HangYourSecrets

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Days Later...

They were flying into Berlin.

Outside the windows of the dimmed airplane, the great expanse of the Atlantic Ocean shone slightly as if a brilliant flare of light, as the first sun rays of the next day began to peer out over the horizon.

The past several days had been a blur. First, travel to St. Louis, then a final US show. Then, packing the instruments into crates and a drive immediately to the airport. Next, first flight into Atlanta. Several hours of layover in Atlanta, before a nonstop flight.

After the first several hours, all sense of time began to stop. The trip seemed to stretch far into the night, into the early hours of the morning, and once again back into darkness as America faded far behind them. There had been some interesting moments, and a few fans who had caught up to them and gotten their fair share of autographs, but it had mostly been a silent acceptance of the fatigue that had long since set in.

The fame and fortune of the life of the musician was certainly appealing, but the bitter reality of playing songs constantly, sleeping terribly, and the sheer amount of traveling was one of the least appealing parts of the job.

Still, Rob found some solace in it. There was something interesting to him about flights. Sure, it came with caveats, but overall, being able to travel hundreds of miles in an hour, far above the earth, never lost it’s novelty with him. He enjoyed takeoffs and landings, and the experience of it all. On the flight to Atlanta, he had been placed next to a fan, and was able to tell the kid a bit about the experience, the life, and some other things as well about life. It was always interesting meeting people that seemed so genuinely interested in not only the music, but themselves as well. He hoped that novelty would never be lost on him.

Beyond the unhealthy levels of caffeine surging throughout his system, Rob was able to enjoy looking out this window, in this moment, seeing the peacefulness of all of the expanse man seemed to leave well enough alone.

Moments before landing and Rob was still unsure of the future. Ahead, lay a more interesting tour. All the benefits of playing smaller, intimate shows with the added amenity of riding in a bus instead of driving the old van. The comfort was going to be much larger than it used to be.

But ever growing were the fears of what else would come. The strain of sharing a tour with Vicarious constantly. The new terms and conditions reached with Jane. The worrisome thoughts of her with another. The odd realization that he was almost expected to be with others as well. And the growing thoughts he had of acting on those feelings soon, rather than later.

Next to him, he felt Jane’s body pressed up against him in sleep. She seemed to much more at peace now, especially since what had been decided between the two of them. And if he was being honest, he was so much more at peace as well. It had cleared his head of the constant shame he had been carrying around, as well as the worry that he would use lose her.

Because Rob loved her. He wasn’t sure of when he began to love her, but he knew it was true.

Thoughts of Hayden came with that sort of thinking. The last time he had truly admitted his feelings, he had been scarred for several years. Telling Jane how he really felt, especially now with the casual agreement, felt like a recipe for disaster. He would tell her, of course. But at the right time. In the right place.

So, in a sense, everything had changed, but nothing truly had. Here they were on another tour, bracing for the experiences ahead, feeling sure of themselves but nervous for the road ahead, and having each other.

Full circle.

—

After landing and baggage claim, Harold led the exhausted band members (plus Lyla and Aaron, and their driver, a nice guy named Grant) over to the more industrial side of the airport, past the car lots and drop off, and over to a back corner filled with various trucks and busses. In front of one in particular, he stopped.

“Welcome home, guys,” he said politely.

In front of them was a truly massive black bus. Attached to the back end, a trailer hung, hopefully loaded with all the equipment they had shipped back in St. Louis. All along the sides, the storage doors were open, and airport employees were busy loading the last of their things inside.

“You’ll be in this thing for pretty much the whole tour,” Harold continued. “Well, not for the UK. The whole driving-on-the-wrong-side throws that off, so you’ll probably be back in a rental van for that. I’m still on logistics.”

Logistics. That’s what Harold was the master of. And it was why he was here now. Something about the need to talk to a venue owner in Berlin, or something. It seemed a waste of money, but so far, Harold was keeping all of them on what was basically carte blanche, so Rob didn’t worry so much about it. He never was good with money.

“I’m off to my meetings,” Harold said, turning as quick as he could. “I’ll see you in Britain for the end of the tour.”

And with that, just as quick as Harold had entered their lives in physical form, so he left.

Rob didn’t hesitate to step forward, going into the bus immediately. And in there, it was amazing.

A thick carpet lined the floors, and wood panels made up the walls and ceiling. Past the driver’s section, a nice living area sat with black leather couches and a full granite kitchenette just past it. A television hung from one of the walls, and windows made up a good chunk of the rest. Rob continued inside.

Past a very nice bathroom were the first round of bunks; two on each side, with a curtain to seal themselves off from the outside world. Each looked nice enough.

Moving farther back, four more bunks were in here, past a few closet spaces and another curtain. These seemed to be a bit bigger than the others, and Rob didn’t hesitate to slip his travel bag onto the one on the bottom-left; a clear indication that this one was his.

Rob quickly watched as Sam and Austin slipped in and argued immediately over who would get what, so he eased past and made his way to the front, opening the fridge.

To his surprise, it was stocked full of booze. He pulled out a decent looking ale and opened it, sitting down on the couch and thinking to himself for a moment.

This may not be so bad, and he had only just looked around—he was sure this bus held many more surprises for him.

Entering next was Grant, who offered Rob a nice smile and pulled a water from the fridge, before sitting next to him.

“Enjoy this moment,” Grant said, his accent coming through. Best to hire a European for the European Tour, Harold had argued. “It’ll be, as you would say, the calm before the storm”

“I’m sure,” Rob said. “You tour with bands a lot?”

“Many American bands,” Grant said simply. “Some small-time, some big. Some nice, some…not so nice. People are different.”

“Shit,” Rob breathed out. “That’s true.”

“We will drive to the venue in a moment,” Grant said, suddenly rising and moving to one of the bunks closest to the front of the bus. “Then, I sleep.”

Rob found this rather odd. Harold had gone to great lengths to explain that the best way to fight the jet lag was going to be staying up until night had fallen. And, seeing as how it was still morning, there was a lot more day to be had.

“Why then?” he asked.

Grant gave a soft smile. “While you work, I sleep. While you sleep, I work.” He set his drink down in his bunk, and slipped to the very front, to assumedly set up his own space for his work. He seemed to be a man of few words, which was not surprising. He probably had been doing this for a very long time.

Rob slipped out of the bus, in an effort to see where Jane had gone to, when he saw a familiar figure across the parking lot. Taking a few steps forward, he could tell who it was:

Zoe.

He walked across the lot, approaching a white bus that seemed to be Vicarious’ new traveling vehicle. The members of the band meandered about without noticing Rob’s approach at first; looking just as dead as he felt.

Andy was the first to notice Rob’s approach, and gave a silent stare to him before slipping into his bus was a bag. Rob shrugged off the feeling it gave him and approached Zoe—covered in a hat and sunglasses, and wearing black from a sleeveless graphic tee down to her boots. She was clearly unhappy, but offered a smile when she noticed Rob. She walked up quietly and stopped in place.

“Hey stranger,” she said. Fancy seeing you here.”

Rob laughed, and the two embraced for a moment.

“Glad to see you again,” Rob admitted, pulling away. “I know shit got weird, but—“

Rob felt a finger press against his lips softly. “Leave it in America, dude. We’re in Europe now. Catch you at the venue?”

Rob looked behind him to see the remaining members of Vicarious had vanished into the bus. He leaned in for a moment. “Me?” he asked.

Zoe nodded. “And Jane. Trent’s a bit frustrated half our band wants to fuck half our supporting band. And Andy just straight up doesn’t like you very much.”

Rob blushed slightly. “Well, when you put it that way…”

“What other way is there to put it?” Zoe asked, before slipping away, getting into the bus. “See you later, Jack.”

Rob watched as the door closed, and laughed a bit to himself. "And we're not your supporting band!" He shouted after her.

It was the first time he didn’t mind being called Jack.

--

Turning back to the bus, Rob grabbed some of the other things he would need and loaded them by his bunk. As he did so, he heard a conversation going on between Sam and Austin on the other side of the curtain:

“It was too fucking weird, dude.”

“What?”

