Tatterdemalion

Monster Hearts: Sleepshy Rise

Timmy deserves a chance to clap back before I post, but my primed action is to vanish into another world where she doesn’t have to deal with anything that’s going on here, much like my usual reaction to a breakup only much more literal.

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Kathelia!

There is confetti and cheering and Kyouko chanting your name while waving her pompoms. You are victorious! Please go ahead and show off the happy nerd bounce and victory dance.

To the victor go the spoils. You have plenty of time to celebrate with the worried King Isolde and the smug Dandy before the next event in the Winner’s Tent. There’s cupcakes in there, and a battle chess cake!

***

Mittens!

You are flushed and poisoned and exhausted from helpless cocoon wiggles. You are squirming, red-faced, as you stand before the booing crowd with your sulky team. Adila I and Azora are not on speaking terms, and the silence between them is icy.

“Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part! TRUTH! OR! DARE!” Eupheria manages to look intimidating even in the bridal gown. It’s probably the leather jacket she threw over it that makes it look dangerous. “Go ahead, step on up!”

The platform in front of you glows ominously. Darn it. You can hear laughter and celebration from the Winners’ Tent, even as Azora shoves her way in front of everyone else.

***

Adila!

“Truth!” Azora preens on the magical platform of Truth or Dare, as lights shine all around her and its rim spins like a top, before settling. A vast Sphinx made of neon light and shimmering frozen fireworks emerges from the depths of the platform with a terrible cry, suddenly, causing Azora to squeal and fall flat on her butt.

“TELL ALL WHO WITNESS... YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CHILDHOOD MEMORY.”

“Oh my gosh,” Azora says, “well, like... when I was a kid, Kazzie once tricked me into thinking my stuffed owl had flown away and left me behind, and I cried sooooo much that Daddy had to spank her until she told me the truth!”

“TRUTH HAS BEEN SPOKEN. YOU SHALL REMAIN... UNPUNISHED.”

Rita gulps next to you. “Oh, spice and sand,” she murmurs fearfully.

[Princesses! Tell us all your choice, and what terrible prompt you are given by the Sphinx of Truth or Dare!]

Monster Hearts: Sleepshy Rise

SECOND PLACE
WEREWOLF MAGNET

Margot? Ewwwww!! Color rises to Elodie’s cheeks as she recalls the humiliating, flustering, confusing experience of being stuffed in a duffel bag with her, and making out with her in front of her one true love. No, no, no, Mister Sam, you’ve got this all wrong! She opens her mouth to explain.

“Margot? Mister Sam, she’s a werewolf. And a jock. Even in her human form, she’s sweaty all the time, and musky like an animal, and she can’t stop herself from drooling when she gets excited.” Okay, wow, harsh, but that olfactory battering is... what you remember, very strongly, yes...

Elodie’s voice drops a sepulchral octave. “And that’s what I love about her.”

?!?!?

“By Hades, I can’t be in the same room with her without thinking about how much I want to lick every inch of her clean, and then let her lick her mouth’s scent all over me~” Hold on hang on she has Confusing Feelings about stinky werewolves but wait just a darn minute here!!! “I want her to hotbox me in a locker until I can’t think about anything other than puppies.” That is categorically not true!!! “But can you imagine my reputation if I openly stooped that low? Being the girlfriend of the only human in Sleepshy, that’s a position with status.” No no no shut up Ellie that’s not why you want to be with Timmy, it’s because he’s enticingly normal! You... you want to... is that really why you want to be with him?

