Avatar of Savato
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    1. Savato 12 yrs ago
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@Write Alright bro, let me just give you a few pointers before either a colleague or myself reviews you:

-You're being that ONE GUY with the different CS. That alone isn't a BIG issue, however it does bring one problem: We have it organized in a specific manner to make it easier for us to check on certain information. Yoshua's CS' are cool and all but they mostly fit his RP's. The biggest problem I have is the Canon Just not being sorted by Rank. Plus it literally only takes five minutes to transfer information from this CS to the other. The special traits can be put in fighting style (chakra levels aren't too relevant in this RP for many reasons).

-Personality is short. Doesn't have to be massive, but it is shorter than many of your custom jutsu, like c'mon.
@Write You may join yes yes c:
@Mugin Seems legit. The Heterosexual thing was a joke to mock stupid SJW's, he can be hetero. I approve, post him in the char bin with a cool title and send me your skype by PM if you wanna join the chat!
Took Partisan's style here. Anyway, review is red.


Aoi Don Maquia


Summer Time





For some reason her senpai seemed a little more whiny than usual, pointing out just how innocent he was in this how dilemma despite the fact that he as already judged and condemned by Aoi. It satisfied her pseudo-sadistic desires to mess with the two, more notably her senior, by having them fight and making her win no matter the outcome. At least he had a place to stay thanks to Chokashi's exaggerated generosity, something rarely seen nowadays with people becoming a lot more individualistic and prideful over their own person rather than working as a collective. It felt strange but soothing for the clown, and that great sensation when be amplified when both contenders would show complete consent for the challenge she had imposed upon them, even if it originally were to make her simply win a new, free console.

"Okay then boys! How about we do it the morning before the BBQ?~ Dunno if Kiki will be in the mood but I'm defo in the mood for some butt kicking before the feast, that way we'll be extra hungry~"

She suggested, already imagining the feast she'd have at the Akimichi's with only a simple performance to do in return. The documents were finished and she just realized she was still holding the papers, and as such she'd duly give them back to their rightful owners. All they had to do now is sign and give them to the correct authority and they were good to go as ninja. She was now standing up and stretching hr back real quick, making a long, loud yawn in the process like there as no shame to be felt. Then came Daisuke's inquiry concerning possible job offers in town nowadays. Poking her lower lip with her index finger, she thought for a second with a few 'hmm' to go with it.

"Hmmm ... How about ... Oh I know! Yamato's dad's assistant's assistant's or whatever ... Was looking for some tough guys for bodyguard duties or something funny like that! Maybe you should apply to him?! Wait I'll write down his number for you!"

She nabbed the pen she had used to fill out the forms and went along to grab a post-it from the lounge's computer section so she could write down the combination of numbers she promised Daisuke. The number in question wasn't too long, hence her ease in remembering such a random thing, for some reason. Once done, she'd walk back to the hairier Daisuke and quickly grabbed the opportunity to bounce up and slap the post-it's sticky edge on his forehead.

"Here ya' go, Senpai. Oh! I'm still calling you senpai~ But ... I'm a Jonin, teehee~ Tell you what, if you lose that upcoming spar, you have to call me Aoi-sama-sensei and I'll call you Dai-chan! If you win ... We'll see!"

She added salt to the inevitable injury he was going to have in this soon to be event. Not that he could do much about it really, when Aoi was hellbent on getting something one had better not get in the way, no matter how good their reason was. Now that the boys were all set, they had no reason to stay and Chokashi even had the nerve to ask to be dismissed before she'd even suggest it. Not that she actually noticed that detail as she simply bowed back in a somewhat clumsy manner to both of them, signaling that they could go whenever. She wasn't going to follow them, she had much more interesting plans involving finding the most expensive 3DS being sold at this moment on her phone's search engine.
@Mugin Make sure to tell us when you've finished editing!
@Mugin Okay we're going to start off SLOW. Meaning that, you're going to stick to ONE CHARACTER for now, alright? I'm not a fan of character hoarding, especially with one being Life release and the other Dust release (Good luck having that ever validated).

For your current character:

-What's the point of Sage transformation if it's just a staple to compensate the fact that we've denied Sage mode? I mean it's barely used or expanded on other than some random bonus.
Also, it's my favorite Kekkei Genkai in Canon, meaning my ridiculously biased opinion will push me to deny it quite easily if simply used as I've stated above, which it is right now.

-Water-Heavens Convergence sounds ridiculously strong. Knighthawk wanted the same power as a KG, it was righteously denied. This won't be an exception.

