megatrash

In Bloom: The Reunion

FOUR YEARS AGO

News broke about Mae’s pregnancy. She was having a girl. Rob was having a girl. Jane heard it on the radio while she was heading for her morning surf session, during which she completely wiped out and had to go home early.

For the rest of the day, Jane paced around her home in a panic. Kody was out of town on a trip with her girlfriend. Dr. Michal was booked for the day according to her receptionist. She hadn’t talked to Mia in two years. Any other bridge she could think of, she already burned. She even considered calling Austin, but she couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone.

By 5:00AM the following morning, she hadn’t slept, and with tears in her eyes, she drove out to Crescent Beach Overlook with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her passenger seat that she had picked up from the liquor store earlier. Somehow, for now, it was still sealed.

Stuck on You by Failure blared in her headphones as she looked over the waves crashing against the rocks. The sun was just starting to come up behind her, illuminating the scene. The wind whipped around her which caused her hair to stick to the tears.

Rob was having a child. God, she hadn’t talked to him in five years. But yet, every major life event she became privy to made her spiral. Before she got sober, the news of his wedding caused a week-long bender of cocaine and heroine that she almost didn’t make it out of. But this one stung even worse. Memories of her abortion when they got back to the states from their tour had been flashing in and out of her mind all night.

Now, she leaned up against the railing looking down at the water below her, wondering how she fucked up so bad that this is where ended up while Rob was starting a family. At this point, she started sobbing, letting her voice carry and get lost into the atmosphere.

Jane wondered when the last time was that she crossed Rob’s mind. Did he have such a reaction when the “Jane’s Addiction” news articles circulated? Probably not, she thought. He’s the one that left her. He’s the one that was done. He’s the one with a wife and child on the way.

The press stopped after Jane disappeared and got sober, but as she looked down at the bottle clutched in her first, the thought of a piece popping up about her relapsing this time made her nauseous. She imagined the look of Rob’s disappointment finding out she was using again. She thought of Austin getting the news, although he probably wouldn’t be surprised at this point.

On top of disappointing a man she may never see again, Jane already knew that if she relapsed right now, it would only push her even further behind. Rob was making a family. Austin found a career. And Jane would be getting sober for the third time, starting over yet again. She’d be even further away from having a family of her own, from achieving anything more than being a washed up rock star.

Jane looked at the bottle again and shook her head. She couldn’t use again. She already had a year sober under her belt.

It took all of Jane’s willpower, but she cracked the seal, held it out in front of her, and dumped the contents over the railing onto the shore below her. Leaving the empty bottle on the deck, she headed for her car to go home and hopefully sleep it off instead.

FRIDAY NIGHT

“Fuck,” Jane muttered as she paced the alley behind the venue. Her third newport in a row was about halfway done, and according to the time, she had about ten minutes before In Bloom took the stage for the first time in a decade.

Not only was Jane terrified, but God, she wanted a drink. The last time she wanted a drink this bad was that morning on Crescent Beach Overlook.

The rest of the band was in the green room preparing for the set. She would have loved to join them, but she couldn’t tell if she was about to throw up or drink through their rider.

When they arrived about an hour ago, a line had wrapped around the bar and down the block awaiting entry, and the sight made her feel faint. Was she ready to face a crowd again? To put herself in the spotlight for the world to see? Solitude, while lonely, grew to be so comfortable. This, this was uncomfortable to the max. And not being able to have a drink to calm down was causing Jane’s chest to constrict.

An alarm on her phone went off, signaling that there was five minutes left. She flicked the cigarette and began warming up her voice, just as Austin appeared at the back door.

“You good?” He asked, cocking his head to the side. He must have seen the panic on her face.

“Yeah,” Jane sighed. She shook the nerves out of her body. “Let’s do it.”

***

“And from right here in Long Beach, for the first time in the years, give it up for In Bloom!”

The band filed on stage one by one, taking their spots. Jane forced her legs to move, and she winced as the spotlight hit her eyes. She was shaking, but still waved to the crowd as she settled herself front and center. The crowd went wild, but she couldn’t find it in herself to meet anyone’s eyes. Instead, she used the old trick of focusing on the top of everyone’s heads towards the back of the room.

She then looked around her — and behind her — to Rob and the rest of the band to draw some sort of strength from them, then eventually faced the crowd.

“Hey, everybody,” Jane said into the microphone. The crowd, in response, greeted her back.

“My name is Jane. This is Austin, Sam and Rob. We’re In Bloom, and wow, it’s been a while.”

The crowd “woo”-ed.

“I’m gonna be honest. I haven’t done this in a long time, and I’m really nervous. So if you know any of the words, sing with me.”

She then looked at Sam and nodded, giving him the‘okay’ to play the opening riff to Veins, just like they practiced the day before.

”Just like we practiced,” Jane assured herself.

***

“We’re In Bloom, thanks for checking us out!”

Jane, along with the rest of the band, exited to stage into the green room, leaving behind a screaming crowd. She found the nearest wall and leaned against it. Her Temples t-shirt dabbed her forehead which was drenched in sweat along with the rest of her body.

It was by no means her best set. She messed up the words during one song, came in too early during another one. Her voice sounded alright compared to when she had more practice. But, overall, she was happy with her performance. Even more so, she was happy with how Austin, Sam and Rob played. To her, she’d never be able to guess that the band hadn’t played a show together in ten years.

“Great job, guys,” Jane panted, giving each one a squeeze on the shoulder as they passed her. Rob was last, and she held on a little longer.

Rob invited her to get away for the rest of the weekend to Joshua Tree. Once she confirmed, he said he’d handle the logistics, and they agreed to leave tomorrow morning together. Jane had been too nervous about the show to even think about going away for a night together, but now with the set out of the way, this was her next thing to ruminate and freak out about.