“Being a werewolf jock’s bitch... it’s what I touch myself to at night, as much as I put on appearances for everybody else. It’s humiliating, but... well, if I can’t admit it in confidence here, with my besties, where can I? I want her to rub her hairy, fit body all over my face, I want her to sit on me and make me yelp and whine and admit she’s my Alpha, and I can’t be honest about my depraved fantasies of being overwhelmed by her heady musk because they’re so shameful! That’s why I’m grooming Timmy to be my beard. He’ll be such a handsome little cuckold, don’t you think? I can just imagine him smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper in the living room while Margot leads me around on a leash in our bedroom. Domestic bliss! I have a house husband for financial security, and a werewolf Alpha to put me in my place and make me stink like the animals we are. Timmy’s so easily whipped, I’m sure he’d still give me kisses while my mouth stinks of my werewolf lover’s... oh, what do the wolves call it? Using the feline nickname seems so gauche, given the circumstances.”

Stop! Please stop! Why is she saying these things? Why is she speaking like she’s a hussy from the pits of Tartarus, and in front of Timmy? Why is her heart racing imagining Margot treating her tenderly, licking her so daintily, making her scent something to cherish, even while she says such filthy things? Is she just blurting out what she really thinks?

...no! In her most depraved fantasies about being a werewolf’s chew toy, she still doesn’t want to subject Timmy to that humiliation! She doesn’t want to make Margot feel ashamed for something she can’t control! And she definitely wants to smooch Timmy, maybe in a sandwich between him and Margot, and why is she crossing and uncrossing her legs so much???

Sam.

He’s staring at her so intently. He’s ever so slightly mouthing along, and he’s smirking so, so evilly! Elodie’s heart starts blaring out steam and bouncing furiously inside her chest. She is going to give him a piece of her mind, see if she doesn’t! She’ll give him the old one two! She’ll give him to Cerberus as a chew toy, and stop thinking about chew toys while he makes you talk about a girl you have really, really confusing feelings about! You have made an enemy for life! Or undeath!! However it works!!!

“So what do you think, Timmy? Oh, what am I saying!” She giggles, hiding her mouth behind one hand. “Your opinion doesn’t matter! You’ll go along with whatever I say because I’m pretty and you don’t have a spine. Now, thank Mister Sam for us, and let’s go find Margot, darling~”

If you were looking carefully at Elodie, you might see tears pricking in her eyes, running singly down her cheeks. But it is doubtful that anyone in the room save Sam can look her in the face right now.

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0

“You know, Eun— Errant, he’s just too smart for us,” Sara says in a stage whisper. “We need someone on his level.”

She gets up, struts away, and leaves the jar on the floor, tantalizingly in reach for anyone with arms.

She comes back five minutes later with a shabby, disheveled hobo of a man, and smiles so innocently. “Hey, Vic. Brought you someone you could actually have a real conversation with. Go ahead and make him an offer, bro.”

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Adila!

Your keen tactical mind surveys the field. You are the Princess of the Watch! You are a dragon, fierce and proud! You are—

“Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl, huh?”

Thump thump thump thump your tail is causing a small localized earthquake. Rita has you in a headlock and is doing finger things to your jaw, her fingers soft and clever, her voice smoldering and husky.

“Whoooosa smart dragon? Whooooooosa brave, good dragon?? Is it you? Is it you???”

Yes yes yes yes yes it’s you

“Is you a good dragon no matter what that mean old Wicked Queen says?”

yes yes yes yes yes

Ahem. Keen tactical mind. Here’s the rub: if Solid Adila loses, she will be absolutely furious. If she thinks you’re throwing it for her, she’ll be absolutely furious at you in particular, ostensibly because you’re risking Eupheria adding in new variables, but really because she’s secretly very proud. So the only way to get out of this without being viciously, icily chewed out is to lose, but in such a way that it doesn’t look like you’re losing on purpose.

On the other hand, if you let Kazelia win, she’ll probably be sooooo happy and jump up and down and, gosh, don’t you want to see your friend so happy?

As for the game itself... it looks like Eupheria’s adding pieces, members of her Nightmare Army. Chances are high they don’t mind putting the fear of the Queen into you by giving you a sound thrashing. Substitute yourself for a piece with caution.

