Tatterdemalion

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Solid Adila!

Good soldier. Your successor interposes herself in order to keep you in optimal condition. You avert your not-eyes in order to avoid being blinded by the silver flash that leaves everyone else staggering about blindly— except for Kazelia Swiftlance, who’s groping around in the grass, looking for her missing spectacles.

This is a perfect opportunity to observe Eupheria’s reaction to an unexpected and attention-seizing assault, in order to optimize the Iluminan’s later theft of the Caduceus. You stand and wait a moment, in easy parade stance, as everyone else flounders. Typical princesses.

Eupheria screeches like a devil that’s just caught you cheating at shogi, and there’s a blast of silver light that rocks you back on your heels. You lean out of the way as the other Adila is sent flying, ripping the tent off the ground when she collides into the ceiling and shattering it into shards of quivering light, revealing...

Ah. Of course. An Olympic arena. Euphie always was an enthusiastic spectator of the asinine, convoluted “Noble Games.” Perhaps she had her toys play for her while... under incarceration. Yes. That‘s consistent with what you knew about her.

The hedges are impeccable, and so is the figure of the Grail on the left flank. The statuary is in Euphie’s stained glass style, and doubtless the supply plazas would be of a similar design. Now—

“Bad dog!”

Eupheria’s curse has materialized in the form of a makeover. Her previous outfit has been overwritten in favor of, presumably, what she intended for you. It is a bridal gown in the daring Imperial Konkon style: a snug bodysuit of white silk decorated with both lacy frills designed to emulate the flowers of the Archipelago and a white leather body harness and cuffs, trailing from which are a multitude of chains, each one with a lockable carabiner on the end for connection or restraint. A long half-skirt flows in a train behind her, but remains open in the front to show off her spindly legs. A white veil lies over her hair, muting its garish colors, and her lips are asymmetrically painted, with a full lower lip meeting an upper lip only painted in the center. Psychologically revealing: it’s possible she still harbors a childish infatuation for you, or that she wants to make you feel as if you have no control over your circumstances, hoping to put you off balance.

Naturally, she still holds the Caduceus tightly.

“Kyouko,” Eupheria says through furiously gritted teeth, herself thrown off balance by Adila’s daring, “announce the teams.”

“ASSUME! YOUR POSITIONS! LET’S! GO AND WIN SOME!” The Konkon heir shakes her pom-poms, kicking up with impressive flexibility. Eupheria did a good job of neutralizing the fox’s natural strengths of stealth and misdirection; she’s likely useless except as a distraction now. “PUPPY, DOLL AND SLAVE! GIVE IT UP FOR TEAAAAAAAM LEASH!”

Your successor, Eska, and the Askaian girl. Hopefully, she would be able to communicate more than “good at ball,” given her recent clarity. You would have to remind her of her duty, most likely, but—

“EUPHIE GETS HER BRAT A NEW HORSE! GIVE IT UP FOR TEAAAAAAAAM PRANCE!”

The Iluminan ex-king, the Felorian, and Kazelia Swiftlance. A solid block, one that would depend on Kazelia being able to take the reins, ha, and—

“AND THREE SPOILED BRATS! LET’S HEAR IT FOR TEAAAAAAAAAM SPANKIES!”

There is a chorus of boos from the vast stands encircling the arena. You have the attention of the Nightmare Army, which will likely serve to hamper escape attempts. More pressingly, you have the chance now to take the Cascade under your wing at a vital moment, provided you can sideline the Rider Princess.

You can work with this. Yes.

Eupheria flounces away, the ground rolling up to meet her feet as she marches up towards the Royal Box, her train dragging through the grass behind her, and you march over to take possession of the Cascade as the traditional pre-match Team Strategy hourglass turns and begins the steady trickle of sand down into the lower chamber.

[Please explain some of the rules of the Princess Olympics at this time, before the match properly begins.]

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Kathelia!

“TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT! WHO’S THE QUEEN THAT WE ALL HATE?! LET’S! BEAT! EUPHERIA!!!”

Princess Kyouko explodes into the tent, shaking her pom-poms, right as you put your glasses back on. This is unexpected for a lot of reasons. For one, you’d probably hoped that Kyouko would have avoided getting caught. Now you know that even if your allies are in the labyrinth, Eupheria’s happy to toss curses on them as well.

Also unexpected is the fact that Kyouko is wearing a magenta-and-sequins Labyrinth High top, a pleated miniskirt that keeps lifting up and flashing her panties every time she jumps, which she is doing a lot, and thigh-highs. And... okay, some princesses can rock pigtails, but sadly Kyouko really isn’t one of them. But that’s okay, because if she did look super cute in pigtails, you would probably expire on the spot.