Jane removed her hand from his shoulder and smiled at him, attempting to not show one hint of nerves. He kept to himself the entire day as she had (under the guise of vocal rest when really, she was panicking in her room for most of the day) and Jane was starting to remember that he wasn’t the easiest to read. She made a mental note to dig into his mood once they were alone.

Austin chugged a Miller Lite that was in a bucket of ice and let out a yell. “Man, that was so sick!” He looked around to the rest of the room as he grinned from ear to ear. “I missed this shit.”

She laughed, patting him on the back. “Relax, old man. Aren’t you supposed to tutor a kid on Zoom at 9:00AM?”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I can’t wait to do that again and again.”

”Again and again.” They had yet to hear any more details about the tour, but she was attempting to practice patience instead of blowing up Evan for every detail he had so far. Who would be their support? How many shows? Maybe a call to him wouldn’t hurt.

They arrived back to the rental an hour later, and she immediately scurried to her room to reach out.

“Evan, hi, it’s Jane. Sorry it’s late, I was just hoping you had more info on this upcoming tour.”

“Well, we’re currently looking for one to two supporting acts to open for you guys. Once we lock those down, we can start booking dates and go from there.”

“Okay, okay,” Jane replied, biting her thumb nail. “Do you think you could look up a sound engineer for me? Her name is Lyla Thomas. She worked with the band years ago, and I’d love to have her back on the road with us.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, but it was difficult for Jane to tell by his tone how serious he took the request. “Was there anything else?”

“Just…what’s our timeline here?”

“Well, I haven’t made too much progress the past 24 hours. I’ve been working with the publicist putting out the MAE fire.”

“MAE fire?” Jan shot back, sitting up straight in her bed. “What happened?”

“When I talked to you about coming out of retirement, you told me to keep you out of the drama and on a need-to-know basis.”

“This sounds need-to-know, Evan.”

He sighed. “MAE is putting out a song by Sunday or Monday. Rob actually got her to move the release date from Friday so that In Bloom could have the spotlight for your show. But… the lyrics seem to be about him.”

She buried her head in her hands. “Jeez, okay. Have you read them?”

“No, no. And we’re hoping it doesn’t impact the band, but her fan base is known to be a tad obsessed.”

“Okay, have a good night.” Without waiting for him to respond, she hung up the call and tossed her phone to the other end of the bed.

Her head was spinning. It was no secret that Jane’s lyrics could have been about Rob, but she always assumed that him and everyone else wouldn’t think so because their relationship was so long ago. The songs could be about anybody at this point.

But for Mae to write a song about him after their divorce, that was a whole different animal.

She scoured her memories for every conversation that she had with Rob since she got here, but from everything he said about her, it seemed like they were in a good place. Why now? And… what were the lyrics about?

Jane felt herself fuming. Not only did Mae, perfect pop princess Mae, marry and have a child with the love of her life, but now, it seemed she was trying to smother In Bloom out of their second chance.

She charged out of her room and went to bang on Rob’s door, demanding answers, but before her fist could make contact, she froze. Would raging about his ex-wife to him help anything? Would he defend her? Would it impact how far they’ve come?

After standing in front of his door for what felt like an eternity, she made the decision to retreat and wash off the show instead. She was still heated, but a burning hot shower helped calm her down a bit. After that, it was already midnight, so Jane went straight to bed, even though the urge to rant to Rob was still there.

***

The phone alarm went off at 7:00AM, two hours before Jane and Rob were set to leave for Joshua Tree. She was tossing and turning throughout the night with the song and their trip looming.

Their relationship had made such progress since they arrived at the rental. They were talking like old friends, they shared a kiss—Jane was afraid to rock the boat by digging into what this song could be about. But on the other hand, if her fans were going to come after Rob and In Bloom, did she not have a right to know?

She also couldn’t help but wonder what Rob was expecting from this trip. A weekend away together, in her mind, meant romance…and sleeping together. Jane wasn’t sure if Rob was aware that she’s been celibate since getting sober, and maybe he was expecting her to be more like she was in her early twenties. Her last experience with Jared made her nervous, but at the very least, she knew Rob wouldn’t pressure her in that way. She figured it would just have to be an uncomfortable conversation. If she was willing to sleep with anyone anytime soon, it would be Rob, but she needed time to get comfortable around him again. She was alone for so long, even being around the band again was taking her some time to get used to.

Jane worked on packing a bag and getting herself prepared, then she headed for the kitchen to meet Rob about five minutes before they were leaving. She was wearing plain, cropped black t-shirt and a pair of denim cut offs, her sunglasses already on. Austin was head first in the fridge, but popped back out when he heard Jane setting her things on the counter.

“Big trip, huh?” he asked, nudging his head towards the duffel bag by her feet.

“I guess so,” Jane grimaced, preparing for Austin’s reaction.

“What? I’m not saying anything,” he responded to her facial expression. “None of my business.”

She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been oddly supportive lately.”

“New thing I’m trying,” he said through a smirk as he whisked some eggs that he grabbed from the fridge. “We’re all adults here. You’re sane and sober. As long as it doesn’t affect the band, then I’m staying out of it.”

“No matter what’s happened between us, Rob and I have always been able to play a show together.” In reality, if Jane lost Rob a second time, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to look at him again.

Austin raised his hands. “That’s all I ask.”

Jane heard Rob emerge from his room, and she swiveled around on her barstool to face him. “Ready to head out?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“So,” Evan started, “you guys are familiar with Alex’s Bar, right?”

