Blitz — Roleplayer Guild

Well now, let’s start some reviews shall we?

I’m a bit of a softie and will more than likely enjoy everything I read, but I will try to be as constructively critical as possible too, since we’re all here to improve. If you have any questions or wish to clarify something I may have misunderstood, just let me know.

Oh, and I suppose it’s worth mentioning that I’m sitting in a public place while doing this and I’m also very, very tired after a long day and, for some reason, I was struck with the inspiration to start these reviews. For the first set that I get done I apologize for any odd, incorrect, or otherwise nonsensical statements. I may come back and edit these first reviews when I’m in a more alert state of mind.

EDIT: I think it's also worth mentioning that my experience with literary critique is extremely lacking and for someone who likes writing (albeit for fun) as much as I do, I actually kind of hate real literature. Or, I guess I just don't know how to appreciate it. My reviews will probably be more subjective in that sense, because I'm clueless when it comes to being... literary.

First of all, I think adding your own vocals were very unique. I personally have the most disgusting singing voice, so major props to you for putting yourself out there like that! I think you have a knack at songwriting.

Your work was very… I want to say tender. It was very sweet and caring, and well, that just made me smile. Someone needs to reunite these two immediately!

Now for the criticism… Well, there’s really not much to criticize. I would say I was expecting something a tad deeper, but that isn’t exactly the point of this contest, is it? It seems like you really had fun writing this, and it’s very creative, so you already get points for that.

I got really excited when I saw your song selection for this. I love Lana del Rey, and her songs just get me in some kind of mood… A good mood, of course. I just got really excited to put on the song and read along.

I loved how you took your time with this, how you slowly and intricately described how the narrator looks, how the anxiety slowly creeps into her mind, and how her appearance becomes slightly more disheveled as the night goes on.

One could argue that the ending was predictable, but I’m a sucker for these kinds of stories. It’s like, “Okay, Alfie’s obviously dead… but maybe he isn’t… maybe there’s gonna be a happy ending!” And you read on with desperate hope and everything just falls apart at the end. Love it. Well done.

I thought this entry was different, in a good way of course. 

I liked how the story flowed. I know it’s not supposed to be a poem, but it somewhat reminded me of one… Does that make sense? I guess not. Sorry about that.

Like my above review for Homesick (which you may or may not have read), this is also a very sweet and tender story, and I liked the sense of hope that the couple has at the end about going out West. A new beginning and a new life that is always so exciting.

There were a few grammar mistakes that others have pointed out, but I’m not too much of a stickler for it. I mean in some cases it can be distracting, but it wasn’t in your story, at least not for me.

Anyway, I think you did a good job!

Ooooh, the title gave me chills!

Wow. Wow, wow wow. That was deep…and also kind of scary. Look, listen to me, I really liked your poem. Seriously. I would try to analyze it right here, but any of my English teachers could tell you that I’m terrible at poetry analysis, so anything I say here couldn’t possibly do your work justice. I do, however, know this is an excellent poem; that much is for sure. And it’s not just the meaning behind the poem (which, again, I will not try to analyze so as to not possibly offend you), but your style is just… Brr! Haunting. Enchanting. This is a piece of art!

Me *looks at title*
Me “oh, this will make me smile!”
Me *reads*
Me “oh.”
Me *reads more*
Me “oh no.”
Me *finishes reading*
Me “oh my.”

I was expecting something so fluffy and happy! I’m sure you had a reason for that contrast though. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing at all.

Well, in short, I liked the story. You take your time with descriptions, which is something I personally appreciate; and you don’t spend too much time describing things to the point where the storyline becomes drowned in a sea of meaningless adjectives and metaphors. So that’s great!

I actually didn’t expect poor Eric to die; that was unexpected. I just thought his life would crumble, but I was wrong. Boom, over. I thought that was a cool (?) way to end the story. 

Now then, I am going to, very tentatively, point out the last sentence: “If Eric had seem himself a few years previous he wouldn't have either.” Hmmmm. Yes. I think sometimes people are so caught up in their present lives, which can be comprised of anything (and Eric’s case, it was drug addiction) that your past can become completely blurred from your memory. It’s sad how that happens. I think we can all agree that has happened at some point or another in our lives, when we almost forget how we used to be.

