It felt like an eternity went by before there was a small answer, ‘
Are you hurt?’ the little squeaks sounded out while his breathing was more regulated than a minute or two ago. He didn’t answer right away as he was trying to get his thoughts to settle and he sat back on his heels before looking down at Ip. His eyes blinked a few times. This always made him feel like he wasn’t one with his body — like he was being ripped out of it.
‘
Something like that,’ he whispered back. ‘
D-do you want to go for a walk?’ Anatoliy sounded like he was on the brink of crying. He needed an outlet. Everything was overwhelming and he could feel his skin calming down. The crawling sensation was disappearing, the temperature displacement was becoming better, and he didn’t feel the urge to begin to claw into his flesh because of the pain.
A few squeaks answered him before Anatoliy closed his eyes and nodded his head with a shaky breath. ‘
Let me get a sweater or something on and some shoes,’ he whispered out before standing up with some caution, because he didn’t know where his body was fully at because of his abilities. Using the bed as a support and standing there, he looked around before going over to his backpack with all the items around it. Grabbing a
sweater that his father knitted him. He put his hiking boots on and gently scooped Ip up.
‘
I don’t know if I like being here little guy,’ Anatoliy began while leaving his cabin and carefully making his way down the slushy steps. ‘
I’m not sure I’m going to fit in or like it. I don’t even know why Artemis sent me here, I already got into a fight with someone, and I don’t feel like I’m really connecting with anyone,’ he shrugged with a sigh while stepping off the stairs. He began to walk away from the party, away from artificial lights, and admiring the moon.
Looking up to the sky because he wanted answers but he knew he wouldn’t get any. ‘
I’ve only met two people but everyone seemed not very social either when we arrived… I don’t know… I don’t want to be in like…’ he looked down at Ip who was in his hands. ‘
I don’t want to feel like I am in high school again or at those stupid summer camps my father used to send me to. The ones where you were supposed to make friends but I never did. It was always difficult for me to make friends,’ he continued to walk and he looked at the other cabins. He was getting faint scents from each cabin but none of the scents were familiar — everyone was strangers.
‘
And I feel like it’s going to be difficult for me to make friends here…,’ he forced a smile. ‘
But I’m weird and different and know that…’ he sighed. ‘
Maybe I can just turn into a cat or something and go back to the party, maybe someone would pay attention to me then and hang out. That used to work where I used to live. This old lady, her name was Marget, and she was so lonely. She adored it when I would visit but she absolutely hated me when I was myself. I don’t know why. It was kind of funny. I think she just didn’t like how young I was, but she loved me when I was a cat. She’d always pick me up and carry me around and everything. Talk to me. She was very lonely and it helped her and I to be less lonely,’ he explained to Ip while walking in the shadows and staying far away from the party. As far as he possibly could.
He found himself at the beach and at the edge of the sea. Looking at the partially frozen waters and thinking about everything. ‘
You could do this!’ Ip began to lick Anatoliy’s palm. ‘
That’s what I do to others that look like me and that seems to work. I’ve made plenty of friends that way,’ Ip seemed excited about his ideas.
Anatoliy didn’t want to tell the little creature that if he licked someone… they’d probably freak out and possibly hurt him — smacking, punching, hitting, or doing something to him in response. ‘
Ip…’ he began while walking across the beach. ‘
Humans, creatures like me. Others like me. When we lick each other… that’s frowned upon. Humans are wildly different so the same thing won’t work each and every time,’ he tried explaining the best he could.
‘
What do you usually do to make friends or mates then?’ Ip asked curiously.
‘
I…’ he sighed. ‘
Usually,’ how was he supposed to explain friendships and romantic relationships between humans to such a small and fragile little creature. ‘
Humans are complex and… strange. So strange in fact that I wish I was always an animal at times. Animals are straightforward and easy, usually,’ he confessed while moving the snow and sand mixture under his feet. ‘
Sometimes just talking works. Sometimes you have to give gifts. Sometimes you have to impress others in certain ways. There’s plenty of different reasons and ways to make friends and attract mates as a human,’ he began to walk again.
‘
You could do this too,’ Ip began to rub his whole body against Anatoliy. ‘
or this,’ he began to rub his face against Anatoliy’s palm. ‘
Then people will know that you like them and then they’ll get used to your smell and be your friend.’
‘
Or you can go up to a familiar being and stand there and look at them or not look at them. I did that for a very long time and that’s how I made a very good friend,’ Ip explained. Voles… were such social creatures. The ways that they made friends were by licking, grooming, close contact, making sure each other were familiar with each other’s scents, or just standing there until the interaction would go well or go bad.