“IT’S ABOUT TIME TO SEE US MEET; WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN’T BE BEAT! GOOOOOO TEAM PRINCESS!!”

And from behind her, Eupheria politely claps.

***

Adila!

“Well, well, well,” Eupheria says, sweeping in grandly. She’s turned Caddy into an umbrella, and has a tiny hat cocked on her magenta hair, and is generally dressed for a very posh day out at the athletic meet, cheering from the sidelines like a proper queen. Her corset is impossibly tight and her skirts don’t so much billow out as annex territory. Her hands fan her, hold her teacup, fan out a copy of Princess Sports Monthly, and make condescending little gestures.

“Eight little princesses! Isn’t that... so frustrating!” She sounds playful! You would know if she really was mad. She’s playing another game. “Today we’re doing triples, darlings, not a simple good princess against bad princess. Which means we need another competitor! Luckily, I’ve been giving it a careful think, and there’s someone here who thinks she can get away with not playing.”

There are a bunch of hands grabbing at you again, and you can’t move, as the umbrella-Caddy gleams. It’s a bad memory, and for a moment you’re back in Feloria and Oberon is forcing your jaw open, but this time Dandy’s standing right next to you, her eyes wide with horror. Then Euphie shoves her arm into your ear instead of your mouth and gwubarble—

***

Mittens!

You’re all frozen. It feels like you should be able to move, but you’re all helpless to do anything but watch. Your heart screams: stand up! Stop her! But it’s as if someone snipped the thread between your heart and your body, and you have to watch as Adila’s eyes spin and bounce around like the googly eyes of the glass dragon.

“Ahahaha, here we are,” Eupheria says, and yanks. What she drags out, for a moment, looks like a glyph made of intricate words, much like an Axonian dream-catcher. Then she smacks two hands on it hard, clap, and that frees everyone to move. Pandemonium breaks out in the tent as Adila howls, a heartbreaking sound, and everyone half-bolts forward—

And Euphie wrings Adila I out of her hands, dangling the starry-eyed young woman above the grass.

“Hey there, Addie!”

Adila I rallies as quickly as you’d expect. “You are aware I’m just an echo of the original, correct?” Maybe you should start calling her Echo Adila so there’s no confusion. Or Solid Adila, because oof, those muscles. “Enacting vengeance on me would be as pointless as torturing one of your art pieces.”

“You’re close enough for me, honeybuns~!” Eupheria tosses Solid Adila on top of Adila (Fuzzy Adila?) and summons up the Curse Generator with a wave of Caddy.

Momma clings tight to both you and Adila, and you’re not sure if it’s in support or desperation. Azora is sarcastically clapping. And Eupheria stands there, so dumb, so smug, maybe having just hurt your friend, and how dare she? How dare she?

Dandy actually takes a swing at her, and without even looking at her Euphie snaps her fingers and the farm princess socks Adila Prime right in her fuzzy jaw instead, having instantly turned around like she was her own reflection in a mirror. She gasps in horror and clutches the dragon-dog’s head tight to her chest. “Oh, oh, shucks and tarnation, Ah, Ah didn’t mean that, oh hayseeds...”

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0

“Depends on the outfit, but not usually. Headscarves are more in style this season. Why? Are you going to finally going to change your outfit?” Sara flashes Euna a grin like a cat that’s just been invited to run security for a cheese convention. “Because I have ideas. No, scratch that, I have galleries. Scratch that, I have connections. Give me twenty-four hours and I can get you a full makeover.”

Stars fall around them, some of them looking suspiciously like bowlers and berets and breastplates as Sara’s mind wanders. “If you want to call out the racist wonder that Vicki’s probably sent after us by now, I know Courtney Lovecraft’s been dying to make something ronin-themed. The Ronin taking down the Shogun, you rubbing it in her dumb face that a badass Korean beat her, ha!”

The barrage stills, so suddenly it’s almost impossible. There’s stillness from above; presumably whoever’s up there is figuring out what to do, now that all their paratroopers have been blasted out of the sky. Victor’s handling saving the civilians, Euna’s cleared out room, and so Sara grabs her friend’s wrist and pulls her close, beckoning over a camera drone as she slips that arm around Euna’s shoulders, pulling the shorter girl in close. “But first...”

“Selfie!”

Click!

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

“You’re the only princess I fear,” Adila says, completely forgetting the existence of her Official Friend yet again.

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Mittens!

Your Momma reaches around your shoulders and pulls you in with one skinny arm. Euphie is really gangly, after all. “I know, dear,” she says, like a somber and serious Euphie. “If there’s anyone who can stop her and what she plans to do to our world... it’s you. No,” she corrects herself. “It’s us.”

