megatrash

In Bloom: The Reunion

9 YEARS AGO

“I don’t want to,” Jane sobbed, her feet dragging along the tile floor. The shades had been closed for two weeks, and she couldn’t tell whether it was day or night. “Please, just leave me alone!” She screamed, but Austin ignored her, carrying her wafer thin body over his shoulder like a rag.

SPLASH.

She was plopped into the roman tub, already filled with warm soapy water, and Austin sat on a stool he must have brought in beforehand. He had a plan.

“Where…is…he?” was all she could get as Austin began to work shampoo through her knotted hair.

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself,” Austin replied with a paternal tone. “You can’t live like this.”

“Then…b-bring him b-back,” she pleaded, accepting the cleaning she was being given, sinking down into the tub to release the suds out of her blonde locks.

The look Austin gave her was his answer. A harsh “no.”

She looked away, and he used the opportunity to clean the track marks and cuts on her arms. Though she was ashamed to be in this position - mortified, to be more exact - there was only one thought throbbing in her head like a persistent migraine.

He’s gone.

“You’ve been wearing his shirt since the day he left. Looks like you haven’t showered. Barely ate,” Austin listed, handing her the loofah. “I’m assuming you can do the rest?”

Her swollen eyes rolled before nodding, and Austin left the bathroom until she was ready to be helped out. From there, he dragged her back to her room and rolled her on the bed. The nightstands were covered with empty beer and pill bottles, a spoon, a lighter, and a small baggie twisted up. Before she could reach for it, Austin grabbed her supplies and shoved them in the drawer, shaking his head.

Jane awoke again to him working a knot out of her hair, feeling a bit more coherent. Being less high made the shame nip at her, but she was too weak to lift her head. “I was wearing his-,” her dry throat stopped her, and she coughed with her entire body. “They still smell like him.”

Austin sighed. “It’s time to start picking up the pieces, J. We’ve cancelled all gigs, put out a press release but…” His fingers rubbed his temples. “It’s over. The band.”

It wasn’t shocking news. The tabloids were full of images of Jane, stumbling through the streets of LA. Some went as far as to comment on the bruises on her inner elbows and the darkness underneath her eyes. It all pointed to one thing: Jane really fucked everything up. But she didn’t care about that right now.

“He won’t answer my calls.”

“Will you shut the fuck up about Rob?” Austin shouted then abruptly stood up from the bed. “Did you just hear that all we’ve worked on for years is dead?”

“Fuck the band!” she yelled back, not as loudly. Her hand covered her eyes. “I’m sure you all will be fucking fine without me. There are millions of bands that would work with you guys..”

“You don’t think Sam and I have been trying? No one wants to work with us now.”

Jane refused to look at him, and instead, pulled the covers up over her. “Get out.”

“You’re welcome, by the way,” Austin nodded, “for trying help you get it together.”

“Get out!” she shrieked, this time reaching a much higher volume. The only thing she heard after that was the slam of the front door shutting.

PRESENT DAY

Having Austin join her for a morning yoga session - though much less meditative - was fun. He kept poking fun at how active and healthy Jane had become, and in return, she’d push him out of a pose he was attempting to hold, causing him to tumble.

He didn’t join her for the swim, saying he was going to shower and relax for a bit before they were due down to the studio by 10am.

Jane, after emerging from the pool’s outdoor shower, dove head first into the deep end, staying under the warmed, salty water until her lungs began to burn. She continued to lap the pool until the sky was it’s daytime blue, then, with her towel wrapped around her head, she entered the house and headed straight to her room. No one can make a big deal out of your birthday if you avoid them, right?

But as she entered the room, the towel she had been working around her chest had dropped to the floor. Jane wasn’t sure if her chills were from the AC hitting her wet hair and swimsuit, or the box on her bed, but only her eyes widened.

Sam wouldn’t get her anything. Jared was seeing her later. Austin would have just given her a gift this morning if…

“Rob,” she whispered. It was only a second or two before the gift was opened, and upon realizing what it was, she moved it far away from her wet body, admiring the album cover that sat at the opposite corner of the bed.

He kept that record all these years.

As if on autopilot, Jane bolted to Rob’s room, opening an already cracked door. He was sitting at the end of his bed on the phone, and looked up when Jane cleared her throat.

“Rob, the record…”

As he began to stand, she closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. Once he gave in, and his arms wrapped around her, Jane melted. It all felt the exact same. Where her head reached. How he drew her in firmly when he hugged her as if he was protecting her from something. The smell of his shirt, the muscles in his back…

Before she turned into a puddle on the floor, Jane backed away. Although tears brimmed her eyes, they were happy this time, and no matter how hard she tried to hide it, her smile was from ear to ear.

“I knew you fucking took it,” she chuckled, dabbing her eyes. “Sorry,” she added, looking at his torso.
She had left a wet imprint of her bikini and hair on his shirt. “Morning swim.”

This gift - it was special. It meant that Rob had held on to a piece of her, no matter how little, this whole time. Was she reading this whole thing wrong?

Realizing the silence was growing longer between them, she had an idea.

“My sponsors been up my ass about getting my five year chip. Says it uh, helps you keep celebrating how far you’ve come,” Jane explained. “There’s an NA meeting down the street later. I was gonna go around 5:00pm before I go out with Jared.”

Get it out, Jane.

“I was wondering if you’d go with me,” she ended up blurting. “You don’t have to if you don’t want…I, it’s just a new place and I don’t wanna go alone.” She turned around to exit his room, but turned back around last time at the doorway. “Thanks for the gift, and let me know about later. See ya downstairs.”

And with that, Jane scurried back into her room, attempting to keep herself contained. Her first call was to her sponsor.

“But that gift wasn’t just any old gift.”

“It doesn’t matter, Jane,” Kody butted in. “You completely fell apart in that relationship. Let’s focus on the new.”

“How am I supposed to when he’s living down the hall from me?” Jane whispered sharply back. “Look. I’m still going out with Jared tonight, but I feel like I need to get all this out of me.”

“Write it out. Then get your damn chip today, okay?”

Jane smirked, leaving out the note that Rob was joining her. “Yes, yes. I’ll write it out, get the chip.”

“Friday. Again.

Rob gave me a beautiful gift, a meaningful one. I don’t know what to do with these feelings I’m having. One minute, I think I’m ready to move on, and the next, I’m head over heels again. I guess ten years between us didn’t do me much good after all. I missed his smell. His touch. I could stay there forever.

But when the love of your life lived there life without you, then what? Where does that leave me?

I still need to move on. And I will. It’s just difficult when you don’t want to.”

She closed her lyric book with a thud, then headed to the shower to prepare for their scheduled writing time downstairs. She couldn’t help but sing Sitting Up On Our Crane throughout its duration.

In Bloom: The Reunion

FRIDAY - TWO DAYS LATER

The phone began to blast Son of Robot under her pillow before Jane silenced it and turned onto her back. 5:00 AM. She must have had the dream again - an emptiness in her stomach made her grasp it tightly. Bits and pieces came back as she stared at the ceiling, the blinds causing flickers of the outdoor lighting to scatter across it.

The dream itself is mundane, nice even. Jane’s stomach is big, maybe 7-8 months pregnant. She’s walking barefoot in the sand along someone, her hand in their’s. She never sees their face, but she knows it’s Rob. She hears him talking each time, but she can’t make out the words. Just his tone, his inflection, like it’s own faded song.

But every time Jane had that dream, she always woke up feeling a void so deep even heroin didn’t fill, but it’d been a couple years since she had it. Being the vicinity of Rob must have been making even her subconscious go into overdrive.

Jane’s sponsor made her promise to keep up her journaling in the morning, a part of her normal routine at home, so with a grunt, she reached into the bedside table to grab her lyric book. The journal entries were scattered throughout, sometimes wedged into the side of an already-used paper, or on the backs of others. She’d have to make a note to buy a new notebook soon.

“Friday.

Today’s my 33rd birthday. At home, I’d be cuddled up with my cat after surfing, and spend the sunset on the peak. I told everyone not to do anything here, but Jared’s insisting on taking me out. Really out, like downtown. He says putting off facing the public will only make it scarier, and it’s about time I get over it.

I had the dream again. He’s in my stomach and I can feel him moving around. I still don’t regret it most days. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I was in so much pain.

Letting go of the idea of Rob and I has been bittersweet. I mourn the fantasies I’ve had of seeing each other again - our past, our friendship - but I know that it’s the right choice. He’s grown up so much, it’s daunting. The way he talks, the way he carries himself. I feel so small next to him.

And I’ve changed too. I’m less…everything than I used to be. But it’s getting easier to be around him again, almost like we’re falling back into our natural ebb and flow. In those moments I catch myself still searching for something in his eyes, but come up empty.

I miss human touch so much. I wake up in the middle of the night and crave it deep in my stomach like an ulcer. But I plan to keep the promise I made, even here.

This place has made me realize that I don’t really know who I am as an artist anymore…maybe even myself, and I wonder if I’m just going to look foolish trying to fill my own shoes. But our writing sessions are getting better each time, like we were just out of practice. We’re starting to feel like a band again - I missed that a lot.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

-J”

After a stretch, Jane tiptoed down the hallway towards the kitchen for a glass of water when she spotted Rob’s door open. Her heart beat loudly in her ears until he came into view, fully clothed and sprawled out on his bed. It was close to 5am, but Jane still double checked the hallway before entering his room.

First, she loosened his laces and worked his shoes off, then she yanked the comforter out from under him to put on top. For a moment, Rob groaned in resistance, and Jane paused before saying the same thing he’d say to her after she’d fallen asleep on the couch.

“Shhhh, just getting you comfy.”

