ChillHybrid39

What am I doing..??? [Vent RP] (CW)

WARNING:

The RP you are about to open up has very heavy themes alongside key themes that are extremely important story-wise. The troubling themes in particular are the following:

Depression
Self-hatred
Suicide-adjacent thoughts
Self-harm
Impostor syndrome
Identity issues
Anxiety
Existential dread

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

It's spring break. A fun time, is what it's supposed to be. And it is. For most people at least. For Muse A, it's painful.
Tinge. That's what he liked to go by online, and with friends. His real name was Christopher. He only ever used that name in day to day and business scenarios. You knew him for a while, but only recently got close. He was always the quiet, serious kid in the class. Never took any pokes at or jokes made of him at all, and barely ever talked in class. He was constantly on his phone as well, even if some teachers got mad at him for it.

At first, it seemed like he lived up to the cold, careless exterior, but you pushed through that. It took time, but... he showed his core self. His antics, his silly ideas, his inner struggles, all of it. He even showed you his family eventually. It was nice.

But then an accident happened.
A prank gone too far.

He told you he was going to be at the mag-train. The usual line he liked to use for exploring the city. Maybe he'd take you to the cafe he frequented all the time.

But as you made it to the station, he's pushed out onto the track. just as the train's come in.

Time seemed to slow, at that time. everything clear for a split-second.

Then chaos. Cameras flashing and recording, emergency lights all over.

He was... intact, but... didn't have a lot. You meet every day you can. Chat over the usual platform. Draw for each other. But it's tinted bleak. it just gets worse as days go by with nothing to help him keep going further. He has more breakdowns, draws darker portrayals of himself... and on top of it all, he could only listen to the others in the ward as they cry and lament when bedtime rolled around every day.

He's tuned them out for a while. It's only made him feel worse. His eyes are red from crying, the streaks still visible long after, his mouth dry as the voices of the staff. He outgrew hope for living as long as the rest long ago. He's a shipwreck, drifting off into the vast sea, waiting to slowly sink into the depths of the deep blue, however long it'll take.

But then...

"Good evening there! How're you doin' today?"

He jumps at the volume of the voice, and it wasn't the sudden appearance that startled him as much.

It was her voice of hope. Hardly appropriate given his state.

She introduced herself as Doctor Shelley, but prefers Mary. She started talking with him, and reached for the questions that stick with him best almost right away.

"Ever noticed how little of ourselves is decided by ourselves? Our gender, body, name... even our personalities are warped by the way we're raised and by who, all without us getting much of a say in. We're born with it all, and stuck with it until we... well..."

"If you could start again, and you could choose EVERYTHING about yourself, name, gender, all that... would you stay the same, or change to be something completely different?"

Tinge questions it, and eventually Mary shows synthetics, and explains that they're meant for yuman minds, and offers the chance for him to be put into one. Tinge eventually strikes back, saying that a kid in his state would be more worth it, and that life is unfair. But then, Mary looks at him, almost malevolently...

"Life is fucking unfair, isn't it? Go on, you're right to say it. It's true! Nobody will admit it, but it's true! You work, and work, and all for WHAT?! For life to throw you to the floor and call you her plaything, piling her gigantic footpaw of problems onto you and amping up the pressure until you eventually get crushed like a building under a giant's foot!"

"What DID we do? What is life punishing us for? For just existing?! For daring to press on despite all odds?! Doesn't that make your blood BOIL?! All those years of studying, working, and trying to live a meaningful life and THIS is how the universe repays you?! With a TRAIN ACCIDENT?!"

"We never chose to be born! Not in this world, not with this body, not with these circumstances! And yet here. we. are. Because life never cared. And even if we ENJOY this, we live in fear of the day it will end. A miserable experience, spent hiding from the whims of fate. Don't you want AGENCY like I do? To be able to LIVE your OWN life, to choose what you wanna do without things like gender or age in the way, for the power to choose if and when this all ends?!"

"Y'know what I wanna do? I wanna take my paws and beat up all those powers above to a pulp! To show the world we don't have to play by life's rules! And I KNOW you want the same. And that's why I'm here... because YOU WANTED me here. You try to deny it by pulling others into this, but we BOTH know that's what you REALLY want! You don't want this chance to be stolen. No... you wanna TAKE IT. You wanna rebel against life JSUT LIKE ME. You're just waiting for someone to permit you... Well here I am! I want you to claim what is rightfully YOURS!~"

"I'm giving you our only bullet, our only shot at immortality, and it falls on YOU to make it count. If you wanna be there when it happens, then all YOU have to do... is sign."

