True Self — Roleplayer Guild

"What?" Josef said, feeling like he had just gotten the wind knocked out of him by surprise. Joan looked up at him from beneath her brows as if she expected him to beat her to a pulp. Afterall, she was only Joseph's adopted sister and Laina was his real BLOOD sister. She had lived with Josef's family for all of her life, but that didn't change the fact that they weren't biologically related."Was it an accident?" He asked quickly as the rush of emotions began to roll in. He watched as she shrugged her shoulders and shook her head as if to say 'I dunno'. "How can you NOT know?" Josef was beginning to lose his cool and he expected Joan to give him an answer fast.

"I don't KNOW." Joan replied loudly. She didn't care that the conversation was suppose to be private at this point. Her anger towards herself was so extreme that she didn't care if anyone else heard. She gripped her fists so tightly that she could feel her fingernails digging into her palms. "Laina and I never really knew each other. She never would spend time to get to know me or even acknowledge me. She wasn't ever around when I grew up and she always felt like a stranger to me. During the time that it happened I was so pissed at her for putting a bullet in Mom. Her mom that I cared for as if she was my OWN mother. After that, during the time when I killed her, it WAS an accident, but I can't lie and say I didn't care if she died at the time. Not because I wished death upon her, I don't think, but because she made me so mad." She paused after thinking over what she just said and then spoke again, "I pulled the trigger so easily, and it makes me feel like I wanted to kill her." Joan stopped talking after that and waited for Josef's response. Josef just sat there and it was clearly evident that he was remaining calm after all that she had said. "Are you going to say or do anything? I MURDERED your sister!" She shouted, but not loudly enough for the whole house to hear. It was as if she was actually provoking him to beat her up or even kill her.

Josef put his hand up as if to quiet her and said quickly "Keep your voice down. I'm not going to do anything to hurt you, but Nathan might." He shook his head to try and shake away the mixed feelings he was experiencing, but he kept his composure. It had already been a good month since Laina died, so the hard part of the grieving was mostly out of the way. "Laina shot Mom on accident, because she thought she was a random walker. She didn't even know it was her until after she did it. Laina loved our mom just as much as you and I. The walkers took mom's life, not Laina." His voice choked as he said this and he couldn't help but let a few tears slip. "The ease of you shooting her could've been your instinctual reaction of desperation and the fear you were experiencing when it happened." He stated and then continued, "You being mad at Laina around the time that you accidentally killed her has nothing to do with you being a killer, unless your anger towards her was the REASON that you killed her."

"I dunno if it had anything to do with it or not." Joan said now choking up as well. She would've guessed her hands were bleeding by now as hard as she was squeezing them now. She never showed her emotions in front of others and it made her uncomfortable that she was allowing Josef to hear the hurt in her voice. "I feel like a Psychopath or some shit." Josef caught a glimpse of a dark red mark on the sides of Joan's wrists and stood up to lift her sleeve. At least a dozen of red, horizontal scars ran up her arm and she jerked her arm away to hide them again. She just glared down at her feet and felt so confused as to why he wouldn't strike her.

"I don't want to know how or why you had to do what you did. All I know is that it's in the past, and you are hurting now because of it. That tells me that you CARE." Josef stated. "I FORGIVE you Joan.. but you have to forgive yourself. Stop letting your emotions confuse you." He said lastly. He put his arm around her and led her out of the room to join the others downstairs.

Interaction post [+]

On the way downstairs, all Josef could think about were the scars on the sides of Joan's arms. He had to keep a close eye on her from now on, because of her self harm and she could even be suicidal. He wasn't sure if she genuinely wanted to end her own life or if the cuts were just a reminder that she was mad at herself. He couldn't imagine what Joan was going through and he imagined he might be dealing with it the same way if he would've killed someone. Especially if it was someone who he cared about or if it affected those that he cared about. There is one thing he knew, and that is he'd have a talk with her about it later. He didn't want to hold the others up from eating breakfast or else one of them would've came up to check on them and could've accidentally heard something they shouldn't have. Just as they got downstairs, Isabella, her mother - Gabrielle, the twins, and Nathan were at the kitchen table eating fluffy, yellow eggs and fresh tomato slices. The eggs came from the chickens that Gabrielle raised in the chicken coop out back that they cooked on a camp stove, and the tomatoes were from their garden. All of the animals didn't seem to be affected by the outbreak, but a lot of the domesticated ones were eaten off by the walkers whenever they couldn't find a human close by. Josef waited for Joan to sit down before he would sit down himself, and he was surprised how well she concealed the hurt expression that she wore whenever they had their private conversation. He himself could not hide his slightly swollen eyes from where he had been crying earlier, and he felt vulnerable whenever Nathan eyed him when he finally sat down.

