[IC] When Five Becomes Four [Mirth and Book Thief]

[The Book Thief]

Noah Logan was dead, but to those who did not know him it was just another day in Eaton.

Nathaniel felt so much older in his fathers' dark suit and he stared numbly as more and more people began to arrive. They were all dressed in black for Noah's funeral and he watched as they made their way towards the little chapel. Noah's coffin was propped up on a bier, ready for viewing, but Nathan lingered outside. He didn't want to see Noah, not like this. He had always expected their reunion to be a lively affair, something more cheerful than this. He and Matt would tease each other, Noah and Audrey would chat about the silliest of things, and Arty, she'd give them one of her biggest grins and suggest they have a game of soccer or badminton, there was no sport that girl wasn't good at.

However, none of that was happening, and this was far from the reunion of their dreams. Here he was, home for the first time in two years, and not to visit his friends, but to attend one of their funerals. And to make matters worse, Noah had taken his own life.

Nathan didn't believe it at first, not until he got a call from his parents. After that, everything just started to fall apart. None of it made sense, Noah had been one of the most cheerful and kindest people had ever known, so what went wrong? The answer seemed so out of reach. Nathan found himself staring at the wet grass, shoulders hunched and fists clenched so hard that his knuckles had turned white. He could hear cars parking by the curb and people talking as they made their way towards the tiny chapel.

He didn't want to move, but he figured that eventually someone would end up ushering him inside. Nathaniel sucked in a breath of air, his expression stony and eyes void. The young man had already cried himself to sleep back in his dorm room. The flight home and the trip back to Eaton had been spent in cold silence, whatever emotions Nathan had been feeling, he had attempted to drown.

"Nate? I can't believe it's you," it was one of Noah's friends from art class. "It's pretty hard to believe."

What was there to say? Of course, it was damned hard to believe. This was Noah Logan, Mr. nice guy and friend to all animals and children. This was the guy who grinned from ear to ear and laughed when he failed a test, the guy who took Matt in when he had nowhere to go, and the guy who helped old people cross the street. The boy was head-over-heels in love with life, yet he had killed himself by overdosing on Tylenol. None of this made sense and life wasn't fair, not by a long shot.

Nate ended up snapping when he hadn't meant to, "you're damn right it is," Nate didn't even look back, he simply turned around and began stomping off in the chapel's direction, leaving the other boy stunned and speechless.

Noah's mother and father were sitting in the front row, surrounded by concerned relatives and visitors. Ross was seated not too far from them entertaining a couple of visitors as well. Nate didn't want to intrude, so he sat at the very back and focused his eyes on the floor. He didn't want to look at the casket, and he didn't want to acknowledge the fact that one of his best friends was dead.

He sat in silence until a familiar voice snapped him out of his thoughts, "you didn't tell me you were coming back to Eaton," Nate stared numbly at the girl who had sat down beside him, it was Audrey. He'd drifted away from all of them. Sure, they would send each other texts from time to time, but his so called best friends felt like nothing more than strangers now.

Nate balled his hands into fists, grasping for words. "Audrey, it's been awhile."

"Really, Natey?" The girl laughed a little when Nathan flinched at the sound of his old nickname. "You disappear for two years and that's all you have to say?" She looked tired as well, but she mustered up a grin. "I didn't think I'd see you," her voice dropped to a whisper and lost its cheerful tone. Audrey wondered if the others would show up too, she hoped that they would. Noah was the one who brought them together and it would only be right for them to say goodbye to him as a group, he would have wanted it that way.

Nathan looked away and Audrey gave him a weary grin. Seeing her smile at Noah's funeral irritated him and his eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. "Wipe that grin off your face," it came out a lot harsher than he had intended. "It looks stupid." Here he was, an adult acting like an absolute child. A pang of guilt washed over him, but the boy ignored it and went back to staring at his feet.

"Sorry," Audrey shrunk back into her chair like a puppy that had been scolded for nothing. How much had changed in the past two years?

[Mirth]

The hand that landed on Nathaniel Collins’ shoulder just then was as far from friendly as was physically possible. The shoulder of his suit furrowed under the pressure of the long, callused fingers.