Once the comforter was over him, Jane exited his room, letting the door click shut softly, all the breath she was holding coming out in a sigh. This was another part of her morning routine, well - her new one - doing a quiet clean up of Rob passing out in the early morning hours.

The rest of the routine consisted of the following: stretching and yoga until the some came up, then a swim. After breakfast, they’d spend most of the day in the studio until the afternoon hours. Jane decided to dedicate an hour in the driveway to get comfortable on her longboard again, with a more intense workout session in the backyard as the sun set. Shower, back to the basement, then bed.

“Everything” hit #1 across rock and alternative charts, and was hitting the hundred thousands in streams by this point.

Each member of the band seemed to be happy about it, a rare occurrence, so the mood amongst the house was light. Every day, Rob and her talked a bit more, breaking the tension they had in passing.

Jane told him more about her sobriety, her life up in NorCal, making sure to avoid the topics of her drug use and what her life entailed after he left. And he spoke more of being a father, along with some of the places he traveled with MAE and mishaps along the way.

And it was…nice. Being able to be around him again without all of her muscles tensing. He wasn’t so much a stranger now as an old friend she was trying to figure out.

And, the residual checks became real money.

Jane got a bank alert that nearly made her choke, and she quickly used the funds to pay her mortgage which was two months behind, along with some credit cards. The fact that Jane was broke was a secret she held close to her chest, as it wouldn’t be true for much longer. But the financial stress she had was gone, and Jane felt lighter than she had in months.

“Hey, space cadet,” Austin grumbled, breaking Jane out of her trance as she chomped on an apple.

“You’re up early,” Jane whispered back, taking note of his workout gear. “You’re finally gonna join me?”

“Thought I’d give it a shot,” he smirked, taking a sip of his water. “You do that every morning?”

Austin nodded his head down the hallway, pointing to Rob’s door. “Clean up?”

Jane shrugged. “He did it for me.”

“Yeah, well, it just looks like enabling from here.”

Her eyes rolled. “Look, I’m just trying to keep him out of trouble with Sam. We don’t need anymore black eyes.”

“Why don’t you try talking to him about it?” Austin huffed, crossing his arms. “You guys seem to be hitting it off more.”

“Yeah, and I don’t wanna ruin it yet. I haven’t even seen him look that bad.”

“You go to bed before ten. That’s why.”

A click of a door opening came from the hallway, and Jane used it as her chance to bail from the conversation. “I’ll be out back,” she whispered sharply before the glass door slid shut.

The sky was just beginning to glow, the stars disappearing high in the sky while the horizon remained murky. Stretching, she tried to force the thought of Rob falling down the same hole she did years ago. The one he left her to climb out of herself.

Although she wanted to feel anger, she couldn’t. She just wanted to hug him. To tell him that if she could be better, so could he. But it wasn’t time to rock the boat.

What was happening inside of him, and would he even let her look?

In Bloom: The Reunion

The phone conversation with Jared went smoothly. On the surface, they caught up and confirmed they were both in the area. Then, after tripping over her words, he put her out of her misery.

“Are you asking me out, Molloy?”

Jane chuckled, then sighed. “Something like that.”

“Well, does tonight work?” he asked confidently, already knowing her answer.

“Just…I’m not ready for downtown. Can we keep it casual?”

“You got it.”

Now, Jane was meticulously checking over her outfit - a black body suit that disappeared into a pair of black skinny jeans and a chunky cardigan on top - and her hair, which was brushed out smooth with ripples of waves that formed down her back.

A knock at her door startled her out of her vanity, and Austin entered, already wincing.

“Oh god,” Jane groaned. “What?”

He let her read his phone, her expression growing more and more sour with each sentence. As she finished the article, Austin began to whisper “remember it’s my phone, it’s my phone.” Jane passed it back to Austin and started a breathing exercise as she paced.

“Why would she choose now? That, that bitch.”

The correlation clicked in her mind, and her focus darted to Austin.

“Where the fuck is he?” In the moment, every feeling she had for Rob was replaced with rage. This wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t know In Bloom was writing.

Austin put his hands up to show innocence. “He left after he got the news. He didn’t look good.”

Jane rolled her eyes. Of course he left. But then, it changed to concern. “Where?”

“Fuck if I know. He’s supposed to have a call with Evan any second.”

“Well, I’m out of here in ten minutes,” Jane sighed, mulling the idea of staying home to await Rob’s return. Or to make sure Rob returned at all. “Please text me if you hear anything.”

***

Jared’s matte black snaked up the driveway, Jane watching from the patio, fingers picking at each other. Once the light hum turned to silence, she approached with her chin up and shoulders back. Long, brown hair and a familiar face popped up across the top of the car.

“I’d have gotten the door for you.”

“I know,” she smirked. They both plopped into the car, and before she could blink, they were speeding down the road, her eyes on Jared’s tattooed hand barely touching the wheel.

“You look beautiful, J,” he grumbled, his dark eyes staying on the road. “You look older but -“ He snapped his head towards her, “somehow just the same.”

Jane grew warm in response to the compliment, shifting her to hide her cheeks which were most definitely red. “And that’s a good thing? The same?”

His stoic expression cracked, and a smirk formed, revealing a gold tooth. It was permanent, she remembered. “Of course it is.”

A deep breath, and Jane relaxed in the passenger seat. “I think you hear it enough,” Jane giggled, “but you’re not so bad yourself.” She was referring to the hundreds of women commenting on each photo he uploaded on the IG she’s perused earlier in the day.

Jared rolled his eyes. “You remember how fans are. They get obsessive.”

She pondered the statement. “In Bloom didn’t get that far. We were forgotten about as easily as we were discovered.” Realizing the statement was a buzzkill, she turned and smiled. “Maybe I’ll get my shot this time around.”

The statement reminded her of Mae, and the fact that not only had she lived out Jane’s dream with Rob, but now she may take away her redemption. Her fists tightened in her lap, obviously enough for Jared to take one and place his lips on it gently. She vibrated.

“Whatever’s going on, just forget about it tonight.” Jared gave her a knowing look. Whether he was referring to the Mae knees, her living with her ex again, or whatever else she could complain about.

Entranced, Jane nodded as she watched him release her hand and put it back on the wheel. Whether she was ready for the affection or not emotionally, she was definitely responding physically.

“Shyer than you used to be?”

His willingness to call things as they were was always something she admired - but right now - she wished he wasn’t so bold.

“Turns out drugs were covering up some bad anxiety.”

Jared nodded. “Quitting drinking had me jittery for a while.” Apparently deciding her answer wasn’t sufficient, he continued on. “When’s the last time you were with someone?”

“Jared,” she gasped in a mocking tone.

“Doesn’t have to be like that. Anything. A date. A kiss. You have nervous-at-the-middle-school-dance energy. “

Jane didn’t want to laugh but couldn’t help it. “5 years,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry?” he joked, cupping his ear. “Did I hear years?”

With her head in her hands, Jane nodded in confirmation.

“How did the poster child for sex, drugs, and rock and roll turn to a nun? My rehab definitely didn’t do that.”

The car was pulling up to an alcove, twinkling city lights illuminating the clouds dotting the dark sky.

“Last time I wound up in rehab, it was after Nico - my ex - left. I…” She took a minute to gather her thoughts. “I told myself I’d only open myself up to someone like that again if I fell in love and -“

“You sit in your mountain home alone?”

Jane nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well,” Jared grunted as he reached in the back seat. “I have some take out and a blanket, plus a beautiful night.” He pointed to the sky. “Don’t think of this as a date, okay? Just two old friends catching up.”

Jane smiled, grabbing a bag from him. “At a very romantic, secluded location.”

He smirked. “You wanted low key. Can’t get much more low key than this.”

***

The rest of the evening was, to Jane’s surprise, a fantastic time. They caught up over old stories, old bands. Catching each other up on more minute side stories of their lives. Sobriety.

Her body had just started to relax when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She mouthed an apology to Jared before greeting Austin.

“Did you hear from Rob?” Jane asked firstly, her voice dripping with desperation.

“No, only Evan. He likes the song for the album, but he says it’s not the radio hit right now that we need, especially with MAE’s looming comeback.”

“Fuck,” Jane sighed. “I have lyrics, we’ll workshop it in the morning. Tell the others 8.”

“Got it,” Austin responded before disconnecting.

Jared by this point had packed the picnic back in the car and had the engine running.

“I’m so sorry,” Jane stuttered, hopping into the car and buckling in. “Guess you heard we have a song to write.”

***

“You don’t have to walk me to the door.”

Jared had an arm around her shoulders, rubbing the arm his hand reached. “You’re freezing.”

As they reached the front patio, Jane turned and looked up to him. “Best date I’ve had in years,” she smiled.

Jared rolled his eyes at the joke, but grabbed her arm and pulled her close. She felt the eyes of the security cameras on her like lasers, but she couldn’t help but let him pull her in.

A man’s chest. His heart beat. His hands at the small of her waist. A feeling she had only fantasized about for so long.

When Jared leaned in to kiss her, she obliged, gripping his shirt to keep her steady on her toes. But once the kiss began to deepen, and his hands began to move around, Jane pushed back and caught her breath.

“Did I do too much?” Jared whispered, his brows furrowed. His arms were out like he wanted to comfort her, but at the same time, he didn’t want to get too close.

“No, Jared, I…” Breath. “That was, that was hot. I just…I need to move a bit slower.” That, and Rob was still the only thing she could think about.

His concerned expression turned back to his playful one. “I can do that.”

“I’m not sure if you can,” Jane teased, leaning in and pecking him once more. “Thanks for the date,” she whispered as she turned her keys in the door.

“I’ll text you later this week,” he whispered back, watching until she was safely in the door.

It was early, and Jane was greeted by Austin and Sam sitting at the bar in the kitchen. Each had a beer in front of them, both looking defeated.