The rest of his memories before his transition are a blur. The more he tried to remember, the more pieces escaped his grasp.

In his mind, what should have been a simple sequence of events and actions...

"I'm gonna die either way, what difference does it make?!"

The dates...

"I swear Tinge, don't do this to me!"

The places...

"Ignore the crowd, just try to rest and we'll take care of them."

The people...

"Bad news. The damage is progressing way faster than we thought, we need you prepared, STAT..."

It's all now an amalgam of meaninglessness.

But now, it's time he pieced together his life and found out what happened when he left his family on that fateful afternoon.
From his family declaring him dead, to reuniting with old friends...
From dealing with the FBI, to helping to get the synthetic project ready by new years...

He's got to figure out if he's still really himself while dealing with the world around him, so he can figure out who he is, and what to do with his life.

Mike, put out a roleplay request!

MORE stuff

Ditched from the Pack

bump

Mike, extend my request reach!

bumping this to spread out again

Mike, put out a roleplay request!

a simple bump

Mike, spread out my interest check!

here we are again. just bumping

Ditched from the Pack

I wouldn't be against doing this. Would you wanna play A or B?

@bleedonme

Playing A.

Ditched from the Pack

anyone at all?

Ditched from the Pack

Reupping

Ditched from the Pack

CONTENT WARNING

This roleplay request has elements of depression, self-deprication, and mental self-harm / Self-harm thoughts, as well as more themes I may have missed.
PLEASE LEAVE IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THESE THEMES AS THEY ARE A CORE COMPONENT.

with that, let's get onto the key part.

Main Story keys

Muse A is a shattered soul, not doing well in school despite having been awarded the gold presidential award of education in elementary, and they're having to put up with a toxic father as a result of how bad they crashed, escaping reality with games and online entertainment, and saying toxic statements when they don't mean them at heart, barely functioning emotionally and ready to crumble. Muse B is their saving grace, has always come through for them without fail. Picking Muse A up in the middle of the night when they call them, too short on cash for a ride home. Muse B only does this because they are a good person at heart and they have a soft spot for Muse A. They are very close, but can't deny that Muse A's habits disgust them though. As far as Muse B is aware, Muse A has had a fine life, well off family, never needed to want for anything. Believes they act like this simply because they can, not because they're suffering. However, they've known each other for too long for Muse B to just walk away, and Muse B had promised they would never let Muse A down. Muse B knows they are probably the only stable thing in Muse A's life if they keep coming back to them so much. So it's become a routine, Muse A texting or calling when something goes wrong, and Muse B coming to the rescue. There's not much friendship left these days. Lately, it seems Muse A barely acknowledges Muse B, and Muse B has just settled and accepted that they're being used. Yet they still can't bare to leave Muse A alone, knowing they wouldn't make it on their own without them.

Little does Muse B know, Muse A is actually in a great deal of emotional pain. They have to hide their home life from everyone to avoid having a problem with their family, and their ADHD, autism, and depression cause them to have a lack of time management, work ethic, and self-reliability. They're desperately trying to drown these problems with every activity they can find, both on the outside and the inside. Music, videogames, roleplaying, ANYTHING to numb the agony they were in. The longer it goes on, the more scared of the world they once found wondrous they become, and the more their broken heart breaks into smaller pieces. Muse A never intended for things to go so poorly, to always have to rely on Muse B, but they have no one else in person to trust. Muse A has always loved Muse B, but knows they're no good for them. Could never bring themselves to drag them down further than they already have by putting the burden of their feelings on them.

One night, when Muse A is too far gone to function, they call Muse B just like they always do to come save them. This time, as Muse B takes them to bed, Muse A breaks down. Crying about how sorry they are. They don't blame Muse B if they hate them, that Muse B should just let them go, let whatever consequences they've built up to come to them. That they just wanted to forget their misery, not bring Muse B down with them. Muse B is left stunned and with a choice, take the opportunity to relieve themselves of the responsibility of Muse A forever and walk away, or help A piece themselves back together again, just like they always have before.