"Nice to see you two are still kicking." Nathan joked and ate a tomato slice with his bare hands. Isabella let out a cute laugh just as she always did after Nathan said something it seemed, even it wasn't the funniest thing at all. Josef could tell she liked Nathan by the way she couldn't help but giggle like a little school girl every time he spoke. Isabella was in her late twenties and she had long black hair that she usually kept in a long pony tail, tied with a red ribbon. She corrected one of her twin brothers by showing him how to pick up the eggs that he couldn't quite get on his fork and then smiled back at Nathan who didn't seem to notice. The twins were seven years old; both with dark hair, black eyes, and a small pinpoint mole that was on the surface on the side of each of their noses. The only way you could tell them apart was that the mole was on opposite sides of their noses -- other then that they looked exactly the same. The one having fork problems was Anton and his brother who was playing with his eggs was Emilio. "Gabrielle fixed you both a plate. The eggs are pretty damn good." Nathan said, completely oblivious that he had cussed so carelessly. Gabrielle didn't seem to mind and she smiled warmly at Joan and Josef, but didn't say anything because for one she didn't know english. Any time the older fifty year old lady wanted to say something, her daughter Isabella would translate the message to everyone. Gabrielle's hair had grey streaks, but her hair was surprisingly youthful just like her face mostly was. "So, who's joining me on a raid this morning?" Nathan asked with a crooked smile. He downed a jar of apple cider that Gabrielle had kept frozen in their natural freezer near the mountains.

"J and I will go out this time while you stay and watch the family. She had to stay last time." Josef said. He mainly wanted Joan with him, so that he could watch her at all times.

"Then me and J can go." Nathan said a bit annoyed. He hated to baby sit, and he didn't plan to today.

"NO." Josef with a bit of anger in his voice. His tone caused Isabella and Gabrielle to shift in their seats a bit uneasily. Josef reclaimed his composure and continued, "I know a place where I'm for certain we can stock up on weapons. I'm the only one who knows where it's at and I'd rather go there myself." It was the only thing he could think of to say.

Nathan could tell even more now that something was up with Josef. He decided to let Josef do what he wanted, because he knew something had to be troubling him. "Alright, but don't take forever then. Get me a few packs of cigarettes on the way back."

....

Josef and Joan arrived on the outskirts of Denver after leaving the small lake house. They had walked fourty five minutes by foot, because taking the families scratched up Cadillac all the way wouldn't have been very stealthy. Something was different tho when they observed the city. Last time there were dozens of military jeeps and even tanks patrolling the streets, but now there were only a few jeeps and some soldiers walking about. The soldiers were dragging dead bodies to a pile on the side of the street and pouring gasoline upon the pile to burn them. One of the soldiers walked up with a flamethrower and torched the big pile of bodies. There was even screams of agony and death coming from the pile - someone must've been trapped underneath a fallen body or pretended to be dead in order to hide and now they were burning alive. Josef just winced and closed his eyes. It was too late to help them. Josef lead the way as they crouched behind the bushes and kept his eye on a convenience shop just diagonal of them. It was off by itself, and as far as he could tell, there weren't any soldiers near there. The window was broken out, so it'd be easier to slip inside fast with minimal chance of being spotted. That's if no one was inside. Joan looked to Josef and nodded her head, signaling that she was ready to move. Josef half crouched half ran to the store's window with Joan on his heels. Joan kept her eyes out for any soldiers, but she couldn't see any around and the soldier who had burned the bodies had already driven off. When they entered, the store was trashed, but the aisles were mostly still standing. Joan quickly ran down each aisle to see if there was anything that they could use and Josef sprinted to the behind the counter to find that the knives and pocket knives had already been taken. Even all of the cigarettes and chewing tobacco had been raided. Joan snatched a little bag of snowballs that had been pushed to the back of one shelf and spun on her heels to the next aisle. Before she could stop herself, she ran into someone who was carrying an axe and she fell back on her ass with a cautious expression. "Shit!" Joan yelled out which alerted Josef who was surprised to find a radio in the break room.

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