jakob

city’s your playground | b&r

Their situation was always, always nice, in the moment. Ryan was always happy with Brendon, comfortable and relieved - and then sometimes he made the mistake of looking back or reflecting too heavily on them. They were physically intimate, only sometimes vaguely romantic and it was always subtextual, never discussed, but the heartwrenching piece was how much of Ryan's imagination was involved. It was almost unfair to Brendon, the level at which he romanticized the two of them; if they were kissing, it was more to him than just that, and when he had to get up and go once they'd calmed down it felt unnatural to return to his own apartment. Ryan knew what they really were, he knew their situation and how comfortable Brendon was with how things went - and yet he kept up maintaining this fantasy that they were 'together' to any extent.

It sounds sad, really, but those were just the facts; some moments, though, it became easier to play out his imagination without it seeming too far-fetched. Unfortunately still unfair to Brendon no matter how he went about it, though. Brendon was looking for a personal assistant (or at least his father was) and he'd ended up with this pining companion, way too obvious about it all. Then, sometimes, it was like they balanced out, and both of them were on the same page. Like now: Brendon had suddenly actually opened up to him, and had been gentle all throughout, not to mention the fact that Gabe had even admitted he saw Brendon differently from everyone else. At times like this Ryan thought maybe they weren't so out of sync, like maybe he wasn't so crazy for seeing something between them.

But realistically he pretty much was. So he kept quiet. It's not like it was something that wouldn't pass. It’s okay. Just- everything’s getting to me, and that- it was on my mind, constantly. Ryan nodded intently, waiting for more because this was such a rare moment for Brendon, he never, ever opened up anything, but it never came. Instead he lifted his arms as his shirt came free, torn between trying to keep him talking and going along with what they'd escalated to. Seemed like he couldn't really manage both. Brendon was shaking his head like it was all behind him and Ryan pursed his lips, knowing he couldn't get away with pressing but staying mostly still anyway. That was another thing - he tended to get a little too caught up in everything but the real part of their relationship, which, right now, was calling for his input. Ryan appeared a little too preoccupied to actually act much.

Instead he shivered at every touch, eyes glued to Brendon while his hands moved expertly over skin he likely already knew all too well. You know, one of these days you’re gonna have to learn to take a shirt off. Brendon didn't seem actually bothered but Ryan still got self-conscious suddenly, realising he'd definitely not been putting in the same amount of effort, and grinned sheepishly against Brendon's lips. He slipped his hand up beneath his shirt immediately, glad he'd gone for casual rather than the full suit today, urging the fabric up to his sternum and splaying his hands over Brendon's chest. "Sorry. You're distracting." He started teasing Brendon's shirt up further, laughing gently while he tried prompting him to lift his arms.

Ryan was practically incapable of anything when the unheard of soft kisses drifted to his cheekbone, letting them trail until the last moment when he turned to catch Brendon's lips again, fighting a smile. ...You’re so damn pretty. It’s becoming an issue for me, you know. "I am?" Ryan asked incredulously - very smooth. It was just the first thing he blurted out, since his dumb brain tended to focus on being self-deprecating, whatever. The thing was, Brendon was about the most handsome person he'd ever seen, practically princely, and he knew he wouldn't be able to say it out loud without sounding like he was... serious about all this, or something. He skipped over all that, tried again. "An issue. How so? Feel free to do whatever you want about it." Ryan lifted his chin slightly, bold - somewhat forced boldness, but still.

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

When Brendon smiled but turned in to hide it, Ryan's hand looped around him followed, brushing his knuckles absently against what of his cheekbone was visible. Pretty difficult to watch that without a fond grin rising to his own features. Very articulate, baby. Yeah, well. Sometimes Ryan even resorted to the classic 'your mom,' and that was just as well received. He looked the same as Brendon relaxed, eyes slipping shut until Ryan thought maybe he would actually fall asleep in this position, and really, he had zero protest about that. Staying up and watching the stars - or just his boyfriend, realistically - with his fingertips running through Brendon's hair, that was ideal. Just in case, Ryan made sure to stay quiet, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before settling back passively.

Moments later, though, he was acting a little odd, but Brendon was pretty odd himself, so he let it be. You never were. Ryan begged to differ. At one point he'd been a little scared, at least. But definitely not to the same extent as Brendon, and not enough to take action like he had, understandably so. Even still, he didn't argue, just positioned himself a little more on his side to watch Brendon once he lifted off. It was always me, being stupid. I don’t know why I ever thought I didn’t want to spend my entire life with you. So there didn't have to be a specific reason, necessarily, anyone could be afraid of committing to anyone regardless of who they were. Ryan, though, felt a little sorry for Brendon, 'cause he was barely able to stand himself sometimes. But if he said that then he was fairly certain it'd both ruin the moment and fuel Brendon's unending sweetness, so he kept it to himself.

Ryan still wasn't expecting much when they joined hands, and still didn't suspect much when Brendon kissed him spontaneously. He played along, though, even when Brendon did it again, and then the possibility of what Brendon might have planned for them dawned on him. He'd honestly expected to be the one to do it, but... this was even better. Ryan would probably write and rewrite and forget some script he made for himself, or take months to find the right ring, or extensively plan out when and where it'd take place... yeah, his proposal would've been way too far-fetched. Brendon was always better at romantic. He was thoughtful and sweet and somehow knew how to go about everything on the first try; Ryan's rough drafts were rarely anything to get excited about. Anyway. That was maybe what was happening. They'd gotten to the point where they could, like, read each other's thoughts, but he still had his doubts about his own judgment.

Brendon's hand tightened on his, and Ryan kept running his thumb over his skin as comfortingly as he could, almost-barely laughing in a rush of air primarily from disbelief. It hadn't even happened and they were both so... well. Anxiety and excitement were two very different emotions. Poor Brendon. He dwelled on maybe just saying 'yes' prematurely to save him some suffering, but that was too easy. And he still could be wrong, honestly. I- listen. He was, god. Ryan nodded intently, his eyes dropping to their hands momentarily He maintained a solid grip on Brendon's hand, attempting to ground him from shaking. It’s funny, because, back when we first fell in love here, I would never have thought about doing this. Ryan nodded again, his lips parting while he listened, 'cause this was really happening. He couldn't process much, but he knew he agreed; he knew they were in it for the long run but he hadn't even considered the marriage aspect.

