Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Cath
Raw
Avatar of Cath

Cath So this is what we're up against...

Member Seen 6 days ago

Joos said
You know what? Why not? Go on. But remember. If you post anime, your character application will be rejected immediately and you will be barred forever from this world

Yay!
:O You know i'd never do a thing like that

Ahh, that's better. A few are on my application post.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Potato
Raw

Potato

Member Offline since relaunch

Mai thief application post •^•

The thief stood in front of the gate of a large clay house, much larger than the regular houses all around it, one that obviously belonged to nobility. He looked at it up from down, walking around it as well for analyzation purposes, for he needed to know what the best way in and out were. He didn't approve much of nobility at all, for they were the reason that his nation was in turmoil, divided and weak, always fighting one other. That being said, the nobles had a few good qualities about them: the fact they were easy to pickpocket, and the fact they had so much he could loot from, the possibilities were so endless for him. It was for those reasons he both liked and disliked the nobles, the latter being the reason he was watching the house, observing it and analyzing it.

After he took his time studying it, he made his way to the place he thought would be best to sneak in unnoticed from, not the back wall which you'd expect to be the least guarded, but the one on the left side. Over his years of experience, he realized that it was only the front that was guarded; the back was hardly thought of since any type of movement there would be telegraphed. The sides were the best way to go; nobody ever expected a place like that to be so vulnerable, to be such a weakness and a danger. Side doors were quite common in three nations of Turma, and nobility were no exception. Going through a side door on the floor generally yielded no results, since no noble with common sense kept their valuables in a place so easily accessed, the first floor. No, he'd need to work harder than that; a simple in and out would not suffice for something like this.

The male looked up at the wall of the building, smiling to himself as reached his right hand forward, his fingers spaced out about an inch from each other, each one excluding the thumb bent a bit while exerting a small amount of force on a groove in the wall. He then reached his left hand up, grabbing for another groove, about half a foot higher than the one his right hand was holding onto, while he brought his right foot up, yet the toes of his sandals were not in a groove, they would be using friction. He pulled himself up, bringing his left foot up as well, resting it higher than his right foot, while his right hand grabbed at the wall, then his left, while his feet readjusted themselves. He continued doing similar motions, climbing up the wall. He enjoyed everything about this, the wind blowing against him, the dark of the night, his clothes flapping in the wind, the feel of his hands against the clay, even the slight ache of his muscles, and especially the rush he got when he was partaking in theft. Oh, how he wished he could join the Thieves Guild in Badair, he could spend most of his time stealing, experiencing the rush he loved so much. He was a carefree person, he cared not for anything but that day, no goals, no plans, almost nothing at all. His only desire for the future, the only thing that resembled a goal, was his wish to join the Thieves Guild, as mentioned before.

Once he had reached the balcony of a room on the second floor, he pulled himself up onto it, grinning widely. He dusted his clothes off, and tested the door, expecting it to be unlocked; not many people expected a thief to come from a place like that. He was right, and so he opened the door very slowly, which creaked a bit, too much for his liking. He cursed under his breath, quickly pulling his tall and thin frame away from the door, getting on his hands and knees and he listened, to see if anyone had heard the creaking of the door. After about 12 seconds of restlessness, fear, and luckily for him, silence, he slowly got up, and pushed the door open just enough so that he could enter. As his thin frame slipped through the small gap he felt slightly grateful about his build, albeit the fact it wasn't as impressive as that of the other men.

He walked quietly through the room, not walking regularly for that would make sound; Instead he leaned on the foot that was behind the other, slowly moving onto his toes as he brought the other foot forwards, continuing to keep his weight on the foot that was behind the other. He set the one in front down on his heel, leaning forward and putting it flat upon the ground as he brought the foot behind forward, continuing the same pattern to avoid being heard. He made his way to a closet, opened it and took a few valuables, namely coins and some jewelry. He pulled out a sack, which was slightly small, enough to hold quite a few small items. He put the coins and jewelry in the sack, before making his way out of that room. He heard voices downstairs, but absolutely nobody upstairs, which he was very grateful for, it only made his job more easy. He went off to another room, filling the sack with all the valuables he desired, making sure not to get too greedy and take more than would be good for one who had to sneak out again.

