Gwynbleidd

The Wolves of Red Lake: Season One ((Main Cast Currently Recruiting Secondary Cast Open aswell!))

Death scenes, oh the drama here it comes. Working on a post finally.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Done!

Adversity

10/10. I'm not 100% sure you've had enough nice things said about this yet, even though there's a bunch, so let's see..... You crushed the perspective on this, especially Terra's italicized parts. The story was obviously always going to go a certain way, given the challenge, but it felt amazingly credible anyway -- this isn't just a challenge piece, it's a real story, and a great one. You've got this thing down.

And because you're doing so great, I'd like to share some ideas about style choice. These aren't 'corrections' and shouldn't be treated as such -- you don't need those from me. My red pen is on the shelf. This is blue-pen stuff. Let's start with a big-picture idea.... You're splicing in a narrative with a homework assignment in (what feels like) a very cinematic style. The italics sound like voice-over framing device sort of things -- "This is why I'm telling the story, and this is where I am when it's over." That works, and there's no need to change a thing. You might have considered telling the whole thing in Terra's perspective -- because Terra's perspective is strong enough to handle it. What I mean is, instead of breaking into third-person narratives, potentially just write the whole story in english-paper format, as she remembers it, as she feels about it, all in her mind. It would be a very different story if you'd done it that way -- instead of detailing the events, you'd be much more focused on the emotional impact. So the thing to think about is, which do you prefer? The events are tragic and interesting enough to justify the third-person narrative, but the emotional devastation is valuable too. There's plenty of other ways you could've approached it too, like, maybe she's been called in to the teacher's office over her bad paper and they're having a conversation about the assignment -- that would open the door to emphasize the disconnect from other people. Basically what I'm driving at is, you're at a level right now where the structure of your story is a conscious choice that impacts the meaning, and there's lots of ways to take advantage of that.

Next a brief thought on sentence structure -- again, nothing wrong with how you're doing it. I mean technically grammatically fragments are taboo, but screw grammar. Fragments are cool, when they're useful. My personal feeling is, periodically, you probably should've tended towards run-ons instead. I'm really thinking of just one part near the top:

<Snipped quote>

I can't say I know much about dancing or women, but dammit, I KNOW PERIODS. ... That came out wrong. Lemme re-punctuate that real quick:

<Snipped quote>

Why have I done that? Simple: we're dancing around the sentence, graceful and fluid, twirling from one image to the next with the flow of a ballerina's dance. This is the part where you can break rules to send your message better, and the message is flowing -- so why not let the sentences flow too?

EDIT: One more thing. This one, I'm tempted to reach for the red pen. In the shooting scene, there's a very sudden transition from Kaelyn's to Harris's perspective. I sorta picture this scene through a camera lens, and if I was directing a movie, at that moment there'd be a long, slow camera pan to Harris, to put the viewers into HIS head instead of hers. It doesn't really do that here...... Not to say you CAN'T do that in writing ever, but like, Idunno. It jumped out at me a little while I was reading and felt out-of-place. Whether that's a problem or not, as well as how/if it needs to be fixed, I mean, your thoughts are as good as mine. But I thought I'd call attention to it anyway.

That's it, that's all I got. OH -- I like the way you write dialogue. We don't need any he-said-she-saids in there and you were wise to leave them out. Okay, THAT is all I've got. Great job.

EDIT: I lied, I had one more thing, adding it now

@mdk

Thanks so much! Really appreciate not only the compliments, but the constructive things you've had to say.

Honestly, to start off I knew that the death scene was going to happen. Everyone does because that's the nature of the whole first labor. So, I figured to get the best out of it (and as a rule of writing it's the best way to get results) was to create characters that felt real and relatable. Luckily the characters were ones I cared about so that was easy! Somewhat.

