt idly, remaining where he was, loosely wrapped around Ryan’s neck.

city’s your playground | b&r

Brendon was by no means perfect, and what was surprising was that whatever the media said about him tended to be founded in truth. Gabe was probably even worse- they’d both done some shady shit in the past- but they were better at concealing it than him, more public relation savvy, better at dusting it under the rug. The cleaner someone looked, the more they had to hide- unless it was Brendon, whose private life was so pathetically non-private that he had given up completely on caring what people knew or thought about him and just tried to have a good time. That was why his image was so tattered- it wasn’t that he was any more of a troublesome playboy than, say, Gabe- he was just more reckless, and much worse at keeping it together and not cracking under the pressure to keep his image pristine. That pressure came from his family, especially his father, and it was too large a weight to bear alone on his shoulders, so he stopped trying, just let it tumble down at his feet, kicking the fallout aside until it came back to bite him. Brendon lived in the moment- dangerously, questionably- and it was natural that people would be concerned about him, or more commonly, intrusive and intruiged.

Gabe tried to tail Brendon as much as they could without being yelled at for being patronising- and the threshold for that was low, even for Gabe, Brendon’s closet friend. They followed him to events they knew had been staged to try and make Brendon fuck up in any way possible to make for a good news story. They stood around like a personal bodyguard, looking intimidating, so shady characters didn’t chance their arm. But they couldn’t be there all the time- honestly, they didn’t really want to- and Brendon was going to meet people, and choose people to keep seeing, and Gabe could do nothing as a precaution head on without being accused of interfering with Brendon’s life or being paid by his father or something (Gabe despised Brendon’s father, that was never going to happen), so they chose a more discreet approach, all but ambushing poor R.R, the unassuming PA who was just on his way to drop off some suits for his boss. That’s what their relationship should be. Gabe knew this was far from the case and their relationship was hardly professional at all.

They were distrustful, but also felt a tug on their gut that Ryan really did just want Brendon to be happy and healthily fulfilled, even if he had a funny way of showing and describing it. Therefore, against their own usual character and better judgement, they decided to offer Ryan some quite harsh advice, laying it down that Brendon didn’t completely trust Ryan and it would take work for trust to build with someone so guarded and emotionally unavailable. Ryan had his work cut out- it had taken years for Gabe to break through the barrier and they still weren’t all the way through- so they felt some sympathy, and showed their rarely-seen helpful side- only to regret it immediately. Brendon would kill them if he found out, and Ryan didn’t look particularly good at keeping secrets. He doesn’t- really? He doesn’t trust me. Gabe nodded, watching as Ryan’s gaze darted away, distracted. ”Not completely. He did start to, but- you said all that to him and it was a hard blow. If he wanted to, he’d have completely cut you off by now, so- don’t worry. And don’t take it personally. Just- be honest with him, but not patronizing.” Gabe smiled fondly, then insulted him affectionately as only close friends could. ”Fuckin’ brat isn’t used to criticism.”

That doesn’t mean he owes you anything. Good answer. They thought about bringing up the whole ‘you’re getting paid and also sleeping with the person that pays you’ predicament and what it implied, but Ryan seemed to be preoccupied with enough, so they held their tongue for once. Just, in a perfect world, it’d be nice if... he could like me back. If I had a chance, whatever. I don’t know. Geniunely surprised, Gabe found themself with a new respect for Ryan- they were observant and intuitive and they could tell Ryan was telling the truth, he did really, genuinely like Brendon, and he just wanted his affections returned. Typical pining story, typical ‘damaged’ love interest. It was so sweet, Gabe could be sick. They tried not to grimace and kept listening. That’s what I want. Ideally, he could have any kind of interest in me that isn’t- you know. Gabe followed his eyes to the bed and wished they didn’t have that image in their head, but laughed anyway. ”You’re not complaining about that, are you?”