“No Rob, I’m guessing?”

“Nah,” Austin shook his head, “and more buzz about MAEs possible return.”

“Fucking Mae,” Jane mumbled. “Well, look. We don’t need Rob to write a song, right?” She looked to the stove time reading 8:30. “Evan wants a radio song. Let’s fucking do it.”

“Right now?” Sam finally chimed in, resting a cheek on his fist.

“I was working on something on the ride home. I think it’ll work. Let’s just get down there.”

Austin put a hand up. “Try calling him first?” He was referring to Rob, of course. “His phone’s been off, but maybe if he gets a message from you - “

“I’ll try. Meet you guys down there.”

As Austin warned, Rob’s phone went to voicemail, and Jane nervously tapped her fingers on the marble countertop until it beeped.

“Rob, it’s J. I don’t know where you went but…you should be here with me-us.” Jane hoped the fumble didn’t pick up over voicemail. Why were her eyes watering. “We’re working on a song. We’re gonna figure this all out together. Just come back, yeah? Okay. Bye.”

***

The song was Everything. If Jane was never obvious before, with these lyrics, she was now.

All that was left was for Rob to track his drums, then they could send the song to Evan in the morning and hopefully have a radio hit by that evening.

“I’ve noticed he’s been drinking,” Austin mumbled as they went up the steps. It was close to midnight.

“Rob’s always drank,” Jane shook her head, not understanding the point.

“No, I mean drinking. Might be part of his disappearing act today.”

Austin kept ascending the steps, but Jane stood frozen on the staircase. Rob couldn’t fall for addiction. Shit, he left Jane for her’s. Possibly, Austin was just being dramatic.y

And as Jane climbed into her bed that night, she stayed awake as long as she could to hopefully hear Rob returned, but drifted off eventually, humming the song they just recorded.

If anything, she hoped Rob liked it.

In Bloom: The Reunion

Was it possible to recognize a person by their footsteps?

Jane didn’t need to look up to know Rob was the one who arrived second, taking a spot at the table along with her.

“You look like you got way better sleep than I did.”

Jane smirked and met his eyes. She needed to stop singing the songs that brought up memories of their relationship, because right then, that was all she could ponder.

Did he kiss the same? Or still talked in his sleep when he drank too much? Did he still hum while doing chores?

Did Mae ever gently place her hands over Rob’s to stop him from drumming on the table, like Jane did?

But those thing didn’t matter any more, did they? Rob wasn’t in love with Jane any longer. They were…’cool.’ But that was just enough for her heart to hold onto.

However, in that moment, she would hop onto the desk and scramble to him if she could.

“I’m still working off the sleep deficit I racked up in my twenties.”

Jane’s stare was ripped away from Rob as Sam, then Austin filed in and took their seats. It was funny, they all sat with empty space in between them, like strangers in an airport terminal. Austin was closest to Jane, and she reached a hand which he slapped goofily.

Sam was the first to speak up. “So we need a demo done. Let’s get started on-“

“Actually,” Jane piped in, with about 75% less confidence that she did in their meetings a decade ago, “I have a song. Melody, harmonies. If you guys don’t mind…”

She looked to Austin, who nodded for her to continue.

“It goes like -“ Jane pulled her legs up to criss cross, then closed her eyes.

“Knew karma would catch up to me one day,
in her way,”

Jane’s voice had matured with age, growing in texture and depth. Her natural rasp had become more pronounced with extra years of smoking, but she was still able to glide through runs with ease. She was singing quietly, but the song itself was one she wanted to belt on the record. And maybe one day, on stage.

“She said she’d take him away,
but I didn’t believe,”

A few more bars went by - Jane didn’t dare open her eyes.

“Now when I sleep, it’s all alone…”

Jane popped an eye open, then another before quickly closing her book and taking a breath. “Then you know, repeat chorus, blah blah blah.”

“It could work,” Sam huffed begrudgingly, “I might want to change some things.”

This wasn’t the battle Jane wanted to win with him, so she nodded with a smile. “Totally fine.”

“Alright then, boys,” Austin stood, grabbing his case. “We got a song to write. You’ll be back when?”

“Oh, yeah,” Jane scratched her head “I, uh, gotta call my sponsor then my therapist is calling around noon. Let me know when you’re ready for me to record, I should be done by one.”

Austin nodded, giving his approval and shooing her up the stairs.

***

After explaining how the fantasy Jane had created of uniting with Rob didn’t go quite as planned, both her sponsor and therapist came to the same conclusion: move on.

“I’m just worried it’d rock the boat with him.”

“Why would it?” Dr. Mickal responded on the other line. “If it doesn’t seem like Rob has these feelings for you, why limit yourself?”

“I guess you’re right.”

“We want to get you back to the old Jane right? Not the partying Jane, but the one that was outgoing, fun, bold. I know she’s still in there.”

Jane chuckled. “I’m not so sure.”

“You said you know lots of people in LA, yes?” the doctor asked.

Jane groaned. “Yes.”

“Set up a date for yourself. An old friend, someone you think you may have a spark with. Get out of that house and loosen up a bit.”

Jane sighed deeply. “Fine. I’ll make a call.”

“Good, same time tomorrow?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

Jane descended the stairs as quietly as possible to find Austin watching the studio room through the glass. It looked like Rob was tracking drums while Sam fiddled with the knobs and levers in the booth.

“He has no idea what he’s doing,” mumbled Austin, turning to Jane. “Why the smile?”

“I have a date tonight,” Jane bit her lip, containing a smile.

“This is major!” Austin exclaimed, but Jane instantly shushed him with a punch to the arm. “Sorry, sorry. Hasn’t it been years? Who is it? Oh my god, are you gonna get laid?!”

“Re-lax, breathe,” Jane chuckled. “It’s Jared, that guy whose house we stayed at in AZ that one time.”

“Ah, the one with the sister Rob fucked.”

Jane shot daggers with her eyes, but he only responded by sticking his tongue out. “Yes, that one. He moved to LA a couple years ago with his band. Sober. I think it’ll be nice.”

“And…”

“I’m not ready for that. God, I don’t even know what I’d do if he tried to kiss me,” Jane continued to whisper, thinking aloud more than speaking to Austin. “God, I’m nervous.”

“You’re really not gonna try for Rob, huh?” Austin remarked, keeping his eyes on what was happening beyond the window.

“I…I don’t think I have a choice, Aust. I’ll always be in love with him but, waiting around hasn’t done me any good, and,” Jane swallowed a lump in her throat, “it’s time to move on.”

“You always listen to your therapist but not me.”

Moments later, Rob came through the door and Sam called for Jane, letting her know it was time for her to record. She ripped the sheet from her notebook and rushed to the stool set up in front a mic obviously set up for vocals.

“Let’s just test the sound,” Sam began through the microphone from the equipment booth. “Then, do your thing.”

Jane looked to Austin through the glass, who was saying something to Rob, but gave her a big thumbs up when he saw. She then looked to Rob and tried her best attempt at a smile before turning to Sam. “Ready when you are.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

Watching Robs emotions as Jane explained her sobriety was like an opera - you didn’t have to understand the words, his face told all. And at first, Jane saw pain. She knew she hurt him, but fuck, ten years later and it still looked like it stung. Was it really just the heroin that killed him this much?

But he was proud of her, and hearing him saying it felt her body with a warmth, a calm. She never knew how well hidden she’d kept herself, or if Rob was ever really looking for her in the meantime. Or if she had been written off as a rough memory from the past, one you no longer bring up when telling stories.

”But I missed you, and…we’re cool.”

A true smile cracked across Jane’s face, the one that got her the Julia Roberts comments. “Cool.”

The moment of peace between them cooled off almost immediately as Austin and Sam dove into the pool, splashing around like boys at a hotel.

Jane couldn’t explain it, but Rob’s request felt so…innocent. The manor he asked if felt like it could have been said to anyone. In her fantasies of their true first night back talking, he’d be carrying her bridal style into the hallway by now.

And it that moment, she realized her and Rob were on very different pages. Hell, maybe different planets. Rob still cared for her, but it wasn’t in the way that Jane hoped, and she knew she’d have to deal with that.

But not now.

“Actually,” Jane cleared her throat, “I volunteered to call Evan and uh, getting close to bed time.”

It was 8:15. At home, she’d be fully moisturized, in bed, with her cat curled up next to her.

“But thanks for hearing me out. Have fun, yeah?”

Without turning around, Jane grabbed her water bottle and headed back into the house, closing the sliding door behind her and retreating down the hall.

Twenty-four year old Jane would be drunk by now, probably making a scene about her feelings. But, if she was going to prove to the world she wasn’t the addicted, distressed has-been that she assumed everyone thought she was, she’d have to prove it to her band mates first. And Rob. Specifically Rob.

The call went smoothly with Evan, assuring him the band is getting along just fine and writing together was beginning to click again. He asked when he’d have a song, and in a panic, Jane responded with a quick “tomorrow night!”

Shit.

Before sinking in the tub, Jane hit send on a group message to the guys.

Jane 9:30: so, Evan wants a song by tomorrow night. I have lots of lyrics ready to go. Let’s get together 8 am tomorrow?

***

Jane’s stripped version of Pornostartrek hurt as she sang it. She remembered telling Rob they’d play it at their wedding one day.

With a few quick strums, she ended the song. “Alright guys, thanks for sticking with me for another early morning live.” Jane sighed and put her acoustic guitar down. “Usually, I’d just sign out…but today’s the day I tell you guys the secret.”

The comment section began to light up, everyone making their guesses. She saw her name once or twice and smiled.

First the glasses came off, then the hood.

“For you younger kids, I’m from that old band that keeps playing on the radio. And for those of you who might know, yes,” Jane held her arms out, revealing herself symbolically, “it’s me, Jane Molloy.”