I thought ‘forever’ was so- terrifying. Overwhelming. And maybe it is a lot, but I don’t care anymore. One edge of Ryan's mouth twitched up in another sort-of laugh before returning to the focused expression he wore before, because it was funny how eloquently Brendon was putting his own thoughts into words. I love you, more than anything, you’re the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than by your side. Forever. Forever. So that word was theirs now. He nodded seriously all the way through, forgetting he wasn't just listening until he came to at the end of Brendon's speech. "I love you, too," he murmured very gently, eyes glittering enthusiastically but the rest of his face otherwise entirely still. Brendon appeared to be suppressing a smile, all energy, and Ryan couldn't help but start to mirror him.

He was shifting, and Ryan kept his eyes on Brendon's face until their hands separated. Partially terrified, partially ecstatic, Ryan sat up a little further, blinking quickly when he looked between Brendon and the ring in his hands. I want you to marry me, darling. He didn't even have to ask, but Ryan supposed a formality made it more official. Even so, he couldn't help breaking out into a grin, leaning in and pressing their foreheads together for a count of Mississippi before pulling back and presenting his hand. "And I want you to marry me," he replied, reaching his unoccupied right hand to curl around the back of Brendon's head and pull him closer for a kiss. He glanced down at the ring again after a few moments, overwhelmed by the fullness in his chest, and laughed against Brendon's cheek. "Can't believe you're so sneaky. I had no idea." He'd already said it, like, thirty times, but. "God, I love you so much. We're fiancés. How long did you - I mean, when did you even start planning...?" And he still had to get an engagement ring for Brendon. The premise was about as exciting as all of this - almost.

say what you mean ; b&r ; tell me i’m right

I was stupid. Ryan could argue that a bit - Shane was manipulative. Brendon wasn't stupid for falling for what must have been an initially very charming and likeable guy. It's not like I loved him. I barely even liked him. I was stupid for dating him in the first place. Ryan nodded slightly, understanding, and he was happy to hear his suspicions were confirmed. It was petty and pretty immature, but whenever Ryan won out in their arguments and Brendon took his side, he knew Brendon must not actually like him - or at least, he preferred to be around Ryan. Being the 'favorite' was a really stupid premise, but it was the only way he could bear Shane for as long as he did: all along, Brendon had mediated them and it worked out, usually, in Ryan's favor. Despite Shane's charm, he couldn't make a new artificial relationship mean more to Brendon than a longterm, carefully built friendship.

He didn't want to talk about him for this long, though, didn't even like thinking about him when Shane randomly crossed his mind on normal days, so he let it be. Hell, he figured Brendon must be sick of talking about him; he'd separated from him a week ago, and that was supposed to be the end of Shane being in his life, preferably forever. Thankfully despite Ryan's usually dubiously worded apologies it got across to Brendon, and he looked less on edge, reassuring. It’s okay, I forgive you for that- I wouldn’t want to be around Shane for another second any more, either. Ryan grinned, almost wishing that, if that were true, then they could go back in time and he would bring Brendon with him. But he already knew his efforts to convince Brendon to get out of there were fruitless before, so he certainly wouldn't just obediently follow him to escape the relationship. He felt corny thanking Brendon for his forgiveness out loud and instead opted to communicate it with his expression before he ducked his head again.

The rest of this, though, was utterly confusing. Ryan had no idea whether his gauges on Brendon's reactions were inaccurate or if he really was this affected by the news of Ryan trying to fix his little (huge) issue. But he had no idea why. And when he was asked for more information, he was instantly on the defensive, which was certainly not the right way to answer - it was entirely unwarranted. He immediately regretted it when Brendon looked slightly remorseful, because he had no real reason to be - Ryan had just been making unfounded assumptions, giving in to his irrational anxiety. That’s not what it is, I don’t need my ego stroked or anything- Ryan took advantage of his moment of hesitation to seize opportunity, knowing the surge of courage that he was suddenly gifted with was a rare event. He believed Brendon, obviously, because he wasn't that serious about what could only be described as an accusation moments ago, but he'd already been on a tangent.

It’s easy to pretend. How did he relate, exactly? Ryan nodded slowly, looking vulnerable before he corrected himself, breathing out heavily and resettling against the cushions. He wasn't even looking right at him when he said I like you, Ryan, but instantly raised his attention to Brendon's face, waiting for the punchline. Another distant thought: this was so high school, so ridiculous that they had to make these confessions to each other like it was passing notes in class. But mostly he was taken aback, not quite wide-eyed and open-mouthed with shock but more just stunned looking, because for as long as he'd known Brendon he figured he was incapable of that. Much less... admitting to it. And the timing was incredibly convenient. He wasn't sure he counted as a 'rebound' after such an awful couple, but. He wasn't sure what to think at all, about any of this.

Brendon sat up almost confidently but Ryan stayed glued to his relaxed position, betraying his gradually faster heart. Like... Really. I want- I want to date you, Ryan, it’s always been you, I want someone to call my own and be with in every way and I don’t want that unless it’s with you. But. He'd never thought that before. How was being stuck in a loveless partnership so enlightening that he realized he preferred Ryan? Mostly Ryan just thought that... he had a wide spectrum of people to choose from, and picking him was some kind of joke, or he was trying to pander to Ryan's emotions. But the sound of his voice... there was nothing fake about that. I chose Shane because I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt you, or myself, and when I broke up with him I thought I no longer had a chance, but- Ryan sort of understood that. It'd hurt like hell if he had to split from his best friend. He thought he'd been welcoming enough, open arms and all, but even that wasn't enough to guarantee Brendon - who'd never been in this situation, ever - security.

You still like me. You feel the same. I- I’m just sorry it took so long. Ryan hadn't moved since hearing those first four words, and he knew he had to after Brendon exposed himself that way, but it still felt surreal. He had no idea how to take this. Maybe if he had, like, a lifeline, but pressing pause and going can I call a friend didn't seem like a great idea. The situation was so bizarre, such a long shot from when he still called Brendon 'sir' and just went home when Brendon didn't immediately need him. And it was an even farther shot from the detached, careless man-child he'd first met, first seen in tabloids. "Brendon..." he started, very intelligently, and was pretty sure his mouth was entirely dry. "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say that." So long that he'd discovered a tiny speech alone could make him feel like he'd just run a marathon. How had he come to this from planning a casual date?