The hand was attached to the browned arm of Artemis Lao, whose black chocolate eyes were hot enough to weld metal as she glowered down at Nathan. Her clenched teeth were startlingly white against a sunburned and tan face; freckles splashed across her pert nose. The sleeveless silk shirt she wore was an inch or two shorter than it should have been and she was obviously uncomfortable in the ruffled chiffon skirt and black heels that completed her ensemble. The whites of her eyes were tinged with red from crying, although the raw fury in her expression was masking her sorrow rather well.

“You really want to act like an ass here?” Arty hissed through gritted teeth. A fat tear rolled down her cheek and she dashed it away with her free hand.

***One Year Earlier***

Arty spat the mouthful of Coke across the desk and, gagging, blew a fair amount out of her nose. “Noah! Asshole! Goddamn, I can’t breathe.” Gasping and laughing, Artemis grinned at the smiling face in her monitor as a tinny voice said, “It’s not my fault you choked.”

Wiping the soda off the computer screen, Arty checked how long she and Noah had been on webcam: over two hours. She hadn’t gotten to talk to anybody else recently, so catching up had been high on her list of priorities once she’d gotten settled in Xiaochang. The Chinese portion of her exchange had just begun and she was already excited—she’d gotten into the most popular t’ai chi elective and her academic advisor was a former tennis champion. She was having a brilliant week.

Noah’s week hadn’t been quite as good, but it had been nice nonetheless. He’d gotten a job at the pharmacy as a greeter and stock-boy, he’d gotten to hang out with Matt, and Ross, his older brother, had gotten accepted to intern at the police department.

Smiling his trademark sweet smile, Noah shifted the camera so Arty could see his bed. Something was lying on top of it, and Noah got up, momentarily blocking the picture while he picked whatever it was up. “Matt figured you’d like this,” he said as he held the thing up so she could see it. “We know you love the Manhattan Blaze, so~” he trailed off cheerfully.

Noah and Matt had gone to a big soccer game at the stadium in Oakdale, the city Matt lived in. Apparently the Oakdale Aces had been playing the Blaze, because Noah had found a pennant with the Blaze’s logo and team colors on it. He waited, anticipating Arty’s joy. “Badass! Those’re the new colors but with the retro logo! Dude, those kinds run like, thirty bucks!” When Noah didn’t stop smiling, she protested. “You did not spend that much on a flag.”

“We went half and half?” Noah offered, trying not to laugh. “Anyway, we figured it’s for your room there, so we’ll send it when I can get to UPS. Matt’s kinda tied up with Bone Girls playing the Metradome all next week.”

“The Bone Girls got the Dome? How’d Matt get to work there?”

Noah shrugged. “I guess one of the times he did stuff for them at Roscoe’s they liked him, so they asked him to help with this. It pays two dollars an hour more, because the venue’s bigger.”

“So Matt’s bringing in the bacon. He still giving most of it to your mom and dad?” Arty propped her chin on her arms. Matt had lived with the Logans for a while, ever since his grandmother passed away, and he was always trying to pay them back. He’d managed to convince them to accept half of his pay, despite their continuing protestations. When Noah nodded an affirmative, Arty snorted with laughter and shook her head. “Dork. He’s got such a freakin’ weird sense of… I dunno, duty?”

“Nah, obligation,” Noah replied, putting the pennant back on his bed. “He’s got a strong sense of obligation.” After a beat of silence, Noah sat back at his computer and looked hard at Arty. “I miss all of you guys, you know that, right?”

Arty furrowed her brows. “Well, yeah, but I’m coming home, and Matt’s not far… Where’re A and Nate?”

“Nate’s at a big school way upstate. Audrey’s still here, but… I don’t see her often,” Noah finished thoughtfully. “Anyway, I gotta go to bed, got work in the morning,” he said briskly, brightening so suddenly it surprised Artemis. “Work hard, get good grades, try not to Hulk out and murder anybody!”

“Shut up,” Arty laughed as the call ended.

[The Book Thief]

Nathan fell quiet, there was nothing to say. Under normal circumstances, it would've been nice to see his friends again, but at the moment, he wanted nothing more than to be alone. "Long time no see, Arty" there were no sarcastic quips or cocky retorts. He had been rude, and maybe he had been an ass, but right then and there Nate couldn't have cared less. He turned his head to take a good look at Arty, it was clear that she hadn't been doing very well either.