Once he was done, he made his way to the room he had come in from, slipped through the gap he had left for himself, glad that he hadn't taken too much, since he didn't need to open the door more. He climbed off the balcony, onto the wall again with the sack over his shoulder, and climbed down effortlessly; coming down was much easier than going up. Once he was at a reasonable altitude, he jumped, turned around, and dashed off, making his way to a narrow street, not wanting to be near the noble's house when it was realized that they had been looted. He grinned widely, sitting down in the street to catch his breath, feeling absolutely wonderful, the rush was still there. Not only had he managed to steal from a noble's house, he had managed to do it from right under their noses, while they themselves were at home. He got up, went off to his relatively small home, and left the valuables there, hiding them in a place it'd be difficult to find, a hole in the ground, covered by a large box, which had some valuables, two pieces of jewelry, and in comparison to what he had now, a small number of coins. The thief thought ahead, he made sure that people wouldn't search more around the box, his method being putting a fraction of what he had there, so that anyone who broke into his home would feel satisfied and leave. After he hid what he had taken, minus a few coins, he went to a tavern nearby, for a celebratory drink or two.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

Potato. I think it needs a rewrite, and here are my key observations

1. Try to bring out qualities rather than just state them. In my character description, I said he was carefree. In your post you say he is carefree. But why or how? If a person is by nature angry, then you bring that out by, say, showing him arguing with someone. Like that, show me he is carefree. Dont just tell me he is carefree. I know that because i wrote the description. You need to show me your understanding of that description

2. While your grammar and spelling are fine, I have a problem with your choice of words. Words like analyzing, phrases like 12 seconds, while correct, give a very modern feel. See if you can find some alternatives. Like "He counted to 12" and appraised or surveyed or observed

3. I love the way you describe his climbing. It has the elements of an almost super-human feat and yiur words make it seem believable. I think you should apply the same level of care to the other aspects.

4. Something you should know about the Thieves guild. More than anything else, joining the guild is about respect and protection. The guild has an understanding with the city guards and helps apprehended theives get off for a small payment.

5. I hope you are planning on giving him a name!

6. The adjective of Turmen is Turmen. Not Turmenian. The city is Bagair. Not Badair
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Cath
Raw
Avatar of Cath

Cath So this is what we're up against...

Member Seen 6 days ago

It's very functional. There's nothing at all wrong with that of course, but sometimes leaving stuff to the reader's imagination is both the easier and more competent choice.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Potato
Raw

Potato

Member Offline since relaunch

My apologies, I'll rewrite. This would be my second advanced rp, and the first one didn't go very far.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by AmazinglyVivid
Raw
Avatar of AmazinglyVivid

AmazinglyVivid Obfuscating Reality

Member Seen 8 yrs ago

I'm currently writing up an application for the princess, but I have a question about the Shuna. It has been established that their Spark will die if they are not trained by the time they're nineteen, but from the description of the princess, she is sixteen and has not been trained yet. When, exactly will she go to the White Island for her training? Is that the norm for those found to have the Spark? And, having not been trained, about what level of control and strength should she have in her abilities?
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

Training must begin before the 19th year. In particular, the shuna need to be able consciously hold the spark. Once they learn to do that, there is no danger of the spark dying out. Typically, training begins at the age of 16 and above in the White Island. The princess is probably already preparing for the journey.

Without being able to consciously hold the spark, the shuna has no control. Only in very rare moments of intense stress will it emanate in random bursts. Otherwise, there is nothing. There are instances of the shuna feeling an affinity towards certain elements even before they are trained, but it doesn't amount to anything but an awareness of, say, a nearby water body or the ability to sense distant storms
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Cath
Raw
Avatar of Cath

Cath So this is what we're up against...

Member Seen 6 days ago

Aannd we're back.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

And we need more people! Mooooore!!!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Cath
Raw
Avatar of Cath

Cath So this is what we're up against...

Member Seen 6 days ago

Mooooooooorrrrrrrreeeee!!!!!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Halvtand
Raw
Avatar of Halvtand

Halvtand The Voice of Reason

Member Seen 2 mos ago

More?

Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by SonofJET
Raw
Avatar of SonofJET

SonofJET Creation Addict

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

Hello! I am very interested in filling the role of the soldier.

I'm on the road right now, but I'm almost home, where I will plunk myself down upon my finely upholstered throne (couch) and create an application post. :D
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by CraftWork
Raw

CraftWork

Member Seen 4 yrs ago

Yay! More people!

I'm going to work on some more back story for Markous.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by SonofJET
Raw
Avatar of SonofJET

SonofJET Creation Addict

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

Here you go. I wasn't sure if you were going for "snooty noble" or "eater of humble pie" for this character, so I opted for the second one.



