There's more, but I can't say it's really improved... what you added just added more issues and complications and honestly feels really tried and overdone without any real justification for it. You didn't really change anything, just kind of shoe horned a couple suggestions in without really taking what we were saying to heart.
Still the same whole tragic childhood origin story where the Conclave is basically giving a 13 year old kid the equivilant of a death sentence, even though as I've said more than a couple times that quarians can't afford to casually discard their population, especially when it wasn't a huge crime. We still don't have any justification of how or why a 13 year old knows how to fly a ship, and I've seen enough character sheets to know that if a child's capable of doing something that takes years of training, you're not in for anything good. So yeah, it still has the same issues as before.
So the kid gets the boot and moseys around the galaxy and ends up on one of the most dangerous shitholes in the galaxy without any training whatsoever; quarians going to Omega isn't exactly the most common choice, but at least they had the pilgrimage training. This is like taking some American kid from an impoverished neighbourhood and him finding his way to Kandahar. Once there, he somehow joins up with the Blue Suns, who pride themselves on their professionalism and standards, and they somehow think a young kid from a pariah race is somehow a good bet for recruitment and trust him with their lives on an assault. Also, just because they lost members doesn't mean they're going to plug them with whoever just happened to be on the street. Real life private military contractors like Blackwater hire almost exclusively military vets and former special forces for a reason. The Blue Suns are the same way.
And then suddenly, the kid's a sharpshooter who has a blood lust. It's kind of an over-simplified way for someone to look at killing, don't you think? He went from being a snotty kid to a stone-cold, steady handed killer in the length of half a paragraph. This... doesn't bode well.
The second I saw that he was partnered with a batarian, I saw his twist betrayal coming from a mile away. It's so easy to use batarians as the stock "bad guy" race that I'm honestly shocked whenever I see them portrayed in a decent light on this site. And if I had a dollar for every time I saw the whole "betrayed for no apparent reason" trope, I'd be able to buy myself a nice Rolex. Seriously, why the heck would the Blue Suns go through all this time and effort to hire on this pariah kid with no military training or maturity, trust them with top of the line equipment and hardware, as well as with their lives and deployments, just to go through this elaborate effort to set of this "fake" assassination contract? Like, who is this guy that he killed? Why did he kill him? Why was he immediately betrayed and set into a jail? Really, none of it adds of, and it only seems to exist to be cheap drama.
And HOW the heck did he escape from jail after three months? People just don't waltz out of maximum security prison, and I can promise you a prison would be NOWHERE near a spaceport where a runaway convict could somehow get past security and stow away on a ship (once again, a REALLY big stretch). So now this kid, who somehow learned how to be a jail breaker during his few months with this PMC company that hired him on and betrayed him for reasons unknown, is headed to a Citadel Space homeworld on a planet that's notorious for having a fairly reclusive and xenophobic society on a planet that's 90% ocean cover that supports levo-amino acid based organisms instead of dextro-amino acid organisms like quarians, so what's he going to eat? Even non-purified turian food can make him horribly sick, so his options are exceedingly limited and starvation and dehydration is looking miiiighty likely at this point.
Oh, and somehow he can recognize a smuggling vessel that somehow managed to clear Kahje customs.. and wait, what?! He just somehow knew where to find an armoury and break into it to steal what should be VERY secured firearms? Nobody noticed? No security footage picked it up? How the heck did he manage to break into it in the first place and make it past armed guards when, as I mentioned, he should be starving (space travel can still take several weeks, by the way. FTL travel is only so fast, and Mass Effect relays only propel you to certain systems), a suit rupture will be fatal for him, so even if he's not killed on sight, he's risking a slow, painful death by taking a stupid, pointless risk.
Also, assuming he manages to procure those weapons, how the heck is he going to get back into a spaceport, which once again has high security like any airport you've ever seen while being a race that's routinely pulled aside and "questioned" because everyone thinks quarians are thieves and rats, while carrying two weapons that you can't exactly conceal and would show up on scanners the second they tried to pass through.
Oh, and he somehow stole this ship he somehow eyeballed as a smuggling ship right off the bat. Terrific.
I hate to be harsh, man, but I really don't think this is the right game for you.
Nyxella
TokyoPewPew
Tlaloc