X
Before starting the review, I would like to express my disappointment in not having received an apology or gesture of amends. I think that, going forward, it would be most welcome and appropriate. After all, I believe it would demonstrate maturity and respect not just to me as a person but to the role I have as Persistent Galaxy Staff.
That said, let's get to the review!
A quick reminder on the spelling of her name is in order so it’s on this character sheet’s record as well. I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.
This doesn’t mesh well with how you describe her life’s story and how she evolved as a character. She’s been sold as a child into bondage, then she was trained by a dominatrix no less. She spent her earliest formative years as a Hutt entertainment slave, which to me seems you’re alluding to child or teen sex-slavery. I’m all for such a dark and depraved background. Something truly horrific shaped her which I would imagine haunts her. It is something she cannot shake and keeps pulling her back to the darkness. But that is not what is written here. Suddenly she’s saved by the Jedi only for her to run away after encountering a Sith. She survived the Korriban Academy and now works under Nyiss. This is a heavy backstory! How did she manage to hold onto her personality? Or, how – in light of all this - did she develop a bubbly, carefree disposition?
Minor, but I suggest you pick a different word than ‘rifleman’ to refer to her. Why does Therese accept Mylar as her owner?
I get the feeling you based it on anti-tank rifles from WW II. However, the way you describe it is a tad illogical (with the scope on an explosive gun and such). Tone it down from an anti-vehicle weapon to a projectile rifle. There is little evidence slugthrowers were anti-armor (vehicular) anyway, and it doesn’t work with Tinker’s designation as a carabineer.
I get that you like the Ebon Hawk, but again I’d like to point out to you that "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.
You make it sound overly important. Planets are vital points for the Outer Rim supply chain, a single estate would not be. Change it from Outer Rim to planetary importance to make more sense.
Interview
This entire segment has several issues:
Born of -> born in
A agricultural -> an agricultural
On the their -> on their
That all changed with the sith invaded -> changed when / changed with the sith invasion
Teaming -> teeming
It even afford -> afforded
Some semblance -> a semblance (some is already “in” semblance)
Mirial sided with the Empire early on. Why did her folks run? Why did they leave? Why did they not join the Empire? Their estate would have been a good bargaining chip.
The they -> they
Pilgrimage -> pick a different word, because this implies it was intentionally temporary.
To Hutt Cartel -> to the Hutt Cartel
You say they had a daughter while active on the Corellian Run, but only state she was taken to Ryloth after. Therefore it seems as if Ryloth is not her place of birth. The chronology between the second and third paragraphs regarding this is a bit off, or too unspecified. Also, it sounds like they were ok to sell off their daughter. Was this the case? Did they fight it? Why did they give up their child to return to the Republic?
The tense and subsequent structure are wrong in this one.
The more the jedi to assuage -> a verb is missing here
She encounter -> wrong tense
Encounter the sith, and a small window into […] -> that dependent clause is incomplete as your referral to ‘encounter’ doesn’t work with ‘small window’. I suggest ‘was afforded a glimpse into’ or ‘given a small window’ or some such.
What mission are you speaking of? When was this? You say she’s 23 now, that means she would have been around 16 or 17 when the war ended.
“boogieman of the Dark Side” -> “the boogiemen”. This would most definitely not have been the case. The Galaxy has been at war for over two decades. Jedi would portray the Sith as the true enemy, the greatest menace. Some would even call them evil incarnate. Calling them the “boogiemen” is a gross understatement.
The last sentence of this paragraph is a bit run-on. Try chopping it up in different parts to avoid convoluting conjugations.
Highly implausible. She’s a jedi runaway and therefore highly suspect. It would make far more sense for her to be subjected to rigorous interrogation, perhaps even torture, and passed onto a Darth to sense her intentions. She would not be allowed to go freely.
That may pick her -> might have picked her
Why was that decision contentious?
Rephrase this sentence.
Conclusion:
I like this iteration of Mylar better. I'm happy to see some things have been taken to heart. It makes for a more rounded out backstory with less of the plot-holes the previous character sheet held. Try paying attention to syntax, spelling and verb tenses. These (and run-on sentences) sometimes make it needlessly difficult to understand what you write. Finally, Force and fighting techniques will be subjected to Ellri’s or SunderedEcho’s review.
That said, let's get to the review!
LuSan:
A quick reminder on the spelling of her name is in order so it’s on this character sheet’s record as well. I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.
The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.
This doesn’t mesh well with how you describe her life’s story and how she evolved as a character. She’s been sold as a child into bondage, then she was trained by a dominatrix no less. She spent her earliest formative years as a Hutt entertainment slave, which to me seems you’re alluding to child or teen sex-slavery. I’m all for such a dark and depraved background. Something truly horrific shaped her which I would imagine haunts her. It is something she cannot shake and keeps pulling her back to the darkness. But that is not what is written here. Suddenly she’s saved by the Jedi only for her to run away after encountering a Sith. She survived the Korriban Academy and now works under Nyiss. This is a heavy backstory! How did she manage to hold onto her personality? Or, how – in light of all this - did she develop a bubbly, carefree disposition?
Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores.
Minor, but I suggest you pick a different word than ‘rifleman’ to refer to her. Why does Therese accept Mylar as her owner?
Slugthrower
I get the feeling you based it on anti-tank rifles from WW II. However, the way you describe it is a tad illogical (with the scope on an explosive gun and such). Tone it down from an anti-vehicle weapon to a projectile rifle. There is little evidence slugthrowers were anti-armor (vehicular) anyway, and it doesn’t work with Tinker’s designation as a carabineer.
The Dynamic-class Freighter
I get that you like the Ebon Hawk, but again I’d like to point out to you that "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.