In addition, it looks like Euphie’s adding her own Chaos Spaces to the board. Knowing her, landing a piece on such a space will change them, perhaps giving them an edge, perhaps weakening or humiliating them, perhaps just throwing a wrench into the meta. The luck-based element might throw the very competent commanders on each side into disarray.

For Team Leash, there’s Eska, of course. She’s sitting cross-legged, one hand under her chin, watching the assembly of the three-way board carefully. For Team Prance, it’s going to be Kazelia, naturally. And Team Spankies has Solid Adila. The real trick, for each side, is going to be keeping their team under control.

So maybe it’s for the best if you distract Rita by rolling over and showing her your tumtum for more scritchies. Yes. It’s a strategy.

***

Mittens!

“If we work together and you follow my lead,” Solid Adila says, inspirationally, “there will be a happy ending, Alina. I promise.”

And it almost lands! It really almost does! She’s got confidence, and just enough gentleness, and the way she says it, like she’s letting you into her confidence— it’s almost perfect!

Almost.

Here’s what you pick up, your little triangles folding back against your skull despite themselves: Adila I has a plan of some sort. She needs you to be a part of it. She wants you to trust her, but she has no intention of trusting you in turn. She thinks she needs to dazzle you and lull you into a false sense of security. There’s a likely chance that she intends to use you as a weapon against Euphie, and in turn, a likely chance that she intends to do something nasty to you once your usefulness is expended. It’s plain to see, if you have eyes to see it with, in the way she’s trying to put you at ease, the way she pats your shoulder, the way her inspirational smile doesn’t extend to the look around her starry eyes. She’s a fake.

You know what’s stopping you from hissing and biting her hand?

You saw the look she snuck at Euphie as she stalked angrily away. The look of maximum guilt. Of being, for a moment, lost and adrift. She’s locking herself into a dumb, bad, scheming plan because she thinks it’s her Duty and her Penance and blah blah blah. She doesn’t love Euphie in that way, you’re fairly certain. But she cares and she wishes she didn’t.

She fell and I did nothing.

That’s an admission of guilt. Of someone who sat alone in her tent with her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking silently, as she thought about all the things she should have done. The opportunities she had to step in. To acknowledge Eupheria’s feelings and heart, and find a way forward together. The chances she had to stop Eupheria from going to find the Caduceus in the first place.

She fell, and I should have done something. I should have stopped her. I should have caught her.

You open your mouth to say something, and that’s when Azora Howl wraps her arms around your stomach and hurk.

“Excuse me,” she sneers, as you flail helplessly, feet lifted off the ground, stomach squished, breathless, “you failed to take over Hyperborea, you stupid old hag. My daddy’s succeeding. So why don’t you shut up and let a real general take command?”

A vein throbs on Solid Adila’s forehead. “Who are you calling an old hag, brat?”

“Who are you calling a brat, geriatric? You should probably hang back and let the kitten sub in instead. You don’t want to break a hip.”

You could probably defuse this situation if you weren’t reduced to pained, helpless mews and whines. Why does Azora have to be so tall? It’s not fair!

***

Kathelia!

Looks like there are a few new elements to keep in mind. Chaos Spaces, adding some uncomfortable randomization to your strategy. The fact that your animated pieces are, instead, members of the Nightmare Army. And, of course, this is a three-way match. You’ll have to keep your eyes on both Team Leash and Team Spankies to win; if you overextend to take down one, the other might take advantage and crush you.

“Ah’m just a simple pony from my ol’ country roads,” Dandy says with a grimace, “but seems to me we should be takin’ down Alina first, yeah? She’s got both yer sister and the old bossy Adila on her team, and I don’t like the look of that.”

“Please don’t,” Isolde breathes, in Eupheria’s most dejected squeak. “She’s already miserable... please, don’t subject her to worse for our sake...”

“I don’t much care fer the notion of keelin’ over for both those varmits just cuz yer little girl’s stuck with ‘em,” Dandy grumbles.

