jakob

to my legs and to my tongue | m&h

In a stark contrast to Mitch, Holden was immensely sociable, almost to a fault. It’s not that he voluntarily put himself into situations where he’d meet new people for the sole purpose of making friends; actually, Holden could be surprisingly standoffish at times, even reserved. The issue was that he always ended up at some low-end bar, or at an outside venue downtown, or a few miles away in some very annoyed club, trying to find new local music to listen to (since he was apparently untiringly dedicated to his craft), and people inevitably gravitated towards him. See, Holden was polarizing - either his abundance of alternative accessories and splaying ink turned people 180 degrees around and away from him, or they had a magnetic energy drawing people to him. He looked like he knew his shit whenever he ended up at a show, but anywhere else, he looked like trouble.

Anyway, when he actually caught someone’s interest, it was hard for him to not be friendly and endearingly excitable. His ‘too much’ gene and endless energy might’ve turned people away had it not been for the fact that he was stuck at his thirteen year old self’s height and sort of had a baby face, sleepy eyes and all. And he wasn’t too bad at music. So, plenty of contributing factors to explain away his ever expanding social circle. Since he had no problem putting himself out there when he had the patience for it and wasn’t sick as hell, he’d become something of an expert at reading whether other people were socially oriented or not, a master at deducing ‘extrovert or introvert.’ Mitch seemed to be a little more to themself, upon first impressions. It put him in protective mode, sort of, fearing that maybe this entire setting would be uncomfortable for them, especially when he knew their band was scattered around and about the building by now and Holden was a near stranger. The goal for now seemed to just be keeping them from getting nervous, to make himself as charming and reassuring as ever.

Holden was annoyingly talkative at times, taking forever to get to a point and using his bountiful hand gestures to try and help it, always failing; Mitch, however, seemed to have no issue, and was even listening past the fifteen second mark, when others would usually grow impatient. He was immensely appreciative. Punk. Holden beamed at them, barely niting theur prolonged interest in his ink. Hell yeah, he was the realest punk around. I’m glad. Tattoos are cool, but you’re too pretty to cover any of your face with them. Saying it himself was one thing. Holden could bullshit compliments for himself all day long. Mitch agreeing so readily though, saying too pretty of all things, warmed his heart and his already bright smile grew even more enthusiastic - if that was possible. All of this conversation was way too Holden-central, he wanted to flip it around somehow so he could throw this kind of flattery right back at them, but. It seemed like they genuinely enjoyed talking about all his body art, something unique to Mitch in that literally no one else maintained interest beyond a couple of seconds.

Show me the rest sometime. Holden so wished he was the kind of guy to hook up in a bar bathroom. But this one was kind of gross even if he did have a chance. Holden controlled himself by entertaining the thought that they were only interested ‘cause they were an artist and this was more work to admire... who was he kidding. ”Hell yeah,” Holden replied fervently, never eloquent. You’ve cut me a lot of slack, there. Truth is, my aesthetic is sort of predetermined... Holden tilted his head, curious, as he watched them display those sharp teeth again, and studied them before meeting their gaze again. They’re real. I’m a vampire. Holden laughed, albeit weakly because he was almost not sure it was a joke. ”And what’s the rest of your band supposed to be? Like, werewolves and stuff?”

You’re saying you’ve never done something questionable that would warrant such suspicions? You must be pretty recognisable. ”Of course not. I’m a good boy. And, yeah, if I started to lead a life of crime I’d be, like, so easy for a sketch artist to capture, so.” He smirked, glad he apparently wasn’t annoying enough that Mitch was opposed to banter. Tattoos, piercings, all that shit? Hot as fuck. Holden shrugged, modest. ”Yeah, but you don’t have any and you’re, like, perfect, so that’s not fair. Hey, if you like ‘em so much, why don’t you have any? You could probably give yourself a lip ring.” He gestured at his mouth, alluding to their wicked canines. Evidently he still had himself fooled that it’d been a joke.

city’s your playground | b&r

Ryan wasn't really aware of how it must seem when he didn't immediately cave and provide Brendon with all information that he had about his and Gabe's conversation - in fact, it seemed like a pretty small deal, because surely they couldn't have said anything that would be offensive to Brendon. Anyway, Ryan didn't really have anything necessarily to hide; he just really wasn't sure how to go about telling Brendon any of this without freaking him out. What was a frustrating ordeal to Brendon, being kept in the dark and all, was Ryan's idea of keeping him safe from an unneeded panic. And he was, of course, way too oblivious to catch on to anything otherwise. Brendon wasn't quite expressive enough for the message to get across, and it's not like he'd make his discomfort clear either way.

What was more important was trying to ease his nerves after what was no doubt a difficult day, help him relax, and the first order of business was to try and be bold. Brendon seemed to appreciate it despite how dumb he felt just making any suggestive comments, thankfully. I’d be impressed. Ryan tilted his chin up as Brendon leaned closer, smiling a little at the positive response. You’ve come the closest. Pretty much disarmed, Ryan stayed in his head with that one but struggled to be in the moment for their kiss, not wanting to miss something that barely happened - especially not so gently. He was gradually becoming more optimistic about their situation, because everything Brendon said seemed to be coming closer to something a boyfriend might say to him in the mornings or after a kiss or in other tiny, vaguely intimate moments, and Ryan had a rampant imagination. And this kiss. For the first time in a long time, Ryan felt cared for, like he'd actually attracted someone's fondness. It was kind of silly, but he was endlessly sensitive.

