It’s Time to Live Or Die Trying
I’m so sick of this craving constantly within me. Always a hunger for things no one can give me. Always a stomach crumbling, city tumbling type of ache that demands to swallow up the world while I’m bracing my body against the emptiness of it, barely able to move anymore. This is the fucking way it goes down every time: never differing, never altering, the story on repeat in vertigo with a little extra kick for each passing year that peaks on the horizon.
Reminding you you are so, so wrong.
Reminding you that you are at odds with the world.
Reminding you you are so out of place.
Where the fuck do these ideals and daydreams come from? Tearing up my life like a hurricane, they’re running wild and I’ve never been good with restraint. It’s time for something drastric, fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck FUCKIT, I could bleed it out or punch the wall but that’s never been the style I’m rocking. At the end of the day, I have to give these dead flies of opportunities a proper burial and ascribe them meaning. Otherwise, what the fuck has any of this ever been for?
N O T H I N G
And we can’t have that. It goes against natural law. It tugs at the strings of reality and reminds me I’m being outpaced with all of forever and I’ve only got a little time to catapult to the start of the race all over again, this time with a new pair of kicks and a little more grit.
Here we fucking are again, ladies and gentleman.
She said it was tenacity, I think it’s the raw impulse of survival, a kind of dance on the blade of inertia. You can’t spin out of control without devolving into a black hole, and you can’t swim in that storm without risking being teared up, so maybe that’s just what this situation calls for. How do you go from 0 to 100?
M O M E N T U M
How do you turn the tables when you’re so outpaced and outgunned and frankly, drowning so deep in cynical sinning that you’ll have to climb every step to god all over from the beginning again and open your heart up beyond believing to even see a reflection of heaven?
Sometimes you have to shake the detritus off your life and weigh your organs from scratch, casting off every last shard of skin into the infinity of the torrent of existence and carrying only your nude, raw body across the desert you created out of a lush rainforest, praying the whole damn way.
I ‘M N O T D O N E Y E T
The up and down, spinning round and round, teacup toppling adventure that we like to play out at our personal theme park of fucked up misery. We have a heart heavy with regret and a chip on the shoulder that tells the world we admire Atlas most of all. Well now, this is done, this is no more, there is a time and a place for dead things and out of their carcasses climbs the new shoots.
So here it goes: stay on your toes, we’re shaking off the excess and doubling down on humanity. We clearly don’t know what’s best for us. I clearly don’t know what’s best for me. So we’ll leave it in the hands of the experts for a while and hurtle whole heartedly off the cliff until I learn to forget to hit the ground and instead make full flight.
This is the only way we can do this: Routine like a machine and space for the growth of a new ideology. These parasitic thoughts are going to continue to suck the life out of me if I don’t do something: and I need to step into the fray unafraid now. I need to trust and love a little stronger now. It’s a new round and this is the only way forward now.
I H A V E T O T RY
Just like old times no one is coming to save me. I’ve got to climb out of the pit with my own two hands and hopefully this will make me or break me. But then I’ll know exactly what I’m made of, it’ll make a good story. I will live and be furiously alive. There will be no room for stray thought or exhaustion. Each minute will span a new century and with that a new legacy can be born.
I am so fucking scared.
I am my own worst enemy.
There’s only so many times you can crash and burn before you walk out that wreckage alight and covered in engine fuel. It’s not a nice way to go. I’m not ready to die just yet. There are so many facets of life unexperienced and so many experiences to cling onto. I want to taste the flavours of the world without fear before I go. I want to leave a bloodline that’s strong and healthy and filled with love and a kickass attitude.
So here we are again: a step before the storm we’re going to dance in. It’s going to be really fucking hard, girl. It’s going to be a blinding endless pain strung together with only a north star to guide you. But in between the loss of breath and the maddening desire to stop, holy shit, just for a minute, to stop the rolling stone crushing you, there will be time to knit bones together. There will be time to learn how to be human again. There will be time to relearn the meaning of happiness, this time from scratch.
There will be time to grow. There will be time to heal. There will be no time for errant thought.
So here’s how it goes
H O L D O N T I G H T
We’re going to cut up your misery into bitesize chunks and tackle them. We’re going to take your clutching fingers off the spikes and stamp your foot down on the accelerator instead. And you won’t have time to think, you won’t have time to stop, you won’t have time to look back until it’s all over.
Breathe with me.
Be human with me.
It’s time to stop dreaming and start living.
It’s time to live or die trying.