She thought it was best at this point to stop reading the comments.

“In Bloom is making its resurgence, and hopefully, you’ll be seeing more of me without a disguise.” Jane bit her lip, planning what to say next. “Austin made me a real Instagram, it’s @janemolloyofficial. As for this account…”

Jane took a deep breath.

“It’s time to move on. For those of you who know me, I’m sure the name Pennie now makes -“

Jane heard footsteps coming down the carpeted stairs, and in a panic, Jane grabbed her phone.

“Well,” she whispered. “It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? See you guys soon. Love you.”

Jane ended her live feed, cramming the phone in her pocket and rushing to the round meeting table in one of the studios side rooms. Plopped in front of her writing journal, she started to flip through the pages, hoping whoever was descending didn’t hear her confession.

She flipped to a song she thought would be good, pulled her hoody back up, and tucked her arms around her. Real casual.

In Bloom: The Reunion

Watching Rob speak about his daughter - no, Elle - was similar to watching a child explain their current hobby. His eyes lit up. His words came easy and calm, almost like a lullaby that had Jane entranced. The anxiety she developed over making eye contact during conversation seemed to have blow away with the cool breeze that occasionally whipped through the backyard.

Jane pulled the cardigan she brought out with her over her freckled shoulders, but her goosebumps didn’t last long.

He had crows feet now. A newer small scar near his ear. His smile, it glowed as if he had figured it out. Cracked the code to happiness.

There were never doubts that Rob would be a phenomenal dad. Taking care of Jane in her hay days aside, he always possessed the qualities that Jane imagined her father had when she was a little girl. Strong, smart, talented, but behind all the logic and structure - the softest heart. Jane had a hold of it once.

But as Rob went on about Elle, the pain began to settle. Like when you don’t feel the bruise you got on your ass skateboarding until a few hours later.

The what-ifs, and this time, they ricocheted like bullets around her brain. What if I never went down that path? What if our relationship stayed as happy as it was? Would we have a family?

And at of the mention of Mae’s name, all of her feelings came out in a single tear that crept out of her left eye. When Rob put his head down, she blotted it with her sleeve.

“Oh, please don’t apologize,” she chuckled, clearing her throat. “I’m happy for you…completely. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you talk that way about anything before.”

It wouldn’t hurt to flirt a little…right? Just to lighten the mood.

“Not even when you were mine.”

Instead of waiting for a reaction, Jane popped up to grab both plates and Rob’s glass. “Let me top you off first.”

Once in the kitchen, Jane set the plates in the sink and bit her finger. Things are going well. Things are going well.

In a flash, Jane was back in her seat puffing on the joint. “Well, where do I begin?” She smirked.

“The third time was truly the charm with, uh, all that shit. Five years clean now, besides this” she held the joint in the air before passing it back to Rob. “In one of my strung out manic moments, I bought a big cabin up in Crescent City and uh, it came in handy. After all the press and your band I-“

Jane swallowed. “And a shitty relationship, I’ve been holed up there since.” She smiled, her eyes drifting as she thought about home. “It’s quiet. My 3 friends are an old married couple and gay Steve. The rest of the people ‘sides the crew I surf with either have no idea who I am, or do and stay clear of me.”

Realizing how pathetic it sounded aloud, Jane sighed and shook her head. “But it’s good for me, ya know. No cable, no internet. Just the woods. LBC probably had a parade when I finally left town and I can’t really say I miss it but, It gets…lonely,” for the first time in what felt like minutes, Jane’s eyes broke from his. “But my track records not so great when it comes to being a girlfriend, yeah?” She chuckled, hoping he wouldn’t take her seriously, even though it was the truth. “And with that free time, I mastered yoga, finally learned the guitar, and even keep the house clean. And in a few days, it’s the big 3-3.”

Jane desperately scrambling to keep herself financially afloat until the larger checks came in didn’t seem like dinner table talk.

“I know the past was messy, and-and wild and fucked up. I would do so many things over if I could but,” she sighed, taking another second to take in his eyes, “but while we’re here, I wanna write with you again. We, uh, we used to write some really good shit. But, I have to get used to grown up daddy Rob. After all these years, no matter what billboards or articles I saw, when I thought of you, I still imagined you looked like when I last saw you.”

She was getting off track.

“I just want us to be…cool.”

If cool meant Rob confessing he was still in love with her and carrying her into his room, then she wasn’t lying.

“I’ve missed you, a lot. Relearning life without you next to me almost felt like another 12 step.”

Woah there. Divert.

“So, even though I don’t deserve it, can we be friends while we’re here?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

9.5 YEARS AGO

Jane staggered down the hallway of her and Rob’s apartment, her head pounding with each step from the previous night’s activities. The band, some friends, and members of the staff had gone out drinking, but soon it was just Jane and Rob left at a hole in the wall. He’d been suggesting they leave for a minute, but she wasn’t having it until she was too wasted to argue it.

As they walked out of the bar, they were slammed by flashing lights and men shouting their names. Jane instantly turned inward, and Rob put a protective arm around her, telling them something to the effect of “fuck off.” They were close to the edge of their line when one stuck a camera so close to Jane’s face that it grazed her eyelashes, and without a second thought, Jane swatted it. The camera, a very expensive looking at that, smashed into the ground. As the pieces scattered, Jane began to run, but the man grabbed a hold of her hair and used it to throw on the ground.

“That camera was worth more than your career, you whore!” the man yelled.

Jane was unsure what Rob did next as her eyes were squeezed shut. Whatever it was, it didn’t sound pleasant for the guy mourning his camera.

Now, the following morning, Jane entered the kitchen to see a nearly naked Rob preparing breakfast, but instead of taking a seat at the bar, she snuck up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to break it, he just got so close and-“ She squeezed harder and pressed a kiss into his back, her voice tuning down to just a whisper. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

PRESENT DAY

Jane, wrapped in nostalgia, was barged in on by Austin who insisted they take a ride to the beach in the truck he rented. It only took a minute to convince her; daydreaming about Rob was only making her feel worse.

“Fine. But I’m not getting out.”

“That’s okay, bud,” Austin smiled, patting her head. “Let’s just get some fresh air, huh?”

***

Jane stared at the water in silence from the passenger window for what felt like hours, until the sound of Austin’s phone taking a photo made Jane freeze up. “What the fuck are you doing?” She snapped, grabbing the phone and examining the picture.

“Shit,” Austin sighed. “They still have you that fucked up, huh?”

After realizing her over reaction, Jane sighed through a chuckle and handed him back the phone. “I’m sorry. It’s been a while.”

“Look, I’m not gonna take Pennie’s Instagram away. But, I think it’s time that you put your life in your own words again instead of leaving it to the press.”

Jane’s chin rested on her knee as she stared out through the windshield. “I don’t know if I’m ready for it again. I bet even Sam still hates me, let alone the rest of the world.”

“Sam, I… Okay yeah. He and Harold still think you’re the cause of their financial downfall. But I’ll work on it.”

“And Rob?” Jane asked a bit too eagerly, embarrassing himself.

“He hasn’t mentioned you yet, J.”

“Please, Austin,” she begged, sincerity in her eyes. “I have no idea what he thinks of me. If he still hates me….or-or if he even thinks anything of me.” Admitting her own defeat, she looked back out to the Pacific. “I can’t read him anymore.”

Austin groaned. “I’ll tell you what. Let me make you this Instagram, and I’ll see what I can find out before your dinner. Okay?”

Jane smiled, throwing her arms around him. “Deal.”

***

Saying that Jane was distracted during the band’s writing session would be an understatement. Her eyes kept wandering to Rob who kept his focus on their task. This annoyed her immensely.

Austin sat with her for a bit and helped pick out some of the songs she had in a notebook that would work with the sound they were going for. Now with bands like Chelsea Wolfe out there, the acceptance of female fronted heavy bands had grown tremendously, and it was the perfect time for them to reenter the scene with force they once were. A lot of critics said that In Bloom had just been before their time, but she always thought that was bullshit.

“I’m pretty sure this one is TikTok dance material,” Austin joked, earning him an elbow in the stomach. “But really. These are good, we can work with them.”

Jane’s face lit up. Maybe she hadn’t lost it after all.

“We’ll start working on some songs, then we’ll get you in for melodies and go from there.” The rest of the writing session was dedicated to the musicians, Jane giving her input when needed. Once wrapped up, she scurried over to Austin as he was exiting the room.“Anything yet?” she whispered.

“Haven’t had the chance.”

Sam filed out after him, not bothering to look at Jane at all. Ouch.

Jane's eyes were burning a hole into the floor, until Rob snapped her out of her pity party.

“So,” Rob said between breaths. “Dinner?

She wanted to squeal like a teenager, but instead held back her smile as much as she could and nodded. "Yes. Let me cook for you. 7pm."

***

Jane would have been bored in the room if it wasn’t for the dreaded outfit choice. What said, “I know I’m your junkie ex-girlfriend you probably hoped to never see again, but here I am trying to wine and dine you into loving me again?”

And, she brought just the outfit.

No word from Austin, and if she didn’t start cooking now, dinner wouldn’t be ready by 7:00pm. She was going in blind. Jane made up an excuse as to why they weren’t going out to eat – something about reservations – but the actuality of it was much more complex.

Being away from her bubble was bringing not only feelings for Rob back, but all sorts of old feelings. The chance of being swarmed by the paparazzi was low, due to their just recent return back to the music scene, but with Rob and his famous ex-wife, it wasn’t gamble she was willing take.

No, this night needed to go perfectly. And her having a mental breakdown over photos being taken wasn’t in that plan. Instead, Jane prepared a chicken dish with asparagus, rice, paired with a red wine for Rob, and a cold water for herself.