“Like, I’m just standing here naked, and all of a sudden Jane comes in—“

“Bullshit.”

“Why else would I tell you that?”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Did she see your dick or not?”

”Guys?” Rob asked, slipping around the curtain and butting right into their conversation. The two both seemed to jump a foot into the air, but Rob ignored it: “Pick your bunks yet?”

“Y-yeah,” Austin stuttered.

“Cool,” Rob said, turning back away. Just wondering.” As he left, Sam spoke up.

“Hey, Rob?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear any of that?”

Rob rolled his eyes. “At this point, Sam,” Rob explained, “I really couldn’t give a fuck.”

Rob slipped back over to the couch and closed his eyes.

He knew he needed to stay awake until after the show tonight, but Jesus was it going to hurt.

He briefly thought of getting up to find Jane, but couldn’t find the energy for it. Still, he really wanted to find her.

Even with all the shit around them, the one thing Rob wanted in this moment was Jane by his side, feeling her warmth and hearing her voice. Talking about anything in the world. Anything, to distract him from this terrible growing anxiety he was feeling.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Feeling Jane’s touch on him again was intoxicating.

She was (and always had been) driven and intentional in her movements. Her body seemed to be so in tune with her mind, and her emotional expressions were very much in her physical strength.

Her fingertips on his skin shot impulses straight through Rob’s body—and her touch and her lips continued to slide across and down him, and he found it increasingly difficult to think straight.

But her words still rang in his mind, partially fuzzed by the alcohol and his own lustful thinking, but still ever-present.

Was this what he wanted? Possibly. So much had gone wrong, perhaps it was best to start slow.

He didn’t want to have said what he had in the first place. He didn’t want to write the song that they had been forced to write and he didn’t want to be controlled by so many different entities. There was so much he did not want it was difficult to decide what it was he did.

It might have been another man’s dream—Jane’s proposition, at least. The idea of an emotionally exclusive relationship while maintaining physical intimacy with others was perhaps one of the great things people expected men to want. Like a sort of goal or pinnacle to reach. And sure, years had passed that Rob had indulged himself in the very same agreements, enjoying the pleasures that he could with little to no remorse the feelings they may or may not have inhibited on others.

But Rob wasn’t like those men. He was weary, confused, and neurotic. The idea of Jane with others was off-putting to him. And sure…it could be fun. For a while. But how close could they become with a revolving door of other men and women kept coming between them? People with different world views and thoughts, feelings, and all different types of shapes and sizes? What then?

It was all something that would be easier to think about; perhaps after he indulged both himself and Jane. Hell, if he was really honest. This was mainly for him.

Rob slipped his arms around Jane. “Yeah,” he breathed out, his heart beginning to race. “Let’s do it.”

Then the world faded away entirely.

—

The next morning, Rob and Jane lay intertwined in bed, comforted by the feelings of the other, and the blankets enveloping them. The sun shone though the windows by the far wall—the first glimmers of dawn gently lulling Rob awake from a light sleep.

He slipped away from Jane quietly, with a gentle kiss given to her as he left, along with a note he penned as he went:

Gonna try to get some practice in while you do that interview. Go tell those fuckers whats up! Love you, Rob.

He left the note in the room where she’d see it, before slipping out entirely, closing the door with a soft clicking noise.

Within a few minutes, he had hailed a taxi and rode to the nearest music studio, making sure to drop off some merch with the owner for the free practice time he had secured via Aaron. It turned out, he had friends all the way out here, too.

He began to practice, working his way through the typical patterns and warm ups, before playing some of his favorite songs.

There was a growing comfort in what had transpired last night. For the first time in a while, Jane and Rob were finally on the same page. They knew what the other wanted, and there wasn’t much need for any clarified feelings or miscommunication. Or, in the very least, not now. Now, he could find some sense of normalcy in his life.

After a few songs had broken a sweat across his brow, he slipped his phone out, looking to find a song to play to. He was, in the end, greeted with a message he had received the night before that he had ignored while he spoke to Jane. It was from Zoe:

10:21 PM, Zoe: Sorry for flipping out at you. I know shit got weird for a bit there, but we can still hang out, right?

Rob thought for a moment, before:

8:56 AM, Rob: I’d like that.

He slipped the phone into his pocket, thinking of what that relationship may become without the threat of hurting other’s feelings. But each time he thought of Zoe, the next thought was of Andy, and his own relationship with Jane. 

And then there was Trent. Caught in the middle of it all.

Maybe touring with Vicarious wasn’t the best idea. But there was no changing it now. They would need to figure these things out in Europe; something that seemed so far away, but was now closer than ever to being a reality. 

Having lost the drive to continue on, Rob set the sticks down and slipped out of the studio with his headphones on. Big Dark Love by Murder By Death played loudly in the speakers by his ears, building endlessly to the final electronic conclusion of the song.

Rob took a drag from a cigarette and let the smoke pour from his lungs into the open air, and thought of what could come next.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

”Maybe we should try it. You know, being casual.”

Rob knew that the ultimate outcome of the evening would be something along lines such as these. Something about hearing it out in the open air was both cathartic and morose. A weird mixture of the pyrrhic comfort of a resolution and the bitter irony that he felt so strongly by being effected by the suggestion.

Or, to place it in simpler terms, the fact that it was now he that felt somewhat hurt by “casual” really fucking sucked.

But…it was for the best.

Jane was not wrong here. The clusterfuck of the last few weeks in particular could easily be traced to Rob and Jane’s personal issues. Nothing Austin or Sam did managed to get them into any sort of hot water, and Harold, for all his faults, seemed to be trying very hard to capitalize on the success of the band, even with the band didn’t want it.

And as she continued to talk, Rob grew more and more sold on the idea. Because, when was the last time the two of them hung out? And wrote music, or just chilled out together? It wasn’t during the tour, or so it seemed. Even when they did, there was always this bitter undertone of whatever emotional bullshit happened to be going on between them. It needed to come to a conclusion, and if casual was going to be the direction that led them there, so be it.

Perhaps too conveniently, Rob felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He dared not check it now, but worried as to who it might have been.

He couldn’t help but laugh next at the Jane’s assessment of him. That he had somehow made her better at expressing herself, when he had gotten so shit at it recently.

“I wish I was better at it myself,” he said nearly to himself. For one of the first times in their conversation, Rob looked up to Jane’s eyes.

Those clear, vibrant eyes he had fallen in love sometime in the distant past. He wondered how he had managed all those years without admitting his affections even to himself. And, even if it weren’t the best course of action in his own mind, he would soon be back with her.

And she would be with others. And so he would be as well. He wondered briefly in that split-second of eye-contact something he had wondered so many times before in this trip; how long it could truly last.

“We’ve only got one more show,” Rob started again, “and then it’s Europe. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. Going into a different country and culture every night, being in a big bus with more people, touring with Vicarious…”

Rob trailed off. For both their sakes, he opted not to discuss that last bit any further.

“It’s gonna be crazy. And if we’re not on the same side of it, it could really fuck things up. So…yeah. I guess we should try it.”

Rob swallowed both spit and pride.

“We’re about to be a whole lot closer regardless. You ever think about that bus? I mean, seriously, we’re gonna be pretty damn short on places to fuck alone. Jesus Christ, I feel for Austin, Sam and the others.”

Rob laughed to himself. It’ll work out, he told himself.

It’ll be ok.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Feeling Jane against his side again after all of the time passed felt…odd.

There wasn’t a better way to phrase Rob’s feelings.

The entire trip to the venue, however short, Rob remained passive, holding Jane to him and gazing forward, watching cars passing them by through the dirty windshield. Outside, the sun was beginning to set, and rays of sunlight shone through tinted windows, illuminating random parts of the car.

It was golden hour, to the photographer or videographer. The perfect moment between day and night. The end and the beginning. And interesting dynamic that seemed oddly fitting for them. In just a few days, the van would be left behind, along with the rest of the country. They would be entering a foreign country nearly every day.

Rob wondered what might be left behind as the rest of the set up turned into a blur. He wasn’t sure how many times he had set up and torn apart his drum set (surely over a dozen times by now), but was able to do so without so much as a second thought.