The LuSan-family estate
You make it sound overly important. Planets are vital points for the Outer Rim supply chain, a single estate would not be. Change it from Outer Rim to planetary importance to make more sense.
Interview
This entire segment has several issues:
Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build a agricultural empire on the their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teaming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war.
Born of -> born in
A agricultural -> an agricultural
On the their -> on their
That all changed with the sith invaded -> changed when / changed with the sith invasion
Teaming -> teeming
It even afford -> afforded
Some semblance -> a semblance (some is already “in” semblance)
Mirial sided with the Empire early on. Why did her folks run? Why did they leave? Why did they not join the Empire? Their estate would have been a good bargaining chip.
As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, the they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.
The they -> they
Pilgrimage -> pick a different word, because this implies it was intentionally temporary.
To Hutt Cartel -> to the Hutt Cartel
You say they had a daughter while active on the Corellian Run, but only state she was taken to Ryloth after. Therefore it seems as if Ryloth is not her place of birth. The chronology between the second and third paragraphs regarding this is a bit off, or too unspecified. Also, it sounds like they were ok to sell off their daughter. Was this the case? Did they fight it? Why did they give up their child to return to the Republic?
There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.
The tense and subsequent structure are wrong in this one.
The more the Jedi to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encounter the Sith, and a small window into their way of life.
The more the jedi to assuage -> a verb is missing here
She encounter -> wrong tense
Encounter the sith, and a small window into […] -> that dependent clause is incomplete as your referral to ‘encounter’ doesn’t work with ‘small window’. I suggest ‘was afforded a glimpse into’ or ‘given a small window’ or some such.
What mission are you speaking of? When was this? You say she’s 23 now, that means she would have been around 16 or 17 when the war ended.
Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogieman of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.
“boogieman of the Dark Side” -> “the boogiemen”. This would most definitely not have been the case. The Galaxy has been at war for over two decades. Jedi would portray the Sith as the true enemy, the greatest menace. Some would even call them evil incarnate. Calling them the “boogiemen” is a gross understatement.
The last sentence of this paragraph is a bit run-on. Try chopping it up in different parts to avoid convoluting conjugations.
The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".
Highly implausible. She’s a jedi runaway and therefore highly suspect. It would make far more sense for her to be subjected to rigorous interrogation, perhaps even torture, and passed onto a Darth to sense her intentions. She would not be allowed to go freely.
Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that may pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.
That may pick her -> might have picked her
Why was that decision contentious?
In the end she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth.
Rephrase this sentence.
Conclusion:
I like this iteration of Mylar better. I'm happy to see some things have been taken to heart. It makes for a more rounded out backstory with less of the plot-holes the previous character sheet held. Try paying attention to syntax, spelling and verb tenses. These (and run-on sentences) sometimes make it needlessly difficult to understand what you write. Finally, Force and fighting techniques will be subjected to Ellri’s or SunderedEcho’s review.
OP
LegionPothIX
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
Before starting the review, I would like to
You stated that you would not involve yourself in this character's approval process. You need to respect that you have obligated yourself not to get involved and so, as we agreed previously, I will continue to wait for other GMs to review Mylar (instead of you).
Me asking another GM to take over the review process was conditional on you thinking it was personal. You have stated it was not, and so there is no reason to. I assure you that for me this is a matter of principle.
I regret that you do not seem to take the GM-role seriously. You taking a liking to one GM or other is not a valid reason to dismiss a review. Sometimes you need to get along with people you are not fond of. You don't get to pick.
As such, my review above will stand. I look forward to a constructive response.
I regret that you do not seem to take the GM-role seriously. You taking a liking to one GM or other is not a valid reason to dismiss a review. Sometimes you need to get along with people you are not fond of. You don't get to pick.
As such, my review above will stand. I look forward to a constructive response.
OP
LegionPothIX
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
Actually, what I you said was this:
My response to that was this:
You never asked what that meant. You only told me it was wrong. I have since made this clarification in a still ongoing investigation:
It would be most pertinent for you to wait for the collusion of that investigation before continuing to involve yourself.
Ruby No One Cares
Member
Seen
5 days ago
I'm tired of this drama unfolding, folks.
Other GMs will review the sheet.
Other GMs will review the sheet.
Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic
Member
Seen
11 mos ago
How long do you usually write? Several paragraphs
Do you enjoy writing collaborative posts for things like conversations, combat, etc.? Yes, please!
Is grammar and depth of writing important to you? Depth of writing yes. Grammar? Well, there's no objective way measure that.
Are there any writing subjects you particularly enjoy exploring? I like tragedy as a genre. I'm interested in trying something thoughtful, or even action oriented, too.
Is there anything you really dislike and want to avoid like the plague? ERP & Grimdark
Is there something you are uncomfortable with happening to your character? I can be pretty vain about my character's appearance having changes forced onto it.
Do you have any short-term or long-term goals with this character? To explore the philosophy of the universe. To RP the question: "does the Sith code inherently lead to the dark side?"
Name: Mylar LuSan
Species: Mirialan
Languages: Basic, Mirialan, Huttese, Ryl [Simplified] (no Lekku)
Planet of Origin: Ryloth
Age: 23
Gender: F
Rank: Sith, Inquisitor of Esoteric Study
Master: Darth Nyiss
Former master(s): Alalia Amalia
Apprentice(s): N/A
Sphere of influence: Diplomacy (Primary), and Logistics (Secondary). Biotic Science (by Proxy of Master)
Detailed appearance. Imagery insufficient.