Right around seven, before he could even get a word out, Jane rushed him to the backyard patio and told him to sit. The food and drinks were ready for them on the table, along with the firepit burning to keep them warm during the chilly evening.

Before sitting down, Jane twirled around to show off the tie-dye dress she was wearing. “Do you remember this thing? I found it in my closet and had to bring it.” Smirking as she watched Rob, she brought her hands to the straps delicately. “I probably fill it out much better than I did back then.”

Jesus, tone it down.

Jane took her seat and began to cut her food. “I hope its okay. I didn’t become a chef in my time off, but I’ve learned to make a few things. “Oh,” Jane smirked, grabbing a joint from behind her ear. It’d been covered by the hair she successfully teased into looking like she was nearly a 23-year-old rockstar again. “Not sure if you still smoke but, I…I rolled this for us.” Her smirk turned to a look of pleading, but instead of mentioning anything else, she allowed Rob to eat his food, holding back the barrage of questions she had for him. “I, uh, it’s been so weird to see you. To be here. But thanks for agreeing to dinner with me.”

Once he made a good dent into the dish, Jane cleared her throat. “So, I want to hear everything. Where are you living? How is being a studio musician? God, what’s it like to be a father?”

The pain of announcing he was a dad was quick, and Jane blinked it away. It could have been us.

The plan they made was to come back home from tour, regain monogamy, and start over. And God, was it good at first. Jane had never been happier, but nothing could fill the void like getting fucked up did. It was her fault she was alone and confined in her home at almost 33, and Rob got to live a life of love and experience in her absence.

Would he even like who she was now?

Jane grew timid. Tired. Scared of the world. Jaded. And that wasn’t who he fell in love with all those years ago. Looking at Rob, a matured, successful Rob in front of her…it was terrifying. It was almost like she stayed in Neverland and he grew up without her. But, why bring up the past right now when they could just catch up?

“Through the grapevine, I heard she’s a very pretty little girl,” Jane nodded, trying to get down the lump in her throat. She wouldn’t dare mention Mae, solely from the fact that she didn’t want to hear anything about her. She assumed Rob felt the same. “Does she want to play drums like Daddy?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“Oh, I – “ Jane, startled, whipped around, beaming at the voice she heard. But as quick as her excitement came, it was just her again.

What if she just went to his room now?

“No,” she said aloud to her own thoughts.

If Jane had a shot at proving to Rob that she changed for the better, trying to seduce him was probably not the best move. Especially on the first night.

She sighed in frustration and opened the tub of ice cream instead, deciding to escape her thoughts with some reality show on Netflix.

***

“I still can’t get over it,” Jane whispered, her nimble fingers rubbing the top of Austin’s head. “And this beard.” She had moved down the poof of hair and ran her fingers through it with a childlike curiosity.

“Will you braid it while we’re here?” Austin asked sincerely, causing her to chuckle.

“If that’s the look you’re going for, then sure, old friend.”

They had been the first awake – around 5:30 am – and after a joint in the backyard, they were preparing for livestream for Jane’s anonymous IG account. “You brought your disguise?”

“The sunglasses and hat? Yeah, I got it.” Austin chuckled at Jane’s seriousness. “No one’s figured this out yet?”

“There’ve been guesses, but none are close,” she responded as she tucked her hair into a cap and pulled the hood of her sweater on top. Next, a black pair of oversized round glasses that hid close to half her face. “It’s the only outlet I’ve had to create music without the…the –“

“The attention?”

“Yeah. Something like that,” Jane mumbled, grabbing her acoustic guitar case and handing it to Austin. “You sure you got the songs down fine?”

“Look at J, worried about my guitar playing. I know you got pretty good on that mountain of yours, but your still no Austin.”

Jane smiled, “you’re right.”

While Jane liked the anonymity of the account she created, it wasn’t because of lack of need for attention. Especially during the rough years, all she craved was attention, but it never quite filled the void she had.

7 YEARS AGO

The club reeked of cigar and cigarette smoke, hazy too, and Jane stumbled out from the locker room out onto the floor. She’d gotten too fucked up before work, but if she could just avoid –

Suddenly, Jane was falling to the floor, only to be picked up by her boss and Heart’s owner, Derik. “I told you, Pennie, the next time you can’t finish a shift because you’re nodding out, I’m kicking your ass out of here for good.”

“Let me jussst get a vodka red bull and I’ll wake right up!” Jane slurred, winking at her boss and brushing past him to the bar. “The usual,” she groaned to the bartender as she pulled the black fishnet sleeves up to cover the track marks that now inhabited both crooks of her elbows. The rest of her outfit consisted of a black bra, a black thong that peaked out over tiny black denim “shorts” and black fishnet stockings. While Jane never had what was considered a stripper’s body, between the implants and the crowd of old bikers, she developed a group of men who would come back just to see her.

Heroin, most of all, made it all bearable. It numbed Jane enough to ignore the faces and the harshness of the men she served, and instead, let her soak up the attention she craved. The feeling of hands on her. Of being wanted, and her just giving into it.

Heart’s was safe. The connections didn’t extend past the parking lot. These men went home to their wives, Jane went home to her trashed 20th floor apartment in Long Beach. There were no feelings involved, at least on Jane’s end, which kept her from getting her heart broken. Well, from getting her heart broken further.

“Up next, Pennie!” the DJ announced from his booth, causing a group of men up front to applaud.

Jane choked down the rest of her drink and stomping towards the stage, giving Mark the DJ a wink as a cue to start the song as she settled side stage in the dark.

“You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re not even that fucked up,” Jane mumbled to herself, smacking her face to wake herself up.

Deep Set filled the room at a roaring volume, the bass and drums of the song rumbling the wooden floor of the establishment. Jane’s black, platform boots ascended the stairs and the spotlight followed her to center stage. The usual crowd all called to Pennie, and that was all Jane needed to start, slowly grinding her hips as the denim shorts reached her heel, with precision, kicked them off to the sides stage, causing another cheer.

As Jane continued her normal routine, she noticed a man sitting in the back, and she paused completely for a split second to focus her eyes beyond the harsh stage lights. She’d have no luck until she was nearing the end of her song, much closer to the edge of stage where men were stuffing singles into what was left on her body. Definitely not Rob, but boy, did it look like him. To be fair, he could be any brunette man in his late twenties. It was enough.

But he wasn’t looking at her. At all. The patron, engrossed in his phone, sat their sipping his drink as Jane performed the end of the routine. The applause at the end didn’t evoke even one glance up.

After her song ended, Jane stormed off the stage, took a quick detour to the bar, then headed to the locker room for her next outfit. This one was red, lace, and head to toe, cut out to show “the goods.” Jane fixed this with a metallic red bikini underneath with a matching pair of horns attached to a headband. The tail attached to the thong of her bathing suit.

Checking herself in the mirror, a younger self flashed in her mind, and her boot kicked the wall of the bathroom.

”FUCK.”

Then - after another trip to the bar - she approached the lookalike as she finished her drink. The man put down his phone and looked up to her, evaluating her in a flash from head to toe as men usually do, and leaned back in his chair confidently.

“Would you like a dance?” Jane offered, focusing on not slurring the words.

The patron smiled but shook his head. “No, thank you.” He waited a few seconds, then picked his phone back up as he took a sip.

Jane blinked in confusion as his rejection but returned to seduction mode like a switch. “Firsssst, you don’t watch my dance…” Her legs, extended by her boots, stepped closer, and let a hand graze his shoulder. “There’sss the VIP room back…there,” her legs wobbled “and I’d like to - “

“Really,” the man spoke, this time more firmly. “No thank you.”

“Why come to the club then, huh? For the drinks?”

He scoffed and straightened up, seemingly enjoying the confrontation. “You’re not my type, sweetie.”

Jane raised an eyebrow, now much too invested to break away from the conversation. If her pseudo-Rob didn’t want her, she desperately wanted to hear why. What wasn’t enough for him? “Yeah? What’s your type then?”

“You know,” he started, “classier.”

“You know where you are, right?”

“Well, Pennie, the… the skinny, heroin chic thing isn’t for me. I know you must clean up nice around here. The bikers love the young, fucked up ones who daddy didn’t love enough, you know?”

Jane’s eyes shut tight at the harsh words. She swallowed the lump in her throat and reopened them to find the lookalike staring right at her.

“You know that singer, Mae? God, she’s so sexy but it’s subtle. She looks like someone you could bring home to mom but completely ravage later that night.”

Now, Jane couldn’t tell you what happened next. Her following memory was her knees and hands smacking the sidewalk, the momentum carrying her a few inches before she rolled off the curb. She could hear the mumbled yell of Derik, yelling something about her being a junkie.

She crawled back up to the sidewalk and first removed her boots, tossing them next to her. Next, using a parking sign’s pole, Jane heaved herself up, groaning in both defeat and pain until she turned the corner, leading to her break area - a grassy alleyway that eventually led to the back of the strip’s stores. Instead, Jane found her usual spot next to a patch of bushes and dropped, sighing weakly. Her phone, her money, anything that could get her home without walking twenty blocks at 3 AM in a crimson red cat suit, was all in her bag in her locker.

Jane buried her hands into the fold of her knees and shivered, rocking back and forth with her eyes closed. If she waited until around 6:30 AM, the coffee shop would open, and she could use a –

“Need a shirt?”

Jane scrambled back against the brick wall, putting out a bare foot as if it’d keep her safe.

“Club’s that way,” she instructed, pointing a finger out.

“No, no,” the man put his hands up and backed away. “I am walking back to my hotel; I saw something red in the bushes.” Accent detected, probably just a tourist.

But the goofy smile he offered allowed Jane to lower her foot, then she returned to hugging her knees. “You have an extra?”

“Always do when I travel,” he grunted, throwing the backpack around his front and in a moment, tossed a rolled up gray shirt at Jane.