"Arty! Nate and I were just talking about the weather." Audrey hopped up from her seat and feigned a grin. She hadn't seen either of them in awhile and she really didn't want their first meeting to start off on the wrong foot. She missed them, and if weren't for the sobbing people and solemn atmosphere she would have pulled them both into a hug. The girl was dressed in a knee-length black dress and despite her fake smile, it was clear that she had been crying too. "So, two years? It feels longer than that." The girl motioned for Arty to take a seat beside them and scooted over towards Nate to make room. "Everything is so different," Audrey knew that if she didn't try to keep the mood light and happy she'd end up bawling, and she didn't want to do that, not now when the atmosphere already felt so heavy.

"Of course things are different," Nathan couldn't stop himself, "Noah is dead." This time there was no venom in his voice, it was a simple statement and he regretted it the moment it left his mouth. Ever since he had received the news, he had been angrier, his temper would get out of control from time to time and he ended up saying things he didn't mean, ended up hurting those who tried to help.

"You really think I don't know that?" Audrey's voice was nothing more than a squeak.

Nathan's shoulders sagged and he buried his face in his hands. Treating his friends like this, it was wrong, and being angry did not justify his actions. He had enough sense to know that much. "I'm sorry," Nate ran a hand through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. "Arty, Audrey, it really is good to see you again, I mean it." He let out a sigh before looking around. "Where's Matt?"

"Noah's death hit him really hard," she had only seen him once since Noah's had died and he had been a completely different person. Audrey wanted so badly to try and get him to smile but she had been too shocked to do anything. Occasionally Ross would tell her about how Matt was doing, but lately he wasn't doing well. Then again, none of them were. It was hard to imagine a world without Noah Logan and it was hard to believe that their group of five had become a group of four. There was a gap that none of them would be able to fill and it hurt. "I wonder why he did it?" She hadn't planned to say it out loud, but it came out as a little more than a whisper.

Her eyes flitted towards the white coffin and Audrey remembered the cheery ten-year-old from art class. The first day they met, she had been hesitant and shy but Noah's cheerfulness was contagious and before she knew it they were painting butterflies and crude circles. Noah became one of her closest friends and it was him who introduced her to Arty. Memories of lazy summer days flooded her memories. Back then, Arty, Noah and her would go biking around town then they'd stop for ice pops at Fruity Delights.

Sleepovers, volunteering for animal shelters, meeting Nathan and Matt for the first time, all those memories came flooding back.

"Hey Arty, Nate, remember that time in eight grade?"

Nathan arched an eyebrow at Audrey's sudden question. "What are you taking about?"

"That time we all snuck into an abandoned building on Halloween, the time Arty scared you to death." She was trying extra hard to make them smile. Nathan didn't seem to appreciate the reminder and instead closed his eyes.

"Those were good times."

Before more could be said, a priest made his way towards the podium and everyone was asked to rise in prayer.

[Mirth]

“Yeah,” Arty all but growled, her eyes shooting off sparks. Nathan had always been weird about his emotions, burying them as best he could and deflecting any questions about how he really felt. This wasn’t the time or the place for his bullshit, and Arty was in a brawling sort of mood. If he pushed her, she wouldn’t be too grief-stricken to haul off and bust his nose. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d squabbled.

Luckily, Audrey all but dove between them to diffuse the tension. She was a petite as ever (although, to be truthful, everyone was petite compared to Arty) and her smile still somehow worked itself into Arty and made her want to return it. “This is the first time I’ve been back since Christmas,” Arty ventured, letting Audrey steer the conversation away from the minefield between Nathan and herself. “I haven’t gone home to see my parents yet, but I knew they were coming here anyway.” The first time she’d seen her folks in months, and it was at a funeral. She couldn’t excuse it, even when she’d gotten off the plane choked with tears and had run to the nearest bathroom to cry her eyes out.

Nathan’s quiet comment flung them back into depths too painful to delve. Audrey visibly shrank, and her voice was tiny when she whispered a response. "You really think I don't know that?"