She takes a bite of her sandwich, and you can tell plain as day that she’s busy being strong for you, and if you’re strong for her right back, the two of you should be able to tackle whatever Eupheria plans to throw at you. Momma chews contemplatively, and then raises her eyebrows.

“Cinnamon and pepperoni?” Her voice is an incredulous squeak begging for a laugh track, and one imagines it’s hard not to giggle, Mittens.

...by the time you’re finished with your sandwiches, will you let her give you comforting ear rubs?

***

Kathelia!

“But then who gets the wish, loser?” Azora gets aaaaall up in your face, looking soooo smug. She has ringlet curls. Ringlet curls! “You’re just trying to out-think us cuz you can’t out-play us. You want to climb to victory on a ladder made out of us!” She shoves you and knocks you down onto the grass. “Get lost, buckteeth. I’m winning this for Daddy!”

Eska, meanwhile, gives you a cool glare. It’s hard to tell what she’s thinking. Her frozen smile is starting to get really unsettling.

“I’m still with you,” Rita says, offering you a bangled hand. And... gosh, she’s a Jedadi dancing-girl, all low-cut top and veils, and here you are, just a simple nerd, not sure where at all to put your eyes.

Where do you end up staring as you turn beet red?

***

Adila!

Dandy takes the sandwiches, and takes a great big bite, bigger than you’ve usually seen from her. “Sakes alive,” she says, with her mouth full, “Ah’m more starved than a rattler up a tree, Ah tell you what...”

She flops down into a chair, lifting her hooves. “Looks like you’ve had a heck of a time, huh, puppy? Awww, come put your head here, Ah’m not mad at you, Ah just... Ah just need more time to give it some thinks up in my brain-pan, hun.”

She scritches you in the best place right behind your ear and your tail goes thump thump thump, dragging a chair along with it.

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0

Please. This isn’t Space Invaders. In Space Invaders, you shoot a dinky little bullet up from your dinky little ship against wave after wave, moving around desperately.

@SARAHPHIM has all the bullets, and she doesn’t need to scurry around the bottom of the screen. She unleashes her bullet curtain, rising upwards, and lets the goons worry about dodging. They can dodge in three dimensions, right? Right?

Hahahahahahaha.

Though, it must be noted, this is taking 100% of her concentration and then some. Please do not distract her while she turns the sky above the school into a bullet hell zone.

[8 on Defend Others, clearing Showboat because... I mean... just look at what’s going on up there... and exposing Sara to more danger.]

Monster Hearts: Sleepshy Rise

SECOND PLACE
WEREWOLF MAGNET

“Nope! Nope nope nope nope!”

Timmy, you may notice that you have been grabbed from behind and that there are hands covering your eyes, so that you are spared the sight of Annalee the whale in her unmentionables. Which! Is a thing! You could be looking at!!

Elodie certainly is!!!

“I! Am telling!!” Ellie-belly would be pointing a hand accusatorially if she didn’t have her hands full. She starts dragging Timmy by the face backwards. “I am telling the Angel on you!! Attempted seduction! Hexing a fellow student! Dress code violations! You are going to be in all the trouble!!”

And with that, she spins Timmy around, grabs his hand, and heroically starts sprinting— urk— heroically starts dragging him out to find the angel! A path which, coincidentally, leads right past Samael’s office.

Are you going to let her get away with this, Annalee? This blatant hypocrisy??

Monster Hearts: Sleepshy Rise

I’ll also let Annie have Annalee reply here before Elodie butts in!

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

This is one of those moments where you look the MC in the eye and wait for him to dare to suggest making a roll.

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0
SHOWBOAT

It’s too easy, really. They’re not packed in close to cut off her escapes: she’s brought them into a tight knot so that there’s no escape for them. She twirls her fingers, and with each spin it coalesces: first a line, then a rod, then a baton, then a wickedly sharp arrow. Crackling with barely-contained energy, she sends it shooting into the crowd with a delighted cry, and it pierces straight through the gas lines of the first trooper, making them flop and leak out the precious zombiefication gasses. As long as she doesn’t breathe any in, she’ll be fine!

Zip, zip, zip! The arrow dances through their ranks like the perfect cut of an iaijutsu master, tearing open fuel lines and rupturing weak points in their armor. Instead of a rain of bullets for them to hunker down under, Sara is ripping through their vulnerabilities with just one, faster than they can react. Zip, zip, zip!

If she’s very, very lucky, the gas won’t get to her, and she’ll be able to use a hard light wedge to bust free from the disoriented mass, so that she can rejoin Euna. And, hey, the luck’s part of the fun! She’s laughing wildly as she controls that arrow almost by instinct, rather than any sense of sight.