sleeping valor

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

I headed downstairs and decided to head to the cargo hold, I'd noticed there was some space in there during my earlier exploration. Also more privacy than the Ready Room.

I took off my robes and set them down--no point getting them dirty with sweat. The air here was not cold, my chest band would be enough. I moved to the centre of the hold. I started by stretching carefully. It was ironic, to ease the anger I felt about the Empire legalizing slavery, and the painful memory of my sisters, with the very skill I'd been forced to master as a slave.

I had loved dancing, as a child. I'd been told I had a gift for it. There had even been a time I'd dreamed of being a professional. It was like speaking with your body and soul. Pouring your heart out in sweat. It was a way to say what could not be said with words. I'd loved it.

But I could not love it when I wore the collar. I had buried my feelings deep, so they could not hurt me, and so the dance had been empty. Without meaning. There had been no more passion in the steps than when I walked.

Even after I had been freed by my Master, I had not danced. Not for a very long time. It had been part of one big, long, bad memory. But then, by chance, I had seen a performance in the streets and my heart had ached. I'd already lost years of my life. I could not let them take dance, too.

So I had tried dancing again. And at first, it had hurt. Every step, every stance, dredged up emotions I had numbed myself to… memories I'd buried and forgotten. But I'd stubbornly continued, and found myself channelling all the emotion into the dance. It had been raw, bitter sweet and therapeutic. I'd danced until I could barely stand. Master had scolded me afterwards, but he hadn't interrupted.

I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I found the source of my anger and the memory of pain, and began the dance. The loss of my sisters was an old wound. I had accepted their death, and my failure, but Wolfe's revelation had brought it back to the surface. Deep down I'd never truly forgiven myself. How could I? I'd promised. But I realized the pain was sharp again because it was not mine alone. I felt myself mourning for the hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions, that would suffer. For the families who would lose children, siblings and parents. And then there was the anger. Anger at those who would allow such an evil practice back into the Galaxy. Who would subject countless innocents to undeserved cruelty. It was unforgivable.

~Aayla dances an improvised and wild dance for a while.~

Half an hour later I sat down, panting. It had been a while since I'd danced so intensely. I lay back on the floor and gave myself a few minutes to recover my breath, enjoying the sensation of my muscles screaming for air.

Finally I stood. I needed some water. I hadn't realized how parched I was until the water hit my throat. I gulped it down. Refreshed, got on the lift and went up to the cockpit.

"How goes the flight? Still on track?" I asked as I stepped off the lift.

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"…we might exercise together? I find it often far more motivating to have someone else to practice with. I promise to behave, if you're thinking I might have secondary intentions."

I could feel a light blush creeping onto my face. Wolfe had, naturally, assumed I meant Jedi exercises. I did need to do my sabre work for the day. I'd gotten into the habit of doing it at night, because daylight hours had been relatively safe from Cholganna's predators and it had been more effective to use that time to forage, hunt and explore. I should get into the habit of doing it in the morning, again.

But my master had warned me against wielding my sabre when I was emotionally compromised. "A lightsabre should be wielded with a calm heart, Aayla," he'd told me. If I associated the weapon with strong emotions, I might reach for it at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons.

"I was thinking of a different kind of exercise," I told him. I realized I'd have to tell Wolfe what I'd really had in mind. He was going to ask. Or find out. It wasn't a very big ship.

"I was going to dance," I confessed. "We could, um, practice together after?" It would be nice to practice with someone again. It had been a while.

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"Wait, what happened? I think I missed something behind the blindfold..."

Wolfe was looking in at me, and for a moment the mask of loss on my face was exposed. I'd subconsciously gotten used to him not being able to see and hadn't guarded my expression. Now I instinctively I stilled it to a more neutral one. He seemed worried, or confused. I realized from his perspective my departure must seem sudden.

"It was just a bit of a shock," I offered as an explanation."I hadn't imaged they would..." I didn't finish the sentence. The anger was passing, but it was still there. How could they do something so... evil? I forced the question back. There was no one here to answer it.

"I remembered something unpleasant," I said simply. I realized I was rubbing my tattoo again and stopped, looking at it. It had been three years. I needed to move on. I sighed.

I looked up at Wolfe and gave him a slightly forced smile. "Can we finish this conversation later? Your idea is good. I just need to... exercise a bit. Helps me clear my mind."

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"Well, judging by the tone of your voice, this is going to be a bit of a bummer for you. Since the Empire took over, slavery is legal," he said.

A horrified cry of "What!?" stuck in my throat. I leaned on the console and for a blessed moment I was too shocked to feel anything. Wolfe kept speaking, and I tried to listen. The words distracted me from the cold anger that was building in me. I couldn't have spoken anyway, the anger had muted me. He asked me if I could pass for a slave owner, talked of how nobles walked about with slaves on their arm like it was nothing. Because it was allowed.