Hah, I'm glad you said cinematic with regards to Terra's voice on her paper. That's EXACTLY what I was going for. A voice over style. I'm trying to become a screenwriter so I was familiar with the use of voice overs in scripts. And, I wanted to experiment with the prompt for an English class. The explanation is that in RPGC#1 I had the "letter from heaven" (For Blue Skies) entry. In that I was experimenting with that element of story telling and tried to play around with it. This time I wanted to build on it and create a longer, more fleshed out story with it. At the same time, I didn't want it to be solely focused with Terra's re-telling of events the entire way through. I feared that could become too… tell rather than show. But I was interested in possibly writing it that way because hey, if it's a prompt then she's going to be telling and it can be forgiven as long as I put in some images that the readers can visualize for themselves.

So, I opted for what I did because Kaelyn's character is far too much fun to write when she's interacting with other people. I definitely agree with the other options you've put out (and they're really good ones I might add). I think it could have been better if it was focused on Terra's perspective being called into the office as you suggested, or doing it from Kaelyn's perspective and sticking with it from that line and following through. I simply stuck with what I chose because mainly I wanted to experiment with my writing.

Lol… Periods. Nice. Good catch though, your re-structuring of that part is better. Thanks for the input. I LOVE the sentence frag, so you'll probably find it in a lot of the stories I write.

Ah, the Harris perspective shift. That's definitely one of the spots in the death scene I felt could have been smoother. Perhaps a description of Kaelyn watching the events might have been a place to start. I'll have to look it over and think of different ways to attack that part.

Thanks for your thoughts, they were very helpful!

The Wolves of Red Lake: Season One ((Main Cast Currently Recruiting Secondary Cast Open aswell!))

I STILL EXIST! Sorry lol. Finals have ended. I am here.

RPGC #2 -- POWER

Wait. There is a character count limitation?

EDIT:

OH! The PM limit. Never mind everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.

Except me still thinking about what to write.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Ah! Well there we go. Lol, cool. Question answered.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

And there you have it. A few posts up I have edited one post and included my reviews! As to some of the reviews given, I'll address them here.

@RomanAria Wow. I wasn't expecting a perfect score or anything like that. Thank you so much for the glowing review. It's nice to know that someone likes my work so much or that I got you to cry. I write for me and to draw out emotions from other people so hearing about a reaction like that makes me very happy. You're far too kind, haha. I did put a lot of thought into reactions and how things would play out. I only wish I had a bit more time I could put into the actual death scene that I was able to put into the character relationships from the beginning. But again, thank you so much!

@PlatinumSkink Lol, well. At least you really enjoyed the beginning aspect of the work. I probably had the most fun working on the interactions between Kaelyn, Landon, and Terra. Kaelyn is definitely a favorite character of mine. Sassy, sarcastic, trouble-making teen with a troubled past who grew up to start trusting people again. The early writing of her was definitely a bit melodramatic, but at the heart of her character I just loved the way she interacted with others.

As for the death scene. I don't necessarily disagree with you. Scripted, maybe. I didn't feel like I got the death scene down as much as I wanted to. But I did give a lot of thought to how she would react and I don't know. I felt that went down mostly the way I wanted it to. Death being random and unfair at times. Definitely some details I wanted to include in the ending. I also have problems with death scenes. I try to find the perfect balance between dialogue and description because I feel like too much dialogue doesn't come off as genuine and real to me. One day I shall succeed in the balance!

The change of the essay length was on purpose. Was trying to balance out description and "less is more". On top of that, I was also running out of time. Not for the time to hand in the entry, but I was also heading to a party that night so I had to finish that more quick than I wanted to. That might explain certain things. Anyway, that's what I've got to say on that.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao Predictions

Wasn't rigged. I've seen the fight in its full. Watched the Mayweather "hugs and clinches" and his "running around." Both of which have been massively over talked about. Why? Because everyone wanted Manny to win. There is a huge bias against Mayweather, understandably so. But watching the fight, Mayweather won. It was unanimous and clear that Floyd is the better boxer. I'd hope for a September rematch but I ain't paying any money to watch it because I know how Mayweather fights. For the casual fan it's boring. But for those who know boxing, it's damn beautiful.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

As an update, I have now officially read every single entry. The start of reviews should come tomorrow when my brain is not fried. And well, exhausted from all the brutal and wonderfully bad ends for everyone involved.