It couldn't happen without the weight on his chest being lifted, though (at least not in Ryan's mind), so he was fairly quick to press pause on their moment, apologising for things mostly in the past now. Even if it wasn't a current issue, what if it was still on Brendon's mind, too? Never too late to correct a mistake, especially one as big as this. Oddly enough, Ryan was pretty sure this probably wouldn't be the last time he disappointed Brendon (and maybe that was an invitation for Gabe to stop by, too, in the future. So, bad news and good news). It’s okay. That was surprisingly calm, for Brendon. And easy. Maybe the contact had warmed him up to Ryan saying anything at all... actually, he might just be saving his actual thoughts on the subject for a time where he wasn't close to being on top of Ryan. Whatever the case may be, Ryan instantly felt kind of better, glad he hadn't prompted any snapping.

He thought he was unbelievably lucky, but then it happened. His relieved expression reverted back to the typical kicked puppy look when Brendon backed off again, hands removed and replaced at his lap. What the fuck did Gabe say to you, Ryan? Thank you for the apology, I know you didn’t fuckin’ mean to be an asshole, but I’m not an idiot. His new optimistic side told him that it was at least good Brendon knew he would never intentionally act maliciously towards him, but still. This was a pretty fucked apology. He'd of course always wanted to say it by his own accord, and Gabe's confrontation was what gave him the courage. Letting Brendon think it only happened because he got yelled at, or whatever - that just sounded like another asshole move. "They said I broke your trust," he said hesitantly, trying to meet Brendon's gaze so he knew he was genuine. "And I would never want to do that. I never meant to." Obviously. But he still wanted to say it.

Brendon's withdrawn touch returned at his waist and his hair, and Ryan's chest dropped as he exhaled in not quite relief, but a return to a slightly more comfortable state, maybe. I forgive you. That meant way more to Ryan right now than anything else in the world. Ryan smiled at him, elated, but it faded a second later, pacified by Brendon's mouth on his neck. But you talk too much. He nodded rushedly, because that was too unfortunately true, and murmured the smallest 'thank you' in response to Brendon's granted forgiveness. He became self-conscious as Brendon worked at his buttons, not really because of his appearance or anything he'd usually worry about but more at the rapid rise and fall of his chest, that affected by Brendon - and they'd only kissed thus far. Too easy. Unable to do much other than stare in some state like awe as Brendon pressed kisses against his collarbone, he idly traced his fingertips along the side of Brendon's face, studying the perfect features he'd by now mentally mapped out.

"And," Ryan murmured suddenly, his voice soft because he didn't want to sound urgent enough to stop Brendon - and he was kind of embarrassed that his filter disappeared, the whole 'overly talkative' thing getting worse by the moment. "And - we agreed, you deserve so much more than I think you realize. You're worth so, so much, Bren." There it was again. One could argue Brendon had all the confidence he'd ever need, and some smart remark like 'I've got over a million dollars' net worth, yeah' would brush all of this away, but Ryan just needed to share the sentiment. As long as Brendon heard it, it didn't matter how he responded. He wasn't sure why it felt like such a pressing matter to say this stuff now, but if Brendon wanted to know what happened, then Ryan wasn't going to tell him he knew things he only meant for his best friend to know - then he'd probably be in trouble with Gabe. This was enough for now, and following his second tangent he carefully shifted his hand to the back of Brendon's head to try and draw him back up for a punctuating kiss.

city’s your playground | b&r

I’d rather hear it from you. Brendon's voice was so suddenly soft, so gentle and reflective of his own tone, that Ryan was pretty much instantly convinced. He met his gaze carefully, unguarded, and decided that, yeah, it wasn't that big a deal. He could... summarize. It's not like he and Gabe had really delved into anything. C’mon, Ryan. Don’t keep shit from me. Oh, man. If that was the command, then Ryan would have a lot to say. He could read something genuine in Brendon's expression and it was sort of unsettling, not what Ryan was used to, so much so that he was a little speechless for the time being. As long as he wasn't keeping shit from Brendon, maybe now was the time to come clean about harboring an absurd crush on him for so long. Or actually apologise properly for being an asshole, this time without his typical startstopstart or stumbling otherwise, etc. There was plenty that he needed to get off his chest - but now wasn't the time, not when Brendon was clearly already off to a bad start.

Seriously, whatever they said- probably not true. I dunno. I’ll find out. Things Gabe said not being true could either be very good or very upsetting. First and foremost, they thought he came across as an asshole in stories, which was probably true considering, uh, Ryan tended to be like that. Then they'd said Brendon didn't trust him - not now, anyway - which also seemed fairly realistic. It'd be nice if that wasn't true, but Ryan had no reason to believe otherwise. What Ryan would love to be true, though, what was most crucial to him, was one of the last things Gabe had suggested: that Ryan was important to Brendon. The way he was talking now, all sweet and controlled and acting intimate as ever, it seemed almost believable or within the reach of believable. Ryan nodded listlessly at him, wondering at the back of his mind how often he crossed Brendon's thoughts or how prioritized he was in decisions Brendon made. Way too much fantasy, there. He set aside Brendon's pressing for now, knowing he'd probably break sooner or later before leaving.

Despite Ryan's slight panic for half a second, Brendon seemed not to register it, and in fact faced him with the most comforting look. He took painstaking measures not to look at Brendon's mouth 'cause then he'd get even more distracted, and ignored all the magnetism between them when he turned and ended up more close to Brendon than he'd expected. What can I do for you, darlin’? God. That just made Ryan's natural stammering worse. The next few lines didn't come out quite as smoothly as he'd have liked. He opted instead to land on the most lowkey flirting possible. I thought you might be. Ryan was predictable. He laughed a little, mostly at himself, and lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug as if it removed any of the embarrassment from his inevitability.