I mean, I'd settle for him being with anyone as long as he isn't alone anymore. And you know what I mean by 'alone' - he's surrounded by people now, sure, but you're the only one I've seen that actually gives a fuck. You came here. Ryan wasn’t entirely wrong, but he wasn’t entirely right, either. Gabe was probably the person who cared the most, but they weren’t the only. Brendon wasn’t as lonely as many people believed, but lonely enough that it was relatively obvious. They remained quiet, just clenched their jaw. It'd suck like hell, yeah, but I care about him, you know? I don't show it well, I say all the wrong things - which you heard, I guess - but I do. He's way more than some rich asshole's son. ”I know, dumbass,” They cut in, slightly irritated. ”I know that rich asshole, personally, and he and Brendon are nothing alike. Brendon is better. He deserves better- than me, than his dad, than you, than anyone. But there’s something about you he obviously can’t shake because he’s kept seeing you. You’re clearly important to him. Just don’t fuck it up. I mean it.”

There were maybe a few moments of quiet after that when the door to the penthouse opened and through it came the devil as they spoke of him- Brendon, apparently making an unplanned stop at his house. Unusual, even though it was his own damn apartment. Gabe tried not to look too guilty, standing up immediately and knocking back the rest of their martini, grinning charmingly over at their friend as he advanced, immediately looking suspicious, eyes darting from a resigned looking Ryan to a cheery Gabe. ”Hey, Gabe,” He said lightly, eyebrows risen. ”...Hey, Ryan. What’re you guys doing here?” Gabe walked around the sofa towards him, forgetting about Ryan, and shrugged casually. ”Just stopping by. Ran into your little boyfriend, too! Small world.” Gabe could get away with that- Gabe was Gabe. Nevertheless, Brendon rolled his eyes, still looking rather terse, his jaw clenched as he shrugged off his denim jacket and left it carefully on the back of the sofa that Ryan was sitting on.

”Whatever, Gabriel. I’ll see you around, yeah? Text me.” That was a vaguely threatening command, not a request. Even so, it was hard to look intimidating when he was 5’9 and Gabe was 6’4. Gabe had grinned, looked from Ryan to Brendon, and shrugged, before heading towards the door. ”Try and keep it in your pants, Bden. Adios!” Before Brendon could, like, throw something at them, they had made a swift exit, leaving Ryan and Brendon alone in the apartment. ”God fuckin’ damn, maybe I need to set stronger boundaries,” He mused, though he was smiling. Brendon stood behind the back of the sofa Ryan hadn’t moved from, and rested his hands gently on his shoulders, an oddly intimate touch, if only to quell the urge to lean down and kiss him. ”Uh, so- what was that about?”

city’s your playground | b&r

Gabe honestly could not see what Brendon saw in this guy. They had a moment to just study, try and pinpoint exactly what made him so special- but to them, there was nothing. Sure, he was relatively tall (probably almost 6 feet, nowhere near Gabe’s height), but apart from that- his eyes were nice, they supposed, a sort of honeycomb colour, and his hair was dark and looked like it could be curly if he just left it to dry. To be fair, the more Gabe looked, the more they kind of understood- Ryan was, underneath many layers and a misleadingly lean appearance, fairly built, enough that Gabe could tell. And he was a guitarist- when Ryan put his hands in his lap, that was obvious. Well, appearance was all well and good, and Ryan could be classed as on the spectrum of Brendon’s ‘type’, but from what they saw, he was quiet and unassuming and painfully socially awkward. The Brendon that Gabe knew didn’t have the patience for those kinds of people- usually. Suddenly Gabe phased a little out of interrogation mode; though Brendon was sometimes oblivious, he wasn’t stupid. Maybe they should trust his judgement a little more. This nervous PA didn’t seem like a potential threat.

Even so, they retained the image and mindset of grilling this guy to find out what, if any, his intentions were, and whether he knew just how vulnerable Brendon was making himself by even committing to what could only be described as an elongated fling for such a long time. They kept it subtle at first, noting that Ryan had the audacity to look a little apprehensive, and the foresight to look confused. Gabe hopes they wouldn’t have to, like, prove that they knew, but they would if Ryan refused to admit to it even after they revealed that Brendon had told them. Casually they kind of dropped a warning- mentioning the breaking of Brendon’s heart that they hoped was pointed rather than general. Brendon was by no means in love with Ryan, in fact Gabe wasn’t even sure how he really felt about him. They did know that he mentioned Ryan too often for it to be completely unattached, and the way he spoke about him... Against Brendon’s will, seemingly, he always ended up smiling, his eyes even crinkling at the corners. If that wasn’t on the way to Brendon’s guarded heart, nothing was. But they weren’t going to tell Ryan that. Yet.