EDIT: I'll be placing the reviews here.

I haven't officially written any reviews as of yet. But, I am starting as of this moment. Probably won't be in order. I'll just let you know. Okay. Cool.

REVIEW CHECKLIST: (Green means it has been reviewed)
ALL WORKS HAVE BEEN REVIEWED

The Death of Damian

From what has been said already, I'd have to say I agree. Generally speaking, that is. This is a post-apocalyptic death scene with zombies that I'd expect. How it should be, anyway. But, I can see how it didn't make it within the test parameters because it came off as too much of an attempt for a heroic death. Honestly, I was hoping the grenade would be a dud. That would make the ending so much worse for Damian. Too fast, too short. The action was solid. I can definitely see you writing some high quality action packed stories one day in the future. The potential is there and now you have to work on it. I only get the bare bones of what Damian might be like. I'm not invested in his friends getting killed behind him because I don't know them. I suppose that's not necessarily an utmost needed aspect for the prompt. HOWEVER, it's meant to be the death scene of your favorite character. It might have a lot of impact FOR YOU, but I needed it to have an impact for ME and the other readers.

The Death of Nicholas Santos

Awkward sentence structure. Hey, happens to me plenty of times. It still does. Proofreading is key. And experience. Keep writing and one day you will find that the quality of your material consistently gets better. It happens, trust me. It's also a really AWESOME feeling! Ahem, anyway, back to the actual critique.

Terminal has already addressed your sentence structure, as has mdk and everyone else really. I'll take the quote from Terminal's review.

Before he could put the glasses on, however, Daishuryou blasted a bolt of green lightning at the glasses, breaking them.

Perhaps something like: "Nicholas tried to put the glasses on but Daishuryou shattered them with a blast of green lightning." Just think about the ways you can make things more active and direct in terms of phrasing. That way you will avoid awkward and passive phrasing. In a fight, don't be passive.

But overall, you definitely passed. I like that Nicholas has a lot of pride. Sometimes you drift into telling us about his hubris. But you also showed it to us and that's always a good thing. Work on the phrasing of your battle sequences so they aren't dry. Consequences, stakes, character, dialogue, etc. Take into account all these things going in. Also, any reason for the "green" lightning specifically? I don't want to drift into the "blue curtain" argument, but I tend to think about every little thing when I write. Not that green has to MEAN anything like the state of mankind's soul lmao. It could just be that color due to their power or w/e. Or you don't have to address it at all. It's one of those questions I have and I'm interested by the answer.

Good start. Keep working. Edit. Colorful word choices in fights: USE THEM. Start using a thesaurus if you need to. I always recommend that.

The Early Demise of Benjamin Wilkins

I'm a fan of everything and would write anything (except for maybe Black Comedy) but I do love me some slice of slide. So you're in my neighborhood here. And, well, I dug it. I'll start at the ending. The death. Well done. I didn't quite see that one coming as you had me on my toes with all the moments I thought the death was going to happen. You lead up to it pretty well. Ben came off as a likable guy so I didn't want him to be killed in such an unfair manner. Definitely undeserved!

I agree with StuckInTheRiddle on their review. The aftermath wasn't needed. Hey, it would have been super powerful. Ben's casket being lowered into the ground is a strong image, the lowering of a casket is always a strong and emotional image. But, we didn't really get to know the people he loved in his life or the people who loved him. So, that element is lost on us. "He died." or something like that would suffice perfectly. We'd get the idea that it ended abruptly. Unfair and cruel. Not that the ending was bad at all. It wasn't. Personal tastes really.

What did I not like with this piece? Hey, I loved your imagery. A snow-covered landscape is one of my favorites to work with. The element of cold is a nice touch. However, watch out for how often you use the word "snow" or "snow covered" etc. It can get repetitive and bother the reader. I know it did for me. I became tired of reading about the snow. Get creative with it! And we already know that it's snowy so perhaps focus on another important detail, or just any other detail to capture the essence of the scene.

Perfect example?