In what he thought of as a saving grace, Brendon was maneuvering over the back of the couch moments later, and Ryan held onto his side all the while to maintain his balance. If Ryan was predictable in how easily he made himself available for Brendon, Brendon was pretty typical in these pointless grand gestures. A dramatic shift from his awkward countenance just minutes before, Ryan was grinning at him by the time he was sitting with him, a knee between his thighs and hands cradling his face. Ryan was practically having an out of body experience - except he really needed to be in the present for this very unique version of Brendon, so. He held it out for now. Yeah, I’m done. All to yourself. What’re you gonna do with all the time? Ryan physically couldn't bring himself to stop smiling. He brought a hand up to Brendon's jaw, only halfway mirroring his positioning, and shrugged again. "See if I can wear you out, probably. Never been done before," he answered with just a little hesitation, because as lame as it sounded in his head, he felt pretty lame saying it out loud. Yeah, he definitely wasn't as good at this as Brendon.

Unexpectedly, Brendon was leaning forward, and Ryan's smile faded by a fraction before he realized what was happening. Usually this wouldn't go so - well, calmly. He met Brendon's lips easily, the hand on his jaw slipping around to cup the back of his head, pull him closer. His chest felt tight, this indescribable pressure and flutter, and he knew the answer to Brendon's first question about what he and Gabe had been talking about was on his tongue but he really, really shouldn't be letting that one go right now. It was the worst possible time, he was sure. Ryan's knuckles absently brushed at the taper of Brendon's hair close to his neck while he pulled back slightly, keeping his eyes shut to avoid an even more excited heart. "Brendon," he murmured, tone honest, and curled his other hand around Brendon's shoulder. This was really bad timing. Whatever. "I - I'm sorry, that I was so... preachy, before. It's not my place, it never was. I don't know why I... I'm sorry, Bren." He'd probably thought that nickname before, safe in his head, and now was a pretty risky time to test it out loud. Fuck. Apparently he was on a roll in this series of bad decisions.

He figured Brendon's kisses - rare and far between as they were - weren't welcoming of gentle pauses like this, and rather were intended for quick escalation, though, so to try and make up for it, he bravely kissed him again, a chaste one before opening his eyes again. "I never wanted to be an asshole, or make you feel like I was judging you, or anything." He paused, trying to figure out a less direct way to tell Brendon 'you're important to me.' "It's just important to me that you know that, I guess. Bad timing, I know." He grinned, a little sideways, at the attempt to make up for his poor timing, and arched up somewhat from the cushions to try and draw Brendon's body closer to his.

city’s your playground | b&r

This morning, Ryan never would have guessed he'd be having such a messy day - but it was still a pretty eventful start off anyway. He'd been awake since ungodly hours, holed up on his sofa as usual with some old horror film and a very flat soda, when Brendon texted him wondering what was happening today. It was particularly busy and had some not-so-fun tasks, especially the part where Brendon had to actually meet up with his parents, so Ryan knew he was going to practically be on call - whether it be for a normal task or some kind of venting place, he didn't really mind. He just knew today was definitely going to be shitty for Brendon. Turns out, though, that Ryan had just as much in store - although Gabe's visit was kind of helpful despite being mostly uncomfortable in the moment. So Brendon was still definitely the more far-suffering one here, no surprise he bailed on it all and came home early.

Aside from that he'd gotten a little pick-me-up of sorts to get him through the day, lucky him: I missed you last night, good morning. Ryan took probably ten minutes (of grinning stupidly at his screen and biting his lip to try to stop it and failing and hiding his face in a couch pillow and getting to warm and pulling away and retyping responses over and over again) to actually answer, which ended up being pretty unambitious. He couldn't be bold - he'd already fucked up their former friendship and professional relationship. Both things still existed, but they weren't quite the same, just tailored to fit this weird new routine him and Brendon had fallen into. In the end, his response had been you too with a casual smiley (which he instantly regretted, too), followed by an actual 'good morning.' Fairly platonic-looking. Again, it's not like he could risk much else.

He figured the on-edge look Brendon was sporting could be attributed to him coming home to an unexpected sight, but that was initially - he eventually put the pieces together that one, Brendon had had a rough day ahead of him (or at least it was rough compared to his usually easy work-free days), and two, he'd come home early. So something came between him and his plans. When Ryan recalled the schedule, this was about the time Brendon was meant to be with his parents. Suddenly he felt the pressing need to comfort him, but they'd just discussed this. Brendon didn't want or need his pity. On the flip side, he had too much pride to ask for help even if he really needed it, and he wasn't emotionally expressive enough to show if he was hurting. So, a sticky situation. Ryan decided just to skirt around him from now on, try to make his life as easy as possible today, 'cause no doubt he'd already been criticized and ignored enough already.

He made his first mistake trying to lie about what business Gabe had here. Brendon immediately knew. C’mon, Ry. I’ll find out from Gabe anyway. Ryan shrugged innocently when he moved away, looking downward a little remorsefully. Surprisingly, Brendon was off to clean up some of Gabe's mess - maybe some of the Virgo Brendon was always complaining about had rubbed off on him. Ryan watched him silently before speaking again, voice just as soft. "Then find out from them," he answered, not as testily as it probably would've had this been a typical day. Today, though, he just sounded fairly flat, for no reason other than he really wasn't up to telling Brendon he was hopelessly in like with him quite yet. Maybe sometime when he hadn't just probably been chewed out by his parents, or when Ryan hadn't just been put on the stand by a half-stranger, now-3/4s-stranger.

Bailed on lunch with my parents, ditched the rest of my plans for today. So there it was. He nodded understandingly rather than chiding him on letting all his duties go incomplete, unfolding his hands from round his knee and letting it drop again. He figured he'd just finish everything for Brendon later. Any meetings could be picked up over the phone, all the calls he was supposed to make could be rescheduled, every bill he was supposed to pay - well, usually Ryan picked those up anyway. Besides, I added something new to do to the calendar. Ryan looked back up to ask, but Brendon's arms were wrapping round his neck daintily and he froze as Brendon leaned in close to his ear. Ryan Ready. He probably stopped breathing for a second. Ryan's fingers twitched in his lap, not sure how he was supposed to act here, and he shut his eyes tight when he realised Brendon was messing with his buttons as if he actually had plans.

