Vilageidiotx — Roleplayer Guild

This is the best time I have to review this week, so imma do it now. Luckily this contest is short entries so it should all go smoothly enough. Though, to be honest, I'm not exactly sure how to review here, so imma just toss out what I think without trying to be too professional, because in the end I think affect is one of the most useful pieces of knowledge for a writer.

In style this totally reminds me of the middle school essay. That is probably more to do with how the subject matter covers the exact sort of thing those write-about-yourself essays tend to ask for. So, and I am just rambling now, this brings back memories of MLA format, and that method of required reviewing where you find one specific nice thing to say about the piece so that the review reads like "I like the way you described your cat. Very good work." But that's all a digression. 

Your phrasing is a tad hit and miss. The biggest blow-out in terms of phrasing was this sentences: 

"I called the simple word out while flipping chairs over to make sure he wasn’t resting on them and clawing under beds to see if I could feel even a wisp of his silken threads"

I had to read that several times to get what was being said. There are grammatical problems, and there are wording problems. When you explain why you are flipping chairs (to make sure he wasn't resting on them) you transition into and out of that part of the sentence with no punctuation and into another thing you are doing (clawing under the bed). That transition isn't obvious. It makes it worse that you use the word "Clawing" to describe your actions, which makes it easy to imagine you checking under chairs to make sure the cat isn't clawing under the bed. Silken threads as a phrase also confuses the sentence, since in the same way cats claw more often than people, a cat clawing at literal silken threads is easier to imagine than a person clawing at a cat whose hair is like silken threads. So all in all, that sentence was uncomfortably vague.

On the other hand, 
Perhaps it was because he and I were on the same wavelength, because we had a connection, a deep bond created between pet and owner that cannot be understood by someone who has never owned one. Or maybe it’s because my cat’s a little wimp and was breaking his vocal chords just to get my attention.
I did like this. The ol' misdirection. A classic, and one I used just as much as the next guy when I was writing essays like this, but it is still a fun classic and I approve of how you played it. Particularly the set-up sentence. I think you hit a stride in that sentence, because it flows exactly perfect and the word-usage exactly what you would want

So, with everything added up, I think you wrote a pleasant essay that does fit the nature of the contest. But the school essay is like a a relative or friend you've grown distant from; you might like seeing them every now and then, to remember old times and feel the nostalgia that comes with visits to previous parts of your life, but if you linger too long together you might come to realize why you grew distant in the first place. For the same reason you wouldn't call a person like that your closest friend, the classic essay isn't quite going to win an open-style contest like this. Good work though, and I hope Cat recovers from his ordeal.

I had to take a minute to pretend I could pronounce that word before I went on.

Anyway, reading this I feel like maybe this is a personal experience? It may or may not actually be, but it is a good thing either way that you managed to produce this feeling. I suspect it has to do with how you approached this from such a personal level. You didn't focus on the race, you focused on the feeling of entering the race, and I just naturally like that type of thing. It was a wise decision focusing on what happens before rather than during. I also like how it is educational, showing the reader something about a local culture. 

I do have some critique though. The sentences follow a very similar pattern, which makes the prose sort of droning. With that in mind, I don't think it was wise to pack in descriptors right out the gate since those are usually not interesting on their own. Not to say you don't need descriptors, but rather you need to sell them in a better way than a simple sentence surrounded by simple sentences right at the beginning of the thing. 

There is also the matter of the bracketed explanation right before we read the story. I think it would have been better if you seeded all of that information into the story itself so the reader gets to learn about the event within the writing. Same reason you wouldn't want a novel to start with a description of all the basic plot elements in brackets before the story starts. The slow reveal is more fun.

Still, you have a knack for sentiment and that is always good. The subject matter also seems perfectly chosen for this sort of thing. I will keep this piece in mind as I read the others.

I pretty much went immediately to imagining this exchange like Mulder and Scully, but in the real world and in a real professional setting. It's a fun exchange. That last half, about him getting into the car, actually grabbed me because It was ambivalent enough to think "Did she go through with her threat or did something else happen." The one thing that killed this was that ending, because it wasn't perhaps the most crystal-clear wording, so for a brief second I thought he had just locked a box of aliens into his car. I'm not completely dumb so I got it rather quickly after that, but the effect was sort of lost in that brief moment of uncertainty. The first part of the story started slowly too, and I think this is at least part-ways because your first three sentences follow exactly the same format. "Statement." here is a phrase, here is another phrase. Mix and match the sentences so things feel a tad bit more natural.

But that middle bit, it did grab me and that is good. You succeeded in making Rob Mulder into a human being who the reader feels empathy for. I really do hope he gets a job with the FBI or something.

