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Journey to the East

It seemed he had not seen or heard from her since the morning hours. Aimee had separated herself from them for an unknown reason, but she felt convicted in thinking the worst of her. She elected to hope for the best, as well as toward Noah's family.

"Oh, okay."

She too had little to say, not only because there were long expanses of time on travel where one didn't say anything to anyone, but also because of their recent fight had been fresh in her mind and she didn't know what she could talk about that wouldn't annoy him.

"I was thinking about walking ahead of the caravan and maybe doing some hunting in the direction we're heading. Do you think I'd run into anything by the river?"

It wasn't likely she would find anything close by. The wagons were quite loud and so any normal large sized animal would be far from them, but up ahead, she figured she might just run into something.

"Would that be something you feel up to, or do you want to stay here?"

It took a little motivation from her study of Yahal to motivate herself to invite him. Part of her just wanted to chance it and go ahead herself, but she knew it wasn't faithful to their marriage to treat him as such. She was seeking any way she could to repair their relationship, but she could feel how hurt it was. With his stubbornness and unwillingness to change, as well as hers, it was likely set for only pain ahead. Yahal's word gave those who don't worship him the right to leave the relationship of those who do, but for her, it was asked that she stay with him no matter what.

Journey to the East

The thought had crossed her mind that Aimee's own fights in the past with her lovers held a similar bite, but if that were the case, why would she not be more supportive to Elann who had remained quiet and loving during their argument instead of angry? Elann supposed it had to do with a little bit of pain in remembering, and thinking that Elann was wrong to a point. It likely didn't help that in their last fight, Aimee had supported Noah and essentially been shut out. She was far too hurt to want to hear that she was wrong. Even now, the thought of her coming back and agreeing with Noah would support Noah's thoughts that her family wouldn't readily accept her.

She knew his words weren't meant to hurt her, but they did create a doubt in her mind, and that doubt had been wreaking havoc since he had said it. Noah didn't care that words injured. He just cared if they were truthful. She couldn't relate to him how words could relate truth in a kind unabrasive way and it was why for the most part people treated him so oddly. Elann considered how exactly Liam had become a good friend to him, and likely figured both of their personalities just clicked, but didn't honestly know much about the man. Her thoughts were brief, dancing back to the fight that was starting to dull within her, though there now was a deep chasm where there once was surety. She wasn't sure they would make it even to the end of the trip, let alone when they got to a family who would possibly reject her.

Not very much was different about Noah, except he had been lingering near her more. She wondered if it was in response to her asking him to try to be more human-like, sort of a passive aggressive "here I am being human" stance, because she thought it strange that he didn't want to fly with Zulrav. He said he was just thinking, and she nodded silently, withdrawing her toes from him as he moved to stand and hide the orb.

She looked out the flap toward the rear of the caravan train as he put the gems away. The familiar clinking settled and her mind recalled the often soon to be closed chest lid, however it didn't come. Rotating her head back to him, he seemed to be looking inside. She knew her newly crafted garment was on top, but other than that, she wasn't sure what he was looking at. She figured he was just looking for something to do, so she lazily looked back out behind them.

She could feel the familiar bumps of the wagon as he came back to sit. Elann seemed to like him in shorts. She thought they were a nice compromise between him being his naked true self and what she wanted; a clothed husband that didn't draw eyes of disdain upon them. As he asked if she slept okay, he could tell she was still in that border between sleep and alertness, as she didn't even look at him. Her eyes were hazy and closed frequently as she took in a breath to answer.

"Mmm...yeah. My back hurts though from the wagon. I should have slept on the floor of it, not the bench. I was really tired though. I don't even remember falling asleep."

Calmly she slid her hands up to her stomach and then down her legs to her knees as she sat up more to look at him. Another deep breath came, bringing her closer to alertness. The air seemed to draw her more and more awake.

"Have you seen your sister?"

Her speaking Fravata only brought back to mind his phrase of anger he had spoken toward the situation the other day and she pushed it away.