-Okay for your summonings. Manda II is out of the question lololol. Why not make your own Custom Summonings instead of taking already dead characters? The giant salamander isn't that bad since Ibuse was far from being that big, so that's actually acceptable as a C rank.

-The Customs for your summonings aren't a problem in themselves. The issue I have is that your character should be more focused on summons rather than having random ninjutsu, a Kekkei Genkai I'll likely have a hard time digesting and a bunch of complimenting summons.

You character is just all over the place in terms of techniques and needs reevaluation. I would suggest choosing the direction he should take and stick to it, otherwise he'll end up really subpar in all these levels and be an easily defeated mess.

I want to add that your fighting style needs so retconning, because Sage transformation CAN have links to summons but it isn't Senjutsu in the pure sense, it simply utilizes natural energy in a different fashion. Plus if you do you use Sage Transformation, certain jutsu come with it, they're not freebies. As I said before, this Kekkei Genkai seems to be just some random thing you put there just to use Natural energy when you can just be a summoning specialist (and later be some random sage that you've EARNED).

Now for non-fighting:

-Personality is WAY too short, like as big as C rank customs. That won't come to pass.

-If I recall correctly, Juugo's clan is a bunch of people who couldn't master Sage Mode, and became crazies. They came from Ryuchi cave, not Otogakure.
Why would Konoha accept him in? Why would they need some random kid with an obviously very dangerous Kekkei Genkai? He's not even from a major village so exchange program is a big no.
So he randomly found three very hidden areas that were said to be pretty difficult to find all because he wanted to be a sage? Which of course he'd fail hard since his body was predisposed to suck at it. So it's just for random summonings? Why does it have to be the Main Protagonist stuff as if he were so special he had magical acceptance from all these places just as Naruto or Kabuto had? This part is just really strange and irrelevant, you can have Toad summons without being in Myoboku, heck Naruto got his first summons by just making a contract. This kind of smells like Special snowflake syndrome.

That's about it really. I think that you really need to re-work this because some parts simply don't add up and are just out of place. Tell me when you've decided on what to change.


Chihiro Hyūga ; N.C.4


We Were Careless





As they were escaping, Chihiro kept her Byakugan active to scout out the few remaining perimeter control Shinobi. All the while N.C.4 had released three of its "Cookies", dragonfly-like drones to seek out the potential sensors. Once Chihiro detected one of these sensor nins, the drone would lock on the direction she'd be pointing at, allowing N.C.4 to shoot them at the temple with a wire bullet. It wasn't too long after that they'd finally make it to a dense forest between the rocky mountains and the now chaotic village. They would stop for a moment, mostly because of Chihiro's current condition, taking the time to recuperate and think of their next action. They didn't seem to be followed by anyone so it appeared they were out of the biggest problem. Now they just had to arrive at Konoha before the Hokage's speech.

But as they were ready to head off into the gloomy darkness of the forest, the terrible screeches of battle echoed through their headset as Gin's transmitter was still receiving. The robot was relatively unmoved by this, only trying to acknowledge what could possibly be going on there. Chihiro on the other hand understood perfectly well and stopped only a few feet away, her fist bashing the nearest tree trunk as her tears leaked out and her pain accentuated more than ever in her wound.

"Jun... I can't... We have to go back! This is insane!"

She cried while imploring for the heartless team leader's change of heart, unaware of just how the grand scheme of things truly was at this point. Her life was valuable and the pendant she still held was worth all their lives at this point. N.C.4 fixated her with the same, blank look as it often gave to pretty much anyone. This time it understood perfectly well what was going on, she grew too attached to the liability that was Gin.

"No. We move."

It coldly responded without a shred of sympathy for their more than likely fallen comrade. It immediately turned to keep walking but stopped dead on its tracks when it easily noticed Chihiro's lack of compliance. She wasn't going to budge as she only glared at the robot, resentful for its choice despite it being the best one most likely. It was a couple of second after that she'd sudden lunge herself back toward the fallen Gin's general direction, prompting the humanoid machine to swiftly turn around and charge in right at her. She wasn't going to listen to reason and she was hurt, as such the best option would be the following.

"Jun, you better not be fucking sto-..."

Before she could finish her warning, she'd feel a hard slap on the back of her head break her balance and quickly render her to a state of unconsciousness. The 11th Corp agent sighed for a moment and paused to look up at the star riddled sky. For once it took some time to breathe and wasn't bothered by the burden of its teammates all the time. For an instant, it too felt an ounce of regret in terms of its choices that could have maybe led to better survivability of all the members despite probability calculations it ran. It would then pick up the Hyuuga heir in a piggy back and headed straight toward the mountains where they'd be almost undetectable with the path they had chosen from the very beginning.

