StarWight — Roleplayer Guild

This is a short story, where I incorporated the song "The Last Pale Light In the West." The story itself has a lot of symbolism for me, it represents some things that went on in my life, and a pain that I'm still feeling. And I probably always will to some extent. It's a fictional story about a man who was betrayed by a woman he adored, trusted above all others, loved. And in the end she tried to kill him. The story, which is told alongside lyrics of the song, is one of struggle. 

The song I chose to accent this story also holds special meaning to me. It's one of those songs that hurts to listen to, but whenever it plays on my playlist I can't skip it. I hope what anyone reading gets out of this story, is entertainment, and maybe something that will oddly make someone feel better--at very least, maybe someone can relate to the feelings. 

* * * * * * * * * *

In my hands, I hold the ashes

I embrace her body in my arms, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes that are, at this moment, staring up at an empty sky. Light brown hair matted with blood from the bullet wound in her head. I break down, I can't breath, the tears are gushing down my cheeks. What have I done? I had...I had no choice, right? It was either kill her, or die. Kill or die. Should I have chosen death? Even in betrayal I still cared, still loved--even as I pulled the trigger seconds before she was about to kill me, I loved her. The sting of betrayal bites deep. Why do I feel so guilty? Maybe I should have let her kill me. I don't know. I just don't know. Why did you do this to me? Why??

In my veins, black pitch runs

Darkness, I feel vile. It's not that I killed someone, it's not that I defended myself. It's that the one I was forced to kill...was someone closest and dear to my heart...I'm not sure which hurts more. Her betrayal, or the fact that she is lost to me forever. 

In my chest, the fire catches
In my way, the setting sun

Where do I go from here? How do I carry on? I can't breathe...I can't think. I can only feel a pain far more agonizing than anything I've ever physically been through. A pain of the heart, of the soul. I stare at the sky, I scream, I slam my fists in the dirt and fling my pistol as far as I can throw it. Then I rest my head across her chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Lost. She is forever lost. 

Dark clouds gather 'round me

And so they have gathered, and continue to gather. The dark clouds of depression, enveloping, overtaking, overwhelming. Why? Why did this have to happen? How could someone so dear to my heart, decide to turn against me? I can't understand. I never will. 

To the West, my soul is bound
And I will go on ahead, free
There's a light yet to be found

The last pale light in the west
The last pale light in the west

Will I ever find the light? Will I ever be whole again? God, I'm so sorry. When you lead those raiders right to us....when they all lay dead and bleeding, but you held strong, you held your pistol up to my head...I had one chance. I wonder...should I have fought? Was it worth killing you, to live? 

And I ask for no redemption
In this cold and barren place

I say I'm sorry, but it's not the same as apologizing. I killed you, and I'm sorry I had to. But I refuse to apologize for the choices I made. I did what I had to do, to survive. I loved you. You were everything to me, my best friend, the one person who stood by my side since this apocalypse started. And then you betrayed me. Stabbed me in the back. Well. I guess now my heart and soul is just as cold and barren as this new world we live in. 

Still I see the faint reflection
And so by it, I got my way

The last pale light in the west
The last pale light in the west

There has to be something worth fighting for. There just HAS to be. Maybe I'm wrong, but I have to try. I chose to live, and now I have to deal with it. Just don't know if I made the right choice. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on. Quite honestly, if I ever can it will be a miracle. But one step at a time. I stand to my feet, dust myself off. Take one last look at her crumpled body, tears still falling, and I start walking. To the West. Maybe I'll find the light. Or maybe the darkness will take my soul.
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