ErsatzEmperor

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

@Retired

I'm being punished for all my offenses
I want to touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
I want to banish you from whence you came
But you're part of me now
And I've only got myself to blame

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

@Retired Tomorrow.

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

Posted, bitches.

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

W O L V E R I N E

^{F E A T U R I N G A L P H A F L I G H T}

---

12^th November, 2017
_{Hell's Kitchen}
^{New York}

Why do they always run?

The man looked to be in his early twenties and drenched in about a lifetime's worth of sweat. He would have smelled a treat from a mile away, but Logan was in hot pursuit. He could smell every day since his last bath, etched into the pits of his t-shirt. Wolverine curled his nose, claws extended as he chased. Sometimes he wished he could turn his senses off.

"Outta the way, lady!" He yells, running into the road to avoid the pedestrians in his path. The same ones the mugger was happily pushing aside with his arm. In his right hand was a knife and clenched in his left was a heavy purse. It was clearly holding him back but he wasn't about to leave it for the previous owner. Logan sheathes his claws and runs on, trying to catch the idiot before he hurt somebody. He hears a crackle behind him, and before long Northstar is flying alongside him.

"What kept you?"

"Thought I'd have a look around. This used to be my old stomping ground after all," he smiles, his eyes following the mugger, currently slipping away. "You need some help or you happy to struggle on alone?"

"If you're not too busy." He huffs. Northstar speeds up, leaving Logan in his dust, as he reaches a hand out. He was gifted with the mutant ability to fly at great speed. His brain however, understandably lagged behind. The mugger in a fit of panic, thrashes the bag in all manner of direction, impacting with the young mutant's head, breaking his flight and leading him to an emergency landing.

"I've got him!" Jean-Paul grimaces from the floor as Logan overtakes him. His blood was pumping. The felon ducks into a blind alley and stops.

"I don't believe that is yours." In front of him, standing at a good twelve feet was the orange mass of fur known as Sasquatch, or Walt Langkowski to his friends. The gamma-powered beast tuts through an underbrush of fangs. The mugger drops the purse without a second thought, crippled with fear. As if compelled, he turns on his heel to run.

Snikt

He stops as he soon as he had started, the flash of adamantium stopping short of his neck. A panting, and thoroughly pissed off Logan stood before him.

"Please, jaysus. Take the stuff, man!" the robber pleads, dropping to his knees. Christ. Logan retracts his claws, his facing showing his disgust. He reaches down and hoists the man up by his arm.

"Now listen. You're going to take this purse and you're going to give it back to the lady you got it from, and then you're going to turn yourself over to the police." Logan picks the purse up and hands it to him with some force. "If you don't, it's going to be him that comes looking for you." He points to Langkowski with his forefinger. The beast smiles, giving a short wave. The man nods quickly. "And don't try to run. He reads minds too." He roars, happy to use his enemy's ignorance to his advantage. The man breaks off with a scream, pushing the reemerging Northstar to one side as he desperately tries to track his victim down. Wolverine rubs the corners of his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.

"You don't think you laid it on a bit thick?" Walt comments, his eyes turning to the roughed up mutant hovering in front. "What happened to you?"

"Shut up."

"Both of you--" Logan stops, his ears pricking up.

"What is i--"

"Shhhh!" Logan concentrates. From the sound of it, it was almost like an...

"Explosion!" A passer by yells, as it becomes clear that something is amiss. Wolverine thinks back to the news of that morning.

"You don't think--"

"We need to move." Logan makes off to run, following the noise as his comrades follow behind.

---

12^th November, 2017
_{The United Nations Headquarters}
^{New York}

As the red-clad assassin decended from the rooftop, the smoke from the bazooka-blast rocked higher and higher in the air. The explosion tore an amber hole in the otherwise bare New York city night sky. The man lands with a crash and a muffled whimper.

"Whimper," he says under his breath, wincing in pain. Sirens were blazing, the city's emergency services scrambling to get to the scene; in a heaped pile at the bottom of the building however, Wade Wilson was scrambling to rejoin his dislocated legs to his hipbone.

"Just gonna slide that in there. That's it. Flesh and bone scrape together as he manipulates himself. "Might be a few hours early for that." He pops his left leg into joint and starts to crawl forwards. He takes his time before ascending, pushing the other leg into place and shifting his weight onto it.

"Ahhhh, fuck-nuggets!" He screams, as he realises his ankle was shattered in the fall. He struggles with his footing for a moment, shaking in place. His healing factor is working its ass of just to keep him on two feet.

"Colourful. You kiss your mother's ass with that mouth?" He chirps, seemingly out of nowhere.

"I'm talking to you, jackoff."

Excuse me?

He picks up his pistol from the ground and holsters it.

"You heard me. I can see you." He snaps, "And change the clock behind you already. Daylight savings ended like a month ago already. Let it go...

I don't understand how this is--

"Don't you do any research for this? I'm the frickin' merc with the mouth, baby. I'm the only reason half the bedwetters reading this post know what 'fourth wall-breaking' means. Like, literally. Would you like me to refer you to the wiki?"

