mdk

Safeway is an awesome store

I know there's a Safeway in Colorado Springs, because I bought steaks there once.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

<Snipped quote by mdk>

Alright, I wouldn't mind.

And yeah, I wrote the story... Probably should have mentioned that in the PM, but meh, next entry.

@Psyga315

The thing that jumped out at me was 'names.' First when Nicholas is fighting the various monsters, we see the word 'Monster' pop up like a bunch of times (and also 'Slugger/sluggers'). Later, when Nicholas and Daishuryou are fighting, each of their names gets spelled out practically every sentence. Mind you -- the action is great. But it's written in such a way that the reader needs you to clarify who's stabbing which person at any given moment. And again -- you're covering that base so we don't wind up confused, and you're doing a fine job of that. The next level, according to some jerk on the internet, is to structure the writing so that you can use more pronouns, and the readers still don't wind up confused. There's a thousand ways to skin that cat. Me personally, I tighten up the sentences and shed a lot of details -- bad example I'm making up, I would almost always transform "John punched James in the chest, and James kicked John in the neck" into "They traded blows." When I do that, I'm simplifying the action a bit, and leaving a bit more to the reader's imagination, but I'm also skipping right ahead to the next sentence, and on the whole (if I do it right), the scene will flow faster and keep the pulse pounding just a little harder.

This isn't basic-level stuff -- this is the part where every writer has to do things their own way and find their own answer. If you try it my way, odds are, you'll hate it -- so don't try it my way. The point isn't to change your style, it's for you to start thinking about new ways to turn choreography into stylized writing. So you take something like:

As he realized it, Daishuryou found a chance and cut off Nicholas’ arm off. Before Nicholas had time to scream in pain, Daishuryou ran his sword through Nicholas.

That's all the steps to a pretty sweet dance. In theater it's called 'blocking:' person A goes to spot X while person B does Y. You can take those movements and turn them into a performance -- it's more than just getting the steps right, it's adding your own flavor. Maybe you pause for a reflection -- "Nicholas realized how hopeless the fight was. True enough, as that thought crossed his mind, a searing pain ripped through his arm, and before he even found the time to scream, Daishuryou's sword was hilt-deep in his chest." Maybe you play up some hardcore fighting technique instead -- "Nicholas had to be fast. He gambled on a parrying move -- and missed! He was no match for this foe, and he realized it too late. Daishuryou's inward cross-slash took his arm off at the elbow, and he was helpless. The finishing riposte came an instant later."

Really, anything. The goal is to treat action as a chance to show off your style. You can't do that until you've got good action -- and you have plenty of good action, communicated well. I think it's time for the next step.

Any Skydivers?

what leg

Any Skydivers?

I *almost* did a little, but wound up doing gliders instead. The jumpers always scared the shit out of me because they're falling through/near our landing pattern.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Damian

It's exactly how a meaningful zombie outbreak death SHOULD go. I think it might have been more compelling to see how it shouldn't -- there's tragedy but not a lot of irony (I'm using that word wrong, but it's the word that comes to mind). A little more outside-the-box, I guess, is what I'm thinking. The writing is fine (just fine -- could be better). You've focused entirely on the action when a lot of other things are going on -- okay, yes, he's running/limping away from the walking dead, but he's also realizing he's doomed, and that aspect could use a little more screen time.

Santos

Solid There's some awkward word choice sprinkled throughout.... phrases like 'The group he was a member of,' you know, probably just axe that when you proof-read and find another way to say it. And I was bumming a little bit at how much you used the word 'Give' in the fight -- it's a weird fighting word, and it shows up a lot! But the bigger focus is on how meaningless the effort was, and you nailed that. Bringing up all the failures in his last moments was a nice touch. Would've been simple to just let him realize 'oh crap I'm dead,' but the civilians make it hurt more. We could talk some technique on the fight scene if you want, but that's nitty-gritty and I'll save it for now -- but if you wanna have a conversation let me know, here or in PM, I have general thoughts on your approach.