7 am - 5 hours before the Hokages Speech


After a few hours of walking, the uncertain trail through the chain of maintains came to an end and the robot would take another break. It had been carrying the wounded Chihiro for the entire ride and needed some time to recuperate its stamina. By then the transmitters were destroyed to avoid any detection or association to the mission. Chihiro was still out cold, partially due to her body being so strained by also the hit wasn't light at all. After a few minutes, the android sighed in realization that they'd be very just in their arrival, despite being at the border of the two countries. There was still at least 4 hours left of travelling as it wasn't the most efficient route they were taking, but the safest.

As it kept hopping from tree to tree with the wasted Hyuuga on it, N.C.4 could only contemplate what was her attachment with that nobody, Gin. She agreed to this mission and yet put his life before all of this, even after his pleas. These were the irrational emotions the 11th Corp tried to delete just as Root did, although they had actually succeeded with the creation of the being contemplating that same fact. With this analysis, it understood perfectly now why it was created and of course embraced that idea as any creation would. But it couldn't help but wonder how the emotions felt, after all it could still feel worry and physical pain as well as stress. Would these emotions actually be efficient if mastered by an evolved being like itself? The robot was endlessly curious in that level, sometimes a little too much over trivial things, but this even did make it wonder. More and more questions popped up such as the death of Fi being of any relevance in the end or if the destruction of the whole Castle was of any relevance, if anything it got them to this mess in the first place.

After a decently long trip, it'd arrive to the borders of the village with about half an hour to spare. Evidently in a rush, it'd try its best to wake Chihiro up with a few nudges and calls, but despite her increasing movements, she didn't actually awake yet. It'd only be when a squad of 11th Corp agents would circle the two that N.C.4 would adopt a more calm posture while Chihiro finally awake. What she would see however would be a tall being peering down at her and Junshiro. That person was wearing a mask and a hat just like all the people around her. Except he seemed to mention something she couldn't hear but prompted the robot to drop her down without hesitation. N.C.4 did't even look at her as it marched right into the village, leaving her behind as if they hadn't lived anything. The young Hyuuga could witness this more than bizarre event with her half closed eyes.

The masked man would get on one knee and slid his hand on her pocket to extract the pendant they had recovered from the mission. He'd then remove his mask and reveal himself to be the Jonin commander himself, Fujitora Choko. All he did was smile at the barely conscious girl before gesturing something to one of the agents.

"Mission complete, Chihiro. Shikaji Nara would be pleased if he were still on the council. Unfortunately... Heh, a couple of hours earlier and you'd have caught him."

He'd tell her before standing back up while the pendant illuminated itself. It would morph into a strange, small scroll when opened would project a hologram containing massive amounts of information, some of which contained the 11th Corp's insignia. With just a few glances, Fujitora smirked before crushing the scroll, causing it to burst into flames in the process. The item they worked hard to get was left to burn into nothingness, as if this was all part of something they could barely even comprehend. A couple of 11th Corp agents grabbed a hold of the Hyuuga and escorted her to the base. She'd later wake up in a dark room with only a chair she'd be sitting on and a table before her. She was also cuffed with chakra sealing tools to prevent any escape.






Aoi Don Maquia


Bois, U Dun Goofed!





Just as she dove in he game and complimented her greatness, Daisuke had claimed the papers for himself despite never getting the authorization from Aoi. At first, she just stared blankly at her game screen, trying to realize what was wrong with that picture before her. Before she'd notice the papers gone at the corner of her eye, Daisuke made it clear he had taken them and was leaving the scene without her accord, prompting the girl to puff her cheeks in irritation. She had given her signature and yet the form wasn't complete, as such she wasn't too happy that her Senpai took her initiative for granted and simply walked away with an approved form. She realized she was busting her head for no reason but she had to let it out anyway, after all it wouldn't be her Senpai if she didn't annoy him a bit.

"Oi! Come back here with them papers! They're MIIIIIIINE!"

She wailed, her John Hancock being the symbol of her competence for her at this point, even if it was just a lousy sheet that could easily be rectified or fixed by the albeit slow administration. She did seem all stirred up as her glare didn't escape Daisuke's figure until Chokashi captured her attention with, you guessed it, free food again. This time with money added to it for a rather easy thing she commonly did. At first she tried to picture the massiveness of an Akimichi BBQ as it was something she only heard stories about as of now. She blinked, completely disconnected from the issue she got so worked up on and simply beamed at her tubby colleague while scratching the back of her head.

"Teehee, okay I'll see~ I have to ask Kiki if she wants to come though! Now scram and get those piccies!"