“Thank you.”

“Sure. Now,” he crouched down, his eyes showing concern. “Doesn’t look like you had a pocket for a phone. Need to make a call?”

“P-Please. Thank you.” She watched him with curiosity as his arms disappeared back into the backpack. “Why are you in LB? Probably lots of better places to visit in California.”

“While I’ve been to California many times, this city was actually on my bucket list for a while. Lots of my favorite music came from here.”

Jane snorted. “What, Sublime?”

Without answering, he winked and handed her the phone, standing and walking away to allow privacy.

“Austin?…last strike…will you come get me? I, uh, I think I attacked a customer….yeah, I’m around the corner in the alley…you’ll have to go to my locker and get my shit…okay…thank you.”

By the end of the call, her voice crumpled to a whisper, and the phone was returned to the stranger.

“Thank you…I didn’t get your name.”

“Dante. What do you go by?”

“Well, it was Pennie,” she laughed as she stood. “It’s, uh, something from an ex that I can’t get over. But I think my career officially ended tonight.”

“With an I-E at the end?”

Jane cocked her head to the side with amusement. “How’d you know?”

“Just a feeling,” he smiled, throwing his backpack and offering a hand. “Well, Pennie, I have a very early, very long flight in about three hours. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.”

Jane shook his hand. “Thank you again. My friend lives right down the street, should be here any second.”

“Good luck. I hope you get better soon.”

Before Jane could ask what he meant, his silhouette vanished around the corner, and Austin’s motor broke the silent night as it arrived to the mouth of the alley.

She ran up as he turned off the car and headed for the front door of Heart’s, not looking back.

“Austin, I’m sor-“

“I am not dealing with you yet,” he yelled back as he continued down the sidewalk.

She gave up, plopping into the front seat of the Camaro with a huff as so Austin disappeared inside the club. Jane pulled down the visor and slid the mirror cover to the side, revealing the result of the night. Black make-up now traveled around her sunken eyes. Fingerprints of dried blood spotted her face. Her skin was dry, her hair hadn’t been brushed for at least a month. She barely recognized herself.

The duffel bag whipped past her in the back seat, following Austin plopping in the front. Curly hair exploded out of a bun behind his head, and he was still in his plaid pajama bottoms. By the way the car jerked out of the spot and sped down the road, he wasn’t pleased.

Jane’s upper half dove into the back to retrieve her things, ignoring the pain in her elbows from movement and digging with fervor through what sounded like an entire aisle of a store.

“You’re not banging that shit in my car, J.”

“I know, I know. Just getting it ready.”

There was silence until Jane noticed them zoom past her street. “What are - “

“We’re going to the park.”

Fuck

***

Austin waited in the car as Jane reappeared from the park’s tree line, wobbling happily in the headlights’ beam.

“We’re gonna talk now,” Austin declared, putting the windows down and turning the ignition off.

“I just got high, I don’t-“

“Correction, I’m gonna talk now.”

Jane, not wanting to text him further, nodded in submission and folded herself comfortably for the long haul in the passenger seat.

“I’m moving to Arizona next week. Well, on Monday.”

Jane’s expression didn’t change, it rarely did when she was high, but her chest began to constrict.

“I finally stopped just talking about it. The semester starts in two weeks, and I’m enrolled. I have an apartment ready to go and guaranteed placement after I graduate.”

It was so much to take in. If her head wasn’t already spinning, it surely was now. As a sign she was still listening, Jane nodded again.

“I didn’t tell you, well, because I wasn’t sure you could handle it.”

Ouch.

“But I gotta move on. I’m done with Long Beach, with California. I don’t even know why you stay - the whole town blacklisted you…backed you into the one place that would take you.”

“Hey,” Jane interjected, attempting to sound assertive, but it could’ve been a question.

“No, J. You don’t need the fucking money. I don’t get why you even do it.”

“I’m so lonely, Austin,” her voice cracked to an inaudible breath as she screamed. Tears began to pour. The shirt the Dante gave her was now dabbing her eyes. “It’s fine. You don’t need to take care of me anymore,” she sighed, refusing to look anywhere but out at the trees through the passenger window.

Austin sighed, rubbing his head. “You can’t do this to me anymore.”

“Oh, do what to you, Austin? Take you, Sam and Rob to the fucking top while I’m stuck in the gutter?” Jane was beginning to make a plan in her head on how to get home once she left the vehicle when Austin made her turn in her seat.

“You love the gutter,” he responded, his words dripping with venom. “You’ve turned into this…this hot and cold, manipulative monster. I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.”

Back to a dead expression, Jane nodded. Then, they sat staring the other waiting for the next move. She wasn’t budging.

“I miss you, J. The old you. You were this ball of fun and chaos and power. You lit up the room. Now, you…”

Now Austin turned away, clearing his throat and releasing the knuckles that gripped the steering wheel.

“I know I’m the only one you have left.” His voice took a deeper tone, masking any emotion hiding below the surface. “Arizona is going to be so good for me, but I’m scared I’m gonna get the call.”

Jane’s eyes shut. That was the worst to hear of all.

“I’ve already seen you start to overdose, J, and that fucked me up. I know you didn’t even think about what it did to me, but seeing you - seeing anyone like that...”

“You’re asking me to go back,” Jane whispered. Her face twisted into a grimace. “You want me to go back there.”

“You have the money, Pennie,” he teased, ruffling her hair. “And you’re a fucking wreck.”

The remark caused Jane to snort, and soon the two were laughing.

After a few more minutes of going over finer details, and of course, a gentlemen’s handshake, they were heading towards New Beginnings, a top of the line, spa-like rehab in Malibu that felt like more like a resort than a medical facility. To be fair, Jane took none of it seriously the first time around. She said and did the right things, rushing out of the program as fast as she could.

Her reasoning? She’d have a shot to get Rob back if she was clean. They hadn’t spoken since she left, but maybe…just maybe, he’d give her a chance again to make things right.

But, by the time Jane gotten her act together enough to the naked eye, Rob was with Mae.

“Have you still not gotten over him? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great stripper name.”

Jane laughed as she worked the lace body suit off her body without removing the shirt, contorting her body until it was fully off. Next, a pair of soft shorts were wriggled on over the metallic red bottoms.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him….” Saying it out loud felt freeing yet damning. As if it didn’t really count until it was said aloud. “It’s been almost three years, and just when I think he’s off my mind, he’s there again. A dream, the fucking band being plastered everywhere, a familiar smell or, or song or…”

She stopped herself before the tears came again.

“I was his best friend. I was the one there for him all his life. He was everything and he just…he left. He fucking left and moved on, and I just fucking can’t. It should’ve been him and I like that, like MAE. It was always supposed to be us forever and…”

Austin sighed deeply, obviously mooring over the information he was given. For someone who looked like Spicoli, the man had wisdom. “I fucked up bad. I never told him I was using…I just…If I get clean, maybe –“

“It’s been a while since I spoke to him, J, but he seems happy. And not Rob’s fake-happy we all know. He’s in love.”

Austin might as well have plunged a dagger in her chest. Jane’s teeth clenched, but a few breaths later, she let the air out and resumed her demeanor. “Then, I’m happy for him.”

“Then, I’m proud of you,” Austin smiled, nudging her shoulder.

Jane still wasn’t sure if Austin believed her that night, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Jane’s happiness for Rob wouldn’t come for a couple years, but for now, Jane’s distaste for Mae grew by the day.

“I still don’t like her.”

Austin laughed. They were pulling into parking lot of the rehab. “Well, you don’t have to. By the way, where the fuck did you get that shirt?”

“Huh?” Jane replied, not registering at first what he meant. “Oh.” She looked down to see a faded, cracked In Bloom logo.

“I thought you donated the rest of the merch you had,” Austin laughed, examining the shirt. “That’s from before we ever went on tour.”

“Wow.” Jane put all the pieces together in her mind, but it wasn’t worth the story. “Musta slipped through the cracks.

***

PRESENT DAY

“Hey, Austin?”

“Yeah,” he responded. He had been adjusting the strap on Jane’s guitar to fit him.

“Thanks for that night you got me at Heart’s and checked me in. I, uh. I owe you a lot.” She approached him and held out her hands.

He took them and smiled. “Well, obviously I didn’t do that great of a job. Ya went back, you know.”

Jane rolled her eyes, but a smile was plastered onto her face. “You’ve always been a great friend.”

“I can’t say the same about you,” they both paused to laugh, “but I’ll always care about you, J. Just, for everyone’s sakes, please don’t relapse again.”

Jane shook her head. “No way. I like where I’m at now.”

“You look good. Healthy, hydrated…”

Austin’s eyes paused on her chest, and Jane flipped him off.

“Sorry, I totally forgot you got those things.”

Jane chuckled and sat on her stool that sat in front of a studio microphone. “I’ve been so single, I forget I have them, too.”

With her headphones on, the two fiddled around with the sound for around five minutes until they were satisfied.

As Jane was setting up her phone to go live, Austin signaled for her to wait. “Hey, what made you bring that night up anyway?”

“Well…” Jane grunted. The countdown started, and she ran back to the stool and turned to Austin. “You’re about to find out.”

Before anyone entered, Jane checked to confirm all signed of blonde were tucked back into the hoodie. “It usually takes a minute to get some people in.”

Around the 2-minute mark, they had about forty people viewing, the chat already pinging about the new person on camera.

“Hey guys. It’s Pennie.”

“Jeeeesus,” Austin sighed, causing Jane to punch him in the shoulder.

“This is my friend Arthur. He’s a dick, but he grows on you.” Jane displayed him like Vanna White, and the comments began to light up. “Oooo, the ladies like you, Arthur.”

“Hi, ladies,” Austin said shyly, waving a hand.

