Syben — Roleplayer Guild

kapuchu said
MusketMan.Are you, by any chance, a Full Metal Alchemist fan? Your character is pretty much a copy of Alphonse & Edward, with Gonzo being the Edward. He lost his arm so he gave himself a robot arm. His little brother's body was destroyed, and he wants to give it back to him. Same here, only difference being that Alphonse lives on in that armour. Now, much like Edward, Gonzo is a genious albeit for a different reason. Both read books that their father owned because he wasn't using them anymore, Gonzo because he simply didn't use them, and Edward because his father wasn't there. I can't feel like you took an already existing character and tweaked it to fit this setting rather than create your own :/ This is not representative of Aeonumbra's (the GM's) opinion, and is based solely on my own observations. I'm just giving my two cents, and any corrections made should only be made because Aeon says so.

Oh please Ahri , TarTaric you're hardly one to talk. :) I'm onto you. That is stretching the comparison just a little though Kapu. There is a similarity yes, but it's like 4%.

TheMusketMan said
Nationality: America

*eye twitch* Forgot an "n" xD no big deal (but I'm kind of obsessive-compulsive sometimes, I can't not say anything)

TheMusketMan said
Appearance: Short bristly ginger hair
Ginger neck beard
White T-Shirt with black stains
Blue jeans with black stains
Brown Belt
Brown work boots
Brown gloves
Real beefy arms and chest
As tanned as a ginger can be
His right arm is cybernetic and he can do a load of cool repair and medical stuff with it.

As per all of the other CS's, I would prefer a description, not a list. Something meaningful, that takes effort.

TheMusketMan said
His right arm is cybernetic and he can do a load of cool repair and medical stuff with it.

...... Like what? Details.

TheMusketMan said
At 7 years old. Now Gonzo didn't know anything I'm about to tell you until years later, but for a quick story, I'll tell you now

No. If there's something that's in your biography, that means it's important to your character's past in a way for us to relate to your character's development within the story. Why he does what he does, or why he responds to certain situations certain ways. Just saying that piece that I underlined alone makes it feel rushed and lacking now.

Generally the entire biography leaves me wanting. There are a lot of parts that just feel skipped over, when you could have taken the time to flesh out key points in there. Like what actually happened to his parents? In fact, the only thing that I do know in your character's biography is that his parents vanished, his brother was super smart but he's dead, and a 16 year old boy with no prior medical or mechanical knowledge, let alone neurology or robotics, managed to attach a robotic arm to himself and was then 'recognized' for his cybernetic skill, without any knowledge of it.

TheMusketMan said
Skills and Talents: Cybernetic tech GOD, fairly advanced medical knowledge, an eye for machines.
Primary Skill: Cybernetic Tech, Advanced Medical Knowledge
Hobby: Gun enthusiast.
Talent: Very good at measuring. VERY GOOD.
Negative Trait: Due to smoke from machinery, he has weaker lungs.

The skills and talents aren't terrible. 'Cybernetic tech GOD' is not appropriate. 'Very good at measuring. VERY GOOD' is also not appropriate.

Also the fact that he is a gun repairman, and is advanced medically is encroaching on other player's characters, as we use a 'roles' system hear. It doesn't make sense to have two botanists does it? Though, cybernetics / robotics are free. Advanced medical knowledge is a very broad and general statement. Cybernetics basically says all you need it to without getting to into detail. You can take a piece of someone, and replace it with a machine. That's on a different level than oh say.. or resident doctor, who happens to have a cybernetic arm made for "cool repair and medical stuff".

The negative trait is fine.

TheMusketMan said
Gear: A large backpack
Tools and assorted mechanical devices on his person and in his backpack.
Medical supplies (Bandages, meds, etc.)
An Assault rifle modified to have a Holographic sight and flashlight, oh and the bullets have a bit more...'oomph' to them.
A Canteen of mush
Several cans of mush.

Honestly. I feel there could be higher levels of creativity throughout this whole thing. Again, it feels very bland and rushed. If your character was trapped out in the wilderness, alone, in an unknown location, would he survive? No, considering 'mush' isn't even a thing. I'm not sure if you read any other CS's for examples... or format, seeing as how roughly everybody followed it all incredibly well. But here's this, from our resident botanists (scientist of Plants).

Hanami said
Backpack: Lab coat, bulletproof vest (only worn in more dire situations due to weight), small first aid pack (bandages of multiple sizes, antiseptic wipes, isopropyl alcohol, packets of aspirin), two bottles of slush, three cans of food.

Cross-body bag: Weapons, supply of Purge, small pocket tablet for notes/sketches, 30x hand lens, dissecting tools (needles, forceps, razor blades, scissors), plastic bags, plastic vials with screw-on lids, steel case for vials and other samples, gloves, rubber bands, disposable fabric face masks, goggles. [Note: Her botany tools can double as medical supplies.]

Gun: 4-shot Derringer, .357 Magnum bullets. Full chambers, no extra bullets on-hand.
Knife: Small razor blades, 5-inch utility knife with sheath.

You should use that as a reference, make things up if you have to. I will tell you if I have a problem with it, or you can ask me for ideas. (I'm going to nit pick anyways, I did it to everbody.) Also, don't feel like I'm a bad person. I mean, I am, but I'm just giving it to you straight like everybody else got. (No seriously, I'm evil)

Anyways. I'll consider that CS a rough draft :) so .. I'd like a final copy.

If by chance we happen to whip the CS into shape. I just have one question for you.

Do you feel confident you can keep up with us? Actually put in the time and effort needed for something like this. Because I'm going to tell you right now, I expect more than two paragraphs. If you don't feel up to our "skill level" that's not terms for dismissal. But I will push you, nicely and sternly. Practice makes perfect, but a guiding hand makes it easier, but only when you follow it and remember it's teachings.

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