So I'm compiling a list of all known and possible options for the Mental Health Hotline joke that bounces around the internets, and am looking for any good ones people might know. Feel free to add to this below with anything you like that might fit!
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Hello and welcome to the mental health hot-line
If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and you call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.
If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep.
Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please hang up and try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
If you are Menopausal, please hang up, put the gun down and turn on the fan. Everything will be fine; you won't be crazy forever!
If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, noone will answer.
If you are Blonde, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
If you are Anal-Retentive, please hold.
If you are anxious, impatient, or in a hurry, just start pressing numbers at random. Eventually you'll just give up and go away.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you suffer from an addiction, please press and hold 9 until you feel better.