Critique for Dark.
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A young human found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, or be with his partner Zee, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to somewhat higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. Having just finished with his errand, Kain thought back to the day before as he walked.
(I would suggest a little bit--just a little bit--of description about the young human before you say "found himself..." The second sentence would sound better if you clarified that when he's with his partner Zee, he doesn't necessarily avoid such places, as: "When not with his partner Zee, he would normally avoid such places..." Will "and angels were rarely..." make sense in context? I don't understand how it's relevant. Also, "somewhat" is missing an article. The last sentence is clunky. As a general rule, try and fit very intertwined events together, as: "Walking away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.")
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One spirit and one human were at a table in the alley of their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His white wings served as a beautiful backdrop to the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel, known to Kain as "Zee," stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.
("A spirit and a human" is less clunky. The alley of their home is less accurate than the alley by their home. The juxtaposition of wings and menace seems a bit out of place written how it is. It's better in this case to more specifically point out the irony, as: "His white/shimmering/beautiful wings belied his menacing expression/posture/demeanour." The interruption describing Zadkiel's nickname is clunky. I suggest rewording it and possibly putting it in parentheses.)
"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.
"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."
"No, I'll fight him."
This back and forth quickly devolved to bickering and name calling, slowly turning the angel's motivation from completing his righteous mission into simple anger.
(The phrase is "devolved into". I would change slowly to quickly and change turned to deteriorated. Completing his righteous mission can be shortened to just his righteous mission.
"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just it's holder! Prepare yourselves!"
Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing it's target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to laugh. This was quickly cut off as Kain teleported to the soulshard, still in mid-flight, and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck.
(Its should be used in place of it's both times. Also, the final fight sentence is clunky and could be reworded--combine things like "still in mid-flight" and "teleported to the soulshard"; put all three fight actions into three independent clauses joined by one and, rather than into two independents and a dependent; and move "cutting him off" at the end, lest the reader forget it was there when they finish the sentence.)
"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move, I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and viewed the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.
("Viewed" could be "scanned". To the best of your abilities, use precise wording. Also, in "Too bad that he didn't move," that comma should be a semicolon.)
"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel began to reset the board. Soon the spirit and human began to play again.
(This is a narrative. You're free to do things like say "Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and soon enough they were at it again." This, to me, makes it flow better than "began to reset the board", perhaps because it represents something more completed--after all, this is past tense.)
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(I would suggest a little bit--just a little bit--of description about the young human before you say "found himself..." The second sentence would sound better if you clarified that when he's with his partner Zee, he doesn't necessarily avoid such places, as: "When not with his partner Zee, he would normally avoid such places..." Will "and angels were rarely..." make sense in context? I don't understand how it's relevant. Also, "somewhat" is missing an article. The last sentence is clunky. As a general rule, try and fit very intertwined events together, as: "Walking away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.")
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One spirit and one human were at a table in the alley of their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His white wings served as a beautiful backdrop to the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel, known to Kain as "Zee," stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.
("A spirit and a human" is less clunky. The alley of their home is less accurate than the alley by their home. The juxtaposition of wings and menace seems a bit out of place written how it is. It's better in this case to more specifically point out the irony, as: "His white/shimmering/beautiful wings belied his menacing expression/posture/demeanour." The interruption describing Zadkiel's nickname is clunky. I suggest rewording it and possibly putting it in parentheses.)
"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.
"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."
"No, I'll fight him."
This back and forth quickly devolved to bickering and name calling, slowly turning the angel's motivation from completing his righteous mission into simple anger.
(The phrase is "devolved into". I would change slowly to quickly and change turned to deteriorated. Completing his righteous mission can be shortened to just his righteous mission.
"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just it's holder! Prepare yourselves!"
Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing it's target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to laugh. This was quickly cut off as Kain teleported to the soulshard, still in mid-flight, and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck.
(Its should be used in place of it's both times. Also, the final fight sentence is clunky and could be reworded--combine things like "still in mid-flight" and "teleported to the soulshard"; put all three fight actions into three independent clauses joined by one and, rather than into two independents and a dependent; and move "cutting him off" at the end, lest the reader forget it was there when they finish the sentence.)
"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move, I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and viewed the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.
("Viewed" could be "scanned". To the best of your abilities, use precise wording. Also, in "Too bad that he didn't move," that comma should be a semicolon.)
"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel began to reset the board. Soon the spirit and human began to play again.
(This is a narrative. You're free to do things like say "Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and soon enough they were at it again." This, to me, makes it flow better than "began to reset the board", perhaps because it represents something more completed--after all, this is past tense.)
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