HangYourSecrets

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Jane carrying Rob into his bedroom was a complete daze. Moments echoed in his mind, fading in and out like waves. One moment, he felt a wetness come against his face, cleaning it. The next, being led onto his bed. He crashed against it and felt almost as if a weight had lowered from the ceiling, pressing against his torso to the point of collapse. There was no getting up tonight.

A quiet “sorry,” tried to escape his lips, but choked out halfway-through. As a blanket was lifted atop him, he began to slowly fade out. He felt Jane enter the bed, just as everything faded away…

…the next moment was feeling someone squirm in his arms. His eyes softly tried to open past the sand and gunk accumulated on top of them, and see saw Jane, much more aware, trying to leave the bed. Instinctually he tried softly to pull her back into bed. Stay with me, he thought to himself. He knew it was something he couldn’t control. He relaxed again, letting Jane slide out and pick up his arm, placing it closer to him, leaving him nothing to hold on to. As she left the room, Rob let out a sigh, and laid in place for another hour. One of his hands reached over and brushed against the sheets warm with the heat Jane had left behind. Slowly, but surely, the fabric beside him turned cooled, and the blasting air conditioning slowly lulled him into a blurry but strong awakening. He let out a moan as Jane told him to get out of bed.

Soon after she left, Rob slid out of bed and stood in the shower. After a minute or two in the warm water, he took in a deep breath, and flipped the water all the way to the left, pelting him with ice water. He gasped and writhed under it until he felt more than awakened.

It felt good to have resisted Mia’s temptations, but terrible to have done that to Jane. He had hoped she would’ve been long asleep, and he could’ve done his cleaning for himself in the morning. Having somebody take care of himself for him was not only embarrassing, but, if he had to admit it, emasculating as well. Especially because it was Jane. Someone he wanted to desperately to be on good terms with. No…more than good terms. The only thing he wanted right now was to hop back into bed with Jane, to hold her close to him, to have her sleep in his arms.

He sighed at the thoughts he was having, and left the bathroom to change, deciding to slap a beanie on his head as opposed to even trying to deal with the mop atop his head. In his room, he texted Sam:

8:02, Rob: Where are you?

8:05, Sam: Ended up crashing at Mia’s place. Left like twenty minutes ago to get ready.

8:06, Rob: Good.

8:08, Sam: I mean, not that I’m not grateful to be a part of your grand plans last night, but you need to find a way to resist women besides fucking yourself up. I almost left her to check on you.

8:10, Rob: Duly noted.

8:11, Sam: I’m serious. Don’t self-destruct because you got rejected.

Rolling his eyes, Rob closed the phone, and finished getting ready. Once he was, he walked out to the room and sat down, looking over to Jane.

“Look,” he started, staring down to the floor, “I uh, I don’t know if I slept at all or kept you up last night, but uh…thanks for taking care of me. I remember that much.” He blinked twice. He normally didn’t have lengthy hangovers, but this one was threatening to last much longer. “Thanks for being with me last night.”

He tried hard to hide his reaction to his own words, wishing he had phrased his last sentence any other way. In the end, he just tried to stay quiet, following Jane downstairs, who seemed to be hungover herself, and making their way over to Sam and Austin. Austin seemed rather alright, but Sam seemed especially out of it. When he felt like no one was looking at them, Rob gave Sam a small smile, thanking him in an unspoken language. The only other thing said between the four was on the car ride there. Sam had sat up feeling something underneath him. Reaching down, he pulled a woman’s arm bracelet out of his back pocket; the same one Rob recognized from Mia’s own arm yesterday.

“Sorry Jane,” Sam said, sliding it over to her. “You’ll probably see her sooner than I will.”

Other than that, the mood was rather quiet, until they had arrived. Soon enough, Sam, Austin, and Rob all waited in chairs to the side of the table, while Jane sat across from John, smiling and talking about all things related to the band.

He kind of found it funny how interviewers tended to hit up the same few topics; issues like the scene, their sound, their thoughts. Like the opinions and ideal of those who make music are somehow superior to that of the masses. Like whatever any of the four of them said would be so much more important than whatever others thought. It felt vapid at best, and torturous at worst.

Soon, Jane finished her portion of the interview, and Austin was next. He and John talked about different types of bass guitars (John turned out to be a former bassist himself), while next, Sam talked about his home life, his guitarist inspirations, and more.

By the time Rob got up there, he felt like most people were tuning out. The thoughts and opinions of the drummer seemed to matter least.

John: Finally we’ll finish with In Bloom’s loud and really technical drummer, Rob Pennie! Although I’m told most of these guy’s here call you Rob, but your first name is actually Jack, right?

Rob: I don’t know a soul who calls me Jack.

John: [Laughs] That’s fair enough! Now tell me Rob, In Bloom’s known a lot for it’s volume and energy, but you seem to draw the most acclaim for your technical style and tenacity. Although you’re not known to be a very public person.

Rob: Thank you. I don’t really keep up with critics. And I was thinking about launching an Instagram, but it’d be all road selfies and practice sessions. I don’t think anyone would be interested.

John: I’m sure someone would! But I think it’s interesting that you’ve gotten a few notable recommendations from some high-profile drummers. Arin Ilejay,Arejay Hale, Ben Thatcher…these guys are pretty well known.

Rob: Well, it’s really great to get recognized by my peers. I’m not usually one to get excited about endorsements or anything like that, but I enjoy the music they put out and I’m glad to hear they like ours.

John: You sound less than thrilled.

Rob: I get that a lot. The only time you’ll see me excited about other drummers is if Danny Carey or Dave Grohl talked about me. I’d be off the walls about that.