With that simple question, Jane’s fears were confirmed. She’d be on stage again for the first time in almost a decade. She’d be thrust into the spotlight once again for the world to see. To see and dissect. Chew up and spit out. Jane’s pulse quickened before a reassuring hand from Rob squeezed her thigh from under the table, and she momentarily looked to him and nodded as if to say that she was okay. She was too embarrassed to admit to the room that she had become terrified to do something she had done a thousand times before.

Then, tour was mentioned. Jane’s pulse was now beating in her ears so loudly, she could no longer hear the voices on speaker phone. Their last tour was traumatic to say the least, and she wasn’t sure she had it in her to do it again. Yes, she wasn’t drinking or using hard drugs anymore, and yes, they were all older and hopefully more mature. But the four of them being confined on a bus again, performing in front of hundreds of people (or more) a night, fans and media outlets clawing at any piece of their personal life they could. It could be a recipe for disaster.

Jane felt woozy. Why didn’t she see this coming? Was she that stupid to think she could come to Orange County for two weeks, write a couple songs, and that would be it? Of course they would want a performance. A tour. Everyone around them was waiting for this cash grab, and Lord knows she needed it herself.

Austin and Sam left the room after giving their blessing for the tour. Jane looked up to Rob, and his answer was written all over his face. Another “yes.”

As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t be the only one to say no. She couldn’t be responsible for not allowing In Bloom to have its second chance. She had already been the reason the band failed once.

“I’m in,” she nearly mumbled, sighing and lifting herself from the chair. She couldn’t give it any more thought or she would back out. “We’re doing it.”

***

“And-and what if the band falls apart again? What if I relapse? What if-“

“Jane,” her therapist, Dr. Michal, interrupted, “let’s remember to breathe.” Jane couldn’t tell if she sounded slightly annoyed for taking an emergency session this late in the day.

Jane took an exaggerated breath so that Dr. Michal could hear over the phone. “I’m scared I’m going to fuck everything up again.”

“You have made such progress since then. You’re five years sober, you’re ten years older, you’ve learned coping mechanisms to deal with stress and your other triggers. There’s no indicators that things will go south.”

“You didn’t see me back then,” her voice quivered. “I just don’t ever want to go back to how I was.”

“You’re going to have to have some trust in yourself. You keep yourself hidden away from everyone because you’re so scared of what you might do, but Jane, that’s no way to live. You’ve told me how lonely you are, how much you ache for connection. This is your opportunity to get back out there. And who knows, you may find some redemption in it.”

The word ‘redemption’ caused goosebumps to scatter across Jane’s body. Had she been looking at this all wrong? The past haunted her, but maybe, just maybe, she could redeem herself. A tour with no drama, no scandals, no crazy antics. Maybe it’d be enough to shift the public’s perception of her and ease the guilt that always sat in the back of her mind.

“Redemption,” Jane repeated back to Dr. Michal. “I like that.” She took a real deep breath this time. “I kissed Rob… and then we went out on a date? Maybe?” Scratching at her head, she grimaced. “I think we might be seeing each other again.”

“Wow,” Dr. Michal said, taking a moment. “That’s a big development.”

“I’m scared,” Jane admitted as she paced around the room. “I can’t lose him again.”

While she had obsessed about the thought of getting back in Rob’s good graces and giving it another chance, she had not really thought about how she would feel when she got to this point. Their breakup nearly killed Jane. How would she handle it if it happened again?

“Let’s apply our thinking towards tour to this relationship with Rob. Again, you’re sober now and you have the tools you need to make solid choices. You’re more than equipped.”

She nodded and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m a new me. I’m not the old me.”

“That’s right, Jane. You’re not the old you.”

***

It was the next morning, and Jane sat on the back patio next to the pool with her acoustic guitar and a cup of coffee, working on a cover of Rise Above This by Seether. Her journaling had already been done — another entry about her mixed emotions being back with the band. She heard the glass door open behind her, and she swiveled to see Austin coming out to join her.

“Hey, Aust,” she sighed, setting the guitar down and folding her hands in her lap.

“Hey, J,” he responded as he plopped down in the chair across from her.

“I, uh, I’m going to give the green light for the tour on my end.”

Austin nodded while his eyes scanned the backyard, not making eye contact with her.

“I just want to say, I’m going to be on my best behavior if this tour happens. I never, ever want to go back to how it was, or put you guys through that again.” Jane reached out a hand and grabbed his. “There’s nothing more I want than to make up for the past.”

Austin’s eyes finally met hers, and he offered a half smile. “Okay, J.”

He seemed tired, stressed. So different from her carefree friend from a decade ago. He didn’t even have it in him in the moment to scold her, which concerned Jane.

“Hit the chorus again, I love that song,” he requested, nudging his head at the guitar.

She smiled and began to strum.

”Call your name everyday when I feel so helpless,

I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this, rise above this.”

***

Three hours later, she had uploaded a video of her covering the same song to her new Instagram. Most of the comments were surprisingly supportive, noting that she looked healthy and hadn’t “lost it,” but of course, there were the hate comments. One that stung was ”Why is this junkie back on my screen?”

Jane threw her phone into the bed and hobbled out of the room out into the kitchen. They were due to practice for their set for Alex’s at noon, which gave her an hour and change to eat and prepare her voice, something she picked up after damaging it so often back on their last tour. Practicing a full set list would definitely require some warm ups.

Rob and Sam entered the house, and she smiled at both of them while constructing a sandwich. “Hi, guys,” she greeted them. “I’ll see you at noon for practice.” And with that, she took her sandwich to her room and shut the door with her foot.

After eating, Jane began her vocal exercises. She started with breathing deep like a yawn, over and over. Then trilling with her lips. Then, sliding her voice up and down which sounded like an ambulance. Finally, she through in her headphones and picked Walk Through Space by Whirr to hum to, and she’d keep humming until it was time to practice.