Arty’s fists clenched and her shoulder went tight, ready to unleash a right hook that would knock him straight out of his seat when he broke down too. All the tension went out of him and he just crumbled. "I'm sorry. Arty, Audrey, it really is good to see you again, I mean it."

Her own shoulders curled into themselves; Arty felt so very tired and drained. She felt weak, and she never felt that way. When Nathan asked about Matt, Arty leaned over the back of the pew Audrey and Nathan were sitting in. “A’s right—he took it real hard. Ross found him half-dead under a bridge somewhere a couple days after it happened.” She cast her eyes up the aisle; Matt was slumped in the otherwise unoccupied Logan family pew. Noah’s mother and father were still talking to guests. Ross wasn’t in sight.

After a long beat of silence, Arty wrapped an arm around Audrey’s shoulders and dragged her into a hug. “I don’t know. If I did, I’d… I’d have killed it for him.” She gave Audrey a squeeze and sank her teeth savagely into her lower lip to prevent the building tears from falling. “Hmm? Eighth grade?” She held Audrey off her shoulder to look at her. “Ooooh, that trip. Pah, I thought Nate was gonna die, he screeched so loud.” Arty turned to analyze Nathan’s reaction to the old story, but nothing doing. He was shut down.

"Those were good times." He finally said. Then, up at the front of the cathedral, someone tapped a microphone and cleared their throat. Arty looked up and saw a priest in flowing vestments opening a prayer book. He began to read, a pair of golden reading glasses perched upon his nose.

Arty’s throat slammed shut. She couldn’t breathe. Her face heated up. The ceremony was starting. After this, it was the burial at the cemetery.

No, no, no nononono. Too much, too real, make it stop.

“Welcome, brothers and sisters. We gather here to honor the beloved memory of Noah—“

The words weren’t making sense, suddenly. The priest was mumbling gibberish that sounded obscene. Arty tried to suck in a gulp of air but it just wasn’t working. Her chest hollowed and ached and burned. No, no, stop, you can’t do this, THIS ISN’T HAPPENING no no no NO NO NONONONONO!

Arty stumbled sideways out of the pew, tripping on the end of the kneeler and almost falling. Ross, who was coming up the side aisle behind her, caught her elbow to steady her; as he looked into her face he grew alarmed and tried to hold her still but she shoved him and someone gasped and the priest spoke stern words into the microphone that boomed all throughout the cathedral and Arty was striding up the side aisle and her chest was too tight and she couldn’t breathe and she was looking at the casket and tearing the ceremonial sheet away and ripping the top open. Were there nails? Had there been nails holding it shut? Didn’t matter, Noah’s face, Noah’s sleeping face—they were going to put him in the ground, no, no, they couldn’t do that, anything but that—PLEASE GOD NO ANYTHING BUT THAT—

“How could you do this to us?!” A voice screamed and the stained glass windows rattled and sang from the force of it. Arty’s throat hurt and she banged on Noah’s still chest and kept screaming. “You selfish son of a bitch how dare you do this to everyone who loves you—” Strong arms wrapped around her shoulders—definitely Ross—but she swung her head back and connected with his nose and she managed to slam her arm one last time into Noah’s chest. “DON’T YOU DARE DIE LIKE THIS! DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!”

Noah’s eyelids fluttered. His throat twitched. A soft breath fanned from his lips. He breathed. His chest rose and fell at slow, irregular intervals.

[The Book Thief]

The Chapel

Matt, half-dead under a bridge. Nathan didn't know how to respond to that and it left a bad taste in his mouth, knowing that he hadn't been there for both Noah and Matt. "It's a good thing Ross found him." That was all he managed to say at the moment. Nate clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white. He was a terrible friend and he didn't deserve them.

Audrey was dragged into a hug and it felt nice and comforting, she wanted to pull the both of them into a hug as well, but Nate looked so out of it and Arty was standing behind the pew. The girl held onto Arty's arm and gave it a comforting squeeze, she couldn't help herself and soon Audrey began sniffling. She wiped away at her tears with the back of her hand then smiled when both her friends began talking about eight grade.