John: I wanted to talk about that, actually. You seem to blend a lot of the raw rhythms of Nirvana and other grunge acts really will into the intricacies and polyrhythms typically only associated with Tool.

Rob: You’ve done your research.

John: [Laughs] Thanks! I guess what I mean is, your style is really close to the styles of Carey and Grohl, and I found it really funny you mentioned them by name. The new single though: I have to ask, it seems a lot like new territory for you. Simpler, even.

Rob: Well, it’s a new step for all of us really. But we don’t look at our sound like something we have to be conscious of. It’s just a part of what happens in the studio. It just comes out of the work we do. Sometimes I have a lot of control over parts, and other times I need to hold onto the beat. It’s different for every song.

John: That almost sounds like deflecting.

Rob: I think it’s important to realize there are more minds here than just mine. Everyone in this band really loves and respects each other, and songs come out different each time. I mean…yeah, the single is what it is, and that may be why it sells so well. It’s not a rhythmic song; it’s all about the riffs and Jane’s vocals. Then you’ve got tracks like Speechless that wholly depend on me and Austin to hold things together. We’re one unit here, and maybe one sort of style is what people expect from us, but in reality we make what we’d like to make.

John: That’s well put. I almost feel bad for saying what I did. Thanks for being on with us.

Rob: No worries, glad to be here.

John: Well, that’s the end of the hour, so we’ve got to let these guys get back out there and ready for their next set. You’re listening to WRMS, and we’ve been talking to In Bloom. Check them out at Ground Control tonight while you can. The next time you see them may end up being in a stadium.

Rob set his headphones down, rubbing his ears from the combined pressure of the hoodie and the beanie. Next was a couple of photos with staff, a few autographs, and more formal conversations about everything from sound to shows. It was another hour before the guys got out of there.

“So Rob, why do you hate the single so much?” Sam asked, pantomiming a microphone in his hand and imitating John’s voice as they walked outside. Rob chucked.

“Well, I guess it’s all Sam’s fault for forcing it down my throat. But…you want to know a secret?”

Sam nodded.

“He’s kind of a massive pussy.”

The two shared a good laugh, paying no mind to the woman that had walked past who looked at them in horror. Rob felt a bit better after the interview. His headache was wearing off, and he was able to blow off some much-needed steam. But it was short-lived as he caught wind of Jane walking out behind them. He felt so bad for what he had put her though. He wanted to make it up to her in any way he could.

He just didn’t know how.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

It was unbearably loud in the nightclub. Rob felt as if he was essentially in the beating heart of the entire city; the walls pulsed and pumped around him, complete with the red lights that hung above and the swaying bodies moving throughout the dance-floor.

Rob, Sam, and Austin had claimed a half-circular booth off to the side of the floor, talking to themselves, having drinks that cost more than a tank of gas in their van, and talking to the various women that moved about them. Jane and Mia had stepped out a moment ago, and it was like the floodgates had opened; word has spread about their activity in the band. It was like the woman here wanted a claim to fame—hoping to spread the story of their respective one night stands with bands that had become far more famous in the meantime.

Mia in particular struck Rob to be in a similar vein as these other women, but with the added benefit of being someone Rob had known in the past. He wouldn’t lie to himself; she was incredibly attractive. Her curved body, her outfit, her wild curly hair, were all perfectly chaotic. She was more of a force than a person. A great temptation for Rob to choose to succumb to or deny.

He felt odd being back out in the open, single like this. Ever since Jane’s denial he hadn’t been with any women. Even after being freed from any and all expectations from her he still felt the undeniable urge to stay faithful to her, even if she wasn’t. He had no reason to believe she had been with anyone else, but he felt like it was only a matter of time before she indulged herself. It was only in the nature she had presented to him, and it was only nature that drew him to Mia. After Sam and Austin had excused themselves to dance with their prospects, Mia swarmed in like on perfect cue, sliding against him, pressing her skin against his.

“You’ve got to try this!” She exclaimed, first sipping her drink with crimson lips, then pressing the drink to his. He could taste her as he did so, drinking something that tasted far more like pure alcohol than not. “It’s like a spirit, but so much better!” she said, downing the rest. “Talk to me, Rob. What have you been up to?”

They continued on, with Mia’s advances being so obvious. He felt her leg slowly wrap around his under the table; her arms slowly growing closer to his.

They talked for several minutes, catching up on what Rob had done, and what Mia had done in the expanse between their last connection. Rob had purposefully dropped all contact with Mia, hoping to make sure Jane would’ve never found out about the events that had transpired. He never kept secrets from her, but he always felt like this one would’ve really hurt her. Over the years, he forgot about Mia, hoping she’d just be another girl that’d fade away, never to be seen again.

Yet here they were.

Mia seemed good enough. She had worked odd jobs, before settling in some office. It didn’t seem too out of character for her; she had always looked at jobs as simply a way to get money for the nights. Rob had always seen jobs such as those as a bit of a prison. He tried to explain how he felt, but Mia seemed less and less interested in small talk. Once Sam and Austin had gotten back from his dance, he was looking for a final way out of this. For Jane’s sake…he really didn’t want to do this.

He pulled Sam and Austin aside, claiming to have gone to get more drinks. The loud music roared from a speaker close to them, and they shouted to be heard.

Rob shouted something indistinguishable beyond the pulse of the music.

“What?!” Sam shouted.

“I need you to fuck Mia!” Rob shouted even louder. He felt head around them rotate. Sam’s eyes darted past Rob to the girl he had been eyeing that night.

“What makes you think she would?!” he shouted back.