Okay, so maybe a little of both. ;)
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

SonofJET - Absolutely brilliant! It is a good blend of the two indeed and I saw lots of room for character development. You are accepted!

Halvtand - Very nice edits. I like them. And from now on, dan in Gor means 'of' or 'belonging to a tribe'. You are accepted!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Halvtand
Raw
Avatar of Halvtand

Halvtand The Voice of Reason

Member Seen 2 mos ago

Joos:
Thank you, I'm looking forward to playing this. It'll be so much fun. :)
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

And here is my main character

Tamara Sendai looked with apprehension at the retreating coastline. Not even a few leagues from White Island and she was already getting the jitters. The calm salty breeze of the sea did nothing to calm her nerves as she fidgeted with her sash. She had relinquished the grey robes of Vyandir for something less overt. She was wearing a simple riding dress in pale blue and her Sendai staff had been packed earlier with her things in the hold. The Mahdi had been especially clear about stealth. Time was not yet ripe for a declaration.

And yet, Tamara could feel the prickling in her spine. The Mahdi, Mother Marna Domios, had sealed her to secrecy. Made her swear a blood oath. Initially, it had all been rather thrilling. The words of the prophecy, dredged up from the forgotten archives of the White Island library, translated by the Mahdi herself, proved beyond doubt that the signs were clear. The Mahdi was convinced and that was enough for Tamara.

As the small raker lapped the waves and made for Morn, the Menarian port, Tamara allowed herself a brief respite from the present worries and thought of Marna. Not as the Mahdi but as the childhood friend she had trained with. Not many people in the White Island remembered their friendship, but it had survived the tumultuous years leading to Marna's election as the Mahdi. Now, though tradition demanded her to be more than human, Marna remembered her true self when they were alone together. They laughed and gossiped like girls once more.

She knew the trust that she carried, along with the sealed letter. If the letter were to fall in the wrong hands, it would mean instant execution. And the Mahdi would not be spared too. She too would be beheaded for treason. In the White Island, the law was higher than any single person. Even the Mahdi.

But if they were right, she and Marna - then the fate of the world depended on her mission. The Mahdi had entrusted her with the task of finding the Seven, apart from being a courier. And they did not have to start blindly. The prophecies already showed the way.

"From the city wrought by the Lion shall come one who knows Tumla" said the fateful words. The city wrought by the Lion. Only a few scholars knew that Altalan was called the Lion. His royal sigil was a rearing lion. And the city that he wrought, with his own hands, lay to the west. The city of history, the city of power - Elband. Tamara knew of Menaria's rich history, of its current queen. She knew about the princess, already rumoured to have a lot of potential with the Spark. And more than anything else, she also knew of House Tarmalene. They claimed descent from Tumla, the Goddess of Water. Is she the one who knows Tumla?

Even if she was, she was just one of seven. What other words pointed to what other people? How could she find them? It was said that life is like a stream of water which branches into numerous possibilities. But when the need is great, it would bend around those willing to take the initiative. She hoped it would bend around her and bring her closer to the seven. With a chill, she realized that it would mean stepping closer to the end.

"The Great Star protect us all," she whispered.

She was standing at the prow, looking ahead towards the Ethnoi. There was no time to waste now. The winds were changing. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. She sought the void, the emptiness where no passions rule. She felt the seductive call of the Spark within her. Carefully, with the experience of years of training, she opened herself up and touched the Spark. The Power roared through her immediately like a wild beast. To another Sendai's eyes, she would be glowing now, holding this amount of power. She could feel the essence of the Wind around her, swirling like an ethereal river. She reached out and held Wind in her hands. She made a sweeping gesture and the wind around the boat picked up. It unfurled the sails and blew fast, and the boat sped forward like a seagull.

Reluctantly, she let go of the Spark. Her channeling would be enough to reduce travel time by half and she would be in Morn by morning. After that, to Elband to deliver an important letter and to take custody of an important girl. After that... She knew not where.
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Cath
Raw
Avatar of Cath

Cath So this is what we're up against...

Member Seen 6 days ago

Fantastic post!
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Halvtand
Raw
Avatar of Halvtand

Halvtand The Voice of Reason

Member Seen 2 mos ago

Sooo, how are we doing?
Hidden 10 yrs ago Post by Joos
Raw
GM

Joos

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

Sorry. I have been traveling this past week. Hence the lack of posts.

We still need two more players before we can continue. Where is my thief? Where art thou, princess?
↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet