Just a story I've been working on and I want to get some Constructive criticism on it. Open the manuscript here=
Chapter 1, Normal Day… not
Today was a normal day, the sky Orange and bright, words drifting through the air. It was the same as always here. Mr. Samdual came to my stall earlier looking for Mark. I told him he wasn’t here, Mr. Samdual looked mad as if Mark did something wrong, I was about to ask when he stormed off to another stall then went down the path. Sarah (the girl who runs the stall across from mine) asked what he was looking for. I shrugged and pointed down the other way were Mark was dodging between stalls looking at everyone. He looked scared and worried, did he break a Rule. I pushed the thought out of my head and contained working. Trying not to notice Mark Hiding from the Patrolmen and running through the pathways.
The rest of the day was more normal stuff. Selling Carved figures of the Goddess’s and some Charms. Other normal things like that when a large bulky man approached my stall. He was wearing a Dark Blue uniform and held a badge. His voice sounded sweeter than you would expect from a man like him but I didn’t care. Why is a patrolman stopping by my stall, I did nothing wrong? He told me he needed to search my stall. I asked him for what but he wouldn’t say. So I backed up and let him in through the latched door in the back on my stall. He went through all my carvings and charms before handing me a sign. To hang on my stalls door before leaving and going to the stall next to mine. The sign read:
This Stall has been searched
For what did he search? I didn’t know so I hung the sign on my door before going back inside the stall. I took out a new set of Charms and Figures.
The sky started to turn red before I boxed up my figurines and took the Helimight Coins from the little box under the stand. Home is a walk away, I can’t take the trolley home because that costs five Helimight coins to ride and it’s a nice walk. Through the town across the bridge over Navium were I drop a small caving of a raindrop in I made when it was raining and I couldn’t go to work. The raindrop symbolizes a good rain season and you could see a few floating around in the water.
The sky was turning darker when I arrived at my small cottage. The Small cottage the same color as the other ones next to it but my sister has the garden planted outside. I smell the Pelt Flour Bread coming from the back of the house. Moving forward I open the bark door and I walk in. Sister greats me from the kitchen her dress freshly washed while mine was a bit dirty from the walk home.
Today was a successful day I earned a good haul of twenty helimight coins and still have enough charms and figurines to not have to get more tomorrow. I left the coins in the safe box before going to tend the fire. The old chimney was there with the house its stonewalls comforting against the wood which made up the rest of the cottage.
Looks like I have to get more fuel, the bucket is running low. Dumping the remaining contents over the flames and go off to the outhouse. It took a while to reach ours behind the cottage but who really cares. I switch the buckets bringing the other one back inside letting the fire sit alone for a while, as I start to carve. I start on one I’ve been working on in my free time it’s a figurine of the moon goddess’s (Hali and Savi) holding each a chipped moon. The piece of the moons floating down to there feet suspended by their long coats. My sister will paint it when I’m done carving and then maybe I could get 2 helimight coins for it. Still today was a nice day at least, I got everything I needed and we are happily sitting next to each other. To sisters carving a painting by the fire.
Early the next morning I woke up to pounding on the door. They were talking to each other one not laying off the knocking till I unlatched the door.
“ Ma’m we need to search this cottage.” One of them said the other holding up a badge.
“ Why what for?” I asked thinking whether or not I should unlatch the top latch that lets the door open all the way. They whispered to each other though it wasn’t really a whisper I could make out “ Should we tell her… the public has the right to know… yes but don’t give out the full details. “
“Ehem,” you could here the fakeness in his cough.” The reason we are searching cottages and stalls is because there are rebels running around and stealing things from loyalists. Other people who own stalls and cottages are helping these rebels giving them food and shelter so our task is to find these rebels and take them to the Queen. “ That sounded like a reasonable answer so I unlatched the top latch. Sister awoke by all the talking so early and whispered to me “ what are they doing” she said as they carefully lifted up the tabletops and checked the storage units inside.
It was unusual they asked us if we had any secret storage units we used when we replied no they asked us again with more sternness in his voice. We again replied no so he huffed and continued searching. When they were done I relocked the top lock looking to see if anything was missing. Nothing.
“ So why did they come?” I heard my sister say. Before I could respond she turned on the new radio. A guard was on the only station that played music.
“ ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS… THE QUEEN HAS A SPEACIAL ANNOUCMENT FOR YOU ALL. “ Again a change of static and breathing was heard as it seemed the microphone was passed.
“ LOYAL CITIZENS, “ she began, “ WE ARE FACING A HARDSHIP RIGHT NOW AS A CLAN OF BETRAYING REBELS ARE ON THE LOOSE THROUGH MY VILLAGES. “ she paused as if reading from a script for the first time.
