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Journey to the East

Her husband obviously had a lot of feeling and thoughts, confusions, but if he had listened to her, he would have asked for clarification. Instead he ended their conversation with the familiar question that had begun to plague her thoughts since they started talking. Were they done? It was hard to not take offense to him saying that she would do whatever and that he didn't care. It was just another layer of verbal abuse to her, whether intentional or not, there was only so much she could take. She shrugged in response, not allowing herself to feel any such emotion, yet.

"I'm cold. I'm going back to the fire."

She slowly stood, waiting for him should he want to come and then would head that way. Once again, their evening was ruined, and in her opinion, largely by him. She slowly walked along among the trees in short distance until she got to the fire, where she stood slowly turning to warm her back and front.

Journey to the East

"Yeah, sad. At least that's what I want to feel when I hear that, but do you sense sadness in me?"

He wouldn't, there would be little emotion from her at the moment as she was seeking to get to the bottom of things.

"I feel like you don't listen to me. That you pick apart my words and deflect blame on me, that no matter what I say, if you don't understand it, you feel the need to argue and sort of fight with me over things, when we can just discuss them peacefully. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I've apologized in the past for not listening to you, but I feel the same way when it comes to you, like you don't listen to me and I'm constantly to blame for everything. Noah, I was just sitting here having a simple discussion with you and expressing how I would enjoy you worshiping my god, and despite me telling you over and over, repeatedly that you didn't have to, you chose to take what I said as that you had to. Why?"

Journey to the East

He told her not to apologize, that it was fine and she nodded, "Okay."

As he had nothing further to say to her, no further rebuke, she thought for a moment on what he said, repeating over and over in her mind that he didn't say what he said to be offensive, but just to express how he felt. It was so offensive to her though and it was a hard challenge.

"When you say that it is not a choice to be hurt or not...I don't feel that's true. When someone loves someone else, it takes a lot more than what I did, saying my words calmly and softly to you to express a will to hurt someone, especially a loved one. I didn't do that, and I don't think its fair to compare how I softly spoke to you, and how you've bluntly spoken to me with irritation in our bond and even anger when we've argued before. Whenever I was hurt, that was the case, and it wasn't your words that hurt me, but how you said them and what you felt inside. Tonight, I have had no anger toward you in my explaining Yahal; no saying to you that 'explaining Yahal to you is impossible so I'm not going to bother' like you've said similarly to me. How do you think that makes me feel to hear that my husband thinks that arguing with me is impossible and that you refuse to discuss anything with me that you don't understand?"

Journey to the East

Elann folded her hands over her lap as he began to speak. He once again took what she said as some sort of attack instead of a clarification to alleviate his confusion on the matter. As he continued on, she grew increasingly uncomfortable by his words. If he could have read her thoughts, he wouldn't have liked them, but as it was, he couldn't. All he would know is that as he spoke to her about things she didn't know, about his sister and nature, she took offense. Still, she calmed herself and listened more to what he said as he pleaded with her to find out why she could take offense of his words but not him when they are misunderstood. He appealed to his confusion in the matter; the same confusion she was trying to alleviate for him.

His words stung her, that arguing with her was impossible, that he refused to discuss things with her that he didn't understand, and especially that he didn't like to hear her speaking on things he thought she didn't understand - to which she would disagree. In Elann's mind, he had broken their contract with that statement and she silently muttered toward the ground.

"Well I'm sorry if my words were confusing. I know it's a hard topic. That's why I'm trying to explain it to you..."

That was all she could say in response to him. She pressed her lips together as well as her hands to wait to hear if he had anything more to say to her.

Journey to the East

She let him finish his apology, shaking her head at his misunderstanding, not in a judgmental way, but in a way she wished he thought better of her. His ideas were counter to the whole point she was trying to make to him. Calmly she tried to explain, doing away with her temporary annoyance toward the situation and his ease at getting hurt by her words.

"See, that's what I'm talking about. You got confused on what I was saying and instead of asking me for clarification, you got hurt. Does it make sense that I said one thing and then seemed to counter it with something else? Of course not. So then you ask me what I mean, right? You don't become stressed and hurt and think I'm hurting you with my words. What you assumed I meant is not what I meant at all. Over and over I said you don't have to follow him, don't have to believe in him, so why when I said that because I'm going to follow Yahal and talk about him openly to you, and that I would rather you love the part of me talking about Yahal rather than dislike it, did you take it as you -have- to love him or not? That's not what I was saying at all, love. To say again, I am going to openly talk about Yahal, and you can dislike that fact about me because you don't feel he has a place in nature and your life, or you can love that fact about me because when I speak of him, you remember he protects and comforts me, and is something I enjoy. Yes, I would rather you love that part of me that speaks about him, the part that worships Yahal, whether you believe in his qualities and stances or not, but even if you don't...what I'm saying is that if you decide to dislike when I speak of Yahal because you think...well...whatever you think, then that is your choice. What I'm expressing to you is that it's not going to make me love you -any- less. I don't think you're marred or any such thing because of it. Does that clarify things a bit?"