After a few turns, Ben reached a road fully covered with snow once more. The tracks indicated cars had already passed here, but only a couple. He ploughed through the fresh snow once more,

Right there. I don't need you to tell me that he reached another road covered in snow. I know he will. Trust your readers. Don't reiterate the same thing constantly. Also I bolded the "once more" aspect as well. Watch out for those repetitive phrases. They hinder your work. But, all in all, you did well here. I enjoyed reading this quite a bit.

The Death of the Tumbleweed

I won't be beating a dead horse here and talk about the showing rather than telling issue you've already received from Terminal on that review. You already seem to know that you needed to have a longer entry and forget about the out of place backstory and focus on the actual story.

So… I'll just look at the actual entry. Even though it was short, I can say this. I love your voice. The writing and the descriptions are beautiful. Terrible, fiery, destructive and full of horrible death BUT beautiful in the way you captured it. I could feel the agony and the heat. The unwanted end was inherent in the writing. Since it comes from a novel, I can tell you know your characters very well. I could see Anne even though she was dead. That's some talent there mdk.

It's just a shame for me and the other readers that we were dropped in here not really knowing Mary. Not knowing Anne or any of the other side characters. No descriptions or actions to give us some context of who they are. And that was the crux of the problem. Nothing more I can say than that. You're a skilled writer so I can't wait to see more.

Personally I'd love to read that friggin' book. It sounds awesome.

The Forgotten Death of Peter

Line breaks would have been nice here and there. And Terminal already hit it on the topic of describing Peter's pain in a way that really captures his anguish. Sometimes it felt too tame. Working on connecting the dialogue to the descriptions would benefit this story.

But, I definitely loved the incoherence of it all. Drifting from thoughts of Aery and his friends back to the situation at hand.

You didn't need The Master. Context is important there without a doubt. Killing The Master has no real impact on the story if I don't know who he is or why he is important.

Back to the good things, which there are quite a few. Very nice entry. Splitting between Aery and Peter was an excellent choice. When she dies, you basically killed Peter already. His death afterwards is a second death. Failing her twice. That's goddamn awful and I feel you captured that very well with your writing. Solid job. Depressing too. God these reviews are going to exhaust me as much as the actual reading!

Another note is that you describe in the death scene, Peter's memories of all his friends. Their eye colors and associated characteristics. Ehhh, I didn't really feel that. I don't even know if you needed them. The relationship between Peter and Aery was more than enough. The descriptions of his friends felt unneeded and rushed. I didn't get to know them, and I don't know them. It didn't make me feel anything extra for Peter and his death or their deaths. Stick with Peter and Aery. That had more impact and was much more interesting and REAL on a human level.

The Death of the Watchman

Was intensely wondering about the title. 'Watchman' is a cool nickname for a hero. Why is he called that? I feel, as has been noted already, that important context is missing from this piece. He drove the legend forward, but how? I didn't get to see his efforts. I only saw his untimely and unfortunate death. I didn't know who Helline was. Nor the maiden except that she clearly loved Jack. Greg Broughton is introduced by name in italics as though he is a major player. And he is because he is bringing down the legend for good. But, I didn't get the "this guy means business" feeling from a villain that I want.

I know that Jack only cares for the woman who is sobbing. Helline? Or the maiden? Are they different people? I was slightly confused by that. I also assume Galen is related to Greg? Unless I'm reading a whole bunch of sentences wrong (might be something for you to take a look at as well for editing).

Your descriptions give me the ability to see everything happening, so good job there. It feels like a scene of good story or a film even. This is a good entry, I think it just suffered from being too short. I didn't get to know these people and garner a connection to them.

Killing Alex

Looks like you've suffered from grammatical issues. I can see how that affected your chances of being a winner for this Labor. BUT, the good news about grammatical problems is that they can be fixed. Editing, editing, editing! Proofread, really. I understand the urge of laziness upon finishing your work DEMANDS that you submit before taking a second look. Refuse to listen, lol. You'll end up making a lot of progress and you'll be able to see your mistakes and become a better writer.