Fed up of dancing around it, they dropped it on Ryan that they knew, they’ve known all along, since the first morning after it happened when Brendon had called them, angry and frustrated, complaining that he thought somebody just cared about him again and all they did was be patronising and expect him to immediately fall in love. Or something. Gabe didn’t really follow- they were still in bed and half asleep. They watched carefully as Ryan seemed to curl up a little more, resigning his eyes to the floor. Gabe felt no sympathy and just pried, not willing to give up and determined to do something on a scale of warning to straight up threatening this guy not to hurt Brendon in any way that was his control. But they could only do that if he started to talk. You’ve got it all wrong. Trust me. Gabe looked doubtful. ”Are you sure? What I heard sounded pretty telling, and I heard it from Brendon, not my own intuition.”

That’s not- I wasn’t trying to be self-righteous, or an asshole, you have to believe me. Gabe was feeling generous, so they opted to hear him out, even though they made their distrust plain in their expression, gaze still intense and searching. I just... I just want him to be okay, and watching him come home with people who don’t give a shit about him night after night, that’s... Okay, Gabe knew. They had tried to speak to Brendon about this in the past but was brushed off because Brendon didn’t care whether all of these brief hookups cared about him, because he didn’t particularly care about them. But Ryan- Ryan he’d trusted and hours later he’d felt like he was on the receiving end of a pretentious lecture on morals and safety. Not something he wanted from someone he planned on sleeping with anyway- and apparently he had been forgiving because it was still happening. And that irritated Gabe, because Ryan was a hypocrite, no matter how you looked at it.

I know he says he doesn’t need anyone, or whatever, it just seems like... such an empty life. Gabe stayed quiet for a second, before exhaling and leaning forwards. ”It’s not empty. He’s not empty. He doesn’t need you to psychoanalyse him. He’s not empty, he just fills his life with questionable things, but who am I to judge him? Who are you? It’s not our place. We can advice, but don’t- before you go around giving him life advice, regain his trust. He doesn’t trust you right now.” Why were they giving him advice? Gabe clenched their jaw. Coming Home with strangers every night, then waking up to an empty bed and resetting the cycle. And he deserves better. ”And are you better, Ryan?” Came the instant response, as Gabe raised an eyebrow. He talked all that talk, but what did Ryan really want? Was this for Brendon’s sake, or his? Gabe wanted to find out because it wasn’t clear yet.

I know, that's not necessarily me, just. I dunno, I'd even be happy to see him... find someone else, maybe. Anything's better than what he was doing. Okay, good, Gabe was impressed, but not entirely convinced. This guy clearly wasn’t a gold digger or anything like that, but his intentions were still vague and unclear. Gabe rested their chin in their hand for a moment, considering him, before sitting back again. ”So, Ryan- what do you want from Brendon? And don’t say nothing. You’re sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake.”

mildly inspiring end | b&r

Brendon was fully aware of the effect he had on Ryan, and being someone driven by any attention he was given, the reaction he got whenever he intended only provoked him into acting out more or working a little harder to charm his husband into doing what he wanted. It was, regrettably for Ryan, an astoundingly easy task; he knew the drill, he could win him over with minimum effort, through things as menial and simple as just catching his bottom lip between his teeth, sending a wink in his direction, running his hands through his own hair and pushing it out of his eyes, looking up at Ryan through his eyelashes, amongst a spread of other things. Like he said, Ryan was easy. Brendon was, too, but it was maybe a little less obvious- though in truth, Ryan had his entire heart in his hand, and Brendon was just as enamoured, just as weak, and even worse at suppressing it. So, together, there wasn’t an obviously constantly thirsty but vaguely irritated Ryan, and a similarly minded Brendon who, once past a certain point, was plain about his feelings. Subtlety was neither of their specialties.