The subject has the body of a dancer: slender, and toned, but with a petite frame that stands at a scant 140 cm. Her thick olive hair is usually in a ratty up-do (typically in a headdress), that reveals her ochre skin, while her bangs dangle freely in front of her emerald eyes. Frequently a pleasant smile, or shit-eating grin, can be seen parting her mantis lips. The roundness of her facial features, and the gentleness of her form overall, are accentuated by her courtesan's attire. The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.
Report on natural ability with the Force, as well as all known Force Techniques and the skill level.
- Telekinesis (Master Talent)
- Telekinetic Defense (Master Talent)
- Force Empathy (Expert Talent)
- Force Heal (Expert Training)
- Malacia (Intermediate Training)
- Slow (Intermediate Training)
Due to her narrow focus, and specialization to the exclusion of other avenues of growth (such as power diversification and lightsaber combat), each power is one rank higher than one would expect of someone of her age and experience.
Report on skills not directly rooted in the Force, including level of skill
Non-Factional Skills:
- Entertainment & Hospitality (Expert)
- Mediation & Conflict Resolution (Expert)
- Communication (Expert)
- Science: Research Methods (Expert)
- Medicine: Scientific (Intermediate)
- Medicine: Homeopathy (Intermediate)
- Manufacturing: Medicine, Medical Devices & Equipment (Basic)
- Performance Art: Acting (Basic)
- Performance Art: Dance (Intermediate)
- Physical Art: Painting (Novice)
- Physical Art: Pottery (Novice)
Factional Skills:
- Sith Code: Novice Training (Basic)
- Sith History & Philosophy: Novice Training (Basic)
- Jedi Code: Novice Training (Basic)
- Jedi History & Philosophy: Novice Training (Basic)
- Lightsaber Construction (Novice)
Report on known combat experience, training and lightsaber training.
Advanced tactics but minimal diversification:
- Primary: Form VI: Nimen (Intermediate)
- Secondary: Tràkata (Novice) and Telekinetic Combat (Novice)
- Supplementary: Form 0, Dun Möch, and Sokan.
Detailed notes on political influence and associates.
Political Influence: None
- Associates: Darth Nyiss is the Inquisitor's patron and master. In addition to all the roles a master typically fills, she occasionally serves as an intermediary between the Inquisitor and the Sphere of Biotic Sciences. Tasks deemed too trivial for Darth Nyiss may still find themselves being delegated to Mylar as a "training exercise."
- Associates: Mistress 'Missy' Li'sis - a Twi'lek Dominatrix and slave trainer who presided over the Inquisitor's early education prior to the involvement of the Jedi. Despite their history the relationship seems amiable.
Detailed notes on known rivals and enemies, outside and within the Empire.
- Enemy: Alalia Amalia. This Togruta Jedi Healer was the subject's previous Jedi Master. The current status of the relationship between her and the subject is unknown but presumed hostile.
- Enemy: Yutt, the Hutt who enslaved her. The subject reports that relations with this Hutt are hostile, and expected to escalate in the near future. Imperial Intelligence reports they are monitoring the situation.
- Enemy: Parents. While not a direct threat to the Empire, reports indicate they are cowering in Republic space, and that the subject might make an attempt on their lives.
List and description of other known associates, including underlings.
- Underling: Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores, but lost the battle and became re-indentured. As an adequate droidsmith and amateur shipwright she makes a serviceable companion. Wields "Tinker's Long-Barrel Custom" slugthrower.
List of known all ownerships, including vessels, non-standard equipment, slaves and locations.
Non-Standard Equipment:
- Equipment: Lightsaber (main) - Built on the foundation of a duelist's bent grip, this blade's glittering golden color comes from a combination of an orange crystal and an opal tinted lens. The plating on its grip is highly accessorized and designed for interchangeability to match any outfit it is accessory to.
- Equipment: Lightsaber (broken) - This lightsaber was once of standard configuration, but is unusable in its current state. It was the subject's original saber consisting of a standard grip, a now cracked red focusing crystal, and shattered lens. It was broken by Tinker during the Rylothian Moon Incident.
- Equipment: Tinker's Long-Barrel Custom Slugthrower - This large caliber, modular, anti-vehicle rifle fires semi-solid projectiles (often explosive in nature) from its quick-load magazines. It has a telescoping barrel to give it a variety of optimal ranges and utility against various types of armored targets. A medallion with "P7" pressed into it dangles from the butt.
- Vessel: Tinker's Constructs - This Dynamic-Class freighter was constructed almost entirely out of stolen or salvaged parts and it shows. The mod-ability of the basic frame allowed for many parts to be jury-rigged together from components designed for other ships. It possesses standard weapons and armor for a ship of its class. Additional stabilizers and preflight injectors have been integrated to reduce the activation time of its solid 2.5 hyperdrive. Its primary cargo bay has been retrofitted with a large class 5 manufacturing droid that build components for the ship's maintenance from raw materials. While it is inadvisable to go long periods without visiting a dockyard for maintenance, the droid appears designed to facilitate exactly this. In order to produce larger components the ship must be stationary with its bay doors open to facilitate the space requirements. The ship has become the base of operations for the Inquisitor and her pet, and supplied the equipment required to practice their crafts and trade skills. Its pilot assistance is provided by a standard class 2 astromech that also aids in its maintenance and repairs.
- Locations: The LuSan family estate - All records regarding the estate indicate that it was once a hub of commerce central to the outer rim supply chain, and during the initial invasion it was bombed as such. Since that time nothing has been done to re-develop the land. Rather the opposite occurred: rainwater collected in the blast craters, eroded the land, and corroded the equipment left abandoned there. At the time of this report the land is a toxic marsh. Despite this, squatters and bandits have been known to congregate there until the Inquisitor made her return. After the marsh was steeped in the blood of vagrants a few battle droids were constructed and deployed to patrol it.
