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Very Brief Bio:
Male, 25 years old.
Likes: Basically all kinds of music, writing/reading fiction, anime.
Non-RP related interests: Used to play a guitar. Used to do 'harsh' vocals. Have played basically every sport, and I do play games. Mostly, Heroes Of The Storm.
I'm into a lot of different RP's. I do like darker themes, action, drama, fantasy. Etc.
I'm very used to doing digimon and pokemon theme roleplays (because of friends) though I also like to do original ideas.

*gives cookie* Would be glad to RP with anyone. :3

Disclaimer Warning: Does not actually give much of a damn who uses art.

Self Promotion/My 1X1 Interest Check: roleplayerguild.com/topics/175576-sle…

Most Recent Posts

The condition was like a natural disaster. It merely shook everyone’s stability at first, but even as they attempted to stumble back up and recover, it continued growing out of control, leaving the foundation of their family in disrepair. It admittedly wasn’t a pleasant thought for his sister to have, setting the last dish into the drying rack with a sigh of relief. Having the responsibility to complete undone chores rewarded her with hands that stinked like citrus. Exiting the kitchen to check on her brother’s progress and grab the remainder of the groceries. Soon made clear that her downtime to study was put between a rock and hard place with her brother staring off into space. Pondering if she should abstain from her usual hand-holding with her joints already sore from scrubbing stains, and just go up into her room and casually practice with her flashcards until Enzo’s brain-train back to Earth arrived. She could almost see the steam coming from both their ears, if only for different reasons. She was interrupted by following a ringtone melody blaring from the living room, retrieving Enzo’s phone from in-between couch cushions. “This explains why he never answered my call…”

She quickly approached Enzo with his phone in hand and snapped her fingers to grab his attention while speaking in a dry tone. “Transmission from Audrey Kawasaki, get boxes out of backseat and into the house.” As she swiftly slapped his phone into his palm once she’d gotten his attention. “And keep that on you, so our parents can actually get in touch-”

Enzo suddenly heard the familiar melody he’d received in-game for messages coming from his smartphone; the outside case had the logo and the wallpaper was its title screen. Receiving messages from his online friend and frequent party member, 'Lycaon, “The Dispossessed”'. Displaying a chibi version of his in-game avatar in the corner of the screen along with each sent message. The color deliberately added to add a sense of urgency.
Blood brother! Have you returned to cosmos of the preordained?

I’ll be patiently awaiting your accession into ‘Krist’. I’ll be just across the ‘Gateway Of Beginnings’.

Don’t keep me waiting...

Several short texts that would have appeared to be inane gibberish to anyone else. The cosmos of the preordained referred to and was infamously stated by the creator’s founder who firmly disbelieved in the concept of free will, at least in this universe, clarifying that alternative universes weren’t held by the same metaphysical constrictions. Thusly, creating that title. Krist, being the name of one of the designated starting areas and the ‘Gateway’ was just a bridge that crossed the nearby river getting them out of the town's 'Safe Zone' that prevented PVP (Player versus Player) dueling and monster battles.

In reality these texts belonged to Lorenzo Kawasaki, the middle child of the family of five. He was living in a college dorm on the other side of the world. Always considered to be the most introverted, even after these distressing circumstances, also having the reputation of being the bad apple of their family tree. His approach to connecting with Enzo was the diametric opposite of his families endeavors to refamiliarize him to the physical realm and went against many of his therapists’ suggestions. Simply engulfing himself in the destructive fires of the facade, not minding if his fuel burned every bridge on the way. His most recent present delivered was a smartphone that had been altered significantly. The software and nearly everything else was designed to imitate the options menu and optional HUD displayed in Project Eternal Entities, with practically identical sound effects, graphics and soundtrack replacing the original features. Playing the same game and roleplaying as that virtual character in all his conversations with his ‘blood brother’. Calling his human appearance a stealthy deception commonly practiced by members of the Werewolven race.

Still waiting for her brother to help, Audrey grumbled as she brushed the mass of acorn shells off the hood of her car. “Damn squirrels.”
Nitpicking is not going to help the growth of an amateur writer.

However, as the author, Briza gets to say the reasons, not someone who managed to have no hand in writing the story.