"Brendon," Ryan said abruptly, suddenly urgent. He pulled off the arm thrown over his shoulder, turning in his seat until he was facing Brendon with his hands wrapped over the back. He paused then, suddenly unsure of every stupid school kid crush confession hanging on his lips, uncertain whether he wanted to tell the truth about Gabe coming here after all. He stared at Brendon with slightly wider eyes for a second, lips parted like he was preparing to speak, then quit on his brief moment of courage. "Um... it's cool, I'll, uh. I'll deal with everything you didn't get to, okay? You're okay, right?" On account of the whole lunch thing. He tilted his head as if to reveal the implication - then remembered Brendon's joke. Or maybe he was dead serious. Sometimes it was hard to tell. "And... I'm very on board with that change of schedule. Haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon." His mind drifted back to the morning text and he smiled fondly at the thought alone, smoothing down Brendon's collar carefully before letting his hand rest against his chest. "Are you saying you're all done today? I get you to myself?" He laughed lightly, figuring it was all cheesy to say out loud, but as long as they were both being forward.

city’s your playground | b&r

Something odd about this sort of confrontation was that he really didn't mind Gabe no matter how critical or vindictive they got; they had a way of speaking and acting that made them charming regardless. Which is why Ryan was surprised that he couldn't quite remember ever talking to them at length before or being around when Gabe and Brendon actually hung out beyond a few passing moments - he knew he would've actually enjoyed Gabe's company, and that was a first for one of Brendon's friends. Usually he had to pretend to be interested in some guy who looked like he just got kicked out of his fraternity, or one who wanted to advertise his SoundCloud record, or one who bragged about all his bought social media followers. It was like a breath of fresh air to meet Gabe, who apparently only wanted to talk about keeping Brendon safe and comfortable.

Brendon, though, apparently had little to no trust in him. Ryan felt sick just thinking that. Not completely. He did start to, but- you said all that to him and it was a hard blow. Fuck. Ryan wondered when that would ever stop haunting him. Well - at least it was a lesson in not speaking before thinking ever again. As long as he wanted to be a good friend again, he really needed to make some improvements to himself. If he wanted to, he’d have completely cut you off by now, so- don’t worry. And don’t take it personally. Just- be honest with him, but not patronizing. As far as he understood from all of Brendon's 'Virgo' accusations, being patronizing was a facet of his personality that he could not avoid, but Ryan could at least try. Anyway - it was reassuring that he wasn't cut off, but only to a point. After all, it's not like Ryan was as easy to just cut off as everyone else. Brendon would have to fire him, which would take some explaining to his father, and then he'd have to sever all the connections Ryan had to his business, et cetera. It was a lot of work - maybe he wanted to cut Ryan off but just didn't want to go through the effort.

That was a reach, though. Probably. Fuckin’ brat isn’t used to criticism. Ryan smiled with them, a little more at ease, and found that Gabe's happier expressions really made the situation a lot more hopeful. In fact, he felt this weird sense of approval/encouragement just from the fact that Gabe was sort of joking around with him. Odd how quickly he wanted to impress a near-stranger. He alluded to his, uh, situation with said near-stranger, though, with no issue, and Gabe kind of laughed at him. Ryan had the decency to look sheepish. You’re not complaining about that, are you? This was about as good as Ryan could ever feasibly do. He shook his head profusely, knowing that was probably a rhetorical question but entirely unable to leave it alone. "Of course not," he said quickly. He'd probably be complaining if it was, like, bad in addition to torturing his psyche. Alas he was only suffering from the latter issue.

I know, dumbass. Jeez. Ryan was again on edge, basically controlled by Gabe's reactions at this point. I know that rich asshole, personally, and he and Brendon are nothing alike. Brendon is better. He deserves better- than me, than his dad, than you, than anyone. Ryan was nodding absently all the way through, knowing Gabe was right and wishing everyone else realised it, too. But there’s something about you he obviously can’t shake because he’s kept seeing you. You’re clearly important to him. Looking hopeful again, Ryan levelled his gaze with Gabe's, trying to take this in. So here was someone actually sensible, and they thought Brendon considered Ryan an important part of his life. He was truly elated, but it seemed too unrealistic for him to react in any way other than being stunned. Just don’t fuck it up. I mean it. Ryan nodded slowly, eyes softer. "I won't," he murmured, then tried more carefully. "I won't."

There was a pause where Ryan again stared at his moving fingers, but jumped a little when the door opened and Gabe stood like they'd practiced looking innocent. They looked enthused as ever, and Brendon looked beyond suspicious, but Ryan couldn't pull any innocuous act other than looking slightly ill. Hey, Gabe... hey, Ryan. What’re you guys doing here? Ryan had an excuse. He looked to Gabe to see how they'd get away with this, since they obviously would. They moved to him breezily, and Ryan remained seated, looking on resignedly - he didn't even offer a greeting beyond a nod in Brendon's direction, figuring Gabe's presence was more random and therefore them talking was more a point of interest. Just stopping by. Ran into your little boyfriend, too! Small world. Ryan's eyes widened as Brendon's rolled, trying not to stare too much after that comment - especially hard to do when Brendon looked the way he did today. Still very Brendon, perfect and put together, but sweeter, more casual. He glanced away as his jacket came off and landed over the seat back, leaning forward as if it had hit him on the way over.

