Gwynbleidd — Roleplayer Guild

Leaving this post here to remind myself to leave reviews with pros and cons and all that fun. Plus, voting! (Excited to talk about the armpit licking conversation.)

Beginning the review process. Let's see here. 

I am a fan of poetry and I always will enjoy reading more. This feels fairly simple and straightforward when we're talking the theme of the contest this time around. You've indeed written a tribute to the glorious leader that speaks to his greatness and tells in a few words why we should follow him. Also sticks to the fierce nationalism with that last line about burning traitors. I see the Norse theme others have pointed out, and I'm also getting the vibe of a bard singing his tale. 'The Silvertongue' was a nice touch to give off that vibe. I feel like this is something you could hear in a tavern while traversing the realm. And, a leader loyalist who has had a weary travel might feel calm and at ease to hear of such greatness that which he belongs. That was the cool part, and all of the pros pretty much. If I think of something later I'll add it on while I write. 

You don't always rhyme, and trust me I know that poetry does NOT have to rhyme to be great. But in this case, you might have wanted a more traditional and eloquent flow. I also wonder if you could have dug deeper with your imagery. Simplicity can make a good poem great, but that only works with the right words and the right message. What those are? I can't tell you. It's you that needs to find the words that resound correctly with you. I can't truly pick apart at this too much because you've hit the basics of the contest theme and you hammered that through. Personally, I just feel you have more in the tank. I'd like to see it.

Know this can't be truly considered a poem or anything. More like a quest list, which the title points out! And, well, you lived up to the title. So, that's always good. Anyway, onto more serious things. I think having the hidden text to be highlighted was a pretty cool concept, and ran well with the hiders and code colors for the IC kind of play we had going on in the other thread. However, I don't know how effective it was. Seems like it went over the heads of some people and is one of those things that might be accidentally discovered rather than anything else. Though, I did end up getting it. Was there a better way to make that more effective? Maybe. I don't know how you would have done it, but that's that on that case. 

Overall this was fairly simple and ran with the storyline we built in the other thread using the forum members as the characters. As a piece, we don't know too much about these characters but I can say we don't have to know too much because this feels more like a bit of a humorous piece just establishing the ridiculousness of all of the Glorious Leader loyalty and crazy events of the rebels. I can't give it a vote because there's no elements that make it stand as an excellent piece of work or a superior piece of work within the bunch. To be fair, I believe you were just having fun with it and I had fun going along so mission accomplished I'd say. Fun detour, fun little reminder of how great a time this RPGC has been. Maybe there's an even more creative, more amplified ridiculous route you could have gone. That'd be something. But yeah, you made me smile and I enjoyed myself!

Perhaps the most well rounded poem entered. That's my subjective view, anyway. You've got a grasp of traditional, older time language that resonates with the piece and brought about the proper perhaps romanticism type flow of the piece. This had more of the melodic, musical flow that an ode to the glorious leader deserves. Feels more of the air of the bard recounting the great deeds of king Han to his drunken spectators listening in a dimly lit tavern. 

Simple piece. Simple words, and as I often say that's sometimes the way poetry should be. However, I'd be more interested if you could include more vivid visuals. A little more characterization, perhaps satire, or the ridiculous loyalty others have gone for. There are ways to layer a poem and make it rife with multiple meanings, you just need the right words. Again, I feel you went out with a particular mission to succeed on the loyalty side of the them. And in that, you did indeed succeed and made for a pleasant read. If there's anything you should be taking away from me with this, and anyone else who reads my critiques is this: I want more. I want you to dig deeper. I do believe I've told you in other reviews that there's talent in your writing. Sharpen those skills!

WILL GET TO MORE TOMORROW.

Okay, so, people who know me from previous contests. When I tell you I will get to your work tomorrow. That means it may take a LONG TIME. I need to stop giving out promises, it never friggin' works. Sigh... Alright, here's one more review.

