[IC] Call of the Hunt [EliteCommander and Muttonhawk]

[Muttonhawk]

"A prudent action," Lunise commented. "I hope it will not prove an issue upon our departure, else we may need to be educated on your spell before then."

Either way it went, the discussion was put on hold by their arrival at their room. Lunise strode in, inspecting their surroundings with an appropriate look of outward detachment. She gave the books a long glance in particular but could only read a few of the labelled spines in the moment.

"We appreciate the accommodation," Lunise answered, testing one of the lanterns with a shot of magic through her finger. "While you are asking, I must point out our lack of preparation for a longer stay." She turned to face Marcaano. "If we might be brought basic grooming implements and some changes of clothes before tomorrow, I would be most grateful."

[EliteCommander]

After a quick moment of thought, Marcaano nodded his head. "Yes, of course. I suppose that would be needed for you. I shall go arrange to have some clothing and supplies brought to you at once."

Zyausak shook his head lightly and started to chuckle to himself. "We have planned to allow you to visit here for at least the last thirty years, yet we did not already have everything you needed prepared when you finally did arrive. I suppose that demonstrates just how infrequently we receive visitors here. If nothing else, perhaps we can learn the proper etiquette of a host from you during your stay?"

Zyausak's joking response did not elicit much of a response from Marcaano, who gestured for Zyausak to follow him before glancing quickly to Lunise and Meesei. "Yes, well, we will give you some time to yourselves to settle in while we arrange for what you have requested."

Once Marcaano and Zyausak stepped away, Meesei and Lunise were finally left alone together, even if it would only be for a short time. Their room was not the most furnished or well-decorated, but Meesei still had to stop and take in her surroundings all the same. The mere reality of staying in Artaeum as guests was enough by itself to excite her. In stark contrast to the act Lunise put on in front of the Psijics, Meesei showed a simple, genuine joy in her smile as she stepped up behind Lunise and put her arms around her waist. "I know that what your mother had to say to us was not completely pleasant to discuss, but I do think I am confident in saying that I am glad we came. Whether or not you end up personally on the battlefield when the time comes, you should know how grateful I am for all of the help you have given to my people, and me in particular. Your support has meant the world to me, Lunise, and I am just glad I could give something back to you by bringing you here."

[Muttonhawk]

Lunise might have been more amused -- or affronted -- by Zyausak and Marcaano's words had she the remaining mind to do so. She let them go without another word. Her shoulders fell as if only now having the space to breathe out.

When Meesei wrapped her arms around Lunise, she was strangely still at first. She looked at the wall ahead. When Meesei finished speaking, she took two moments longer than usual to even respond, instead gently curling her fingers around Meesei's hands and running a thumb affectionately over her knuckles.

"My support has been largely practical, even without our relationship," Lunise murmured. She bowed her head down to look at Meesei's hands. "But I do love to see you happy. Especially with amazing things like this. It is rare to see you quite this joyful."

Lunise tensed her diaphragm and forced her eyes shut for a few seconds.

[EliteCommander]

"Indeed, and even rarer that I am allowed to show it." Meesei replied. "But you are going to be able to re-connect with your mother, and for days longer than I ever anticipated. I am simply happy to have been able to give you that chance. My blood relatives back in Black Marsh, they are not really my family anymore, if they ever were to begin with. Beyond my father, I was never close to my family there, by Saxhleel standards. But, I have more of a family now than I ever did then. The brash, bold, and secretly soft-hearted Lorag. Ahnasha, the flawed, but caring mother, and my second, Fendros: a man with the willpower to be able to rise to what his challenges demand of him and far more potential than he even realizes. I have the cheerful and kind-hearted Kaleeth, and the level-headed, loyal, and dedicated warrior Janius. I have their children, who will hopefully be able to carry on into a world we have made safe for them. I have my brilliant and beautiful daughter Sabine, who means more than any world in Aurbis to me."

As she spoke, Meesei moved around slowly to Lunise's front, locking eyes with her the moment she could see them. "And I have you. My loving, talented, and divinely gorgeous mate. You are part of that family, my family. No matter how much we have to work to keep it secret, you are not an outsider to me. You are not just my lover, you are a part of my pack. Beast blood or no, it does not matter." There was another, brief pause as Meesei's voice became somewhat choked up and the tears in her eyes became more obvious. "It is as if I feel a genuine pain every time I have to pretend you are anything less than that. One day, we will be able to live as a family, openly, with no more lies. No more pretending, no matter how long it takes. Mark my words, I will make it happen."