This is good. This is really good. I admit when I saw what it was I was sort of expecting a fallout rip-off. But that isn't even remotely what you did here (except for the DOS look and the entire end of the world thing). 

Okay, first thing's first, the format is slightly annoying. That's a personal thing and not an appropriate thing for me to say considering the contest, but reading long stories off of images is kind of a hassle. Had to get out of the way because I honestly can't say I have any more critique. All I can give you now is personal impressions.

I like how you used the unreliable narrator. Was this really an all-powerful AI just oopsy-daisying its way through world destruction, or is it a murderous psychopath making excuses for itself? You get the feeling that all the excuses are weak and paper-thin, but then you get to the philosophizing at the end and you see a hint of what might be sincerity. Reading this you get the strong suspicion that the AI itself isn't quite sure, and we are watching the marriage of an imperfect, almost schizophrenic system with something like absolute power. The AI is a character, and a really well thought out one.

The only other thing I can think to add is this; why the righteous fuck is there an Osaka in Switzerland?

I assume the last paragraph is true? Because I like the image that, when looking at the contest theme, you just went "Fuck it, I'll write the first thing that pops up in my imagination." Of course even if the last paragraph is also fictional it doesn't matter, because all that really matters is you managed to create that impression.

Your writing is good. It doesn't stand out, but at no point does it hurt you or trip over itself awkwardly, and that is usually the best place to land. Your prose at no point goes too bare or too purple. It does take a bit of effort to read though because, by the nature of what you decided to do, your post is literally all description. I actually thought most of these stories would end up being just description, and that makes sense considering what the contest is about, but that doesn't take away from the problem that comes out of description. Description on its own is tedious in large amounts. I think that's why the best descriptions are always poems; short, and put together in a pleasing way. I see you know this because you work on a backwards progression narrative of sorts. Still, I have to say my favorite part of the story was the idea.

I don't want to leave it there though, because I feel like that judgement alone gives the wrong impression. I liked the writing, and I can tell you know how to write. It's just the description-heavy angle you chose to pursue that made this a bit slow of a piece.

It's an emotional bit that you carried pretty well as far as I can tell. I've never been good at writing this sort of thing, so I greatly respect people who can pull it off in a way that isn't awkward, and I think you pulled it off. It's a tad airy, which is my only complaint, since it oftentimes feels like you focus on the analogous descriptions to a point where it feels sort of vague. It isn't really vague at all, and it's easy to tell what is going on, but it gives the feeling of vagueness like I am missing something even if I don't see what. I don't want to use the "Hallmark" comparison, especially since that last paragraph was heavier than anything hallmark, but I suppose the rest of it creates that greeting-card sentiment that makes it feel a tad airy.

But yeh, that last paragraph walked that thin line between awkward over the top and awkward vague that almost always plagues this sort of thing. That's an accomplishment. The emotion/focus ratio is exactly right.

I can't judge the photo because I don't even know if we are supposed to do that, so I won't judge it, nor will I judge your tree for it's proud anarcho-syndicalist sympathies.

Did you take that photograph, or know who took it? Because that is a lot more professional than I could have expected. And of course Ms Aine is a good model for it. I don't know if we are supposed to talk about the photos though, so I'll move on to the poem.

Gonna note though, before I start, that I cannot write poetry. I follow a sort of "I don't know art but I know what I like" policy when I judge poetry, so bare with me on that.

I once knew a dude quite briefly who was really good as a beat poet. The stereotype of the beat poet is always the smarmy beatnik with the bongo drums, and an uncultured ass like me might fall for that trap, but this dude wasn't like that. He could take a poem and recite it with so much raw emotion that it felt like watching something truly important. I mention this because this is the first poem I have read on this site that makes me think of that guy and his style. Especially that first verse, which is a 10/10 introduction and honestly on its own put you in the contest for what I thought, having read yours last, was a vote already won for a story some hiders above. 

But, with me being an uncultured ass, I am afraid I have to admit I don't know exactly what is happening. Some of those verses fail to get a reaction from me. But then I run across something like...

No more shells,
There are none left to break
On these decaying shores 

Which could very well be written on a monument and be worthy of the honor. Or...

The girl hopes it is
So she can become the pendulum
And swing, with the freedom
Of nothingness

Which is also quite good.

I get the emotion of the poem - the desperate sort of depression this absolutely exudes - but some of the verses, particularly the longer ones, are dense enough to fly over the head of somebody like myself.

Having read them all, imma say it was "The Database" and "Silent Blues In The Park" that became the shoe-in competitors for my vote. And with that in mind, imma give that @vote to "The Database".
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Jacobin of All Trades

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