Satire? Continuing the joke of the contest? I'm not a hundred percent sure here. Because, first things first, you adhere to the theme of loyalty and the glorious leader. This feels like another insider joke kind of thing because we're drifting into the realm of absurdity. The Glorious leader is so amazing he does this, he doest that, and we mere peasants can't understand it! Sure, this is funny. But, it also drags on. I noticed the play on the five senses, so that was kind of cool. That brings me back to wondering whether this was meant to be a satire especially when we drift to ridiculousness and the descriptions for that are intriguing like the kid bursting into a bright ray of light. There's an aspect of the blind loyalty that feels somewhat... dark? A lurking darkness of the glorious leader perhaps. Again, something that could be pointing to satire. I'm not sure if you meant for comedy, or satire. Yes, there's a difference. But if I'm having a hard time knowing what you're going for, there's a problem. It might just be that this a simple have fun with the Glorious Leader thing, and that's all good by me. But... Just letting you know. This could be a pretty well-written satire if you want to put the work in. Ya' got talent for it. Writing is re-writing. Practice makes you better. Most importantly, have fun with this stuff. Anyway yeah, so this is fair to decent. You've got more in you and I know it.

Huh. Kind of a nifty little story here. It just felt a little flat for me. Title really lays out the story for us, officer's in a lounge. There might be more layers to the whole piece considering the smiling to each other ending between Washington and Tyler; almost as if they're in on a joke that nobody else is. However, that's not a savior for the story as a whole. Tyler's loyal to the general, and he's dedicated to his tasks and it seems he is somewhat skillful. Other than that, I don't know too much about him and I don't get a great enough grip on his motivations other than the expositional dialogue he provides. I wish you had focused more on him and Washington and the dynamic between the both of them. Right there, right there you have the beginnings of interesting development and character backstories. And, one of the biggest problems is that the Officer's Lounge acts like this little bubble. I have no idea what the consequences there are here for this. I don't know what this means, how much it means, or why I should care. Minister Washington doesn't seem to particularly care about what just happened too much (and hey, that could be a rather interesting character trait. Coldness and uncaring works for Roose Bolton in Game of Thrones). You really missed out on a cat and mouse Reservoir Dogs style of scene here. But, good news is you can edit things. Revisions make stories fantastic. This one as it stands just didn't hit all the cylinders.

I like the way you use your words. 'Grave of childhood dreams' was pretty damn evocative. Written in first person, and a shorter entry but you still got out what you wanted to get out. That in itself is impressive. No need for too many wasted words. Alex a girl or a guy? I feel like it's left ambiguous which is kinda cool. Anna and Alex both have fleshed out characteristics that I can see in the way they behave and their voices. But, what's also interesting about this is how much of these characteristics can we take as a hundred percent factual. Our narrator is Alex, and we don't know if Alex is completely trustworthy to give an honest opinion of himself or of Anna. Nor can we believe Anna wholeheartedly about what she says about Alex due to her narcissistic and self-righteous nature. So, we have an interesting balance here that's dark and a little bit unsettling and ultimately puts us in a sour mood by the end of the piece. Good job on getting the reader to feel something. 

I am left with a lot of questions regarding Anna's death. Suicide? Murder? Drug overdose? Again, perhaps it's left a mystery and that's better for all of us to throw our own theories around. But, with that missing there feels like there is a severed link to the meaning of all this ya know? Nice line by Alex on the unmarked grave bit, shows how petty he can be (which has been said by another reviewer I see!). And of course, the officer wouldn't care about that because there's a lot of time that goes into a will and all that. Despite that, it doesn't matter... Alex's pettiness was the important part and it was nailed down. Well rounded characters and an engaging short read. Well done.

Let me get all the positives out of the way first. Tons of potential here as a writer, particularly a fantasy writer. You have one hell of an imagination and it's pretty cool to see. The spirits, and the magical-functioning trains, the power of the cape; all of that was intriguing and had me wanting to know more and understand more. You're on the way to well done character development (getting there, it's imperfect but I'll get to that a little later). Your detail is vivid and interesting. NOW, let's get onto the more helpful part of reviews.