[Muttonhawk]

"Careful," Lunise swallowed down some emotion behind a smile. "If you say such things, I will start to think it is possible." She drew Meesei into a hug to comfort her. She continued with her chin nestled in the feathers on Meesei's head. "I am blessed to be part of your family, even if it is only privately. I am blessed that my mother appears just as open to you. I had been on my own for such a time before you that the feeling of a family had been forgotten by almost every part of me. Meeting mother today again, for the first time in over a century, reminded me that I am allowed to feel it."

Lunise held her arms more tightly around Meesei. "I should not be thinking in such circles. Nothing could take you away from your family." Her voice became constrained, as if holding back her own sobbing. "I love you so much, Meesei. I am sorry. I am beyond sorry."

[EliteCommander]

For a few, brief moments, Meesei simply allowed herself to become lost in Lunise's embrace, satisfied with the fact that the risk of visiting Artaeum had paid off. However, Lunise's apologies served only to confuse her. There was only one piece of information the had received since their arrival that even might be considered negative, and Meesei was not sure why Lunise would feel the need to apologize for it.

Meesei's smile faded into concern as she reached up, resting her hand onto Lunise's cheek. "You have nothing to apologize for. Whether or not you end up joining in the invasion personally, you have already helped me more than I could have asked. You do not need to feel ashamed of keeping yourself safe, especially with what you will have to face after Vile. It has been a good day, and I think we deserve the chance to rest and just...be happy together."

[Muttonhawk]

"No, no, I cannot keep this to myself with the invasion so close," Lunise said. "It is another matter, Meesei. Something mother told me while she and I spoke privately. It's important. It is about you."

Lunise slid away from Meesei's arms and walked absently to the bed. She sat herself down without looking Meesei in the eye. "How much do you know about your soul, Meesei?" She asked.

[EliteCommander]

"My...soul?" Meesei replied, looking perhaps more confused than Lunise had ever seen her before. Lunise's tone alone was enough to make her show her concern, but her initial thoughts gave her no hint on what she could possibly be referring to. "I, um, will admit, that is nothing close to what I thought you were going to say."

Scratching her head in thought, Meesei slowly pieced together an answer to attempt to address the question. I am Saxhleel, so I have a Saxhleel soul, created by and connected to the Hist. And I am a werewolf, so I also have a Daedric vestige, one of Hircine's wolf spirits, bonded to my soul, which gives me an even stronger bond to Hircine. I suppose that makes this body somewhat crowded compared to most mortals, but I...I really do not know where you are going with this."

[Muttonhawk]

Lunise mustered the courage to explain. "Mother mentioned there was a theory about you. While there is no confirming it, to my knowledge, she detailed a theory that your soul was crafted more especially by the Hist for your task against Vile. It is probable that this involved imbuing your soul with patterns -- templates was the word she used -- that would assist you to quickly reestablish memories from past ancient Argonian souls. Given your prodigal affinity for old and complex magic, compounded with your presence and talent for leadership amongst your people, such a theory would do much to explain your proclivities."

The next part was harder to say. "Mother warned me that a mortal soul constructed in such a way is volatile. Your body holds it together for now, but upon death...you may not experience any afterlife whole."

[EliteCommander]

As Lunise might have expected, Meesei was at a loss for words for a short time. She took a step back, staring straight ahead, though not looking at anything in particular as her mind tried to come to terms with the reality that Lunise was proposing. "No, that does not sound...possible. I, well, I suppose the Hist could do such a thing, possibly, but I could not see them going through with that. Forging an unstable soul, that is...inconceivable. Inhumane. There has to be a mistake."

Meesei's hand clenched into a fist, her tears now stemming from a different source. Her voice was constricted to the point that she seemed like she could hardly speak at all. "It is wrong. It has to be wrong. Your mother, whoever came up with that theory, made a mistake. My soul is not some kind of patchwork abomination. I earned my power. I worked for it, trained, studied, and became powerful on my own merits. My success was not just...handed to me."

[Muttonhawk]

"Meesei, whatever pieces make up your soul is still you. But that is irrelevant right now." Lunise looked up at her, exasperated. "Do you not understand? If the theory is to be true, your soul is unstable." She shook her head lightly. "Now, mother tried to persuade me to lead you into joining the Psijic order...to work with their resources to study your soul and find a way to fix this." Lunise held out her splayed hands in frustration. "But I could never convince you to leave everything you know just for that! And beside that conclusion, I understand your family includes some very talented people. People that could help confirm or falsify this theory. Missus Ahnasha comes to mind, specifically."