She didn't dare touch him until he was ready to look at her, but did appreciate his coming back to the boulder.

Journey to the East

He wanted to get offended and ended up feeling hurt, turning away from her, and plopping down into the sand like a child. She watched him in disbelief as his stress and hurt came through the bond.

"You're not listening to me. I want you to love him, as it is my personal preference darling, but you don't have to. You don't have to," she reiterated calmly. "I'm not forcing you. I'm not going to love you less. I don't think you're marred. I don't dislike or hate this part of you, or any other thoughts you must be thinking right now to feel hurt. Right now, you've turned away from me, and are feeling emotions of hurt, stress and who knows what else, and they are not my doing. I'm not hurting you nor trying to offend you. I am just simply trying to explain things. Stop acting like I am some vicious lady injuring you. It hurts my feelings. I'm just having a simple conversation with you. It's not an attack on your character. Can't we have a conversation in peace?"

She was feeling annoyance in part toward him and pain for his reaction to her words, and while she was calm, she didn't like how he would just shut her out like he was doing now, and how he did earlier that evening.

Journey to the East

"I know you don't," she answered him, showing that she did in fact know and yet she didn't seem offended or bothered by it. "I understand that to nature, Yahal and his stances seem like they don't have a place in the wilds, but they do. You are faithful to your breed, your pack, your drive. Nothing in nature really thinks evil and therefore are pure. When you kill the squirrel, it's not out of a desire to evily destroy him, it is because of food or territory, or out of survival. Purity and faithfulness are everywhere, just as Syna's rays cover all the earth whether we want them to or not, and they have their own place. I don't care for Syna or all the aspects of her character, but she does influence my life because every day her rays touch my skin, and every day, you experience faithfulness and purity in the same way. Whether you care about it or not, it doesn't mean he has no place out in the world or in the kelvic culture. Every kelvic is different right? Just like people? Look at your sister. She believes in gods. She might not follow them as closely as I follow Yahal, but they do have a place in her life."

"You are free to not care for him or his domain and I hope you don't feel like I have ever forced you to have a relationship with him, because I haven't intended that. I've always just made mention of him and the good that I see him doing in our life and in my eyes. You can accept that or not, but that is a part of me. That's an aspect of me you can love or hate, but I'd rather you love me for it, and love Yahal because he protects and comforts me, your wife and bondmate. If not for his qualities, at least for that. But that's your choice."

She looked down and away toward the lapping water at the edge of the river.

Journey to the East

"Hmm, I'm sure I misrepresent Zulrav a bit, but I hope that doesn't make you angry with me. If I say something about him, it's because I feel like I have gained that understanding of him and am seeing if I'm right, more than declaring that I am. I don't find it offensive at all when people speak of Yahal. One could even be opposed to him and I won't take offense. I just have found that he loves and cares for me and all who follow him, and I wish that more people knew that about him. We all could use more love in our life and a caring and watching presence who battles evil for us, I feel anyways. If it wasn't for him and his faithfulness, I would be bear food. That to me is an endearing quality of him, but why don't you tell me what you don't agree with?"

Her smile was there with concern in her eyes. He was busy warily looking toward her as if she was going to snap at him at any moment and her look was designed to show that that wasn't possible. She loved and cared for him, and what he thought would be a shocker to her, was already known. She knew he didn't pander to people or Gods; hers included. It was clear to her that her words of Yahal were making him feel like the God was all influencing and overwhelmingly invading their life, but it was all because he didn't understand his wife and how she spoke of him. Her clarification though previously hopefully helped that viewpoint.

Journey to the East

Elann didn't consider her husband negative. She knew he was pure of heart and just simply fishing for answers, but his questions were negative. He could have asked what Yahal thought of him or what she thought of him, but instead he asked if Yahal thought of him impure and she, that if she thought him marred. They had a depressive air about them even though she got no such emotion from him.

His apology made her shake her head.

"You didn't do or say anything wrong...I'm not offended," she simply said with a slight smile in answer to his option to talk about something else. "We are just sitting here lightly talking about Yahal and my beliefs. Why do you feel you need to apologize or that I'm offended? Why don't you tell me what you are thinking? What is on your mind?"

Journey to the East

Noah certainly was showing signs of a negative view of not only Yahal, but of her. She tried to have patience with him and just nodded.

"Pure...clean, innocent in some cases, without evil. I don't think I've ever thought of you as being marred. Look, none of us are perfectly pure, but I think those who are marred or cursed are those who actively seek impurity. You don't do that."

She wondered what he would say to that, if he would dislike her answer for some strange reason or if it would finally clarify things for him and make him stop worrying. All of his questions were very pointed, as if rehearsed in his mind over and over, yet never asked. All of it was coming out on what she had hoped would be a romantic place for them to be alone with each other.