Before starting the review, I would like to express my disappointment in not having received an apology or gesture of amends. I think that, going forward, it would be most welcome and appropriate. After all, I believe it would demonstrate maturity and respect not just to me as a person but to the role I have as Persistent Galaxy Staff.
That said, let's get to the review!
A quick reminder on the spelling of her name is in order so it’s on this character sheet’s record as well. I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.
The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.
This doesn’t mesh well with how you describe her life’s story and how she evolved as a character. She’s been sold as a child into bondage, then she was trained by a dominatrix no less. She spent her earliest formative years as a Hutt entertainment slave, which to me seems you’re alluding to child or teen sex-slavery. I’m all for such a dark and depraved background. Something truly horrific shaped her which I would imagine haunts her. It is something she cannot shake and keeps pulling her back to the darkness. But that is not what is written here. Suddenly she’s saved by the Jedi only for her to run away after encountering a Sith. She survived the Korriban Academy and now works under Nyiss. This is a heavy backstory! How did she manage to hold onto her personality? Or, how – in light of all this - did she develop a bubbly, carefree disposition?
Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores.
Minor, but I suggest you pick a different word than ‘rifleman’ to refer to her. Why does Therese accept Mylar as her owner?
I get the feeling you based it on anti-tank rifles from WW II. However, the way you describe it is a tad illogical (with the scope on an explosive gun and such). Tone it down from an anti-vehicle weapon to a projectile rifle. There is little evidence slugthrowers were anti-armor (vehicular) anyway, and it doesn’t work with Tinker’s designation as a carabineer.
The Dynamic-class Freighter
I get that you like the Ebon Hawk, but again I’d like to point out to you that "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.
The LuSan-family estate
You make it sound overly important. Planets are vital points for the Outer Rim supply chain, a single estate would not be. Change it from Outer Rim to planetary importance to make more sense.
This entire segment has several issues:
Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build a agricultural empire on the their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teaming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war.
Born of -> born in
A agricultural -> an agricultural
On the their -> on their
That all changed with the sith invaded -> changed when / changed with the sith invasion
Teaming -> teeming
It even afford -> afforded
Some semblance -> a semblance (some is already “in” semblance)
Mirial sided with the Empire early on. Why did her folks run? Why did they leave? Why did they not join the Empire? Their estate would have been a good bargaining chip.
As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, the they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.
The they -> they
Pilgrimage -> pick a different word, because this implies it was intentionally temporary.
To Hutt Cartel -> to the Hutt Cartel
You say they had a daughter while active on the Corellian Run, but only state she was taken to Ryloth after
. Therefore it seems as if Ryloth is not her place of birth. The chronology between the second and third paragraphs regarding this is a bit off, or too unspecified. Also, it sounds like they were ok to sell off their daughter. Was this the case? Did they fight it? Why did they give up their child to return to the Republic?
There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.
The tense and subsequent structure are wrong in this one.
The more the Jedi to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encounter the Sith, and a small window into their way of life.
The more the jedi to assuage -> a verb is missing here
She encounter -> wrong tense
Encounter the sith, and a small window into […] -> that dependent clause is incomplete as your referral to ‘encounter’ doesn’t work with ‘small window’. I suggest ‘was afforded a glimpse into’ or ‘given a small window’ or some such.
What mission are you speaking of? When was this? You say she’s 23 now, that means she would have been around 16 or 17 when the war ended.
Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogieman of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.
“boogieman of the Dark Side” -> “the boogiemen”. This would most definitely not have been the case. The Galaxy has been at war for over two decades. Jedi would portray the Sith as the true enemy, the greatest menace. Some would even call them evil incarnate. Calling them the “boogiemen” is a gross understatement.
The last sentence of this paragraph is a bit run-on. Try chopping it up in different parts to avoid convoluting conjugations.
The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".
Highly implausible. She’s a jedi runaway and therefore highly suspect. It would make far more sense for her to be subjected to rigorous interrogation, perhaps even torture, and passed onto a Darth to sense her intentions. She would not be allowed to go freely.
Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that may pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.
That may pick her -> might have picked her
Why was that decision contentious?
In the end she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth.
Rephrase this sentence.
I like this iteration of Mylar better. I'm happy to see some things have been taken to heart. It makes for a more rounded out backstory with less of the plot-holes the previous character sheet held. Try paying attention to syntax, spelling and verb tenses. These (and run-on sentences) sometimes make it needlessly difficult to understand what you write. Finally, Force and fighting techniques will be subjected to Ellri’s or SunderedEcho’s review.