“She likes you too,” he said, “she told me back at my place in high school. She’d be down for it!”

“How?!” he asked. Sam seemed to be alright with the idea, but doubted the execution. Rob could catch wind of Mia’s glare from the table.

“Just follow my lead,” Rob said. He looked around again. “Where’s Jane?” 

“She came by the bar a minute ago, said she was going back to the room. She seemed pretty shit-faced.”

Rob sighed, hoping he hadn’t have been the cause of whatever influenced Jane to drink that night. Still, a part of him was happy she didn’t run off with another man. She had every right to, but the thought still burned.

He thanked Sam, and took him back to the table. The hours past faster now, with the three of them taking turns slipping into the restrooms and enjoying a line or two of Mia’s personal stash. Rob kept up face, making sure to push Sam at Mia whenever possible. After Austin had long since left the nightclub with another woman under his arm, Sam and Rob were still there, horrendously drunk, very high, and loosing consciousness fast.

“I’m going to go find another drink!” He slurred out, wiping the cocaine from his nose. He had to focus much harder now, making sure to give Sam a slap on the back as he felt. Last he saw of them before the door closed behind him, Sam had lifted Mia up, setting her on the sink and sliding between her legs. He smiled faintly as he tried to make his way out.

The music and noise all blended together this late at night. He felt like he was in some sort of vision or nightmare. He fought his way outside, pushing past everyone he saw and calling an Uber.

“Shit, dude,” the driver said as Rob climbed into his seat. The driver passed a few napkins back to Rob. He looked down, realizing his nose had bled down his face and onto his shirt. “I’m surprised you could even call me.”

Rob mumbled a thanks as he made it to the hotel, making sure to tip the driver well. By the time me made it into the room, he collapsed against the wall by the door. Dried blood clung to his face. Matted hair stuck in randomized bunches against his forehead and eyes. The rush of the coke and the buzzing of the drinks were mixing together all to terribly. Crawling to the sink, Rob wretched out the contents of his stomach, moaning slightly as he did so. He felt a sort of small victory, having found a way around being with Mia. But…it felt more and more like a pyrrhic victory, as he slid down unto the floor by the door. Balling himself up, he felt the cold floor against he cheek as he held himself and closed his eyes. Every fiber of his being wanted to force himself up to his room, to keep Jane from seeing what he had done. But he was more than drained; having conquered his temptations by drowning them out.

Forcing himself to sit up on the floor at the very least, he reached above his head, pulling down a glass, slipping it into the water dispenser by the fridge and pulling down a fresh glass of water, and sipped on it. He leaned his head against the cabinets behind him, and tried to angle his legs away from the door, hoping not to get tripped over in case Jane slipped in. With that final act, he closed his eyes, knowing he was in for another long, sleepless night. He only hoped he could be sober enough to manage the interview tomorrow.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

After the set, Rob tossed his sticks into the audience, before walking off with the others, slicking his hair back with the sweat he had built up within it. A stagehand tossed his a water bottle just off to the side. He thanked them as he downed the water in a single take.

He loved the feeling of the shows, especially now that everything seemed so aligned. Any and all frustration was brought to the stage and beaten to utter shit along with the rest of his drum heads. In fact, he was pretty sure he’d have to make Harold give him some money for new heads soon, seeing as how his floor and rack tom were both starting to give way to dents; the second of the two-layered material cracking from it’s constant, heavy usage.

Looking off to the side, he saw Jane put her own sweaty hair up. He envied the convenience, and either wished his hair could hurriedly catch up for his to tie it back, or else he’d probably buzz it off to be done with his little experiment.

Catching up with Sam and Austin after load-out, the three caught up with Jane as she was talking to someone. As he got closer, Rob started wondering. Could it be—?

It was.

“Holy shit,” Rob said involuntarily.

Mia gave Rob a sultry smile and greeted him. It was the same smile he remembered from high school. Back in those days, Mia had been quite vocal about her feelings to Rob, especially during the days building up to her move to New York. Her last day at Long Beach, Rob had called her over. He was much more direct during those days: he wasn’t ever interested in relationships, but when he wanted someone…

He had always found her to be really attractive, but knowing she wouldn’t be around anymore escalated things. They spent several hours together that day and night.

Mia was so much like Jane, but she was totally opposite in Rob’s mind. Jane represented emotion, a connection with someone he hadn’t had with anyone else. Mia was a purely superficial entity for Rob. At least…she used to be. Seeing her again now was too odd.

He was so lost in thought about it, he let the others respond to the suggestion of hanging out with her go by without him. Sam and Austin seemed so eager, but this wasn’t a situation he really wanted to be in.

Once they had gotten to the room, Rob waited for Jane to step out of the shower, and slipped in as soon as he was sure she had left it. As he rinsed off, he could smell whatever fragrances Jane had left in the air behind her. He longed for the evening they had spent together almost like it was a passing memory rather than simply earlier that day.

He got out, cleaned up his beard a bit, and slipped on a clean white shirt over a bomber jacket and a clean pair of pants. He was in his room when he heard Mia come inside. He couldn’t help but hear them talk about him for just a moment, before seeing Jane peer in as he finished scribbling something down some lyrics he had thought of in a journal.

“Sure,” he said, looking up and setting his work down. He followed her back into the main room, seeing Mia again.

“Good to see you, Rob,” Mia said, her voice dripping with memories of their past. Rob offered her a cordial smile.

“It’s been a while,” he tossed out, before diving his eyes into his phone. “I’ll grab Sam and Austin. Meet you at the lobby?”