He remembered removing himself as quickly as possible from Brendon's bed or his couch or whatever place they could find just to avoid the inevitable intimacy he'd want to give in to. He remembered being careful not to show signs of his intense crush after their first time, with him acting stupidly entitled to some kind of relationship - and even with that much care he still couldn't get his work done at least thirty percent of the time. He remembered when they were kissing for no reason other than as a preface and he'd imagine so much more meaning behind it, pretend they ever had a chance in his head. And now he did. It didn't sit with him right, though, and no matter how he would potentially go about this, he knew Brendon would feel like making himself vulnerable that way just for Ryan to be uncertain was a personal attack, or something. After all, although this wasn't an outright rejection, Brendon wasn't used to anything that wasn't instant gratification.

And he wanted so, so badly to give him that anyway. But if the anxiety again whispering 'what if's and 'maybe's to him was right, he'd just get hurt more than ever before. "I - I do. I do still like you. But I don't know if... you really feel the same." He felt awful. "What am I supposed to say, Bren? I pine after you for months and it -" He cut himself off before he went into too much detail about how that felt, redirecting. "You tell me you like me after I always thought it was impossible, you never would..." He remembered how he'd talked about why he picked Shane, suddenly related more than ever. "I'm scared, too," he said honestly, quiet as ever. "I could come back, and you realise you just missed the company, misinterpreted things. What then?" He was so, so impressed by how open Brendon had been - but when it was under probably false ideals, it was hard to say right out.

say what you mean ; b&r ; tell me i’m right

I broke up with him a week ago today. Ryan looked at him for a long moment, waiting for his gaze to return from its guilty drop to the couch cushions, but it didn't. Surely he'd known, in part, that Shane was the issue, so why didn't he tell Ryan earlier and spare both of them that time apart? But that was hypocritical thinking Ryan quickly forgot; after all he could've taken the initiative and actually had a full conversation with Brendon, be it over text or by phone call or in person. Or he just could've stopped by, at least, checked in on things like he got the urge to do constantly. Although Brendon didn't know this part of the problem, Ryan wasn't so sure that even if he had known he would've come back so soon. A week ago he still stayed up to ungodly hours just to avoid dreaming about Brendon, or something about the two of them together. Now he still didn't sleep much - but not for fear of what might come into his head; he just didn't make very good choices by his lonesome.

After scanning his body language, Ryan figured maybe he didn't want to know why Brendon hadn't told him. He just... worried a lot. Who did Brendon go to when it happened? Did he think it was out of line or something to come to Ryan for consolation - if he'd needed it, anyway? Ryan wore the guilt on his face but tried to suppress it - they both already knew well enough how bad a friend he'd been, he just didn't know how to address it. "Oh," he said simply, then thought of trying to say anything else alongside that, but his jaw just set tightly and he couldn't formulate something meaningful. "Well, I'm still glad you did it. I'm- I'm proud of you, for being able to." His voice dropped somewhat because he felt silly saying it, like maybe this wasn't such a big deal to Brendon and he was making a mountain out of a molehill, but it was the truth. No harm in saying what he thought when it was just this.

The speed at which Brendon cut in to his explanation definitely meant he wasn't happy with the speech, impatient to know why he'd been betrayed, probably. Ryan couldn't blame him. And partially what else? That prompted him to rush a little more through his words - and as a result he didn't elaborate much on what he was saying. So Brendon didn't look like he bought it completely. In all fairness, Ryan vaguely made it seem as if his disapproval of Brendon's obviously temporary boyfriend was what could be hurting Brendon; rather he figured if he criticized yet another choice Brendon had made for and of himself, that would bring him right back to the start where he'd lost all of his trust in a matter of maybe thirty minutes, max. The premise wasn't exactly him being an asshole to Shane being the problem - it was how he'd look not liking, yet again, something Brendon had done out of his own free will. He was only a little sure that it was fair to do that with a choice as awful as Shane, at the time.

Why didn’t you tell me this when you asked me for time off? 'cause then he'd have to tell Brendon everything else, and when he left two weeks ago, he was still too deeply invested in how he felt and continued to feel that he couldn't say it to Brendon's face. It wasn't fair to him at all. I needed you, you know. Shane was a dick, sure, but- I think it was a little dramatic to just up and leave with no context. He nodded hastily, and it was Ryan's turn to look down, timid. "I know," he said just as quietly, matching the lowness of Brendon's voice. His own inability to talk to Brendon about his stupid prolonged crush wasn't an excuse for that - it'd been selfish. Most anyone could set aside their own feelings for a second to help their friend. Ryan was, apparently, not quite that emotionally mature, and all the same, selfish. May as well own up to it. "I wasn't even thinking about how inconsiderate it was, at the start. I just. Did what I thought was best for me. I'm so sorry, Bren, it was... beyond selfish."

That aligned with his last confession seemed to stun Brendon, and he wasn't exactly surprised, but. Really. There was no way Brendon was going to pretend he hadn't known precisely what was going on... unless there was another part other than just how Ryan'd felt about him that was shocking. After a moment he looked incredibly small, vulnerable, and the image of Ryan kissing the hurt look off his face passed through his head momentarily, vivid enough that he furrowed his brow and focused on not thinking so stupidly again. And even though he'd imagined fixing the issue, Brendon still looked slightly defeated, and concern rose to Ryan's face when he registered Brendon's normally perfect lips grew red with the nervous bite he'd ben applying. Finally for reasons other than his silly attraction - maybe a 60/40 split, the latter for his reasonable worry - Ryan couldn't take his eyes off of Brendon's mouth, and he registered distantly how much his chest ached.

Would you- if me and Shane stayed together, you’d still have come back, right? Ryan mulled that over, but it was an easy answer. He loved Brendon far more than he hated Shane - and that was a substantial amount. He couldn't have left him alone for that long, as much as he'd toyed with the supposedly 'smarter' idea of resigning and walking away from it all. "Yeah. I know I would have," he murmured genuinely, so prolonged because a simple 'yes' would probably have made Brendon doubtful. And... You want to get over me? Why? I- Thus far Ryan had felt miserable most of the time, but at this he felt somewhat irritated while he put the pieces together. Brendon had made it clear he wasn't ready, didn't want to, would never want to, whatever. So if this of all things was what alarmed him surely the only value he had in Ryan being head over heels for him was the fact that it was another ego boost.

That wasn't him, though, and Ryan knew it, so his reaction made no sense. On the off chance that it was true and Brendon didn't know how much it had been eating Ryan up while his confidence was raised, he felt an all new kind of hurt - and that was just from his own lengthy speculation. Are you over me? After everything, Ryan was completely uncomfortable being asked questions about it even if he had finally mustered up the courage to admit to how he felt. He shifted a little, unsure. "Don't you want me to be?" he asked quietly, and it sounded more hurt than he'd intended. He wasn't, really. Maybe when he initially discovered that Brendon didn't want anything serious with him, or every confirming incident after that, but not anymore - it'd weakened to this dull feeling rather than his previous constant heartache. "It's not like I have a chance. If you just want, like, the satisfaction of knowing I... feel the way I do, then... I'm sorry. It hurts too much." He didn't really mean it. He still knew that wasn't even within the realm of likely behavior for Brendon, at least not anymore. He'd just turned defensive out of instinct.

And the remorse he felt from that, well. All the protective walls crumbled, and he lost his brief boldness. "I'm not," he said as quietly as possible, nearly a whisper. He felt a little badly for it, just dropping this on Brendon who could do nothing to help him. But he'd asked, for god knows what reason, so. "I tried, and it's easy to pretend, but I'm not." This was, needless to say, making his act harder to perform, though. He willed Brendon to please stop looking like that, because the more Ryan talked the more he wanted to hold onto him and comfort him endlessly, the idea a familiar one.

say what you mean ; b&r ; tell me i’m right

Something about the way Brendon was looking at him... he'd never felt it before. Not just from him, but ever. He wasn't being too obvious about it, just looked a little stunned, which could either be a part of what was making him nervous or, well, the fact that Ryan had made some serious changes about an hour previous. The stubble, he'd just decided to leave rather than risk looking even more ridiculously like a teenager; the clothes Spencer had chosen and were very out of his usual fashion scope. So he could understand if Brendon was a little taken aback. Ryan entertained the briefest thought that maybe he might like the changes, maybe these should stay permanent - but it was really weird to value his opinion on whether or not he thought he looked good if he had been trying to separate himself from his feelings for so long. He never had a chance, even if he'd made some minor improvements.

Brendon sat opposite him so Ryan brought up his legs to sit in a pretzel while he faced him, wringing his hands around his knee by habit. He felt a weight off his shoulders when Brendon finally smiled back, even looking like he found Ryan's ridiculous grocery situation funny, and Ryan relaxed a little, thinking it couldn't be so bad if he could eke some amusement from him. No thanks, I’ve got to drive home. Ryan laughed easily, leaning his side against the back of the couch and tilting his head at Brendon. It was really hard to ignore the past, now, and evidently he was more stuck in it than he thought. He found himself charmed by the same old quick humor, the sweet features, the way if he smiled genuinely enough his eyes crinkled up endearingly. So Ryan looked at his hands instead to avoid danger.

Ryan certainly hadn't expected to be confusing, but, yeah, talking like he did made it sound as if he'd ignored the simpler choice of just staying around. He supposed he never really did get a chance to explain in full what'd happened, and he probably never would, considering revealing how he'd felt would just be a fruitless endeavor. Even if he and Shane ever ended things, Ryan was sure Brendon wouldn't be interested in experimenting with the whole dating thing again. Why- why haven’t you come back? Why did you leave in the first place? Ryan's natural smile faded somewhat at his tone, although the questions themselves were innocent on their own. He opened his mouth to probably stutter something nonsensical out before Brendon continued. ...Okay, yeah, Shane, he’s a fucker. I dumped him- by the way.

Ryan's face didn't change, but he was appalled. Not that things looked all sunshine and rainbows when he left, but the timing was so convenient that Ryan figured maybe him not being there to help was what pushed Brendon to his limit. On one hand it was great that things were over. On the other... the ending to that story must have been painful, because Shane was a sadistic little shit. "Just now, you dumped him? Jesus. I was wondering why you looked sort of anxious. Not like you. Congratulations, then. I'm sure he didn't take it well." So that made sense, he guessed. Brendon gets through an undoubtedly messy episode, comes here and looks way out of his wits. It was getting better, though, Ryan thought he could tell, so maybe coming here was the best thing to do. He was oddly proud of him - it was no easy feat to leave someone who simultaneously built you up and brought you way, way down when they needed to control you.

"But, um. It was... partially him. I didn't want to upset you, being... the way I was around him." He picked at a thread in his jeans, knowing that barely made sense, but. "I wasn't sure if I could come back and, like, be different. Calmer. So I was working on that. But, for what it's worth, I still want to beat his ass." He'd started to look up, and smiled sheepishly at the last words, definitely having held that one in for a while - except for probably half-empty threats directed at Shane himself. His smile gradually diminished into a more reserved expression, uncertain. It's not like Brendon didn't know. There was no harm in saying the other truth. "And I was trying to get over you, so that it was easier to see you with him. I've been afraid that, if I came back, I'd just feel the same all over again." He looked off at the opposite wall, knowing Brendon couldn't do anything about that, so there was no point - but he'd asked. And at least he had made some of the slightest actual progress to show for in getting past what he felt - he'd had a date planned... 'til he cancelled for Brendon. Shit. Anyway, he hadn't stared, or anything similarly embarrassing, at least. He sucked in a breath, all trapped energy. "I think I can come back, though. I mean, I’d like to.”

say what you mean ; b&r ; tell me i’m right

In the beginning he had no direction. He wasn't sure what his life was like before his routine was filled with Brendon, Brendon, Brendon - make sure he had as few family visits as possible, make sure he didn't make too big an ass of himself in front of media, manage his accounts so he didn't act too chaotic, et cetera. And then it was showing up to meet him every night if he wasn't already there, and ignoring how much he wished he could kiss him during the day, too, and constantly denying his own pretty obvious feelings for him. At some point he'd gotten the hang of it so well that it was no longer a job. He liked calling up stupid reporters and settling with them to dilute a Brendon story. He liked hunting down designers and trying to convince them that, no, Brendon wasn't going to be in any movie or make any music, but he was still a public figure and here's lots of money. And he liked sitting there for hours managing the business his father had pushed on him and reading boring property terms, whatever was necessary, because he preferred for Brendon's life to be as stress-free as possible.