Your pacing needs work. It's already been pointed out that fight scenes lose their momentum when you inject sudden description paragraphs and just take us out of the fight. If you can, set up things beforehand. Location, scenery, potential things that might be broken or used in the actual fight itself. Then, just let the havoc spring and don't miss or lose your beats. It will read more crisp, and will enhance the flow of the story. Marble almost feels relatable in the way you talk about the train ride, just holding onto the pole because it jumps and jerks around so much. That's sometimes how people feel on the subway when they don't want to hit or knock into other people because it's rather crammed. Cool little feature. Again, we have a focus on Marble's loyalty and nothing else. Look, I need more human characteristics from Marble because even if he's inhuman or in a fantasy world it doesn't matter. Humans are reading your story, there needs to be a hook. Think more about the culture of your world, how everything breathes and operates. Also, you do get somewhat repetitive and clunky with your otherwise enticing details of the world. Marble's power could have been revealed in a somewhat improved way I believe, particularly because you're introducing us to two new characters and we hardly get to know too much about them and by the end of the story that twist doesn't matter because we don't care. We also don't care about how the Witch feels because she's acted harsh and cold. You need to spend more time on this because I think you wanted to maybe show layers to the Witch that shows that she's not so bad as the Diamond Queen lets on. Also, careful with words like katana, Japanese, China, etc. We're in a somewhat fantasy world here and you're going to need to make a choice. Either go full out fantasy and forget those words because otherwise it will confuse the reader and feel like pointless add ons. Keep writing, and I see a lot of possibilities for you in the future.

Well, I'm going to toss my hat in here and say I actually enjoyed the armpit licking conversation in the intro. The missing link in that beginning piece is we don't get too much of our surroundings or enough from the dialogue to assess the traits of the characters. However, that's a conversation I legitimately could see happening between a bunch of bros sitting around late at night with nothing to do. Soldiers can talk about weird sexual shit like any other group of friends, so that was a grounded quality in my book. Punching up the dialogue may have really helped with this. Really just sit inside of your character's heads in the dialogue like you seem to do in the longer description paragraphs from the journal. There was a great thing that discussion did in the opening, it built a sense of camaraderie and simplicity. Normalcy... And then you shattered that normalcy with a war.

You've got a talent for portraying war in a way that feels honest, and that's what I try to do the best I can with despite not having been to one. I just watch, and listen, and try to understand the mind sets of those involved the best I can. Sometimes we throw around a few too many war platitudes or cliches like 'war is hell'. But, as Tim O'Brien says in 'The Things They Carried'; those platitudes don't ring true. There's a missing piece to bridge the gap of the emotion to someone who hasn't seen war. Sometimes you fall into it, but not so often it becomes detrimental. The first blood, second blood, third blood transitions you used were brilliant. Really kind of nailed down the war experience for the narrator and made me feel connected to it. Revolutionaries believing they're doing a greater good, but having to do things that make them feel like monsters: that right there was very well done. To me, that was you bridging that gap of warfare to the inexperienced. As an audience, we can understand hypocrisy and we can understand guilt and apprehension. So relatable. As I said before, if we can just sit in the character's heads a little longer we would have one hell of a story right here. Otherwise, I really enjoyed this!

Descriptions were nailed down, the story was sharp and well-paced. I understood the characters and their motivations. Sure, their motivations were simple and the characters themselves adhered to this kind of simplicity of an old fairy tale. But, that's not a major knock on the story or anything. Clear, and also felt concise. I and other readers probably felt pretty damn down when the Trial of Loyalty came up. At that point I think we all connected with the father and the son. You never go too in depth with the characters but we know from the delicate way of describing the father that he is kind and truly cared about. That was a great touch and made his death mean something. I think it would have meant more if you ended it on the son's line rather than stating the most kind man was slain. Because we pick up the next scene understanding that the task was finished, so using exposition felt strange and unnecessary at that point. If there's a major gripe in the story it's that we're constantly told that the boy knows what he must do because it is his duty. It leaves out any surprises for us. Do we really doubt he's going to kill his father? For me, I'm not so sure I doubted he would. This kind of renders the trial of loyalty a little bit stale even though you still executed the scene with power and grace. Is this the most original tale? Not really. But, on story beats, motivations, descriptions, plot... You have the most technically sound story. Well done.

On that note, I've finished all the reviews! And my @vote goes to Firebrand because it was the most well-structured and well-written piece of the bunch. There were other pieces that I felt delved deeper and had greater potential but it wouldn't be fair to vote for them when they're not as well-strung together. Still, damn good story. Solid writing everyone, this has been fun!
Gwynbleidd Banned

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