Past images of a crowd looking up to her from the stage flashed in her mind. It was so much easier back then when she was inebriated to not worry what people thought of her, but now it was all she could think about. The media torn her to shreds back then — with good reason — and now the thought of getting back out there again was daunting. She’d have to be on her best behavior if she wanted her image to change. Not an ounce of scandal.

As she began to spiral a bit, a knock came at the door. “Time to practice, J!” Austin yelled.

“Coming!” she called back. She couldn’t lie, it was thrilling to get to sing these songs again—songs she hadn’t sang in years.

Jane made her way to the basement where the rest of the band had already convened, fidgeting with their instruments and preparing for their session. She nodded and smiled at each of them, but her eyes lingered a bit longer on Rob behind his kit. He had always been hard to read, but in that moment, she could see exactly what he was feeling because it was exactly what she was feeling too.

“Let’s start with a few from Ways and Means then we’ll work on the newer stuff,” Austin suggested.

“Sure,” Jane replied. She was adjusting the mic stand to her height. “Let’s do Veins first.”

Without saying anything, Sam played the opening riff and the band responded, falling into rhythm like no time had passed between when they wrote the song and now. Jane soon came in with the first verse, and the words spilled out of her mouth without her even trying to remember them. Like muscle memory. She glanced at Austin, who smiled at her as she went into the chorus.

Two minutes later, the song ended and Jane turned around to face the rest of the band. Sam looked over the moon. “Well, I think we still got it.”

One Big Jace's Family

just reread this after years, and i’m dying

In Bloom: The Reunion

Jane’s heart skipped a beat as Rob took her hand, commenting about the view ahead of them. She nodded in response, a huge smile overtaking her face. “Yeah, it is.”

Watching the view, Jane rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. Instead of overthinking things, or ruining things by getting physical like she’d done by kissing him abruptly just days before, she wanted to just enjoy the sweet moment for what it was: two old friends, old lovers, enjoy a sweet moment together without worrying what’s to come.

But Jane couldn’t help but notice something as she held Rob’s hand in that quiet moment. Was his hand…shaking?

Was it possible that he was nervous? He didn’t seem it, but then again, Rob had never been an easy person for her to read.

She grabbed his big, muscular arm with her free hand, head still on his shoulder, and held him in the silence while they watched the waves crashed on shore.

He was definitely shaking.

***

“I’ll see you downstairs for the call,” Jane said to Rob as they returned home, limping up the stairs towards her room.

In the hallway between all their bedrooms, she ran in to Austin who seemingly was just getting home as well.

“Can we talk?” Jane asked meekly, waving her hand towards her room.

Austin obliged, following her inside and sitting on her bed. It had been neatly made before she’d left for her date with Rob, something a younger Jane would never have bothered doing. Her room was kept clean and organized, something she’d learned during her multiple stints in rehab.

“What’s up?” Austin asked.

“I went out with Rob, and it was really nice.”

“Okay?”

“I just want to know why you’re so against it.”

Austin sighed, rubbing a hand over his shaved head. “I put my life on hold to come out here, J. Took time off of work, left my students. I just don’t want it to be for nothing.”

“It’s not,” Jane responded, grabbing his hands. “I need this so badly, and not just the money. Being here again made me realize how much I needed to make music again.”

“What happens if Rob leaves again? Do you remember what that was like? Because I do. You almost died with a needle hanging out of your arm, J.”

“I was sick back then,” Jane said quietly, but anger was beginning to bubble up in her stomach. How could he compare her then to now? “Nothing could make me touch that shit again.”

Austin nodded, seemingly mulling it over.

“Even Sam seems to be on board.”

“Yeah, well Sam wasn’t the one who saw you like that. You just ruined his dreams.”

They both laughed. “Please, Aust. If…even if it goes badly between Rob and I, In Bloom is going to thrive, and so will I. I promise.”

Austin stroked his beard lost in thought.

“You don’t have to love it, but I miss my friend.”

That made him look at her, and smile. “Damn it. Fine. But seriously, J. You guys can’t fuck this up for us. Not again.”

“We won’t,” she replied beaming. “Just be happy for me.”

“Really though… what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out?”

Jane paused. If she was honest, she didn’t let herself think about it. That was, until now. She wasn’t sure what to say.

“See? You’re not thinking this through,” Austin grumbled as he shook his head. “I’ll lay off but, seriously, think about what you’re doing.”

And with that, Austin patted Jane’s head and exited the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

When Jane first returned to southern California for In Bloom’s reunion, she never in her wildest dreams thought she’d have another shot with Rob. Now that she had one, she hadn’t even thought about what could happen if it all went south.

Could she handle it not working out again?

***

The group agreed to use the conference table down in the basement to gather for their phone meeting with Evan.

Jane was the last one down, descending the carpeted steps carefully with her bandaged foot. She ditched the crutches finally, being able to put some weight on her ankle, but the doctor said she wouldn’t be healed fully for another month. No surfing, no yoga, and definitely no long boarding. Jane didn’t need to be told the last one again; her accident was only confirmation that she was, in fact, too damn old to be on a skate board.

She greeted the three and took a spot next to Rob, squeezing his shoulder as she used it for balance before plopping down into the office chair. Rob’s phone sat on the table, and they all waited patiently for it to ring.

Jane slipped out her notebook, opened it, and slid it over to Austin. “New song,” she explained. “Let’s write something for it in the morning?”

He nodded as he skimmed the lyrics. “We’re going to have a full album soon.”

Him saying that caused everyone to look around at each other and smile. They were really doing it. After all these years, they were able to get together and make something worth listening to. When they arrived almost two weeks ago, Jane wasn’t sure how well they would work together. They’d all changed so much in the past ten years. But they still had ‘it,’ and it made her feel excited for the first time in forever.

