This is it. After tonight, we will not only know who the champion is for these Hunger Games, we will know the champion for all of 2016!
Will it be Jill Stein; who chased Leonardo DiCaprio while he swung from vine to vine across the arena; who stole the last of Chapatrap's stuff after he burned all his clothes; and who fell in love with the Basket of Deplorables, causing him die in an attempt to flee from her?
Will it be Shifty Kebab Seller; who ascended to memehood after Leonardo DiCaprio failed to outmeme him; who was admired by CNN and spared by David Bowie; and who fought off bats with a simple bow and arrow?
Will it be CNN; who bashed in Rio's head with a mace at the very beginning of the games; who survived Broby's pogrom against the news media; who teabagged Bernie's waterlogged corpse; who spent a night escaping a net, then the very next day helped Prince to kill Mr Rogers and Gene Wilder; and who is currently being investigated for Tax Fraud?
Will it be Clocktower Echoes; who on the very first day lost a hand to Arnold Schwarzenegger and was left wandering delirious through the arena until he was revived by schnapps given to him by KnightShade; who forgot where Aleppo after a single conversation with Gary Johnson; who was the dream of Leonardo DiCaprio despite having murdered Betty White; and who later went on to kill a confused but well armed Rodrigo Duterte?
Will it be a Waifu; who was bullied by both Birdie and Bernie Sanders; who watched Boris Johnson bathing in a stream one day, was bullied on Twitter by Betty White, then went straight to watching Dat Boi bathing on the next day; who had a short relationship with the Phantom of the Opera until he died, then went on to a relationship with Prince until he committed suicide; and who then killed Birdie Sanders and constructed a shack to store his corpse in?
Will it be Bowser; who had so much water on hand that it gave him nightmares; who terrorized HaleytheRandom from her carefully constructed home before killing her with a sword; and who had his e-mail hacked by Birdie Sanders, causing him to take the edge off by making love with Prince in the shade of a tree?
Well, let's find out.
Jill Stein is absolutely certain she has this thing in the bag. And this is not the mere certainty of a third-party candidate: not a series of hollow positive words that must be said because nobody is supposed to admit defeat. No, this is dead certainty. She knows she is going to win, there is no doubt about it.
Shifty Kebab Seller, however, will not be winning. He wasted his time shooting at bats to scare them off, and even though that worked, it doesn't seem like he killed any he could eat. Alone, on the far corner of the arena, he starves to death after his last arrow whistles uselessly into the sky.
CNN discovers how to access twitter. With Trump dead, there isn't much on twitter to interest CNN though.
Clocktower Echoes finds it difficult to start much of a fire with only one hand, and he gives up on trying.
A Waifu, meanwhile, is starting to take this survival stuff seriously. She sits in her hut with the corpse of Birdie Sanders, drinking her own piss, preparing for the end.
Bowser doesn't take it as well as his eskimo sister, however. Hounded by an e-mail scandal and with Prince no longer here to console him, Bowser makes a suicidal attempt to escape and dies.
Two down, four to go. The runners up now are Jill Stein, Clocktower Echoes, CNN, and a Waifu.
While Jill Stein practices her archery for the victory she is so certain of, the rest of the tributes make a pact to kill her. With the odds now three to one against her, Jill Stein's confidence is beginning to look misplaced.
At sunset, two cannon shots call out the death of Shifty and Bowser, both essentially self-inflicted.
CNN injured himself and stays behind, leaving the other two members of the Grand Alliance against Jill Stein to go ahead without him. Jill Stein somehow learns about this alliance and realizes the odds are now stacked against her. She becomes desperate and screams for help, hoping maybe that one us, the faceless watchers, might intercede.
But little does she know that help won't be necessary, because not too far away treachery strikes our Grand Alliance! A Waifu realizes the opportunity that has been presented to her now that she has Clocktower Echoes alone and unwitting in these woods. She strikes fast, bashing Clocktower Echoes head against a rock, killing him and officially dissolving the alliance against Jill Stein.
A Waifu comes to an injured CNN and tells him what she just did to Clocktower Echoes. CNN has to admit it was a good move, and admires how well she has played the game.
But Jill Stein doesn't know what has just transpired, and scared witless that the Grand Alliance is still together and out to get her, she attempts to scurry out of the arena and fails, dying an unnecessary death.
CNN and a Waifu knew about how Clocktower Echoes died, but they didn't know about Jill Stein. It's when the cannon fires two shots that they know the full story about what has happened.
It's down to the two of them. CNN, and a Waifu. The sun sets. It's inevitable. One of them must die. Is a Waifu's plan complete, and CNN helpless in the hands of this master survivor? Or does CNN have something up his sleeve that will turn the tide? When you are ready to find out
Open
The
Hider!
CNN was helpless after all. His admiration for the Waifu didn't come from a place a safety where he knew he had her no matter how clever she was. No, that was the admiration of a news network that knows the ratings have came in against him, but accepts his fate with dignity and respect for the girl who defeated him. A Waifu really was that good of a player. Even as CNN's brains still dribble from the rock she killed him with, A Waifu is brought into 2017 alive and victorious.
From now on, until we are all old and shopping for urns to be dead in, 2016 will be remembered as "The Year of A Waifu". It is her year, and she is it's champion.
Timemaster
