Breakup blues remedies anyone? :(

[Soulserenity20]

I just left my boyfriend of 6 months, who is also my best friend. I didn't want to but I don't have time to be in a relationship... I'm a single mother and full time student, I have one friend whom I see once a month or two becuase I'm so busy.

This guy, he waited around to see me for a few hours a week for 6 months, he would do anything for me. But I can't give him more time hat I don't have.

So I let him go, he deserves to find a girlfriend who has time to spend with him and be there for him.

I never told him that I love him, even though I have for a long time now. He's the most special person in my life and the best friend I could ask for. But I can't just sit there and lead him on, telling him "oh I'll have more time for you next semester" or "maybe after item you son to bed" every single day, and it never happening.

He shouldn't have to hide his own feelings because he doesn't want to make me feel bad for having priorities. His feelings are just as important. But he's too good of a man to make me feel bad about not having Time for him. Bah. I just, ugh, I didn't want to leave him.

But really, what kind of person would I be if made a guy that genuine stand in the shadows waiting for his girlfriend to find some time to give him while he sits and keeps quiet about how hard it is for him.

A monster, that's what.



So...
How do you all deal with breakups? It's been a few years since I've dealt with one so I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

[Nightlock]

My "ex boyfriend" and I still talk regularly, and he seems to think it is okay to tell me he loves me and to act like he wants me back and then change his mind within the next couple hours or the next day. He sounds exactly like you in the aspect that he was super busy with classes/work ALL the time and apparently that is why we broke up in the first place.

So, my advice to you would be to back off and give the both of you space to let each other go. Keeping contact only keeps the flame burning, in my opinion. But I'm a bit of a hyprocrit because I tell myself the same damn thing and here I am, still talking to the dork. Love is too complicated!

[Commander]

Having a lot of contact isn't going to do either of you a favor. I see where you're coming from and why you made the decision; it doesn't make you a bad person. He has the freedom to move on and find somebody else, or continue to wait for you. That's out of your control and should be out of your mind. You've made the decision to focus on you and that is what you should do.

You obviously care about him and if he's a sensible person he'll understand that. There's nothing to say "fate" won't bring you two back together down the road, but today is today. Be there for him if something goes down, but you will need space if you want any chance at getting over him in the short term. Good luck.

[Gwazi Magnum]

Normally what I've done when dealing with break ups has been

1) Console in friends
2) Restrict contact with the other person

However, in my case the person I went out with dumped me regularly using different reasoning each time (Distance, other boys, depression etc.) and got me in a repeating cycle of getting together and getting hurt more. So cutting off contact in that case ended up being the best thing for me if for nothing more than to break that cycle after 2 years.

So really I'd suggest mostly just consoling with friends, or at least find something to distract your mind and let you enjoy yourself for a bit.
You did well before the relationship, it's now mostly a process of getting back to that state again.

And I don't think you're villain or anything at all for what you did.
In fact I half-applaud you for having the strength to leave someone you love like that for their own well being.
I can relate to having to be in a relationship where finding time to be with one another is a hassle, and although it sucks when you can spend such little time together for some people it's enough to keep them going. There really is no right or wrong answer on what to do in such a case though, it's all up to the individuals in each situation.

It's a tough ride for everyone involved, I wish you both the best of luck whatever happens.

[Soulserenity20]

Thankyou all for being so kind and helpful, your words make me feel better and I think you're all right, as much as I don't want to let him disappear from my life mybe that is the best thing for us.

Ugh.
Never again. I'm not dating till my kid moves out.

[Griever]

Your priorities come first.

If a man wasn't willing to put up with your life, he would have been gone a long time ago. I think you made a bad choice honestly.

[Soulserenity20]

Griever said
Your priorities come first.If a man wasn't willing to put up with your life, he would have been gone a long time ago. I think you made a bad choice honestly.

He's the type of guy who wouldn't ever dare speak out about his emotions. If his own mother just died and I asked if he was okay it'd be "I'm fine" and he'd put on that poker face. He's dropped hints that he's not happy, always asking for more time together and hinting at the obvious. But he would never, never, leave me because I have a full plate. He's too good a man for that. But I think that in any relationship, both people have to get what they need. And he wasn't getting it.

Also... I was his first girlfriend. And he's 24. So that might be why he has such a hard time understanding that a relationship isn't just doing what your girlfriend wants when she wants, it's about working together to be fulfilled, I guess.

Maybe you're right though..

I Donno, like I said, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sit there any tell him week after week that "I don't have time for you" because I know how much it hurts to hear that.

[Kestrel]

I'm sorta on the same page as... Well, Griever. Who thought that'd ever happen?

Open and honest communication is a large part of the foundation for a healthy relationship, and I apologise if I'm wrong but I get the impression there's been more self-justification than communication. Look, if you'd just have said "I don't feel good about having a relationship where I always feel guilty, a feeling that persists regardless of what he tells me." I'd understand completely and I'd probably be saying something about Ben & Jerry's or whatever (god that is delicious.) But if I'm honest, I don't think you should disempower and reason for a person, especially not for one you love. Instead have an open and honest conversation with them. At 24 we can hold a guy responsible for his decisions, especially if they're well-informed. You could've given him your honest feelings and expectations for him to base his decision on. Be open, be honest, and respect people to make their own decisions. That's really the best you can do.

It might not be of much use now and it's not to hit you on the way out or anything, but it's something I hope you can give some thought for your next relationship.

[Gwazi Magnum]

I feel the need to remind people that the nature of relationships varies person to person and the specific paring involved.
What may work well in one relationship may be a terrible thing to do in another.

However, that being said there are usually a few universal things that every relationship benefits from.
Mainly being things like trust & honesty. Without it the relationships days are numbered.
Not to say anything you did warrants any kind of mistrust though, farthest from it.
But Griever and Kestrel have a point in that he probably deserves the honest reason for what's going on.

Especially as a fully grown adult who should have good control over his emotions and decision making.
If in the end you still think it's best to be separate that's fine. But I would suggest giving him the honest reason as to why you broke up with him.

Though it honestly isn't really our place to be giving advice like that or saying "You should do this" to begin with.
So obviously feel free to completely ignore us in this regard.

[Munk]

Magic Magnum said
I feel the need to remind people that the nature of relationships varies person to person and the specific paring involved.What may work well in one relationship may be a terrible thing to do in another.

Amen.

I agree, if you can find the strength to do it, it's a good idea to tell him what's been going on in your head. But don't beat yourself up about doing what you feel you need to in order to take care of yourself. If you do, it's totally understandable and natural. You're allowed to feel however you feel ♥

(Personally, I think you made a good choice. I also have trouble sharing my emotions, and in my experience it can be incredibly stressful on a relationship if one part has to do most or all of the emotional legwork.)

[Skittlez]

Ice cream. Movies. I got into Dr. Who. I went out when I had free tine. Deleted him from my life (but we had a really bad break up so... He was also blocked and what not). Kept busy, was firm with myself and yeah, I wrote my feelings sometimes. So maybe that would help.

[Gwazi Magnum]

A strategy I also find helps many people is try to get back into your daily life and routine as soon as possible.
Grieving and such is important and healthy, but too much of it get's your mind stuck in a very pro-longed hurtful period where you're being hurt/held back by the break up far longer than you should be.

Trust me on the last part, I'm speaking from personal experience there.