And that was dramatic to say, but true. He was a student not really sure he wanted to get another degree because he'd used up his scholarship, and he still had to live with his father half the time because he was broke, and he couldn't even get hired part-time. Between basically taking care of his dad and running off to Spencer's, he didn't do much else, and the busy routine was welcome. As much as it seemed like Ryan did for Brendon, Brendon had given him a way out of what looked like a directionless life. He'd figured he could get by on royalty checks, maybe busking, and now here he was - finishing tasks he didn't mind at all for a very unreasonable amount of compensation. Plus, Brendon was the first person he'd felt this way about, and some actual emotion - as opposed to his old superficial relationships, or the flat platonic friendships - was a nice change.

So letting that go was hard. He hadn't even resigned and it felt like the biggest loss of his life. Brendon was within, like, ten minutes of him, not even that, and he felt so far. And they were still friends, Ryan was just ridiculously sensitive and it wasn't that easy to get himself under control; even with the easy access to texts he hadn't taken advantage of it or seized any opportunity to reconnect. He was scared. He could go back and mess up again, disappoint Brendon by not being able to accept his boyfriend, or his feelings would rise right back to the surface and he'd have to ignore himself again, or any other weird fictional disaster he tortured himself thinking about. It was the balance, between those possibilities and the fact that he missed Brendon so much that it hurt, which he struggled with. And here he was, just a few months ago not caring about anything; now he'd distanced himself from it so long that all he did was worry.

Brendon looked weirdly underdressed for, well, Brendon, no suit or anything luxurious and regal. Then again, it probably would've been harder for him to get there without being recognised... or he had to make a quick escape from his apartment. Ryan just hoped he wouldn't have to hunt Shane down. Uh- yeah. Are you- are you busy? Ryan considered him for a moment, his expression softening. He wasn't dressed the same as usual, oddly casual, and he looked weirdly nervous for someone who Ryan thought could never be that anxious. His priorities weren't in going to this date, they were all about Brendon. After a brief pause, Ryan smiled reassuringly again, shaking his head. "No, I'm free," he said, stepping back in preparation to let Brendon in before he even asked. Can I come in? He swung an arm to the side to welcome him, closing the door gently behind Brendon.

While he was turned to close it, Ryan quickly pulled his phone from his wallet, typing out the briefest of cancellations to his date. Short notice, and he'd look like a dick, but whatever. Do you have to be somewhere? Lots of questions. Something was definitely up, 'cause Brendon didn't usually concern himself about being intrusive, or whatever. Trying to keep his attention so Brendon didn't see him driving himself crazy with an array of differently colored Post-It notes everywhere - thankfully he had only left a few out in the living room - Ryan rested a hand at the small of his back to lead him towards the center of the room, complete with armchairs and a sofa. "No, I don't have to be. You can take a seat if you want. Do you want something to drink? I have, uh... water." Ryan pursed his lips, looking remorseful for his lacking selection.

Nevertheless he sat tucked into the armrest of his couch, his hands folded together, pushing on his knuckles by nervous habit. He tried to get a word in first so that maybe he could, like, help Brendon settle down. He wasn't sure whether he had that effect anymore. "I'm glad you're here, 'cause I wanted to say, um..." He hesitated. He had a lot to say and a lot of it wasn't appropriate to bring up, especially not as a conversation starter. He chose a pretty neutral route against what he'd initially wanted to own up to, something about how he was sorry. "I miss you, too." Funny way to respond to old Brendon texts, out loud. "I never know what to do with myself anymore." He laughed a little, only to keep from being too embarrassed about his lack of productivity lately, and then shrugged one shoulder dismissively. "Stupid, I know."

say what you mean ; b&r ; tell me i’m right

Ryan thought he was pretty good at ignoring things that bothered him, or at least coming to terms with them and moving on. However, after a handful of months watching Shane manipulate and emotionally abuse his best friend, he was kind of unstable. Not, like, towards himself, but if Shane entered the room his fight or flight response was activated (on probably a lesser level than a life-or-death situation, but still). And he couldn't control Brendon; when he tried to point out the behaviors that were unhealthy or showed him how his bank account was being used, Brendon didn't seem to mind very much, or he didn't agree that it was that bad. Shane was just an asshole, and he occasionally took things, was what Ryan gathered Brendon was thinking. He wasn't sure what else he could do for him to help. His gentle approach to exposing things were ineffective, and he wasn't going to treat Brendon like he was being disciplined into not dating the scum of the earth, so Ryan entrusted Gabe with keeping him at least safe. He left.

It wasn't what he should have done, and he only came to realise that around four days into his 'leave.' He was leaving Brendon alone in this new relationship, even newer and unfamiliar to him specifically, and this was a crucial time - Brendon needed friends when he had someone that malicious around all the time. But Ryan could feel himself stooping to Shane's level whenever he showed up, and it never got easier to control; he'd raise his voice at him when he never, ever did that usually, actually physically show him the door when he was obviously being manipulative, and he could only go as far as 'hey' or 'what's up' as far as normal politeness went. He was an asshole, and Shane definitely deserved it, but Brendon didn't need to see that - especially when his aggression was directed to his boyfriend. So, to save him the trouble, Ryan got out of there and made sure his replacement wasn't too involved to come for Shane, but wise enough to know when to defend Brendon when they were around. And, y'know, maybe a little part of it was the fact that he still wasn't over how he felt about him.

He couldn't talk to him, either, partially guilty, partially just trying to detach so if he did come back he could do so without making an ass of himself. Some texts came his way and he replied in brief statements, neutral as ever, trying not to joke around too much or say anything he wouldn't say to, like, an acquaintance. Otherwise, he might just fall back into that loop. When he was basically at the level of one-word responses, suddenly Brendon was sending him lyrics again, and Ryan was thrown. They'd done that when he thought they were so close to finally... make things official, whatever they were meant to do after basically acting like boyfriends thus far. It was hard to keep neutral, then, when all he could do was see Brendon's perspective and feel like he'd hurt him. Because he hadn't been able to show anything loving or caring without feeling like he was falling back into an old routine, Ryan let himself speak under the subtlety of his metaphorical, occasionally vague lyrics, and was careful to not let too much show.