Jane looked over to Rob and gave him a bright smile, but at that moment the phone rang. Her nerves took over, and they all leaned forward in anticipation as Rob pressed the green button to answer the call.

“Hi Evan, we’re all here.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“This is beautiful,” she said through a breath, taking in the scenery. They sat together, shoulder to shoulder, and for a moment they enjoyed a comfortable silence between them.

Soon enough though, they were discussing the band, what they’ve written so far, the success of Everything, and what Evan’s plans for Friday might be.

They’d come to the conclusion that it was most likely a show, and this ignited anxiety within Jane. Shooting a video was one thing, but performing in front of a crowd again was a whole different animal, one she wasn’t sure she was ready to face yet. But on this perfect outing with Rob, she wasn’t going spiral. She could do that on her own time.

Their two weeks would be ending shortly, and Jane wanted every moment moving forward with Rob to be as perfect as humanly possible.

“I can’t imagine how much you’re missing Elle,” Jane sighed, turning to him with a sympathetic smile. “I miss my cat a lot, and he’s not even human,” she laughed.

“With these checks coming in, I think I’m going to do some renovations on my house. The kitchen and the bathrooms could use an update, and the backyard is kind of a wreck. I wanna make a big garden, one I could tinker with all day long.” She smiled at the thought, her messing with plants in the sun with a cigarette dangling from her lips. All of this, of course, would be once she caught up on her bills, but Rob didn’t need to know that part.

She grabbed two cigarettes from her pack, handing one to Rob and eventually the lighter once she lit her’s.

Jane knew that the checks that the band was now receiving were probably nothing compared to what he’d made with MAE, but she wanted to know what he’d be up to once they were done in Orange County. Who knows? Maybe Jane could come to visit; she could make the drive in the Bronco. Then again, Rob had Elle to worry about when he was home. And Mae. Jane would die happy if she never had to meet her.

Maybe instead, Rob could visit her in Crescent City. They could hit her favorite restaurants, take the surfboards out, go to her favorite spot on the beach to watch the stars.

She was getting ahead of herself. Per usual. It wasn’t even clear what all of this meant for them. Yes, they still loved each other. Yes, they were on a date. But this could be over as soon as they left the house and went their separate ways. And due to the messiness of their break up, Jane wanted to play it cool. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Rob away.

Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and cleared her throat. “So, what are your plans for when you get home?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

Jane finally let out a breath. In reality, it felt like she could breathe for the first time since she arrived at the AirBNB.

A smile cracked across her face, and she was sure she was blushing, but in that moment she didn’t care. It was the first time since they’d been reunited that she didn’t have to hide how she felt, and even if that only lasted for tonight, it was a huge weight off her shoulders.

But what did it mean for them?

So much time had passed between them, and they’d both grown in to completely different people. Rob even had an ex-wife and a daughter now. Jane couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been around a kid.

And the band. Jane just earned forgiveness from Sam for causing the band to implode. What if it didn’t work out between her and Rob again? What would happen to In Bloom?

Her head began to spin thinking of the what ifs, but she centered herself with another deep breath. She was getting ahead of herself.

Jane looked at Rob and nodded. “Same here,” she chuckled nervously. She was never good at talking; in the old days she would use her body to do the talking for her.

But things were much different now.

Instead, Jane took Rob’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s way past my bedtime. Let’s, uh, let’s hang out after recording tomorrow. Something low key.”

Jane thought it was best to leave the night like it was, to not ruin anything.

“Good night, Rob.”

And with that, Jane stood up gingerly from the side of the pool and entered the house, waiting to get to her room to let out a squeal of excitement.

***

The band agreed to get up early the following morning to record their next track, Years. Jane had written the lyrics during her final stint in rehab, and it was about the pain she felt getting clean from heroin. Austin wrote a dark and powerful guitar riff for it that packed a punch, and the song kind of took off easily from there.

The lyrics could easily read as a love song.

And I won’t miss you so much
as the days pass
I can’t wait to be
years away from you

In their years apart, Sam had learned how to record tracks, which he gladly took on when asked by Evan. Jane was really beginning to enjoy their time together as a band, and not having a stranger in their to record them was an extra level of privacy she appreciated. They’d send the song off to get mixed and mastered after recording.

Jane’s phone vibrated in her pocket, and she excused herself from the group to sit on the basement’s carpeted staircase.

“Hello?”

“Hey, rockstar.” It was Steve, Jane’s friend and neighbor. “How’s it been going?”

“It’s been good! It took a bit for us to get our footing, but we’ve hit our groove it seems. How’s Sin? I miss him so much.”

“He’s fine. Definitely misses you.” Steve took a breath, his tone shifting more serious. “These bills keep coming in.” He was in charge of her mail while she was away. Their first royalty check took care of some of her past due bills, but she’d be catching up for the next month at this rate.

“Fuck, I know. As soon as this check hits Friday, I’ll have the credit card bills and electric paid…the lights are still on right?”

“Yep, I’m here right now.”

“Okay, thanks for checking in. I’ll get caught up on the bills soon.”

“Do you need me to loan you more money?” Steve asked, hesitation in his voice.

“No, no. We have everything we need here, but thank you.”

***

Jane reentered the basement with her blanket wrapped around her, plopping down in one of the office chairs that surrounded a conference-style table. Sam was in the adjoining room recording Rob’s drums, which left her and Austin.

“Wanna grab food after we’re done here?” he asked without looking up from his phone.

Trepidation grew in Jane’s stomach. She wasn’t going to hide her plans with Rob, but she wasn’t exactly thrilled to tell Austin.

“Um,” she replied, clearing her throat, “I’m actually doing something with Rob.”

