EliteCommander

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Meesei easily lost herself in the moment. Intimacy itself was nothing new between them, but she had not woken up next to a lover since she was an apprentice Treeminder in Black Marsh. And with Lunise, she felt more loved than she had with any partner from her past. To Meesei, it was just a taste of what their life together could be like some time in the far future, when they no longer had to fear for their secrecy. For her, it was a goal that could certainly serve as motivation, though it also carried a certain pain with it. Once these few days had passed, they would have to go back to keeping their secrets.

"Yes...definitely." Meesei finally answered. It took considerable effort for her to will herself to move, but she did eventually pull away, throwing off the blanket covering her and partially sitting up on the bed. For just a few more seconds, she cast her gaze back down to Lunise, smiling and seemingly admiring her. However, the peace she felt in the morning was, unfortunately, short-lived. All it took was for her mind to wander, for her to think about the Psijics hosting them, for their conversation about her soul to creep back into her mind. When she looked away, all of that weight fell visibly back onto her. She hunched forward somewhat, pulling her legs up to her chest, staring at the door, and dreading the day ahead.

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

It was fortunate for Lunise and Meesei alike that she no longer experienced the frequent night terrors that were so common to lycanthropes. The influence of Hircine's Ring kept Meesei's beast spirit in check, and allowed her to get through the night without making it even more difficult for Lunise to sleep. Even still, given the stresses that Meesei was now faced with, it was a small miracle that she was able to sleep through the night at all, nightmares or no. It had taken her longer than usual to get to sleep, though she did finally rest well once she was.

Although Meesei was not as many years removed from such intimacy as Lunise, she still found herself briefly surprised when she finally did come back to consciousness. She was awakened slowly by Lunise's hand running through her feathers, and it took a few seconds for her to open her eyes and come to her senses enough to recognize what was disturbing them. There was a certain comfort to having Lunise's face be the first sight she witnessed when she awoke. It was a new feeling, and one that drove her to tighten her arms around Lunise and pull them even closer together. She gave in quickly to her urge to draw in Lunise for a deep kiss. The whole situation might have been perfectly romantic, were it not for the inconvenient fact that Meesei's breath was not entirely pleasant in the morning.

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

While Lunise's question now was far more simple than any of the revelations she had to contend with in the past half hour, she still had almost as difficult of a time answering. "I am not sure, honestly. I suppose Master Marcaano and Zyausak will be back here soon, and I know your mother wanted to spend some more time with us both, but...I do not know if I am ready for that right now. I do not think I could focus on anything else, or just pretend I am okay. I really feel that I just want to be able to rest and think. I believe I just want to stay in here for a while, and I would welcome having you with me, if you want to stay too. Although...I do think you should still spend some time with your mother when she is ready. You deserve some time alone to catch up with her, and that is why we came here, after all. I am sure she will understand if I am not feeling sociable right now."

---

True to her word, Meesei was not keen on leaving the room for much of the rest of the day. She still remained polite and friendly when Zyausak and Marcaano returned with their clothing and supplies, but for the moment, did not take Zyausak up on any offer to show them the island. There was a short time near the end of the day that she left their quarters to watch the sunset by the shore, though even to Lunise, she was not yet ready to open up about how her feelings had developed.

The night was peaceful on Artaeum, if not somewhat quiet compared to home for Meesei. In as crowded of a place as the Silent City, its name did not feel too appropriate. It was rare that there was not someone up and about through the night, not to mention the constant sounds of Dwemer machinery that served as a constant background noise in the city, especially closer to the ground level. Although, for Lunise, the sound-dampening enchantments that had been applied to her room meant that a quiet night was nothing new.

What would be a new experience for Lunise, however, was waking up in a bed alongside Meesei. In all the time they had been together, they had never actually shared a bed through a whole night. Given the secrecy they had to observe with their relationship, there was always some worry about what could happen if they were both sleeping at the same time, in the same place. Neither of them would be conscious to deal with any unexpected intrusions, so it was always safer for them to go their separate ways before retiring for the night. Now was the first time that they had no reason to fear discovery. The Psijic Order was already well-aware of the relationship between them, and they certainly would not be sharing that information with Lunise's superiors. Now was the first time since they had been together that they had the freedom to show their affection openly, and the first time that Lunise had woken up in Meesei's still-sleeping arms.

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

You mind if I bring them to the next day?

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Lunise's effort to drag Meesei out of her deepening depression was met with a long silence, though in this case, that was not necessarily a bad thing. She was not merely sobbing into her hands, but rather, staring ahead, contemplating every word that Lunise spoke. Minutes passed, though it may as well have been hours for Meesei.

Finally, Meesei stood from her chair and immediately embraced Lunise. Although she was obviously still seeking comfort from Lunise, she was at least no longer overtly degrading her own accomplishments and self-worth. "I just...still do not know, Lunise. Part of me still feel like this all cannot be real, yet...another part of me knows that it is. If there is any group that could know these things about me, it would be the Psijic Order, and I do not think your mother would lie to you. I just...I need time to think. Time to process. Maybe I am more than just a collection of ancient memories stitched together, or maybe I am still destined to just fade from existence. Maybe I just need to rest and let the ideas come to me.

