Before I start, I want to mention that I am currently an active member of the Guild, but made this account for the sake of anonymity, something which I'll go into a bit more later. That out of the way, I had some problems lately and today was the day it all bubbled through my outer layer and I've decided to write my feelings out somewhere. Since I am not a member of a lot of online communities (this is actually the only one), I had little alternative in choosing a site.
I've pondered the matter of life for a while. My current living conditions are... bad, to say the least. And when I say bad, I don't merely mean "I can't afford a new iPhone", like some of my peers. I'll be completely honest right here, so my apologies if the text doesn't end up having a flawless flow. My problems are purely materialistic, indeed. But materialistic in a way that I found myself in a hole without food, nor money. No ladder to climb out either. What I mean by that is... I literally eat once a day (if I'm lucky). Now, before you brand this thread as a "please, pity me" type of thing - I'll correct you. It's not like that. If I wanted pity, I would have posted a rant on facebook or using my real account, but I really do not want people to pity me. I don't want my friends, even less my girlfriend, to know in what state my life is, because they would try to help me once again (and bless them for being such good friends all these years). They've given me so much help already and nothing seems to be going to a better slate.
And I'll make some things clear - I am not a pill junky, alcoholic, I don't smoke, I don't waste what little money I have on things that I don't need. I'm not a shopaholic. My family simply put me in a state of material disarray. And nailed the coffin while they were at it. Now, to explain it a bit more. My parents are divorced (not a big deal, they were better off without each other), but I remained with my father (with whom I am still living with). Now he is a junky and an alcoholic. Was ever since I've known him and won't stop. Nothing I can do about that. However, what little money he has, doesn't go to provide food or pay bills or necessities for a normal life. Instead, they fund whatever drug spree he finds himself on. Although, most recently, it is a vodka spree.
At this point I'd like to mention that my family's drug and alcohol abuse did not scar me mentally (and I am really thankful for that), but I'd rather have a few scars than an empty stomach for days. Maybe I am wrong and would think otherwise, should the situation had been different, but it is how it is.
Back to me, I'm a decent guy, I help people when I can, I don't do stupid stuff like most of my acquaintances. Hell, I rarely even go out clubbing or... whatever is popular these days. I worked for a while, but the thing is - I enrolled in a college last year, and had no time to work. Which led to me dropping out of college because I was on the verge of passing out from not eating and could not attend or focus during lectures. Which brought me back to square one, searching for a job. Not an easy task, but am not giving up. Would've been easier if I could turn to someone and get some help, but... that's not possible. The rest of my family is unable to help, for one reason or another. Once in my life, I remember saying that we are a cursed family, because everyone was either a drug user or an alcoholic. Hopefully, I'll break that curse.
The country cannot help my situation, mostly because I am not a minor anymore. Which leaves me without any rights and without any possibility of getting help from them. That sucks. My talents are not helping the matter either - there are two charts of talents in life, ones that make people money, and ones that I have.
That was a joke. Ha ha. I do have some talents, and am working my best to achieve things in them, but that takes some time. Time I fear I don't have.
But, like I said in the beginning, I've been thinking about this matter of life. If there is a possibility that a person would live his entire life like that, struggling to eat some bread each couple of days... what good is that life? What does one get out of such life in the end? I am not a religious person, so the entire - you get only that much struggle that you can carry - does not really make much difference to me. I am more of a Buddhist type of a person, amongst other things. We live, we die - everything changes. What we make of our lives is what we get. Unfortunately, other people gave me a mountain to climb before I can start making something out of my life. Now, saying that I don't see a purpose in such a life doesn't mean I will kill myself, or try to. I was born too optimistic to do that.
Plus, I hate pain.
As I said, this is more of a letting out some steam thread than anything else, but at the same time, my heart does feel that any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for blasting out like this.
I would write more on the topic, and probably will, but there is some matter I have to attend to, a.k.a., trying to land a job. So yeah.