Before he could hear a response, he slipped out the front door without looking back. He almost forgot to breathe until he got down there, finding Sam and Austin waiting patiently.

“Where’s Jane?” Sam asked. “With Mia?”

Rob nodded, swallowing as well. “I wasn’t expecting to see her again.” Before he could continue, Austin laughed loudly as Sam rolled his eyes and handed him twenty dollars. “Wha—you—you bet on this?” He asked, mortified.

“Twenty dollars that you fucked her before she moved to New York,” Austin said bluntly. Rob looked around to make sure any kids or moms were around as he said it.

“I didn’t say that,” Rob about whispered.

“You didn’t have to.”

Rob took in a deep breath, before approaching them closer than he had before. “Look,” he said, “I’m just trying to figure out shit with Jane—“

“Well holy shit!” Sam about shouted, “I never would’ve guessed!”

“Look,” Rob about spat out, “I don’t want things to get any more fucked up. So just…help me out here.”

“So…you don’t want to fuck Mia?” Sam asked. Rob half-jokingly punched him in the shoulder. But just enough to hurt.

Before they could continue, Jane and Mia walked around the corner, and soon enough, all of them were off on a night on the town. One that couldn’t end soon enough.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Led Zeppelin was a welcome change to what Rob hadn’t expected from Jane. Especially not “Whole Lotta Love.” It reminded him of another memory that played out ahead of him while he kept the beat:

Back in the day, Rob had been infinitely more obsessed with Led Zeppelin, even more than he would let on. It was a gateway drug for him; an entryway into music beyond the scope of generic rock or Top 40 radio. Somewhere during the height of the excitement, during the short time-frame where he drove her around before she had gotten a car, he’d always bother Jane with tracks like Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, blasting the breakdown at about two minutes and twenty seconds into the song, head-banging to the beat and slamming the wheel. He was pretty sure she thought he was going to kill them both.

The song Jane had chosen wasn’t the kind to fly down the highway too, but it was certainly one to play with someone with vocals like hers. She felt her way around the melodies, taking whichever route she wanted to. She seemed to sway in the rhythm, looking back a few times at Rob. He kept his own eyes with the guest bassist and guitarist, making sure to keep with them and motion for when he wanted to slow or speed up, but he couldn’t help but feel more than a few mixed emotions about the specific choice. And not only that, but…the way she would look at him. It was so similar to the way she had that very first show of the tour, but in another way so completely different.

He tried so hard to shake the thoughts from his mind, but he worried a parasite had wormed it’s way into his brain. Something he could never get out. Hope was the easiest way to get his heart broken, and it’s the last thing he wanted to happen.

He kept it in his mind at the pizza place, too. all throughout the ultimately meaningless conversations and jokes. Each look in her eye. Each touch of the arm. All of it was starting to become overthought. Overanalyzed to the point of nothingness, until Rob eventually tried to admit to himself that it wasn’t something he could ever realize.

Still in this moment, he was glad to be with Jane. With his friend. Regardless of motive, she was being forward with him, and normal again. For this small fleeting little moment, everything was just…fine.

“I’m glad we got to do this,” he said, eyeing the crust on his plate, wondering if he wanted to go ahead and finish it. For some reason, eye contact with her was always easy…except when discussing themselves.

As Jane motioned to leave, he decided against finishing the slice and agreed that it was time to go.

---

At the room, Rob switched out of his nicer clothes and reverted to old habits; an old Anberlin shirt was thrown on, above a pair of black shorts and Nikes.

Jane waited outside, and Rob just about stopped in place when he realized that she was wearing a dress, of all things. It wasn’t that she looked bad—in fact he found her gorgeous in this moment—but it was so very odd. Like there was some sort of special occasion. He made a mental note to ask Austin about this before trying to play it off.

“I didn’t know you owned a dress,” he said lightly, moving to the fridge and taking an energy drink out. He couldn’t help but be serious for a moment: “You look great, Jane.”

He tried to focus on other things, such as the upcoming show, all throughout meeting back up with Sam and Austin, heading to the show, and all throughout load-in as well. The entire process was a blur to him, but he was sure to open his eyes again when he saw The Pit.

It was a venue that looked almost like it was trying to copy The Cavern Club, that old shitty venue the Beatles had played in. The entire place was designed to look underground; so much so, he wasn’t sure if they actually were or not. Since they had decided to stay in New York for a few days, Harold had scheduled them in smaller, more intimate venues, known for launching bands. He figured it would be a good play for them, but Rob figured he had googled the place moments before booking them into it.

Rob peered out behind a curtain to see the crowd, before he realized; they were the headliner here. In all the chaos and confusion, Rob hadn’t realized Harold booked them as the headliner. Festivals were all they had ever played on this tour. Something about seeing the several hundred people all itching for them gave Rob a tinge of nervousness; broken by Austin’s voice:

“Crazy we brought these people in,” he said, giving Rob a jolt with his loudness. Austin laughed at the scene.

“Hope we can deliver…” Rob mumbled. Austin slapped him on the back rather, hard, before turning to go away. Before he could, Rob called out after him. “What uh…do you know what’s going on with Jane?” He tried to ask innocently.

Austin’s face put on a smug little grin. “Dude, I’m not even getting involved. Good luck!”

Austin ran off before Rob could get in another word, leaving him to sit and wonder.

Sometimes, he really fucking hated that guy.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob didn’t really get it when people thought Jane looked dirty or average. She was fucking beautiful.

It was the first thought that ran through his head as she came out and complimented him. He as glad she had noticed but was even more distracted by her own beauty. Features people complained about were the one’s he seemed to be drawn to the most. Her tangled hair enthralled him. Her smaller frame fit perfectly with his the once night they had spent together. And…being braless never hurt.

“You look better,” he responded honestly, instantly regretting the words as he come from his mouth. Sometimes he felt as if he was trying to sabotage himself. Luckily, Jane didn’t seem to make any obvious reaction to his words, so he was quick to leave them behind in the room, as the two walked out and headed into town.

That view he had had of the city from so far above seemed much odder here below. The people went from seeming like ants to feeling like a flood of bodies much bigger than himself. Luckily, the roads they traveled seemed to avoid the worst of it, and talking to Jane made the rest of the crowds disappear.

She seemed happier than before. Less nervous and more open to just simply talk. It felt like they had been friends again, and like every mistake they had made had long since faded with time. Rob constantly noticed things in Jane he had never before. The way she marched along the street with such confidence. Her eyes glowing as she remembered something. The way she lightly bit her lip as she was straining her mind for answers.

He laughed pretty hard with her as she remembered the past; specifically during the story of Sam. He straightened up and put on his best Sam voice: “Fuck you guys! Damn it, that fucking hurt!” he quoted Sam loudly from that night, drawing a few strange eyes for his sudden and excessive profanity. He laughed soon after, glad to have someone to remember that sight with him.

He kept smiling, even as Jane took his hand and dragged him into the record store. He took hers back as well, feeling her softer, lighter fingers before releasing soon after. Rob had always liked the sound of vinyl, but Jane loved it.

He ended up buying a classic Brand New record for himself that Jane had pointed out as she found it in a bin, knowing Rob’s love for the band.

He smiled at past memories of sitting in Jane’s home, staring at the ceiling together, tapping their feet slightly to the beat of the songs as they passed, talking softly to each other and taking turns getting up to flip or switch out the record. He had spent more time in that bedroom his high school and college-aged years than his own home. As he waited for Jane to finish up, he thought about those days:

Shit was always thrown about in Jane’s room, but some of Rob’s old things had begun making their way in as well as the years had gone by. Jane’s mom used to be a bit more suspicious of Rob (he was a bit older), but after a while, seemed to stop taking much interest in either Rob or Jane. For her sake, he never mentioned it.

He’d slip back into his home in the early morning, sometimes passing his father as he left for work. The two stopped talking to each other around the same time Rob graduated.

Rob’s father was an odd-man-out in Long Beach; the lone conservative in a liberal sea. He had moved into the area with his wife and child for the pay, but seemed so angry at Rob once he altered his style; stayed out long past curfew and hung out with the wrong crowds, in his father’s opinion.

His mother seemed to ignore the problems while his father grew more distant. After a night of confrontation, Rob condemned just about everything about his father right to his face. After that, they only spoke through his mother, or when absolutely necessary. In fact, the first time after a year they had spoken was for his father to tell him that a cousin of his had committed suicide.

Rob had gone to Jane’s house immediately afterwards, telling her casually since it had come up in conversation. She somehow knew exactly how to respond. She didn’t try to weasel the words out of him, nor did she try to tell him she knew how he felt. They simply continued on as they were, enjoying each other’s company and talking shit about the other kids at school. For years after, he was so glad he had spend that night at Jane’s house versus trying to talk things out with his mother. He loved her, surely, but Jane knew Rob. And he didn’t need a shoulder to cry on.

He just needed a person to share a bed with. To remind him he wasn’t alone.

Rob shook his head slightly to drain the thoughts from his head as he saw Jane finish purchasing her records. They walked back outside, and continued with the block; talking about whatever they wished.

”Anywhere you’d like to go?”

Rob smiled. In his mind, anywhere she wanted would’ve been fine with him. But now, it was his choice to make the decision.

Before anything could come to his mind, he heard the distinctive sound of live music, coming from somewhere in the area. Looking to Jane, he moved forward, before spotting a bar with a sizable amount of people hanging around the area for this time of day. He moved inside, catching the tail end of a group of guys covering Judith by A Perfect Circle.

He applauded as he heard the final notes, and smiled as the singer cleared his voice with beer and thanked everyone in the town. From the smell of cigarettes to the sounds of idle chat, Rob felt so at home in this place. Music played here meant something. It was purposeful, straight from the heart, and usually really great.

The guys each moved off their instruments as a bartender quietly handed Rob and Jane an IPA without so much as an ID check. Rob realized that it was no band that was playing, but rather it was the bar’s instruments, and anyone willing to come up with their friends and play were free to do so at will.

The next round of people drunkenly moved up to the instruments, much to the clear distain of a worker watching them closely. They quickly delved into a shitty cover of The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. Rob couldn’t help but laugh at how loose they were with the tempo, as the drummer continually sped up the band before trying much to late too slow things down.

“Man, fuck these guys,” Rob said, sipping his drink. He turned to Jane briefly to see how she was reacting to the sight. “We could do better than this.”

Actually… Rob thought to himself.

“We probably should.”

Rob chugged the rest of the IPA in his hand. It was pretty shitty anyways, and he needed the alcohol much more than he liked the taste. He felt the fluid grow warm in his stomach, knowing he’d have a light buzz kick in soon; if only for a few minutes.

“Do you want to?” he asked her.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Jane’s voice growled next to him; textured by the night’s sleep. It almost shocked Rob, and he suppressed a slight jolt as she appeared next to him.

His hands barely received the pack of cigarettes tossed their way soon after. That pack found itself bouncing around in Rob’s fingers, before landing with a thud on the concrete, inches from where Jane’s feet were planted. He slid himself closer to her to pick them up, and pulled one out. He would surely need one after that show of awkwardness.