He found himself on his drum throne, looking out to a roaring audience obscured by bright lights, and had to fight to remain in the moment at hand.

In front of him, Jane talked briefly about the pictures that had leaked of her, and after a few roars of applause, the show started. The audience was as enthralled as ever—their bodies swaying and moving to the rhythm and with the lead of Jane on stage. Rob played essentially as straightforward and as “in the pocket” as he could; managing to keep the band in a steady tempo without really adding as much finesse as he might have done, provided he was in a better mindset.

Next came the new song, which seemed to have a positive reaction. Having never heard the song previously, the crowd had grown silent, grooving to the rhythm but otherwise watching the band play it’s melody. Rob was especially isolated in this song—his beat set up as a polyrhythm, his playing in a different meter than the others causing the song to seem to tear apart and put itself together again constantly. It was definitely one of their more odd tracks, but it sure as hell beat playing the single.

After it ended, the crowd cheered amicably, and Austin slipped forward and plugged the usual “available on all major sites” line as per an earlier Harold request.

The band slipped off stage, and Jane quickly approached.

”I gotta shower and call Harold when we get back, then I’m all yours.”

Something about the intonation of her voice and the way she had smiled at him seemed to instill a greater sense of hope in Rob. While he was anxious and happy to come to some sort of resolution with Jane, and she seemed more than willing, he was still overcome with a sense of guilt. That the initial honeymoon stage of their relationship wouldn’t have come to an end because of Rob’s indecision and scatterbrain.

Now it seemed, at least based upon the text he had received from her, Rob and Jane would be more casual—just as he had asked. Something he had said out of respite and never meant was now seemingly the only way to mend whatever was going on between Jane and Rob, leaving him with an odd feeling of guilt and anxiety. Hopefully tonight, once the two discussed it, Rob could feel a bit more solace than he was now.

However much calm hearing Jane and seeing her again had instilled in him, it quickly faded by seeing Zoe approach, bass strapped around her, looking as if she was ready to destroy him.

“What the fuck was that?” She called out loudly. Behind her, Rob could see Trent trying to make his way past a wall of roadies to approach as well. Before Rob could respond, she continued: “you talk to Jane about me?”

I probably should have, Rob thought, before answering honestly. “It’s never come up.”

Zoe’s demeanor changed, but it seemed more of a channeling of anger rather than any release of it. “I haven’t said a word to her. Not a fucking word. And she feels the need to call me out publicly. She knows there’s a fucking press pit, right? Fifty images of that moment could be all over the internet. You’d think she would’ve learned that every moment can be used against you.”

“You’re overreacting,” Trent said as he finally made his approach, trying to pull Zoe back. She refused to break eye contact with Rob.

“I’m not getting dragged into her black hole. And I know you don’t want to be.” Zoe said, more rational than before. “I’m not going to get dragged into the media circus. I’ve fought for years for my anonymity. If she has anything to say to me, I’d hope she could manage to say it to my face.”

Without waiting for a response, Zoe turned around, heading over to another groupie standing near the craft services table. Trent slipped into Rob’s line of sight next, looking more apologetic than she had been.

“Sorry about all that,” Trent said sheepishly. He was the second member of Vivacious to seem to act differently this evening. “Zoe’s a calm person, but she’s always been hugely protective of her image and how the public looks at her. She can take the lesbian stuff that occasionally gets printed, but anything involving another band…well, she certainly looks to you guys as some sort of warning.”

“I get it, man,” Rob said. “I guess she’s pretty mad at me, really.”

“Between us,” Trent said, “I really don’t think so. I think she’s keeping her distance until whatever you decide to do.” He laughed, after a moment of silence. “She seemed more drawn to you than anyone I’ve been before, and that’s unlike her. …It’s funny, really. Between her and Andy, we talk about In Bloom more than we do ourselves.”

“I with it wasn’t like that, man,” Rob said. “I never meant to get so involved. I just wanted a friend.”

A tinge of frustration shot across Trent’s face. “Try not to take us both down in Europe. For both our sakes.”

With that, Trent slipped off into his own position, and Vicarious prepared to take the stage. Confused by what had happened and the changing relationship between In Bloom and Vicarious, Rob tried to make a note to talk to Trent again soon, before slipping back to the van.

—

Back in the hotel room, Jane had slipped away and made a phone call to Harold, while Rob was researching things about Europe. It was more for the sake of his mind than any genuine interest, but regardless, it was going to be fun being away for a while.

The interaction he recently had with Vicarious made him realize how dangerous it was that him and Jane were in odd relationships with the band. Especially since it seemed that they were going to be touring with them in Europe. And…because whatever rules drawn tonight would have a profound influence on just how personal the relationships became.

Rob’s feelings of monogamy had lessened since hearing that Jane was willing to go casual with him. At first, the guilt of being the instigator had caused him to stop short of any real romance with Zoe. After tonight? Her willing approval—and the return of their sex life, to be honest—might turn the tide. Rob sorely missed his friend, and if Jane was with him, and the tension in the air was released by a more casual approach, he supposed he could get behind it. Plus, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least partially interested in being with Zoe. Trent’s confirmation of her own willingness wasn’t helping any last feelings of guilt.

Rob heard her enter the room from the balcony, and he slipped to the kitchen almost on cue. He poured himself and Jane a mixed drink (with what was probably far too much vodka) and set her’s down on the table, before sitting across from her. It felt oddly cold to do so, but Rob would have to fight through it. He was in this mess because he wasn’t honest, and now he was going to have to get out of it by being as truthful as he could be.

“Shit, this is odd,” Rob chuckled as he took a long drink of his beverage. He set it down with a loud clink. “Thanks for reaching out to me. I would’ve done it earlier, but…”

No you wouldn’t have, his mind reminded him. You were too busy feeling like shit.

Rob noted that thought and continued. “Anyways. I know I hurt you because I asked you to go casual. And that’s my fault. I just…panicked, I guess. I wasn’t being honest with you, and I wasn’t talking to you like we used to. So, I guess in some fucked up way I thought it was what you may have wanted. But now I realize I basically didn’t tell you much and then suddenly implied I only wanted to fuck you.”

Rob took a deep breath. “Which is wrong. I mean…yeah, the sex is amazing, but I missed talking to you. I lost that when I asked you to be casual. I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. And now it feels like we haven’t spoken in fucking forever. So…however you’re feeling, I want to hear it. I just want to come out of this feeling like we’re friends again. I don’t ever want to loose that.”

Rob felt a bit better talking more off-the-cuff that completely rehearsed, but couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t being completely honest about himself. He wasn’t sold on being casual yet. And he knew it was him that proposed it, but something about it….

Rob downed the rest of his drink at set it on the table. Perhaps it’d be easier with a buzz going.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob’s phone buzzed, sending slight reverberations through the linen sheets of his bed and lulling him to being somewhat awake again. He slipped a hand over to where his phone was situated and turned it on.

He had missed several messages from several people.

He started first with Harold—a group message to the band:

4:13, Harold: Just finished a master of the new track. You’re good to play it tonight. It’ll be up everywhere the moment you finish playing it.

Attached was a link to the song, and after a listen, Rob felt pretty satisfied with the conclusion. It was a song bred out of stress and necessity, but for a song of theirs, he felt pretty ok with it sounding more like earlier material than stuff off the last record. It was good to see something decent arise from the frustration of the tour. He hoped the audience they had cultivated would enjoy the sound, and Jane’s more melancholy lyrics.

Next he slipped down to Jane’s messages, and read them back and forward again. Several times, in fact—for it seemed to be the first real conversation they had since Minneapolis.

He dwelled on phrases such as “better this way” and “we’re too good in bed together,” trying hard not to react rashly to what was clearly something he felt responsible for.

At first, however, he wasn’t truly sure how to react. He set the phone down, mindlessly slipping into a shower and dressing, before lifting the phone up again; thinking of what was said.