Psychological evaluation of candidate.
The subject is quick witted, and crafty, though she squanders these traits with an aversion to long term planning. The subject is extremely possessive, and demonstrates a wide breadth of gluttonous appetites. She is highly attuned to her emotions, and the emotions of others, to the point where she has demonstrated a consistent (and suspicious) slowness to anger. She is by no means reserved, and is better characterized as capricious and childish. Additionally, the subject generally lacks the commitment required to be effectively deceptive for extended periods of time. However, when it suits her she is quite skilled at dissembling, and demonstrates an uncanny knack for piercing the deceptions and dissembling of others.
In the subject's initial application interview, she described many of the symptoms of Impostor Syndrome, but observations made by the academy indicate these quirks have been subverted and replaced by Emblematic Tokenism, or the reinforcement of self by proxy. Typically this behavior is seen when a subject is attempting to distance themselves from their past, by literally redefining themselves as everything contrary to what they once were. As of yet it is unclear what lengths the subject will go to maintain this facade.
List and description of known and suspected flaws. To be put into restricted database.
- Emotionally Pliable
Subject possess an ephemeral base that is inscrutable even to herself. She quickly latches onto ideas that validate her emotional state, or worldview, and is prone to be influenced or emotionally manipulated by others who reinforce either. A few choice words in an opportune moment can instill an unexpected degree leverage with potentially long-lasting results.
- Emblematic Tokenism
Despite both the Jedi and the Sith training her not to, the subject invests much of her self into the things and people she collects. When a direct attack on the subject may prove unwise, an indirect attack on the tokens can still be launched with comparative ease, and to similar effect.
- Overspecialized
Subject possesses a clear lack of diversity in her combat toolkit, leading her to be easily countered by other combatants with more diverse toolkits. Her Lightsaber Form is especially susceptible to Makashi, Ataru, and Juyo. Similarly, her force powers distinctly lack the lethality required for a decisive victory.
Known interests of the candidate.
When not spending her time indulging in the hedonistic pursuits, on missions, or otherwise honing her Force Powers, the Inquisitor will most likely be found engaging in one of the following activities: Philosophy, Medicine, Exploration, or the Physical and/or Performance Arts.
Major achievements on record.
- The Inquisitor has personally reclaimed her ancestral home on Mirial.
- Though not a major feat, the Empire recognizes the Sith pursuit of reputation inasmuch as any other form of power. The subject has demonstrated a level of consistent sensibility with regards to her military operations including non-Sith personnel that routinely results in an extremely low mortality rate. A rate seemingly independent of mission type, or danger factors, and that is far lower than the average Sith. While feared as a Sith, the Inquisitor has developed a working relationship with her non-Sith counterparts that garners respect, and improves the efficiency of their operations; all with minimizing cost in assets and lives.
Major failures on record. Confidential.
- Academy Years: Due to her past training, and present specializations, the Inquisitor's record of humiliating defeats in the academy is long and varied. While each challenge was overcome eventually, she is unlikely to have survived without the prior training she brought with her.
- Rylothian Moon Incident
The initial encounter with Tinker, which came at the cost of a sensitive diplomatic mission wherein the Inquisitor allowed her contact, and her target, to be terminated; as well as the subject of negotiation to be destroyed. Imperial Intelligence has not released any further details on the incident or its ramifications.
Personal biography, as detailed by the candidate for use in imperial archives. Acquired shortly after last achievement of note.
Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build an agricultural empire on their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teeming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war. However they quickly found that their status on the outer rim did not impress the aristocrats in the core worlds, and they were left wandering the galaxy.
As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to the Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.
A newly minted slave, and product of 'good stock', the subject was taken to Ryloth and trained as a slave in the entertaining arts. She was trained by the dominatrix Missy Li'sis in the ways of the "Hospitality" during her early years, and on the fast track to becoming a prized courtesan. There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.
The subject reports it was her sensitivity to the force that caught the eye of some passing Jedi. Supplementary reports indicate that Jedi are known to occasionally visit the outer rim in search of potential recruits in force sensitive children, and often find luck among the Twi'leks. After a series of short wagers in games of "chance" she was taken to H'ratth Praxeum for training. Her talents in easing the mind and bodies of the Hutt patrons translated well to the soothing nature of Jedi Healers.
The subject reports that the more she learned the more she felt like an imposer--undeserving of her 'fortune'. The more the Jedi tried to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encountered the Sith, and a glimpse into their way of life.
Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogiemen of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.
The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".
Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that might pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.
While her Jedi training had attracted many potential suitors in her early years at the academy, as a symbolic gesture, a perceived trophy, or mark of implicit status; these suitors quickly moved on. The weakness it engenders caused them to continue looking elsewhere for apprentices. In the end, however, she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth. Not for being an ex-Jedi but, the subject indicated, "simply being similarly aligned in purpose and energy". When reached out to for comment on the matter, Darth Nyiss stated that "Even failures have their uses in a lab."
While the motives remain unclear, one thing is not: under her tutelage the subject developed into a full Sith and was made an Inquisitor of Esoteric Study. Though the Rylothian Moon Incident happened in these years, she has since rebuilt her reputation with the military, and her mission statistics have mostly recovered.
Do you enjoy writing collaborative posts for things like conversations, combat, etc.? Yes, please!
Is grammar and depth of writing important to you? Depth of writing yes. Grammar? Well, there's no objective way measure that.
Are there any writing subjects you particularly enjoy exploring? I like tragedy as a genre. I'm interested in trying something thoughtful, or even action oriented, too.
Is there anything you really dislike and want to avoid like the plague? ERP & Grimdark
Is there something you are uncomfortable with happening to your character? I can be pretty vain about my character's appearance having changes forced onto it.
Do you have any short-term or long-term goals with this character? To explore the philosophy of the universe. To RP the question: "does the Sith code inherently lead to the dark side?"
Name: Mylar LuSan
Species: Mirialan
Languages: Basic, Mirialan, Huttese, Ryl [Simplified] (no Lekku)
Planet of Origin: Ryloth
Age: 23
Gender: F
Rank: Sith, Inquisitor of Esoteric Study
Master: Darth Nyiss
Former master(s): Alalia Amalia
Apprentice(s): N/A
Sphere of influence: Diplomacy (Primary), and Logistics (Secondary). Biotic Science (by Proxy of Master)
Detailed appearance. Imagery insufficient.
The subject has the body of a dancer: slender, and toned, but with a petite frame that stands at a scant 140 cm. Her thick olive hair is usually in a ratty up-do (typically in a headdress), that reveals her ochre skin, while her bangs dangle freely in front of her emerald eyes. Frequently a pleasant smile, or shit-eating grin, can be seen parting her mantis lips. The roundness of her facial features, and the gentleness of her form overall, are accentuated by her courtesan's attire. The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.
Report on natural ability with the Force, as well as all known Force Techniques and the skill level.
- Telekinesis (Master Talent)
- Telekinetic Defense (Master Talent)
- Force Empathy (Expert Talent)
- Force Heal (Expert Training)
- Malacia (Intermediate Training)
- Slow (Intermediate Training)
Due to her narrow focus, and specialization to the exclusion of other avenues of growth (such as power diversification and lightsaber combat), each power is one rank higher than one would expect of someone of her age and experience.
Report on skills not directly rooted in the Force, including level of skill
Non-Factional Skills:
- Entertainment & Hospitality (Expert)
- Mediation & Conflict Resolution (Expert)
- Communication (Expert)
- Science: Research Methods (Expert)
- Medicine: Scientific (Intermediate)
- Medicine: Homeopathy (Intermediate)
- Manufacturing: Medicine, Medical Devices & Equipment (Basic)
- Performance Art: Acting (Basic)
- Performance Art: Dance (Intermediate)
- Physical Art: Painting (Novice)
- Physical Art: Pottery (Novice)
Factional Skills:
- Sith Code: Novice Training (Basic)
- Sith History & Philosophy: Novice Training (Basic)
- Jedi Code: Novice Training (Basic)
- Jedi History & Philosophy: Novice Training (Basic)
- Lightsaber Construction (Novice)
Report on known combat experience, training and lightsaber training.
Advanced tactics but minimal diversification:
- Primary: Form VI: Nimen (Intermediate)
- Secondary: Tràkata (Novice) and Telekinetic Combat (Novice)
- Supplementary: Form 0, Dun Möch, and Sokan.
Detailed notes on political influence and associates.
Political Influence: None
- Associates: Darth Nyiss is the Inquisitor's patron and master. In addition to all the roles a master typically fills, she occasionally serves as an intermediary between the Inquisitor and the Sphere of Biotic Sciences. Tasks deemed too trivial for Darth Nyiss may still find themselves being delegated to Mylar as a "training exercise."
- Associates: Mistress 'Missy' Li'sis - a Twi'lek Dominatrix and slave trainer who presided over the Inquisitor's early education prior to the involvement of the Jedi. Despite their history the relationship seems amiable.
Detailed notes on known rivals and enemies, outside and within the Empire.
- Enemy: Alalia Amalia. This Togruta Jedi Healer was the subject's previous Jedi Master. The current status of the relationship between her and the subject is unknown but presumed hostile.
- Enemy: Yutt, the Hutt who enslaved her. The subject reports that relations with this Hutt are hostile, and expected to escalate in the near future. Imperial Intelligence reports they are monitoring the situation.
- Enemy: Parents. While not a direct threat to the Empire, reports indicate they are cowering in Republic space, and that the subject might make an attempt on their lives.
List and description of other known associates, including underlings.
- Underling: Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores, but lost the battle and became re-indentured. As an adequate droidsmith and amateur shipwright she makes a serviceable companion. Wields "Tinker's Long-Barrel Custom" slugthrower.
List of known all ownerships, including vessels, non-standard equipment, slaves and locations.
Non-Standard Equipment:
- Equipment: Lightsaber (main) - Built on the foundation of a duelist's bent grip, this blade's glittering golden color comes from a combination of an orange crystal and an opal tinted lens. The plating on its grip is highly accessorized and designed for interchangeability to match any outfit it is accessory to.
- Equipment: Lightsaber (broken) - This lightsaber was once of standard configuration, but is unusable in its current state. It was the subject's original saber consisting of a standard grip, a now cracked red focusing crystal, and shattered lens. It was broken by Tinker during the Rylothian Moon Incident.
- Equipment: Tinker's Long-Barrel Custom Slugthrower - This large caliber, modular, anti-vehicle rifle fires semi-solid projectiles (often explosive in nature) from its quick-load magazines. It has a telescoping barrel to give it a variety of optimal ranges and utility against various types of armored targets. A medallion with "P7" pressed into it dangles from the butt.