How dare they.

I could feel myself trembling, shaking with rage, my first balled in my lap.

"And of course it's nothing like... our games. My games, on the other hand, the kind of games I'm used to... You honestly have no idea. Nothing wrong with that, though." Wolfe's flirtatious tone was lost on me. I sat in utter silence for a a few seconds. I stood. I didn't know where I was going. I just felt the need to move.

"I stand corrected," I heard myself say quietly. "We can go with your plan, then. It's a fine idea," I said, with only a small tremor in my voice. How could they?

Breath. Don't give in to it. Not again. Let it pass.

The distance between the console and the lift was only a few steps, but it seemed much farther. The anger was peeling back, and the painful sadness at I mentally recoiled from the memory. I found myself rubbing the tattoo on the back of my hand.

Wolfe was leaning on the wall just to the left of the lift, looking pleased with himself. He was still wearing the blindfold.

"You can stop wearing that, you know," I said softly, then I stepped unto the lift.

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"You want to disguise yourself as a slave?" I heard my voice rise, incredulous.

"That plan only works in areas where slavery is still practiced illegally. On civilized worlds that would draw attention," I reminded him. "Besides, do you--do you know what being a slave is actually like?" I asked, keeping my tone even. "It's nothing like your... games, Wolfe."

Surely he realized even in pretend he would have no rights. No freedom. With his build he could pass for a Class 4, certainly. Or a Class 1. At the thought a painful memory began to surface, so I set it aside.

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

Something I'd said had made him smile, replacing the pained expression. The guilty knot in my chest eased. I listened to his answer.

I noted he hadn't said he didn't want to return. In fact he technically hadn't even said he wouldn't return, if called. Only that he expected punishment if he did.

Though my understanding of Wolfe's relationship with his Mistress remained somewhat vague, a few things were becoming clear. Wolfe did not seem overly fond of his Mistress, but he also clearly respected her. And feared her. And it seemed that fear was the primary, and perhaps the only, reason he had been so willing to cooperate. His mistress had promised some punishment if he failed, and as long as he was certain she would deliver on that promise he was unlikely to return willingly to her side.

"I see," I said without any particular inflection. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what past punishment had earned the bitter tone in his voice. I could only wonder why he had stayed, afterwards.

"In that case we should definitely discuss our disguises," I added after a thoughtful pause. "Did you have anything in mind?"

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

Even with the blindfold I could see the pained expression cross his face. There were many ways to fall into darkness, I knew. Not everyone who descended did so with evil in their hearts. I felt a twist of guilt in my gut; I was opening an old wound with my line of questioning.

"You don't--" I searched for the right words. "You don't have to tell me, yet. You don't have to tell me at all, if you don't want to," I said, honestly.

I sighed. I did want to know, but I did not want to drag it from him.

"The only thing I really need to know from you right now if whether or not you want to go back. Would you return, if your Mistress would forgive you for failing your mission?"

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"I've heard stories, yes," I said. "My master knew a great deal about the history of the old Sith Order, back in the days the Sith had entire empires under their control. They eventually turned on each other and were crushed. What I was taught was more historical than practical," I admitted. Master had taught me how to avoid falling into Darkness, rather than lingering on what might happen if I did. "But I know about the sacrifice," I added more quietly.

Post deletion

Hello. I would like some posts removed from a thread, please. All posts to be deleted are marked "Moved to private forum". There's 15 of them starting here and more 7 more here.

Sorry for the trouble! Thanks.

Under the Heel [Pseudo Star Wars] (Mature)

"That's a good point. A disguise would be a wise plan," I admitted. My robes were very comfortable, but hardly practical. Being identified as a Jedi would be disastrous. It was why I had adopted a different outfit during my stay on Cholganna. The robes would have been too much of a giveaway.

Then I wondered how long "we" were going to be travelling together. Did Wolfe want to return to Mistress and his work? He'd only really offered to cooperate because he had "failed his mission". I'd taken for granted he'd given up on that mission and that was why he was so willing to cooperate with me. But if he changed his mind? Or his mistress called him back? She was most likely the one who had turned him to the Dark Side, and I knew of the strength of a bond between an apprentice and their master. Just how much power did she have over him?

And even if he didn't return eventually, how long would it be before they came looking for him?

I realized planning further without knowing where we stood was unwise. I knew where I needed to go--he was a man my Master often dealt with due to his missions. He specialized in dealing in hard to find information. If anyone would know where I needed to go next, it would be him.

Not that I had met the man in person. His dealt with his clients via secure com-links one had to acquire from his agents. He was a very careful man. One who would not appreciate me bringing his dealings with certain Jedi to the Empire's attention if it could be avoided.

I sighed. I needed to ask him.

"Wolfe... why did you join the Sith?"