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[Rusalka]

I really don't know what to call this thread, because it's just me wanting to get some shit off my chest.

I'm Rusalka. I won't tell you my real name because I prefer anonymity.

I'm a 33 year old male who still lives with his parents and has worked eight years at the same dumpy gas station in my hometown.

I'm always broke because my check goes towards taking care of my family. I've had no previous relationships other than two long distance that fell apart (mostly because of my bullshit) and one here in town where my ex cheated on me.

I spent four years in college chasing my dream of being a professional illustrator--only for it to fall apart. And I barely draw or write anymore because I don't feel the urge to, and after working a braindead job for so long, I've lost my creativity.

I am suffering from immense depression, and I feel like I'm lost all the time. It's as if I have no direction whatsoever. I'm always sleeping late. I don't go out with friends anymore, not that I have any these days. I feel disconnected from my family due to their religious and political beliefs (I'm from Texas, so put two and two together). And I just waste my time here scrolling through all the RPs, thinking I will join one but never do.

I've attempted suicide four times in my life and failed. I still think about ending my life, because I feel there is nothing left to live for anymore.

My road has ended it feels--or I'm just at a four-way, unsure where to go.

Anywho, I'm not doing this for sympathy. This isn't a fucking pity party. I'm just airing out my grievances here, because I have nowhere else.

[SleepingSilence]

Firstly, the problem with oversharing on the internet. Is no matter how anonymous you *want* to stay. You probably *could* be found based on the info you give. So fair (albeit obvious) warning there.

And there's only ever really two (positive) ways these things can go. 1. Letting you know that you're not alone & that other people are going through similar things to you. Then maybe it would help you to find those people and share your stories. (Go to therapy.) Or 2. Understanding perspective. (Finding solutions to said problems.)

Sounds like you have a stable job / income.

You have a family around you to take care of. And ones who allow you to stay under their roof.

You've had relationships before. (Even bad experiences give you experience at least. You even seem to understand your own personal flaws that might've effected them. So as long as you learn from it...)

You went to/afforded college.

About 18% percent of the US has been diagnosed with depression. So about 62 million people. (Though that varies and might not really be accurate.)

I'd strongly consider not distancing yourself from family or friends solely on their political and religious beliefs. (Unless it's specifically alienating you/forcing you to participate.) Because there's a lot more to life than that.

And not to give cheesy advice. But if you don't feel like there's any *one* or *specific* thing(s) that would suddenly make life better (if changed). I'd start going to the gym and working out. And if you can't afford that, going for daily walks outside. (That, and decompressing by turning off social media & your phone for a period of time. (Hours/Days) If you're particularly addicted to that.) Some sun and some exercise can do the body and mind some good.

- Fellow diagnosed depressed person (whose much better than he used to be.)

[Vlad Tepes]

I couldn't make it through the first few lines without rolling my eyes...

Anywho, I'm not doing this for sympathy. This isn't a fucking pity party.

@Rusalka

Sounds like one to me. You bawl and squawl about having to take care of your family when you probably chose to do so. I'm sure they really appreciate you bitching to strangers on the internet about them behind their back. You have a JOB at least that has kept you stable for years, so be thankful for it and quit whining! So it isn't your "dream job"! So what! They're called dreams because you have to be asleep to believe them!

The reason your "relationships" (long distance is NOT a relationship--it's just two desperate (and pathetic) souls sexting and sending nudes) fell apart is probably exhibit A---your "Feel sorry for Me" attitude that nobody---and I mean NOBODY wants to be around. Life is already hard enough without some poor sap moping around about "his problems" and "his feelings." How bout you fix yourself first before you consider breeding, kimosabe?

I spent four years in college chasing my dream of being a professional illustrator--only for it to fall apart. And I barely draw or write anymore because I don't feel the urge to, and after working a braindead job for so long, I've lost my creativity.

Rusalka

That's ALL on you! You picked a profession that DOES NOT have a stable job market or any opportunities near you, especially with AI rendering artists obsolete. Plus, you chose to quit drawing and writing after you failed. That to me just reeks of self pity. If you still love to draw and write, what the hell is keeping you from doing it, other than yourself? Do it as a hobby--on weekends or whenever you get time off work. You don't feel the urge anymore because you don't make yourself do it! Instead of laying around moping, get your ass over to the desk and draw or write something. The only one who's gonna see it is you, so who cares if it sucks? Learn from your mistakes and improve. Also, nobody loses their creativity. Humans are wired to be creative 24/7.

And not to give cheesy advice. But if you don't feel like there's any *one* or *specific* thing(s) that would suddenly make life better (if changed). I'd start going to the gym and working out. And if you can't afford that, going for daily walks outside. (That, and decompressing by turning off social media & your phone for a period of time. (Hours/Days) If you're particularly addicted to that.) Some sun and some exercise can do the body and mind some good.

- Fellow diagnosed depressed person (whose much better than he used to be.)

@SleepingSilence

^This.

Your life is not going to improve, unless you put the effort in to MAKE IT IMPROVE. Get out of your bubble--go touch grass--and quit wasting time whining to people on the guild or anywhere else. You say you've tried to pull the off-switch four times? Pathetic. The reason you didn't "Succeed" is either you didn't want to die that badly and didn't go through with it, or perhaps some divine entity (God or whatever) is trying to give you a sign that life isn't to be thrown away.

So in summary, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going. Life is only going to suck more the older you get.

Also, if I may use a cliche for a thousand dollars, you could have it a hell of a lot worse. So get over yourself.

[O O]

Aw, life always wants to fork the duck, I feel for you. You know what is, like, the most annoying thing to hear when you're debby-deppressy: have you tried e x e r c i s e? I'm gonna be your life coach, this is it - life is changiiing. We're gonna be the ones forking - the - duck. I think this could be the recipe for happiness:

1) Exercise everyday.

2) Have something to look forward to.

3) Practice a hobby.

4) Find someone to flirt with.

Oatcake, you're gonna wake up at 6am for our morning jog - don't forget!