- Vessel: Tinker's Constructs - This Dynamic-Class freighter was constructed almost entirely out of stolen or salvaged parts and it shows. The mod-ability of the basic frame allowed for many parts to be jury-rigged together from components designed for other ships. It possesses standard weapons and armor for a ship of its class. Additional stabilizers and preflight injectors have been integrated to reduce the activation time of its solid 2.5 hyperdrive. Its primary cargo bay has been retrofitted with a large class 5 manufacturing droid that build components for the ship's maintenance from raw materials. While it is inadvisable to go long periods without visiting a dockyard for maintenance, the droid appears designed to facilitate exactly this. In order to produce larger components the ship must be stationary with its bay doors open to facilitate the space requirements. The ship has become the base of operations for the Inquisitor and her pet, and supplied the equipment required to practice their crafts and trade skills. Its pilot assistance is provided by a standard class 2 astromech that also aids in its maintenance and repairs.
- Locations: The LuSan family estate - All records regarding the estate indicate that it was once a hub of commerce central to the outer rim supply chain, and during the initial invasion it was bombed as such. Since that time nothing has been done to re-develop the land. Rather the opposite occurred: rainwater collected in the blast craters, eroded the land, and corroded the equipment left abandoned there. At the time of this report the land is a toxic marsh. Despite this, squatters and bandits have been known to congregate there until the Inquisitor made her return. After the marsh was steeped in the blood of vagrants a few battle droids were constructed and deployed to patrol it.
Psychological evaluation of candidate.
The subject is quick witted, and crafty, though she squanders these traits with an aversion to long term planning. The subject is extremely possessive, and demonstrates a wide breadth of gluttonous appetites. She is highly attuned to her emotions, and the emotions of others, to the point where she has demonstrated a consistent (and suspicious) slowness to anger. She is by no means reserved, and is better characterized as capricious and childish. Additionally, the subject generally lacks the commitment required to be effectively deceptive for extended periods of time. However, when it suits her she is quite skilled at dissembling, and demonstrates an uncanny knack for piercing the deceptions and dissembling of others.
In the subject's initial application interview, she described many of the symptoms of Impostor Syndrome, but observations made by the academy indicate these quirks have been subverted and replaced by Emblematic Tokenism, or the reinforcement of self by proxy. Typically this behavior is seen when a subject is attempting to distance themselves from their past, by literally redefining themselves as everything contrary to what they once were. As of yet it is unclear what lengths the subject will go to maintain this facade.
List and description of known and suspected flaws. To be put into restricted database.
- Emotionally Pliable
Subject possess an ephemeral base that is inscrutable even to herself. She quickly latches onto ideas that validate her emotional state, or worldview, and is prone to be influenced or emotionally manipulated by others who reinforce either. A few choice words in an opportune moment can instill an unexpected degree leverage with potentially long-lasting results.
- Emblematic Tokenism
Despite both the Jedi and the Sith training her not to, the subject invests much of her self into the things and people she collects. When a direct attack on the subject may prove unwise, an indirect attack on the tokens can still be launched with comparative ease, and to similar effect.
- Overspecialized
Subject possesses a clear lack of diversity in her combat toolkit, leading her to be easily countered by other combatants with more diverse toolkits. Her Lightsaber Form is especially susceptible to Makashi, Ataru, and Juyo. Similarly, her force powers distinctly lack the lethality required for a decisive victory.
Known interests of the candidate.
When not spending her time indulging in the hedonistic pursuits, on missions, or otherwise honing her Force Powers, the Inquisitor will most likely be found engaging in one of the following activities: Philosophy, Medicine, Exploration, or the Physical and/or Performance Arts.
Major achievements on record.
- The Inquisitor has personally reclaimed her ancestral home on Mirial.
- Though not a major feat, the Empire recognizes the Sith pursuit of reputation inasmuch as any other form of power. The subject has demonstrated a level of consistent sensibility with regards to her military operations including non-Sith personnel that routinely results in an extremely low mortality rate. A rate seemingly independent of mission type, or danger factors, and that is far lower than the average Sith. While feared as a Sith, the Inquisitor has developed a working relationship with her non-Sith counterparts that garners respect, and improves the efficiency of their operations; all with minimizing cost in assets and lives.
Major failures on record. Confidential.
- Academy Years: Due to her past training, and present specializations, the Inquisitor's record of humiliating defeats in the academy is long and varied. While each challenge was overcome eventually, she is unlikely to have survived without the prior training she brought with her.
- Rylothian Moon Incident
The initial encounter with Tinker, which came at the cost of a sensitive diplomatic mission wherein the Inquisitor allowed her contact, and her target, to be terminated; as well as the subject of negotiation to be destroyed. Imperial Intelligence has not released any further details on the incident or its ramifications.
Personal biography, as detailed by the candidate for use in imperial archives. Acquired shortly after last achievement of note.
Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build an agricultural empire on their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teeming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war. However they quickly found that their status on the outer rim did not impress the aristocrats in the core worlds, and they were left wandering the galaxy.
As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to the Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.
A newly minted slave, and product of 'good stock', the subject was taken to Ryloth and trained as a slave in the entertaining arts. She was trained by the dominatrix Missy Li'sis in the ways of the "Hospitality" during her early years, and on the fast track to becoming a prized courtesan. There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.
The subject reports it was her sensitivity to the force that caught the eye of some passing Jedi. Supplementary reports indicate that Jedi are known to occasionally visit the outer rim in search of potential recruits in force sensitive children, and often find luck among the Twi'leks. After a series of short wagers in games of "chance" she was taken to H'ratth Praxeum for training. Her talents in easing the mind and bodies of the Hutt patrons translated well to the soothing nature of Jedi Healers.
The subject reports that the more she learned the more she felt like an imposer--undeserving of her 'fortune'. The more the Jedi tried to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encountered the Sith, and a glimpse into their way of life.
Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogiemen of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.
The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".
Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that might pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.