Journey to the East

Zulrav to Elann almost seemed playful at times like Noah. His refusal to speak to his stormwarden about the gems showed as much. She wondered when he would figure them out, and how far he would have to go to figure them out.

Elann couldn't spot Aimee from where she was, and in her sleepy weakness, she didn't feel she could hold the flap open much longer. Instead she tied it up so she didn't have to and rest on the backguard of the wagon with a hand. She rubbed her face slightly and looked over to her husband. He seemed so distant. She knew it was probably all in her head, but she didn't like it. Her feet snaked his way along the floor and she pressed her toes to his. As normal, they were cold.

"You should go," she said, as if reading his mind. She nodded to the wind and nature. "Spend some time with Zulrav, maybe he is not telling you because he wants you to draw near to him? It could be he just wants you to figure them out, but maybe just spending some time in his presence will reveal something to you."

Elann could better feel the breeze of Zulrav now that she had opened her flap, and in the meadow, the warm breeze blew little bits of warm air into the wagon. She didn't know what time it was, but it was late enough to be significantly hotter than that morning. Elann took a moment to appreciate Zulrav's warm air and then if Noah had nothing else to say, she would begin her prayers to Yahal.

Journey to the East

"Stormgems," she repeated back to him a couple of times, working with the word until she got his particular twang down on the word. Her failure to match due to her Benshira accent made her smiled slightly. Eventually she got the unique word and tried to remember it, though she had just woken up.

He was looking directly at her, holding the stormgem and asked if she wanted him to close up the flap.

"No, it's okay. I feel like I've been sleeping for days anyway."

She reached down to grab the brush that had been left on the floor and brushed the wild loose curls that danced about with the shaking wagon. A chime or more passed before she was finished and she had kept her eyes closed the whole time, as though sleeping while brushing her hair. Elann never was quick to wake up unless she had to.

Shortly after finishing, she moved to be on his side of the wagon instead of in the dark up front, but sat on the other half to lift up the other side of the flap. There she looked out and not too far behind she could see the next wagon and the driver. She gave him a little wave and he waved back before she seemed to ignore his presence and look to the forest and for Aimee.

Sleepily a moment later, she looked to him and leaned back into the canvas.

"Did you figure anything else out about them?"

Journey to the East

Likewise, the warmth of Noah's body did little to bring the cold out of her heart. While it warmed her skin, that was all it did. She likewise didn't act like it though, and enjoyed the rest of the walk with him. Aimee was silent the first evening and night, and her usually trips out of their tent would find her not present. She would go through the normal acts of attention to her husband, kissing him goodnight with genuine love, but she could hardly feel his own soar in great heights. She would lay in silence through the night as normal and when awaking the next morning, would make him breakfast and kiss him as normal.

It was easy for her to forgive him in words, but hard to do so in her heart, and it wasn't until the morning of the second day did she begin to feel love for him in the similar grand heights she normally did. She took mostly to silence, sensing in his minor actions and ways that he would like to be left that way. She too preferred the peace of silence between them, as it seemed that each of them when they talked, would fight. It didn't stop her from begging for small kisses and attention before leaving him in the wagon to walk, but by the second day, she began to feel a little lonely. Most of it was on part of his sister.

Elann knew that when Aimee had a problem with Noah, she'd slap him or yell at him, but when she seemed to agree with Noah, she didn't want to approach Elann. It made her feel like Aimee was against her, which was probably true. Whatever the reason, Elann let her have her distance, but felt badly about it. It felt bad to feel like she avoided her, that Isabella had gone, that ahead of her was a family who would not likely accept her, and a husband that had seemed almost to detach from her compared to the one who would follow her incessantly with buggy eyes. Now they seemed present, but dim.

Still, it didn't bother her too greatly and she kept to herself until that night and he wouldn't likely feel anything until that point. When Aimee wasn't there again, she knew for certain she was avoiding them, or her more specifically. She quieted the worry for Noah's sake and because the feeling would likely cause fights between them, and until the third day, she would mostly be sleeping apart from setting up and tearing down the tent. It was the light from the flap that woke her, finding herself on the seat, bumping lightly back and forth as they rode along. Aimee once again was gone, and Elann sat up and rubbed her eyes. She looked down toward the floor in silence as she woke up.