Anatoliy found himself on another path with cabins, he had no idea who any of these cabins were, but he just needed to walk around. Get his thoughts out of his mind. He wished he had someone to talk to but he knew if someone was standing there, he wouldn’t be able to speak, or he would find it very difficult to get anything out — it was hard to share emotions when people could hurt someone so easily. ‘
Those are all great ideas, but I don’t think those will really work on people, especially here. Maybe just standing around people could work. I don’t know…’ he spoke out. ‘
I’m thinking about leaving this place. It might be for the better. I don’t want to be trapped in a camp and everyone hates me. I could feel eyes on me when I raised my voice at Anissa at the party. And Sloane walked away from me. And I want to go back and try but I don’t want another rejection or bad situation to happen again,’ he sighed out in disappointment as he looked past the cabins, through the tree line and watched as shadows of people danced from the lights, and he could hear muffled conversations from where he was at.
That was when a large building, way bigger than the cabins came up on his left, and he stopped at it. That must be an important building — one of the community buildings, but he had no idea, and he wasn’t looking for a sign to tell him. That was when he noticed that he was near the entrance and he walked halfway to it and stood there. ‘
I could leave. No one would notice. It’s not like I know anyone,’ he was speaking to himself more than anything.
Always try a little more than you are willing to. You might be surprised what happens, his dads voice rang in his head. His father always told him to try just a little more than he was willing to try to see if anything different happened. But… Did he want to try? Anatoliy glanced back and had a clear view of the party in the middle field of the camp. ‘
I can’t…’ he whispered. ‘
I don’t think I can do this alone,’ he inhaled deeply to force his emotions to stay in.
‘
You’re not alone. You have me. I can go to the party with you,’ his little squeaks focused Anatoliy back in while he looked at Ip and through blurry vision. He was crying. He didn’t realize he was crying but he was. At least he didn’t have mascara or eyeliner on anymore.
‘
Wouldn’t the party be too much for a little guy like you?’ Anatoliy wiped his tears and cleared his vision before looking at Ip.
Ip moved around in his hand a lot, looking off the edge, ‘
I can socialize for you, I am really good at it!’
‘
I don’t think vole socialization will work on humans, Ip. I think people would get scared and think you are a rat or something. They won’t understand you like I do,’ Anatoliy laughed a little bit. At least it got a subtle smile on his face. ‘
I don’t think I’ll go back to the party, but maybe I’ll wait, and make a decision about leaving tomorrow. If tomorrow goes bad or something. That should finalize my thoughts about this not-so-good experience,’ Anatoliy turned on his heel to go the long way around and back to his cabin. ‘
My father always told me to try a little more than I wanted to because things could go good,’ he looked up at the stars, the moon, the clouds, and the dark sky.
‘
I wish you were here. Give me pointers or something. I’m terrible at this and I uprooted my whole life for this shit,’ he looked back down and shook his head while walking across the beach again. ‘
I can’t believe I sold everything to test this out. Why did I think that was a good idea? I worked so hard for all of that and the life I had,’ Anatoliy almost whined those words out. It was starting to dawn on him that he might have made a massive mistake. Years of hard work. Getting thrown around and into plenty of fights as a bouncer… getting almost fully naked on a pole… all those long and painful hours down the drain.
This caused his ribs to feel pain. The pain reminded him of the one time he got so badly beaten as a bouncer when he first started out. How surprised he was that people could be so cruel and awful when told “no” his ribs, torso, and some other areas were black and blue for weeks. He forced himself to go to work. None of the OTC medicine worked. He remembered one of the girls sat him down in the back because she was concerned with how he was moving on break and she treated him with an ice pack before wrapping his ribs up. She told him how cruel people could be and that he wasn’t alone. That she and the other girls knew the pain he was going through and he could always come and ask for some tips to make it better.
That same week, one of the girls gave him something off the street, it was a morphine pill. A strong one. It knocked him out for about three days but it helped the pain so much. A piece of him craved that disassociation and blankness. Then he wished the girls were here. They were always so nice to hang around and be around. The guys were too. However, he loved the nurturing and gentle care that some of the girls treated him with and he missed that. ‘
Maybe I should leave. I was told that I’m always welcomed back to the place I used to work at. They would instantly accept me back in a second,’ Anatoliy spoke out while glancing at Ip. He was almost to his cabin at this rate.
And with those thoughts, he felt homesick, since he was missing his emotional safety net of people. People that would listen to him and he was comfortable with telling them things. They couldn’t be here. He couldn’t call them or anything else. How much were they worrying about him? He was worrying about them. ‘
I should leave. I shouldn’t be here. It was a mistake coming here,’ Anatoliy was talking to himself as he was climbing the stairs to the cabin.
Going into his cabin, he gently put Ip down, and he began to collect all his items and began shoving it all into his backpack.
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