Now, if that wasn’t even close to the point you were trying to make, I apologize. But what I drew from it was that, it was deep, and I liked it, so… Can’t complain, right? <3

Love the song. A few months ago I went through this phase where it was stuck in my head for like a week straight… Aheerrm, anyway.

When I saw the prompt was to write a story/poem inspired by or based on a song, I considered the idea of using a song’s lyrics in the story itself, but I was still pleasantly surprised when I read your entry. Maybe it’s because of how cleverly embedded the lyrics within the narration—it was smooth. However the only thing I think doesn’t fit is the “Kyoto to the bay” part. I always thought this “bay” referred to the San Francisco Bay area (which, on a flat world map would span from Japan in the east all the way to California in the west). I don’t think there’s a bay in the city of Kyoto. There is, however, a big lake nearby, according to Google Maps.

But that’s just being nit-picky. I had to actually look that up and it’s not like that completely destroyed the infrastructure of your story or anything.

I found the energy of the narrator to be contagious (it kinda reminded me of stubborn but lovable characters like Naruto). Just reading his dialogue with Sarah made me want to jump up and learn Japanese too.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable read and I thought it was quite creative. :D

Never heard the song, but the rhythm is catchy as hell. *adds it to a list of songs to download*

So… I’m going to go ahead and suppose this work is about same-sex relationships/marriage, am I correct? I just got that vibe from these quotes:
“Didn’t know God was such a / Homophobic snob” 
“How is it not, / How is it not okay?”
“You take their love / And you bring it down”
…etc.

I will therefore be reviewing your work from that perspective. Again, if I somehow misunderstood, please point that out.

At any rate, I like how you kept bits and pieces of the original song and made them fit to your own work. That’s impressive to me. Anyway, I just thought the poem was, I don’t know, beautiful, I guess, though that sounds like a strong word. It seemed to convey the meaning while still going along with the rhythm of the song and maintaining its subtlety. Awesome job! (Keep on fighting for freedom!)

I’ve been saying this a lot, but I love the song!

Just to clarify, does little Kuba have two fathers? One whom she calls “Dad” and the other, “Pop”? I’m going to assume that’s the case for now.

I found Kuba’s innocence about her Pop’s deployment to Afghanistan to be refreshing, if that’s the right word for it. I also liked her Dad’s lessons that, “when that opinion insults you or the people you love, you are not obligated to listen!”

For some reason, alluding to the “refreshing” bit I mentioned earlier, your work was really relaxing to read. I can’t really explain why; but sitting on your balcony, and slowly taking your time to map out the stars just sounds so… calming! Ah, I love it! Anyway, good job!

P.S., my favorite line was “the sliding door did what it did best.” :)

Ooh, short and sweet. It was nice to see a work that wasn’t too lengthy (which isn’t to say that a long story is bad or anything; it was just nice to see something different). Also, for as short as it was, I found the meaning to be very deep, especially the last line, which was the kicker for me. I read it and I was like “well, damn.” Some readers may know exactly what it’s like, and identify with puttig up an act for so long that they’ve convinced themselves that their facade is their actual self (I worded that weirdly…). Hopefully you got my point there.

Excellent work. I can’t stress how much I appreciate the elegance your work had while not having to be a novel.

This is another type of storyline that I’m just a sucker for; when you can guess the ending but it still gets you on the edge of your seat, so to speak (I mentioned something similar for Still Waiting). The countdown at the end is a prime example of this. The dual-narration between the present and Max’s flashbacks was also pretty cool. I liked that.

The only thing was that I don’t feel that the song really matched the story. But again, from my mere subjective viewpoint, I have no idea what connection you, the author, could have made between the song and your story. And like mdk has said, (or I believe has said) you could have written a Greek tragedy based on the Burger King jingle. So I’m not really all that upset about this or anything.

But that’s besides the point. I actually really liked your story, so great job.

Oh, and this is random, but the story brought Snake and Sly Cooper to mind… Not exactly sure why. Maybe all the sneaking around. I dunno.

I think the song was very appropriate for this one. It just seemed to match the mood well.