When he tried to figure out whether Shane was still in the picture - no one had told him, he didn't keep up with tabloids, and he assumed from the partially romantic lyrics sent his way that Brendon wasn't so resigned to exclusivity anymore, but he wasn't a cheater - he still got an unclear answer. In fact, he didn't get one at all - but maybe that was just as telling as a simple 'yes' or 'no.' He could be sparing his feelings by not saying the factual yes, they were still together; on the other hand he could be hurt by the breakup and didn't want to talk about it by saying no. Ryan had known Brendon to be virtually invincible, especially to the shit Shane put him through sometimes (at least he was on the surface then), so he assumed the first option. If they were still together for much longer, his indefinite leave would become a definite resignation - he didn't think he could handle it, and his professionalism had already dwindled to an absurd, unacceptable point.

Even so, he was still sort of entertaining it, keeping Brendon's spirit around by filling his apartment with reminders. Sticky-notes littered the walls or side tables or the refrigerator, where-ever he was at the moment he read the text, of Brendon's lyrics, and he tried to commit them to memory. Just the same, he posted his responses - even the ones he crossed out and started over on. Made him look a little bit out of his mind, but whatever - he never had guests anyway. That was an unhealthy way to live, though, and he had to squash this lingering infatuation, so he started trying to date. Connected with old friends who were delighted to set him up with people, he eventually had one scheduled for an evening, and he was terrified. But at least this way, if things worked out, he could potentially head back to work and maintain a level head with someone else to occupy his thoughts.

He hadn't really cared about his appearance for a while, maybe towards the last month he was at work he'd given up on trying to keep nice. For Ryan that wasn't too huge of a difference, thankfully, so when he looked in the mirror and decided he really needed to fix the issue there, it didn't seem like much work. His hair was overgrown by now, wavier than it was curly, and he had a fair amount of stubble evened out across his features. He was a little unsettled by that, usually clean-shaven, but the desperate effort to cure his chronic babyface was officially on. He wasn't sure how to dress, but Spencer of course responded instantly to the picture of his wardrobe plus a desperate plea for help. Spencer said, very eloquently, throw out your fucking Hobbit clothes. And then, the leather jacket, and if you wear pants instead of jeans you're dead. So he wore dark jeans, some faded band shirt that he didn't even remember getting, and the stupid jacket. He wasn't sure what exactly made this an improvement, but whatever, Spencer was usually right.

Ryan was twenty minutes from leaving to meet his date when the knock at the door came, and he was a little confused - they were going to some festival downtown, he thought, not meeting at his place. He stood at the door for a second to compose himself before actually answering, and then froze up. Brendon had never come around ever before, and now of all times was about the worst time possible, and - if he was showing up this randomly then something must be wrong. In fact, Brendon looked a little nervous; Ryan had learned to tell the signs when he was naturally unreadable. Ryan stared at him for a second, lost for words, and his brain registered alone that they weren't even on bad terms and he was glad to see him after two weeks of absence before he could even catch it. So he smiled, small and relieved, and leaned against his door. "Hey," he said, and his voice wasn't used to talking, sounded rough. Apparently the solitude was worse than he thought. "Long time no see. Are you okay?" There was more subtext to that - what'd Shane do this time - clear in his tone, but he impressively kept from twitching angrily at even the thought.

city’s your playground | b&r

Ryan could only kind of understand Brendon's trust issues - and resulting inability to really become vulnerable at all - but not fully. He could just barely empathize. When he was younger, the conditions at home made him wary of the outside world, too, and he was thankfully young enough when he met Spencer that it hadn't made so huge of a lifelong impression. Brendon, though, grew up with disapproval, and his parents didn't trust him or show as much love as he needed, so why should he have developed those abilities? There was no example to live by. So, Ryan got it, mostly, but he still became impatient with him for things completely out of his control. It wasn't fair, not at all, but Ryan figured there had to be someone to break this destructive cycle, and he was just assertive enough (or at least had his moments of boldness) that he could take that role. When he realized Brendon hadn't expressed anything genuine since he met him, he was quick to call him on it, and when he could count Brendon's true friends on one hand, he made an effort to broaden his horizons, make him more open.

Of course, there were no morals in trying to change someone, especially not for your own gain. Ryan considered that, that maybe he should leave Brendon as is, but he knew there were times that his emotional shortcomings and the neglect that must've been the root of it all, got to him. So it was less 'fixing' any aspect of his personality - it was trying to heal a wound that'd been open for a hell of a long time, and it got bigger the more distance Brendon allowed himself. But when you were the subject of that kind of effort, it probably didn't look like a good cause. Ryan couldn't explain it without sounding like he pitied him, or whatever, when really it was just a sort of relation to the circumstances (and of course the care for Brendon he was trying to get over for the sake of professionalism) that fueled him. And pity was the last thing Brendon wanted, alongside the attempts to break his shell or try to evoke a reaction at all. After all, Brendon certainly wasn't heartless, but his heart definitely hurt.

Or, you know. Ryan was entirely wrong and he just assumed too much, which he'd been learning was pretty typical of him. Maybe he was projecting onto Brendon 'cause he couldn't find much else to relate to, they were so different. That, too, sounded very likely. So - he just waited (and waited and waited and waited) to hear Brendon's testimony on the matter, if he'd ever come out with it, or until he realized that there might not be any reason or backstory for all of it. Oh. Ryan pursed his lips, knowing it hadn't come out right. He nearly tacked on a 'I've wanted to say that for a while,' but it didn't sound like a very genuine sentiment, it was so unprompted. Either way, Brendon was leaning back into him, more peaceful than before; with gentler touches than Ryan had ever remembered coming from him. If Brendon wasn't used to the emotional part of a close relationship, Ryan definitely wasn't used to the physical, and his reaction was a little bit ridiculous.