And with those orders, they quickly made their way there probably without even acknowledging what she said. Not that she cared too much, she had her DS opened and a game to finish so she could make Akio feel bad about being so lame at it. With what appeared to be long minutes for the two was a swift moment for Aoi who dove deep into her playing session. When they came back they presented the set of pictures, all of which were rather ridiculous and wouldn't fit the picture criteria. But, unlike most Jonin, formalities were to be respected until she got severely bored of them and simply said 'fuck it' to everything of relevance. Using her gooey bungee to snatch the documents off them, she'd then glue each respective silly pic on the docs, finally making them somewhat official.

"Mkay Mkay boys~ You did a super sloppy work! And as your superior, sanctions must be made!"

She rubbed her hands in villainy upon putting away her gaming device away and standing up, preparing a nasty twist for the two males who were obviously getting on her good side. She'd look at each in the eye before bursting into an over the top laughter that probably tried to imitate some evil villain's maniacal laughter.

"Mwahahaha! Tell you what~ You two have a fight in a few days or whatever, and the loser has to buy me a new 3DS! Winner gets to go with me on a future mission, and maybe even a little spar~ If you both refuse I'll have to make you sign the ... PRELIMINARY PAPERS! Mwahahaha!"

She laughed even more but the heinous threat was quite true this time around. It was the horrible pile of paperwork every shinobi would have to do upon graduating, including a quick test that could easily be missed if not focused and cause a whole lot of extra work for nothing. Essentially, they both asked for it but at least she made the sanction fun enough to make it relevant to their upcoming shinobi duties, as well as serve as entertainment for her.
@Mugin Yes we are!


Aoi Don Maquia


Time to Work Guys!





With Daisuke duly giving Aoi the multiple digits that composed his ID number, the clown noted them all one by one in order to complete the vast majority of the form. But there was still a piece remaining other than signatures and validation toward the board. He needed a small profile picture that would generally fit his description and Daisuke would announce his desire to change his look eventually, making the whole process a whole lot longer than it should be. She fixated the bald man for a moment, her expression displaying nothing positive. She did look quite exasperated when her senpai went on about talking about his life when clearly something wasn't going to go right with his application documents if he was missing a crucial piece. Rolling her eyes, she thought for a second before coming up with a quick and practical idea.

"Senpai! You should definitely transform yourself to fit your future hairstyle and take a picture at the booth outside! If you do that for me I'll help you get accustomed here~"

She'd more or less order him to do as she bit the end of her pen with a small but visible devilish grin. She knew very well what would be his fate with that booth out there, the machine working only half the time unless he'd actively tap it and probably sacrifice more than one coin. But it was the price he had to pay for having things done quickly after all. Following that set of information, a new face would enter the scene. Though Aoi knew this man already, it was a rare thing to see such an imposing figure with a build even bigger than Daisuke's. It was Chokashi, a real Akimichi who had apparently been directed by one of the staff so she could deal with him. To add to the delight of his arrival, even if he was late, there'd be a free bento proposed, something she just couldn't ignore. She'd giggle at the hair remark the big young man made before introducing the two.

"Awww hey Chokashi, that's so nice of you~ Thanks! Oh oh oh! Before he goes off~ Chokashi, Daisuke. Daisuke, Chokashi!"

The harlequin would seem more cheerful after her little scheme in making her senpai suffer the booth of horrors. Nabbing his old papers, she'd quickly skim over them before disregarding everything she was doing in favor of feasting on the free meal she was given. Her chopsticks when wild as she didn't give the meal a chance. Despite her dedication to the food, she did skim over the old documentation's information, tossing aside paper after paper with the tip of her shoe. Eventually she'd see the front page with the old picture he had on it, and of course she'd shake her head when she noticed just how young he was at the time and how different he'd inevitably be now. Looking up at him, she'd smirk.

"Teehee~ You're gonna have to bromance with Senpai's bald head, because you also need to take a new picture at the booth! Make sure that you both take the B sizes!~"

She'd warn them before resuming her bento. As she rapidly terminated the main course, she attacked the misou soup, though this could easily be handled with one hand. Consequently her left hand would fill out the new form by just copying the old information and modifying certain information she was qualified of doing by rank. To finish the job without having them wait any longer than they should, she'd sign both set of documents with the date inscribed in both, so all they would have to do is stick the picture and sign themselves. Now she waited, as the inevitable fate they would meet with the booth would at least take them a little time. So, while waiting, she did what any professional of her caliber would do: Play a portable console game.

"Pfff, Kiki is so lame, she can't even finish this water temple. Ha! I finished it in ten minutes~"

She'd boast to herself, evidently she was good at this puzzle game, some how.
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