"Hello," she said to her husband quietly and squinted an eye in his direction. She could see the gems on the ground. "Working on the storm gems?"

Journey to the East

"Okay."

Noah had bottled up his pain, but Elann was none the wiser. He looked to her in all honesty and affirmed he just didn't want to fight anymore. Her eyes had never seen him lie, and she trusted his words completely, so he escaped with it. As he apologized to her, affirming his love for her, she couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. Licking her lips, she came closer to him and wrapped up into his arms.

"I love you too," she stated with grace and love toward him. Her eyes closed as the warm breeze blew on them. It had been warmed by the sun and despite her feelings of cold when the wind blew, this time she was warmed by it. Intense feelings of thankfulness filled her heart toward Zulrav at it as she had been freezing, particularly because she was alone. All the more, as she began to steal heat from her husband, she began to feel comfortable.

"Noah, thank you for staying with me."

Her hands gave him a little squeeze. He had felt her weak hugs, and he could tell that she likely squeezed him with all her might at that moment, yet it was still hardly anything compared to what he could do to her.

She would walk with him, warmed by the sun and the winds. Despite her pain and emotions she had felt during the conversation, she had remained faithful to him, had not been harsh in their vows, and she pleased Yahal by being true to her promises. It was a hurdle, and it was a wonder in the depths of her subconscious mind if she was with Noah to test her resolve in being faithful and pure. Regardless, Elann walked with him in relative silence, letting his eyes guide them as they walked. Hers shut and she rested in his presence.

The show was over, and the people behind them likely would be talking about it for a little while, given there was nothing else to do, and Elann would walk for a good four or five hours. It was clear that the woman had an ability to cross huge expanses of distance without tiring, and she likely would have continued regardless of where he would end up.

Journey to the East

In reality, Elann had spoken as she felt. She thought his words were about hitting her. He had said that he hadn't yelled at her, that he hadn't intentionally hurt her; hurt being the word that to her had been interpreted in that moment as not hitting her. It was in no relation to what she thought of him. She didn't think that he would ever hit her, nor did she think that he had even thought of it and she was expressing her thankfulness for it. It was simply what she thought he had meant. His face, his quieting, had happened at that point. As his bond dulled, she blinked and looked up to him at his words.

There was no love flowing in his apology. If anything it was a tiny trickle. While her bond strongly flowed with love for him and trying to understand, she had been hurt so badly that she just wanted to end it along with him at his wish. It took all of her faith in Yahal to trust in their bond and their marriage to ask him to go further.

"Something...something is still wrong...was it something I said?" she asked with pleading voice. For the first time in a while, she set her brilliant eyes upon him. Her tears had stopped after her apology and she wiped them away to better see his face.

Journey to the East

Elann looked down at their hands as he pulled his from hers. She felt hurt by the action, but understood that he had gears turning in his head in regards to all she had said.

"Okay, you've made your points very clear," she said softly. He could feel love in their bond, as well as compassion, but also sadness and loneliness. His extreme signs of anger had closed her up and she continued to pour tears down her cheeks. Noah had confused how he felt with what was on his heart. Elann wouldn't tell him everything she felt because it wasn't what was on her heart. It was times like these she was glad for that because he was acting like someone she didn't even want to know and she didn't want to crush him by telling him as such. It hurt, but it wasn't how she felt about him in her heart. Love was on her heart, he could feel it through their bond even at points in his rebuttal that she wanted to slap him in anger. Ultimately, she knew she couldn't stay quiet, she had to be the responsible one and fix it even though his anger would likely only tear her down further.

"You say for me to stop asking you to lie to me. Okay. I won't. I will trust that there is love behind your words, even though I don't feel it through our bond in these times. I will trust that your love is in your mind, that you are telling me things through a love for me despite the feelings I feel of anger, frustration, or annoyance."