Meesei lowed her gaze away from Lunise's eyes and let out a sigh. "I feel like I am going to drive myself to panic if I keep thinking about...nonexistence. The thought of becoming as if I had never existed at all, honestly, is the most frightening feeling I have ever experienced in my life."

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Even when Lunise took a hold of one of her hands, Meesei did not lift up her gaze. "I just...do not know. I feel like everything I once thought I knew about myself is wrong, or could be wrong. And even if I do deserve the afterlife I was promised...does that even matter? Do I even have a choice but to accept my destruction?"

Meesei finally lifted up her head and looked around the room, her gaze particularly lingering on the carvings in the stonework. "You said your mother wanted me to join the Psijic Order? On any other day, I might have been elated at the very thought, but...I do know what it means to join the order. That at least implies there could exist a way to fix my soul, but could she even really know that for certain? Has anyone like me ever existed before? Or is it just guesses that could steal away my life for no benefit? I suppose this is really why they are allowing us to stay here a few days: to give me my time to think. I do agree with you, the thought of abandoning my life feel inconceivable, but..."

Any hint of Meesei's usual confidence seemed to have been thoroughly erased from Meesei's demeanor. At the moment, she was doubting herself and her own abilities in a way that Lunise had never seen from her since the day they met. Even when she had doubts about the future or the safety of those she cared for, about which she had certainly confided to Lunise in the past, her confidence had remained. Only now was she starting to seem truly and completely demoralized. "...if my power, all my growth and progress over the years, has really been nothing but memories I had to be reminded of, then what hope do I have of actually solving a new problem?"

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Lunise's calm and compassion did, at the very least, serve to help calm Meesei noticeably. She no longer looked as if she was on the verge of destroying the room, but it did not remove the pain from her expression. Her tears had never ceased, but her voice was becoming more steady. "I can...perhaps accept that. Accept that my soul is who I am, and that I have not changed. But...that does not make me deserving."

Meesei closed her eyes, looking away. "I have always believed in strength through dedication. Through practice and determination, anyone could rise above the complacent. Time and time again, I defended my position against challengers with 'better' training, or centuries more experience. Just being born with talent could not match the strength of a determined effort. I was the best because I made myself the best, except...that is all a lie. I was the best because I was granted an advantage from my hatching that they could not hope to match. My beliefs are just lies, and I am a fraud. Perhaps that is why I deserve this? I did not earn the afterlife I was promised. Perhaps just fulfilling my appointed purpose, then letting my spirit die is what I actually do deserve?"

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Meesei stared down at her open hands, a visible magical charge surging through them. This time, she did not even seem to react to Lunise's touch. "I feel like everything is a lie. Like I am a lie."

Once more, Meesei clenched her fists and bared her teeth in pain just as much as anger. The idea that she may not ever see the afterlife she had been promised struck her just as hard as Lunise had likely expected, but for Meesei, there was something else in the revelation that assaulted her very idea of who she was.

"If this is really true, then what am I but a fraud? Determination, talent, skill, I have none of them. I did not earn the title of Champion, I was created for it. My knowledge, my magic, just...handed down from the divine to their disposable tool. All the years I have worked and toiled for understanding...and now I know I would have learned naught but a fraction of it without the patchwork abomination I call a soul!" Meesei practically growled, slamming her fist down onto the table. "If I could not do it without a divine 'template', then I deserve nothing. I am nothing."

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

Meesei was quite clearly overwhelmed. She had hardly even begun to accept the notion that her soul could be unstable, much less actually give any thought to the solutions that Lunise was proposing. "But how could they even know? With scrying? How could they possibly be able to see into my very soul to even be able to make such a theory? It just...cannot be. My dedication, my loyalty, it could not all be punished so severely. My devotion has to be rewarded in the end. I do not...I...I..."

For a few, long moments, Meesei was silent, finally allowing her eyes to meet Lunise's directly once more. Although there was only silence between them, Lunise's stare pierced into her like a dagger through her heart, forcing her to acknowledge what she so desperately wanted to deny "...I believe you."

All at once, Meesei started to feel lightheaded. Though, she did at least still have the presence of mind, to allow herself to fall into a chair, rather than onto the ground. "But why? Why do I deserve this?" She said, burying her face into her hands. Even at her worst, Meesei had never broken down quite so completely as this.

Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

As Lunise might have expected, Meesei was at a loss for words for a short time. She took a step back, staring straight ahead, though not looking at anything in particular as her mind tried to come to terms with the reality that Lunise was proposing. "No, that does not sound...possible. I, well, I suppose the Hist could do such a thing, possibly, but I could not see them going through with that. Forging an unstable soul, that is...inconceivable. Inhumane. There has to be a mistake."

Meesei's hand clenched into a fist, her tears now stemming from a different source. Her voice was constricted to the point that she seemed like she could hardly speak at all. "It is wrong. It has to be wrong. Your mother, whoever came up with that theory, made a mistake. My soul is not some kind of patchwork abomination. I earned my power. I worked for it, trained, studied, and became powerful on my own merits. My success was not just...handed to me."