“ YOU SHOULD NOT PANIC, MY OFFICERS ARE ON THE CASE. ANYONE WHO IS HELPING THESE REBELS WILL BE TAKEN TO TRIAL. “
“ I ADVICE THAT ALL MY LOYAL CITIZENS, DO NOT HELP THESE REBELS ” I heard a few more passing of the microphone as the talkative radio host started a new sound track. My sister gulped and went into her room gathering the laundry to take down to the river to wash. She bid her farewell as the sky barely turning orange now went up.
I myself gathered up my newly painted charms and statues and headed out myself. Making sure to grab my coin purse and key dropping them on the basket making sure to latch the door.
Walking down the dirt road way I watched the sunrise as I made my way to the market place. I would pick breakfast up here if Susan were in her stall. She always had the best bread for breakfast. So I would stop there trade a leaf carving for some bread.
Susan wasn’t in her stall and her door didn’t have a sign on it like the other ones. I wondered if she just took the sign home or if something was found. All I know was that she wasn’t there. So I continued on to my stall. The stall with the red and blue stripes, it looked pretty in the morning so I could set up in ease. Though my stall was one of the last few ones before you exited the market road, it sure had a view.
Jane the girl in the stall next to mine wasn’t there also but she still had a sign on her door. I wondered what was going on. A different patrolman walked to my stall placing a hand on the table leaning against it as I set up.
“ Do you have anything against bad luck?” the patrolman said checking out the various charms and statutes I had out already.
“ Against what type of bad luck. You get your self cursed?’
I answered back leaving the better charms and statutes in the basket.
“ I need something to protect my family, strange things have happened.” He said rubbing the top of his brow.
“ I have just the thing. “ I crouched down pulling the freshly painted Carving of Havi and Savi out of the under side of my stall.
He stared in amazement as if he had never seen a statue of them together before. “ Honoring these two can help with your bad luck, if you’re too unlucky I have charms you can by if this doesn’t work.” I said before smiling at the man. “ It would be ill go no lower than five helimight coins.”
“ Here take six I just need this “ he said dumping the coins into my hand as he carefully picked up the statue and started to walk away.
Another successful customer, but where was everyone else. I couldn’t find more than three other stall owners here. I noticed Jane walking down the path so I took a breath.
“ Morning Jane,” I said not really know what else to say I took out a rag and started to clean off some charms.
“ Morning Rose” she said before coughing a bit getting into her stall setting the basket of dresses down on her stalls table.
“ Haven’t you seen those patrolmen, something’s really wrong, did you notice Mark Running around yesterday? Do you think he joined the rebels?” she kept talking but I really didn’t mind days were slow and she at least let time fly.
“ I’m pretty sure Mark didn’t join the rebels, his dad was trying to find him though. “ I coughed myself before continuing. “ One of the Patrol men came here and bought my newest statue for six helimight coins. Can you believe it; he said he needed something to ward off bad luck. “I shook my head leaving the rag on the counter.
A few people stopped by her stall around mid-day which stopped our convo. A woman wrapped in shall almost hiding her face approached my stall. She carefully went through my charms turning some over, once in a while staring at one. The lady shook her head happily when she got to a moon charm.
“ This one please. “ she opened a coin purse and pulled out a helimight coin. Laying it carefully on the table. “ Is that enough”?
“ Of course it is would you like the other one there a package deal. “ I said taking the coin moving the other moon closer to the front of the counter.
“ Oh I didn’t know there was to thank you, “ she said before putting the newly founded moons into her coin purse and walking into the flow of people.
Chapter 2,
Sister stopped by my stall stopped by my stall near the end of the day. She was wearing her light blue dress, and her hair up in a bun on the back of her head. She likes to do it that way in public.
“ How are you doing? “ She said twirling the extra strand of hair around her finger. “ I see you have sold the new statue, how much?”
“ I’m doing fine Carol, you” I pause while she went on leaning over and coughing into my arm.” I got six coins for it.“ Before I could go on with the story she started talking again.
“ Did you hear that one of the scientists they invented the new river power generator? It supposedly supposed to allow lower class citizens to have light at night. “ She stopped twirling her hair to start digging thru her basket taking out my lunch.
“ Thank you, by Carol” I said as she walked away. Today also was beautiful, nice orange sky, kids running around, it wasn’t raining though it looked like it would soon so I would have to rush home.
Well I was right about 1 thing: it did rain. And now I'm walking along the now muddy path to get home. Luckily I wore my black dress or this would have been a disaster to clean.
A few carriages rode by causing the muddy road to me slushier as I made my way inside. Sister pulled out a new dress while I washed up in the water room. I heard her looking thru my money purse while I changed.
“ So someone actually paid six coins for one statue?” she asked when I came out. She was tending the fire and baking some bread.