He figured she might have been right, as much as it pained him to admit. Maybe a romance in the traditional set was not going to be possible in this moment with them. Maybe it would not be possible at all. It was frustrating to know the initiator of all this madness was himself, but perhaps it was just a catalyst. Problems they were facing now were always ones he had figured they would be experiencing. Maybe not now, but eventually. And who knows? With the European Tour just days away, there was a need to at least find some sense of agreement between the two of them—for the band’s sake as well as theirs. And god knows Rob’s health seemed to be failing as well. His mind briefly thought of the attack he had earlier that day before trying to forget again.

But over text? It wasn’t the way he wanted to communicate with her. At least, not for something this serious. He considered running over to Sam and Austin’s room (where she would most likely be staying), but putting her on edge after she just reached out to him felt too abrasive.

Rob put a thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose as squeezed, closing his eyes. There would need to be a conversation, yes, but when? When was Jane free now?

Was she with Andy?

The thought angered him. While Jane was (in Rob’s mind) most likely unaware that Zoe and Rob had done little more than kiss, Rob was unaware of what Jane had done with Andy. And perhaps it was no longer his business. Any rights to that part of Jane were forsaken with the words “maybe we should be casual.”

The longer time passed, the more Rob would seem to regret ever saying that.

He really couldn’t help that level of jealously within himself, however selfish it was. From his own perspective of denying Zoe (a person that he would, in any other circumstance, have long since been intimate with), thinking of Jane with other person was frustrating, even if it was baseless.

The conflicting feelings of self-loathing and jealousy were eating up at him, and it was time to at least accept one of them. And, he could not change what he had said. So…perhaps he really did need to try his hand at a casual relationship.

The idea frustrated him immensely. He had done something similar before, but not with a friend. Not one as close as Jane was to him. Before dwelling on it any further, Rob typed out a response:

Rob: I miss you, and I’d like to talk about it. In person, hopefully. When you can.
Rob: And I did do something wrong. I did a lot wrong. But I get that I can’t change that. However we can fix this, I’m game.

Texting was frustrating. The subtle nature and nuance of real conversation was lost in translation most of the time, but Rob was pretty satisfied with what he had typed out. He looked to the time, and—realizing how soon the concert was—headed down to the van, and met up with his bandmates.

“Ready for tonight?” Rob asked through a weak smile to Austin, who stood outside the car. He puffed on a cigarette (a bit odd, to see Austin on tobacco) and looked over to Rob as he approached.

“Yeah, I guess so.” he said. The mood seemed much more low-energy than he was used to with Austin, but maybe that was needed. “Just this show and St. Louis, and then it’s Europe for weeks.”

“Are you not excited about that?” Rob asked.

“No, it’s not that,” Austin offered. He dropped the cigarette to the ground and put it out. “It’s just that I don’t know what’s going to happen to us over there.”

“Me either,” Rob said. He slipped in the van soon after.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob had no time to react.

Soon, without much warning at all, Jane appeared to him, in such a manner that he was almost unsure of whether or not he had dozed off on the bed. But here she was, dream or real, sitting at the foot of the bed. Here, together and alone for the first time in days.

She began to talk, and soon after, Rob immediately began to piece together what could be said. In this newfound sense of honesty he had to find a way to tell her how he was feeling. There was no good way for him to approach it. If he could just start talking. If he could just begin to speak—

But he could not.

Jane’s body slipped above his own, and she began to straddle him. Her closeness to her was a feeling he hadn’t realized he had missed so incredibly badly in the time between their last discussion. Being here in this moment of physicality with Jane was so incredibly intoxicating, he had to stop thinking. He had to live in this moment.

”I’m really fucking angry at you…” she had whispered to him between kisses.

And any and all meaning Jane was trying to get across was lost in the ecstasy of their bodies, and Rob’s fleeting little moment to think of what she had said faded as soon as her perfect lips pressed against his.

—

”Yet, here I am, giving you exactly what you asked for,” her words came soft, fading into his consciousness.

He had been laying back, eyes closed, and he head had been in another place. But, the bitterness of his actions were coming to fruition.

“I don’t—“ he stuttered out, but it seemed to be too late. Her body covered itself in a t-shirt—her beauty dispelled in cheap cotton. It was like the ending of a beautiful film—something so long and mesmerizing, that as the credits begin to roll, you realize, you were never ready for this to end.

Except, this was his reality.

He stood from the bed, naked and cold, and looked to her as she ran out the door.

“I so sorry—“ he managed to get out, before his words were cut off by the slamming of the door into it’s frame.

He was alone.

And suddenly, like a wave of emotion, each moment in his life came to haunt him. Each time he had yelled at his mother of father, and the bitter, jaded responses they had warranted. Each time he had hurt his friends. Each time in his life where he had let his own selfish nature consume others and each time others had torn him back down played out in his head.

In a panic, Rob rushed back into the bedroom and picked up his boxers, pulling them onto his body. But after slipping on a pair of sweatpants, he could no longer find the energy to do so. He sat on the floor near the bed, his hands pressed against his temples.

In his mind, Hayden’s words cut deep into his mind:

This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so fucking pathetic

He lowered his head, and gave in. The room around him spun violently. The soft etherial noises of the apartment increased in volume until the noises around him were deafening. His heart pounded in his chest until it felt it could take no more, and Rob shook in the pressure.

There was nothing left to do.

—

Two hours later Rob found himself on the balcony of his and Jane’s shared room. His fingers curled around his eighth cigarette and his other hand rested softly upon his forehead. The last of his panic attach had faded away with time.

It was his first in almost three years.

It was sad, really, the response that had triggered it. Jane leaving so closely after their most intimate time together should not come as a surprise, nor should it have been something he should blame upon her.

He had asked for her to be casual with him. He had asked for this. And it no longer mattered that in the most fucked up way, he had meant it to be better for her. This was the path he had chosen. No interview, no actions, nothing he could no would better this situation.

He would have to talk to her. He would have to admit to her that he thought so low of her, that offering a casual relationship seemed like a good idea at the time. Perhaps a day ago he could still excuse it as an oversight. But he knew Jane better, and could clearly tell how badly it hurt her.

Still, even regarding all of the above, having Jane slip into the room for sex and leaving quickly was painfully demeaning. The thought of simply being used for his own physical nature disgusted him. For some odd reason, all the casual sex he had in years past seemed perfectly fine. Now, with the solidity of an exclusive relationship fresh in his mind, he felt so bad for ever wanting it in the first place.

And yet he had still asked for this. He had still told her he wanted casual sex. And she gave it to him, probably under the impression that it was what he wanted.

The panic attack had faded away, but the anxiety that induced it was still ever-present. He would have to talk to her, but he doubted she even wanted to talk anymore. She had just told him that only a few short hours ago.

Unwilling to be alone, he ventured out into the hallway, slipping over to Sam and Austin’s room. To no surprise, Jane wasn’t here, and Sam and Austin seemed surprised to see their friend.

“Hey man,” Sam awkwardly spat out as he let Rob him. He sat on the couch without saying much and looked over to him and Austin, who stood in the kitchen.

“Ok, so, I’m just going to come right out and say it,” Rob started, unwilling to stand on ceremony with them. “I fucked up pretty bad this time.”

No one said anything for a moment, until Austin called out with a loud, “yeah. Ya did.”

Fifteen minutes later, Rob had caught them up to speed with his side of the story, and apologized for not being friends with them the past few days. They seemed reasonable enough about the situation, and nodded.

“Well,” Austin started, “kudos to you for that interview. Hopefully that’ll get everyone off our backs for the time being. Last I saw Jane, she was heading to your place. How’d that go?”

Rob hesitated for a moment, then looked down to his hands. “Not good,” he said, and left it at that. Talking to them about his and Jane’s sex life was not a conversation he would willingly have with them. But, somehow, they seemed to figure out what had happened.

“Well,” Sam started. “You did ask for it.”

“No fucking shit,” Rob shot back. It was less of a slight at Sam and more out of frustration, than anything else. “I don’t really know what to—“

Rob’s speech was cut short by the sight of a woman. Slipping from Sam’s room, a young brunette in nothing but a t-shirt peered around the door.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting…” she trailed off. Her cheeks were a beet red. “Mind if I grab some food?”