Onto the death scene. I appreciate what you tried to do. Death is unpredictable. There isn't always closure, and it isn't always expected. It can happen from the stupidest, and unluckiest of shots. That's something I tried to capture within my own entry. However, I see why it was seen as rushed and messy from the judge. Clean up the technical problems. But I do see that it might be out of place. You established this world of The Hack and then that happened. A lot less interesting, all things considered. I wanted Alex to die from having died in the game. You could have played with the "log out successful" a lot more. The world itself was fascinating and I wanted to see more, to know more. And I wanted to get to know Alex more.

You got something here. Like all the entries, there is unpolished talent. Just clean it up.

The Deaths of Eima Illervin

Agreed on the comments already made upon your work. I like reading a lengthy entry. Proof of that can be seen in the winner of the first RPGC. As was said, you had a problem with making your story flow. Before I get into the meat of this, I will take a look at technical issues that might help.

I will keep getting on top of you about ellipses. I've had to do it to myself. I've loved them before but oftentimes upon a second look at my work I used them incorrectly or they were just not necessary. Hey, you can use them or not use them. That's up to you. The more important technical note is the large block paragraphs. Breaking it up more carefully based on specific details might help. The sentence structure in itself might have explained why this dragged on. AND it should not have dragged on considering the fascinating and fun story that had a lot of cool action inside of it.

And off of the technical issues, we'll see why it dragged. At least, in my opinion why it struggled to get going and gather steam. The biggest issue was exposition. You spent a lot of time and a lot of words TELLING me who these characters were and why they were doing what they were doing. I wanted to see it. I didn't feel a connection to the students that were trained by the main character. I didn't feel her passion except the exposition of her thoughts and events I never got to see/feel/hear, etc. You seemed distracted by the backstory. Perhaps the backstory was too grand for this entry, or you could have had some action sequences with dialogue where I could get a grasp of her relationship with these students and the captured girl who she switched bodies with. And I think you can make that connection with some short scenes that connect us on a human level with Eima.

I'm going to use this quote here:

A sense of extreme urgency filled Ayuna, where she was standing staring at her original body. She had to stop that man from striking her friend. She had to do it now...!

What if you wrote that as this: "Ayuna stood silent as the man abused her friend. Hatred bubbling (note: or bubbled) up in her eyes as her fingers clenched around her gun. This had to end, now."

Not perfect, but that's an example. From there the urgency is inherent from her reaction. The whole scene felt very passive in sentence structure, and a lot of telling happened. She was supposed to feel urgency, but this is ineffective if I did not feel the same urgency from that sequence. Watch out for the passive voice. Also watch out for using too many -ING's (starING, strikING) within your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them. They're necessary but are better when they compliment the pacing of your sentences. From my view, too many "-ED" endings can feel choppy. And too many "-ING" endings can do the same thing.

You could have established things earlier within the writing as to who you were referring to. The clearing up of confusion within the story was out of place and took me out of the story. Either make a note of that in the beginning or use your writing skills to establish that within the entry.

That's what I've got for you. I think you have something really friggin' awesome here if you work on structure, phrasing, and the problems of exposition. Exposition is part of writing, and has its uses but should be placed in where it fits rather than taking over the story. Action and character should take over the story rather than the telling of it. But most of us already know that so I'll stop hammering that point into the ground. You have a super anime style of story here in its feel, AND I LOVE THAT. The powers were awesome. People jumping hundreds of feet into the air is a lot of fun. The threads of fate power was a nice twist and a power that I dug completely. Awesomeness, really.

Tons of potential here. Just gotta tap it by putting in the work, and judging by the length I don't think you'll have a problem with the work.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

I'm about to head out right now, but I wanted to say thank you for the reviews and a HUGE thank you for putting this together. This was a lot of fun! I look forward to the next labor.

I think I forgot to allow my name to be used in the entry. On The Adversity of Death was my entry. I think I'll write my own reviews on each piece as well in the next few days because I have an abundance of free time except for this immediate moment!

Quotes of the Day.

"You rogue motherfuckers kill me. Fighting the war on drugs, one brutality case at a time."

"You can't even call this shit a war."

"Why not?"

"Wars end."

- The Wire