Multi-millionaire, actually. Ryan had expected that, so he smiled, albeit sheepishly. When he continued Ryan glanced down at his still busy hands, wondering if his mind would ever stop racing 'cause he would like to get used to this, thanks. No, I- Thank you. It means a lot, considering I fuckin’- usually I get compared to my siblings, or my dad, and it sucks. Ryan looked at him very seriously, trying not to be too dramatic about his reactions, because if he freaked him out now he'd probably back out of talking. I can never be just Brendon. I’m Brendon Boyd Blake. My family defines who I am, and that name is all people ever care about. It doesn’t usually bother me, just- Ryan nodded fast when he stopped, trying to reassure him. He understood - although he'd never thought of the name that way before. Everything was connected to the same people who didn't try hard enough. I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t want to be a failure. He wasn't. He really wasn't, and Ryan searched his face to make sure that was genuine, but his voice said it all. He felt a tug in his chest, wishing he could change how he felt.

And what you said- that I lacked compassion, and that I was reckless and unsafe- I felt like a mixture of both. Ryan stayed quiet with him, meeting his gaze and holding it, and then when he drew him in he couldn't stop smoothing his hands down Brendon's back, or the nape of his neck, trying to be as comforting as he could or make him feel secure. But he couldn't really get out apologies when they were kissing each other breathless, or when he could feel his shirt lifting off his shoulder, and he both mourned the quick shift from the moment previous and enthused over them being gentle again. "I didn't mean it," he murmured between breaks, lifting his hand from the sleeve and replacing it at the back of Brendon's neck. "I know you. It wasn't right, Bren." This was less disruptive, and more of gentle words close to his ear, trying to communicate that he wasn't like his father or a failure as subtly as possible. "Thank you - for telling me."

brilliant and bored || b&r

Ever since discovering Brendon had a boyfriend, Ryan knew he needed to make some serious changes in order to cope with this. That made it sound a little overdramatic, really, but it was true that it threw his whole routine for a loop. He'd been used to finishing everything business-related in his own apartment, hurriedly and efficiently, then spending the rest of his time socializing with Brendon and following him to events because that was the fun part of the job. And, of course, he'd become pretty comfortable with sleeping around with his boss - but that came as no surprise. His day-to-day was, naturally, making calls to people who actually had structured lives and professions they could move up in before all their offices closed, heading out to Brendon's or whereever Brendon had found himself this time, and then staying the night, leaving in the morning to restart the cycle. Generally, there was little variation in that schedule.

When he'd first seen Shane he was a little caught off-guard, only because it was rare that Brendon brought back someone who wasn't him lately, but an easy encounter to brush off. When he began to see the familiar face in Brendon's place again and again every time he stopped by, he realized there was definitely something up - and he had no idea how. How Shane got through that barrier, how Brendon saw anything that spoke 'relationship material' unless he just liked to take the bare minimum, how they started... More importantly, though, there was no way he was going to continue their affair (though it'd become less and less frequent anyway over the time Shane had been here) and Brendon seemed to adamantly agree. Ryan's approach to the end was to not look at all affected; if he looked hurt or sad it'd seem like he thought there was something more than what they actually had. If he reacted angrily then he'd just be an asshole, 'cause it's not like Brendon wasn't allowed to date.

So after nodding blankly and getting all of his clothes and his toothbrush and whatever from Brendon's penthouse, he went to his own apartment and dropped down on the couch, looking around and realizing he much preferred a place where Brendon was written into everything. But Brendon had never been over, and Ryan tortured himself thinking that now he probably would never be. That was how it was for a while, Ryan acting like he was in some sad romance movie where the one he loved found someone else, except he wasn't necessarily in love and neither was Brendon and they'd never been dating and he didn't see some happy kiss-in-the-rain ending in their future. He didn't see Shane lasting, obviously, but he didn't see himself coming after him, or after the next partner, or the next, or the one after that. Maybe Ryan had been the one to warm Brendon up to the idea of a semi serious relationship (alongside Gabe, he suspected), but that didn't make him entitled to Brendon's newfound comfort.

A month in he wasn't as bad, though, and in fact had completely detached himself... all right, almost completely. He was still attached enough to get pissed at the slightest slip-up from Shane, and he definitely hadn't stopped liking Brendon although his feelings were gradually fading, lucky him. For the most part though, Ryan had become more forward, more blunt, seemed less wound-up if only for the fact that his anxiety didn't get to him as strongly as before. In some ways the emotional distance was probably good for him; he was no longer on the brink of blurting out weirdly intimate sentiments to Brendon at any given time or getting way too personally involved in Brendon's unexpressed feelings. Either way, he was just glad he wasn't Shane, who only got away with being shitty eighty percent of the time because during the other twenty percent - and that was generous - he could schmooze like a pro. Brendon probably caught on, because he wasn't blind, but he evidently needed and appreciated the affection even if it was superficial.

Anyway. The 'not caring' thing extended into not realizing when he wasn't welcome - or realizing and just disregarding. You know, I didn’t even say ‘come in’. And you didn’t knock. Ryan stared at Brendon, like a teenager being chastised, then hastily shrugged one shoulder because he hadn't, like, asked. If you don’t start, you might see something you don’t wanna. Okay - good point. Maybe Ryan had been quick to jump to the conclusion that Brendon's opinion was irrelevant. He cringed a little, scrunching up his nose and looking away. "I get the picture. I'll knock. Jesus," he said, and it would've sounded immensely annoyed if only he didn't let out a soft laugh behind the final word. As gross as the idea of them together was, Brendon's approach was beyond amusing.

He caught Brendon looking back, lip trapped between his teeth, and realized before he'd even said anything what was going on. Fuck. Shane is in the shower. He should've known, honestly. Ryan stopped moving for a moment, hands hesitating over his paperwork, and he debated just going back home - but the squeak of the shower knobs being turned round sounded and he was kinda fucked. Ryan leaned against the edge of the coffee table, watching as Shane came out of the shower - Brendon's shower - in a towel - one of Brendon's towels - and approached Brendon. He looked away in time not to witness their fond display, shifting his gaze then turning his head back to his work. Unfortunately, he didn't have any convenient device to block out his hearing. Why’d you get dressed? Didn’t realise you’d had enough. Ryan scowled, meeting Brendon's apologetic gaze just as Shane took notice of him. Who let that in? Ryan turned his head away again, already irritated.