"I am thankful that you haven't hit me," she said, as he was currently in the process of yelling at her, "I won't use your family as an example, because you're right. I do hardly know them. I'm sure they don't want to be human all the time, but in fairness, that wasn't my point. I never said that they nor you need to be human all the time. In fact, I encouraged both parts of you. I know you don't believe me when I say that I love the eagle side of you, but you are wrong. Me knowing you as a human, while you seem human in appearance, you've always acted much like an eagle. I have grown in the past year not only falling in love with the man you are, but with that eagle side. So when I've seen you while we were hunting, and you changed into that eagle, I did have love for that side. I adore your presence in the sky, your might as you tear into something. It reminds me of how you tear into the food I make you," she conceded a small laugh, though it was clear she was still pained and crying. "You may not understand my love for that part of you, but you have to listen to me. I am being honest with what is in my heart, and that is great love for your true side."

"I have thought, since knowing you were Kelvic, that there were two sides of you. But you say that there is a true side, and a false side of you. I understand I'm asking you to lean more into learning that false side and you don't like it. You aren't going to sugar coat that it is stupid, but you are going to try, because that makes me feel good. I appreciate that of you. It's hard to press and do something you don't want to do."

"You say that you didn't call me impatient. That's fine and true, you didn't utter those specific words. Maybe I did misunderstand when you said that it had only been a year in correlation to how much I was pushing you to change. I am sure you did want consideration for how much you changed. I'm sorry. I do recognize how much you have and like I said, I love it. I'm appreciative for every ounce you care to give me. I do love you as you are right now or I wouldn't have married you. Just as I want to better myself in your eyes by being more closer to your true self, I do however have a desire to grow more in love with you by you becoming like my true self. I think that's what people do when they love each other. They grow closer to one another until they are some like-minded person, much like Lanna and your mother were. I want that for us so badly I dream about it all the time."

"I admit, I can be annoying, confusing, and frustrating sometimes to you, and I never had in mind that you thought that of me all the time. I understand your point that everyone can frustrate, annoy, and confuse, nor am I saying that I have never felt frustration. You know I have, you've felt it in me before. Like I said, I felt you were titling me as being those things right now as an insult, because I could feel those emotions within you right then. When anyone else calls me annoying and I can tell they are feeling it inside of themselves and hear it on the words they tell me - such as when you said how little you liked our conversation - then naturally I will feel insulted. With you, I know in my mind that you aren't insulting me, that you are just trying to speak what is on your mind, but in my heart, it still hurts. It can be hard sometimes for the two to work together because I have an entire life around me that acts differently from you." She still just couldn't believe how much difference there was between Aimee and Noah in understanding this. "I'm sorry for my failure in doing this."

"I accept your apology that it wasn't your intention to hurt me. My opinion on my words differs from yours and it is what it is. I feel that I am responsible for my words within reason. As I speak harshly to someone, I expect that person to feel assaulted by my words. I am responsible for that assault on their person. I speak kindly, yet honestly, because I don't want to be responsible for making you or anyone else feel bad unnessesarily. Right now you feel stressed and angry at my words, despite my doing everything I can to stop you from feeling that way. I am not saying that in my opinion I should feel responsible for that that I could control what you feel. If I however intentionally spoke harshly with you and you then felt bad, yes, I would feel bad because I made you feel that way. It is how most people I know work, and I won't change that. I will however try to understand how you work and though it's out of what I know as normal, I want you to understand that I do understand why you say what you say and regardless of how I feel toward it, I do know you don't intend me harm."

"I also don't expect your family to all love me. I understand that. My problem was with the timing of which you said it. I had my reasons for feeling that way, but once again...it was a disconnect from how my mind and heart are working with your words. I have never intended to hurt you, and if my words have, I apologize...sincerely. I love you. I don't think it's ridiculous to never seek to hurt the one you love and I haven't ever intentionally spoken to hurt you."

Recalling what he said, and the hurtful way he said it, she felt like she was arguing with a ten year old, which was probably more accurate than she realized. It was a hard lump to swallow and she just continued with her apology.