“Alright, we got a few songs for you guys, AND, Arthur is way better on the guitar than me. Ready?”

He nodded. “Let’s do it.”

***

“I mean,” Austin panted, chasing up the steps after Jane, “even when I listened to that song I thought of you guys. It’s a little on the nose.”

The song, Lullabies, was the last song they were covering, but Jane broke down, ended the live feed, and dashed up upstairs with her phone.

“Come in my room,” Jane whispered harshly with wide eyes.

Once the door clicked behind them, Jane plopped on her bed. “I’m still not over him, Aust.”

“No, no, no,” Austin waved his hands and paced. “I am not doing this again. Do you remember how things went last time?”

Jane waved a hand. “We were kids. I was fucked up. It’s different now.”

“I’m not doing it. You guys are going to have to work it out by yourselves.” Austin turned the knob of the door when Jane uttered a sentence that was too good for him to ignore.

“So, you think me inviting him out to dinner after we write is a bad idea?”

Austin released his well formed muscles and dropped his shoulders sighing. He wouldn’t look back at her. “I happen to think that’s a very good idea.” With that, he left the room, leaving her to devise her plan.

It wasn’t a great plan.

Jane put on a tank top, some frayed white shorts, topped with a hoodie that hung loosely on her arms. She also flipped her hair up and down and shook it with her fingers, attempting to recreate the same she had years ago. It’d never be the same – years of not brushing weren’t part of her routine anymore – but once satisfied, she tiptoed down the hall of bedrooms until she reached Rob’s door.

Knock knock. “Rob?”

Nothing.

Knock knock knock. “Rob? It’s J, I’m coming in….”

The door, unlocked, opened slowly, revealing Rob shirtless in bed. It the heat of the moment, it was hard to decipher if he was awake or not. But, Jane didn’t care.

God, he aged well.

“Hi,” she spoke, letting only a smirk show. “I, uh…I figured since we’re living together for the next few weeks it might be good for us to…you know, catch up?” Jane winced at her own words. “We can eat in the backyard, or find somewhere private, its up…” she felt like she’d been rambling for hours already. “Don’t need an answer now, sorry to barge in…I, I’ll see you downstairs later.”

Jane closed the door behind her and bolted back to her the safety of her bedroom, screaming into her pillow once diving into the bed.

Why was it so hard to talk to him now?

Of all the fantasies Jane had of the two of them seeing each other again, none of them included rambling like an idiot. This was obviously going to take a lot more than a tank top and a dinner to get over. The weirdness. And, Jane assumed, his hate for her. It be a mission, but god damn it, she was going to get Rob back, whether it was now or later.

In Bloom: The Reunion

“Shit.”

An alarm, set to a system, shuffled through a list of songs and picked a different one each morning at 5:30 AM. Today’s was The Cult of Dionysus by The Orion Experience

A poof of blonde hair popped over a black comforter as an arm, disturbing a tabby cat named Sin, darted toward all the commotion until silence took back over the bedroom. Sin, already being awake, was now doing his morning nuzzle, digging his nose deep until he found another.

“Hey, bud,” grumbled Jane. She did a series of stretches in bed as the cat plopped down the floor and padded away, most likely waiting for the door to open.

That door would open twenty minutes later with Jane, fully dressed in her wet suit, board under her arm, and her keys in her mouth. “Don’t bring me any more rats,” she instructed to the cat sternly, spit bubbling at her lips, but without even a glance, Sin ran out the door and scampered across the yard near a line of trees.

Jane started the Bronco, illuminating the otherwise dark yard and highlighting the stark incline that began about twenty feet behind the house. Living alone in the NorCal mountains may be a bit isolating to most, but at this point, the solitude was a welcome constant. There were neighbors here and there. Steve, a thirty-something gay man with tons of dating drama who lived a half mile up the road would be taking care of the cat, and Lenny and Carol, who had a monthly gathering of everyone on the road at their two-bedroom cottage further down the hill. Jane preferred to visit by herself when she did.

This had become her routine not long after she had moved in. Errands and surfing before the sun came up meant less people to see. Depending on weather, Jane would reemerge again before dusk to enjoy the sunset with just a short hike. But however, this would probably be the last morning that goes as planned.

***
YESTERDAY

Cora: So Jane, you haven’t been spotted in 5 years – where have you been? What have you been doing? It’s been stated multiple times that you won’t speak of the of the 5 years before that.

Jane picked feverishly at her nails, keeping her eyes on her dining room table now topped with recording equipment, a reporter, and a photographer. Jane slid her sunglasses on to avoid the flashing light.

Jane: Uh, I’d rather keep our location private for now if that’s okay…
Cora: Yes, yes, of course - and don’t worry about the voice recorder, it’s just in case I miss anything.
Jane: O-okay.

Swallowing the anxiety welling up in her chest and breathing it out slowly, just as her therapist taught her, she nodded and brought her eyes to the reporter.

Jane: Sorry. I haven’t spoken publicly in so long…Any way, I still release little acoustic via an anonymous Instagram, which I plan to keep that way. I still surf, just before the suns up.

Jane paused and scanned the home around her, the best investment she had made with her gold rush from In Bloom, besides the pair of C cup breasts purchased during her stripping days at Hearts, a club ran and patronized by mostly 1%-ers. Movie and show posters lined the vaulted ceilings of the painted-black living room, completed by a fireplace and couches that looked as if they could swallow you whole. A spiral staircase led to the upstairs containing her room, a guest room, and a loft that overlooked the first floor. Jane had jumped from there over the railing years ago, only breaking an ankle.

Jane: I’ve found a lot of peace in solitude, and I think that’s been a huge factor in keeping me clean.
Cora: Ah yes, that was in our line of questions –
Jane: Of course it was.

The reporter looked up to Jane, making note of her snide comment, but flicked her eyes back down to find whatever page the information was on.

Cora: It says here that you’re last time in rehab was five years ago. What made you go back that last time?
Jane: Wow, um…Let’s just say, I was sick of repeating the same mistakes in my life over and over again. The media wouldn’t leave me alone, and I just wanted to escape it all. The, uh…The last time I went in was for cocaine, heroin, and alcohol, which were always my issues. And I haven’t touched them since.
Cora: If I’m not mistaken, that’s the first time you’re publicly confirming what you were in rehab for.
Jane: [sigh] That’s correct.
Cora: How is living this normal life – this life in solitude – compared to how it once was? Does it get boring? I can’t imagine the girl who the song My Little RnR is written about is now a saint. Do you at least still live as sexually liberated as you did in your twenties?

Jane giggled at the memory of that song, biting the edge of her thumb nail, but as she continued, Jane’s expression grew sour. “Five more minutes.”.

Jane: No. I have a cat, Sin, who I’ll miss a bunch. He’s been the only person in my bed in years. And, I mean, I have some neighbors I’m close to. But, if I’ve learned anything since I had my fifteen minutes of fame, it’s just…

Jane bit too deep, and she felt warm blood rush into her mouth. Her fist retracted back into her hoody’s sleeve to conceal it.

Jane: Being alone is just what’s best for me.

Cora motioned for her to continue with a ‘but,’ reminding Jane of the reason they were all there.

Jane: but…I’m excited to possibly see my old bandmates and give everyone what they’re asking for.

Jane nodded to signal Cora that she was done, but Cora shook her head, them both knowing what was coming next.

Cora: Speaking of, how do you feel about seeing Rob Pennie again? Have you guys spoken at all? And how did you feel about his divorce that –

Jane put her hands flat on the table and leaned into the microphone so that her voice would be much louder in Cora’s ears. The woman’s eyes squinted.

Jane: I am really hoping that Rob is ready to write music because that’s what we’re here for! About music! Not me! Not fucking Rob! Not –

Cora slammed a finger on the STOP button of the recorder and sighed as she stood, obviously frustrated by her interviewee’s actions.

“Marcos, get a couple shots of her on her patio, then we’re done here.”

Jane smiled brightly as Cora packed her things and headed for the car, following Marcos to take the picture they needed for the web article releasing the following day.

***

By the time Jane reached the beach, Of course, In Bloom had been playing, but this was the first time she didn’t change the radio before the jockey could even finish his unfunny quip about them ‘rising from the ashes’ or whatever cheesy analogy they chose that day. Nope, she might as well get used to hearing it, so she sat with her eyes closed with the vehicle vibrating beneath her, until the song changed to MAE’s top 40 hit on the blah blah blah. She noted that time read 6:02 before punching the button on the radio with fervor and turned the keys towards her.

Jane had nothing against Mae, the person. Well, she knew logically she shouldn’t.

So what? Her ex-boyfriend, the first and last person she probably ever loved, got married to a pop superstar and their stupid, in-love faces were on every social media platform, music channel, YouTube suggestion…Jane would never give them the credit out loud, this very much propelled much further under the rock she was safe under. Can’t see Rob’s face everywhere if you don’t go on the internet.

The only moments of happiness that Jane got were from the good news about Rob. That he was still successful as a musician. That he had a daughter.

He got divorced.

While that news did instill a bit of hope in her, Jane doubted that Rob was nothing but absolutely in love with Mae at one point, enough to follow behind her all over the world. Enough to have a child with her.

Over the years, she pondered over infinite what-ifs, but one that haunted her was becoming more and more prominent.

What if that had been Jane instead?

Jane shook her head and peered out at the horizon, slowly becoming light and lighter shades of blue.
A few familiar cars dotted the otherwise abandoned parking lot. The usual crew, all kind people. But Jane figured they were the same as anyone else, just polite enough not to ask questions.

This would probably be the last time it’d be this peaceful. Hell, she’d probably move again. No part of Jane wanted to return to the lifestyle she had. The partying, the night life, the drugs. Losing the person she loved, her best friend.

