It's nearly halloween; that time of year when the heavy curtain that divides the light of the living from the dank basement of the dead is lifted for one afternoon (and up until midnight, at which point it is my birthday and you guys have to act serious and austere again).
Anyway, tell a spooky story one sentence at a time. I am not going to start it because I don't want to fuck with it right now, so the next poster will start the story.
THE TELL-TALE SPAM
One. Once upon a time there was a Jew.
"Shit, I thought this was one word per post." He said as he looked at the newspaper. "I should have never learned to read," he angered. And then his table shook with a furious shaking. It's that fucking bird again. From outside the window a giant crow peered in, it had a metal mask over its face and wasn't so much a crow as it was a giant red-headed, blue-bodied eagle the size of a house.
*Audience laughtrack*
And then Seinfield came out of the bathroom. He was a ghost. "Hey, I tell ya: what about those grave yards? Cold as my mother-in-law I'll tell ya." he said casually as he walked to the old Jew. With that said, the Seinfeld ghost disappeared in a wisp of nineties.
That reminded him: it was getting about time to sacrifice the neighborhood kids to ISIS. And so he went to his neighbor, the Saudis to ask for help. But the Saudi's had grown fat, and they had no knowledge of anything beyond oil and sunglasses.
"Screw those dunemonkies anyway," he angrilied as he laid out some Halloween candy underneath a twig-propped box. Before he left the Saudi's to try somewhere else, he heard what sounded like his wife having sex somewhere in the Saudi home. The Jew gathered up his candy trap and took it into the home with him, for he thought that a candy trap could come in handy in the home of the Saudi. It was then he realized that he only had Whoppers for candy trap bait anyway, which not even the stupidest kids would try to eat.
He then met the pet leopard.
"Hi weird dog, do you know where I can find child sacrifices?"
The leopard snarled like a leopard.
"Eat this, you antisemite," he angried and threw some Whoppers down its mouth, killing it instantly. He then shunned the body, because he was a true Jew of the kosher kind. So he left it behind for the starving Eritreans that followed him in to deal with.
"What the fuck is this shit?" they said, angrilerlier.
The leopard only snarled and said "It's shitposting, don't look." But alas, the Eritreans looked, and with this their hearts became heavy enough to outweigh the heavy weight champ.
"I sure hope you guys didn't." Castanaza said from the stairs, wearing a smug look on his face and holding a baseball bat in his hands.
It was exactly then, as the water clock on the Saudi wall struck midnight, that the Saudi's screamed down the stairs, riding upon ghostly camels and with American artillery on their shoulders. Unfortunately, it seems that an infuriated horde of Serbian spiders awoke from their supposedly peaceful slumber, swarming and flooding the room as they charged to the Saudis as they mistook them for filthy kebab flies. And then someone played Remove Kebab on a boom box. That someone was the Jew, who always carried a boombox strapped to his back.
The great cacophony awoke a great spirit then, and crawling from the chasms of the greatest boils of Hell was none other than Richard "the Lionheart" Plantagenet, who promptly spooked the currently irrelevant Eritreans. The irrelevant Eritreans, quickly sacrificing their youngest child's heavy heart to their hypno-toad god, pleaded for mercy and heavy American artillery of their own to fight off Richard.
"You fools, I fooled you all; even you Houston, Texas!" Richard blares unfazed
And so the Saudi's, and the Serbian Spiders, and the Eritreans, came together as friends and allies, and their number was twenty thousand men of fighting age. But Richard was one, one of lich, one of unkillable and the unseen, and the time was now.
Unfortunately for Richard, the time was now will never be, for he is trapped in his own delusions of time itself.
But in doing so, so was everyone else.
"Saladin sends his regards" a Saudi prince said to the spectral monarch before running him over with an oil-black Lamborghini.
Cookie Crisp is false advertising because they weren't really cookies and therefore it really wasn't "cookies for breakfast". The old Jew was stunned with this enlightened revelation. "Well, oy me right in the vey." the Jew said, scratching his bald pate.
Suddenly! a car full of neo-nazis hopped the curb and ran down the old Jew. But he dodged it Matrix style. And the Neo-Nazi's spun out of control and crashed into a nearby soviet union, where they were carted off by a couple of glorious communists.
"My dick is made of bologna" said a strange man in a mime outfit.
"Would that be beef or a mixture of chicken, pork, and other left over shit?" asked a man dressed as a nun.
"Is it kosher?" Said the now cross dressing Jew. And the Jew remembered that pork can never be kosher, so he did ten sit-ups for the glory of Yahweh so as to tone for his sins. Then the strange man in the mime outfit, critically stunned at the jew's physical prowess, melted into a strange liquid on the ground.
"Well gefilte me right in the fish." The Jew said, shrugging exponentially.