“You’re welcome,” his voice softly came in response to the breakfast. It really had been nothing more than habit, but he was happy Jane appreciated the gesture. She had even gone further, asking him to go exploring for a bit. His mind locked upon her phrasing: you and I. Not the band. Not a group. Them.

“I don’t want to be stuck in the room all day.”

“Me either,” he came. He turned to her and smiled. “I’d love to.”

No. Too strong. For god’s sake, man.

He quickly tried to suppress the smile, turning back to the view in front of them. From their close distance, Rob could almost feel the hairs on his arms brush against hers. He wanted to badly to hold her in this moment. But it was so fleeting, as Jane turned away, leaving him alone on the balcony once more. After seeing her once again, he felt tired. She had slept and awoken in the time had spent conscious. What was he going on, now? 30 hours? It sure felt like it.

Once Jane had moved into her own room, Rob slid into his, leaving the door open and fixing up a few things. But the more he thought, the more he wanted to just sleep. If only for an hour. Or thirty minutes…something. His being awake wasn’t going to help anyone. But he needed to stay awake, didn’t he? He didn’t want Jane to wait up on him. He wanted to be with her…definitely. But each passing moment he felt more and more like a zombie.

Eventually the decision was made for him, as he heard his name called out for him. He turned in place to see Jane entering his room…sheepishly? She walked with an air of insecurity that he hadn’t seen from her before. Her steps were less certain, her shoulders more tense. What had been the problem? It couldn’t have been something he had done. No…no there wasn’t a thing he had done all day besides cook food and drop cigarettes. Then what was it?

”I just don't really get what being normal is anymore”

Well…maybe it was something he did.

“I should’ve said that some other way,” he said, scratching the back of his head. God, he wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to reach and out hug her. Hold her. Do whatever the fuck she wanted him to do. Her hurting him was bad, but hurting her felt so much worse.

He watched as her eyes darted away from his, locking onto a spot upon the floor. Shit…she looked so vulnerable for once. It made no sense. The Jane he knew wasn’t one to open herself up. She closed herself off, mostly. Maybe tried to find comfort in other people, sure…but venerability? This was an entirely new concept from her, and he was much too dense, tired, and confused to really try to understand what was the source of it.

She turned to leave, then turned back. His name left her lips in a way that seemed to signal something important…only to be followed by:

"Get some rest and we'll go out later.”

“Uh, sure,” he stammered out. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been that. “I’ll meet you out here soon.”

With his words she had closed the door between them, leaving him more confused that he had hoped to be this early in the day. His mind, for once, refused to process any of it. He simply walked to the bed after setting an alarm, fell under his covers, and was asleep in about two minutes.

Two hours later, the alarm rang, and he felt as if no time had passed. However, his body felt just a bit better. The edge had been shorn off his haze, and he no longer felt the need to hibernate for the rest of the day. To mellow out, he kept his lights off and placed his headphones on, playing Your Move by O’Brother as he stared at the ceiling and zoned out to the ethereal sounds and harmonies, smoking a joint as he did so.

Afterwards, he changed out of his dirty clothes from earlier and stripped to his boxers. He marched across the apartment with a fresh change of clothes and closed the door behind him before bothering to look up. He showered diligently, keeping it as warm as he could manage to keep things soothing, before slipping out, drying off, and putting on fresh clothes. A plain white tee remained layered under a grey cardigan and black jeans, cuffed above black converses. It was a bit different than his usual style, but he felt good to have a change of clothes on for once. He pushed the sleeves up on slightly, unhappy with how they hid his forearms.

He mashed the familiar products into his damp hair, forcing it to comply to his demands. After feeling satisfied with the way he looked, he walked into the kitchen, are brewed coffee. As soon as it was ready, he drank it: black. The vile mixture burned at his throat as he forced it down, needing the caffeine rather than the taste. He must’ve been pushing 10 cups over the past 48 hours.

He sat in the living room and waited patiently on his phone, scrolling through different bands he had been following, before Jane came into the room. He felt so bad for earlier, even if he didn’t fully understand it. He had to find a way to make it up to her somehow today. Make her feel better without pushing himself too far. Rob realized how funny it was, how both of them were trying to figure the other out, see what was good and what was bad. It was like they had been meeting for the very first time.

“If I sleep anymore, I won’t sleep tonight,” he said. “I’m ready whenever you are. What did you have in mind?”

He knew it probably would’ve been best if he had at least made a suggestion, but the fear of making things worse had driven him to be more passive than he’d like. And…to be honest with himself, wherever Jane wanted to go would be fine. He just wanted her to be honest with him, because no matter how hard he tried to keep his expectations down, he felt more and more like that moment hours before at the doorway had meant far more than what it seemed.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The band’s show had left Rob both physically and emotionally drained. The crowd never ceased to show loud enough to fuel him through the setlist, but once the final note had finished, Rob felt like he had had enough. Sam and Austin had agreed to go out on the town that night, while the other two members seemed more interesting in staying in. Once him and Jane had returned to their shared room, Rob moved into the kitchen and saw Jane walk right past, closing herself within the bathroom shared between them. He figured that she must have felt the same way about the shows. Night after night, the songs melded into each other. It first became tiring, then grueling, then absolutely crushing. He was glad that there were no plans tomorrow, and seeing as how the kitchen was completely empty, he decided to head down to the hotel’s convenience store and pick up a few things.

Thirteen floors later, Rob had arrived at the lobby of their hotel. He found a bitter irony in the fact that their floor, the thirteenth by technicality, was labeled “14” out of old superstition. As if changing the name would alter the fact that the floor was still “unlucky.”