Benjamin

Wow. Character, plot, emotion, etc. I couldn't even begin to think of how you could do any better there. Terrific piece. I will say though, you've got quite the comma infestation going on. It's the only weak point I can find, so I'll hammer it some more -- the sentence structure comes across as just plain sloppy when you tie thoughts together that way. Break out. Use periods. MAKE IT SO! And that's my only complaint. Delightfully tragic story.

Tumbleweed

Heh, so, uh, well that was me, and yeah........ bottom-of-the-barrel stuff compared to what I'm reading from everybody else. The take-away here, folks (and me), is that exposition is the lazy man's sport. What I meant to do was to tell the reader how the most painful part of dying was Anne's betrayal. What I actually did was cheapen the story beyond saving, by depriving the readers of a chance to get involved. Would the plot be as complex if I actually wrote the lead-in? Probably not -- there's just not enough time or space to get all that on paper. But it would've been better that way. Narrative trumps exposition every single time, and I needed this reminder to slap me back on course. I don't think the reviews were mean enough. BUT -- for the kind words about the part where I, you know, actually told a story, thanks, that does keep a light on at the end of the tunnel.

Peter

Damn that was good. Uh..... Yeah. Just spectacular. Part of me wants to complain about the jumpy flashbacks, but he's bleeding to death and you kinda expect some rattled brains. And everything mattered. It's...... well, it's fantastic, and I'm not sure what else I can say. Love how you tightened up the thoughts as the knife fell. Love the oblivion -- that really came through big time. I'm a little confused about the Master, but this wouldn't be your favorite character if there weren't a big story behind him, so I'll take your implicit word that he's a real character. Bravo.

watchman

Climatic ending to (I presume) an intense story. It's well done -- I get the final emotions and the dazed blur is effective at panicking me, too. I'm not crazy about the prevailing passive voice...... It's not necessarily wrong in this context, because it separates readers from the thing being described (We don't really need to be thinking too hard about the reconstruction having not started). But the one that kills me is the stabbing line -- you're mad, you're mad, that can't be passive, it just can't. Broughton made a fist around his sword and rammed it in Jack's intestines. That has to happen -- it can't just be happening. Especially not in first person. STILL -- as 'bad deaths' go, this is up there.

alex

Now that's an ironically terrible way to die. I got a pretty strong impression of what the RP is about just from this story, and it sounds pretty sweet. Character-wise you captured her from a lot of angles and it's well done -- she's interesting, in the net and in the real world (and on the pavement). Here and there, the writing could be spruced-up -- there's a few places where you drop in a description of gear or MPs or glass, surround it with commas, and leave it for dead in the middle of a sentence. It works -- but it could work better. Those descriptions could be doing more..... How? Beats me, in this context. You know it better than me, and it's your fingers on the keys. Anyway, that was refreshingly understated and tragic. Just the pick-me-up I needed!

TBC -- I hate being this guy, but I don't have time at this current exact moment to finish the two longer entries. If I don't get to it in..... call it two days. If I don't get to them, someone please yell at me.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Fair and square. The next one will be much stronger.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao Predictions

I think with both at their prime it would've been worth the promotional billing, sadly both are past it now. Although age does take more of a toll on Pacquiao's style than it does on Mayweather's. Mayweather boxed to win the points and therefore the match, what he always does really.

@Kangaroo

In other words, Mayweather has always fought like an old man.

Safeway is an awesome store

<Snipped quote by Smiral>

I've heard they have Timmies in New England.

@The Nexerus

also in upstate new york. We used to call it 'the canadian embassy,' but then we got like 30 more and there's just no point anymore.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao Predictions

So it turns out Pacman had a torn rotator cuff before the fight started, which explains at least one of his 'fuck it I'll back off' moments. Who knows, maybe healthy he could've done it. Would've been much more interesting five years ago.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao Predictions

You saw Manny unloading a lot, but most of it was right into Mayweather's guard. He fought smart and dominated that fight. I know there's a fine line between 'running away' and 'making him chase you,' but this was clearly the latter. Mayweather punished him whenever the window was open. There were one or two chances for Pacquiao to finish it early, but those were his only hope, and he couldn't pull it off.