Your use of white and black to describe the narrator’s current feelings (if that’s how you’d call it) was very clever, as well as relatable. I personally haven’t thought of things in terms of colors like that, but I completely understand what you’re trying to convey. 

Your writing style is intelligent and empathic, which made your story an enjoyable experience to read. I also found your ending to be beautiful, despite the rather dismal buildup. I especially liked the narrator’s answer to the woman’s question, which I too believe is reason enough to exist. 

To be honest, I had to read your story a couple times to get a good grasp on it, but that isn’t necessarily any fault of yours; I’m also easily distracted and have the reading level equivalent of a semi-literate high school freshman. But I found your story to be relatable and a very realistic representation of the general struggles that many people face on a daily basis. Great job!

Never heard of the song, but I like. It’s inspirational. I can see how you came up with your story. Actually, what you did was pretty cool, with the whole… well, it isn’t exactly time travel, but the narrator did end up altering the past.

I’d say you write in a way which is very easy to visualize, especially the dialogue. I could clearly see, in detail, the narrator screaming at the picture in frustration and anger, and her voice on the edge of cracking… Yes. Very, very good. I liked the happy ending with “Little Me” and “Big Me” both end up going their separate lives, happily and excitedly, to turn their life around!

I can tell from your writing and word choice that you’re a skilled writer. However… My first vibe was that you may have rushed the story a little bit. Not that that’s a terrible, fatal mistake or anything; a lot of us rushed. If you had the time to work it over and write in some scenes that you may have glossed over, I feel like your story would be a real thriller. Anyway, your story was already quite lengthy as is, so I can’t really bust on you for rushing since it’s much longer than my own entry was.

Rushing aside though, I really did like your story. I’m just going to pull out some quotes I found meaningful, either in a literary or personal sense…

“I become anxious every time I cross my limits.”
“It seems that every war leaves behind the seed of conflict. I think back and worry about Zack. I think to myself: in time, it matures into the fruit of sadness.”
“Everyone aims for the future they wish for…”

*pauses for a second to get over the fact that any English teacher would skin me alive for just pulling out quotes for not particular reason like I did but who cares lol*

Aheeeem… Anyway. Wow, I really need a filter. Okay, but to the review.

I actually did find quite a few of these little meaningful quotes sprinkled throughout your work. Maybe you didn’t mean for them to be like that, but I still liked it.

All in all, I thought it was an interesting twist to a war story, with a touch of themes dealing with maturity. Nice.

Ah yes, a short one. Bless your heart.

What an… interesting title for a song. But whatever!

The rhyming was nice and, oh what’s the word I’m looking for? Resonating? Something like that, yes.  Like Dark Wind said, I also am having a little trouble finding a deep meaning, but I’m sure it’s there. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. I guess what confused me were lines like “Five dollar feuds” and “And now I can do is stall.” They just seem a little… misplaced to me.

But that doesn’t mean it’s bad! I mean, I’ve read plenty of acclaimed works of poetry and think “wtf does this stupid stuff mean how is this even popular”. So the fact that I don’t completely understand isn’t exactly a red flag. I’d say you did a good job with the time you had and it was a nice, quick read. :)

The title allured me a little. It’s short but it was like… Come, read me if you dare.

Oh, what a cool song choice! Never knew the name of it though. Good to know!

“The coat of arms that coat our arms”
*swoons*
I dunno, I really liked that.

Oh, wow.

Hmm…

Interesting. Wow, very interesting indeed.

You know, I really enjoyed this. I thought at first that the song wasn’t very fitting but, in a weird and ironic and inexplicable kind of way, it does… I can’t describe it. 

The imagery was just… Whew! Powerful! Boom, bam! It was so serious yet light and ugh, you just made it work so well! Damn!

Very, very, very creative and interesting. If this review seems short it’s because I’m literally at a loss for words and don’t want to spoil anything by saying something dumb about it. Just, yes. Yes to it all. Good job.

*deep breath and sip of water*

I’m going to stop here momentarily. I feel like I am just mutilating these reviews. I’ll try to work on some more tomorrow and will inform you all if I edit any reviews already written.

Bleh. My reviews aren't graceful at all.
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Blazing Boy

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