Rob looked in near-shock, before bursting out in loud laughter. Sam grew equally as embarrassed and shot Rob a glare.

“Absolutely,” he said, leading her to the kitchen and passing Austin, who waved Rob out of the seat.

“Come on,” Austin said. “It’s nicer on the balcony anyways.”

Rob followed along, and the two sat outside, looking directly at the Gateway Arch. It’s massive silver glared in the light, and it was one of the coolest sights in the city. The show they were playing tonight would be very close to it, and Rob was glad to see something nice in the otherwise sleepy city.

“Well obviously you two need to talk,” Austin started. “You’d think after all the shit you’ve been through you would’ve figured that one out by now.”

“Yeah…” Rob said. His voice was low and tired. “Look, sorry for being pretty much an asshole the past few days. I’ve been stuck with this. Well, and this new track.”

“Look,” Austin said. “Regardless of whatever you and Jane end up doing, the new single kicks ass. And I was thinking, we should probably name it. Any suggestions?”

Rob looked out to the city, thinking of Jane’s soft, frustrated words she had sang just a day ago. “Sinning,” he said softly. “Or, just Sin.”

“Straightforward enough,” Austin said. “I’ll run it by Jane when I can. Although, Run While You Can would probably be less melancholy.”

Rob laughed a bit as he slipped a phone from his pocket. Aaron was calling.

“Hey, I—“ Rob started, but Austin waved a hand. “Go for it,” he said. “You haven’t talked to the guy in years.”

Rob smiled, and was back out with Aaron for lunch, trying hard not to think of what he was going to have to do or say to Jane. In the car, Aaron slipped himself the AUX chord, and played a repetitive, infectious song: Witch Doctor by De Staat.

“This sounds really familiar,” Rob commented, as he slipped the phone from Aaron and checked the artist out. “It is. Zoe showed me this.”

“What’s up with her?” Aaron asked.

“I met her at the bar yesterday,” Rob said, honestly only now thinking on it for the first time. “I guess she’s cool with everything. She’s not an easy-to-read person.”

“For everyone’s sake, you probably should stay away from the Vicarious guys,” Aaron said. “At least until you sort that shit out.”

“Probably,” he noted. Perhaps coincidentally, at that moment, Rob’s phone vibrated, and received a message from Zoe.

12:02, Zoe: Andy keeps vanishing off all the time now. Trent thinks it’s with Jane. Just a heads up.

Rob slipped the phone back into his pocket without responding, but was left to think about that Even throughout a very fun lunch with Aaron, and slipping back into his stateroom with enough time to take a nap, he knew he wouldn’t stop worrying about it. At the very least, he hoped he never saw any of what Jane and Andy were doing, if they were even doing anything.

He wasn’t sure if he could take it. No, actually.

He wasn’t sure what exactly he’d do to Andy if he saw it.

Rob slipped back into his bed and fell into a light sleep, fully intending to only get up when he needed to arrive to the concert. He was far to stressed to do anything else.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

It was late in the evening, and if Harold was expecting them to play in Kansas City tomorrow, he’d need at the rest he could get.

Emotionally and physically tired, Rob slipped the key card into the hotel’s door, opening it softly as to not wake Jane. It was at least one-thirty, and the alcohol in his system was only driving him forward to sleep. Any conversation he may have wanted to have with her would’ve had to wait.

“Jane?” Rob called out into the dark room. He set his things onto the countertop and began to look through the room.

She wasn’t there.

In fact, it looked as if no one had been there since it was last cleaned. The empty fresh scent of bleach was still lingering in the air, and Rob stood alone in a room designed for two.

“Jane?” Rob asked once more into the darkness.

Nothing.

With a sigh, Rob made his way to the light, illuminating the room in a harsh blue tint. He opened the fridge, pulled out one of the bottled waters provided, and proceeded to finish it quickly in an attempt to clear out some of the buzz lingering in his head.

He supposed he deserved it, actually.

Ever since Rob’s brilliant idea of asking Jane to be casual, the two hadn’t spoken much, if at all. And once the metaphorical can of worms had been opened, it could not be undone. There was no fault to hold Jane against whatever actions she had taken, sexual or otherwise, with other people, just as there was no excuse for Rob to feel bad for such an action.

The thought of Jane with other men haunted him, but knowing he had straight-up given her permission to do so in some misguided attempt to make her feel better was worse.

He had fucked up pretty bad this time.

Not bothering to unpack his things, Rob stripped naked as he approached the bathroom, leaving a line of clothes in his wake from the front door to the bathroom. He stood in the shower and let the warm water touch his back for a very long time, before turning it off without even bothering to bathe much, if at all.

He dried off and slumped into one of the beds, and was out in about three minutes.

—

He was awoken the next morning by his phone ringing. With a groan, he reached for it and answered it.

“You’re not going to like what I’m about to ask of you,” Harold’s voice came on the other end.

Rob responded with a low guttural noise, before: “Trust me Harold, you really couldn’t make things worse.”

“You’ve got an interview in an hour.”

Silence. Then:

“I stand fucking corrected, Harold.”

“Look,” Harold said. He breathed out softly on the other end. “We’ve been media silent for too long. You don’t even want to know the kind of speculation coming out of this leaked photo incident. Like, you really really don’t. I just need you to answer a few questions and tell them about the single you’re going to play live in St. Louis. I told them to make it short and painless as possible.”

“You know what?” Rob said. “Fuck it. Fine. Where do I go?”

“Aaron’s gonna pick you up from the room,” Harold said. “And…thank you.”

—

Aaron and Rob rode in silence for most of the journey to the other end of town, where the radio station was.

After Aaron had explained some of the specifics of the interview to Rob, he was lost in his own mind again.

He knew they were going to ask him about Jane. All sort of questions about the photos, the sex, the drugs…all of it. Except, this time, there was no united front between the press and him and Jane. No, now it was this shattered, frustrated segments that lie between Rob and Jane. There was bitterness, anger, and confusion. Rob no longer knew what Jane would want him to say on her behalf. Would she even want him to speak on her behalf at all? Does she even know this is happening?

At this rate, what little remained of his chances to fix the shit he started could no longer cloud his judgment. He had approached the relationship with the best of intentions, and let those very intentions cloud his judgments and tear it all apart. Now…there wasn’t much left to loose. Rob was tired, weary, and had been moments away from a panic attack for the past week. The world already knew so much about him, and more about Jane. Any sense of privacy was beyond gone for him. Perhaps, forever.

Fuck it.
There was nothing left to loose. Rob was just going to be as honest as he could be.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Aaron asked.

“Whatever they want,” Rob answered flatly. The two didn’t speak again, and after Rob exchanged pleasantries with the host, Ethan, he was sat down at a table, given headphones and a mic to speak into, and was told he was going on air in just a few moments.

Everything blurred around him. All expect for the interview.

Ben: Welcome back to 99.8, Kansas City’s best Alternative Rock station. Coming at you live from the middle of nowhere, the center of everywhere. We’ve got Rob Pennie, of In Bloom. Rob…how are you?

Rob: I’m alright, I guess.

Ben: Big things going on, it seems. I hate to bring it up, but this is the first time we’ve heard from an In Bloom member since Jane’s photos lit up the internet. How’s everyone coping?

Rob: Well, it’s a tricky thing. Obviously, we feel for Jane, and we’re sad to see something like this be so huge, but the world doesn’t stop, you know? There’s still tour dates, and studio times, and phone calls, and all sort of behind the scenes stuff that can’t wait around. We’ve mostly been working on that in the radio silence.

Ben: I’m sure it’s been rough. Pass my condolences to Jane for me. And the rest of you.

Rob: Sure.

Ben: Your relationship in particular with Jane has also been something of major discussion.

Rob: Getting right into all this, aren’t we?

Ben: We’ve only got so much time on here, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Rob: It’s fine, man. I’m not going to blow up on you. And that’s the thing, really. Getting put under the microscope like we’ve been for a while, you sort of loose your sense of privacy. Like, you might ask me other things, and you won’t push the topic, but someone else will.