Austin put his phone down and rubbed his temples. “What’s going on between you guys?”

“Nothing, just hanging out.”

“Yeah, right,” Austin shook his head. “It’s never nothing with you two.”

Jane shushed him and leaned forward. “Look,” she whispered sharply, “I don’t know what’s going on, okay? But you could at least be happy for me.”

“I’ll be happy for you when we get on the other side of this album without the band imploding. You fucked everything up for all of us last time and I’ll be damned if you do it again.”

Tears formed in Jane’s eyes, but she immediately blotted them away with the sleeve of her sweater. “Things are different now and you know it.”

“Whatever, J. Just don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work out, okay?”

Austin got up and exited the basement, and Jane waited until she heard his footsteps fade up the steps to put her head down on the desk and groan in frustration.

Was Austin right? Was getting involved with Rob again a bad idea? Or was he just scarred from the past?

Sam came out of the booth, headphones hanging off one ear. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, popping up from the table and offering a fake smile. “Just, uh, warming up my voice.”

“Good. We’re gonna take a break, then Austin’s up.”

“He’s upstairs.” Jane scratched her head. “He’s pissed at me.”

“I was for ten years,” Sam laughed, putting his headphones around his neck. “I guess it’s his turn.”

“I guess all of us getting along would be too boring. If you get a chance, will you talk to him?”

“Sure,” Sam nodded, patting Jane’s head.

Rob appeared, sweating slightly from recording. God, he was handsome.

“Good job,” Jane smiled, patting the seat next to her and sliding over one of the water bottles that were on the table. “Still wanna hang today?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

The bar that Austin chose was your run-of-the-mill Irish pub. Flickering neon signs lined the length of the establishment, mounted TVs played soundless soccer games, cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air, and Mississippi Queen was blasting on the jukebox.

Jane felt the flutter in her stomach - the urge to have just one beer - but she had found out time and time again that it wasn’t possible for her.

The band and crew pushed two tables together and ordered a few pitchers. Jane ordered herself a coke with lime, the closest she’d ever get to a ‘mock tail.’ It wasn’t long before a shy girl, boyfriend-in-tow, tapped her shoulder, shaking her out of the daze she was in.

“You’re Jane from In Bloom, right?”

She was invited over to their group, and to be nice, Jane obliged. They looked be around her her age, possibly a little younger, and they offered her a seat to get off her crutches.

“Your make up looks bomb!” one girl offered.

“Thank you, we had a video shoot tonight.”

“Can we get you a drink?” the boyfriend offered, and the girl who recognized her, Tess, shot an elbow into his side.

“She doesn’t drink.”

Jane winced. “It’s okay, I got my coke. So, are you guys new fans, or…”

Tess eyes widened. “My older sister was a huge fan years ago when you guys first got big. By proxy, I was one too. Been listening to you guys ever since.”

“That’s awesome,” Jane nodded, taking a sip of her drink. She was still just as awkward with fans as she remembered, and it made her think of Rob and how effortless it all seemed to him.

Rob. God, she should be used to being interrupted by now, but this time she was hoping to have a genuine conversation with him. She only got out a sentence of what she wanted to say, but it was the most important one; she still had feelings for him.

She glanced back at the group she’d arrived with to see Rob and Austin in some sort of heated discussion.

“I’m so sorry,” Jane sighed, shooting back the rest of her drink, “but I should be getting back to my crew over there. It was so nice to meet you all.” She hated how fake she sounded. She needed to get better at this eventually.

Jane hobbled back over to Austin. “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Austin grunted. “Got some fans over there?” He pointed over to Tess and her group, and they all looked away immediately.

“Yeah,” Jane replied. “Can we go now? I really don’t wanna be here.”

An expression of defeat washed over Austin’s face, Jane unsure why, but he nodded. “Let’s go.”

***

Her plan was simple: go swimming with the boys, outlast Sam, then finish her conversation with Rob. Easier said than done, seeing as Jane was asleep by 9PM on a usual night. Tiredness tugged at her eyes as they poured out of their UberXL and into the house.

Jane didn’t feel up for a swim, so she opted for a pair of gray sweatpants and a large white t-shirt after scrubbing off the make up that Brenna had expertly applied earlier. Her hair was plopped on the top of her head in a messy bun.

Sam, since catching her and Rob kissing, seemed to be turning a new leaf with Jane. They were even reminiscing over a joint about a show they played.

“And then,” he choked on the smoke from laughing, “you puked through your nose as soon as our set ended.”

Jane grabbed the joint from Sam who was in the pool and took a big drag as she sat criss-cross on the side. “Fuck, I don’t know how I used to get so drunk and actually sing.”

“I don’t either, but you always crushed it…well usually.”

She used her foot to splash some water at him. Austin was no where to be found. He seemed moody during the car ride home, so Jane didn’t expect an appearance from him, but still…what happened at the bar?

“Rob?” Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and passed him the joint, struggling to make eye contact. He knew her secret and yet, she still had no idea how he felt about it, but she was trying her best to play it cool and not act awkwardly.

Sam made a face at her when they locked eyes, a so what’s going on between you two? look, but Jane shot her own look back at him. One that read, [i]I don’t know, but shut the fuck up, Sam.”

“I gotta hit the hay soon, but it’s your turn Rob,” Sam said after fully submerging himself in the saltwater pool, “what was your least favorite set we ever played?”

Jane lit herself a cigarette. She had been doing so well at home, only smoking a few per day, but out here, she found herself going through nearly a pack a day again.

“Yeah, Rob, your turn,” she added, offering him a cigarette and her lighter. “The more embarrassing the better.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

Evan’s morning meeting threw a wrench in Jane’s plan to avoid Rob like the plague from the comfort of her room until she decided what to say. She kept sipping a cold glass of water to keep her face from flushing every time he turned even slightly in her direction, and Evans praise during the meeting didn’t help. It did feel good, however, to hear that they had a chance of getting their work out there before MAE dominated the airwaves once again.