Predictably, though, Gabe got away with it. Whatever, Gabriel. I’ll see you around, yeah? Text me. Not a question. Ryan couldn't imagine talking to them like that and looked on in wait for the argument - but there was none. He met their gaze for the last time before they started heading out. Try and keep it in your pants, Bden. Adios! Ryan looked embarrassed once again, even running his hand over his face like it could expel any blush that threatened to rise to his features. God fuckin’ damn, maybe I need to set stronger boundaries. Ryan finally looked up again, catching Brendon's smile a bit dazedly before remembering he really wasn't allowed to be like that and gave a nervous smile back. "Maybe. I liked them," he offered, watching as Brendon approached and placed his hands, gentle as ever, on Ryan's shoulders. Ryan's smile faded by a fraction and he turned his head somewhat, almost looking away but not quite.

Uh, so- what was that about? Ryan paused, trying to squash the spark of every dumb scenario playing in his head: Brendon leaning down to kiss him, or Ryan taking one of the hands on his shoulders, or standing to be closer to him otherwise. Stupid. "Um," he murmured, realizing belatedly that he hadn't come up with a good lie as of yet. "I think they just wanted to see what all this 'new PA' business was about. Gabe's really cool." He said that last part carefully. On his new 'trying not to sound like Brendon's mom' venture, there was no way he could blurt out his original Gabe's a really good friend, I'm glad you're close to them or something like it. "Anyway, uh, I got your suits, they're on the back of the door." Ryan brought a knee up to his chest and wrung his hands together around it, looking away again. "So, why're you back early? I thought you had things to do?"

city’s your playground | b&r

In the beginning, Ryan wasn't sure what he'd gotten himself into. He was sleeping with the son of one of the wealthiest people in the country, who held more power in one hand than anyone else Ryan knew collectively, and yet what he was worried about wasn't losing his job or financial instability or being on some rich dude's shit list. He was just scared of Brendon hating him. It seemed like he was well on his way to that, though, remembering the way Brendon looked at him after the first time. He was so hurt, like Ryan had truly hit a nerve for once. And then occasionally Ryan was still obvious about how he felt, what he thought about Brendon, et cetera - all without meaning to be, all in subtle shifts in expression or vocal tone, and when Brendon caught on he'd grow distant again. It was an awful cycle to be stuck in.

As much as he tried to circle the subject, look at it from every perspective, he could not, for the life of him, tell how Brendon felt. As far as Ryan knew, this was just an affair to him, no strings attached. There was the job, their professional life together, and then an after-hours where they slept together and went their separate ways. And maybe Brendon knew Ryan thought about him in a very different way - certainly he knew a lot of people felt some level of affection for him, after all - but it's not like that directly affected him until Ryan said something or acted on it, which he certainly wouldn't. Normally he could be at least a little assertive and straightforward (he was fairly monotonous either way; why address people differently) but around Brendon he became more awkward and stilted than usual, and Ryan especially didn't want to make himself vulnerable around him. Not just 'cause of the boss thing but the whole 'entirely-out-of-my-league' thing.

Are you sure? What I heard sounded pretty telling, and I heard it from Brendon, not my own intuition. Shit. So they did know things. But still - it was Brendon's perspective, and as much as Ryan liked him, he could be just a little short-sighted... though maybe it didn't apply here since no matter what way Ryan tried to forgive himself, he knew he hadn't done a thing right since he first ended up in Brendon's bed. That was the first mistake, and then it was confronting Brendon, and then it was not ending the affair as soon as possible. A series of bad choices had led him to this point, sitting in front of someone ready to tear him a new one because he had been more than sort of an asshole all along. Just saying he 'hadn't meant to be an asshole' didn't help much, either; that did nothing to reverse his invasion of Brendon's boundaries and making unfair, half-true at best, assumptions about him.

Despite his attempts at self-defense - or his preface to it, really - Gabe still looked unconvinced, gaze steely and fixed directly on him. Needless to say, Ryan was on edge. What was the point of this if he couldn't even convince himself he was right about the situation? By now all Ryan was doing was venting, not looking for acceptance. Not like there was anywhere else to go. It’s not empty. He’s not empty. He doesn’t need you to psychoanalyse him. Which Ryan did a fuckton of. Unwarranted. He shut his eyes tight for a second, guilty. He’s not empty, he just fills his life with questionable things, but who am I to judge him? Who are you? It’s not our place. They were right. These were Brendon's vices, his chosen 'sins' so to speak, and everyone had them to an extent. Ryan himself smoked on occasion, had more often since he came into money, barely saw a vegetable some weeks, or barely saw food some days with no mention of water. And he hadn't called any friends of his more than three times since he moved closer to Brendon. He wasn't healthy by any means, he just survived with convenience in mind.

We can advise, but don’t- before you go around giving him life advice, regain his trust. He doesn’t trust you right now. Ryan straightened up a little, meeting Gave's gaze properly and looking serious. "He doesn't - really? He doesn't trust me," Ryan echoed, going fast from focusing on Gabe to becoming disengaged and thoughtful, glancing off to the corner to consider this. It wasn't that hard to believe, really - he had, after all, betrayed Brendon's hard-earned trust. But he didn't think that essentially telling Brendon his recklessness was going to get him hurt, his callousness wasn't healthy, was that damaging to their established rapport. And are you better, Ryan? Though Ryan was already on his way to clarifying that he really and truly wasn't, he still quickly shook his head, looking ill. Gabe really knew how to hit the chinks in someone's armor, huh? He supposed he'd like that quality if he wasn't on the receiving end.