@Briza I feel you're potentially taking an overly defensive stance over what comes down to mere friendly suggestions. Certainly seems that way at least, but I'll assume this is humor that's being poorly translated like last time. So the following is only for if you may those statements without jest. Otherwise, simply appreciate the given response.

>This is only is you're seriously telling me that I'm nitpicking and I shouldn't try to give advice about characters/setting when I'm not the one who wrote it. Because it's a touch more direct than I'd be normally than if it was mere sarcasm. So I'll only assume a reply to this means that is/was the case.

I've always been a pro-active problem solver. There's never once been a time I used excuses to stop myself from doing something important that I could do. Helk, I achieved my only real goals in life pretty early on. And still have been recently changing what I can for the better, while having very few doubts in life...I'm sure I should be proud of myself for that.

So it feels like an odd fact to say that life for me is at a very strange impasse that I cannot really do much about basically everything, and I'm not even entirely really positive how much really needs to change. I suppose there's certainly worse states of mind to be in.
>banned for assuming his personhood. We actually exist in a hivemind.
Here’s the deal; I’m not here to “chat”. I’m here to write, not socialize. You CAN write with people without pointlessly chatting. Can you not?

I don’t care about your child or your cancerous mother, I just want to write and keep the relationship simple. Can we not just discuss ideas and concepts??


I understand the frustration with slowness and lack of response. That can be difficult and it's not just you. I certainly know that lack can be disheartening for a writer. Especially, if they aren't doing it for themselves above the rest.

But yes, you can do that. It's called opening a word document and writing something. (Not sarcasm, I'm seriously suggesting this as someone who does this when roleplaying fails to fill my desire to create.)

But no, I don't think you can RP correctly without some conversation, even if strictly/mostly about the RP itself. You get more people interested in writing, by breaking the ice and holding a conversation. If you're *that* opposed to ice-breaking, it's hard to imagine being enjoyable to experience a wholly collaborative medium with that in mind. This is a forum and it is entirely a social form of communication. (And I'm not saying that to be condescending, but I genuinely think you have the wrong mindset approaching RP's if that's taken at face value.)
@Briza Well it wasn't all the flaws. Just something minor structurally that wasn't as important to the overall quality of the story. But yeah, that's your prerogative. ^3^

Heh. Well I can certainly understand how that worked out then. Let me state that I certainly think you can write a good or unique story in the word count that you used. (Maybe a super short word count can be an upcoming challenge.) Some people write poems with a handful of words that are more content and are more creative than thousands of words will ever be. Also, since it was mentioned, just going on time spent on stories. I probably spent more time editing my last two prompts, both with a smaller word counts. So make of that what you will.

Okay, I think I just had a massive brain fart when reading the story for the first time. (It was a late night. ^-^') I thought the clerk and the narrator were one and the same. I think I somehow missed the setting establishing part about the shop. (Or more so because of my first misconception, I missed the idea that it was happening at one at the start.) So I had a very different idea of the story unfolding, entirely my mistake. Though I guess maybe it's just because it seemed like my own warped setting made more sense for the content/brevity of the story. Maybe you are better own ignoring me in this case. Ha ha.

(That sounds very sophisticated for the few hours of time spent. I tease. :P)

But somebody that's precise would have came up with one word that fits the bill, it is a first person perspective and they're out there. The rule of three is because people like and very commonly use three descriptors for something because it just sounds nice. But there's better ways to do it, but I get that you admittedly rushed. Though just as a thought experiment, if we were to assume stereotypes, others may look upon priests favorably. But would they look favorably upon themselves? Probably not, since they believe to be born in sin. (Etc. Etc.) Unless they were hypocrites. (A word I think might be able to fit all those words in there actually.)

Well it was a nitpick after all. But I understand and can respect in believing every word is there for a reason. But I appreciate the response.

But so the discussion doesn't end there. If you'll humor my curiosity, suppose if you knew that the story was 4,000 words and not characters? What would you have added to the story? (Or did you believe it was perfect as is?)

And for your review, thank you very much for reading it and reviewing. It is much appreciated.
@Calle
>Figured my response would serve better in the discussion section.

Thank you for taking the time to give me a constructive review.

