Is this decent for a roleplay?

[Peco]

"The mighty centaur, Krubones has been stabbed by a Demon having a human appearance with a dagger that felt like melting iron in his stomach. His two friends, Helaem and Helsing were quickly transported Krub' to a nearly village where a beautiful elf woman who apparently knows medicine decided to heal the wounded centaur. Krubones is bleeding, she brings quickly tissues to stop the blood from coming out. After a few minutes, she brings a little beautiful shaped book where she begins to read in a foreign language. After that, Krubones feels a pain at the place where his wound was, he sees his mana coming out alons with a dark mana. His 2 friends are waiting for him outside the elf's house...

I want to integrate this in the upcoming episode of the roleplay I actually run. But i'm not sure yet because in my opinion it really makes Krubones look "weak" (of course, his actions bringed him here). But I'm afraid that players won't like this part.

Do you guys have some Ideas to integrate my roleplay or some general things that makes a roleplay better?
I would like to hear them.

Thank you for reading and sorry for my English, not my main language.

[NuttsnBolts]

Having a read and it feels very instructional, ie: he did this, then he did that. Your grammar also has a few errors too, so I think a combination of those could be holding it back.

You can also flesh out parts a lot better to give greater impact to the scene.

For instance, the first sentence is missing some commas and feels like you glossed over the most important part, the actual stabbing. Reading on and I can see terms like "has and had", "were and then" mixed up, and even brings quickly should actually be quickly brings instead. (also, never 2... Write two)

I feel if you fix up those kind of errors it'll help improve the scene for the most part without rewriting a stack of lines. What I would suggest as well is maybe a little novel reading on the side. Pick up a book like Harry Potter in English and read through it. It will help both with your word structure and understanding on how to write a scene that flows naturally.

[ArenaSnow]

The idea is alright, but as above, there's a good amount of polish to be done before it would come off as good.