He stared at his hands again while Gabe looked him over, chin in hand like they were his psychiatrist. Maybe this was a session. He certainly wasn't feeling a lot better. Ryan sat back when they did, unconsciously mirroring their actions. So, Ryan- what do you want from Brendon? And don’t say nothing. You’re sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake. Ryan paused, studying Gabe carefully. Did they really think he had awful intent here? Did he look like some of the assholes Brendon pulled around? Before this, Ryan was fairly certain he sported the 'shrimpy nerd' look very well. Apparently he looked like a threat to Brendon goddamn Blake, though. "That doesn't mean he owes me anything," he said truthfully, his voice quieter. "Just, in a perfect world, it'd be nice if... he could like me back. If I had a chance, whatever. I don't know."

He shrugged, sliding down further in the chair and putting his arms on the rests tiredly. "That's what I want. Ideally, he could have any kind of interest in me that isn't - you know." Ryan tossed a glance towards the bed, reserved. "I mean, I'd settle for him being with anyone as long as he isn't alone anymore. And you know what I mean by 'alone' - he's surrounded by people now, sure, but you're the only one I've seen that actually gives a fuck. You came here." He told them. That's what made the difference. He realised all of this sounded like a huge 'nice guy' act and tried to backtrack a little, though really it was hard to make a save at this point. "It'd suck like hell, yeah, but I care about him, you know? I don't show it well, I say all the wrong things - which you heard, I guess - but I do. He's way more than some rich asshole's son." At some time during his long-winded speech Ryan had tucked his jaw into his hand and was resting his elbow on the armrest resignedly, body slanted while he supported the weight of his head. This all sounded like some really pretentious rom-com, but he couldn't say what he meant without that happening by chance. And Gabe appeared to be a little forgiving of his dumbassery, luckily.

I find it all so amusing || r&a

There were very few people Ari had the patience to interact with at all. His family got a free pass, generally. His dad, an artist, was comically slow in any engagement, where he first couldn't even come up with anything to talk about and then wasn't sure how to navigate any topics. His mom was short and to-the-point, a businesswoman, and that was how Ari liked it really, but he couldn't predict what she thought or autofill silences, so it was near-impossible to carry meaningful conversation with her, too. That said he wasn't sure why River's way of speaking didn't bother him too much. Sure, he could get a little irritated whenever River took ten sentences to make a five-word point, but it always ended up looking endearing anyway. And River's body language never really matched whatever he was talking about, but that was sort of cute, too, almost a puzzle he had to put together.

Despite how jumbled he was, Ari liked that he wasn't too complicated or difficult a person. As a matter of fact, River was beyond easy to be around. He forgave easily, felt deeply, and usually wore his heart on his sleeve, too - nothing for Ari to imagine or beat himself up over. He was hard to describe, mostly. The fact that he was beautiful and rare-looking was just an added bonus, something that caught Ari's eye and demanded his attention while Ari was made to warm up to his personality. Which, by the way, took absolutely no time at all. While at first it took him a while to even catch on to River's existence, when he did notice him, Ari was enamoured, practically breaking his neck to look at him when he passed in the halls or when they traded places in exam rooms or during lunch breaks where there schedules barely eluded the other.

Whatever the case may be, they always ended up in the same position; River in his arms, Ari characteristically taking the lead in guiding them into another stupid, compromising position. What they were doing was by no means smart or reason-driven, and yet he kept finding himself here, wanting to see more and more of River. Sometimes he even considered them just making it official, exclusive, then seeing each other regularly outside of work would be more easy on his mind - but neither of them would quit for this, realistically. So there was no point getting his hopes up. Probably. God, part of him still thought it'd be nice. Either way, he had no plans of asking or anything ridiculous like that any time soon, nor did he have any response in mind if ever River decided to take the leap himself (equally unlikely).

Look who’s talking. You asked for me on the intercom twice in five minutes. Must really need these documents- you know, the ones I sent you yesterday? Ari wasn't a fan of being made to look like the weak one here, but it was kind of very true. Nevertheless he still arched an affronted eyebrow at River, on the defensive in record time. "Maybe you gave me the wrong ones yesterday. See, how unprofessional of you," he replied smoothly, shaking his head and tutting like it was fact. He glanced over the papers again, slaying out the sheets with one hand. "Know what? They might actually be the wrong ones again. I may have to call you in again later." Ari was laughing softly behind his little speech, though, moreso at the way River was standing - arms crossed and head tilted, all that finesse - than he was at his own humor.

Regardless of whether all that was true or if he was annoyed by Ari's dumb attempts at a back-and-forth, River joined him, their hands linking and River's thumb smoothing over his hand. Ari softened immediately like that gesture alone was what charmed him, his gaze steady on River turning more gentle while he welcomed him into his chair. Let them come at me. Barely registering his words, Ari watched with bated breath as their hands went to River's chest, feeling the comforting drift of River's fingers through his hair and quickly relaxing into a kiss. He squeezed his hand briefly, affectionate, and when he ran out of air he dipped his head to tuck against River's neck, eyelashes fluttering against his jaw. After a pause he lifted his unoccupied hand to hold the side of River's face, thumb tracing the very edge of his features, and he met his gaze again following another chaste kiss. "Hi," he said belatedly, since they hadn't before. "I missed you. Been a long day."

mildly inspiring end | b&r

...Yeah, I think you’re calling me a little short, darlin’. Actually, Ryan wouldn't be surprised if Brendon really was conscious of every time he made Ryan re-fall in love with him all over again, or made him desperate to kiss him at very inopportune moments, or made him want to comfort Brendon and make him forget the world around him when he wore a face too hurt by it. Yeah, definitely sounded like Brendon to provoke these reactions on purpose. He shrugged against the sheets upon reconsideration, deciding that Brendon being self-aware was much worse than him not. At least with the latter he could act like he just felt the need to kiss him senseless rather than being bribed into it with a particular glance/smile/outfit. Actually, maybe this was less Brendon's fault than it was Ryan's for being so easily swayed - but he'd never admit that.