Though he liked to think of himself as adaptable to change, what he suggested then was instantly regretted as he belatedly realised he was way too comfortable how they were to ever consider switching. Brendon was something of a cliche in that department, and therefore the target of gentle mockery by his husband. Who was supposed to love him, he reminded him every time, whining about the very valid teasing. To prevent any further comments (and just in case Ryan was seriously considering anything), Brendon wasted no time in kissing him until he needed air, which was conveniently when he had conjured from the back of his mind a story to tell, one from years ago about drunken misadventures he secretly kind of missed. There was a reason he told them- to reminisce, almost, and the memories were bittersweet. Usually, he would tell these to an amused Holden, but when he was feeling particularly irritating, Ryan was forced to listen.

Ryan didn’t seem impressed, but then, why would he? The lack of obvious reaction disappointed him, though, and he persisted in trying to get a rise out of him. Immediate regret kicked in when Ryan seemed to draw back, shrugging his hands off his shoulders. He was seconds away from sucking up and apologising, but apparently Ryan wasn’t done. Did? Sounds very romantic, baby, thank you for sharing. Brendon laughed, looking at Ryan admiringly, which was odd considering the nature of the situation. ”Well, making love isn’t exactly the term I was looking for.” He paused, considering what was too much. ”But you get the picture.” Brendon shifted to get a little more comfortable, trying not to grin, instead forcing himself to keep a straight face as he raised a suggestive eyebrow, persistently moving his hands back onto Ryan’s shoulders, still a little pissed that suddenly Ryan was stronger than him, something brought to mind when he ran his hands down his boyfriend’s arms and realised the difference only a couple of years had made.

It was weird- it felt only yesterday they’d reunited and Brendon had been somewhat stunned by how much weight he’d lost and how small he looked compared to Brendon- and then the fucker had to go and have a growth spurt and regain lost weight and then some, to the point where Ryan was now a little over two inches taller and Brendon could feel the muscle under his skin when he ran his hands down Ryan’s arms. He wasn’t about to complain. Yeah? If you keep telling me stories about you fucking other people, you might go back to that super fun lifestyle. Brendon laughed again because the prospect was impossible and ridiculous. ”In all fairness to me, it’s been, like, a week. I’m flesh and blood,” He reasoned, balancing that apparent fairness with evil as he drew a physical reaction from his boyfriend that was quite amusing. ”And you would never. Can you imagine?” Brendon couldn’t, or rather, he didn’t want to. They’d been apart much too long once in the past and they both knew it was not favourable.

Oh, fuck you. “If you want to, baby,” He quipped, laughing again. Ryan made it way too easy. You totally miss Josh and his friend. I love you. Affectionate, he moved a hand up to cradle Ryan’s jaw. ”I love you t-” Apparently Ryan already knew the rest, because he was being dragged quite forcefully into a kiss, one that he melted into, pulling him closer by wrapping his arms loosely around his neck and leaning forwards against Ryan’s chest. He pulled back reluctantly as Ryan turned his head and spoke off to the side. By the way, I would definitely win that competition, who can chug a beer the fastest. Ever seen a first time drinker? One drink goes so quick. That was fighting talk if Brendon ever saw it. ”Is that a challenge?” Probably not. Dropping his arms back to his sides, Brendon moved off to the side, shifting to sit cross-legged and reach for his phone again. More messages from Gabe. He grinned. ”Check your damn phone.”

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

Brendon was an affectionate person anyway, and in a very physical way, usually, but in this instance, his behaviour was somewhat unusual. He was normally a lot more assured, confident- with Ryan now, by the lake, overwhelmed by much more nostalgia than he thought he’d have, he was more gentle, almost hesitant. Their relationship was a dynamic one- Brendon generally commanded and demanded attention, while returning it generously, and the next moment it was all verbal, the two usually competent lyricists struggling to find words that fit eachother because in their eyes, there were no words that could describe how they felt. Ryan probably came the closest, the more literate and talented in that department out of the two of them; whereas Brendon preferred to communicate by action. That’s why they accelerated from serenity to intensity in very brief periods of time; not only did Brendon grow antsy fast, but he felt the need to show his affections in a less conventional way than just saying I love you.