After hearing that Rob would be leaving for a Guitar Center, she caught her breath. It’d buy her at least a couple of hours to figure out how the hell she would explain herself. Her eyes met Sam’s and put a finger to her lips. A silent plea to not say anything to Austin. Much to her surprise, he agreed with a slight nod.

As Rob was leaving, Jane offered a meek “good luck!” as she hobbled down the hallway to her room, where she plopped down on the bed and groaned heavily.

Part of her wanted to apologize to him, to say it was a stupid, stupid thing she did and that it didn’t mean anything.

But that would be a lie.

And Rob deserved the truth, not this song and dance they’d be doing since arriving. Jane would tell him that she still had feelings for him, and that although she planned to stuff those feelings down for the duration of their reunion, she couldn’t help herself anymore.

The worst he could do was not feel the same. But that kiss, it felt like something. Jane could only hope she wasn’t wrong.

Austin appeared in her doorway, eying her up and down. “How are you feeling?”

Jane pushed the hair out of her face and shrugged. “My face hurts, my ankle’s throbbing. I’m not excited to be in a video looking like this.”

Austin approached her and helped prop her foot up. “It’ll be memorable at least.” He examined the gash on her eyebrow, which had scabbed over and was starting to heal. “It makes you look tough.”

They both laughed, but then Jane sighed. “I’m gonna sleep for a bit, yeah?”

“Alright. I’ll wake you up when we start getting ready for the shoot. You need anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

***

“Yo,” Sam called into Jane’s room. “The make up artist is here. Wanna fix your face?”

“I’ll be out in ten,” she responded from deep under the comforter, and once the door was shut, she got out of bed and hopped to her closet. She settled on a black tank top with a pair of black low rise, flared jeans, and she brushed her hair out until it fell in neat waves that cascaded down her back. Evan said to dress up nice, but he also knew what to expect from her.

Jane’s crutches brought her to the dining room, and she was greeted by a tall brunette in her early twenties named Brenna, obviously in a rush. The make up artist motioned towards a chair, which Jane sat in promptly, letting her get to work. To the right, a team was setting up two cameras, lighting, and the band’s equipment in the adjacent living room that overlooked the pool. With the right timing, the sun would be setting behind them as they played.

In her peripheral vision, Rob appeared, and before she could second guess herself, she reached out a hand and grabbed his wrist as he was walking by. “Let’s talk after this,” she whispered before Brenna redirected her attention to her. Jane let go of Rob and closed her eyes, adrenaline rushing through her veins. No going back now.

“Well, I’m no magician,” Brenna sighed, stepping back and looking at Jane with a critical eye, “but that’s as good as we’re gonna get.” She handed a mirror to Jane.

“That’s crazy,” she gawked, her handing reaching up to the gash on her eyebrow, now camouflaged with concealer.

Brenna slapped it away. “Don’t touch. Now, for the eyes.”

***

It took three takes, but the live, acoustic version of Everything was officially filmed and recorded. The band, minus Jane, helped load the vans with equipment, and when they were finishing up, Jane decided enough was enough. She couldn’t sit there mulling over what to say any longer.

“Wanna cigarette?” Jane nudged Rob’s arm while every one else seemed distracted.

Once they’d both lit their cigarettes, Jane leaned her crutches against the wall and slid down into one of the patio chairs. “About last night, I’m-I’m sorry I jumped you like that…”

Good start, keep going.

“The truth is… I’ve never quite…”

Another drag of her cigarette. She was buying time; even if just a second.

“I’ve never gotten over you, Rob.”

“Hey guys!” Austin’s voice boomed from the sliding glass door. He must have seen the anxiety written all over Jane’s face, because he paused and looked back and forth between the two of them. “We’re gonna take the crew out for some drinks…Jane I know it’s not your scene, but I think it’d be fun for all of us to get out of the house a bit.”

“Uh, sure,” Jane replied, caught off guard. She immediately regretted her answer.

“Hell yeah. Rob, I already know you’re down. Let’s go!”

Jane put her cigarette out and let Austin help her up, and as they headed for the door, Jane turned around and mouthed out an “I’m sorry.”

The anticipation of what Rob had to say was killing her, but she’d have to wait a little longer.

In Bloom: The Reunion

Rob’s admission about the night before made Jane choke on the smoke of her cigarette. Not only did he know, he enjoyed it?

It was possible she was overthinking what he said - applying her own meaning to his words. But as she mulled it over, bobbing further out into the pool towards him, she could only come to one conclusion: Rob enjoyed their impromptu night together. And that thought alone made Jane’s stomach flutter.

“I, uh,” Jane stuttered, “I did too.” The end of her sentence was said through a smirk. Were they…flirting?

Her mind flashed to Austin, his warning not to do anything stupid. But then again, Austin wasn’t here.

Jane flicked her cigarette out into the yard and dove under the water, coming up for air just a foot away from Rob. The closest they’d been while conscious, anyway.

It was also the first time Jane could really soak in the new Rob. The tiny specks of gray in his hairline. The few crows feet tugging at the corners of his eyes. The years passed looked good on him. He’d become a real man without her in their years apart.

And Jane didn’t want their to be any more years to count.

She closed the little bit of distance between them and made a decision for the both of them, pulling him gently by the back of the neck and kissing him, her arms wrapping around him once he obliged.

If you asked Jane to recount the details, she wouldn’t be able to. It could have been seconds, minutes. Adrenaline and desire had her in a haze, and she was soaking up every second of it. It was just her and Rob in that moment, and she was showing him how much she’d missed him in the best way she knew how.