[EliteCommander]

Meesei was quite clearly overwhelmed. She had hardly even begun to accept the notion that her soul could be unstable, much less actually give any thought to the solutions that Lunise was proposing. "But how could they even know? With scrying? How could they possibly be able to see into my very soul to even be able to make such a theory? It just...cannot be. My dedication, my loyalty, it could not all be punished so severely. My devotion has to be rewarded in the end. I do not...I...I..."

For a few, long moments, Meesei was silent, finally allowing her eyes to meet Lunise's directly once more. Although there was only silence between them, Lunise's stare pierced into her like a dagger through her heart, forcing her to acknowledge what she so desperately wanted to deny "...I believe you."

All at once, Meesei started to feel lightheaded. Though, she did at least still have the presence of mind, to allow herself to fall into a chair, rather than onto the ground. "But why? Why do I deserve this?" She said, burying her face into her hands. Even at her worst, Meesei had never broken down quite so completely as this.

[Muttonhawk]

Lunise's hands fell onto her legs and then slid to her sides. Her face was frozen, looking at Meesei with her mix of sadness and frustration made into a static frame. She might have predicted Meesei's reaction perfectly had she given it thought. No amount of thought could reduce the shock.

When Lunise remembered to breathe, she stood herself up onto her feet, looking down and around nervously. There was nothing do to but walk up to Meesei in a few quite strides and place a hand on her shoulder.

Lunise's next words came from a certain memory of both of them switched places, filtered through Lunise's own elocution, as level and earnest as she could make it. "Meesei. You know that I know what it is to be loyal. I am aware this may strike as an obvious question, but...how are you feeling about all of this?"

[EliteCommander]

Meesei stared down at her open hands, a visible magical charge surging through them. This time, she did not even seem to react to Lunise's touch. "I feel like everything is a lie. Like I am a lie."

Once more, Meesei clenched her fists and bared her teeth in pain just as much as anger. The idea that she may not ever see the afterlife she had been promised struck her just as hard as Lunise had likely expected, but for Meesei, there was something else in the revelation that assaulted her very idea of who she was.

"If this is really true, then what am I but a fraud? Determination, talent, skill, I have none of them. I did not earn the title of Champion, I was created for it. My knowledge, my magic, just...handed down from the divine to their disposable tool. All the years I have worked and toiled for understanding...and now I know I would have learned naught but a fraction of it without the patchwork abomination I call a soul!" Meesei practically growled, slamming her fist down onto the table. "If I could not do it without a divine 'template', then I deserve nothing. I am nothing."

[Muttonhawk]

At first, Lunise flinched at Meesei's more violent movements. But then she settled into a relaxed and controlled posture.

"Meesei, there is a truth -- two truths -- here that for you are overdue to learn," Lunise said calmly and firmly. "They are difficult to learn from a position of high aptitude and success, and for your age, for you have fewer mistakes to reflect upon. However, they are ever present. The first is that not all mortals are born with equal talents. There maybe talents that are not given opportunities to flourish, but it remains that a senche-raht Khajiit will never be able to speak like a suthay, and a suthay will never be as strong as a senche-raht. They had no more control over those parts of themselves than you did your soul. But the suthay never feels they do not deserve to speak any more than the senche-raht believes they do not deserve their strength."

Lunise twisted to sit on the desk beside Meesei. Her voice took a kinder tone. "The reason why is the second truth. A truth that too many Altmer fail to grasp. That second truth is that all souls have value, even yours. You cannot separate the templates from who you are. It is all one being. You would not be Meesei otherwise, and you are no less to me than you were before."

[EliteCommander]

Lunise's calm and compassion did, at the very least, serve to help calm Meesei noticeably. She no longer looked as if she was on the verge of destroying the room, but it did not remove the pain from her expression. Her tears had never ceased, but her voice was becoming more steady. "I can...perhaps accept that. Accept that my soul is who I am, and that I have not changed. But...that does not make me deserving."

Meesei closed her eyes, looking away. "I have always believed in strength through dedication. Through practice and determination, anyone could rise above the complacent. Time and time again, I defended my position against challengers with 'better' training, or centuries more experience. Just being born with talent could not match the strength of a determined effort. I was the best because I made myself the best, except...that is all a lie. I was the best because I was granted an advantage from my hatching that they could not hope to match. My beliefs are just lies, and I am a fraud. Perhaps that is why I deserve this? I did not earn the afterlife I was promised. Perhaps just fulfilling my appointed purpose, then letting my spirit die is what I actually do deserve?"