First allow to me to clarify my intentions while writing the story that go heavily into many of the things brought up here. I wanted to create an older fairytale-esque experience with morals and something more bittersweet. My usual heavily crafted style of prose yet fairly simple plot was certainly meant to amplify that feeling.

I can see it the alliteration being a bit of tongue twister for the eyes, but I feel it’s just a personal style that I enjoyed the challenge of reading. If there’s any particular lines you believe could be written better, don’t hesitate to give me your thoughts.

The ‘acceptance’ of the beast was simply more in line with a fairytale/different world. Hence the strong scented candles to ward off hungry packs of doggos. I thought it was pretty clear it didn’t attempt to reflect reality. The authority absolutely noticed his 'wanderer' status, as his interaction was merely concerned with getting in trouble over a citizen or visitor to his town being injured under his watch. That sympathy was swiftly removed once he knew he was a “non-citizen” lawlessly roaming. I also don’t make the beast’s identity known because it’s better left to the imagination. (In my opinion.)

I certainly gave every character more of a purpose and personality than most stories of this nature, not to toot my own horn. But I probably would have expanded further if the word count would have allowed it. Making the four characters warmth inside the pub make them seem more like actual friends before revealing their colder personalities when they go outside. But it had to be glossed over for word constraints. Perhaps, it was better off focusing on the driving force of the story anyway.

I’m not intending to shoot the messenger. I can (and greatly) appreciate and understand those thoughts. My writing tries to not just use big words for the sake of it, even if I admittedly fail that sometimes, but crafting them into sentences that make them unique and not your average typical boring sentences.

I’ve said this before. But it’s often a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. Where many of my stories will be vaguely expressed with, “Things are too brief and the sentences are so fragmented.” or “Things are so detailed and long, the sentences are far too complex.” And I so rarely get shown the “just right” that people seem to constantly be looking for. I’m sure there’s always something I can do to improve, but it’s difficult sometimes to grasp which direction I need to go. I think for contests especially, I should be (and aim for) reaching outside the box, even if my prose or symbolism becomes too dense as a result.

For the instance the paragraph brought up, I can certainly see certain words I could axe without losing much to the overall narrative. (Luxurious, only added because same 1st letter as layers.) And words I could certainly simplify to mean the same thing. (Debauchery was just me showing off. Ha Ha.) But I’m not 100% sure if it greatly affects the outcome.

Plus the “grinding his thinning patience against his forehead.” I probably could have swapped for, “He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, because he was losing patience.” But I don’t feel like that is a better, nor more concise sentence. Even with the latter part removed.

Thank you very kindly. I feel the structure is so rarely played with for a forum writing contest that has those tools to play with. So I also thought/hoped it worked well. Once again, I sincerely appreciate the effort made to give me a review and vote. I hope you find this response grateful.

And I also appreciate pointing these few things out to me.
1. Yeah that’s a mistake. It’s supposed to be “creature’s”, might have been autocorrected incorrectly.
2. You’re probably correct with that one. I’m unsure.
3. A stray example would be nice to get my head wrapped around it. But I get the gist.
It was the most pristine form of constructed chaos and the perfect symbolic representation for the fact that your own upstairs had irreparably changed. Leaving the bedroom was an assault on Enzo’s senses, instantly smelling the strong stink of drying paint and sawdust as it appeared that the entire second story seemed to undergoing renovations. Nearly everything was getting layers of polish that resembled a cover off a House&Gardens magazine, that it scrubbed off any familiarity he might have potentially possessed...

One could imagine this was the feeling of a target in a firing squad as she stood there and shot him an irked glare the moment he descended downstairs. The plastic bags gathered en masse on the opposite side of the opened front door. His youngest sister brushed her long hair back and straightened her uniform after shooing away her snack thieves, but still unable to get rid of the chip on her shoulder. By far the least sympathetic to her sibling’s circumstances and seeing how the rest of the family babied her brother’s state of mind bothered her. To garner the attention she craved required a sturdy brain and work ethic, yet she observed a contradictory path in Enzo's permanent leisure being lavished with affection.

She hung her keys up and glanced into the living room to her left, relieved to notice the vacuum was sitting there with the cord wrapped up properly. Her tired sigh matched the tone and brevity of her words giving Enzo instructions while pointing outside toward her car.

