Balance

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

<Snipped quote by Host>

*Early the next day, there's a knock on the room's door.*
Zel: Ya guys up?

@Stabby

*Rubs my eyes and groans* I'm super not up. Somebody punch me.

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

*Still on my phone*
Kay.

@Host

*Lies on my side and goes to sleep*

Myriad Reality

.

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

Let me know how it goes.

@Host

I will. I'm going to slip out of consciousness now, if you don't mind.

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

*There's an notched axil sticking out the side, but otherwise there's no noticeable output.*

@Stabby

*Floats the windmill back onto its table and gets fully into my sleeping bag*

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Host>

Sounds perfect. I'll consider it.

<Snipped quote by Stabby>

*Looks for its functional output*

@Balance

dave

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

Exactly.

@Host

Sounds perfect. I'll consider it.

<Snipped quote by Balance>

*It eventually constructs itself into a small windmill, completely functional and about half your height.*

@Stabby

*Looks for its functional output*

Myriad Reality

@DarkwolfX37

Proofreading

"As she did, she put two of the acorns, which were glowing, into her cheeks." "which were glowing" is kind of clunky, though I understand what you're getting at. Consider making it more concise, like "now glowing".

"She kept a tight hold on the knife as she was run down by bullets, tearing her to shreds." This could have a huge amount of shock power, but the quick switch between active and passive voice is jarring. I'd keep it all in active voice, and my personal preference would be to join her action and the bullet's action by an em dash--but how you connect these important actions is your chocie.

"Sonia scoffed as she glanced at the two before they disappeared, and her eyes then moved down to squint at Makoto,"
These actions can be more concise with fewer subordinating conjunctions. Although subordinating conjunctions can help clarify, often, what they express is deducible by the reader, who wants to hear all about the actions and may get distracted by the context he or she already assumed.

"who shimmered slightly as if emanating a heat haze." I like the comparison here, but I think because you already have a verb you can create variety by using a noun with adjectives as the simile. "who shimmered slightly like the... [heat haze]." Professional writers seem to do that a lot--for good reason.

"She threw a knife with a red gem at the hilt of it." This description can be made way more concise. When an action is important, try and get in all descriptions as concise as possible, or if you have many devote more time to describing the knife. Or throw out unnecessary descriptions.

"She threw a knife with a red gem at the hilt of it. The gem glowed once Sonia finished her incantation, and suddenly knives replicated at an alarming rate from the original knife." Once you make the knife's description more concise, you can possibly combine all these actions into a concise (I know I use that word a lot), action-packed sentence or two. For example,
"Words still spilling from her mouth, Sonia hurled a ruby-hilted knife and finished her incantation. The gem glowed—and the knife split and split again, circumscribing Makoto with a bladed ring. In the blink of an eye, they launched."
This paragraph says everything the previous one did, but it hurls each action at the reader like Sonia's knives, yanking them into the action and then shoving them into the fray.

i have to wash the dishes now so just
remember these principles I guess

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

It's just a book, dude.

@Host

*Sticks out my tongue* *Muffled* I'm sticking out my tongue. *No longer muffled* Just kidding. I could just make a book with random squiggles, I guess. I'm good at randomness. And then stick the phone in it, and then conspicuously tap the book instead of writing in it, while I'm running for my life, armed with at least one weapon, in order to tweet exactly what's happening for the sake of my millions of non-donating viewers.

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Balance>

How? People hide things in books all the time.

@Host

Well, yeah, but it's totally unwieldy and who would decimate a book like that?