Hidden 2 mos ago 1 mo ago Post by conman2163
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Hidden 2 mos ago Post by Sini
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Sini

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His looks is athletic and lithe [...] His hair, brownish black, lays to one side naturally

His looks are - His hair lies.

At his hip, an impressive sabre rests in a sheathe. It is decorated with silver inlay and the blade has been made with a cortosis weave, with the pommel and handguard made to curl around the hand in a half basket.

Seems a bit of an extravagant affectation. This isn't WH 40K. I'm willing to go 'sure' if a second GM agrees.

capitol

Capital

Captain Harvester has been, as of yet been unable to reverse the effects of the assignment on his career.

Jumbled sentence. Check tenses and structure.

Alcohol abuse

Is he a drunk or does he occasionally partake?

Captain Harvester has few documented interests, however of those few are painting.

That clause needs to be rephrased.

At the time, despite relatively light experience in command, Captain Harvester demonstrated his skill of command by engaging and defeating a small flotilla of pirates, despite the Intrepid having taken severe damage and being alone in the engagement. [...]While other officers of the fleet he had been assigned to suffered heavy casualties during an attack, Captain Harvester quickly adapted to the situation and attacked the rebel flagship. The rebels were not expecting the maneuver and the flagship was able to be boarded and taken quickly, the rest of the enemy fleet able to be quickly destroyed following the action and chaos among the rebel ranks.

These sentences are needlessly long and therefore difficult to understand. Chop them up.

A failed assault on a rebelling moon lead to...

lead --> led (and again in the interview)

professors

professors --> professor's

It wasn’t anything to fantastic

to --> too

Interviewer: But you survived? How?

Cpt. Harvester: I had been thrown behind a command console by the initial impact. I hit the body of another officer who cushioned me. He survived, I didn’t.

That would mean Agent Colfac is interviewing a ghost.

It is a petty squabble that came about from a mistake I made. Nothing more.

What mistake? What squabble? What are your plans with this? I have the feeling you want to explain through RP. Is that correct?
Hidden 2 mos ago Post by conman2163
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Roger, all issues addressed and fixed, save for the last. The grammatical and sentence structure errors were fixed, and I lightened the description of his sword. I will expand upon the squabble with his officer through RP.
Hidden 2 mos ago Post by Ellri
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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@conman2163

OoC

🔸So, for romance… You want to avoid it completely for your character, or just make sure it fades to black sooner rather than later? We just want to be sure we understood this part correctly.
🔸Nice long-term goal.

Personnel files

🔸Nothing to criticize in this section.
🔸Interesting choice to command a Gage.

Appearance

🔸Nothing to criticize about the appearance.

skills

🔸This section could use a short list of sorts of some of his skills. Given his role and long-term plans, we imagine they would delve into ship-related and command-related fields.
🔸Spicing them up with some unrelated stuff wouldn’t hurt either.
🔸How did he fare in comparison to other officer candidates in his “class”?
🔸Is he trained beyond basics at dealing with non-capital vessels? If so, any particular types/models?

Combat Skills

🔸minor element: In addition to the nice paragraph, add a list with skill name + skill level.
🔸Which Sith Lord is he associated with? Might be worth mentioning here.
🔸We presume his weapons training is all standard, rather than dealing with anything unusual?

Specialization

🔸So, he is overqualified for current command. Why is he in that role currently then? Is someone keeping him from advancement? If so, who?
🔸is his ship role focused towards anything in particular? Perhaps to teach him something?

Political Influence and associates

🔸How is he in association with Sith and other imperial naval figures?
🔸Are there any that want to see him held down or rise higher?
🔸

Rivals and Enemies

🔸who is this officer that forced him down? Is this officer associated with someone in particular (such as a PC Sith?
🔸What sort of “personal differences” led to the demotion?
🔸Was the evidence provided to command true or fabricated?

Other Associates

🔸He has no subordinates he is fond of serving with?
🔸No Sith that has expressed any interest in putting him to use?

Ownerships

🔸no family, no inheritance, etc?

Psychological evaluation

🔸This section feels less Star Wars and more Earth.
🔸We suggest trying to find ways to flavor it more to Star Wars.
🔸While the equivalent no doubt exists, PTSD isn’t a terminology typical to this setting.
🔸While fairly young, he would still have seen a good bit of war action. Perhaps relate it to his handling of such. Perhaps even some atrocity-level events, such as a malicious Sith butchering civilians or being among the survivors of a sound defeat?
🔸his substance-abuses could also use flavoring, as well as considerations on how that is treated by the Navy.
🔸perhaps focus it to one type that is difficult to acquire?

🔸Perhaps factor in the second flaw here? (independent-thinking, bordering on insubordination)
Flaws

🔸It would be optimal to separate the different flaws, especially since they are not thoroughly interconnected.
🔸Is his substance-abuse ongoing or stopped (withdrawal)?

Interests

🔸Good interests to spice him up.

successes

🔸If his commanding officer was dead and their ship was alone in the engagement… Who had the authority to give him a field promotion?
🔸Suggestion:
🔸Either he simply took command and had the rank bestowed upon him afterwards
🔸Or there was someone on board (imperial official or Sith) who wasn’t directly in the chain of command but who had authority to at least temporarily assign him the role.

🔸What sort of rebel ambush? There is no major rebellion in this era. Certainly not one with significant-enough forces to have fleets with flagships.

Failures

🔸See point above concerning rebellion.

Interview

🔸move the [/hider] tag to after the interview.
🔸The names mentioned in here, stick them in appropriate sections earlier in the sheet too.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by conman2163
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All issues that were brought up were fixed, aside from the particular issue I am having with the hider tags. Unfortunately it seems that my hider tags don't want to cooperate. I've got all the tags in their right place buuuuuuut it's still being problematic.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by Ellri
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@conman2163check your [i] and [/i] tags. Not equal in number, they are.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by conman2163
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all fixed I think! Thanks for the the spot on the BBcode
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by Ellri
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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no problem.

Tagged your sheet as pending again.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by Ellri
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@conman2163
You speak of his "home town". Is he Kaas city raised, or born in a lesser Dromund Kaas settlement?

His substance abuse... is it constant, out-of-combat or in-combat?

Is he a good painter? What sort of things does he paint?
Would it be the sort of art that prominent Sith or imperial officials might desire to possess? Is his work known outside the Empire?




The sheet is starting to look fairly good now.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by conman2163
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I made a few edits, his hometown was changed to kaas city, his substance abuse was changed slightly in his psych eval and in his flaws, and the questions about his painting were answered in the personal interests section.

Glad to hear it is coming along well, I hope it can be done soon so I can get started.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by Ellri
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Then the sheet is satisfactory to us.

Approval #1 given.
Hidden 1 mo ago Post by Ruby
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Approved.
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