“ALL RIGHT, YOU NERDS, LET’S GO! SHOW US ALL, WHAT YOU KNOW! GOOOOO PRINCESSES!”

The horns sound. The games have begun. There are cheers, and boos, and thrown popcorn kernels.

[Declare your strategy, tell us how your team struggles to work together and what unexpected hitches you hit, and then roll +Sense with Despair. Highest roll succeeds in their strategy. Misses do NOT count towards your Curse.]

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0

CLUNK!

“Ow!”

Hitting Victor was always at least a little bit on the table, so it’s not like she’s surprised Euna went there. It’s just a little more of a surprise that she picked Sara’s head to do it with.

It’s really a wonder the nanites don’t spill everywhere. Good thing the jar’s very, very effectively sealed. Like, you think the first thing they thought of wasn’t “hey, maybe we should put these things in a container he can’t open from the inside?” It’s very securely locked from the outside, thank you very much. As long as nobody drops the jar, we’ll be fine.

“What? It’s not like he’s going to remember it after he snaps out of the gas!” This is a wild assumption. “Besides, he’s right, it’s such a great name! Not about the whole message boards thing,” she adds, hastily, seeing steely death in her crush’s eyes, “but... it is the best.”

[- How could we best end this quickly?
- What here can I use to embarrass Victor in a fun way?]

Masks: Resurrection Roundabout

POTENTIAL 0

Oh. He knew about the calendar. Whoops. In her defense, fans are a bunch of horny little shits. That’s something she should... probably apologize for later?

But right now, she’s got her feet up on the table, a jar full of neutralized nanobots in her lap, and a phone pointed at Victor so that this happy memory never gets forgotten. Like, she’s not streaming it, she’s not that mean, but Victor’s getting a replay as soon as he breaks out of it.

“Hey, but at least you’re watching, bitch. That said... too bad you’re too much of a hippie to take charge when you’re not high on capitalism gas! That’d be a nice solution to a lot of problems.”

Having Euna’s back, that’s the most important thing. But it has to be said... it’d be nice to know what comes next. She’s walking forward in the dark, and the only warning she’ll get is Euna falling with her if it turns out there’s something wrong with the floor. Installing Victor in charge of AEGIS, at least that would be a plan. But as soon as the gas wore off, he’d dissolve it and fire everybody after signing them up for his anarchist newsletter.

She drums her fingers on top of the jar and feels the nanobots drunkenly hop inside.

“Speaking of the calendar,” she drawls, “we could get started on the next one right now. Want me to shut him up, Eunicorn?”

She waggles one foot in his face with the shit-eating grin of a sister who has her nerdy dweeb of an adoptive brother at her mercy, and zooms in the camera on his reaction.

Monster Hearts: Sleepshy Rise

SECOND PLACE
WEREWOLF MAGNET

Ugh, please. Vampires are not hot. You know when Elodie has seen most of her vampires? When they’re a pile of ashes, or staked and carrying their ghostly head under one arm. Blood? That’s just another bodily fluid.

Vampires are not hot at all, and the only reason Elodie is radiating more heat than the sun and incapable of tearing her eyes away from you as you undo each button, one by one, your pale fingers perfect as they do their work, is because you’re a teacher. TA. Same difference. You’re supposed to be grouchy and grilling students about homework, not talking in that velvety glove of a voice while ahahahahahahabs, you habs abs.

Timmy is sweet and perfect and ordinary and the kind of boy who will give her a white picket fence. She is not thinking about white picket fences right now. She categorically can’t. She is thinking about white picket abs. And about Miss Faucher, I have chosen to oversee your detention personally. Bend over the chair and hike up your skirt so the physical punishment may begin.

When you turn away from her, she lets out a strangled little whine and fidgets guiltily, because she’s here to save Timmy and not to have weird confusing and very inappropriate thoughts about the TA.

Go ahead and take that String, and tie it around her neck, please.

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Solid Adila!