He let himself in. Assistant, remember? If he was twelve he'd probably be saying a retaliatory 'ha' by now. He came pretty close. Well, can he go? He’s ruining my plans. Ryan had by now let his gaze drift back over, deciding he could just deal with whatever sight there was to behold, but, praise God, Brendon was practically dodging his gestures. No. He has stuff to do. "You could go be productive, too, if I'm bothering you," Ryan added unhelpfully, sending an artificial smile his way when he was met by Shane's suspicious look. Put a shirt on, then. He’s ogling you. Ryan wondered how deluded he had to be, what exactly there was to be threatened by when he looked at Ryan. He'd barely looked at Brendon since he got here, much less ogled.

No. You get dressed. You’re the one in a towel. Ryan knew Brendon was looking at him now, but he stupidly couldn't hold back. "Right. I've seen it all before, it's fine." A little contradictory, but whatever. This seemed to prompt some confusion from Shane, whose suspicious expression grew slightly more bewildered. What does that mean? Oh. Ryan opened his mouth, trying to come up with an excuse on the spot, because he hadn't realized Shane wasn't clued in on what had happened between them. With slight alarm, he looked at Brendon, then shrugged as casually as he could. "He's my best friend. Dry off and get dressed, you're ruining shit." He gestured impatiently at the hardwood tracked with water and the fabric of the couch he was leaning over, but Shane clearly didn't care, as he was circling around to sit beside Brendon. I thought you 'had stuff to do.' Maybe you should get on that. Ryan had forgotten all about it, really, but arched an eyebrow before looking at Brendon, like he was in the middle of a sibling rivalry and needed a mediator. "Brendon. You should get him a muzzle."

brilliant and bored || b&r

Brendon had a boyfriend. It was bound to happen, really, but Ryan hadn’t prepared himself for this natural disaster whatsoever, and he’d also sort of assumed on some level that he would’ve been his boyfriend. Not that Brendon led him on so often that that was the only logical conclusion or anything like that - just, considering his stupid heart raced at every little gesture from Brendon, he naturally thought it’d be him to eventually capture and hold his interest. After all, it was surreal to think he could feel that strongly for someone who had nothing the same to return. He comforted himself with the fact that there didn’t really seem to be any depth in the new relationship; the extent to which they cared for each other was, like, favoriting each other’s posts on social media, or something. And sometimes even that was apparently too much of a hassle.

That was actually pretty awful, all things considered - Ryan was only glad for it because it meant they wouldn’t last long and Brendon probably wasn’t too attached, wouldn’t be hurt if things didn’t work out. And... Ryan thought himself to have a headstart. There was at least a sort of tangible connection between the two of them. He certainly thought he was better meant for Brendon than Shane, slightly less known and less wealthy than him, but objectively attractive and Ryan assumed that’s what helped him make the cut. But he looked like an asshole, really. Ryan even got Gabe to talk shit with him sometimes, and Gabe didn’t even particularly enjoy Ryan’s company. Shane was passive-aggressive and careless and even more reckless than Brendon, and it was clear to Ryan that all he did was take, take, take. He didn’t listen to half the things Brendon said, said vaguely insulting things when he thought he could get away with it, gravitated away from him when they went out together. It’s like they never established anything at all.

Anyway. Ryan tried to shut up about it. If he mentioned it to Brendon it’d sound patronizing as usual, like he was trying to change him; he had to let it run its course. If Brendon wanted this, he should have it. And Ryan even tried to stay away from Shane so he didn’t have some kind of outburst, or whatever, but sometimes they had to be in each other’s company and it generally ended up with heated looks and bitter comments. Shane would say something about Brendon either when he stepped away or when he figured Brendon wouldn't realize what he was saying; inevitably, Ryan snapped at him, and revealed that the only time he wasn't naturally kind of aggressive and straightforward was with Brendon. With Shane around, he had no such reservations and reverted right back to his usual mean-spirited personality... which apparently didn't bode well when Shane was just as rude after a life of getting away with it. Unluckily for him, Ryan was pretty used to the rich kid behavior, knew how to navigate it.

No matter the case, this was all ultimately still just his job, and he had to continue being Brendon's personal assistant no matter how much of his schedule now revolved around his new boyfriend - which, apparently, the media was loving to document, and Ryan had to shove his way through some lingering paparazzi when he went up to the penthouse. Why fawn over some twenty-somethings who didn't do much other than look good in pictures? Ryan was lost. Whatever; he had to do actual work, a rare occasion amongst his usual day of deleting risky posts from Brendon's social media, or managing what reporters quoted/pictured, or otherwise acting as his publicist. His father divvied out property and other bonds to each of his children, not leaving out even the least favorite ('cause surely at the time he hadn't known there was a runt of the litter), and Ryan was left to manage that business now. He just preferred to be around Brendon even when it came to the boring stuff, which typically just looked like a stack of random paperwork to Brendon.

He let himself in; at this point he rarely knocked, but it was a habit he should probably start kicking considering Brendon now had a consistent boyfriend rather than someone here overnight guaranteed to leave in the morning - they were harder to walk in on. He was pretty careless lately regardless, barely catching sleep since he never felt like it (and therefore strolled in sporting six bags total under his eyes), not touching his hair except to wash it (so it curled wildly), not bothering with his typical fashion (except for the trademark fifteen coats/jackets/longsleeves), etc. Speaking of which. He pulled off his top largest coat, leaving an unzipped hoodie on before turning to examine the room. Brendon looked like he hadn't moved from the sofa since he woke up - and it was past 1 by now - in pure comfort mode, an unrecognizable drink beside him, laid out as luxuriously as possible, his shirt naturally gone. Really, Ryan wasn't sure what else he expected. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty," he said fondly after studying him for a moment, shifting the stack of files to both hands before approaching the lounge and dropping them on Brendon's coffee table.

"Ignore your schedule, if you remember it. I can pretty much handle everything for you remotely," he advised, but was looking at the papers he was sorting through rather than at Brendon while he spoke. It was when he finally sat cross-legged on the floor that he realized that wasn't much of an intro - that paled in comparison to the fact that he'd just waltzed in with no real explanation of what he was doing here, but. Apparently he didn't find any issue with that. Ryan's head popped up suddenly, raising his eyebrows at Brendon. "How are you? What've you been up to? Haven't heard from you today." Usually that meant Shane was around, but he didn't see anyone else in the penthouse.