Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Necroes
Raw
OP
Avatar of Necroes

Necroes Dice Lord

Member Seen 1 day ago






Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Necroes
Raw
OP
Avatar of Necroes

Necroes Dice Lord

Member Seen 1 day ago

This is far from complete, but I'm going to go ahead and get it where people can see it. Hopefully, I can get some constructive criticism/suggestions that might help me decide where exactly I want to take this.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Necroes
Raw
OP
Avatar of Necroes

Necroes Dice Lord

Member Seen 1 day ago

First draft finally complete! That only took... Well, it was a lot of writing.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ruby
Raw
Avatar of Ruby

Ruby No One Cares

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

Read. Feedback coming soon, likely on Discord, and I'll have to discuss some elements with Heat.

I like the bio, makes some things make more sense. There's a balance to strike and we shall strike it.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ellri
Raw
Avatar of Ellri

Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

Member Seen 11 mos ago

@Necroes

OoC

Making him a powerful combatant while having no plans for combat doesn’t sound entirely logical. Someone with above-average skill without ties that bind keep them out of combat would typically be put into combat situations more often than not by the Jedi Councils.

We suggest that you instead make it clear that he is average it, but with strong desire towards avoiding it.

Appearance

🔸Him being half a meter above the average for wookiees is very unlikely.
🔸This level of extreme height would also be a source of severe medical issues. If you insist on keeping it, we expect you to also add in numerous problems associated with unnatural physical size.
🔸Size would not discourage anyone worth their salt from attacking him. If anything, it would encourage them.
🔸Pure white fur is only likely in an albino or similar genetic defect. That naturally comes with medical issues.
🔸Apart from his size and fur color, Ar is actually quite an average looking member of his race. This is a blatant contradiction. The very next sentence lists another element that makes him extremely non-average.
🔸Clothes is not common for Wookiees, not even for Jedi wookiees. Their fur provides more than adequate cover. If you want clothes, you had better have an extremely good explanation.

Force

🔸His skills with the Force do not add up. You have him with grandmastery in one aspect related to senses, yet basic training in others.
🔸Techniques related to telekinetic aspects show a similar disparity.
🔸It lacks consistency.
🔸Your list is very long, with very great skill in several unrelated fields, yet lacking in others.
🔸Force Sight is deeply tied to Force sense, yet one is basic training while the other is grandmaster.
🔸Both the masteries you have in Speed and Jump are related to telekinesis, where you have basic training.
🔸If you wish to specialize, do so. Do not try to have masteries that are unrelated and skills related to said masteries at basic levels.
🔸If he is horrible at telekinesis, then his defense against such will also most likely be horrible.

🔸You need to rework this section heavily, as also mentioned to you by Ruby.

Non-Force skills

🔸His tracking skill seems overpowered. He might be particularly skilled at tracking in certain environments (such as dense forests like those on Kashyyyk), but he would not be good at tracking in all environs found in the galaxy. Forests, deserts, volcanic wastelands, ice planets, watery worlds, urban environments etc. all have very different factors that would affect tracking.
🔸Wookiees are incapable of speaking Galactic Basic. Thus they would not be good teachers without a translator involved in the process. If he is a good teacher, then it would most likely be at things that require less speech and more demonstration.
🔸Where and when did he undertake his studies of biology? Why did he study this? There is no mention anywhere else in this sheet about an interest in such.
🔸
🔸
The People of the Trees were omnivores. While they were perfectly capable of gathering wild plants (like the wasaka berries) or even cultivating domesticated varieties (such as the onion-like chyntuck), their lives in the canopy of Kashyyyk prompted them to consume essentially meat.

You had better have a good reason for deviating from the standard diet of wookiees.

Combat Skills

🔸Statistical numbers is all well and nice, but they don’t really say much of anything useful about his skill.
🔸If you have him avoiding combat if it is at all possible, he will not have the opportunity to reach the level of skill you have listed for Lightsaber forms.
🔸No Jedi or Sith is impossible to defeat in a duel due to their skill with a lightsaber form.
🔸It is not possible to master a Lightsaber form without practice against other users of that form.
🔸 The only way to achieve what you desire with your modified tràkata is through the use of a dual-phase lightsaber. Even then, the act of bypassing the opponent’s blade will leave the user open to a counter-attack. Placing your blade behind your opponent’s blade has that effect.
🔸A greatsaber/lightclub is not a finesse weapon.

Political Influence and associates

Contradictory. “No influence” followed by a description of the opposite being the case.

Rivals and Enemies

Specific examples would be nice.

Other Associates

The unique shape of the Wookiee throat made Shyriiwook a very difficult, even impossible language to speak for most non-Wookiees.
Wookieepedia

It is unlikely even for a Cathar to be able to speak shyriiwook, due to the lack of unique throat structure. Especially if studying it for less than a year.

Ownerships

🔸Other than Shoto-hilts, virtually all lightsaber hilts are designed for a two-handed grip. They might work one-handed, but are perfectly fine for two-handed use.
🔸Greatsaber hilt weight is roughly 5x that of a standard lightsaber.
🔸His collection of weapons doesn’t entirely make sense. Earth history isn’t SW history, and a lot of those weapons are very Earthbound.
🔸Where exactly is this collection of weapons? At what temple? The one that was destroyed by the Sith six years ago?

Psychological evaluation

🔸The report gives a good idea of how he is in relation to the Jedi code, but it doesn’t tell us much about what he is like as a person.

Flaws

🔸Communication issues: He would most likely only be capable of speaking wookiee languages in ways the vast majority of sentients would be at all able to understand.
🔸Emperial -> Imperial
🔸effects -> affects
🔸Force Specialization: he is considered to have an innate talent for any technique that effects or alters him personally No. He won’t be considered to have a natural talent for such a wide range of techniques.

Interests

🔸When are these diary entries set? What years?
🔸Remember, prior to 3681 BBY, the Jedi thought the Sith extinct.
🔸His skill with cooking is very unusual. Especially when it is not listed among his skills higher up in the sheet.

successes

🔸Details, please.

Failures

🔸Details, please.

Interview

🔸Did you look at timeline for things? You do know the war between the Sith Empire and the Republic started 34 years ago, and that their existence was unknown to the republic prior to that, right?
🔸Your entire interview section needs to be altered to take this blatant and readily available fact into account. That will also require changes to the rest of your sheet.
🔸Define exactly when he went on his retreat and when he returned. That is extremely relevant information for both GMs and other players.
🔸Define where he retreated to.
Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Necroes
Raw
OP
Avatar of Necroes

Necroes Dice Lord

Member Seen 1 day ago

@Ellri Okay; You want me to make this character into not what I want it to be. So, I decline putting additional effort into something entirely different than what I had planned.

Also; Thank you for making it completely clear to me that I will have no interest, whatsoever, in force users as depicted in this setting. I am firmly aware of where I'm not wanted.
↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet