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    1. Savato 12 yrs ago
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@Xuna Hello, I'll be your reviewer.

I will put this very simply in three easy steps.

Step one: Take into consideration the amount of detail put in both your character's moves (what they precisely do and effects) and personality.

Step two: Compare text volume of other accepted CS's to yours. You can take my character Aoi for example, both in terms of personality and technique description. More rigorous work is demanded.

Step three: Perhaps you didn't realize this, but this isn't a shonen. Putting Hell into the name of a technique and explaining what it looks like isn't enough. Also, your character's personality is essentially he's a cool guy until someone is uncool with him. What kind of abnormal human being remains cool and swell when the situation sucks balls? "He's nice until someone makes him mad", these kind of cookie cutter personalities simply don't go.

Bonus: Working on presentation is always a plus.

Now you have everything you need to succeed in very simple steps.

Verdict: Denied until you actually put some effort like anyone else. I hope you understand.


Aoi Don Maquia





They were nearing the park, and Aoi was more than happy to listen to her friend's current situation. Though that happiness would reduce itself to a sad frown as she acknowledged the full situation of Akio's life. Downtown was a nasty place, but she didn't expect Akio to dislike it to such an extent. Then again, a lot of thee apartment buildings looked very filthy and the people around it didn't seem to be the friendliest. Plus Tsukiko lived there, so it was bound to be fucked up in more than one way. A thought lingered in Aoi's mind, perhaps she could be roommates with her new friend if she really wanted out of that shit-hole, but this was still kind of an awkward subject even the clown was aware couldn't be simply suggested out of the blue without at least a few prerequisites.

As they entered the park, Akio asked a question concerning Aoi's choices. The clown went silent for a moment, giving a few 'hmmm' and 'uhhh' until they reached a bench where she'd decide it'd be the best place to land. It was under a tree so they had a bit of shading to protect themselves from the merciless sun. Now she was comfortable enough to reply to her friend's question.

"Well... I think it's because I knew, and they knew, that I'd have to leave the nest at one point. They always knew that deep down I needed to leave and see the world for myself, meet new people, have a family, become someone... My sister Mia is the contrary, hahaha!"

She rested her head against her friend's shoulder as she paused for a few seconds, gathering her thoughts together so she could finish wording her thought process. It wasn't a very easy task for her, to put into words what she thought. By then Akio would probably know that Aoi wasn't the best speaker in the world, but she was exceptionally good at making people feel at ease. Even those who hated her, which was rare.

"So when I was asked to be a shinobi here, I was all like "YEAH! That'd be so awesome!". It is pretty cool to be a shinobi, I met a lot of people and I've become strong~ Now I just need to start a real life here I guess. That and have 5 or 6 kids~"

She chuckled with that last part, but she was very sincere about it all. Aoi wasn't one to keep a lot of secrets, she was a little too simple to have such darkness in her background. It was also quite clear she liked kids, a lot. To her they were the most fun, even if they required a lot of care. They didn't have this viral malice every individual eventually develops as they grow in this world. It wouldn't mean she wouldn't love her own as they grew older, but she didn't seem to mind the workload it would need to keep such a large amount of children happy.

"HEY! I'll get us some ice cream real quick!"

She randomly clapped her hands to raise the mood back up, jumping on her feet as she jogged to the small ice cream stand in the center of the park. The line was finally gone but some people were visibly heading to get some, so she made her way as quickly as possible. She bought a strawberry cone and a vanilla cone, paying for both as she ran back to give the pink colored treat to her friend. It was quite hot out so they'd have to hurry in eating those, and Aoi wouldn't waste time.

"Mmmm! They have the best ice cream here! It's similar to like... Jumping super high in the air for the first time~"

With that note of philosophy coming from yours truly, she enjoyed her treat as slowly as possible. It wasn't like food where she could just down everything and still be satisfied. Here it'd be a sacred snack she could just consume entirely without at least enjoying it.




The Princess and Her Slaves


Phia could only be satisfied to see her dedicated workers do everything she asked, including Tsukiko. However her reply wouldn't be something the actress would take lightly. Not at the very least. But it didn't matter too much, it wasn't like she could do anything to Miyaka given her position in this time and place. Jaakuna was running to his possible doom while Takeshi bowed down in obedience like a well trained slave and went on his stair climbing journey. Something quickly irked her: Daiki's pride.

'Hah. Is he serious? Does he actually think his existence is worth anything more than what I'm offering? He should be fucking happy I pay him to do such basic shit.'

Her look seemed displeased to say the least, but she was rather good at hiding her evil intentions, concealing it all behind a simple expression of worry and sadness. She was seriously going to make this appear as some sort of harmless game even if she played with the very identities of these kids that wanted nothing more than to accomplish their shinobi goals. To her, they were simple shinobi out of many others, easily interchangeable and no value in their word other than their potential to kill who she didn't like. She hopped off Daiki's shoulder and turned to face to defiant young man.

"No one likes a buzzkill, Red! I'm afraid you'll have to do what Green did but with only one leg... Like a pirate having a bad wood day! Get it?! Or else Black will have to exact her threats and impose real limitations..."

She pretended to be innocently disappointed, but these two could now clearly see her sadistic intentions. They were to entertain the highest elite in entertainment, something that would likely prove to be quite difficult for such refined tastes. Like trying to appeal a chef in cuisine, the exotic nature of these tasks would likely leave these people in a state that could be best described as agonizing or maybe even scarred by disgust.

'Take that, fuck face. I'm nice enough to give you money to do a few meters like a retarded cuntwaffle, but noooooo, fucking pride for a shitty clansman. Know your place.'

"Black! Come with me to the elevator! We have to check on Green~ I'm sure Yellow is fine!"

'Hope he gets his faggot ass kicked, yeah. I want some damn fruit salad.'

And as such, she rushed into the elevator, leaving Daiki to deal with either this task or a broken leg. As the elevator reached the 50th floor, she'd find Takeshi had completed his objective. She'd toss a few bills at him, all accumulating to the 500 she promised. Speaking of which, she remembered she didn't pay Tsukiko early. Once again, she'd fit money into her cleavage, this time 1000 ryo, plus she'd add 200 more before she'd seize the opportunity to speak.

"This is for being such a good worker, and this is to shut the fuck up. Green! While we wait for our friends, I'll give you 2000 ryo if you managed to break down my Penthouse's door with three or less tackles! Like a police raider! You must always be ready to take down strong doors."

'Yes, go full retard. You know you want to impress me. You and your inbred genes. Fucking hell, even the purest of genepools would be entirely rekt by fuck ups like this. Man I which I could just... UGH... Stab my fucking thumbs in his eyes.'

She'd boss them around some more, raising her voice and adding some sass when she got all vulgar. This would likely surprise her new workers more than it should considering she acted all angelic until this point. This could be considered as a slip up, but it didn't matter, they were her's and she didn't want the Jonin to back talk to her and say what she can and cannot do. Added to that would be the fact that the door was reinforced, making it exceptionally difficult to break through, but not impossible for someone like Takeshi. However if he were to break in this way, he'd have a brick crash on his head the instant he'd get through. Not deadly, but extremely painful, which would of course cause immense laughter for the batshit actress.




Meanwhile ... The Jonin was indeed minding his own business, having himself a quick smoke while patrolling a crowded area. He was quite the big man too, the type that would intimidate any average individual. But he also seemed quite chill, possibly the pothead type that was more peacey than anything else. However as Jaakuna solicited the man's attention, it would be quite visible that the man was not as patient as many would expect him to be. In fact, he quickly threw away his cigarette and gave the boy a chilling glare. He was fixating the teen as if he had committed some crime and would proceed to beat out information out of him.

"What the fuck do you want, punk? I don't fucking know what you're talking about. However you're creeping the fuck out of a lot of these people by walking around the way you do, kid."

The man would press his hand against Jaak's shoulder and shove him away as a warning.

"Get dressed or I'll arrest you. You're also interrupting official Shinobi business, so I suggest you keep on walking and live your pretty boy life. Fucking prick..."

He murmured that last part, but it was loud enough for Jaakuna to hear it entirely.
@Partisan Huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue gotta change from the usual formula
@SavatoNot Aoi, I'm mean the green devil torturing Daiki and crew.


Is secret tho, good question
@SavatoWhat godforsaken pit did this girl crawl out off?


Circus, huehue.


Aoi Don Maquia





Aoi blinked a couple of times as Akio embraced the young clown as a thank you, slowly closing her arms around Akio in return for this thank you. Aoi liked hugs, or anything that involved fuzzy physical contact and hugs so happened to be something she hadn't done in a while. Once this session of affection was over, Aoi nodded at Akio's request and as promised walked her friend out of this overpopulated mess. She tightened her grip on Akio's hand as they departed, only to stop in front of the building for reasons still mysterious. Aoi would turn her head to face her transformed clone, only to have to fall apart into a gooey mess that splattered on the nearby fans. A lot of them remained speechless out of disgust, others complained of their lost time in general. Aoi snickered to the fact that she tricked so many people, to the point where it almost seemed evil.

"Heehee~ Laugh instead of crying! We're having fun! Also... You smell like bananas~"

She randomly commented on her friend's body odor, and she could take it as a compliment or not, as long as she remembered that no harm was ever intended by the clown. Now they had to go back to smalltown to reach Obushide park. Luckily, it'd be closer than the Mighty Naruto they had just eaten in so a short, five minute walk was in order. Strangely enough, Aoi wouldn't have the thought of letting go of Akio's hand, likely from lack of realization as they advanced she she quickly found something to talk about.

"Hey, you never told me where you live~"

She suddenly brought up the fact that she barely knew much about Akio, which including her current residence. If they were going to be friends, they may as well know where they could find each other for improvised outings. The little clown rubbed her forehead and cleared it of sweat that leaked out from all the heat this fine day was exposed to. It didn't help that they were in the densely populated side of the city and pollution was a big things in these parts with all the vehicles and machinery running 24/7.

"I live in the outskirts, right next to Yamato's house. It's a super awesome caravan house I can move around if things don't go well! Kinda boring being all alone though... I guess when you've always been around many people you loved all day, every day, you get a little too use to it."

She finished with a smile as she noticed she was getting a bit carried away about her own personal life and her feelings toward her current household. She was indeed a bit lonely over there in the most quiet part of town, next to the most unappreciated chuunin of their group. This was the reason why she didn't stay at her house too often, she much preferred going out and finding her friends than to waste time in a hold with no social interaction to be made. If she could ask Akio to spend some time at her house without sounding completely awkward and frightening, she'd of course, do it.

"Hey! What kind of ice cream do you like?"




The Princess and Her Servants


The bribing worked, which made Miyaka feel more than just satisfied, her entire plans for these people would be possible thanks to this. With Tsukiko righteously dealing with Takeshi's lack of care for the actress' efforts, the petite female would slide the bill between the Jonin's breasts as if she was paying a stripper.

"Thank you Black! Now I hope you lot will enjoy yourselves with this day we're sharing, because it may be a long one!"

'Good, she's not asking anymore questions. Let's keep it that way. If he profile is accurate, this feral bitch will handle all of my problems.'

With that said, she guided Daiki through the block they had to traverse in order to reach the apartment building she was currently residing in for her stay in Konoha. Of course, before they'd actually arrive at the targeted building, the princess would suddenly point toward the direction of a Konoha Nin wearing flak jacket, just minding his own business.

"Oh my! He looked at me with threatening eyes! Yellow, go see what his deal is please, I'm scared... We'll be at the final floor in the building!"

'Let's hope this Jonin has the temper I expect him to have.'

The individual in question was a simple Jonin with a brown goatee and shoulder length hair, just waiting around. His body language didn't translate any form of violence, so Jaakuna didn't really have anything to worry about. Though Miyaka would think otherwise, hence her hopes that unfortunate events would befall the kid. The building she was talking about would be the massive hotel a couple of buildings away, the world class Hozuki Hotel line. As expected, it'd be a five star hotel type.




As they got inside, she fixated the elevator, but would then realize there was also a stairwell. She didn't want to waste time by forcing Daiki to carry her through it, so she'd figure Takeshi would be the best for this.

"Hey Green! If reach the 50th floor in three minutes by using the stairs, I'll give you 500 ryo! Sounds fun right?!"

'Let's see how fit this retard is before I make him do crazy shit.'

With that said, she didn't want her own trip to be a completely boring one either, so Daiki would have to put up with her next request.

"You know what would be fun, Red?! If you walked as if you didn't have knees! I'll give you 500 ryo too if you can do that until we reach my Penthouse! Black, if Red doesn't agree, I'm sure you can motivate him~"

'Hope someone uploads a picture of this on some social media. She should smack his knees if he dares to contradict me. That'll make one hell of a buzz on the net.'

All they had to do now is enter the elevator and reach the final floor, from there they'd at least wait for Takeshi if he were to actually do his run.
Well fuck you P-man. I'll have to tag along. Changing chars probably tho.
I liked that green little shit too, but then again the other two starters from that generation were pretty annoying and ugly.

I like generation 1 more, but I can't say that without sounding like a pretentious shit, either.


You are a pretentious shit huehuehue
@Partisan who's spodes?


Me.

Also, this isn't a chat. I have to ask you to stop spamming the OOC.


Aoi Don Maquia





Aoi listened attentively this time, she really wanted to know the reason behind Akio's current attitude toward every day things, and she got her answer. Although she nodded, Aoi still had a hard time grasping what Akio was living, more so because she didn't really know what this massacre was about despite having it been mentioned many times over different medias in the past. But in general, she understood what was going on in the Tendou survivor's head, and all she did was smile to the girl and respond with a simple:

"Okay."

She slowly approached her friend, creating a small gap in the line, in order to slide her hand into Akio's pocket and grab a hold of Akio's hand, holding it once more. It wasn't really necessary this time around, and Aoi didn't hold it as tight as if she was trying to prevent them from being separated in the crowd. She just did it to show she cared, since she couldn't word feelings and thoughts on the matter. She wasn't giving Akio much of a choice either, she was stuck with this clown and she'd just have to get over it. Aoi would tilt her head at the coming of Saburo, the weird kid she knew absolutely nothing about and had only heard the name since the last mission.

"Was that your buddy?"

She asked curiously as the line reduced itself quite quickly, making it almost Aoi's turn to have her long awaited autograph. The vain attempts of leeching fans to steal a spot in front of her would be thwarted by her endless vigilance and ruthless nature when it came to conserving what she worked for. She was kind of selfish like that, but she came from a world where everything had to be worked for and thus she could never take such things for granted, let alone have people take advantage of it so freely. Despite that, she'd still be easily manipulated by higher minds to have her do various things under the guise of being obligatory for x reason. It was finally their turn and Aoi skipped in excitement toward the small stand held by the movie director himself. She let go of Akio's hand so she could pull out the two items she saved for this moment out of her magical cloth.

"Hello there ladies. What can I sign for you two today?"

Hayazaki asked, opening his pen in preparation for the usual routine. Aoi pulled out a book named 'My Best Friend Raito', written by the man standing before them and a DVD casing of the movie 'Princess Kagome', one of his best works according to Aoi. The clown was also a bit nervous as she stared at her idol, a slight blush on her face and her stiff body rocking itself forward and back.

"H-hi! I'd like these dedicated please, Hayazaki-sama!"

She asked the man a bit awkwardly. It was extremely rare for Aoi to be nervous at all, let alone visibly. But she was in obvious awe for what this man represented to her. He seemed nice, a casual smile on his face and no signs of exasperation despite the heat and masses of people storming the place for a piece of his John Hancock.

"Really now? And to who do I owe this request?"

"Hmmm... How about, Akio?"

As he hear the name, he wrote it down on the book's first page, guessing that it was the clown's name despite her strange hesitation. He'd do the same on the DVD's cover before giving them both back to Aoi.

"Here you go. Hope you young ladies have a nice day. Be sure to catch the premiere tonight!"

Aoi quickly shoved herself to the side after bowing to the man she dedicated her full respect to. With both of the away from all these lines as of now, she'd look at Akio with a malicious smile, just waiting for her to ask why the harlequin pulled this stunt off and had the things dedicated to Akio instead of herself. But out of the blue, she'd simply present the two works of art to the taller girl, actively signaling her to take them as a gift.

"Heehee, now you can't say you haven't watched any of these! And the book, it's so nice! You should read some of it before sleep~"

The book was rather thick, something people who knew Aoi enough wouldn't ever suspect her of having. She was indeed pretty bad at anything that involved literature, but it didn't mean she was devoid of interest from it. And now Akio would possibly have some time for herself with these at her disposal.




The Glorious Princess and Her Trusty Steads


Takeshi's nervous reaction sparked absolute disinterest in Miyaka's mind, to the point where slightly coughed in annoyance, though it could simply be translated as her clearing her throat.

'Ugh, and now the inbred fuck-roid has the hots for me. Beta brat, join the club of putrid fanboys. Make a forum, I'll fap to it tonight.'

She kept her typical smile and good mood, but widened her eyes in surprise when she realized Daiki didn't feel up for the challenge and underestimated the powers of his shoulders.

"Oh Red! It's okay, I believe in you!"

She sat her small posterior on the young man's shoulder, her petite body managing to be thin enough to install herself without pressing her side to his neck. She wasn't heaving either, it'd be like carrying a big bag over his shoulder. Plus it gave him some strength training.

'Like Hell I'm spreading my legs to a pseudo-mysterious asshole like you. Perma-virgins all the way.'

Although Tsukiko had finally made her entrance, something caught her attention a lot more than anything else. Takeshi had called her by her name, and even if she didn't impose any rules or moral obligations, it ticked her off deep down. She gave herself a codename for a reason, and they all seemed to abide to it, except for this one.

'Okay. I'm going to enjoy messing this kid up.'

"Umene-sama! Welcome, we've been expecting you! We're going over to my temporary home in Dan Avenue, and I was hoping you'd lead the way... And make sure everyone listens closely~"

She made herself quite comfortable on Daiki's shoulder, wiggling her behind a little to give herself the perfect position all the while it would almost purposely push Daiki to lose his balance.

"Oh I almost forgot! You'll be Black! Green, Yellow and Red are already playing along~ And I'm Phia! However... Green here doesn't like Phia... Maybe we should have some fun rules to make this a bit more challenging?! Black! Can you perhaps think of a punishment for Green? After all, keeping our names secret can be detrimental to this super secret mission!"

'Holy shit, beat the fuck out of this kid, please please please! I chose you for this, girl! DO IT!'

She went on, almost as if she lived in some magical fantasy where Ninjas were like in the movies and this was all some romanticized life with flashy powers and exciting codenames. She really appeared disconnected from it all. Of course, any kind of denial from Tsukiko would lead the short celebrity to waving a 100 ryo bill in the air to capture the woman's attention. This was explicit enough to have a woman such as Tsukiko to instinctively figure out that following what she said would lead to great rewards.

"Red! Let's goooooooo! I'll be the safest at home!"
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