After an accusation like them switching roles - like Ryan would ever, or at least that's what he thought, but in practice if Brendon so much as requested it he'd probably go right ahead and trade - he demanded silence, and Brendon endearingly zipped his lips. So, of couse, he was instantly forgiven for being precious. Ryan was dangerously close to rolling his eyes at his adorable boyfriend but was distracted by Brendon catching his lip, leaning in to chase him and kiss him properly before he got too far away. Apparently, though, this was Brendon warming him up to a fun little story that he was totally going to hate, and Ryan quickly forgot all about how cute and sweet he thought Brendon was when he launched into a tale of drunken misadventures. He'd heard plenty, really - they just never ceased to be awful. Someone like Holden who milked them from Brendon perpetually could handle it, maybe, but Ryan had an ounce of compassion and care in his body, so.

This time it was a competition on who chugged a beer fastest, and Ryan thought distantly that he wouldn't've been impressed either way. Regardless, if he were there at the time, the contest wouldn't have even happened - Brendon probably wouldn't have a taste for the stuff yet. Well, he did. I was pissed at myself- my crown had fallen. Ryan scrunched up his face and pretended to suddenly be touch-averse when Brendon's hands landed on his shoulders, shrugging him off abruptly. The guy who proposed the bet, duh. Josh. Well, Josh’s friend. Did him, too. Did? That verb didn't fit anything else Brendon had just said. So it was something else. Ryan wondered why Brendon was trying to kill him. "'Did?' Sounds very romantic, baby, thank you for sharing." He shook his head in disbelief, wondering how it was possible for Brendon to shift moods so quickly.

Brendon happened to take his mocking well, and Ryan released a tiny exhale of relief. Sure, he knew their boundaries on jokes, but his tone tended to remain flat and he desperately needed inflection for that last one to really get across. You’re pretty much right. Listen, I was a young dumbass going through heartbreak, I adopted some pretty shit coping mechanisms. Ryan had too. He reminisced for a second, reflexively holding on to his other arm to feel the fat/muscle he'd regained over bone, thankfully. But I had some damn good times. You missed out, being single is fun. "Yeah? If you keep telling me stories about you fucking other people, you might go back to that super fun lifestyle," he consoled Brendon, smiling enthusiastically. He still looked pretty entertained by how awful Brendon could be at choosing his words wisely, though, so there was apparently no harm done.

Especially because moments later Ryan felt the pressure against his hips again and raised a hand quickly to rest against Brendon's chest, lips parting. But it’s much nicer to have someone who knows me as well as you do, baby. I love you. Ryan sucked his teeth, his go-to 'shut up' noise. "Oh, fuck you," he breathed, barely resisting a grin. "You totally miss Josh and his friend. I love you." So weird. He curled his hand in the fabric of Brendon's shirt to pull him in for a kiss, a lustful subtext there that he most definitely wouldn't be addressing given the circumstances. Which, he still needed to get back at Brendon, and the only way he could come up with was by playing along a little. "By the way, I would definitely win that competition, who can chug a beer the fastest. Ever seen a first time drinker? One drink goes so quick."

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

It was bizarre to see Brendon so strangely quiet and slow, because usually Ryan woud have no way of justifying calling him 'gentle.' He had sweet words and actions plenty of the time but this was different, keeping in pace with the environment around them, as easy as the lake water ripples. It was a change from the norm but Ryan would have appreciated any affection either way - whatever Brendon had to show was, of course, always welcome. Personally Ryan himself was always either painfully obvious or irritatingly subtle. He could show a pitiful weakness for Brendon's general allure one moment, then in the next it was hard for him to find the proper words to express his love for him, and predictably without the right words, Ryan wouldn't want to say anything at all. Thankfully, he'd picked Brendon of all people, and Brendon was about the only person in the entire world who could deal with Ryan's perfectionism and strictness with emotional expression.

Lucky for both of them, Ryan didn't feel any such reservation tonight or even lately - he blamed it on the whole anniversary thing. As it were, anything involving Brendon or him and Brendon together tended to make him a whole lot easier to handle as a person. You’re gorgeous. Ryan raised an eyebrow right back at Brendon, mirroring his daring face, and one corner of his mouth twitched up in amusement. So he heard that kind of thing a lot - along with too many kind words about his eyes, or his height, or his hands, or his voice, or... - but it never ceased to flatter him. That was unbelievably fortunate, really, because he figured if it'd been anyone else, Ryan would get used to being called some variation of 'handsome.' Brendon, though, was breathtaking beyond words, so it was like visiting the Louvre and all of the art just told you how beautiful you were. With a thought like that, Ryan thought maybe he could win this little competition Brendon apparently wanted to have, but he just pursed his lips for a second before letting his smirk break into a grin. "No, you," he murmured, because he thought he was so funny. It was, needless to say, a little out of place amongst all of Brendon's generosity.

Moments later, Brendon's head was against his chest, and Ryan felt this odd sense of attachment from nowhere. He'd never experienced it so strongly before, this need to be as close to him as possible, and he wasn't sure what set the precedent for it - after all they were about as physically close as could be. Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon in an effort to sate the need, a little taken aback that he was allowed to still when usually Brendon would've protested the cuddling by now, but it wasn't quite enough. Nevertheless Ryan let his eyes fall shut, at peace for once. I know. Thank god. Sometimes Ryan thought maybe he really was too vague for Brendon to realize his worth, but. An 'I know' as assured as that one was what he'd wanted to hear for a long time. He smiled encouragingly before tucking in to the crook of Brendon's shoulder, feeling less and less like two separate entities as time went on, more like one joined soul.