That was until Sam slid the back door open, and Jane jumped back, regret instantly washing over her. She couldn’t even look at him.

“I wanted to talk to Rob about something with the mix,” Sam said flatly, already annoyed.

Jane, not wanting to wait around for the consequences of her actions, swam to the steps and got herself up on her crutches. “I have a phone interview early in the morning, it’s fine,” she almost whispered, the lump in her throat forming.

What had she done?

“Good night, guys,” she called out to the both of them, keeping her tears back until she’d made it to her room.

She’d ruined everything.

“Hello?” A voice sounded on the other line.

“I made out with him in the pool,” Jane cried. “Rob. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Calm down,” Kody, her sponsor, said in her motherly tone. “I thought we were over him.”

“I…I’m not. I’ve never been. I just…” More crying. “I promised Austin I’d keep the peace and focus on the music but, but I’m this stupid, impulsive-“

“Do you feel like you’re going to relapse?” She asked earnestly, even though she knew it’d annoy Jane. She probably did it just to snap her out of the cycle.

“No…no,” Jane convinced herself, taking a deep breath. “No, I just feel like I fucked up. Bad.”

***

Here in Spirit was the song Jane’s phone chose for her 4:00 AM alarm, and there was only a moment of amnesiac bliss until the events of the night before came flooding back to her. Their first night that they agreed to put past aside, and she hits him with it like a brick.

“Shit,” she grumbled as she dug in her nightstand for her pack of cigarettes and a lighter. A New York based radio station would be calling her in a half hour for a phone interview, a “quick” one Evan promised, so it was up to her to become somewhat coherent before then.

It didn’t help that Jane stayed up with Kody, who talked her off the edge and ended the call with a long, drawn out talk about the importance of remaining sober. There was a knock that came at her door at some point during the conversation, but she called out that she was on the phone.

After two cigarettes and a cup of coffee, Jane answered the call. It was just an assistant at first, making sure the connection was good and going over with Evan, also on the line, the main talking points. Jane didn’t pay much attention, instead rolling a joint as her reward for waking up this early. 

“Alright, Jane, we’re starting in ten seconds.”

“Got it,” Jane replied.

“You’ve got this!” Evan chimed in, annoyingly cheery for what time it was.

“Uh huh.” 

Johnny: Alright everyone, we have a special treat. Jane Molloy, frontwoman of the band that used to rock our airwaves ten years ago, In Bloom! 

Jane: Thanks for having me, Johnny.

They first discussed some of Jane’s current favorite bands, her favorite pizza place in New York, and her favorite set she ever played. Evan, who could only be heard by those on the line, gave Johnny the warning they had two minutes left.

Johnny: Now, let’s talk about Everything. It’s a fantastic song.

Jane: Thank you.

Johnny: Can you tell us about the inspiration behind the lyrics? There has been a lot of guessing from what I see, but we want to hear straight from the source.

Jane froze. How did she not expect this question?

Jane: I, um. It’s…

Fuck it. Be honest.

Jane: It’s about losing someone you cared about…and how you wished you said more to them when you had the opportunity, because you feel like you can’t now. And I guess that’s been something on my mind lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of regrets I have from the past.

Evan, worrying about where the conversation was going, let them know it was time to wrap up, and after another thirty seconds of pleasantries, Johnny disconnected from the call.

“Great job, Jane,” Evan sighed with relief. “We got the first interview out of the way.”

“Have a little bit more faith in me, Evan,” Jane replied. “I’ve grown up a little.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“Why don’t you have your suit on?” Jane asked as she hobbled up to Austin’s door. He had just pulled a black tee on and was now sliding on his shoes.

“Old friend wants to meet for drinks, he’s buying,” he smiled.

“Oh…” Jane responded, realizing it’d just be her and Rob tonight. She felt the hot flash of panic take over her. “Do you think-“

“You’re beet red, J,” he blurted before cracking up.

“Well, I don’t know, you just told me to steer clear of Rob and my feelings, and now-“

“And now you’re going swimming?”

When put like that, it sounded pretty stupid. “Swimming.” Just swimming.

“I think you can handle it. Hell, maybe it’d be good for you two to have some alone time… learn how to be next to each other without being so awkward.”

“It’s not that bad,” Jane rolled her eyes. But in reality, all Jane wanted was for them to be friends again. For her to not want to crumple any time it was just the two of them in a room.

“Oh, it is,” Austin walked out of the room and beckoned her to follow. “Maybe next we can work on you and Sam.”

“That’ll take more than a dip in the pool, I think.”

Austin slid open the back door so that Jane could exit with her crutches, but before closing it, he whispered a quick “don’t do anything stupid.”

Jane, unsure of what she was doing at all, nodded, then turned her attention to Rob who was swimming in the pool 20 feet away. In her hands along with her crutches, she had a ACE bandage to reapply to her foot once she was done, and her phone, which she attached to the aux cord that played a Mars Volta song over the outdoor speaker. But not even the song drowned out her heart thumping in her ears as she approached the edge, setting her crutches down behind her and hopping down to the second step. The saltwater pool was heated, and Jane closed her eyes as the warmth of engulfed her.

“I have an interview tomorrow morning, so no partying hard tonight,” she joked as Rob swam towards her. Her nerves were settling, why was she even nervous to begin with?

“I, uh, I thought you were going out with Adrianna and then tonight,” she stated, even though it sounded like more of a question.

Their eyes met, and as always, Jane felt herself melt. Rob, both a stranger and the best friend she never replaced. All these years and she just wanted to hug him. To apologize another thousand times for all of the bullshit she put the both of them through. But for now, she lowered herself another step until just her shoulders and head were out of the water.