5-1, couple points: 1) I admit I didn't give you much to work with. 2) Are you going to search around for clues? Might have to talk to people. And on the point of talking to people: 3) In tabletop RPGs, the GM/DM handles the NPC dialogue (with rare exceptions like Houses of the Blooded, but dice are a little more valuable in that). In this case, the dialogue didn't further the story. Don't worry about taking it out now that you have it, though. 4) As a result of #3, there is something you'll have to roll for that little interaction. I'll tell you what when I make my next post. 5) Much improved. Next step is to avoid redundancy - "necklace on her neck" "he smirked....she saw the smirk" "necklace....necklace....necklace....necklace". Keeps people from feeling like they read the same line over and over again.
Also, don't worry about matching post length. Work on the quality first (which you are improving -nodnod-), then the length.
I got those improvin' pointers from JB, so I think you should thank him. This and the other one that I am in, are the first time I've ever did a TTRPG. So I didn't know about the rules to them. In terms of the DM controllin' NPCs.
However, its nice to learn about certain things from JB.