While her Jedi training had attracted many potential suitors in her early years at the academy, as a symbolic gesture, a perceived trophy, or mark of implicit status; these suitors quickly moved on. The weakness it engenders caused them to continue looking elsewhere for apprentices. In the end, however, she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth. Not for being an ex-Jedi but, the subject indicated, "simply being similarly aligned in purpose and energy". When reached out to for comment on the matter, Darth Nyiss stated that "Even failures have their uses in a lab."
While the motives remain unclear, one thing is not: under her tutelage the subject developed into a full Sith and was made an Inquisitor of Esoteric Study. Though the Rylothian Moon Incident happened in these years, she has since rebuilt her reputation with the military, and her mission statistics have mostly recovered.
@LegionPothIX
Ok. We don’t care about previous reviews, drama or anything like that.
We care about whether the character feels complete and is balanced.
Mylar LuSan
We feel the name you have chosen doesn’t fit her species. In particular the last name, where there is the strange capitalization of the third letter. While we could suggest going for a completely different name, we’re fond of simpler solutions; specifically: replace
LuSan with Lusan.Alternatively you could look at existing Mirialan names. The choice is yours.
The imagery you provided for clothing feels neither Sith nor Mirialan. It appears primarily dysfunctional. In particular, the vast amount of loose parts hanging about would prove very problematic both for combat and for experiments.
Simple logic dictates that she would most probably dress either like a mirialan, or as a Sith, given her severed ties with any other factions.
Mirialans tend to go for either robes, simple pants & jacket/tank top, or something similar. There is no evidence that they favor clothes built up of large amounts of loose, flowing garments that have massive amounts of jewelry.
Most Sith tend to have clothes based around simple tunic & pants, armor, or robes.
The core element common to both of those styles is function.
Another element of note is the fact that Mirialan tattoos are cultural and have deep-set meaning rooted in their culture. Given that she has not been part of Mirialan society, where did she get them? What is their meaning? Why would she get them, when it is not their culture?
“Narrow focus” is not sufficient to ignore the limits on training time for Force techniques.
At 23 years old, someone dedicated exclusively to studying the Force might get a talent or two to expert, but that would be at a cost to all other forms of training. Expert training takes at least ten years on average. That is ten years after reaching apprentice/knight level of skill.
A single Mastery is far outside grasp, let alone multiple masteries and expert techniques.
This is especially true given that you have multiple other skills at high levels.
Given her age, having one talent at Expert skill level is plausible, with at most two or three at intermediate skill (training or talent).
Tràkata and Telekinetic lightsaber combat are specialized studies that most Sith or Jedi do not delve into, due to their complexities.
The former is a technique that has a high risk of backfiring, meaning that those who use it are either risk-takers who hope to be sneaky, or experts who know exactly what they’re doing.
The latter is a technique that takes dedicated study, due to the effort of controlling lightsabers telekinetically at the velocities necessary for effective combat.
She might know the very basics of them, but that would take time away from Force studies.
You should also include a section describing her combat style, not just a list of skill levels.
There are several things you need to make clear in the sheet:
- What would compel parents to sell their only child to slavers, let alone the hutts? Anything resembling normal parents would do anything to keep a child of theirs out of hutt hands.
- Timeline. You need to clearly define exactly how old she was at key points in her life. If going with your current content, you need especially to define these moments:
- Time sold as a slave.
- Time of being taken by the Jedi
- Time of becoming a padawan
- Time she fled the Jedi Order
- Time of reaching imperial hands
- Time of passing apprentice trials
- When did she become Nyiss’ Apprentice?
- What would her experiences do to her?
Why did her parents flee Mirial? The planet sided with the empire early on, not requiring much in the way of bombardment.
Once a slave, why would she be taken to Ryloth, which lies well outside Hutt space?
H’Ratth is a Jedi Praxeum world with no other civilization on it. As a padawan, she would most likely be close to her master most of the time, a master who would know much about her, possibly to the point of having a telepathic bond of sorts. She would be well aware of what her padawan was reading and studying. Any hint of interest in the Dark Side and/or the Sith would be quashed quickly.
Everyone in normal galactic society know who the Sith are. Had she been born a decade before the outbreak of the Great Galactic War, she might initially have known them only as a sort of ‘boogeymen’, but given that she was born almost halfway into the war, she would know far more. However, this would not in any way give a glimpse into their way of life. Regular People in the Republic and normal members of the Jedi Order know virtually nothing about imperial way of life. Especially Jedi younglings and padawans.
Once a force-sensitive is discovered by the Empire, especially someone purported to be a Jedi Padawan, he or she would not be let go. The individual would be taken prisoner and sent on the first available ship directly to Korriban for interrogation and conversion. Either under the watchful eyes of a Sith, or in a medically induced coma to prevent any undesirable escapades. If capture proves unfeasible, the Force-sensitive would be killed to keep it out of Jedi hands. Any belongings would be seized.
Upon arriving on Korriban, the prisoner would be interrogated and put through indoctrination and training to become a Sith. No matter the level of prior training, the prisoner would spend considerable time being reeducated at the academy until the overseers felt satisfied that he or she had fully taken on the mantle of being a Sith, or died failing to do so. That process takes anything from numerous months to many years. In her case, with next to no real knowledge of the Sith and having been trained by the Jedi before, it would lean towards the higher duration, because Jedi ways would have to be unlearned as well.
Being an ex-Jedi is not a mark of honor in the eyes of many Sith. To quite a significant portion of the Sith, it is a blemish that cannot ever be fully washed away. How did she attract the eyes of Darth Nyiss? Given how busy she has been and her rather reclusive nature, such an act would have to be spectacular.
Associates and ownerships
Why does she have a duelist lightsaber when she is not proficient in the lightsaber combat form that is specialized for? Is it purely aesthetic? Or is there some deeper reason?