“ Yep as I said before this was a great day.” I said taking over tending the fire while she started to finish up dinner. It wasn’t long before a knock came to the door. “ Who’s there” I called hoping it wasn’t another patrolman.
“ Its me Sarah “ she said as I got up off the floor to open the door. She wasn’t wet but was holding a parasol that went down to her knees. She walked inside pressing the button on the top of the parasol and letting it zip open and contract it self into a normal parasol.
“ Susan I didn’t see you today where were you? And why are you using your Parasol?” I asked admiring the pretty design that matched her dress.
“ I went to the palace today, they needed fresh pastries for a royal gathering. The prince is looking for a bride!” she said twirling around in her dress.
“ So that stocky, over dressed, boy of a prince is looking for some unlucky fool to be his wife? “ I sighed knowing that she would try. Most of the girls in the town were cuckoo for him, not me though I wasn’t one for marriage and at my age why even try.
“ That’s not why I came here“ she paused for a moment digging thru her coin bag. She pulled out a small list and gave it to me. She had a bit of a worried expression on her face. The note read:
Dear lawful citizens,
We are still in the mist of a heavy time for the kingdom, with the recent out break of rebels against the queen have been heavy. We are hoping that once the prince marries these rebels will die down.
If that is not the case, we are forced to rummage thru the small towns are kingdom rules over. Starting with the ones closest to the main City. Any one who is or knows a rebel should turn them in immediately. These rebels are armed dangerous and wont take no for an answer. If you are being forced to join these rebels please contact the patrolmen.
From,
The Queen.
I told carol to stay in the back as we talked. She was way to young to worry about those things.
“ They are armed, what if they break in? What If they steal the coins? What if they kidnap one of us? What would happen then?" I looked her in the eye. “ They are not going to rob, Break in or Hurt us. Don’t you remember they are mad at the queen not us. And if your scared ask you brother to stay with you, ok “ I said Susan drying the tear that started rushing down her face.
“ Now its almost dark out and you live a good walk away you must get going!” I helped her re push the parasols button and opened the door it was drizzling now but she still want to have it up.
“ Ok, I’m going to talk to him tomorrow, Good bye Rose. “ I sighed she was always acting like a child. Sis came out from the kitchen her head turned side ways.
“ Whats that? “ she pointed to the letter in my hand.
“ A letter Susan found on my stall she left a few minutes after I did. Its nothing to worry about they already searched our place and my stall, everything will be fine.” This fact I already knew wasn’t true but it would stop her worries and that was all I cared about. She still had the chance to leave this continent when she got old enough to sail her self.
The Kingdom out mother grew up in has changed so much over the ten years she’s been gone. Boys leaving the houses so young, most going to be rebels, some joining the queen’s forces. I wish that the prince marrying would help but its not going to be that simple. I think she’s laughing right now in her new body being happy for all she has in her new life on a probably different continent.
Still I was happy, sister is happy, we can just live this life together till we both get married and move away. I sometimes wonder what happened to brother. We haven’t gotten any pots with ashes yet so I am sure he is still alive, though where he is always going to be the mystery. I am my sister’s protector.
The reports of rebels attacking loyal citizens and most people were scared so the queen gave each cottage a few golden coins to pay for any losses. I stayed home with Sister, as she was scared. But things got better a few of the rebels were caught from our area I couldn’t find anyone I knew in the news so that was good and I could go sell the new charms and statues we made over that week.
The crowd was sparse today people still probably still spooked from the rebel attacks. The radio stopped putting warning on the radio yesterday so I wanted to come out today. Sister had laundry to do and I needed to make some money. Unloading my stuff onto the counter an Armed Guard made his way to my stall one of the few open.
“ Excuse Me Miss…” He had this weird way of talking, its like he really didn’t know what to say.
“ Miss I Need to search your stall… incase a rebel is hiding in your stall. “ I opened the back entrance taking my money box with me as I went out and he went in. The Guard took out a weird box like machine, it had two camera lenses on the back of it and he was waving it around the area.
Out of the blue a weird beeping noise started and he put away the box. Leaning over he took out a crowbar and peeled away one of the large panels that made up the stalls floor walls. I turned away as I heard the struggle of the Armed Guard cuffing and tying up a rebel.
“ Its Ok Miss I Got rid of any danger in your stall, have a good day! “ He said pushing the tied up Rebel away down the road. I replaced the board. I didn’t even notice it was out of place. I heard that these rebels were trying to hide out for a while. I looked at the board and re opened it. What I see astonishes me.
I see a small latch just big enough to not be seen. I quickly stand up again and reattach the board. That could be anything, and if it lead somewhere I couldn’t leave sister alone without telling her.