Jane put her earbuds in and hopping down to the ground and grabbing her board from the trunk. She hit shuffle, ready to hit next on whatever song as usually did, but after the first few chords, she slid the phone into the pocket of her wetsuit and started the half-mile down the rocky coastline, Transdermal Celebration by Ween blasting in her ears as her feet dug into the wet sand beneath her.

***

By the time her plane arrived in LA, Jane bit off each nail as far as it would go. The edible she took kept her calm as in, “keep-the-window-shut-and-pretend-you’re-on-the-ground” calm, but the anticipation of what was awaiting her once she landed kept her in a perpetual state of anxiety throughout the flight.

A black SUV picked her up from the airport, and Jane used the opportunity to dig through her luggage and pull a hoody over her head to hide the currently braless chest she covered with a tank top. She decided that dressing modest would be the best choice while she was staying at the house. Jane knew must have Rob hated her no matter what, but Jane didn’t even want to give herself the hope.

The drive was shorter than expected; she was just deciding on whether to throw some bronzer on to disguise how pale she must’ve been compared to the last time Rob had seen her, but as the SUV ascended the driveway, Jane sighed and threw the makeup back into the bag she had in her lap. As soon as she exited, Jane could hear the pounding of drums booming from the stomach of the house, and Jane’s limbs began to tremor with anxiety. If this was 7 years ago, she’d be too fucked up to care. Now, seeing him was all she could think about.

A jacket hung in the entry way above of a pair of shoes, and although the drumming pointed to who arrived first, Jane couldn’t help herself. She looked around in a split second before burying her face in its fabric and taking a deep inhale. It was Rob alright; the few things she had left behind smelt the same way at one point. Seconds had past, lost in nostalgia, when a specific roll across the drum set snapped her back into reality.

Shaking herself out of the nonsense, Jane - with great effort - dragged her things across the home until she reached the bedrooms. Rob had taken one, surprisingly not the master suite. “Well, if he’s not taking it, I’m not fucking taking it,” she grumbled as she pulled the bags further until reaching a room and pushing them near the bed.

Lighting a joint as she looked in a mirror, Jane released her hair from the braid it was in and shook her head so that its length unfurled to the middle of her back. Due to not being in the sun, the hair to her shoulders was her natural color – a dark, ashy blond/brown, while the ends remained bleached from the sun. She then brushed it out and threw it behind her shoulder. A tube of mascara was eventually retrieved from her bag, and she swiped the applicator across her lashes, then she pinched her freckled cheeks to help bring back color to her face, drained of blood from nerves.

Taking her time down the stairs, her feet quietly tip toed until she could see an office – no, a sound booth. Beyond that held the drum kit that was being beat to shit, along with the one fear Jane refused to face head-on in ten years.

She watched for as long as she could, admiring the man she once was inseparable from. She couldn’t make out his features from here, just his form, but the fact he was even so close was entrancing enough. That is, until she found herself entering the booth and sitting down, only glass and 10 feet between them. It hadn’t been more than five seconds as Jane grabbed the microphone meant for talking to the musicians in the recording booth and pressed the button down.

Jane’s voice crackled over the speaker; it only took a “Rob” to bring the drumming to a halt. Before he could make eye contact, fight or flight instinct kicked in, and Jane swiveled the chair around. Her finger stayed on the button.

After a breath, her body reluctantly turned back and Jane’s eyes met Rob’s, and her heart felt like it was melting and breaking simultaneously. Sure, she’d seen him in photos and videos over the years, but something about having those eyes on her again after nearly a decade made her spine shiver.

“Sorry for interrupting, I…”

He aged exactly like she imagined he would. Still ruggedly handsome, but he carried a weight of a man now, creating little crow’s feet and a few silver hairs here and there. From where she was, his arms - the object of many happy memories of him - also looked the same. Warm, dark, safe. His hands. He was so similar, but so different. They lived their lives without each other after being inseparable for years. Who was he now?

“Hi,” Jane whispered, lips barely moving, growing distracted as she observed the familiar stranger. With all the emotions she was feeling inside, she couldn’t tell she wanted to scramble away up the stairs or to run through the door and tackle him.
Neither would happen.

“I…I wanted to say unless we’re writing I’ll stay out of your way. I don’t deserve forgiveness, just…”

Warm tears began to well, and using the sleeve of her sweater, Jane attempted to blot them away inconspicuously as she regained control of her voice.

“I’m glad it was you who made it with music. You deserve it. And, you’re a father now…I’m so proud of you…and I’ve mis-“

Realizing where her words were taking her, she momentarily released the mic’s button and took a dramatic breath.

“I’ll be in my room the rest of the night. Evan wants an update by 9pm tomorrow, so we’ll figure out something before then.”

Letting go of the button for the last time, Jane crept away facing him until her back touched the open door, causing her to finally rip her focus from Rob and to the staircase, which she ascended as hastily as possible without looking like she was sprinting.

One back in the safety of her room, the door swung shut and was locked. Jane sunk to floor, and tears started to pour. Kody – a mid-50s butch woman who was her sponsor – always told her to deal with Rob proactively so that she didn’t end up backing herself in a corner, but Jane was much too late for that.

She had missed everything.

As her sobs reached louder levels, she climbed to the bed and stuffed her face into the pillows, punching as she did. Jane made peace that she’d be in love with Rob forever, but that was long before she ever thought she’d see him again. Being in the same house with him was just going to be torture.

“Two weeks,” she whispered aloud then flipped around, taking a deep breath. Two fingers wiped under her eyes and confirmed the mascara she had put on was already running. Why did she even try? If Jane found it difficult to be there with Rob, she couldn’t imagine how Rob must be feeling.

And that’s why she decided that she’d eat dinner out of the minifridge and let him roam the house tonight without her in the way. It was all for his sake…right?

***

It was near 10 pm when Jane’s stomach gurgled with hunger. Turns out besides some peanuts, the minifridge didn’t have much to offer other than an array of alcohol, so Jane scooped the bottles in her arms, exited the room in silence, and tip toed to the kitchen. The drumming had stopped for a while, but Jane listened to the door for the past 20 minutes before making her move.

To not run into him, for his sake of course.

Once the bottles made it to the marble countertop, Jane rushed to the fridge to grab what she could to satiate her. Hummus, celery, a bottle of water, and a pint of chocolate ice cream made its way into her grasp, then she rushed back to the room, hearing the plastic hummus container clunking onto the floor behind her but deciding it wasn’t important enough to risk going back for.

Nearly drifting into her room, Jane whipped the door shut accidentally causing it to slam. “Sorry!” she yelled out to him, if he could hear her.

Now, equipped with the snacks she grabbed, she could at least make it through the nights without any run-ins with Rob.

In Bloom: The Reunion

NAME: Jane ‘J’ Malloy

AGE: 32

FAVORITE SONG: Lust Queen by Red Desert

APPEARANCE:

When Jane and the rest of In Bloom came back from their tour ten years ago, she was lost. They had loads of cash, success and fame, everything that she’d dreamt of as a young girl – but it didn’t fill the void. Nothing did. Andy was gone, and her and Rob could get back to normal life and relationship. But, with more and more pressure from management, labels, producers, and the rest of the world, Jane crumbled.

Her partying led her to rock bottom in less than a year of returning home. Booze throughout the day which was leveled out by the blow, going out and taking whatever was given to her, coming home angry, confused. The number of incidents in front of paparazzi was growing by the week.

That was around when it happened.

It – whatever it fucking was – was the cataclysmic event that took place between her and Rob. Jane had tried for the past nine years to remember what the hell happened that night, what she’d said to make him pack up his things and leave the following morning. What she did remember was waking up halfway on the couch to a half empty loft. Only a few tee shirts, a drumstick, and a photobooth strip of the two of them were all she had left of Rob, found in the back of their closet.

About a year later, Jane was rushed to the hospital by Austin, who found her foaming at the mouth with a syringe in her arm on her bed. She’d just started overdosing, and the only memory she had of that were flashing lights and people in white rushing around her. A nurse called her a junkie.

That led to the first stint in rehab. Jane was anything but receptive at first, remaining closed off to the doctors, therapists, and those around her. She had 30 days in a luxury facility that she spent either by the pool or in the room [if she wasn’t mandated to be elsewhere.]

The second round, a year later, was the one that began to stick. Her therapist cracked her wide open – Jane was talking about the death of her mother, the tour, what happened between her and best friend, and how fucking lonely she had been since it all.

Her newfound sobriety had her lusting for life again, and more importantly to her, surfing again. That’s where she’d met Nico. It was a bit of a whirlwind, her still being vulnerable and him just getting out of a relationship. They lasted a year, but it turned sour much sooner, as they both brought out the anger issues in each other. Too like an event in the past, Nico grabbed the few things he had in her loft and left.

The third round in rehab, 5 years ago, was truly the one that stuck. It’d been nearly exactly that long since she’d touched a drop of alcohol or done any substance [besides weed, which she keeps hidden her sponsor]. It had also been five years since Jane had a partner, a friend, or had really left her property she had purchased in the mountains since. The media wasn’t kind to her in the past – Jane couldn’t blame them – but the constant berating wore her down, so confined to her home she remained. A private IG account was created so that she could put out some acoustic songs when she wanted, and about 500 fans followed that. The rest of the world - she hoped - could forget who she was until the money ran out.

And the money was running out.

When Jane first got the call, it sounded to her like she’d be working alone in an AirBnB, able to record at her leisure. And, getting paid a lot of money to do it all. A fantasy for someone who loved to make music but also wanted to be left alone. It wasn’t until the day before the trip that it was made clear that it wasn’t just her. There’d be others there. And not just any others, the others. They’d not gotten in contact with Sam or Austin yet, but they did get in contact with one.

Jane’s biggest fear. The only one she’d refused to confront all these years.

Rob.