Ben: I’m assuming you’re referring to that last explosive interview you had a week or so ago?

Rob: [laughing] That’s the one, man. I’m just not the kind of guy to usually be so open about things. I’m pretty reserved about a lot of things, and especially my personal life. You can get frustrated at people with agendas or alterior motives, and it can really get to you. But it’s alright. The sooner people have their answers the sooner we can all get back to the music.

Ben: I can understand that. You seem like you’ve been really thinking about it.

Rob: Actually, I haven’t. Or, at least, I haven’t rehearsed this or anything. And it wasn’t cause I didn’t have time. I’ve been doing my fair share of overthinking and it’s starting to bite me in the ass. Sometimes you’ve got to just go off the cuff and be real with someone. If I scripted this and you gave me a question I wasn’t expecting, I’d be screwed. This way is much easier anyways.

Ben: I get that. I get that vibe from Jane’s interviews as well.

Rob: Jeez, I wish I could be like her in these things. She’s pretty confident in her answers and words. We’re kind of opposites, in that sense.

Ben: In what sense?

Rob: I guess…Jane’s the kind of person who doesn’t question herself, you know? She’s direct, and open about who she is. That doesn’t mean stuff like the photos doesn’t hurt, or anything. Me, on the other hand…I can be volatile. I weigh all the options and variables in my head so much I fail to do things, and I think people want something when they really don’t.

Ben: This all sounds more like things we’ve never heard from you.

Rob: Yeah. I guess so. I’m just coming to terms with it. You gotta remember, Ben, we were barely selling tickets to our friends for years. We played a few places in California, but that’s basically it. We’re nobodies. We’re not used to this kind of attention, and I guess we’re all just having to deal with it. This new sort of normal. And…that’s actually kind of amazing in a way. We’re going to Europe in a few days. We’re going international. That’s got to be one of the coolest things I’ve ever had the opportunity to do, but I’ve been too swarmed to think about it. I’m too caught up in what I think people want that I don’t even realize what I’m doing sometimes. I’ve fucked up things I’m worried I can never fix.

Ben: [laughs] Jesus, Rob. You alright?

Rob: I’m fine. I’ve been right so many times in my life, I can afford to be wrong every once in a while. [laughs] But seriously…it’s the truth. I think fans and critics alike can realize that it’s been rough getting our feet on the ground from all of this. That much is pretty obvious from our past interviews. So yeah. It’s been hard. I won’t speak for the others but it seems to be hard for all of us. And that’s ok. We’re sorting our shit out, same as the kids listening to our stuff. It’s only human.

Ben: We’re out of time, but I wish I had another hour with you. Last thoughts?

Rob: Watch our next few shows. Who knows? Maybe we’ll play something new for you guys.

—


“You told that guy everything,” Aaron said on the drive back to the hotel. “Why now?”

“This whole time,” Rob started, “I’ve felt like they’ve been pushing me to get every last bit of information out. Like they wanted to know everything about me. Now…they’ve got nothing left. And I’ve got nothing left to fear from them.”

Aaron nodded, but said nothing, and the two split apart at the lobby.

“I’ll see you tonight.” Aaron said, slipping away.

Rob made his way back to the room, and laid back into bed, thinking about what he had done.

Maybe the issue with the press hadn’t resolved in the way he had liked. But now…what else could they really ask of him?

He might have fucked up before, but that stopped now.

Who knows? It might have been too late anyways.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

It was sometime in the months intervening high school and Aaron’s arrival to State University.

Back then, those summers were lined with days on the beach, time spent between various bars and impromptu road trips to Nevada, Arizona, and beyond.

Aaron and Rob had been very good friends at the time, but Rob was well-aware of what was to come. Going off to college, especially the one several hours away that Aaron had chosen, was certainly going to put a dagger in their relationship. Some would argue that this would be a sad event, but Rob never looked at things that way. He was simply happy to have a friend around, and was certainly not going to make him feel bad or vilify him for chasing his own dreams.

There was a late-summer evening between the two of them. After the afternoon had faded to twilight, the lesser-known beach they had claimed emptied out until it was simply barren. This far from civilization, the sounds surrounding the two were simply the call of the birds and the gentle crashes of the waves.

“I suppose this is it,” Aaron had said, passing the joint along to Rob and looking out into the sky. “Orientation is tomorrow.”

“When do you head out?” Rob asked.

“Probably seven tomorrow morning,” Aaron said flat, then broke into a smile. “Shit, that’s gonna hurt so much.”

Rob laughed alongside him. “Get used to that shit, man. Lecture classes at eight isn’t going to be easy.”

“I know, man,” Aaron said. But then the two went silent, and for a moment, the beach was filled with unspoken tension.

Then:

“You think we’ll ever be like this again?”

“How do you mean?” Rob asked.

“Without worrying about anything. No jobs, no responsibilities. Just weed bummed off of our friends, sitting on a beach. Not worrying.”

Rob thought for a moment. “I guess not,” he sighed. “Although it’s not that bad of a thing. I wouldn’t want to do nothing my whole life. Would you?”

Aaron thought, digging his hands into the damp sand beneath them. “I guess I wouldn’t mind it, actually. With friends around, maybe. I’d have to work some shit job to pay bills, but I wouldn’t really consider it much of a responsibility. But…yeah. I’d be pretty content with that.”

“I couldn’t be.”

“Really?” Aaron asked. His tone implied he wasn’t necessarily surprised by Rob’s response, but possibly curious as to his intentions.

“I could never do that,” Rob continued. “I swear to God, if I’m doing nothing when I’m 25 or 30, I’ll just blow my brains out and be done with it. No. I want to make something of myself. Be something.”

“And what is that?” Aaron asked.

“I don’t know,” Rob admitted. “Something I’m good at. I want to take that and make something of it. Whatever the hell that it. I want to do something that actually matters. And not to other people. To me.”

“You know,” Aaron started, “that makes me wonder why you aren’t in college in the first place.”

“It’s not for me,” Rob said simply. “Either they’d never teach what I want, or they’d teach it too slow. Then, I’d be left with the mountain of debt holding me down. It’s never worth it. You don’t hire someone because of a piece of paper. You hire them because they’re fucking good at what they do.”

“Man,” Aaron laughed, “I wish it were that way.”

“If you go to a place that turns you down because you don’t have a degree, and hires someone worse than you to do the same job cause he has one, then fuck that job. It’s not worth it.”

But soon, the subject changed to other matters, and Rob’s passionite pleas against “the man” and all it’s shortcomings were faded away like the grains of sand, picked up by the waves and cast out into the dark pacific.

…

And Rob thought of this conversation as he looked to Aaron, now a half-decade later.

His body was more worn, and his beard thicker and fuller. His haircut more modern and dignified than his past, long locks, but his eyes were still the same. He was still the man of pragmatism. Get the degree, get the job.

Was Rob the same man? He used to be so much more passionate. He would never keep things or people in his life that didn’t matter, but what and who did matter, he stuck with. Because, deep down, what mattered was himself, and those who helped him or served him were always worth keeping around.

Rob was particular, forward, distant, and driven. Rob was unconcerned with others feelings and others rules. Rob marched on alone to what he wanted.

What was he now?

Maybe he didn’t know what he was, but he did know where.

Now, he was sitting in a diner on the far reaches of an already smaller city. Shitty food lay on his plate, and pools of grease gathered in undesirable chasms. A black coffee sat to his right. Aaron sat to his front, eating his own food. And outside, the night had long since come.

He had just told Aaron the story of In Bloom. Every last excruciating detail, from long lights tripping on acid to cool evenings spent on rooftops. From Adrianna to Anna, to Jane and to Zoe. His confused state, his time in smoky buses and his time in abandoned shelters. He laid it all out to Aaron over hours, and it was time for his old friend’s response.

But just before he did, Rob thought of the beach. And he couldn’t help but laugh at what a past Rob thought of the world.

If only he could see him now.

“Well,” Aaron began, “I’m just going to tell you the story you told me, and you tell me where you fucked up, alright? Who knows? Maybe it’ll help.”

Rob looked down for a moment. “Alright.”