"You are also right, we did promise, and I will honor that promise, to tell you what is on my heart, just as I did here. I expect you to get frustrated, annoyed, and confused at the subject I brought up. It wasn't an easy subject, which you voiced clearly that you didn't like it. I am sorry for not listening to you, for failing to hear and only hearing what sounded bad in what you said. It's all my fault."

Just because she had apologized didn't mean she didn't still feel the hurt from his anger, from his emotions sent through the bond every time they fought. She had sincerely tried to repair their relationship, to repair the conversation, and if he sought to continue in his anger, she likely couldn't continue with him she thought, yet tried desperately to ignore such feelings and thoughts. His continued anger would scar her deeply; that she knew for a fact.

Journey to the East

Elann could feel the eyes of the driver behind them staring, particularly since there was nothing more entertaining than watching two people fight. She doubted they were the only eyes and ears on them. She was sure that Aimee was even hearing everything inside the wagon.

Regardless of what he had thought, she did not take him outside the wagon to corner him in the conversation. It was something readily on her heart, and she felt as if betraying him by keeping it there locked away. He started by saying that it didn't mean he didn't love her and the statement caused her to look down and forward. She knew it didn't. Although it didn't mean it didn't hurt her. In her mind, it was related to love. He essentially flat out refused to hear her plea that he speak kinder in love to her and she didn't know how to take it.

Elann began to feel like an abused dog. She would plead with him to love her during such fights, but instead he would rebuke her. He stated that he only thought of her as annoying, confusing, and frustrating part of the time; as if that would make her feel better; did he not hear that she had said that every word 'might' make her feel that way. She had never said that she felt like she would assume that all the time. It caused her to look away in pain as he stressed as such to her, despite the quiet way he did it. A sniffle could be heard from her and that same flare seemed to come every time he spoke the words that followed it. It was very clear that he had wounded her, even if he tried to help her understand.

As he essentially stated that her problem was the content of his words, but it wasn't true. She didn't care if he disagreed with her at all. She figured he would, but it was the origin of intent behind said words. His refusal to use 'soft' words as he had put it. In her mind, there was a such thing as civility and an ability to drive home your points in the same honesty he desired without making the other person feel assaulted. It was hard on her, very hard, and very hurtful to feel the brunt of them. What made it worse was his half apologies, stating he was sorry for her pain, but he was going to cause it anyway. Elann held herself about the waist. She debated for a short moment on whether or not to even talk to him anymore, to see if she could take any more pain from him and she wiped her eyes as she looked up at the flap covering the back of the wagon.