The trip to the abandoned house ended with Matt and Nathan on the floor and caked in dust. Arty had given the boys quite a scare, it had been a good night. After all the commotion, they washed up and spent the night playing video games and watching movies at Noah's place. Nate couldn't have said it any better, those were good times.

Then everyone was rising and the priest began to talk.

He blabbered on about how tragic everything was and it almost made Nathan snap. They already knew how messed up this was, they already knew how painful this was. Noah Logan killing himself, it was just unthinkable. The priest began talking about how suicide was horrible and about how unexpected things were and Nate just wanted to punch him right in the face. The man began talking about Noah's life, about how he had been a great example and a good kid. Noah was indeed one of the kindest people he had ever known but the priest was sugarcoating events. If Noah were here-- if he were alive, he'd probably laugh. The priest was calling him a model student, but the four of them knew he was anything but that. He fell asleep in history and asked for their help in Science class, but that was Noah Logan for you. His shortcomings and quirks were what made him Noah and they loved him for it, shortcomings and all. Having events sugarcoated by a guy who didn't even know him, it felt wrong.

How many of these people even wanted to be here? How many of this people weren't thinking about their jobs and other problems. He saw a bunch of kids elbowing each other in the ribs and snickering. Well, damn them. Damn the priest and damn Noah for leaving them.

He felt tears sting his eyes, but before he could do anything there was an audible gasp from the crowd.

"Arty!" Audrey reached out for her friend's hand but before the girl could do anything her friend was stumbling out of the pew. Ross caught her, but she shoved him aside and continued running down the aisle. The girl stared at the scene with wide eyes, Arty had always been the strongest one in their little group. They had never seen her break and just staring at her now, it was painful, and it showed them just how broken they truly were. "Arty," Audrey stumbled past dazed guests and ran down the aisle.

Arty crashed into the coffin then began screaming and slamming her fists onto it. The scene wasn't exactly east to watch.

Ross tried to get her to calm down, but she didn't and Nathan began scrambling towards them in an attempt to help. "He's dead Artemis!" Nate's voice cracked, "He's dead and he sure as hell isn't coming back!" He repeated, hoping that it would knock some sense into her and stop her from making things more painful than it ought to be. She didn't seem to hear so he rushed forward, gave Ross an apologetic expression and tried to yank her away. However the next thing he saw made him fall flat on his backside--Noah's eyes fluttered open.

Noah's mother screamed and the crowd erupted into confused yells.

"God! Call an ambulance!" Someone had yelled before a guy in a dark suit grabbed a phone and dialed 911.

The next few minutes were the most chaotic in Nathaniel's life. People swarmed around the coffin, others rejoiced, and the priest, he stared at it all dumbfounded and confused. It was an utter miracle.

"Arty," Audrey had both hands on her friend's shoulder now. Noah's sudden awakening had managed to shock Arty out of her rage. "It'll be okay." She didn't even know if she believed her own words, but she didn't want to see her friends hurting so she pulled Arty into a hug.

It was the longest fifteen minutes of their lives and soon the sound of sirens filled the air. Paramedics rushed into the chapel and before any of them could do anything, Noah was strapped onto a gurney and rushed out with his family.

---

Eaton General Hospital

After the ambulance took Noah away, the guests began to go home, but not them.

The four of them remained, dumbstruck and confused. It wasn't until awhile later that one of Noah's aunts recognized them. She offered to drive them to the hospital and though the ride had only lasted a few minutes, it felt like years.

Upon arrival they learned that Noah was in the ICU and that he was in critical condition. They weren't allowed to see him, only immediate family members were allowed inside. Even Matt wasn't allowed in, so they were directed to the waiting room. Minutes turned into hours and soon it was dark out, but Doctors still didn't know what was up and Noah didn't get any better. The last thing they were told was that it could go either way.

The news had been heavy and depressing and the possibility of losing Noah again was very real.

The nurse had been nice enough to hand them blankets and hot chocolate.

Nate pressed the palm of his hands into his eyes. The day had been unbelievable and he was a bundle of emotions. Arty and Audrey and Matt were with him, he had to be strong for all of them but he didn't have anything to say. He sat across from the girls and beside Matt, the cup of chocolate cold and untouched in his hand. There were no words for such a situation, so he placed a hand on Matt's shoulder and hoped it would be enough.