“A boy and a girl are friends,” Aaron spoke. “Friends for years. They travel the country with their band, and after a night, the boy realizes that he had grown far fonder of the girl than he had thought before. And the boy has never felt this way before. He fears her reaction. He fears ruining what they had, or whether or not it’s worth it. The boy is afraid. But he tells her.”

Aaron takes in a deep breath.

“The girl tells the boy she’s scared too. The girl doesn’t think she’s good enough for the boy. The girl thinks she’s too bad for the good boy. But she decides to go for it, and the two get together. But the twist is, the girl was wrong. The girl changes herself for the boy, but the boy doesn’t change for the girl. The boy is afraid. The boy is scared of ruining what they have. The boy tells the girl he only wants what is physical, but the boy doesn’t even want that. He’s just afraid.”

Rob thought, but then laughed. “The boy is a dick.”

“And why is that?” Aaron asked.

“Because the boy never really told the girl how he felt,” Rob said, but his thoughts switched from the third person to the first. “I always hinted at it, but I never told her what I was thinking. What I wanted. What I was afraid of.”

“You said it,” Aaron said, “not me.”

“I guess,” Rob thought aloud, “I thought it was so much more complicated than that.”

“It’s never all that complicated,” Aaron said. “It’s just that, people can only react to what you give them.”

Rob thought about Aaron’s words, long after their conversation had ended and he was left in the hotel bar once more, sipping on a beer and watching the other patrons around him.

Maybe he hadn’t changed. Maybe he had just lost sight of what had mattered to him.

It really was so much simpler than he had ever made things out to be.

“Surprised to see you here,” a familiar voice came out behind Rob, he turned around.

Zoe was standing there with vacant eyes.

“I’d say the same thing,” Rob shot back. “What happened to the van?”

Zoe perched herself on the bar stool next to Rob. “Broke down. We’d get it repaired, but since we might be going on the European tour with you, our manager figured we’d just stay in some hotels until we figure it out.”

“Honestly,” Rob started, “I didn’t really think I’d ever see you again.”

“I’m not that kind of person,” Zoe said, flat. “If we’re going to be on the road together, the least we could do is make things amicable. I wouldn’t ever leave someone on bad terms. It causes bad shit to happen.”

“Like Anna,” Rob said, before downing some of his drink.

“Like Anna,” Zoe repeated after him. “So…Jane?”

“I don’t know,” Rob answered honestly, “but even if I did, I don’t know if I’d even say.”

“Good boy,” Zoe smiled. “You’re learning.” She stood herself up, and put a hand on Rob’s shoulder. “You’re not a bad guy, Rob. Really. I’m not going to hold it against you that you weren’t into me. But don’t hold it against Jane that she’s into you.”

And with that, she walked off, leaving Rob to dwell on what exactly just happened.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The first thing Rob noticed when he came to was that he smelled awful.

His long hair had curled from lack of care and was laced with dirt and oil. Perhaps having his head so close to the floor of the van wasn’t helping him in this department.

His arms were sore from being contorted in the van for several hours, and random parts of his body ached from their positioning as well. He blinked twice, looking up to the burred ceiling of the van until it came into focus, before sitting up and glancing down at his phone.

Before the screen had cut on, he could see his reflection, and felt even more disappointed in himself. Even like this, he could tell lack of sleep and the night before had royally destroyed his appearance. He tried to pay it no mind as the screen cut on, and Rob did the math in his head to figure out how far they would be from Kansas City.

It seemed to be another ninety minutes or so away.

Next he looked over to Jane, who lay curled in the seat ahead of him; her hoodie obscuring her face from his vision. A mixture of frustration, self-loathing, and anger filled him once he allowed himself to think on the events prior to this moment. He wondered briefly if there was anything left to fix, before looking away and making eye contact with Austin. There wasn’t much to say for what Austin may have thought of Rob. His expression said enough.

“I won’t ask,” Austin said, before turning around again. Rob sighed and leaned himself up against the side of the van, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the fact that his band hated him again.

…

Rob woke from his light sleep to feel the van parking itself rather quickly. Outside the windows, the last rays of sunlight were setting over the Kansas horizon, and the flatness of the world beyond was readily apparent. Rob could see the individual buildings much more clearly than in other cities; their silhouettes being accentuated by the gentle rolling landscape. Something was innately beautiful about that, Rob thought to himself.

But, looking up at the front of the van to see what was happening, his thoughts turned quickly to frustration.

They weren’t at a hotel. They were parked in front of another studio. And standing outside this studio was Harold.

Rob hadn’t seen the much in such a long time, but this typical look was still very much the same—as deliberate and precise as ever. He held his hair short and cropped, with a slight quiff on the front end, as if to try and stay relevant past his age. He kept a very specific, detailed five’o’clock shadow, and his dark eyes shot straight into whichever target he had chosen. And in this moment, that target was Rob.

Rob climbed out of the van and approached him, wanting to be over with this conversation. He first held out a hand facetiously, then: “Harold,” he said, short.

Harold shook the hand. “You look like shit.”

“You look the same.”

Harold laughed slightly, possibly from either the awkwardness of the conversation at hand or to lighten the mood (Rob did not know which), and continued. “How are the others?”

“Ask them yourself,” Rob said. “I haven’t really had a conversation with Austin and your son in a week or so.”

“And Jane?”

Even if Harold had a valid excuse to inquire about the relationship between Rob and Jane, it was no less aggravating to have to talk to his manager about that. “We’re working stuff out.”

“So you’re fighting,” Harold said bluntly. “I figured.”

Behind Harold, a familiar face slipped out from the dark of the studio. Looking the same as ever, Aaron approached. He held his own pseudo-hipster style, with the sides and back of his head closely cropped and the top in a long, slicked back style. He dressed like he was heading to a party constantly, but something about seeing an old friend made him feel much better.

“Aaron!” Rob exclaimed, pulling his friend in for a quick embrace. “I thought you were meeting us in Europe.”

“Harold wanted me to get familiar with being around you guys before the trip. Plus, I wanted to slow you the new designs in person. They’re in my hotel room.”

“I’ll have to see them,” Rob smiled. He wanted to keep talking to his friend. Telling him what had been happening. Explaining his frustrations. But other matters were at hand. Namely, Harold: “You ever find a sound guy?” He asked his manager.

Harold shook his head. “Still trying to get a name out of your bandmates,” he explained, “but no luck so far. We can make it through the first two shows or so without it. But tonight, we’ve got to get this song recorded.”

Rob quickly realized why Aaron had been at the studio. And it wasn’t just some surprise. It was a morality-booster orchestrated by Harold after he had heard Jane and Rob were having issues. From Sam, no doubt. The lack of privacy in these matters continued to plant more seeds of frustration in him, but the need to record this song seemed to be great. Their privacy from the press only served as a reminder to the public that something bad was brewing inside In Bloom. And the public could thing it was the photos of Jane that had leaked that had caused the meltdown. In reality, it was just a symptom of a greater problem.

“I’ll do what I can,” Rob said to Harold as he walked past. “But good luck getting the others to play along.”

Tensions were clearly at an all-time high within the group, and Rob was unsure of whether or not the others would play along and record a song in the night. He was surely willing to, however. Whatever it took to put the stress of all of this madness behind him.

Rob went inside, and sat down at the drum set set up for him. Whoever had set it up had clearly been watching Rob play—the style was exactly how he would’ve done it.

Aaron came in soon after and the two talked for a bit, until the other members slipped into the room.

Rob’s major flaw seemed to be growing ever stronger due to the chasm between him and Jane. His tendencies to say nothing as he weighed the world around him only grew stronger as the time passed. And, each time he saw Jane, the idea of trying to approach her and fix things seemed so difficult and stressful, he kept trying to ignore the issue. The frustration of his own flaws and the hole he had dug himself into was only serving to make him desire to ignore the issue.

In short, he was a mess. And he didn’t know what else to do about it besides shut down.

And when he was a mess, he diverted back to what he was always good at—focused, driven drum playing.