After arriving at the hotel’s rather large convenience store, Rob shot a text to Harold:

11:39, Rob: Buying groceries, not hookers. I’d watch out for Sam and Austin though.

With each dollar the band pulled in, the greater strain Harold felt to monitor the spendings. He had set up a joint account between the four of them for shared band money back at the start of the tour. Then, there was little more than a few hundred in that account. Now, Harold never gave Rob a straight answer when he asked exactly how much he had.

Rob picked up a few things he felt like cooking, a decent amount of booze, several cartons of cigarettes, and some snack food he knew Jane would like. He hauled the load back over into the elevator, up to the thirteenth/fourteenth floor, and loaded it into the kitchen, just in time to see Jane’s toweled body cross the floor and close herself into her room. Soon after, the smell of her joint faded through the room, and for the first time on the tour, Rob actually worried about the hotel figuring it out. The nicer the rooms they stayed it, the less independent Rob felt. Each show came with more rules. Each dollar made had terms and conditions. It made Rob feel as if their little group had begun to loose it’s control. That the waves that had carried them thus far would continue to push them until there wasn’t much left to push.

To keep himself occupied, Rob browned some beef he had bought downstairs and hastily made some Hamburger Helper. In the living room, Rob set down his plate, opened a bottle of apple ale, and opened Netflix. Shit, this hotel had everything…

The later in the evening it became, the lower he turned the volume, as not to upset Jane. Then, as night faded into early morning, Rob continued to deny the fact that he just could not sleep.

He had tried to lay down somewhere between three and four in the morning. The massive bed felt cold to him. Each time he’d roll over he’d want Jane to be there; to enjoy her warmth, her scent…her taste…

Rob sat up in the bed before he could let his mind travel any further. How did he manage to be so close to her for so many years? He marveled at his own resolve in those days, but in actuality, it was just oblivion.

Rob had never once thought a romantic thought of Jane in high school. At the time, he had little concern for relationships; managing a few casual flings and the occasional friends-with-benefits with other women within the rock scene, when he felt the need. He looked at his own sexuality in those days as something to be maintained and controlled, to keep it from distracting him from what was really important.

Well, it certainly was distracting him now.

By nine in the morning Rob had long since given up, and sat on the balcony of their hotel, smoking cigarettes and not moving since the sun had risen earlier that day. New York was intricate and impressive, sure, but it almost felt wrong. Men and women marched like ants below him, surely traveling to their jobs, fighting for their paychecks. Some may had been analysts or brokers, agents and entrepreneurs, all lobbying for the same goal; money. In that goal the world around them turned to concrete and rebar; aside from Central Park, the green seemed to be sucked out from their world. Even back in Long Beach, Rob enjoyed what little untouched nature there was. Out here, it seemed so loud and desperate.

Rob had no interest in living that kind of lifestyle; however odd that may have seemed to his classmates. He didn’t need or want the security of the sanctity of the city. At most, he enjoyed the view and the concept of it, but it was just another Long Beach to him. A world with borders and limits that one day Rob would outgrow like Long Beach before it.

He guessed that he liked the idea of stability rather than the implementation. Such it was with Jane.

Convention warned him away from Jane. But everything about her just drew him closer. The way she hated convention. The spirit. The small things like the smiling face that stared back at him in the mirror in the bathroom. The more he thought of what seemed wrong, the more he wanted it. He didn’t want her to change a thing about herself.

He thought about all these things and more as he watched the night end and the day continue on without him, and it made him feel very, very small.

By eleven Rob had smoked the last of a carton of cigarettes and fried a half-dozen eggs, getting the amount he wanted and leaving the rest on the stovetop for Jane if she wanted it. His initial plan would simply not work. It was a waste to have even considered logic with the way he felt.

As he looked out into the city, at the millions of people below him, all Rob wanted was Jane.

He remembered a song from long ago:

As a preteen, his musical taste wasn’t yet developed. Songs he enjoyed remained on infinite repeat as other tracks remained difficult to find. His parents had never been musical people, and anything in the CD store labeled PARENTAL ADVISORY was off-limits to him.

He had gone to summer camp and met a girl. One night, they had snuck away, and she played CD’s she had burned earlier—tracks her elder sisters had shown her. One of those was a live cover: a song originally by Nine Inch Nails, altered into harder rock by Flyleaf. As they had made out under the stars, Rob could remember the lyrics to that song, as clear as day.

“I just want something I can never have,” Rob whispered under his breath as he looked down from the balcony. To have said it out loud made him feel so much better.

After the End

@Shorticus Go for it! I see no need to write the scene out myself, either.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The conditioned air gave Rob a chill as he sat upon the foot of the bed, lost in thought for several minutes. Gentle footfalls pattered across the floor beyond his room, followed soon by shuffled fabric and Jane’s voice. The tune of Nirvana hadn’t hit his ears in such a long time; unlike some, he felt as if the band had a sound that was worth experiencing via a straightforward listening of one of their albums as opposed to just singling out specific tracks. However, as time moved forward there was a pretentious irony in enjoying the music, so Rob’s pleasure faded with time. On this specific evening, he was willing to reminisce in his former pleasure of the band, and sang along, alone, softy with Jane: All in all is all we are. Simple, repetitive, and beautiful.

Rob enjoyed a joke to himself as he thought of it: their single was two of these things. And as he continued to think, he couldn’t help but remember a painfully relevant verse from another Nirvana song:

”I’ll take advantage while you hang me out to dry. But I can’t see you every night…free.

