Doc Doctor — Roleplayer Guild

@Liliya

"Fine, but if I win ya get off my lawn and don't come back."

Tom crossed his arms and glowered at the invisible audience through his shades as his opponent rapped. At one point during the Colonel jibe Tom threw up his arms as if to accept the jeers from the crowd, patting at the air.

"All right son, lemme show ya how it's done..."

----
"So I'm from Kentucky, I look like I make chicken, it's 'cause I'm legit son, you're the one needs a dickin'.
Yeah, I'm real South, you substitute with a metal mouth, learned your shit off PaRappa the Rapper, could fit that skill in a used gum wrapper,
Initiative, I got, rolled up on you with fury, scary, you only roll dice and that roll says you won't marry,
Single, like the Virgin Mary, the only sex you'll get'll be with that fat hobbit, same sex, just stop it, don't wanna see so gimme my check,
Next time you talk chicken, don't do it with a mouthful of Shrek."

Name: Kentucky Tom
Age: 29
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 180 pounds
Race: Human
Class: Jerkwad
Alignment: Chaotic
Eye Color: Unknown

Weapons and Equipment: Ray-Ban sunglasses, unfiltered Wildhorse cigarettes, white suit with black tie, a black 16 ounce/24-inch aluminum softball bat.

Physical Abilities/Skills: Physically and mentally, Kentucky Tom is remarkably average. He's no more fit than a man of his age normally is. He is, however, one seriously hardass dickweed who used to be a fast talkin' auctioneer. He has only one special ability, but it is virtually impossible to kill or incapacitate with it. His power is known as "Really Buggersome Affectations". He can inflict nasty effects upon enemies by speaking the magic words of a curse and then pointing and firing a softball sized orb of arcane energy. The speed of the shot depends of the nastiness of the curse. Such curses as "Horndoggums Humprumpus" travel at the speed of ML fastballs, whilst curses like "Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum" move as fast as bullets. Those in the middle are as fats as arrows. He can slow down spells as much as he wants and return them to full speed at will after firing them, as much as he likes. He can combine multiple curses into a single attack, the arcane orb increasing approximately in size with each spell added. He can speak at 360 words per minute, about as many as a top form auctioneer or high school debater. He cannot use the same curse twice in a row, a handicap offset by how the spells cannot be stopped, redirected, or impeded by any material or energy-based defense. Tom has no need for a wand, but he can use his softball bat as one. He can club a spell with his bat as if it were a baseball to increase its speed by up to 110 MPH (full strength swing). The spells retain perfect magical accuracy towards whatever Tom aims at, though they can't change trajectory once launched. The only way to break these curses is to kill him. The known curses he uses are...

*"Impreggio Bitchpleasum"- Impregnates whomever he is pointing at, forcing a baby to be conceived within them. This works on men and inanimate objects. Each subsequent hit halves the pregnancy time, starting at one week pregnant. The baby is ready by week forty. (Mid-Speed)

*"Slipsoapia Faceplantium"- Spawns a 5X5' marble tile covered in lube beneath the target's feet. (Slow-Speed)

*"Charactero Dangledoodius"- Spawns a random cartoon character originating from the 60's-90's above the target's head. Said character proceeds to endlessly suffer from a lack of clothing and dysentery. (Mid-Speed)

*"WeeMan Shinkickums"- Spawns Jackass star Jason Acuña, known also as 'Wee Man'. He will continually attack the target. (Slow-Speed)

*"Sucknutus Switcheroonio"- The target's spatial positioning is reversed, instantly turning them 180 degrees on a horizontal and/or vertical axis depending on Tom's preference. (Slow-Speed)

*"Pissedprick Swingdingus"- The target's dick will double in size every time the spell lands and become aggressive towards its owner, seeking to clobber the one it is attached to. (Mid-Speed)

*"Gooberschnozz Leaksnoutius"- The target's nose will grow to five times normal size and continuously leak copious amounts of magically created mucous. (Mid-Speed)

*"Estatecrashio Housingmarketum"- The Target's local housing market crashes, depreciating their home significantly. Spawns a repo man five yards away to deliver the news and then leave. (Fast-Speed)

*"Baldickus Bodilicious"- Instantly removes all the hair on your body. (Fast-Speed)

*"Fidgetnips Spindiculum"- Turns the target's nipples into fidget spinners. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gayroticus Weinerfestum"- Turns the victim gay. (Slow-Speed)