Suddenly, an army of pineapples attacked! The Jew was confused to all hell, he shrank back into the corner and watched as the pineapples entered the fray. But just as the pineapples descend on The Jew, the communists from earlier kick down the door and fight the army of tropical fruit in a valiant display of deus ex machina. And in typical Russian irony, they sing glorious Cossack choir songs as they fight.
One. Once upon a time there was a Jew.
"Shit, I thought this was one word per post." He said as he looked at the newspaper. "I should have never learned to read," he angered. And then his table shook with a furious shaking. It's that fucking bird again. From outside the window a giant crow peered in, it had a metal mask over its face and wasn't so much a crow as it was a giant red-headed, blue-bodied eagle the size of a house.
*Audience laughtrack*
And then Seinfield came out of the bathroom. He was a ghost. "Hey, I tell ya: what about those grave yards? Cold as my mother-in-law I'll tell ya." he said casually as he walked to the old Jew. With that said, the Seinfeld ghost disappeared in a wisp of nineties.
That reminded him: it was getting about time to sacrifice the neighborhood kids to ISIS. And so he went to his neighbor, the Saudis to ask for help. But the Saudi's had grown fat, and they had no knowledge of anything beyond oil and sunglasses.
"Screw those dunemonkies anyway," he angrilied as he laid out some Halloween candy underneath a twig-propped box. Before he left the Saudi's to try somewhere else, he heard what sounded like his wife having sex somewhere in the Saudi home. The Jew gathered up his candy trap and took it into the home with him, for he thought that a candy trap could come in handy in the home of the Saudi. It was then he realized that he only had Whoppers for candy trap bait anyway, which not even the stupidest kids would try to eat.
He then met the pet leopard.
"Hi weird dog, do you know where I can find child sacrifices?"
The leopard snarled like a leopard.
"Eat this, you antisemite," he angried and threw some Whoppers down its mouth, killing it instantly. He then shunned the body, because he was a true Jew of the kosher kind. So he left it behind for the starving Eritreans that followed him in to deal with.
"What the fuck is this shit?" they said, angrilerlier.
The leopard only snarled and said "It's shitposting, don't look." But alas, the Eritreans looked, and with this their hearts became heavy enough to outweigh the heavy weight champ.
"I sure hope you guys didn't." Castanaza said from the stairs, wearing a smug look on his face and holding a baseball bat in his hands.
It was exactly then, as the water clock on the Saudi wall struck midnight, that the Saudi's screamed down the stairs, riding upon ghostly camels and with American artillery on their shoulders. Unfortunately, it seems that an infuriated horde of Serbian spiders awoke from their supposedly peaceful slumber, swarming and flooding the room as they charged to the Saudis as they mistook them for filthy kebab flies. And then someone played Remove Kebab on a boom box. That someone was the Jew, who always carried a boombox strapped to his back.
The great cacophony awoke a great spirit then, and crawling from the chasms of the greatest boils of Hell was none other than Richard "the Lionheart" Plantagenet, who promptly spooked the currently irrelevant Eritreans. The irrelevant Eritreans, quickly sacrificing their youngest child's heavy heart to their hypno-toad god, pleaded for mercy and heavy American artillery of their own to fight off Richard.
"You fools, I fooled you all; even you Houston, Texas!" Richard blares unfazed
And so the Saudi's, and the Serbian Spiders, and the Eritreans, came together as friends and allies, and their number was twenty thousand men of fighting age. But Richard was one, one of lich, one of unkillable and the unseen, and the time was now.
Unfortunately for Richard, the time was now will never be, for he is trapped in his own delusions of time itself.
But in doing so, so was everyone else.
"Saladin sends his regards" a Saudi prince said to the spectral monarch before running him over with an oil-black Lamborghini.
Cookie Crisp is false advertising because they weren't really cookies and therefore it really wasn't "cookies for breakfast". The old Jew was stunned with this enlightened revelation. "Well, oy me right in the vey." the Jew said, scratching his bald pate.
Suddenly! a car full of neo-nazis hopped the curb and ran down the old Jew. But he dodged it Matrix style. And the Neo-Nazi's spun out of control and crashed into a nearby soviet union, where they were carted off by a couple of glorious communists.
"My dick is made of bologna" said a strange man in a mime outfit.
"Would that be beef or a mixture of chicken, pork, and other left over shit?" asked a man dressed as a nun.
"Is it kosher?" Said the now cross dressing Jew. And the Jew remembered that pork can never be kosher, so he did ten sit-ups for the glory of Yahweh so as to tone for his sins. Then the strange man in the mime outfit, critically stunned at the jew's physical prowess, melted into a strange liquid on the ground.
"Well gefilte me right in the fish." The Jew said, shrugging exponentially.
Suddenly, an army of pineapples attacked! The Jew was confused to all hell, he shrank back into the corner and watched as the pineapples entered the fray. But just as the pineapples descend on The Jew, the communists from earlier kick down the door and fight the army of tropical fruit in a valiant display of deus ex machina. And in typical Russian irony, they sing glorious Cossack choir songs as they fight.