Why has she kept a broken lightsaber? To a Sith, replacement parts are readily available.
The slugthrower
It feels a bit illogical. It appears to be based on something akin to a WWII anti-tank rifle, but it has features not seen on such, like a telescopic scope. Given the nature of vehicular armor and the presence of shielding in Star wars, projectile-based weaponry below the level of high-explosive rockets is not reliable enough to be used against vehicles. When the fact that you described Tinker as a carabineer, a heavy anti-vehicle weapon is not logical in any case. Either adjust the description of that individual to match an anti-vehicle role and adjust the weapon type to one suitable for taking out vehicles (presumably a rocket launcher or a heavy repeating blaster), or adjust the weapon down to a more regular sniper rifle-esque weapon.
To cope with the advanced technology of the setting, all weapons are more specialized.
The ship
How did she acquire this vessel and why is its hold space largely taken up by a manufacturing droid that requires the ship to be stationary with its bay doors open? As a Sith, she will have access to imperial dockyards.
You clearly like the Ebon Hawk, but considering how rare dynamic-class starships are (only one produced at a time) and with better models available, her just happening to have one is rather implausible.
We suggest picking a different unaffiliated vessel (and providing reason for it) or a Sith-flavored ship (again, with a reason for having, though requiring less explanation).
The Family Estate
Her family fled Mirial. She has never even been there. How is it she possesses ownership of the family estate there?
Even if her family had kept control over the estate, she would not have had automatic control over it, or been likely to even know of its existence. To possess such, you need to provide a good explanation in her character history for owning it. At the moment, no such thing exists.
When you fix these sections, bold the labels on each owned item.
How is the twi’lek dominatrix an associate of hers? Given the time needed to progress from Jedi initiate to padawan and then from Sith acolyte to Apprentice and beyond, they would not have seen each other for at the very minimum ten-twelve years.
The underling
What old score would this underling have had to settle? There’s no indication of such events in her history. Why is she labeled as “rifleman”? Is she part of some sort of specialized slugthrower-based militia? The word implies wielding a weapon with rifled barrel, which again indicates a projectile weapon. We suggest choosing a different label more in line with the setting.
Why would this individual see Mylar as her owner? To have such an underling, you need to explain the reason for it and how it came to pass.
Personality, Psychological Evaluation and flaws
The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.
The subject is quick witted, and crafty, though she squanders these traits with an aversion to long term planning. The subject is extremely possessive, and demonstrates a wide breadth of gluttonous appetites. She is highly attuned to her emotions, and the emotions of others, to the point where she has demonstrated a consistent (and suspicious) slowness to anger. She is by no means reserved, and is better characterized as capricious and childish. Additionally, the subject generally lacks the commitment required to be effectively deceptive for extended periods of time. However, when it suits her she is quite skilled at dissembling, and demonstrates an uncanny knack for piercing the deceptions and dissembling of others.
In the subject's initial application interview, she described many of the symptoms of Impostor Syndrome, but observations made by the academy indicate these quirks have been subverted and replaced by Emblematic Tokenism, or the reinforcement of self by proxy. Typically this behavior is seen when a subject is attempting to distance themselves from their past, by literally redefining themselves as everything contrary to what they once were. As of yet it is unclear what lengths the subject will go to maintain this facade.
- Emotionally Pliable
Subject possess an ephemeral base that is inscrutable even to herself. She quickly latches onto ideas that validate her emotional state, or worldview, and is prone to be influenced or emotionally manipulated by others who reinforce either. A few choice words in an opportune moment can instill an unexpected degree leverage with potentially long-lasting results.
- Emblematic Tokenism
Despite both the Jedi and the Sith training her not to, the subject invests much of her self into the things and people she collects. When a direct attack on the subject may prove unwise, an indirect attack on the tokens can still be launched with comparative ease, and to similar effect.
- Overspecialized
Subject possesses a clear lack of diversity in her combat toolkit, leading her to be easily countered by other combatants with more diverse toolkits. Her Lightsaber Form is especially susceptible to Makashi, Ataru, and Juyo. Similarly, her force powers distinctly lack the lethality required for a decisive victory.
These descriptions of her personality do not add up. Given the extreme amount of trauma she has been through (Born refugee, Hutt slavery, Jedi indoctrination, Imperial interrogation, Sith indoctrination) the last thing she would be is bubbly, carefree and lackadaisical.
At best she would either be jaded and desensitized with probable anger issues due to the bad hand fate has dealt her. At worst, she would be a ruined, broken wreck of a person with limited control over much of anything, readily prone to lashing out.
Either one of those would be pliable in the hands of skilled Sith. She would have been manipulated into hating the Jedi and many other things, such as her family, other aliens, the republic and more.
The lack of long-term planning would not be an unnatural result of such trauma, with her likely to wander from moment to moment to avoid thinking about the past. Most Sith would see one such as her as little more than a tool of limited value but which can provide some amusement.
Investing everything into the moment would not be wrong, but the lack of ability to plan ahead combined with the trauma in her past would have fully negated most—if not all—craftiness and quick wit potentially present in her personality.
Quick-witted remarks would more likely be in the form of spiteful statements, rooted more in what her academy overseers have implanted into her mind than anything else.
Conclusion
There is much work to be done on the character, with many elements needing expansion and an infusion of realism, logic and clear time progression, but there are some good concepts at the root of things. The section on the Force is considerably clearer than before, though still vastly overpowered. Given the number of grammar corrections Sini made, there is some work to be done on that front as well. There is no shame in accepting assistance from a teacher on that front.
It will be interesting to see what you make of this character.
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