He knew it wasn't, but what else could he do?

Audrey sat beside Artemis, one hand clamped tightly around her friend's arm and the other holding onto the blanket as if it were her lifeline. "He'll be okay." She blurted out. "Noah hasn't stopped fighting and, he isn't going to. He'll be okay." She repeated in an attempt to comfort her friends and herself.

[Mirth]

Arty stared down at the boy in the coffin and relief so strong it hurt her surged into her heart. Not dead. Whatever he was, he was still there and there was hope and she could live with that. Her head fell back, loose, on her aching neck, and cool tears raced down her face, wetting the hair at her temples. She felt Nathan, more than heard him, behind her, and then she was hugged by Audrey, who she knew because Audrey’s arms only came around her waist since she couldn’t comfortably reach any higher. Ross was too relieved to be angry at her, too stunned to yell and ask her what the fuck she’d been thinking storming an altar, and Arty looked back, and there was Matt, his vacant eyes going wide and wider as something emerged within them.

And then Arty noticed the blood on her hands, and that she’d managed to rip off one of her fingernails scratching the casket open. That was about when it started to hurt, and she cussed and dropped into a crouch, clutching her throbbing fingers.

---

Eaton General Hospital

Arty winced as the emergency room doctor dabbed antiseptic on her fingers and wrapped them in gauze. The doctor had given her a strange look, as if she couldn’t decide whether to praise or scold Arty. Technically the girl had saved her friend from being buried alive, but she had hurt herself badly in the process. Clearly a judgment on the matter wasn’t forthcoming and the doctor went away without saying much at all. Flexing her bandaged hands, Arty glanced back at the others.

Noah had been rushed to the hospital and was currently occupying a trauma room with his family. Matt hadn’t been allowed in, despite protests, and he was sitting numbly on an institutional green sofa. Every now and then he would dash a hand across his chest like his heart hurt. He looked like the victim of a bombing. Arty suspected they all looked like that.

Arty sat down beside Audrey to wait for more news. So far, the outlook was far from bright. Noah hadn’t been autopsied or someone would have figured out he was alive sooner, but he had been kept in a very cold mortuary for several days and had been nailed into a coffin. His heartrate was erratic and his blood oxygenation was low. A specialist had noted that, without oxygen, many of his brain cells had died. Even if he woke, it was unlikely he would be the same person. He might not wake up at all.

Which was worse?

Arty knew, for her, it was worse if he never woke up. The twilight of his ‘death’ had nearly destroyed all of them; facing it again was not possible. She couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t. If she had to go to Death’s door herself and drag him back kicking and screaming, she’d do it to spare everyone the agony they’d already gone through. Bravado was easy for her.

Matt, shell-shocked, gradually lifted his head. He glanced at Nathan’s hand on his shoulder and eventually met the other boy’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, but he twitched a smile, which was far more than he had done since Noah ‘died’. It felt unfamiliar to him, like he’d forgotten how, and for a long moment he blinked and sighed and got used to feeling again. The numbness he’d fallen into had taken him so completely he felt like he’d been asleep. Across from him, Arty was studying her mangled hands with interest; she’d always been injured somehow, from a busted bone to scrapes and bruises, and it was oddly comforting to see her toughing it out.

Audrey was next to Arty, looking frazzled and close to crying. Her nose was red. Matt opened his mouth, and although he didn’t speak loudly his voice was distinct in the silence. “A.” It was only a childhood nickname, but it was all he could really say just then. He had spent days in a depression so deep it had consumed him, and coming out of it was a struggle. He shut his eyes and reached up, patting Nathan’s hand.

[The Book Thief]

The four of them were finally together for the first time in years, in a hospital waiting room. It was far from the reunion of their dreams, but here they were, seated together in a corner, looking like it were the end of the world. Then again, it almost felt like the world was ending. Noah was alive, but he was in a coma and the chances of him never waking up were painfully high.

Nathan felt Matt's hand on his then turned to see a twitch of a smile on his friends face. He gave his friend a sympathetic tap on the back then leaned back into his chair, deflating like a balloon. It had been a long and stressful day for all of them and he found himself reeling from the sudden surprise. He had tried to come to terms with Noah's death and had wrestled with his emotions for days. Now, they figured out their friend was alive, and he would have been relieved if not for the fact that Noah was now a vegetable.