But before the session started, Rob thought just slightly of the conversation he had had with Jane in a hotel room what seemed like forever ago. The kiss she had given him—their first. Her sacrifice of her own personality in order to please him. To be with him.

So what the hell had he given up to be with her?

The thought haunted his mind.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Fuck.

As soon as the door had shut behind Jane, Rob knew.

In his rush to confront the emotions he was feeling and hastily talking to Jane without realizing the weight of his words, he had irrevocably altered the state of the relationship. His mind could endlessly play out a thousand ways of the thousands of words he could have said, but it didn’t matter anymore.

Jane left.

…

Several hours later, Rob found himself back in the hideout Trent and Zoe had found the night before. But it was daytime, and the footfalls of other park patrons echoed within the empty walls as they passed nearby. It was some time before Zoe slipped into the hideout, sitting opposite Rob. She took in a deep breath, and the two didn’t say much at first.

“I’m guessing it’s about—“ Zoe started, before Rob could feel her eyes lock onto his. He knew they were probably a deep, bloodshot red at this point. Died salt itched at his sinuses, giving the air a nasty smell.

“That bad?’

Rob nodded. He felt much more stable than he had the past few hours; the nicotine and alcohol had helped, and it was aways better with a buzz.

“This one’s on me,” he said. He felt his legs slipping closer to his chest. “I know she was worried. She talks to Andy some. I’m sure he’s talked about he and you hanging out a lot. And after the fight and she got sick…I thought I was hurting her by doing all this to get away. So I asked if we could be casual.”

“Oh, no,” Zoe said, her soft voice giving off just a slight bit of rasp as she said it. “You didn’t…”

“I did,” Rob said. He nodded to himself to give him the reassurance that it had actually happened. “For me I thought I was sparing her while I figured me out. She probably thought I was asking for a license to fuck.”

“And you didn’t tell her any of that, I’m assuming?” Zoe asked.

“What do I say?” Rob said. His voice raised slightly in defense. “Look, at this point in my life, I don’t know how to justify any of the shit I feel. I haven’t had a serious relationship in years, and even that was basically casual sex. Maybe I gave off the impression that I wanted something serious at some point in my life. Jane thought it, surely. She even told me. But she could’ve been a fucking nun this whole tour and I doubt the outcome would’ve been the same. I doubt I would’ve been here with you. Because I don’t know what I want and I end up fucking it up for other people. I fucked up the band when I was trying to tell her and I’m fucking it up now.”

Zoe sat silent, letting Rob ramble on.

“She does so much shit for me, you know that? Like, she does everything in her power to make sure I’m happy and I just run off. Then I ask to tone it down. And then, I’m fucking narcissistic enough to think I am the one that’s doing her the favor! Why can’t I just be who she thinks I am, you know? She thinks I deserve someone constant. That she’s the crazy one.”

Zoe sat up, brushing some black strands of hair from her face. “Look,” she started, “I’m not the biggest Jane fan. You know that. Personally, it pisses me off that she gets up that and goes all ‘female-empowerment’ on everyone when her whole image is based off of the novelty of a promiscuous rocker woman. And I get it, she probably didn’t design her image, but that’s besides the point. I sit behind the bass and I play music, and if people care that I’m a woman, great. But I won’t flaunt it and take advantage of the fact that people give a shit about that sort of thing now.”

She sighed. “That being said, for all your thoughts and feelings, or whatever, you sure do the minimum amount of talking. And, I mean, shit, I’m sure you’ve told me more than she’s ever heard.”

Rob’s silence proved her point.

“Do you even want to hang out with Jane anymore?” Zoe asked.

“Of course I do,” Rob said. “She’s my best friend. I just don’t know about this romance we’ve started. It’s made everything so fucking—“

Rob’s mouth stopped moving the moment Zoe’s lips crashed onto his.

For a brief moment, Rob was frozen, stuck between receiving her kiss and pushing in deeper into it. But before he could make the choice, his head slipped back, and he opened his eyes, locking onto Zoe’s.

Both of them were stuck just inches from each other’s face. Both breathed in heavily, coming to terms with what had happened. But Zoe’s face hardened first, and she sat back, leaning against the wall once more.

“If you didn’t want to be with Jane,” Zoe said, “you would’ve fucked me by now.”

As Rob tied together the pieces of information, Zoe slipped out of the hideout, traveling back to the path and far away, until her footsteps could be heard no more. But before she had gone back earshot, he heard her say:

“You’re loyal. I’ll give you that much.”

—

By nightfall, Rob had been stationed in the hotel’s bar and drunk far past the limit. The hotel manager that had been so kind as to let him slip out the back had to come out and quietly tell him they could not serve him anymore. They did, however, offer a bottle of spirits in return for Rob’s cooperation, as they led him to his room.

And as the door shut behind him, Rob was alone, massively drunk, and holding even more alcohol. The lights were off, and Rob barely set the bottle onto the counter, nearly missing it completely. Next, he slipped into the main bedroom, only to find Jane missing.

Odd, he thought to himself. His wasted mind could only think in sparse sentences. It’s late. I wonder where she is.

Rob slipped out into the bathroom, but couldn’t find her there. Next was the kitchen (he had already seen that. Why did he check again?) and the living room, before finally, the second bedroom.

The handle clicked softly as Rob tried to turn it—denying him passage into the room.

A wave of even more self-pity crashed over Rob—enough to send him wandering back to the kitchen and throwing up into the sink. His body shuddered as it looked to the contents of his stomach. It was nearly pure beer, it had seemed.

Moving through his own haze, Rob slipped into the bedroom, fell onto the covers, and fell asleep in half a minute.

—

And he was quickly awoken by banging at the door.

“Rob!” A muffled voice called out. “Jane!”

Rob picked himself up, wiping dried vomit from his mouth from the night before, and walked to the door.

Shit, he thought to himself, how many times did I throw up last night?

He opened the door to find a very panicked Austin.

“Dude, where have you—“ he started, before noticing just how bad Rob looked. ”Holy. Shit.”

“What?” Rob asked.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so much like shit in my life, dude,” Austin said honestly. “What happened to your arm?”

Rob looked down to see dried blood sprawled out randomly across his left forearm. Shrugging he looked back up to Austin. “I don’t know.”

“Jane?” Austin asked.

Rob shrugged.

“I was going to say,” Austin tried to continue, “Where have you been? But you clearly don’t know. So I’ll figure it out later. But we were supposed to leave for Kansas City yesterday.”

“What?” Rob asked. His incredulous voice showed Austin he was genuinely serious, but the more his mind tried to awaken from the straight poison that flowed through it the night before, the more he realized—they were supposed be in Kansas City.

“Look,” Austin continued, “Sam and I got caught up with other things, too, so it’s not just you and Jane. But Harold is blowing his fucking top over this. He wanted to cancel tonight’s concert so we’d have more time to record. And, looking at you, man, we probably should.” Austin looked over Rob’s shoulder, seemingly for Jane, before: “Whatever. We’ll talk later. Just pack your shit and get into the van as soon as possible. We’re parked out back.”

Rob nodded, closing the door on Austin and moving to the kitchen. He methodically cleaned his arm, and looked at the time as he did so:

7:07 A.M.

Rolling his eyes, moved forward, and knocked twice on the door Jane lay behind.

“Hey,” he called out. He tried to hide his slurred speech. “Apparently we were supposed to be in Kansas City yesterday. I’ll, uh, meet you at the van, then. It’s out back.”

Rob froze for a moment in front of her door.

“Sorry,” was all he managed to say, before throwing his things into a bag, leaving the room, and making it into the van as quick as he could.

It all felt like a blur. A dry, emotionless blur. After the night he had before, all he wanted to do was sleep. He didn’t even talk to anyone when he got into the van; he simply slipped over to the back bench, only to find it occupied with two new amps.

“I found a cool tone out of these in a shop downtown,” Sam started. “I wanted to use them for the new track, and I didn’t know if Kansas City would have them, so…”

Sam droned on, far past Rob’s level of caring, so he tossed the pillow on the floor in front of the seat, sprawled out of the floor, and draped his blanket over himself.

Kansas couldn’t come soon enough.