Ryan figured coming back here was what had driven Brendon's new mood, but maybe it was getting to him, too. He hadn't expected his own anxiety about anything and everything to dissipate entirely like it had, nor had he anticipated being patient and not-annoying the whole time they'd been here thus far - usually Ryan fit in at least one pessimistic control-freak episode a day on average (and only a majority of the time was he by himself when it came around). But out here, away from everything bad and with all the good the world had to offer him, things were alright. Maybe. Sounded a little reserved. Ryan shot Brendon a curious look, the joke over, wondering if maybe there really was something up. Brendon was a good actor, though, so if there was something really bad that he was trying to keep to himself, he would be able to. Ryan was likely just imagining things; probably his dumb brain trying to make him worry, as usual, over nothing.

I- I guess it recently hit me. Forever. It doesn’t scare me anymore. Ryan gave him a reassuring look, glad that he was even able to say that - he'd come a long way, and it was still impressive even if a sizable amount of time had passed. "Me, neither," he replied breezily, remembering his own uncertainty, albeit having been in a less significant amount. He watched as Brendon's hand drifted up to run through his hair, and knew this was less of a compulsion than it was a way to keep himself occupied. Maybe admitting that he wasn't afraid was just as scary. Ryan skewed up his face, sympathetic, and then reached out to take his hand instead, entwining their fingers and smoothing his thumb over Brendon's comfortingly. It's almost everything I could ever want.

Originally Ryan assumed that he'd gotten on the subject of 'forever' simply because he'd also happened to bring up their, in Brendon's words, 'mishap,' but now it was going on for a little too long, suspiciously so. Ryan felt a sudden flutter in his stomach despite not quite having put two and two together yet, only stuck on watching the meaningful way Brendon looked at him. This had to be... but probably not. The timing was perfect, the location was perfect, the mood was perfect... but there's no way Brendon was beating him to the chase, was he? Ryan tried to contain the shock/excitement/bewilderment/pure happiness cocktail that was bubbling up in his mind to keep it off of his expression, but maybe a little was showing through. To hide the lovestruck glimmer in his eyes he blinked a few times profusely, attention dropping to Brendon's lips if only to keep from meeting his serious gaze. "I'm glad you say that, baby. I - I dream about it, honestly. 'Forever.'" His nervous-happy smile matched about how silly those words sounded, admitting how often he saw them being all domestic in his sleep, but. As long as they were both being vulnerable, here.

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

Wow. You’re not meant to agree with me. Ryan laughed, shrugging as best he could against the grass. It was the truth, although he had little doubt in his mind that the universe might have drawn them together in some manner anyway if Brendon's hypothetical scenario had been true. Maybe Ryan would've stopped him at a signing after the show just because Brendon could get away with it, he was that cute. Or if they got a picture together he'd run through Instagram tags to find where he'd posted it, contact him. Honestly, as far and away as these other potential meetings could get, all seemed plausible. As perfect for each other as they seemed to be in Ryan's mind, it was unlikely they could have ever ended up in a place other than with each other. There were very few things he had confidence about, but their relationship was something he was certain of.

Brendon drawing him in to all these kisses was fairly unprecedented, given that he was beyond boring in this most serene mood, but welcome. Ryan chased a little after each, tilting his chin up and just barely lifting from the ground. I just thought it up now, y’like it? He laughed again, warm. "You're cute," he observed, tilting to watch as Brendon laid next to him (and, Ryan noticed gratefully, took great care to set down the guitar). His smile turned more fond when Brendon tangled up with him, fingers passing through his hair comfortingly, and he extended his own arm to cushion Brendon's head. I can’t believe it’s been so long. Ryan nodded a bit, a silent 'I know' playing on his lips. Fuck, I love you. So much. For no reason at all, Ryan suddenly felt a little lost for words, and his somewhat stunned expression reflected that. His lips remained parted for a few moments before he blinked at Brendon, realizing he'd sort of been staring as if he hung the stars. "I love you, too." Naturally, his voice was equally gentle, always mirroring Brendon's.

Since our little mishap, I haven’t once considered sharing my life with anybody else. Ryan grinned again, briefly, amused by the wise choice of words. That's really all it'd been, anyway; a mishap. He remembered being at that party, the exact moment he realised neither of them had actually ever wanted to be apart. Just a mistake, the shortest-lived lapse of judgment. It bothered him for a long time, but looking back, he was glad that he hadn't argued or fought with Brendon over initially wanting to break up - if he tried to convince Brendon that commitment wasn't that scary, or something, who knows how they would've turned out? Hearing him out on his fears and respecting them meant that both of them got some time to themselves to really consider whether being together was the right thing to do. So it was a setback, sure, but they grew from it, and Ryan thought that without it, they wouldn't know for certain like they do now - and they probably wouldn't be lying out here, stuck in the moment.

You’re the one I wanna be with, for as long as you’ll have me. Ryan's eyes were practically glittering, completely enchanted by Brendon's words. He was easy, sure, but Brendon was naturally charming like that, anyway. Something was a little off, though - not necessarily in a bad way, but Ryan couldn't help but notice how gentle Brendon was being, how uncharacteristic he was acting. Maybe this was the effect of the cabin, the nostalgia. Weird, Ryan never pegged him to be so crushingly sentimental. Either way he didn't fit in a response before Brendon was leaning in again, and Ryan held the back of his head while they kissed, laughing softly against his skin when Brendon's attention moved to his jaw instead. "Forever," he answered meaningfully, closing his eyes, hand going slack against Brendon's neck. "I'll be with you forever."

He pressed his lips to Brendon's neck briefly, feeling calm as ever. The difference wasn't quite shocking enough to raise concern, anyway. "Thought I was the writer," he joked, falling back to look at Brendon again, a smile permanently on his face now. "Everything okay? Has coming back here made you softer?" A slight laugh touched his voice, 'cause he was sure in a couple hours or less Brendon would be rampant again.