[Muttonhawk]

Try as she might, Lunise could not hold back showing deep pain from Meesei's self-judgement. She had never seen her so vulnerable. Thankfully, Lunise was still the one with the clearer head. She reached and picked up one of Meesei's hands, turning it palm up in her fingers in front of her and running small, slow circles on it with her thumbs.

"I do not agree that you deserve to disappear like that," Lunise said. "I feel I can say that with more qualification than most, if not all. You have driven yourself to the brink of death on a number of occasions for your cause. You have faced challenges that you knew well might have been beyond your capabilities, natural talents or no. It is unfair on yourself to claim practice and determination played no significant role in your achievements. To sacrifice as much as you have was a choice that none forced you to make, least of all the Hist."

[EliteCommander]

Even when Lunise took a hold of one of her hands, Meesei did not lift up her gaze. "I just...do not know. I feel like everything I once thought I knew about myself is wrong, or could be wrong. And even if I do deserve the afterlife I was promised...does that even matter? Do I even have a choice but to accept my destruction?"

Meesei finally lifted up her head and looked around the room, her gaze particularly lingering on the carvings in the stonework. "You said your mother wanted me to join the Psijic Order? On any other day, I might have been elated at the very thought, but...I do know what it means to join the order. That at least implies there could exist a way to fix my soul, but could she even really know that for certain? Has anyone like me ever existed before? Or is it just guesses that could steal away my life for no benefit? I suppose this is really why they are allowing us to stay here a few days: to give me my time to think. I do agree with you, the thought of abandoning my life feel inconceivable, but..."

Any hint of Meesei's usual confidence seemed to have been thoroughly erased from Meesei's demeanor. At the moment, she was doubting herself and her own abilities in a way that Lunise had never seen from her since the day they met. Even when she had doubts about the future or the safety of those she cared for, about which she had certainly confided to Lunise in the past, her confidence had remained. Only now was she starting to seem truly and completely demoralized. "...if my power, all my growth and progress over the years, has really been nothing but memories I had to be reminded of, then what hope do I have of actually solving a new problem?"

[Muttonhawk]

Lunise knew what she wanted to say before Meesei had finished. She tilted her head to one side. "Mother also told me something else, as it happens. 'Fate is a lie,' she said." Lunise took a deeper breath. "Her position puts weight to those words. And while there is little doubt of the unique and difficult nature of this, to say it is impossible begs the question of what you are assuming."

Meesei's hand was wrapped fully in Lunise's as she continued. "You are assuming that you were made for the purpose of collapsing upon death. You do not know that. The Hist may have even made you with the knowledge that you could solve this problem. You are assuming that this theory of the Psijics is as good as fact. No one knows that -- it is a guess based on incomplete information. You are assuming that you are not surrounded by incredibly talented people both here and on Tamriel that can and will help you."

Just as Lunise was about to remind Meesei of her family again, she stopped, closed her mouth, and furrowed her brow. "Meesei, are you absolutely certain that you cannot face a new problem?" She raised a finger and pressed it, crooked, against her lips. A new energy entered her voice. "I know of one problem you solved that could never have been a part of some Hist-carried late Argonian soul. Indeed, all lycan souls go to the Hunting Grounds. It follows, then, that a lycan mage who learnt to channel magic whilst in a transformed state would not have returned to the Hist upon their demise." She sat up straight, tall over where Meesei sat. "Meesei, I think it reasonable for you to assume full credit for that particular impossibility. And do not dare to assume that feat means nothing. I would not resort to violence against you, but know that I would consider my position carefully in the pursuit of slapping that falsehood out of your mind."

[EliteCommander]

Lunise's effort to drag Meesei out of her deepening depression was met with a long silence, though in this case, that was not necessarily a bad thing. She was not merely sobbing into her hands, but rather, staring ahead, contemplating every word that Lunise spoke. Minutes passed, though it may as well have been hours for Meesei.

Finally, Meesei stood from her chair and immediately embraced Lunise. Although she was obviously still seeking comfort from Lunise, she was at least no longer overtly degrading her own accomplishments and self-worth. "I just...still do not know, Lunise. Part of me still feel like this all cannot be real, yet...another part of me knows that it is. If there is any group that could know these things about me, it would be the Psijic Order, and I do not think your mother would lie to you. I just...I need time to think. Time to process. Maybe I am more than just a collection of ancient memories stitched together, or maybe I am still destined to just fade from existence. Maybe I just need to rest and let the ideas come to me.

Meesei lowed her gaze away from Lunise's eyes and let out a sigh. "I feel like I am going to drive myself to panic if I keep thinking about...nonexistence. The thought of becoming as if I had never existed at all, honestly, is the most frightening feeling I have ever experienced in my life."