Here, though, that wouldn’t be right- there was something very important that Brendon needed to ask that couldn’t be conveyed through anything physical. It was a question, dominating the forefront of his mind, and when he initially thought about even asking, he never anticipated it to be this nerveracking. Luckily, Ryan was obviously oblivious, so he could pretend everything was normal, that he was just feeling a little extra loving tonight due to the nostalgia and the memories, not like he intended to ask his boyfriend to marry him. God, he was nervous again. Anxious energy and pent-up excitement was welling inside of him- he felt like he was going to blurt it out with no warning, but also like he was going to back out at the last moment out of nerves and just cancel the whole idea, just brush it off and go back into the cabin and forget it ever happened. Both weren’t very favourable options, so he held his tongue, just smiled quite distantly as Ryan shrugged his shoulders.

You’re cute. Brendon just blinked, enamoured and too distracted to formulate sentences- he exhaled and lay down in the grass beside him, turning on his side to face his immensely chilled out boyfriend and wasting no time in tangling together with him, slotting his legs between Ryan’s. Maybe they could just nap out by the lake- he felt a sudden sense of drowsiness that came from the peaceful atmosphere, Ryan’s uncharacteristically ultra-serene current energy slowing his heart down just a little. At least he could now speak without the worry of blurting out a half-assed marriage proposal. ”You’re gorgeous,” Brendon replied, raising an eyebrow as if daring him to argue. His complimenting Ryan session never seemed to end, and the swell of love he felt inside his chest was clouding his coherent thought, to the point where his only functioning mental direction was propose to Ryan. Again, Brendon had to tell himself to calm the fuck down. I love you, too. Brendon knew that- but did Ryan really know how much he meant to him? Sometimes he was sort of awful at showing it- he knew he could be bratty and difficult and irritating and extra and way too much, and he loved Ryan with all of his heart, but those traits meant that sometimes it didn’t show through.

Since he had regained control over his voice, succeeding in steadying his tone and his head now clear and driven, he moved on. He wanted it to happen as soon as possible. He wanted to know what it was like to be somebody’s fiancé. He listened to the gentle lilt of Ryan’s warm laugh and moved briefly down to nestle his head in Ryan’s chest, closing his eyes to listen to his heartbeat. It must have been so strange to Ryan- Brendon wasn’t typically much of a cuddler, and yet out of nowhere he was being gentle and almost clingy. Ryan likely thought he had died and gone to heaven- that’s how Brendon intended to make him feel. Forever. There was a promise in that word, and Brendon silently returned it. I’ll be with you forever. ”I know,” He murmured softly, lifting his head again, moving back to his jaw and tangling his hand into Ryan’s hair gently. Brendon didn’t need to get married to have complete surety that they would be together for the rest of their lives. He just wanted to tie the hypothetical knot- for reasons he didn’t have to say, for reasons he was positive Ryan would understand.

Lips pressed against the skin of his neck and he let his eyes flutter closed, ready to relax until Ryan fell back comfortably into the plush carpet of grass. Ryan was grinning, chilled out, in obviously high spirits- he wasn’t going to get a better opportunity than this. Brendon bit his lip. Thought I was the writer. He really was. All of Brendon’s usual charm had drained away and he felt vulnerable, but in the best way- he was going to ask the man he loved more than anything to marry him, there was no better vulnerability than love. Brendon just shrugged in response, and fell back to where he had been lying beside him. Everything okay? Has coming back here made you softer? Ryan was laughing, Brendon felt a little faint. His nerves and his more gentle attitude was noticeable. Was that a good thing? He couldn’t think straight. Why was this so hard for him? Get it together, Brendon, he’s onviously going to say yes.

”Maybe,” Was all he managed, but he sat up, his hand reaching down automatically again into his pocket to check for for the fiftieth time that it was still there. ”I- I guess it recently hit me. Forever. It doesn’t scare me anymore.” His eyes were fixed on Ryan and he reached up to brush a hand through his own hair, trying to preoccupy his hands and stop himself fidgeting. ”It’s almost everything I could ever want.”