He stood from the bed and made his way into the bathroom, making sure to pull his toiletries from his bag as he did so. He had a fortunate habit of showering on impulse, an issue few felt with be problematic. It did no good to his skin and hair’s dryness, but it did wonders for his mind. As he climbed in, Jane’s voice continued to permeate, creeping it’s way under his door and finding its muffled melodies through Rob. Oh, he tried so hard to not think of it. To not feel. Yet it was an impossibility. He launched his hand to the shower’s lever, twisting it clockwise and pouring icy water on his body, sending shivers and panicked nerves up his body. It was the only way to shower in peace.

Afterwards, Rob threw a usual cocktail of ingredients into his hair. It was a mixture of pastes, fibers, and creams, designed to keep his head smelling decent and keep his long hair from poofing out into an undesirable frizzy bush that it would usually become, if such precautions weren’t taken. His mind had recovered from the shower, and continued to ramble on it’s own thoughts and patterns. He worried about his future, his band, his feelings, his ambitions, his lust, his wants, his desires—

It never ceased to end. Only when he had forced himself asleep did his thoughts finally die down, releasing his into a bitter sleep…

…which felt so soon awakened by Jane’s gentle touch, shaking him back into his own body. Rob murmured a quiet “thanks” into the air as he heard her slide back out of the door. The latch locked into place with a quiet click, and once again it was quiet.

Being so close to Jane gave Rob a sense of pleasure—it reminded him of feelings he used to feel back in Junior High. It was like an innate sense of longing, a passionate, burning rage only fueled by lust and hormones. He remembered himself: acne-ridden, managing his hair only with his own clippers at home, luckily having more confidence than the other insecure men around him, making out with any cute girl within a few miles. It was a time of experimentation and impulsive desire. Now, the feeling had returned, but it was only Jane that made him feel that way.

There was maturity too, no doubt; it wasn’t just his sexuality that drove him. What he felt she didn’t understand was that he wasn’t going after Jane for security or stability. He wasn’t so blind as to think she would alter herself to match him. She was truly what he wasn’t. It was an honest admission to himself that he wanted what he didn’t have when he accepted his desire for her. In his own selfish mind he felt so bad that Jane felt like it was what he wanted. But he could never blame her for the assumption. The world around them wanted stability; it wanted the acceptance of mediocrity. Of a Bachelor’s degree in Engineering and a desk job—401k’s and two and a half children to be coddled up to start the sequence over again. It was a cheap bastardization of rigidness and the American Dream gone so horribly, horribly wrong.

What Rob desired most of all was forwardness and honesty from himself and those around him. He had lived his rigid lifestyle for so long that it was almost as if his instincts desired to off-set himself. Perhaps it was right. Perhaps Jane was right for him.

Or, perhaps Jane was right about stability. The world was beginning to fall flat in his head. It melded and emulsified into a sea of confusion to which there was no surface. Words piled atop words until it all lost meaning. Death by endless repetition.

As Rob dressed and exited his room, having put on a tight purple shirt and his usual black jeans. As soon as he left the room, the world simplified around him. He didn’t feel a need to overcomplicate with Jane. Merely being in her presence just made him feel better. Prose dropped. His walls fell. No unnecessary contact seemed so banal to him now. A battle was waging between the id and the ego. And the id was winning.

“Let’s go,” he said with a smile.

---

The festivals grew larger each passing day. It seemed so hilarious to Rob, that a mere week ago, the shows that had played kept them marginalized to an opening set and so few songs. It proved how fast fame moved in a digital age. Now, they played larger and later sets than Vulture. They had even been in talks to upgrade to a rented tour bus. With a driver. On payroll.

How the hell did that even begin to become an option for them? In case anyone was wondering, it was an easy answer: the single.

Rob had a love-hate relationship with that damned song that only continue to grow with each passing show. He played it with more spirit and energy than he truly wanted to, but it could only be faked so often and so effectively that he knew one day he’d read an article about how contrived his actions were.

As he waited for the show past his load-in and sound check, This Body by The Dear Hunter blasted through his headphones. He had always admired the entire sprawling album the track had come from; as well as the breakdown about three minutes-plus into the song. It was so deceptive and simple. Played live, he had seen it for himself a few years ago—one of the coolest experiences he had.

After finishing the track, Rob pulled his headphones out as Sam approached him:

“We’ve made an alteration to the setlist,” he said through his trademark stupid grin. “We’re not opening with the single.”

“You’re going to switch it out with another track?”

“We’re going to switch it around and put it in the middle. We wanted…to move Speechless to the opening track.”

Rob’s eyes lit up slightly. “Thank God,” he said in a voice, trying to be calm, “it’s designed to be an opener anyways.”

So as the lights dimmed upon the stage minutes later, and Rob’s snare rolled out into the audience, he began to feel alive again. This performance would not be faked. Rob needed an outlet for his energy, and Speechless took the form upon itself.

With each moment that past, every fiber of his being was slowly turning against his better nature. Off of this stage, he would need to fight against himself, try so very hard to respect the line Jane had drawn. But…on here? He could be honest. He could look up to the roaring crowds and masses that had come so far to see them, and he could ignore it all.

He looked instead to Jane—her figure silhouetted from his perspective against thousands of bodies, and he could play as if he loved her. Because he did.

And with Rob behind her, he assumed Jane could play as if the past few days had never happened. As if Rob didn’t love her, but also…because she didn’t love Rob.

Because as far as he was aware…she didn’t.

After the End

I should be posting tonight. Anyone want to interact with Amos? If not, I'll have something by midnight EST.

EDIT: Attempting to do a dual post. Will post once it works out.