Can I get on with this? I'm just playing for time for when Alpha Flight turn up anyway.

"Salty. You were more fun on Old Guild." He shrugs. "...And also, I don't chirp."

Okay, okay. Jeez.

Deadpool looks to his left, to see three metahumans facing him down.

"Wilson. Thought we'd find you poking around here." Wolverine barks. He could smell the fire raging a little away from them, and the unmistakable stench of blood and quesadilla in front of him. "You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with this would you?" Deadpool looks surprised. Well, I mean, his eyes look surprised. He looks up at the sky.

"Yeah, real smooth." He replies. Wolverine looks bemused. He sighs.

"Who are you talking to?" He rolls his eyes. He could count on his claws how many times he remembered dealing with this loon and had very little patience for him. But now lives were in danger.

"You can't hear him?" Wolverine shakes his head. "Figures." Without a seconds notice, he pulls his uzi from its holster. "Listen, these ladies aren't going to be able to start without me, so if you excuse me..." He pops a few shots off at the hairy mutant before turning to run. Crunch.

"Motherfuuuc--" He starts, doubling over in pain as his ankle twists again. "Attention to detail my ass..." He snipes, getting back on his feet. He looks up just in time to see the orange-fur fist of the Sasquatch pummelling into him. His footing leaves him as he careens of into the air, and into the wall of the UN building with the force. Langkowski shakes his fist, negating the force, as he feels Wolverine's eyes bearing into the back of his head.

"What?" He asks. "He finally stopped talking." Wolverine smirks under his breath as the two start to walk towards the action, Northstar flying alongside them. This was going to be a long night.

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

Yeah, GG's a babe like that.

Finish the Sentence, Create a Story

There once was a man, who is well known in his shitty. His name was John but on weekends it was Britney. On Sundays, his name was Carl. The rest of the time, it was 'dumbass'. And he has two things that always accompany him, a list of names and a worn-out red marker. It would surprise you to know that, while it went against the expected function, the marker was not for writing on paper.

Morning light filled the hospital, the smell of death hung in the air. The pale walls shone wetly. Above Dumbass's bed hung a portrait of the Quartermaster of the KSR, and by his nightstand was a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush. John had ended up with a broken hip after tripping himself at the stair. Or, at least that's what he told the Doctors had broken his hip. In fact, it had been something far more sinister; autohypnotic asphyxiation. Heading back home, he saw, that the mayor's car had been entirely covered in cling film. Confused by his misadventures, he decided that a live tentacle porn show was the next best option.

He proceeded to go to the fishmongers, and detail precisely what his plan was. The Fishmonger agreed,

"Fourty dollars for fifteen minutes sounds fair." Dumbass reached into his pocket to find that he had forgotten his wallet at home.

"Do you accept IOUs?" Dumbass raised two middle fingers and asked. As a result, he received a look of disgust and a kick in the nuts. Swearing revenge Dumbass crawled away, winded and bruised. On top of that, he was slightly bemused. However, he appeared to have the upper hand as, with a devious smile, he pulled a remote control from his pocket. He pressed the button, and cursed out loud. Then he saw something he could not describe. It was a horrifying, yet beautiful, visage of his old dirty dog named Lasagna. Lasagna looked like it was going to bite off his... well... it's a delicate place.That delicate place is his head, the dog jumped into the air holding a flamethrower and somehow seemed both willing and able to use it.

"Don't attack me," cried the topless porn star who had just stepped into the madness. Because he was running out of gravity, he decided to swim away. At that moment he knew, he was in hell, and at the right second he saw a flying fetus straight to his face. "Why did you abort me daddy?"

With a horrified scream, Dumbass awoke - to discover that she was sitting on her toilet in Heaven having a heavenly crap. Satan called on his cell phone with fury at the latest posters disregarding former italics tags, the clouds rained unicorns as well.

Meanwhile on Earth,"Dong, where is my automobile?" asked the sexually frustrated old man.

"Where did you have it last?" his butler replied sarcastically.
"I checked my asshole 15 times." The old man's son said.

It seemed that old 80's movie references were in these days. A rolling skating Afro person went up to the old man,"I believe it's inside mine!" The Afro man bent down away from him,"Go! Check!"

"Ride my sweaty beating heart, daddy." pleaded the sexually frustrated old man whilst he silently regretted ruining yet another spam thread.

Afro man smiled a jive smile and spread his cheeks wide so the others could see his favourite subreddit,

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

Gonna get this Wolverine post polished up tonight. Winter Soldier will likely be tomorrow.

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

@Byrd Man Damn man. Hope you get that all sorted.

Wᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ Wʜɪᴛᴛɪᴇʀ

Aw, that's a shame. Well, it's been fun.

Absolute Comics: Rebirth

@Sep Might need a bit more coordination on the SHIELD side of things so we don't step on toes. I'll be back on Saturday and we can hash it out proper then if you want.