Good soldier. Your successor interposes herself in order to keep you in optimal condition. You avert your not-eyes in order to avoid being blinded by the silver flash that leaves everyone else staggering about blindly— except for Kazelia Swiftlance, who’s groping around in the grass, looking for her missing spectacles.

This is a perfect opportunity to observe Eupheria’s reaction to an unexpected and attention-seizing assault, in order to optimize the Iluminan’s later theft of the Caduceus. You stand and wait a moment, in easy parade stance, as everyone else flounders. Typical princesses.

Eupheria screeches like a devil that’s just caught you cheating at shogi, and there’s a blast of silver light that rocks you back on your heels. You lean out of the way as the other Adila is sent flying, ripping the tent off the ground when she collides into the ceiling and shattering it into shards of quivering light, revealing...

Ah. Of course. An Olympic arena. Euphie always was an enthusiastic spectator of the asinine, convoluted “Noble Games.” Perhaps she had her toys play for her while... under incarceration. Yes. That‘s consistent with what you knew about her.

The hedges are impeccable, and so is the figure of the Grail on the left flank. The statuary is in Euphie’s stained glass style, and doubtless the supply plazas would be of a similar design. Now—

“Bad dog!”

Eupheria’s curse has materialized in the form of a makeover. Her previous outfit has been overwritten in favor of, presumably, what she intended for you. It is a bridal gown in the daring Imperial Konkon style: a snug bodysuit of white silk decorated with both lacy frills designed to emulate the flowers of the Archipelago and a white leather body harness and cuffs, trailing from which are a multitude of chains, each one with a lockable carabiner on the end for connection or restraint. A long half-skirt flows in a train behind her, but remains open in the front to show off her spindly legs. A white veil lies over her hair, muting its garish colors, and her lips are asymmetrically painted, with a full lower lip meeting an upper lip only painted in the center. Psychologically revealing: it’s possible she still harbors a childish infatuation for you, or that she wants to make you feel as if you have no control over your circumstances, hoping to put you off balance.

Naturally, she still holds the Caduceus tightly.

“Kyouko,” Eupheria says through furiously gritted teeth, herself thrown off balance by Adila’s daring, “announce the teams.”

“ASSUME! YOUR POSITIONS! LET’S! GO AND WIN SOME!” The Konkon heir shakes her pom-poms, kicking up with impressive flexibility. Eupheria did a good job of neutralizing the fox’s natural strengths of stealth and misdirection; she’s likely useless except as a distraction now. “PUPPY, DOLL AND SLAVE! GIVE IT UP FOR TEAAAAAAAM LEASH!”

Your successor, Eska, and the Askaian girl. Hopefully, she would be able to communicate more than “good at ball,” given her recent clarity. You would have to remind her of her duty, most likely, but—

“EUPHIE GETS HER BRAT A NEW HORSE! GIVE IT UP FOR TEAAAAAAAAM PRANCE!”

The Iluminan ex-king, the Felorian, and Kazelia Swiftlance. A solid block, one that would depend on Kazelia being able to take the reins, ha, and—

“AND THREE SPOILED BRATS! LET’S HEAR IT FOR TEAAAAAAAAAM SPANKIES!”

There is a chorus of boos from the vast stands encircling the arena. You have the attention of the Nightmare Army, which will likely serve to hamper escape attempts. More pressingly, you have the chance now to take the Cascade under your wing at a vital moment, provided you can sideline the Rider Princess.

You can work with this. Yes.

Eupheria flounces away, the ground rolling up to meet her feet as she marches up towards the Royal Box, her train dragging through the grass behind her, and you march over to take possession of the Cascade as the traditional pre-match Team Strategy hourglass turns and begins the steady trickle of sand down into the lower chamber.

[Please explain some of the rules of the Princess Olympics at this time, before the match properly begins.]

Princess-Champions of Hyperborea

Kathelia!

“TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT! WHO’S THE QUEEN THAT WE ALL HATE?! LET’S! BEAT! EUPHERIA!!!”

Princess Kyouko explodes into the tent, shaking her pom-poms, right as you put your glasses back on. This is unexpected for a lot of reasons. For one, you’d probably hoped that Kyouko would have avoided getting caught. Now you know that even if your allies are in the labyrinth, Eupheria’s happy to toss curses on them as well.

Also unexpected is the fact that Kyouko is wearing a magenta-and-sequins Labyrinth High top, a pleated miniskirt that keeps lifting up and flashing her panties every time she jumps, which she is doing a lot, and thigh-highs. And... okay, some princesses can rock pigtails, but sadly Kyouko really isn’t one of them. But that’s okay, because if she did look super cute in pigtails, you would probably expire on the spot.

“IT’S ABOUT TIME TO SEE US MEET; WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN’T BE BEAT! GOOOOOO TEAM PRINCESS!!”

And from behind her, Eupheria politely claps.

***

Adila!

“Well, well, well,” Eupheria says, sweeping in grandly. She’s turned Caddy into an umbrella, and has a tiny hat cocked on her magenta hair, and is generally dressed for a very posh day out at the athletic meet, cheering from the sidelines like a proper queen. Her corset is impossibly tight and her skirts don’t so much billow out as annex territory. Her hands fan her, hold her teacup, fan out a copy of Princess Sports Monthly, and make condescending little gestures.

“Eight little princesses! Isn’t that... so frustrating!” She sounds playful! You would know if she really was mad. She’s playing another game. “Today we’re doing triples, darlings, not a simple good princess against bad princess. Which means we need another competitor! Luckily, I’ve been giving it a careful think, and there’s someone here who thinks she can get away with not playing.”

There are a bunch of hands grabbing at you again, and you can’t move, as the umbrella-Caddy gleams. It’s a bad memory, and for a moment you’re back in Feloria and Oberon is forcing your jaw open, but this time Dandy’s standing right next to you, her eyes wide with horror. Then Euphie shoves her arm into your ear instead of your mouth and gwubarble—

***

Mittens!

You’re all frozen. It feels like you should be able to move, but you’re all helpless to do anything but watch. Your heart screams: stand up! Stop her! But it’s as if someone snipped the thread between your heart and your body, and you have to watch as Adila’s eyes spin and bounce around like the googly eyes of the glass dragon.

“Ahahaha, here we are,” Eupheria says, and yanks. What she drags out, for a moment, looks like a glyph made of intricate words, much like an Axonian dream-catcher. Then she smacks two hands on it hard, clap, and that frees everyone to move. Pandemonium breaks out in the tent as Adila howls, a heartbreaking sound, and everyone half-bolts forward—

And Euphie wrings Adila I out of her hands, dangling the starry-eyed young woman above the grass.

“Hey there, Addie!”

Adila I rallies as quickly as you’d expect. “You are aware I’m just an echo of the original, correct?” Maybe you should start calling her Echo Adila so there’s no confusion. Or Solid Adila, because oof, those muscles. “Enacting vengeance on me would be as pointless as torturing one of your art pieces.”

“You’re close enough for me, honeybuns~!” Eupheria tosses Solid Adila on top of Adila (Fuzzy Adila?) and summons up the Curse Generator with a wave of Caddy.

Momma clings tight to both you and Adila, and you’re not sure if it’s in support or desperation. Azora is sarcastically clapping. And Eupheria stands there, so dumb, so smug, maybe having just hurt your friend, and how dare she? How dare she?

Dandy actually takes a swing at her, and without even looking at her Euphie snaps her fingers and the farm princess socks Adila Prime right in her fuzzy jaw instead, having instantly turned around like she was her own reflection in a mirror. She gasps in horror and clutches the dragon-dog’s head tight to her chest. “Oh, oh, shucks and tarnation, Ah, Ah didn’t mean that, oh hayseeds...”