Kassarock — Roleplayer Guild

My vote goes to God is Great by @V A S H. 

There were some other good entries this contest, but that was story I emotionally connected with strongest, and it was also the only story on which I could literally find nothing to pick apart or criticise. Absolutely fantastic work, I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the future. 

Some feedback for the other entries: 

So yeah this would probably be my second pick amongst the entries, and is a good story in its own right, a potential winner in some other contests I've seen. Excellent imagery, intriguing premise, and a good emotional weight to the whole thing. The one pointer I do have is potentially improving your use of structure in terms of paragraphs and line breaks. 

You have quite a descriptive style, and I think some of your imagery looses its impact when its hidden in the middle of some of those quite large paragraphs. Maybe break them down a bit, select key important lines or images to make them stand out - like you do right at the end with  the line: 'A voice, deeper even than the beat itself, spoke out.' Your writing is good, give it the space it deserves.

But overall, really good!

A lighter, simpler tale here, and nothing wrong with that. Doggos are always a plus too in my book. However, compared to the other entries there's just not enough narrative weight here, not much that really creates that sense of intrigue that draws you into a story and makes you want to learn more. I would have loved to have gotten a sense of who the protagonist is, why do they care about the northern lights? What does it mean to them? Building on aspects like these I think would help create a more compelling story.

There were also a few grammatical errors, and when you have a relatively straight forward and pared back writing style, it means there's nowhere to hide with that. Most of them aren't biggies, but I noticed them nonetheless, some missing capitalisations on some I(s) and some incorrect word choices (lied instead of lay/laid) for example.

So there's definitely some great things to like here. I was very interested in what the universe of this story was like, through context it sounds like an interesting mix of space-feudalism, which I'm always down for personally. I was also interested in the history of our two main characters, Jillian and Duncan. In fact the strongest part of this for me, was the opening, these two characters lying there discussing their world, their hopes, their dreams. 

I would have loved to have seen more of these characters relationship prior to the moment of this failed proposal. Make me care about them and the fate of their love more, make my emotional connection to them deeper. It doesn't help either that some your latter dialogue and characterisation feels a bit wooden at times, undermining that sense that these are real people with real lives. I also wasn't necessarily a fan of the kind of omniscient perspective it was told from, though that's more a personal preference.

Eli Redgrave

"Guys, I think you'll find I am the friendly one. Unlike the gossips and outright liars I find myself surrounded by! Eli pointed at Violet and Ben respectively as he feigned mock outrage and rolled his eyes. He was only joking, but there was some truth to it in his eyes, especially in Violet's case. Repeating rumours of someone you hadn't even met yet? That was hardly friendly in Eli's eyes, he knew the destructive power that rumours held, especially in a small town like Westcliffe. He was still dealing with plenty of his own. 

The other things she said hurt as well, 'come out from that rock you live under', like Violet understood how someone like him lived. Miss Violet DeWinter, heir to the rich and powerful DeWinter dynasty, who had every want and need catered for since she was just a child. Immaculately dressed, expensive coffee in hand. In that moment he hated her. Hated everything her and the DeWinters stood for. Even though they were supposed to be 'friends'.

Breathe.

He didn't want to make a scene, like he had he the early days when Alex had disappeared. He didn't want to let them know it got to him. He didn't want to seem weak. He was fine by himself, he was just fine.

There was an awkward lull in the conversation after Violet called the new girl, Denise over. Ben's chuckle died down, and Violet herself coughed and glanced at Eli. He caught her eye in return, and offered her something of a small, sad smile. When he spoke it was soft, but serious.

"You shouldn't joke about that, Violet."

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