"I opened my heart to you, saying how estranged I felt because of my lack of knowing you better, because I felt you were focusing a lot of your attention on being animalistic instead of human. You could have opened your heart in love and told me how you wished I wouldn't feel such a way. You could have told me how you love me, you understand how I feel, and how you desire to work on this until I am happy in mutual understanding of why I feel that way. As bondmates we could have felt love for each other and grown in respect for each others opinions, even if we disagreed. What went wrong? Instead of feeling compassion for me and love, you showed your disdain for my opinion. You told me how you felt confined in Syliras, that the people there didn't understand you, that your family made you feel free...but then you said that you didn't want to say my worry was dumb, but that you didn't know how to feel about it. Why did you have to say that? Couldn't we have continued in a civil, kind, and honest conversation? So naturally, right away, I felt like you didn't like what I was saying. Passing it, I treated you with love and a kiss. I showed how you had greatly changed and how proud I was at that, encouraging you through my words to continue in your change to human-like ways. I spoke of how your sister and mother seemed to be very human-like in hopes that you could see how good it is to continue to be human-like, to the point where when I'm talking and laughing with them, I can't tell they are Kelvic at all, which with you I could...even though I didn't know what a Kelvic was. Fearing you would feel that I was just pushing you to be like me, I showed that I didn't just want you to be only human-like, but that I did in fact lovingly encourage you to be that brilliant eagle you are as well. I expressed in a loving way that I don't want you to think I am caging you in this relationship, that I do want you to be free, but I want you to try to be free as a human just as much as with the eagle part of you. You know what you said? Both are not free...the human side has rules, that it's stupid to even try because you shouldn't have to bother being nice when someone is offending you, and you know what...I agreed, even if it was said in such a way that if I was opposed to it it would have felt offensive. I think you don't have to bother being nice to someone if they are mean to you- 'to grin and bear it' as you put it. You then stated how you kind of aren't giving up being human and that was sweet of you to say, because you listened to me and considered what I had to say. You understood how I felt, and because of that, you weren't going to give up on it. That made me happy. You said some great things about your family and I was happy listening to you, but then you know what you said? That you doubted my love for the eagle side of you and that you really did not like the conversation we were having, and that I was being impatient to your change...stating that a year has only passed. Your body language and your words grew cold, and showed how frustrated you were with me. So conceding, I said that I knew how you were feeling. I expressed how I didn't ever say I wanted you to change overnight. I expressed how in my original feelings I was just trying to tell you what was on my heart, to tell you how I felt, that I liked you trying to be human, even if you think it's stupid at times. You know what I felt then? That you were annoyed with me!" she exclaimed quietly. "I ignored it, and the painful words of you saying that you disliked our talking about the issues in my heart. You had said that you wanted me to enjoy being out there with your family and I said that I do, that I love it all, which is true. I said as much also to help heal our conversation, to make you feel closer in love instead of that feeling of annoyance and your forward gaze away from me. I asked if we could work together on understanding your world and asked if you would be patient with me, and you know what I felt in response? Frustration from you. Not love, not compassion. It hurt, but I expressed then how I felt estranged by your behavior in rejecting humanity, and how I wanted to make sure I didn't make you feel that I was your cage, like Syliras. By that point, already my heart was hurt by your honesty of our conversation and how much you didn't like it. Already I could feel your frustration and annoyance growing as every word was said, so when you said that I wasn't a cage, that I was just sometimes frustrating, very, very confusing, and kind of annoying, that that was extremely hurtful to me. It felt like you were saying that right now I was being that, and clearly other times as well. How am I not supposed to be hurt by that? How am I to know or not to know when I'm annoying you? I wasn't even trying to. I was being loving!" She exclaimed quietly once more. "That wasn't all though, you then told me how unsure you are that your family is even going to like me...so ...I just felt ...crushed!" she said, taking his hand in hers and looking to him. "I know you love me Noah, but it hurts so bad to hear the way you speak to me at times and what's worse, how to feel toward me when I speak to you about the problems I have in my heart. It makes me not want to! You shouldn't talk to me like that. You should never hurt me in any way, whether you mean to or not."

Journey to the East

Elann was halted in her slow attempt to leave. The light tug on her garment was enough to stop her lateral movement toward the wagon as the two of them walked with the caravan. She turned to face him, walking sideways as she brushed her hair away from tear soaked cheeks. The brilliant eyes of hers trailed up to him to see what he had to say and she could feel that within him guilt had sprung up. It meant his apology was sincere.

"I know," she said sadly and turned to walk next to him so as not to obstruct the next wagon in line by her stopping. She was aware of his blunt attitude when speaking as well as his innocence. If it wasn't for those two traits, Yahal likely would have cursed him for his treatment of her, but as it was, it was not malicious, nor did Elann want Yahal to curse her husband. "To me, it's not stupid to treat you with kindness and love despite my disagreements sometimes with you. To me I don't demolish your points and make you feel horrible by stating what is wrong with you. I remember doing that that day in the Stallion and you didn't like it. I drove you to tears. I just wish sometimes you would do the same for me. What you said really hurt, even if it was what was in your heart. I know better than to think that you think I'm annoying, frustrating, and confusing, but now I feel like every word I say might make you feel that way...and I don't want to feel like that."

The confrontation of her feelings made the tears begin to return, and knowing his dislike for them, she looked away to the forest and tried to restrain them. The tears continued despite her fighting, and they cascaded down onto her dress as she looked toward the ground away from him. He thought it was moronic to be courteous and to coat his words to make others feel better, but this was the outcome of that- the result, and even if they made up after this, until she saw significant improvement in him, she would likely never bring another problem up to him ever again.