*"Fartilliarum Skidmarkius"- Gives the victim messy farts. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum"- Turns the victim's skin pink. (Fast-Speed)

*"Retardingus Shitheadellus"- Lowers the victim's I.Q by one point. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racistimo Hatefation"- Makes the victim extremely racist against minorities. (Fast-Speed)

*"Drunkskunkio Beerbellius"- Makes the victim as drunk as they'd be after having ingested two pints of beer. Each subsequent hit increases their inebriation by another two beers. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dirtlingus Shoutloudius"- Forces the victim to yell out their deepest, dirtiest secret and then proceed to do so again every two minutes. Each time Tom hits a victim with this curse, it halves the time that they can go without shouting. (Fast-Speed)

*"Whiteytightus Fucknuttums"- Makes the victim's underwear ultra-tight and uncomfortable. Each hit by the curse makes the ol' drawers get tighter and tighter until the waistband snaps. (Fast-Speed)

*"Beardantili Hipsterium"- Gives the victim a huge beard. Each hit increases the beard length by 18 inches. (Fast-Speed)

*"Nudesweeta Bareassum"- Evaporates the target's clothing into an embarrasing gooey honey mist. (Mid-Speed)

*"Furrynekus Fucknuttus"- Materializes a random fursuit onto the victim. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pisswiggums Bladdersmallis"- Makes the victim have to pee really bad. (Mid-Speed)

*"Horndoggums Humprumpus"- Makes the victim insanely attracted to the next thing Kentucky Tom points at. It takes tremenous will to resist, and becomes a major distraction until the urge is "satisfied". (Slow-Speed)

*"Nipgantius Bigtittumus"- The victim's boob area will grow to five times normal size. (Slow-Speed)

*"Fatassium Bastardus"- Makes the victim obese. (Slow-Speed)

*"Lolhardickus"- Forces the victim into an awkward situation the likes of which occur most often to us in the morning. If used on a female, it will materialize the required assets upon her being. (Fast-Speed)

*"Pussysobbium Crybabius"- Makes the victim cry uncontrollably. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racechangium Laughardiculum"- Changes the victim's race. By changing the first word to "Sexchangium" Tom can alter gender instead. (Slow-Speed)

*"Narratium Expositorium"- Forces the victim to narrate their actions as they do them in a deep, dramatic voice. They cannot complete their attack until the end of the narration. (Slow-Speed)

*"Smurftardicus Squeakerotica"- Gives the victim a high pitched helium voice, a Smurf hat, and Roblox T-shirt. (Fast-Speed)

*"Butthorkus Limporkus"- The victim becomes a transgender drag queen complete with unwieldy high heels and wig. (Slow-Speed)

*"Hamhockio Pigittums"- Gives the victim the ears, tail, and snout of a pig. (Mid-Speed)

*"Blindorial Nerdwerdus"- Makes the victim near and short sighted, and materializes a pair of prescription glasses onto their face. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pizzamugums Pubertum"- Gives the victim a load of acne. (Fast-Speed)

*"Glasswhackius Buttmunchickus"- Makes the victim instantly punch the nearest person with glasses in the face nice and hard, even if it's their self. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dildus Rubberium"- Turns an enemy's weapon into a twelve inch black dildo. (Slow-Speed)

*"Beachbaggo Burnsacko"- Instantly gives the victim a full body sunburn, the kind that hurts like a bitch if you so much as get in the shower. (Slow-Speed)

*"Foolookius Overthereius"- Makes the victim look where Tom is pointing. (Slow-Speed)

*"Itchums MacGuiness"- Gives the victim several dozen full body mosquito bites. Very itchy. (Slow-Speed)

Background: Kentucky Tom grew up in the rough part of town and was constantly harangued by bullies. Why? He had a smart mouth. Shooting off insults came naturally to Tom. He pissed off teachers, parents, drivers, senators, dogs, you name it. He got into a wide variety of scuffles, made a name for himself as both a sharp talker and a rugged back alley brawler. He never had much cash, since his job as an auctioneer didn't pay all that well. But then one day, everything changed. He met an old fakir who beseeched Tom to sell an old Porsche for enough money to bail his deviant grandson out of jail. Tom felt pity for the mystic and at the next auction, sold the vehicle for twice what it was really worth. Out of gratitude the fakir bestowed upon Kentucky Tom the  power to incur hilarious status effects upon the unwary.

Tom has since set out to seek his fortune, and nothing will stand between him and a quick buck.

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