“Brother. Please just grab the two cardboard boxes in my backseat and don’t forget to close the door.”

With that said she'd already carried some of the groceries and passed him by going into the kitchen around the corner of their stairs. Her hopes shattered as she carefully set down jars of spaghetti sauce onto the island to make sure their food wouldn’t follow suit. Gasping aghast a dirty display as she realized the sink of yesterday's dishes sat there unwashed. She quickly rushed over to read what had been stuck on the fridge with a cartoon smiley face magnet.

Your mother and father have gone out of state again to seek assistance with Enzo’s psychiatric treatment. We’ll be back in a few days! Our uncle Stefano, who’s helping us remodel our upstairs, should be there all afternoon in case of any emergencies. His number is 407-202-4343. We love all of you! Keep an eye out for one another and remember to feed the goldfish! - ♡ Mom

She peered up at the calendar with pictures of cats hanging from trees accurate to the season, finger touching the date. “I knew it. It was Nick’s turn to wash the dishes and throw away the trash. He’ll be getting an earful from me when he gets back home from practice.” She thought with a pout before approaching the kitchen sink, grabbing and soaping up the sponge, turning on the faucet as hot water filled the sink.


What awaited for him if he were to dwell outdoors was sounds of neighbors lawn mowers, mild weather and partially cloudy skies. Plus a pair of miffed squirrels tossing empty acorn shells from atop the branches on the hood of his sister’s convertible. Her backseat consisting of two large boxes; one that held multiple encyclopedias, and quite literally, a heavy amount of other reading material. The other seemed to be filled with an assortment of crafting materials. Paper, paint, strings, wire, brushes, beads. It would be a difficult process to hold a box of budding imagination and stop seeing an inescapable mundanity that this life offered that utterly failed to captivate like the virtual world could...
>Most of this was written quite a bit ago. Bout day one of the contest. (And I've taken too long. So just going to post the few I finished. And do the others later when I get around to it.)

Before I read any of the entries, I wanted to explain what I’ll be looking for when I’m reading these. How I originally, and how everyone else judged most stories to a far lesser extent is purely/mostly on typos, minor errors and inconsistencies in writing. But I realized just how flawed a method that is when comparing stories. Imagine two separate stories, one with perfectly adequate and simplified structure that has no flaws. The other has a typo or three, missing period here, sentence fragment there, but the theme, plot, characters, dialogue, lines and the actual effort was vastly unique and interesting. Is that one worse because its lack of polish? So I’m going to do something, I hope everyone does more of. I’m going to pretend a basic level of polish would inevitably happen with every single one these drafts if it was sent to an editor.

Because polish alone can’t make a story interesting. Make a theme unique, make dialogue sound natural or not depending on the effect, how well is the plot, world and character established? What actually happens in the story? How is this going to be compelling to imagine playing out in my head? Will I be impressed and acknowledge the level of craftsmanship each sentence took to craft? I’m not a teacher marking you for errors. Though more polish will still be appreciated. I’m a reader, who wants to actually be entertained by the story you wrote. Did that paragraph give your information in an interesting way? Or did you just write “Person walked into room, didn’t do anything interesting then said something in horribly broken dialogue and slang.”

So I will not focus on editing, merely provide it as background assistance. If there’s only a few errors you won’t even see me acknowledge their existence. If certain words or phrases are abundantly used or if something is repetitive, in a way it’s stated or acted upon, that is a flaw of a lacking vocabulary and/or imagination. But I will try to focus more than ever, on if you have a noticeable theme, impressive lines/unique writing, and story that hooks me in the beginning, keeps me engaged throughout the middle and ends sensibly.

With that introduction made and out of the way, allow me to judge these pieces of writing from that lense with what I hope comes across in equal fairness. (Yep, I’ll even be judging my own piece and become my own worst critic. With hope that maybe you can try doing the same for yours.)

That and following the rules. One theme that was particularly expressed in the prompt itself was the idea that it would not be easy to overcome this invasion. I’m expecting an oppressive atmosphere and if there isn’t one, there better be a good/clear reasoning for the lack of specified tone. A mary sue or badass character that isn’t brought a swift punishment/that doesn’t suffer immensely is not one I want to see...nor feel justified for the given prompt.





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