Matt mumbled out a word and Nathan arched an eyebrow.

Audrey however straightened up at the sound of her name. For a moment, she looked lost, but the girl managed to compose herself. "He'll be okay." She croaked before giving Matt the most determined look she could muster. Ross told her that Matt had taken things really hard and she wanted to help him and everyone in any way she could. Audrey forced a smile. "This is Noah we're talking about," she kept the smile on her face but her voice sounded hoarse. "He doesn't know when to give up." The girl wrung her hands together and focused her eyes on Matt.

Nathan had leaned back into his chair, eyes squeezed shut. He wouldn't admit it, but he couldn't bare to see his friends like this and it hurt. He listened to as Audrey began to talk about times when Noah absolutely refused to quit. He had always been a stubborn guy and when he believed in something, persuading him to do otherwise was nigh impossible. He remembered when back in seventh grade. Dolly, a fourth grader had lost her cat and Noah had taken it upon himself to find the missing pet. They were dragged into things and days passed with no cat in sight. Eventually they gave up, but not Noah. He kept looking, and two weeks passed but he didn't stop and eventually he found the cat.

"Audrey is right," Nathan didn't even know if he believed his own words. "He isn't the kind of guy who just quits."

The girl's eyes landed on him. Of all people, she hadn't been expecting Nate to agree with her. Audrey froze before nodding in agreement.

[Mirth]

Matt’s eyes had begun to clear and his gaze gained brightness and cognizance the longer he focused on Audrey. She was telling stories about Noah, stories he remembered from far in the back of his mind, things Noah had mentioned when they talked at night.

The automaton that had left the funeral with them died and Matthias Trousdale straightened his spine and gritted his teeth; grief wasn’t done with him but he would face it now. He could face it now. He was drawing strength from his friends, from Arty’s ferocity and Nate’s soulfulness and Audrey’s cheerful tenacity. “Noah’ll be alright,” Matt said, his voice gritty from disuse. His throat was sore. Bowing his head, he swallowed and continued, “Whatever happens, don’t leave again.” If it was selfish, he didn’t care. His fingers clamped on his knees but he forced himself to look up again, to meet the looks he felt them sending his way.

He vaguely remembered stumbling out of the apartment, crashing shoulder-first into the opposite wall and staggering down the steps. Some part of him had been screaming that he needed to go home and he had heeded it mindlessly. Matt had almost fallen down the stairs before he made it outside, and, disoriented with pain, had reeled across the street into the side of a parked sedan. For almost an hour he had leaned against it, and then he had walked unsteadily towards the highway to Eaton.

The next thing he recalled with any clarity was Ross’s face hovering over him, and then smothering nothingness. He had been glad for it, in the end.

Against his knee, Matt’s fingers twitched at the memory and he rolled them into a fist. He was dizzy, but it wasn’t bad, and he sat back in the waiting room chair to recover. When was the last time he ate? Had the Logans been taking care of him again? Had Mrs. Logan been feeding him and making him drink? Matt shook his head faintly and refocused on the others.

Arty, who had been prodding experimentally at her wounds, turned incredulous eyes on Matt. “You with us?”

“Mm,” Matt grunted an affirmative and tipped his head in a nod. It was hard to keep engaged; the oblivion was still so close. He shut his eyes tight. Feeling everything was exhausting after a week of mechanical anesthetization.

Arty slapped him, hard, in the back of the head with her cast.

“Fuck!” Matt bolted forward out of his seat and almost tripped into Audrey’s lap. He caught himself on the armrests of her chair and spun to glare at Arty. “What the fuck?” Someone, a nurse probably, tried to politely shush him, but he was too busy glowering at Arty to hear or care.

“Are you awake now? Are you a functioning human being?” She asked, folding her arms across her chest as she leaned on the wall near the water cooler.

“What was that for? Jesus.” He rubbed the area, which ached, but couldn’t feel any real damage. It hurt like a son of a bitch, though. Classic Arty, punching something to solve a problem.